


Silent Sonata

by Minariina, MitangMan



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - Classical Music, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Orchestra, Deaf Character, Disabled Character, Gen, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Juilliard, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, music school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2018-07-18 01:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 306,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7293238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minariina/pseuds/Minariina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MitangMan/pseuds/MitangMan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a bassoon virtuoso who has forty-seven first-place awards and has several networks, Mina Myoui is already on the road to developing a successful career in the classical music industry. Her parents have decided to put a strict foundation on Mina's training and they will not accept anything other than First Place. </p><p>In her junior year as a student at the coveted Juilliard School of Music, Mina suddenly begins to lose her hearing because of an acoustic neuroma. The fact that Mina could completely lose her hearing puts her musical career at risk. </p><p>On the flip side, Son Chaeyoung is a huge fan of Mina and a percussionist who is deaf. She plays barefoot to feel the music better. Sana Minatozaki is Chaeyoung’s best friend, Mina's former best friend in elementary school, and a great horn player whose music defies the original score and emphasizes emotion and artistry over technicality. With their help along with the aid of other Juilliard students, they attempt to help Mina transcend her perfectionism and enjoy her music. They also hope to help Mina accept her loss of hearing. Silent Sonata is about finding passion, hope, and self-discovery.</p><p>Also on Asianfanfics as SunnyBunny023</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cadenza

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note (PLEASE READ)
> 
> Author-nim here! I know I've been busting out these classical music themes pretty often, but this particular story takes place in the same world as my previous story, The Bucket List. For previous readers, you might run into some familiar characters here!
> 
> (SunnyBunny023/Minariina)
> 
> The storyline is based off a dear, late friend of mine who was a music major diagnosed with a Stage IV acoustic neuroma and lost her hearing over time. She was bullied at school by hearing peers for being hard of hearing and as a result, she took her own life. All details, from the music to the diagnosis are based off of research and anecdotes of my friend. In no way does this story entirely dictate the real life personalities and lives of the idols, their parents, the musicians, those who are deaf and hard of hearing, and other important figures mentioned in this story. I'm writing in deaf characters as an exploration so I can understand my friend's world a little better. I will implement some of my own experiences as well. Please let me know if you have any concerns or points that you want to make. I'm working to improve myself as well. I'll be clear that I do not intend to use hearing loss as a trope to increase angst levels; my main goal is to raise awareness and ensure that people don't turn to suicide or anything else of a similar extent. Deaf/HoH people are real and not simply a plot point and like I said, a trope to increase angst levels.
> 
> MitangMan, (who is deaf in the left ear, partially deaf in the right ear, and wears hearing aids) will be counseling me in writing these chapters. There's nobody that can describe hearing loss than someone who is actually hard of hearing themselves and I want to respect their community in that way. Even though I had a friend who was deaf, interacted with the Deaf/HoH people within my HS special needs group, and hold a job watching over kids with disabilities, it is difficult to write about experiences we don't fully understand. And of course, his experience alone does not dictate the opinions and ordeals of ALL members in the Deaf/HoH community so I will not limit my outreach to him. I will seek the counsel of others and use a variety of writing resources as well. 
> 
> This story will also be posted on my AFF Account: SunnyBunny023  
> (MitangMan)
> 
> Hello guys! Just like Chaeyoung in this story, I lost my hearing as a result of prematurity and alcohol consumed by my mother before pregnancy. I have profound hearing loss in the left ear and moderate hearing loss in the right ear. I just recently attained hearing aids by my own consent and without pressure from outside forces, and I made this choice because I wanted to know what music sounded like and I had the desire to learn an instrument (I'm working on piano, drums, guitar, xylophone, and just recently bassoon thanks to this story). Compared to SunnyBunny023, I am not that much of an eloquent writer; I volunteered for this position to proofread and read through the story to make sure that there's a good representation of my community and that there's no negatively-charged language. For the most part, I do the speaking on deafness (This sounds like a paradox, I know!) and SunnyBunny023 puts it into words. I help out where Chaeyoung is involved, where Mina is faced in a situation where she has to use sign language (I know ASL, PSE, and SEE, and I'm currently learning BSL), where she can't hear, the topic of hearing aids/cochlear implants, medical visits, and other related topics. I also write out dialogue where sign language is used. I've been reading Silent Sonata for a long time and I'm amazed at SunnyBunny023's persistence and strive for improvement not just within her writing, but within herself. She's a very sensitive person and I honor that in her. 
> 
> I'm pretty shy but I've decided to make a Twitter (@MitangMan) just in case people have questions about the Deaf/HoH community or anything in general!
> 
> WARNING: Because the story takes place in a college setting, there are going to be swear words, mentions of sex (not explicit, only mentioned), alcohol, and drug use. There is also mental health issues, suicide, bullying, ableism, and other sensitive topics that may be triggering to readers. This story was made to highlight and give awareness to serious topics that are apparent in the real world. In no way do I intend to offend or hurt anybody. Most events also originate from my life as well.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> Poster Credit goes to Darthearts of AFF. Thank you so much for the beautiful poster ^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, the Myoui family dynamics in real life are different from this story. This is just fiction!

**Characters**

_ _

_cadenza_  
Origin: Italian  
a virtuoso solo passage inserted into a movement in a concerto or other work, typically near the end.

* * *

**The First Measure**

  1. **Fourth Grade**  
 




“Can I sit here?”  
  
I glance up from my clarinet to see a fair-skinned girl grinning down on me, pointing at the chair next to me, standing on the tips of her toes as she waited for my reply. Judging by the color of her necktie, she was probably the same year as me. The first thought that runs through my mind is, Oh great, she’s a clarinetist too. How many of them have I seen in one day?  
  
“Sure”, I said.  
  
“My name is Sana, by the way. I’m in the fourth grade”, the girl said as she licked her reed, a gesture that I loathed seeing, “What's your name?”  
  
“Mina.”  
  
“Mina?” She perked up, broadening her shoulders before holding out her arm to me, “What a pretty name!”  
  
I hesitantly grabbed her hand and shook it, “Uh-huh. Yeah.”  
  
“So why did you start playing the clarinet?”  
  
My train of thought went to a halt. This girl was staring into my eyes, to the point where I could identify the brown irises in her dark eyes. All I'm thinking is, Oh god, not this question again. I hated receiving inquiries like this because I could never give people a straight, proper answer. Do I need a legit reason for choosing an instrument?  
  
But seriously, I don't know.  
  
I’ve been playing this wooden air tube since I was six, but now I can play at the same level as uncle Takahashi, and a famous clarinetist who had won several competitions in Japan and had taken masterclasses with my parents. He’s working on his Master’s degree in musical education and had just become a father to two daughters — Minami and Juri. My mother told me that this sort of trait of excelling naturally was inborn, and that my family lineage stretches generations of accomplished musicians.  
  
However, this is my first year being in a musical ensemble and to my surprise, I've already seen dozens of clarinetists, most of whom were forced to play the instrument because they didn't reach the physical requirements of others such as having long arms for the flute or the trombone. The point is, I really didn't know that I was playing such a popular instrument. I'm not sure if I even enjoy playing the damn thing; perhaps taking up the clarinet was just a hobby that my parents wanted to instill in my brain so that I could land in the same career path as them.  
  
“I… guess I just like the way it sounds”, was my half-assed answer.  
  
“Oh hey, me too!” Sana mused, suddenly clasping my hands, “Let’s be friends, seat-buddy!”  
  
“Uhh… sure!” I pretended to look excited. I’m pretty sure that Sana couldn’t tell otherwise.  
  
When I was assigned the role of clarinet section leader, that’s when I realized that I had grown really sick of this instrument. I had to answer to every dumb question from each of my section mates, all of whom except Sana, were incompetent with their playing. And you’d think that at this point, they should be improving steadily. But the truth is, nobody really practices in their own time and just want an excuse to skip out on one hour’s worth of classroom instruction. I was getting extremely peeved at the fact that they weren’t taking music as seriously as me and Sana.

* * *

**The Second Measure**

**(2) Fifth Grade**  
  
In the beginning of the second term during my last year in elementary school, I begged my parents and music teacher to allow me to switch instruments. Convincing the teacher wasn’t so hard, in fact he was delighted because there was a shortage of musicians in other sections of the band. My parents? Not so much. They, especially my clarinetist mother, who works with the New York Philharmonic, were so gung-ho about molding me into the best clarinetist in the world. They thought that I had already come so far, having so many accolades that most kids my age could never get their hands on. What was the point of switching?  
  
“Mina. I’ll let you change instruments under one condition”, my father held his breath, caressing the fur of our cat as we sat at the dining table, “You have to excel at your new instrument. Take private lessons, win many awards, do all that jazz. Just try to make your mother proud again.”  
  
Father had that promise embedded into my brain.  
  
The day after our hefty conversation, I went to school early to inquire my music teacher about switching instruments and much to my surprise, Sana was there too, still sucking her reed as if her mother gifted the girl her own pacifier. I wanted to yank that piece of wood out of her mouth like an adult stealing candy from a baby.  
  
“What are you doing here?” I asked.  
  
“I’m going to switch too!” Sana exclaimed.  
  
“You don’t have to switch just because I’m switching, you know”, I told her, feeling a little guilty.  
  
Sana chuckled loudly as she patted my shoulder, “Oh, Mina. Mina. Mina. I’m not switching because you’re switching. I’ve realized that I’m getting tired of playing the clarinet too. I mean, too many people play it and it just gets boring after you’ve mastered the damn thing.”  
  
“Oh my god, that’s what I thought too!” I giggled.  
  
“You’re so cute, Mina”, Sana cooed at the sound of my laughter, which I found creepy, “Anyways, what instrument were you thinking about switching to?”  
  
“Eh?”  
  
Sana inhaled before repeating the question, “I said, what instrument did you want to switch to?”  
  
_Holy crap. How did I never think about this?_  
  
“Anything other than clarinet”, I shrugged.  
  
“MINA!”, Sana’s eyes widened, “How do you not know? What if Mr. Holtz assigns you an instrument that you may end up not liking? He's most likely going to give you an instrument that nobody wants to take up — say, the baboon.”  
  
“The what?”  
  
“Never mind!" She freaked out, "Just think of something, quick!"  
  
My eyes wandered around the room, pinpointing odd-shaped instrument cases that would potentially be mine. I wanted something fun, yet also a little more challenging than the clarinet. I also wanted to be in a section with as fewer people as possible. Maybe I'll even have my own section, where I'm the section leader and the only person I have to worry about is me and not anybody else. I want my own space. Me, myself, and I.  
  
"Good morning girls", Mr. Holtz enters the music room, combing his Ivy-League updo, "Have you two decided what instrument you'd like to switch to?"  
  
"I do!" Sana instinctively raised her hand, "Horn!"  
  
Really, Sana Minatozaki? A brass instrument?  
  
He turned toward me, "And what about you, Mina?"  
  
"Uhh... t-the balloon.”  
  
"Oh! You mean the **bassoon**.”  
  
_Goddammit Sana._  
  
“So you’re going to play the same instrument as your father?" his lips quirk into a smile, "Well, Myoui. Today is your lucky day because I have a spare one in the back. Just wait here for a moment.”  
  
Mr. Holtz disappears into the storage room and all that comes to my mind is how the hell am I going to play this stupid thing. I’ve seen my father, who is principal bassoonist of the New York Philharmonic, stay up past midnight carving reeds and practice until dawn especially during the concert season in which the NY Phil played a bunch of baroque music. Sana mouthed the word, ‘sorry’ to me before breaking into a boisterous laugh. She’s definitely making fun of my misery.  
  
“Oh, Mina”, the older girl tried to catch her breath, “Good luck practicing the balloon.”  
  
“You better be”, I grumbled.  
  
“Yah! How about this? We’ll switch instruments if you don’t like it”, Sana gleefully suggested.  
  
I scoffed at her, “I don’t want your Horn.”   
  
“Give it a month. Maybe you’ll grow to like it”, she pressed, still biting down on that clarinet reed that she won’t be using after receiving her new horn.  
  
“What if I don’t?”  
  
“Wanna bet?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Fine!” She stomps her foot.  
  
“Sana, my **dad** plays the damn bassoon. He’s going to kill me if I make a wrong note.”  
  
She gave me a skeptical expression, “He can’t do that! That’s called child abuse!”  
  
“He doesn’t give a flying fu—”  
  
Sana jumps in front of me and masks my mouth with her hand. It turned out that Mr. Holtz had just returned with our new instruments — two large, black cases that must’ve weighed at least twenty-five pounds each (or am I exaggerating?). If he had heard me sputter out the “f-word”, he would’ve whacked me upside my head with his baton and scold me about using "improper" language.    
  
“It’s relieving to hear that you’re joining the bassline”, he beamed at me, “We don’t have enough people who are willing to play the bigger instruments.”  
  
“Uh yeah! No problem”, I heard myself laugh a little, “I love the lower registers!”  
  
Mr. Holtz sits down in front of us and gives us a couple of demonstrations. First, he shows us how to assemble our instruments. Then, he goes over such things like maintenance, proper positioning, embouchure, as well as giving us a brief history about each instrument. Finally, he teaches us how to generate a sound. I don’t think much about the bassoon at first, but once Mr. Holtz sticks the double reed in his lips and blows, oh my god does it sound gorgeous. It’s almost as if he were imitating the male human voice; he makes that thing sing.  
  
“I’ll warn you, Mina”, he turns to me, “The bassoon is not an instrument for the fainthearted. It isn’t one of those instruments that can be mastered within a few days, heck even a couple of years. It takes a lot of time and patience just to give it that ‘singing’ quality, and it’s very high maintenance too.”  
  
“Don’t worry, I got this”, I display one of those confident smirks and he just cackles at me.  
  
“Then I’ll leave it to you”, he rests the giant thing in my arms, “Good luck!”  
  
My first impression? Holy crap, there’s so many goddamn keys sprinkled all over the place and this instrument is heavy. My knees were shaking as I’m on the verge of tipping over and collapsing on Sana. Carrying the bassoon in my hands is too strenuous, but I have to hoist it up to prevent it from dragging on the floor and scratching the boot joint. When we were walking home together, I had to stop from time to time, place it on the ground, and catch my breath. Sana is just ridiculing me as I’m struggling. I can’t wait to gain enough muscle to smack her with my large-ass instrument.  
  
As soon as I tell mother the news about how I picked up the bassoon as my new instrument, she starts to go gaga and tell father. He’s excited too, and he rings up two of his friends to assist me in my endeavors to master the bassoon. One of them is a manufacturer and a member of the International Double Reed Society, the other one is a private instructor and principal bassoonist of the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra. He also teaches at the Juilliard School of Music — my dream school.   
  
“Oh, my daughter!” dad cooed, “I’m so happy for you!”

* * *

**The Third Measure**

**(3) Seventh Grade**  
  
Mr. Holtz was wrong. With the help of my dad and his friends, it didn’t take me very long to enter another competition and play on the same level as kids that were my age. The only difference was that I wasn’t playing the clarinet anymore.   
  
When dad gave me my own personal instrument, a seventy-five thousand dollar Heckel 41i — the only bassoon and the only woman I’ll ever spend my entire life with — I instantly fell in love. I didn’t care about bothering my neighbors because I wanted to play the shit out of her. Mr. Holtz actually told me that I shouldn’t be playing for more than six hours. I still didn’t listen and I went past midnight. I couldn’t put her down.   
  
At the National Young Artist Competition site, Sana asked me whether or not I would name my bassoon. I did. Her name is ‘Mikasa’. I was also stupidly in love with Attack on Titan during that time period.  
  
“I can’t believe that you’re here with that thing”, Sana gawks at me, resting her chin on her horn case as she rests it on her lap, “It’s almost as if yesterday was the day that you couldn’t even get a sound out of that thing.”   
  
“I know right”, I sigh.  
  
“Hey!” The older girl grins, almost menacingly if you will, “I thought that you didn’t want to play that thing.”  
  
“I do now”, I emphasize.  
  
“So does that mean that I win the bet?” Sana asks while holding a piece of gum in between her teeth. I guess that the piece of gum is a replacement for the numerous clarinet reeds that she used to chew on in elementary school. Either that or she’s exercising her jaw.  
  
My face freezes before realizing the context of that question, “What the hell? What bet?”  
  
“You lasted more than one month with that thing!”  
  
“Sana! Stop calling Mikasa a ‘thing’! She’s a _bassoon_ for Christ’s sake” I reprimand, yanking the strip of gum out of her mouth before she could even start chewing it, “And besides, I never even agreed to that stupid bet!”  
  
“Omo! You named it too! It is love at first sight after all!” Her eyes glittered and her boisterous voice rung throughout the waiting room, disturbing all the other musicians who were here to tune their instruments. Sana was causing such a big fuss, that the moderators had to remove her from the area and place her in a practice room to cool down.  
  
“Mina Myoui! You’re on standby!” A staff members announces.  
  
Oh, the percussion division must be done then.  
  
I didn’t think that I would be the first performer in the woodwind division to enter the stage. But in a sense, I was relieved because I don’t have to be worried about the people performing before me. I could get things over with and not stress about whether others had put on more stellar performances than me.  
  
As I made my way to the left wing, I had to weave through a crowd of contestants who bursted into chatter as I fleeted past them. Their eyes felt like wasp stingers threatening to penetrate my focus. It’s just like a scene out of a movie wherein the protagonist makes their comeback and shocks the daylight out of their peers. I could hear their voices, seething along the lines of, “It’s that girl again: the one who has never lost a single competition before”, “Oh no, she’s back”, or, “She’s going to win for sure.”  
  
And all I’m thinking is, Not this again…  
  
It’s true. I’ve won every single music competition that I’ve entered, including the prestigious Gillet-Hugo Fox Competition for double reeds and the Concours de Genève when I used to play the clarinet. My bedroom has more first place prizes than barbie dolls -- ten from playing the bassoon and thirteen from playing the clarinet. Ever since I picked up the bassoon, I had strict lessons driven into the night and after that, I still wouldn’t be thinking about sleep because I had to make my own reeds. It’s such a difficult instrument to master. Mr. Holtz keeps questioning why I keep dozing off during band rehearsals, and eventually, I had to quit because I couldn’t fit after school practices into my tight schedule. The private teacher that my dad hired from the Metropolitan Opera, Mr. Brandt, could only teach me from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. And from there, the rest of my practice sessions were monitored by my parents, especially my dad because I was playing the same instrument as him. It upsetted Sana greatly that I had to leave, but for some reason, she’s still proud of me even up until this day.  
  
And that’s the truth.  
  
People tell me that I should be proud of my merits, proud to have such “supportive” parents who put in a wealth of effort to breed such a talented daughter. My classmates keep bragging about how lucky I am to win all the time. The ones in band? Sana says that half of them envy me, whereas the other half think that I’m “too good for them.” Winning has become so much of a burden because everyone expects me to be the best, to win all the time, to be better than everyone else and to step on all the other contestants like ants.  
  
“Ouch!”  
  
I shake off my overwhelming thoughts and return to reality, only to find that I was aimlessly walking into another blonde contestant, knocking her head with the bell of my bassoon.  
  
“Oi! Watch it motherfu--” she screamed before being cut off by her friend.  
  
“Yah! Chaenggie, that’s rude!” her friend scolded, “Say sorry to Mina!”  
  
“Mina?” The short-haired girl’s lips twisted into a faint smile, “The one who keeps crushing everyone’s dreams at every competition?”  
  
“I’m sorry?” I question.  
  
And then Chaeyoung’s taller friend eases the tension, “Oh my god. I am so sorry about her. She’s just salty because you defeated her at the World Festival for Young Artists in Belgium. By the way, my name is Park Jihyo and I’m a violist with the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra. Chaeyoung is a percussionist.”  
  
“Yeah, I can see that”, I take a glance at the vibraphone mallets tightly gripped in her left hand.  
  
“Anyways, good luck on your performance!” Jihyo flashes a smile while dragging Chaeyoung by the wrist.  
  
God, that girl is weird.

* * *

**The Fourth Measure**

**(4) Eighth Grade**  
  
“Mom! Can I hang out with Sana today?”  
  
Mother looked so surprised, that she almost spat out her chamomile tea, “But Mina, you have to prepare for your New York Youth Symphony and LaGuardia audition next week! You have so many excerpts to memorize!”  
  
Oh, right. I need to explain. LaGuardia is a visual and performing arts high school located in Manhattan, near Lincoln Square, close to the Juilliard School. Music students who attend LaGuardia have a better chance of getting accepted into prestigious conservatories, including the Juilliard School.  
  
“I’ve been prepared since last Sunday!” I protested.  
  
“Oh really?” she looked suspicious, “The Rite of Spring isn’t just a walk in the park.”  
  
“Mina”, my dad called as he walked into my bedroom. Oh my god, he didn’t even close the door.  
  
Then he chimed in with my mother, “Don’t you think that Sana is distracting you from your career. I mean, look at that kid. She has never won, let alone advanced farther than the preliminaries in her entire life. Kids who don’t practice enough will never survive in the music industry.”  
  
“But—”  
  
“I think that we should have Mina surrounded by a different group of friends”, my mom suggested to my dad, “How about Nayeon? What happened to Takebe’s daughter? The Fujii girls? Washio’s daughter? Didn’t all of you guys used to be friends in your earlier years of elementary school?”  
  
“I lost in touch with them since they studied abroad”, I answered.  
  
“Oh...” mom trailed off.  
  
“All of them are diligent girls”, Father said.  
  
“Right?” my mom agreed.  
  
“Oh! You just mentioned Reina Washio, huh?” Father pinpointed, “That’s HIroyuki’s daughter.”  
  
“Yeah! The one that won the Tchaikovsky Competition last year!”  
  
“Hanzo Takebe told me that the girls are returning to New York to attend LaGuardia. Isn’t that great?” Mom grinned.  
  
“That’s great! We can have them reconnect with our daughter again!”  
  
Nayeon? Fujii? Takebe? Washio? I know who my parents are talking about. Those girls’ parents are also members of the New York Philharmonic, so it’s no wonder why my parents are familiar with them. We used to be a tight-knit group in kindergarten, but after our graduation from elementary school, the girls left their families to study in different countries. My parents wanted to keep me at home because they don’t trust me enough to become independent. I didn’t contact them ever since, but I have heard or read about them from various classical music sources. Each of these girls have their own accolades:

Nayeon rose to fame in the classical music industry after having participated in the 2009 YouTube Symphony Orchestra as a bass clarinetist. She attended the Interlochen Summer Camp and was scouted to perform professionally on live radio. She is also a multi-instrumentalist and plays ten instruments — B-Flat Clarinet, E-Flat Clarinet, Bass Clarinet, Soprano Saxophone, Alto Saxophone, Tenor Saxophone, Piano, Guitar, Flute, and she can sing, if that counts.  
  
The Fujii sisters are Shuuka and Karen. Shuuka, the older sister, made her orchestral debut with the Boston Symphony Orchestra when she was ten, performing Vaughan Williams’s “Concerto for Oboe and Orchestra” and receiving rave reviews from The New York Times, The Gramophone, and The Instrumentalist. Karen has been nicknamed "The Queen of Viola" ever since her first recording album, released by EMI Classics, topped the Billboard chart of classical best-sellers. She tied first place with Park Jihyo at the Maurice Vieux International Viola Competition.  
  
Yuzuna Takebe was the youngest winner of the ARD International Music Competition in Munich, claiming first prize in Flute Performance when she was twelve. She was also a member of the Gustav Mahler Youth Orchestra for a while.  
  
Reina Washio is the daughter of the concertmaster of the New York Philharmonic, and received top prize for violin performance at the prestigious Tchaikovsky Competition and the famed Geneva International Music Competition, placed alongside other successful past winners such as Chung Myungwha and Martha Agerich.  
  
“Our Mina has won more competitions than all of those girls. Both domestically and internationally”, Mother gleefully attested, “And they’re all Japanese too.”  
  
“Sana is Japanese too”, I pointed out, “And Nayeon is Korean.”  
  
“Speaking of which, how was Japanese school?” Father proceeded ask me without taking heed to my corrections.  
  
I dug my face into a pillow, “Meh.”  
  
“Mina, that’s not a real answer”, Mom chided, “Anyways, after your LaGuardia audition, you’re going to NY Phil Opening Gala Concert with me and your father. Our colleagues are going to bring their kids too, including the ones that we just mentioned.”  
  
“Takahashi and his girls are going to be there too”, Dad mentions eagerly, trying to get me excited. As if I would be hyped to see him and my rabid cousins, especially Minami.  
  
“My auditions are in the evening”, I groaned.  
  
“And the gala is at night”, dad pointed out, “At least you’ll already be in formal wear.”  
  
“Oh honey, let me dress you up and do your makeup that day”, mom begged, digging through my closet and tossing my once-neatly folded clothes on top of my bed.  
  
“Mom, I’m not a doll. I can take care of myself.”  
  
“I can’t trust you after you nearly left your reed-making kit on the subway”, she countered.  
  
“So can I hang out with Sana?” I brought up the question again before she could go into depth about that accident.  
  
“No”, she straightforwardly answered, “Go play with Mikasa.”  
  
I had to make up an excuse, “The weather is not ideal for my reeds.”  
  
My dad laughed, “What are you talking about? It’s sunny outside!”  
  
“Mina, go practice”, Mother pressed.  
  
“Can you two get out of my room?”    
  
“Your father and I was just about to leave for work anyways”, mom says, sounding annoyed, “Remember. LaGuardia audition and then the gala. You better be prepared by then.”

* * *

**The Fifth Measure**

**One Week Later.**  
  
Among all the days that I could have gotten sick, it had to be on the same day as my audition.  
  
The LaGuardia audition was one of the scariest moments that I’ve ever experienced in my life, even scarier than Youth Symphony auditions. To make things worse, my parents were standing on the other side of the double doors leading to the auditorium. It's not soundproof; they could hear every phrase, every note that rung out of my bassoon. And they could also hear each and every comment that spewed out of the mouths of the judges. I played John Williams’s concerto, Hindemith’s sonata, and two etudes — one lyrical and one technical.  
  
But I wasn't prepared for how long my audition was going to be. Out of nowhere, one of the professors asked me to play the bassoon solo from the second movement of Rimsky-Korsakov's [ _Scheherazade_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhV78zLt3KE), a piece that I knew by memory but did not prepare beforehand. I blanked out and couldn't play it on the spot, so he gave me the sheet music and asked me to sight-read it. I was sweating and my heartbeat was all in my ears. And just when I thought it was over, another professor asked me to play excerpts from Stravinsky’s [ _The Rite of Spring_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFPjFjUonX8). The only unexpected piece that I was truly confident in was [_The Firebird_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZkIAVGlfWk), and everybody I knew could play that.  
  
The people scoring and recording my audition didn't show any emotion. They looked cold and crabby and they talked like robots.  
  
My parents didn't make me feel accomplished at all. They berated me for not memorizing the solo to _Scheherazade_ , yelled at me for dragging the tempo on the second movement of that bassoon concerto, and comparing me to other kids who had auditioned before. It made me a nervous wreck, and it left me sobbing to the nearest bathroom.  
  
I still got accepted, though.  
  
“What happened, Mina?” Some random percussionist approached me, “You sounded different from how you normally sound.”  
  
I shrugged, “My sick cousin must’ve drank my reed water while I wasn’t looking.”  
  
_Wait, why am I telling her this?_  
  
The day before my audition, uncle Takahashi visited our residence as he had just flown in from San Francisco, stoked about his music-teaching job. At the same time, he brought his daughters too because they wanted to see the sights of New York City. Having lived here for so long, the magic had already died out by the time I was in the sixth grade.  
  
Damn you, Minami Takahashi.  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry”, she said.  
  
“Who are you and how do you even know my name?”  
  
“Everyone in the music realm knows who Mina Myoui is”, she rolled her eyes, “By the way, I’m Chaeyoung. Son Chaeyoung. I’ve become a big fan of you since you defeated me at the Young Artists Competition in New York and the World Festival for Young Artists Competition in Belgium. I hope you don’t think lowly of me.”  
  
_Oh no. Is this the girl that Jihyo was talking about?_  
  
The shorter girl revealed a notebook from her backpack and held it in front of me.  
  
“Eh?”  
  
“Can I have your autograph?”  
  
Holy crap. I didn’t see that coming. Didn’t she berate me at the Young Artists Competition a couple of months ago? How am I supposed to have a signature if nobody has ever asked me for an autograph before? I’ve only received flowers from my admirers, but there are only so few because everybody who competes against me hates my guts. I snatch one of the pens from the office counter and scribble something that is completely random, even drawing a star-shaped figure at the end of my name. I don’t even know if it looks like my name, but nonetheless, Chaeyoung’s mouth still drops open in awe.  
  
“Wow! Your signature is so cute!” she squealed, “Thank you so much!”  
  
“You’re welcome”, I force an uneasy smile. I was never sure about how to react to fans like Chaeyoung. “I don’t mean to leave early, but I have a schedule that I have to stick to.”  
  
“No, I get it. You’re a busy person because you’re famous”, she smiled, completely understanding of the situation, “I don’t want to bother you anymore.”  
  
“Thanks”, I nod, and then I hustle out of the auditorium.  
  
God, that girl is weird.

* * *

**The Sixth Measure**

At the front of the Avery Fisher Hall, a tide of paparazzi swarmed towards me as we exited our limo on West 65th Street. My dad had to page in a couple of bodyguards to prevent the reporters and cameramen from climbing over me. I had no idea what their business was, but I wasn’t having it. I’m not in the mood to answer such ambiguous questions.  
  
My sick and tired self just can’t keep up with the grandeur of this delirious NY Phil Gala.  
  
After the concert highlighting the NY Phil’s beginning of their 2014-2015 season, dinner commenced in the Metropolitan Opera House adjacent to the Philharmonic’s home. Everybody would eat at this fine dining area somewhere in the opera house entitled “The Grand Tier Restaurant”. Some of the furniture were removed in order to accommodate a dance floor and more dining tables. The polished silver cutlery was heavy to the hand and shone brightly in the chandelier lights. The chairs were mahogany with violet cushions. At each place stood a tall, empty champagne flute and beautifully folded napkins to match the runner.  
  
My parents were extremely keen on having me revive my friendship with the other girls, so they reserved a table for all six of us plus Minami and Juri Takahashi. He had all of us arranged at a table located smack in the middle of the dining area, where every visitor on every tier could watch us. It was unsettling, to say the least.  
  
One by one, guests filed into their assigned seats, anxious for an exquisite feast. Juri sat in front of me, Juri uttering a silent apology for her older sister’s misconduct. Minami could care less about infecting my reed water. From the corner of my eye, this girl with long, dark hair and a navy blue, A-line dinner dress scooped me up from my chair and into her arms.  
  
“Mina!” She shrieked in utter joy, “It’s been such a long time! You look so much mature now!”  
  
_Who is this girl again?_  
  
“It’s me! Yuzuna!”  
  
“You’re taller than me now!” I said in an attempt to sound as nostalgic as possible, “I don’t remember you growing a single inch taller than my shoulder in the sixth grade!”  
  
“Germans are tall! I had to seek a way to catch up to their height!” Yuzuna laughed, referencing one of her travels in Europe.  
  
Behind Yuzuna was Nayeon and the Fujii sisters, Shuuka and Karen. Nayeon and Karen are the only girls in the group who are not of the same age as the rest of us. Nayeon is a year older than us and Karen is a year younger than Shuuka. Besides that point, the three of them welcomed me with warm hugs and the typical “How are you” greetings. As a fellow oboist and a huge fan, Minami made the move to sit next to Shuuka and ask to take a picture with her. She happily agreed, of course. Then the six girls are all chattering away about their adventures while I sit there in complete silence. That just comes to show how long I’ve been separated from these girls.  
  
“Mina! I heard that you switched instruments”, Karen brought up.  
  
I choked on my spinach artichoke soup, “Y-Yeah.”  
  
“Omo! Mina, we have a lot to catch up on!” Nayeon’s mouth tugs into a smile and she casually reclines on her chair, “You’ve changed a lot since we left you.”  
  
“I know right!” Shuuka nodded, “Did you dye your hair?”  
  
I looked up from my wine-colored hair to see the girls staring at me, “I did.”  
  
“I can’t believe that your parents would allow you to do that”, Juri’s eyes read of envy, “Our parents would murder us if we even have a tint of pink dye in our hair, right sis?”  
  
“You’re right!” Minami giggled.  
  
Reina Washio was the last girl of our group to arrive, making her grand entrance fifty minutes into dinner service. According to Yuzuna, her flight from Moscow was delayed by three hours and she had to hide in the women’s bathroom in order to avoid the European press. She plopped down on the empty seat next to mine and dug her spoon into her already-cold soup. This girl must’ve not enjoyed the airplane food and starved for the rest of her flight.  
  
“Mina! Long time no see!” Once the main course arrived, which was herb-roasted beef tenderloin with fingerling potatoes, Reina’s disposition completely changed from annoyed and exasperated to cheery and energetic, “How’s the bassoon going?”  
  
“Gr-Great!” My voice cracked unexpectedly, “I love it.”  
  
“Didn’t you win over the entire woodwind division in the National Young Artist Competition?” Reina questioned. I nodded.  
  
“Jesus, Myoui. How many competitions have you won already?” Nayeon uttered.  
  
Yuzuna gave out the statistics, “That’s twenty-four wins and zero losses.”  
  
According to these girls, anything other than first place is considered a failure. They have just about the same mindset as my parents when it comes to competitions, and it scares the crap out of me. How much have they changed since they were gone? Sheesh.  
  
“At this rate, Mina is going to surpass even the greatest musicians in the world”, Karen exaggerated.  
  
An uncomfortable laugh shuddered from my lips, “Oh come on! That’s not going to happen!”  
  
“That’s our Mina!” My dad pops up from behind my back, ruffling my head.  
  
“We expect nothing less from our daughter”, Mom stated with a smug look on her face, one hand on my shoulder and the other hand holding a wine glass. I silently hoped that my physical form would sink into the floor so I can escape the embarrassment of my parents.  
  
Reina stood up to welcome my parents, “Oh Mr. and Mrs. Myoui! How have you two been?”  
  
“Oh, Reina! Such a proper girl”, Mom’s cheeks flushed, “Asking about our well-being.”  
  
As they engaged into a rather lengthy conversation, I could feel my sickness getting to me. A stinging sensation went on one side of my head, like a pair of fangs gnawing on my brain. I couldn’t concentrate on finishing my meal because the pain was that sharp. I tried to close my eyes for a quick millisecond before Shuuka brought me attention to the girl sitting across from me.  
  
Juri Takahashi seemed concerned, “Mina, are you okay?”  
  
“She’s just a little tired”, Mom answered for me, “She’ll be all recharged by tomorrow morning.”

* * *

  
**The Seventh Measure**

 **(5) Twelfth Grade Graduation**  
  
My high school years proved to be a lot more rigorous than my middle school years. Maybe the word “rigorous” is a bit of an understatement.  
  
Not only did my number of first place prizes increase from twenty-four to forty-seven, I had to squeeze out all of my free time to fit in various ensemble rehearsals into my schedule. Because the music department was unusually short on bassoonists, the numbers only decreasing each year, the woodwind faculty constantly requested for me to become a part of several ensembles. In my Freshman Year, I was a part of LaGuardia’s Chamber Ensemble and Pit Orchestra. Sophomore Year, I was a member of LaGuardia’s Symphonic Band. Junior Year, I was in The LaGuradia Philharmonia. Finally during Senior Year, I was considered for the The LaGuardia Symphony, the high school’s most advanced and reputable ensemble. Adding to that, I would have rehearsals with the New York Youth Symphony Orchestra every weekend and every summer, I would be on tour with the National Youth Orchestra of the United States (NYO-USA). For all of these ensembles, I was given the position of principal bassoon.  
  
Maybe that’s why I’m having more headaches than before.  
  
I’m just relieved that my hectic high school career is over, and that soon I will be moving away from my parents to live in the Juilliard dorms. President Polisi, the President of the Juilliard School and also a bassoonist, showered me with compliments at my Juilliard audition. I clearly recall one of his comments being, “Forty-seven first-place awards and Principal Bassoon in seven ensembles? I don’t think I’ve ever met an undergraduate student who has the same feat as you.”  
  
But one thing for sure is that I haven’t talked to Sana since I started to hang out with Reina and the other girls. She probably graduated from a different high school since I never heard her name called out at last year’s ceremony, where I played [_Pomp and Circumstance_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moL4MkJ-aLk) on stage with the Symphonic Band. I heard rumors from my middle school peers that she moved to San Francisco.  
  
I hope that she doesn’t hate me for leaving her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terms (Let me know if you'd like me to add some more)
> 
> Clarinet — A family of woodwind instruments. The clarinet has a wide range and is versatile in the sense that it could be used in a wide variety of ensembles such as in an orchestra, concert bands, military bands, jazz bands, etc. Many beginners start off with the most common type of clarinet, which is pitched in B-Flat or Bb, before branching out to other instruments if they wish. Other common clarinets include the Eb and the Bass.
> 
> Bassoon — Also known as a fagott, the bassoon is a tall, double-reed woodwind instrument and is one of the lowest-pitched instruments in the woodwind family. The bassoon is known for its warm, dark, reedy timbre and listeners often compare its sound to that of a male baritone voice. Folded upon itself, the bassoon stands 1.34 m (4 ft 5 in) tall, but the total sounding length is 2.54 m (8 ft 4 in).
> 
> Horn — Most commonly referred to as a French Horn, the horn is a brass instrument made of tubing wrapped into a coil with a flared bell. The double horn in F/B♭ is the horn most used by professional bands and orchestras. Pitch is controlled through the adjustment of lip tension in the mouthpiece and the operation of valves by the left hand, which route the air into extra tubing. The sound can vary from extremely warm to extremely bright and the horn can produce a wide range of notes.
> 
> Reed — A thin strip of material which vibrates to produce a sound on a musical instrument. There are two types of reeds — single reeds and double reeds. Single reeds are used on the mouthpieces of clarinets, saxophones, etc. A single reed consists of one piece of cane which vibrates against a mouthpiece made of metal, hardened rubber, resin, or some other material. Double reeds are used on the oboe, bassoon, etc. For double reeds, two pieces of cane are vibrated against each other to produce a sound. 
> 
> Concert Band — Also called symphonic band, wind ensemble, wind orchestra, etc. Concert bands are performing ensembles consisting of members of the woodwind, brass, and percussion families of instruments, along with the double bass. Many schools have these types of bands at varying levels. School bands vary in size and instrumentation, depending on the number of students, and the versatility and virtuosity of the players.


	2. subito

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_Subito_  
Origin: Italian  
Suddenly (e.g.  _subito pp_ , which instructs the player to suddenly drop to  _pianissimo_  as an effect)

* * *

**The Eighth Measure**

  
2020:  Sophomore Year of College - End of the Spring Semester

  
When you emerge into adulthood and realize that the job prospects for classical musicians are astronomically low, you need to keep your head in the game. And that means networking and doing as many extracurriculars as possible to spiffy up your resumé. If mom and dad were right about one thing, it’s that I stick with Reina Washio because she’s a great help in sneaking you into classical concerts and masterclasses for absolutely no charge.  
  
Since sophomore year, the students in the music department have been referring to me, Nayeon, Reina, Yuzuna, Shuuka, and Karen as "The Spectacular", just like how one would refer to the U.S. Olympic women's Artistic Gymnastics Team as "The Magnificent Seven" in 1996 or "The Fierce Five" in 2012. I don't understand about the origins of our nickname since none of us made up the name itself, but Reina assumes that the student body perceives us as a group of five girls with brains and beauty. And to be honest, I don't really hang out with anybody else other than my girls.  
  
Let me give you a rundown about a typical day with The Spectacular Six:  
  
Basically it’s just attending classes, eat lunch with them, more classes showing up to rehearsals, talking eating out for dinner, go to bed, and the cycle starts over again. But some days are different than others, including today.  
  
Reina invited us over to her studio apartment at Normandie Court — a cozy environment that felt like any other upper-middle class home, fitted with full marble bathrooms, a fitness center, a sauna, housemaids, an elegant sundeck, and an actually-functioning air conditioner for NYC's humid summers. Her parents insisted on having her stay there because the Juilliard dorms were not up to their standards.  
  
Second semester juries had already ended and we were all eager to wind back after a stressful six months. Because we didn't have spare time to watch the fifth season of Pretty Little Liars (PLL), what couldn't be a more perfect time to catch up than after final examinations?  
  
The doorbell rings and Karen hops off her purple beanbag chair to answer it. The door opens to reveal Im Nayeon and a beaming Shuuka Fujii, her teeth glistening white as she flashes two grocery bags in front of her boyfriend, horn player Yuta Nakamoto. The two formerly-best-friends lean over to kiss each other on the lips before Yuzuna steps out of the bathroom, snorting at the lovely couple.  
  
"Ew! Get a room, you two!" Yuzuna flinches, but Yuta and Shuuka ignore her gripe and settle their stash of food on the dining table.  
  
"Food is here!" Shuuka's peppy voice breaks through the loud chatter in the room.  
  
"About time!" Reina yells from the comfort of her bedroom, "What took you two so long?"  
  
"Do you really expect us to be here on time when we're coming from Staten Island?" Nayeon says irritatingly.  
  
Everyone launches their butts off of couches and chairs to marvel at the huge display of food: pretzel bites, pizza rolls, pork belly sliders, sweet potato bites, goat cheese stuffed apricots, lamb meatballs, strawberry buttermilk donuts, and save for the classic Asian party trays filled with Korean fried chicken, coconut shrimp, Nigiri sushi, potstickers, and spring rolls. There's eight of us — six girls, two of whom had brought their boyfriends — so there would be no doubt that the food would all be gobbled up at the end of the day. To top it all off, Nayeon cracks open a bottle of sparkling apple cider and pours it into wine glasses.  
  
Shuuka pulls away and kisses Yuta's forehead, "And a Thai tofu and noodle salad for you."  
  
"You're so good", Yuta giggles. God, he sounds like a girl when he laughs.  
  
Reina rolls her eyes at her display of affection, "Hurry up or else we're going to start episode 108 without you two!"  
  
"Wait! Where's Ryusei?" Karen inquires about her and Shuuka’s older brother.  
  
"He has Axiom Ensemble rehearsals today. He's going to be late”, Shuuka answers her.  
  
"Well I'm not going to wait for him", Yuzuna declares, propping her butt on the same purple beanbag chair that Karen was using earlier.  
  
I scoot over to leave room for Shuuka and Yuuta, suffocating in the center of two couples — Shuuka and Yuuta to the left, Shori Sato and Reina to the right. At that point the long, creamy white couch had reached maximum capacity and Shuuka was on the verge of slipping off the edge.  
  
"What do you mean On Demand doesn't have PLL?" Reina grumbles.  
  
"Try ABC Family", Yuzuna suggests as Reina hands over the remote to her.  
  
"There it is!" Karen squeals after Yuzuna flips through endless channels, "It hasn't even started yet!"  
  
Halfway through the episode, my eyelids grew heavy from exhaustion and I could no longer pay attention to what was going on. I couldn't stop thinking about my final examination and how I choked in the third movement of Mozart’s [_Bassoon Concerto_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPqM_XYlUY8). Not only did I have a migraine and this bothersome tingling sensation in my ears, but I must've abandoned my reeds out in the open cold for too long or trimmed it a little too short, but what matters is the end product. I'm worried about what the adjudicators think of me, I'm worried about what my private teacher thinks of me, I'm worried about what my parents would hear from them. I swallow a bite of tuna sushi and try to focus my senses on the sourness of the vinegar rice, the spiciness of the wasabi, and the butteriness of the raw fish.  
  
A breaking news report interrupts our program, ticking off my friends. There is an opening graphic with John Williams' [_Pulse of Events_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LviYtRXX51E)playing in the background, adding emphasis to the importance of this event. The newscaster is wearing a sorrow expression as she illustrates the story of a person who have jumped off Brooklyn Bridge to their death. Yuzuna ignores the news and brings up a topic.  
  
"So how did all of your juries go?" Yuzuna asks everyone in the room  
  
Oh no. Not this question.  
  
"They loved my rendition of Monti's [_Hungarian Folk Dance_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN1WJ-KfxFU)", Reina offers, Shori wrapping his arm around her, "I was surprised because I didn't think they would like it. I strayed away from the original piece. I used an electric violin too."  
  
"Of course they love you!" Yuta attested, "Our fathers are one of the faculty members!"  
  
"You can't use relatives as a free ride, dumb butt", Shuuka nudged his ribs.  
  
"My father wasn't in the jury!" Yuta countered, "He even admits that other musicians have better skills than I do!"  
  
Thank God. Maybe I'm not the only one who screwed up.  
  
"Why thank you", Reina laughs in pride, "But as far as I'm concerned everyone passed their juries, right? You know that in Juilliard, if you don't pass the first time then you're on probation, and if you don't make it up the next semester, you're kicked out of the school."  
  
*gulp*  
  
As everyone else talks about their success, my stomach knots up. I haven't received my results yet, so how can I tell the group how well I played? If I mention my mishap in that bassoon concerto, they're going to judge me. We're all supposed to be the Top 20 of our graduating class, and it's been that way since our high school days. All eight of us attended LaGuardia High School of Music  & Art and Performing Arts, each of us having our own success in the musical world and standing above others.  
  
"What about you, Mina?" Reina suddenly asks.  
  
"What?"  
  
"How did your jury go?"  
  
My head is racing for words as I try to answer Reina's question. But instead of retrieving answers, it's retrieving thoughts of fear and sadness all at once. Don't let them see you, Mina. They're going to think that you're a freak and they'll never want to speak to you ever again. They're the reason why you'll become successful as a musician. Before a single tear could seep from my eyes, I took a deep breath.  
  
_Inhale, exhale._  
  
"Okay, I think", I flash an assuring smile, but the group doesn't look too assured.  
  
_Fuck._  
  
"That's it?" Yuzuna chuckles, popping a potsticker into her mouth, "I'd expect more from the youngest classical Grammy Award recipient of all time."  
  
_Great. Now I have to share that story too._  
  
"I'm sorry? You mean The Grammy Awards?" Karen squeaks out the words like they're a huge deal, "The biggest, most prestigious award in the music industry? The one with Solti, Boulez, U2, John Williams, Stevie Wonder, Kanye, Jay Z, and Beyoncé?"  
  
"You didn't hear?" Shuuka's eyes widened, "Mina won Best Classical Instrumental Solo for her performance of Weber’s _[Bassoon Concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndSWuAwpKGg)_ and Seo Joohyun's _Le Cygne Noir_ for solo bassoon and orchestra with Valery Gergiev as the conductor and the London Symphony Orchestra as the accompaniment. She performed at the BBC Proms too, in the Royal Albert Hall — the most sought-out concert seasons in the world."  
  
  
"Oh wow Mina, congrats", Reina half-heartedly projects.  
  
"Hey!" Nayeon interjects, "This is a big deal for Mina."  
  
"Yeah yeah. I know that", Reina said, half-distracted by her conversation with Shori, Yuzuna, and Karen about this week's episode, "This isn't just any episode. It's the PLL Christmas Special! We have to discuss this before I leave for France next week."  
  
"Oh, so you're saying that one episode of a stupid television drama is more important than one of our friend's biggest accomplishments?"  
  
“Nayeon, please”, I begged her to stop as I didn’t want to cause any further misunderstandings.  
  
"Jesus Christ. I'll congratulate her properly later!" Reina raises her voice, creating tension in the room.  
  
"You guys, stop it!" Shuuka chides the two.  
  
Reina and Nayeon distance themselves to avoid any additional trouble. I look over and Nayeon mouths the word 'sorry' over to me. Nayeon and I have been together for as long as I can remember, even before I met Sana in elementary concert band. We're both woodwind players and we guide each other through our music and our hardships. She sits next to me whenever we have similar classes. We compete in the same competitions, but I always end up placing higher than Nayeon, and it makes me feel guilty that I'm not giving her an opportunity to bask in the limelight. But Nayeon doesn't care; she puts it off with a teethy grin in the end, but I'm not so sure about how she feels on the inside.  
  
I wasn't happy at all with Reina's attitude, but at least it kept us off-topic from her previous question. And at least Shuuka saved my ass by giving Reina an explanation. As panic and fear finally subsided, I sank lower into my seat and waited for the breaking news report to end. Reina had already forgotten about her question and only focused on waiting for PLL to resume.  
  
As soon as the report ended and the television switched back to our original program, the ending credits display on the wide screened TV.  
  
"Hey! What the hell!" Karen shouts, "We don't even know how the episode ended!"  
  
"God", Yuzuna grunts, "It's because of that stupid breaking news report!"  
  
"Why do we need to hear about people taking their lives?" Reina gripes, "They chose to die and be pathetic and all that!"  
  
The only thing that comes out of my mouth is a docile response, "You guys can just watch it another time, right?"  
  
_Are you that stupid?_  
  
Reina's eyebrows knit together, "Are you that stupid?"  
  
Oh my god. She said it.  
  
"I'm leaving next week and I'm going to be gone all month! And by the time I come back there's going to be more episodes and it’s going to be the first semester of our third year!" She stuffs her black hair and pulls it into a messy bun as if we were going to engage in a fight, "Haven't you thought about that? How do you expect me to value your accomplishments if you can't even value my time?"  
  
Her last sentence rang in my head like a broken tape recorder. What was I thinking when I said that? I felt something strange inside of me, like I was detached from the world and everything faded to pitch black. My throat tightened and I body temperature sky-rocketed. I wanted to throw on my coat and escape from the building, running as fast as I can because I could not understand this sensation. But I figured had I done that, everyone will perceive me as a coward and wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore.  
  
"You entitled prick", Nayeon glares at Reina, "You're being ridiculous."  
  
"What?" Reina pretends that she wasn't pay attention and returns to her chat with Yuzuna. Everyone else in the room is dead silent.  
  
"I said, 'You're. Being. Ridiculous.' How hard is it for you to understand three words?" Nayeon's voice grows harsher.  
  
"If you don't want to be friends anymore, leave the room", Reina laughs, "I'm not going to waste my time bickering with a joke like you."  
  
"Mina, let's go", Nayeon says urgently.  
  
"Mina doesn't want to follow you", Yuzuna spat.  
  
"Don't fucking speak for Mina!" She hisses at the shorter girl, "Mina, you don't want to be with these people. They're only going to make your life worse. They only know you on the outside, they don't care about what's on the inside."  
  
"I beg to differ, we're going to make Mina's life a lot better", Reina opposes, "In the cutthroat world of the classical music industry, meek girls like Mina will never make it out alive. She needs protection from the most talented people there are, like us. And our parents are friends with her parents, so it wouldn't be wise for her to leave us. She needs us."  
  
"Mina doesn't need you guys to be successful. She's talented in her own right!"  
  
"Yo", Reina's voice grows even more serious than the last time, "You told us not to speak for Mina, so keep your word."  
  
"Why don't we let Mina decide what she wants to do?" Shori speaks up spontaneously, casually sipping his apple cider drink.  
  
"Good idea", Reina complies, "Mina, who are you going to stick with? Me, or Nayeon? I suggest the former."  
  
Nayeon shoots a desperate look at me and Reina crosses her arms, her eyes signaling the message, 'you're going to regret it'. I know that Nayeon would be understanding of my problems, but then my parents and Reina's parents have been close friends since their Juilliard days. If Reina tells her parents about me leaving her group, eventually my parents will find out and they're going to beat me up for it. Reina's other relatives work for the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), they can try to ruin my family reputation and prevent us from performing at the Proms. My parents could get fired from the New York Philharmonic. I'm on the verge of crying now, but my tears translate to sweat and I start hyperventilating instead. If I keep this up, they're going to find out about my mental illness.  
  
"Sorry", My answer is brief — brief enough as to not send me into another panic attack.  
  
Nayeon doesn't say anything. Her head is hung low as she slips on her boots and leaves the room. My heart rate goes down, but my mind is still filled with regretful thoughts. But the cost of losing my friends, a career, and my family for one person is too unbearable.  
  
"Good choice", Reina smiles at me.

* * *

**The Ninth Measure**

The Summer Before Junior Year of College  
  
Every evening, for three or four days a week, we have Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals in the school’s Harris/Woolfson Orchestral Studio. Me and my friends were the only underclassmen that were accepted into the ensemble as everybody else is either in their Junior Year, Senior Year, or are pursuing post-graduate degrees. I’ve been principal bassoon since freshman year. This is surprising because The Juilliard Orchestra is the most prominent ensemble on campus, giving students numerous opportunities to grow and improve by emulating the atmosphere of an actual professional orchestra. The Juilliard Orchestra performs regularly at Lincoln Center and Carnegie Hall, as well as in the school’s opera and dance productions, on-and-off-campus events, radio broadcasts, and national and international tours as well. Before one could take on all of that hullabaloo, there is a three-week Orchestra Orientation that undergraduates need to go through before taking on the rigors of The Juilliard Orchestra. This is all before they even get a chance to audition to occupy a vacant seat in one of the sections.  
  
Because it’s still summer and classes have not yet begun, The Juilliard Orchestra runs long rehearsals every day. Luckily, we’ve just finished our national tour so all we have to do now is prepare for the freshman orientation in September.  
  
"Shuuka! That's your third hiccup today!" Maestro Gilbert, conductor of The Juilliard Orchestra, addresses the lanky oboist sternly.  
  
"I'm sorry", she acknowledged.  
  
"I'd expect this error from a first year, but from the Principal Oboe of The Juilliard Orchestra? The top ensemble of the Juilliard School of Music? And the daughter of the Principal Oboe (Her father) and Cor Anglais (Her mother) of the New York Philharmonic?" He continues to ramble, and every sentence acts as a dagger to my chest, "Do you know how many oboists are dying to be in your seat? Act like you deserve this position, and stop rushing! Match the pace of the Principal Clarinetist."  
  
"Yes sir", she complies again.  
  
I jerk my head to see who the Principal Clarinetist was. It’s Shori Satou, Reina’s boyfriend. Last year’s position was occupied by Kwon Yuri, a senior and the top of her graduating class. I talked to her everyday because it is customary that the principal clarinetist and the principal bassoonist always sit next to each other, no exceptions. Yuri is such a beauty, with long and luscious chocolate-colored hair, tan skin, and a leg game too strong for me to comprehend. She smells so nice too. I don’t know much about her but she probably has a good life, having both brains and beauty. I envy her for being so calm and composed during rehearsals.  
  
Oh, Shori Satou. The Japanese flower boy smiled disparagingly; he doesn't want my companionship. It was no longer Kwon Yuri, the one who acted as my sister and my partner-in-crime in hiding snacks from the director's sight. The sweet, fragrant scent of her Pink Cherry Blossom perfume from Etude House was replaced with the harsh scent of citrus. Every time I would inhale, I'd suffocate from the strong smell.  
  
I miss Yuri a lot. Yuri was a keen role model to me in my Juilliard Years beacause she was very introspective and she always did her best to assist her section mates with their needs. . Yet at the same time, I’m happy for her because she’s found success after leaving. She graduated a few months ago and is leaving for England to join the London Symphony Orchestra.  
  
And then I look over Shori’s head to see an empty seat next to the Eb clarinetist.  
  
Im Nayeon, who played bass clarinet with us for a while, was booted out of the orchestra because she was put on academic probation. According to JB, a trumpet player who sits behind me and also Nayeon's boyfriend since middle school, Nayeon failed her music jury last semester and has one more semester to redeem herself. If she fails again, she'll get kicked out of Juilliard. In the meantime, she joined forces with the Juilliard Pops Orchestra to fulfill one of the diploma requirements. Almost everyone in The Juilliard Orchestra despises Nayeon for making this decision. There is a rivalry with our orchestra and the Juilliard Pops Orchestra, but I never quite understood why or how this rivalry commenced.  
  
I also I don't know how one of the brightest, most passionate clarinetists in the school could dip so low, to the bottom of her class. It must be because of what happened in the eighth grade, and I'm partly guilty for it. And she’s so close to graduating too.  
  
“Myoui!”  
  
_Oh no._  
  
“Quit spacing out and look at your sheet music!” he chided.  
  
“I’m sorry”, I apologize, swallowing hard.  
  
"Let's move onto something else", Maestro Gilbert grimaced, closing the score to Elgar's Enigma Variations, "Get it together, you guys! We only have a few days before we play for the New Student Orientation. From the top of Mahler's Third Symphony, first movement."  
  
I sniffled back the tears and sat up straight, preparing for the next piece.

* * *

**The Tenth Measure**

After rehearsal, I meet up with my friends at the Indie, a cafe conveniently located across Juilliard's main entrance. We sit near the wide windows, talking and laughing with espresso drinks in our hands and mini gelato bowls piled up in the center (Except Karen, who is a vegetarian). I hunker down in a seat next to Shuuka, because she’s the nicest girl in our group and she won't savage me down like a shark. Reina isn't even here, which makes it a bigger relief considering that she won’t throw a temper tantrum and that I could speak as freely as I want. She, as the assistant concertmistress of The Juilliard Orchestra, stayed with concertmaster Kai for a meeting.  
  
"Minari!" Shuuka exclaims, her arms reaching out for an embrace. I’m shocked that she’s in a good mood and not bawling because Maestro Gilbert screamed at her in rehearsals. "What happened to you in rehearsal? You seemed upset."  
  
I shrugged, laughing it off, "It's just one of those off-days, I guess? I was making reeds and I sliced four of my fingers open."  
  
Shuuka grabs my right arm and lifts it up to eye level, "Oh my God, you're right!"    
  
"Can they move?" Karen asked.  
  
"Not really", I said, flexing my bandaged fingers.  
  
"I heard that if you cut your fingers, they grow back", Shuuka mentions, "It's like how starfishes can grow back their limbs."  
  
Yuzuna raises an eyebrow, "Shuuka, what the fuck?"  
  
"They're just deep cuts!" I giggled, somewhat snorting in between, "I didn't decapitate them or anything! And besides, this always happens when I'm carving reeds, so I'm used to having cuts on my fingers."  
  
"God, Mina. You're so cute", Yuzuna cooed, poking my cheek.  
  
In the middle of our meal, a tall girl with curly brown hair emerges from the front door and heading towards our direction. Karen removes her viola case from the seat next to her so she can sit. This girl's eyes jump from left to right, trying to identify who we are.  
  
"Umm..." Yuzuna just hums as she stares at the younger girl sitting across from her, "Who is this?"  
  
"Her name is Somi", Karen introduces her half-Dutch, half-Korean mentee, "I tutor her in music theory at the pre-college division. I have to keep an eye on her because her mother is coming home late from work, her father is in Denmark visiting family, and New York City at night time is far too dangerous for a eighteen year-old to be wandering alone. So she'll be with me for a while."  
  
"Oh okay, no problem!" Yuzuna perks up again, "Hi Somi!"  
  
"Hello!" She greets enthusiastically, then she turns to me, "Hi Mina!"  
  
What the hell? How does she know me?  
  
"Remember me from The National Youth Symphony of the U.S.?" she crinkles her nose, "I played clarinet and you were Principal Bassoon."  
  
Oh.  
  
I’m not a member of the NYO-USA anymore because the maximum age for members is nineteen years-old and I’m already twenty.  
  
"Oh shoot, you're right!" I address clumsily, knocking over my drink until Shuuka saves my cup from its fall, "I'm so sorry. I blanked out for a second. That's right! I was a senior and you were a sophomore at LaGuardia. How are things going?"  
  
"Awesome! I'm preparing for my Juilliard audition with Nayeon as my tutor", Somi exclaims, "Speaking of which, where is Nayeon?"  
  
Oh god.  
  
The air is filled with silence as each of us waits for someone to answer. Karen is mouthing over to Yuzuna to give a response, but then Yuzuna nudges Karen so she could avoid the question. Karen then pinches her older sister, and then Shuuka shoots puppy-dog eyes at Yuzuna. Yuzuna shakes her head and leans over to stare at Karen, but Karen still doesn't know about the whole ordeal between Nayeon and the rest of the Juilliard Orchestra since she’s only a freshman and has yet to become a member of the ensemble. The tension boils down to me.  
  
"She's busy, I think", I say sheepishly. I glanced at Yuzuna and she is crossing her fingers, hoping that Somi falls for my lame reply.  
  
That's not true.  
  
"Oh, I figured", Somi says coolly and everyone emits a sigh of relief, "Also, Nayeon is a college upperclassmen and you guys are college underclassmen so she's probably worrying about after-college stuff. There are days where she can't find enough time to teach me."  
  
"When's your Juilliard audition?" Yuzuna avoids the previous topic in an attempt to uplift the mood.  
  
"The end of February", she answered, "I have to perform one major solo and one complete concerto from memory. And in addition, an unnamed amount of orchestral excerpts and etudes. At least I don't have to pre-screen, but still."  
  
"Shit", Karen, who is a year younger than us and had her audition last year, gasps in surprise, "Juilliard is seriously ramping up the difficulty level."  
  
"Just be prepared for the unexpected", Shuuka advises, "You might not even get a chance to play all of the pieces that you have prepared. And in some cases, the judges might ask for more so it doesn't hurt to build your repertoire."  
  
My mind backtracks to my horrid LaGuardia audition where my parents yelled at me for not giving a perfect performance. I never felt so much like a loser in my entire life.  
  
"You okay, Mina?" Karen suddenly asks, packing her things. It looked like they were just about to leave.  
  
"You're deep in thought", Shuuka adds with a worried expression.  
  
"Oh, sorry", I say, blinking rapidly, "Today was just an off-day."  
  
"You'll do better tomorrow", Yuzuna guarantees as the waitress hands her the check. Her words aren't assuring in the slightest.  
  
Somi gapes at the piece of paper held in Yuzuna's hands, "How are your drinks that cheap?"  
  
"It's all about that 10% Juilliard discount!" Karen boasts, waving her Student ID card couched in between her middle and index fingers.  
  
"So many benefits. I can't wait to get into Juilliard! It's going to be so much fun being with a bunch of talented musicians", I hear Somi's excitement and I'm just thinking to myself, Oh dear god. I feel almost bad for what you’re about to go through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terms
> 
> Music Jury — A music jury is a final performance by a music student for a panel of jurors, usually consisting of faculty of the institution. Students attend private lessons throughout the year, and they perform at the end of a semester or the year, to illustrate progress before the panel.
> 
> Grammy Award — An honor awarded by The Recording Academy to recognize outstanding achievement in the music industry.
> 
> The Proms — The Proms, more formally known as the BBC Proms or Promenade Concerts presented by the BBC, is an eight-week summer season of daily orchestral classical music concerts and other events held annually, predominantly in the Royal Albert Hall in central London, England, UK. The Last Night of the Proms is the concert that sells out the most tickets and takes place on the second Saturday of September.
> 
> Principal Player — Principal Players, sometimes called the "first chair," is typically the most skilled player in each instrumental section. This player is usually charged with playing any solos written in the music. Depending on the politics of an ensemble, their jobs may also include possessing good interpersonal and communication skills, working in conjunction with other staff members, organizing and leading sectional rehearsals, providing coaching to their section members, attend meetings, and more. They may also be required to learn the music earlier than the rest of the members.
> 
> Concertmaster — The Concertmaster or Concertmistress is the second-most significant person in an orchestra, symphonic band or other musical ensemble after the conductor or director. In many concert bands, the principal clarinetist is the equivalent of the concertmaster/concertmistress in a symphony orchestra. They are the second most significant person in an orchestra after the conductor, and are typically ranked highest out of all the section principals in terms of group pecking order. The concertmaster is recognized with a separate stage entrance, during which they bow to the audience and shake the conductor's hand.
> 
> Repertoire — A stock of plays, dances, or pieces that a company or a performer knows or is prepared to perform.
> 
> Concerto — A musical composition for a solo instrument or instruments accompanied by an orchestra, especially one conceived on a large scale.
> 
> Excerpt — A short extract from a film, broadcast, or piece of music or writing.
> 
> Etude — A short musical composition, typically for one instrument, designed as an exercise to improve the technique or demonstrate the skill of the player.


	3. bocca chiusa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Score - A full score is a large book showing the music of all instruments and/or voices in a composition lined up in a fixed order. "Score" is also a common alternative (and more generic) term for sheet music, and there are several types of scores. The term "score" can also refer to theatre music, orchestral music or songs written for a play, musical, opera or ballet, or to music or songs written for a television programme or film.
> 
> Sheet Music - Sheet music is a handwritten or printed form of music notation that uses modern musical symbols to indicate the pitches (melodies), rhythms and/or chords of a song or instrumental musical piece. Sheet music is the basic form in which Western classical music is notated so that it can be learned and performed by solo singers or instrumentalists or musical ensembles. 
> 
> Measure - In musical notation, a bar (or measure) is a segment of time corresponding to a specific number of beats in which each beat is represented by a particular note value and the boundaries of the bar are indicated by vertical bar lines. Dividing music into bars provides regular reference points to pinpoint locations within a piece of music. It also makes written music easier to follow, since each bar of staff symbols can be read and played as a batch.

_bocca chiusa_  
Origin: Latin  
Closed Mouth, i.e. a wordless humming (in choral music)

* * *

 

**The Eleventh Measure**

Wednesday: September 9, 2020 (Now, Junior Year)  
  
I survived orientation, wherein the Juilliard Orchestra had to perform for the incoming freshmen.  
  
I glance over at my schedule and narrow down what I have to go through on a daily basis: 3-4 hours of rehearsals with the Juilliard Orchestra every day, 60 minutes of bassoon lessons every Monday and Wednesday, 90 minutes of studio classes every Friday, 30 minutes of piano lessons every Tuesday and Thursday, 90 minutes of Music History of the 20th-21st Century every Monday and Friday, 2 hours of a double reed repertory class every Wednesday, 90 minutes of Music Theory IV every Tuesday and Thursday.  
  
And there's also the daily necessities of sleeping, eating, bathing, homework, individual practice, reed-making, and what have you.  
  
Today is Wednesday and it is the busiest day of my week because I have my one hour lesson at 1 p.m., my repertory class at 3:30 p.m., and then Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Way to start off my third year, right?  
  
Since I stay at Juilliard's Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, getting to campus wasn't a problem. The only thing separating the residence hall from the school is a bridge, and the cool thing is that it only takes thirty seconds to cross the bridge. But I like to take my time and look down at the slew of cars, mainly taxis, clogging up West 65th Street. There are also high school kids taking a gander at the main building of the Juilliard School, a place where their hopes and dreams lie. Back when I was in the pre-college division, I would leave LaGuardia and walk over to Juilliard since it was only a block away.  
  
Ah, those were the easy days.  
  
I drill in some practice time before I head off to my lesson. A while ago, Maestro Gilbert revealed the lineup for the 2020/2021 concert season of all Juilliard ensembles. After the three-week Orientation — this three week cycle comprised of seminars, workshops, and rehearsals - our concert season is going to begin with Stravinsky and Strauss, Andris Nelsons of the Boston Symphony Orchestra being our guest conductor. I see _The Rite of Spring_ printed on the syllabus in bolded font and my jaw drops. I haven’t played this piece in years and the opening solo is known to be a bitch for bassoon players. And as a section leader, I have to study my parts before anyone else.  
  
Like seriously. Who starts off a new concert season with _The Rite of Spring_? It’s not even spring; **it’s autumn**. Alan Gilbert really wants to make an eccentric first-impression to the masses.  
  
My anxiety eases as soon as I get to my bassoon lesson. Thank god that Dr. Cseszneky is my teacher or else I'd get screwed over by this meaner, German bassoon professor that my seat partner, Mingyu, has. Dr. Cseszenky is my tall, Hungarian professor whom my peers swoon over because he looks like a carbon copy of Ryan Gosling. I use the "Dr." title because he has a Doctor of Musical Arts degree. Occasionally, he'll have unwanted guests (half of whom aren't even music majors) barge into his room during lessons to drop off gifts or just plainly flirt with him. Last year, I stepped on a pack of condoms while adjusting my seat strap. Dr. Cseszneky is the youngest member of the Juilliard faculty and second bassoonist of the New York Philharmonic, along with my father. He grew up in San Francisco and was a member of San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra.  
  
Our lesson goes well, and Kevin (Dr. Cseszneky makes me call him by his first name) gives me a bunch of insight of how to make my solo in _The Rite of Spring_ sound smoother and easier to play.

* * *

 

**The Twelfth Measure**

And just when I thought things were going to get better, they don't.  
  
Before my repertory class at 3:30 p.m., I end up stuck with Reina at The Juilliard & SAB Cafe as we wait for our other friends to get out of their classes. She hovers over to me because she doesn't want to sit with strangers. And before I knew it, my plans to eat a peaceful lunch and study for my next class have been tossed out the window. To make things worse, the place is filled with voice singing arias or drama majors reciting monologues, almost like a segment of _Fame_.  
  
It's painstakingly quiet as Reina taps her fingers against the table, scrolling through her Pinterest feed while I start "air-playing” my solo. I had an inclination to say something, but my mind was telling me that if I say something stupid again, I could possibly tick her off and it would send me into another panic attack. Reina didn't look like she was in a good mood either, so I didn't even bother. Our meal arrives and Reina is still occupied with her phone. She doesn't even bother to say 'thank you' to the waitress.  
  
"Sorry we're late!" I hear Karen's loud voice over a chorus of noisy Juilliard students. The other girls are piled up behind the 5'4" girl.  
  
"Where in the heavens were you guys?" Reina moans, "I tried to text all of you!"  
  
"We all had our individual lessons", Karen answers, "We had to wait for because she took the longest."  
  
A different waiter strolls by, one with the competency of a confused toddler tying their shoelaces while wearing mittens on. His name is Youngjae and he looked like one of those desperate teenagers trying to help his parents pay off expensive Manhattan rent. He seemed to forget what my friends wanted to order before the words left their lips. It was tiring, seeing them have to repeat their words while they, especially an exhausted Karen and Reina, become more frustrated by the minute.  
  
"Can you believe that boy?" Karen gripes about waitress, "How the hell did he get the job?"  
  
"He's probably special", Yuzuna jokes, and she doesn't quite use the word as a compliment. My stomach churns.  
  
"Don't worry girls", Reina assures, "If there is another mishap, I'm going to make a scene."  
  
The whole time my friends are making vulgar jokes about the waiter, I sit quietly and try to divert my mind to a more peaceful place. But it didn't work. The good and bad thoughts are brawling for dominance, and so far, the bad thoughts are overpowering. I felt helpless. Even though my friends say things that I don't agree with, I wouldn't dare move nor say a word in my defense. They'll think I'm stupid.  
  
"Sorry guys, that horrid _Ein Heldenleben_ viola excerpt was killing my left hand. The one at #77 to four measures after #79 and the one from #94 to #98", Karen admits, cracking her knuckles, "That's why I'm kind of cranky."  
  
"Oh no, we get it!" Reina says, "We first violinists have it hard too! You got your solo down, Mina?"  
  
"Y-Yeah!" I pathetically reply, realizing that I had absentmindedly dumped a ton of balsamic vinegar on our orange basil salad. Reina snorted.  
  
"You fucked up the salad!" Yuzuna gripes as she pulls her hair. I really want to disappear now.  
  
"It's okay! I'll eat it!" Shuuka volunteers, "It's still food!"  
  
"You're going to get fat", Karen warned.  
  
"I haven't eaten since signing up for the masterclass with Albrecht Mayer", Shuuka complains, "And that was hours ago."  
  
"The Berlin Phil—" Karen pauses, taking time for that name to sink into her head, "You mean the Berlin Philharmonic is here?"  
  
"Didn't you guys read the program for our Orchestra Orientation?" I sound surprised, "They're going to be our mentors for the three weeks that they're in the U.S., along with the NY Phil and the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra. And on Saturday, they're also going to perform Bach's St. Matthew Passion, conducted by Sir Simon Rattle, at Park Avenue Armory. And on Sunday, Beethoven's Eighth and Ninth symphonies, also conducted by Sir Simon Rattle himself, at the David Geffen Hall."  
  
"They just recently hired a bunch of new members, right?" I questioned out of nowhere, silently lamenting on it. Reina, Karen, and Yuzuna are gawking at me like the awkward turtle I am. This is what happens when you grow up not having any other bassoonists except yourself. I was practically first chair in my own section all throughout middle school and throughout LaGuardia. The youth orchestras were an exception, since a traditional orchestra needs at least two bassoonists. But that did nothing to improve my social skills since the second chair wouldn't even talk to me.  
  
_Oh my god. Did I say something stupid?_  
  
"You're right, Mina!" Shuuka remembered, and I exhaled in relief, "They have a small Korean Girl as their new bass trombonist. The Takahashi sisters said that she went to the same high school as them.”  
  
"Welp. There goes your dreams of ever joining the Berlin Phil", Shuuka downplays as she stares at her phone, scrolling through a list of vacant seats on the Berlin Philharmonic’s website, "All viola positions have been taken."  
  
"You'll never know!" Karen argues, "Maybe another spot will open up."  
  
"I don't mean to sound morbid or anything, but the only time a position will ever open up in the Berlin Phil is if someone retires or if someone dies", I laugh, but that doesn't convince the oboist otherwise. She's still dead-set on her dream.  
  
"No offense but some of the viola players in the Berlin Phil do look old", Yuzuna observes, "One or two of them are bound to retire."  
  
"Hah!" Karen teases me and Shuuka, and the older sister nastily sticks her tongue out.  
  
Everything was all giggles and smiles until Nayeon and her new group of friends spot a vacant table next to us. From the corner of my eye, I could see Yuzuna taking the initiative to bring Reina into the conversation and warn her about the incoming trouble up ahead.  
  
"Oh no", Reina sighs, "Not these weirdos."  
  
"What's wrong with them?" Karen innocently asks, "They look cute. Especially that Tzuyu gi—"  
  
Yuzuna covers Karen's mouth with her hands before she could spit out another stupid word, "Shh! They're imbeciles!"  
  
"Since when?"  
  
"Since Nayeon joined them."  
  
I get it now. Whomever Nayeon is associated with automatically becomes our mortal enemies.  
  
I need to explain who they are now, huh?  
  
They are members of the Juilliard Pops Orchestra— the music school's newest ensemble, having their inaugural year in the 2018/2019 season. Many members in our orchestra share this widespread prejudice that playing show tunes and popular music were weird. We didn't really care about them until their president and timpanist, Yoo Jungyeon; their co-vice presidents, Park Jihyo and Momo Hirai; treasurer and cellist, Chou Tzuyu; secretary and double bassist, Kim Dahyun; and concertmasters, Jackson and Eunha; fought with our members for practice space. Thus came the consensus that both the Juilliard Orchestra and the Juilliard Pops Orchestra would have to take turns using the Alice Tully Hall and the studio, decreasing our efficiency as a group and the amount of practice time on our hands. And now that Nayeon is with them, my friends' bitterness towards the ensemble grew only stronger.  
  
"You guys, I have to go", I slide out of my chair and reach for my bassoon case sitting on the floor.  
  
"Minari, it's only 2:30", Shuuka comments, looking down at her watch.  
  
"I know but..." my mind is racing for excuses, "I need to make more reeds for tonight's rehearsal!"  
  
"Can't you do that here?" Karen inquires.  
  
"My materials aren't here", I'm biting my lip, hoping that they believe me, "A-And I have another class at 3:30. Besides, you guys wouldn't want to have scraps of wood wafting the air as you eat. It's just unsanitary."  
  
"Mina, we're done eating", Yuzuna furrows her eyebrow, then she leans forward to whisper in my ear, "We're going to... you know, gossip."  
  
Gossip. I hate that term. It'd make me think back to those days when I was forced to attend those weekly family reunions. Those gatherings became competitions for my parents, aunts, and uncles to see whose child has the most achievements. I was in elementary school and so were most of my cousins, yet they were always getting straight A's, doing volunteer work, winning spelling bee competitions, or something. My parents had nothing to brag about except the fact that I could play the clarinet “well”, as I wasn't particularly stellar in bassoon back then. In fact, bassoon wasn't even my first instrument; it was the clarinet, and I had terrible lung capacity back then because my immune system was crap. I didn't take up the bassoon until I was ten.  
  
And then for some odd reason, I’m having this ringing sensation in my ear. The sounds of loud chatter in the background start to fade out and I feel another migraine coming on. My wellness counselor, Mrs. Chan, infers that these migraines are symptoms that occur with my occasional panic attacks.  
  
I’m not completely sure, but I think I’m having a panic attack.  
  
"You're not upset that Nayeon left you, right?" Reina asks sweetly yet deceptively, somehow knowing about our past history together as friends.  
  
Bad memories are clogging my head. The room spins and everyone around me disappears. My heart is hammering my chest like a snake trying to shed its skin. My gut tells me to sprint, but my childhood memories are reminding me of how much of a coward I am because I never spoke up about the fact that my parents overworked me to exhaustion.  
  
"No, not at all", I calmly respond, and then I walk out of the café before another panic attack could come on.  
  
"Mina! Wait—" Shuuka's voice sounds in my ear for split second, but I don't waste any time. I'm gone before she could finish her sentence.

* * *

 

**The Thirteenth Measure**

Once I'm out the door, I start running. Strands of my crimson red hair dance with the cool, autumn wind and obstructing my view. But I don't care. I can't look back. Ms. Chan, the wellness counselor at the Juilliard School, instructed me to take these steps. These directions are practically nailed to my brain — like pieces of paper thumbtacked against a bulletin board, each page highlighting each step:

  * If you're in the early stages of a panic attack, get yourself moving to keep your blood flowing and help your body breathe a bit easier.
  * Find a safe, preferably empty, space for you to gather your thoughts.
  * Practice slow breathing. Hyperventilation can lead to chest pains, lightheadedness, and breathlessness.



There's barely any people inside the Riverside Public Library, so I advance past the friendly librarian and and hide in one of the aisles located on the opposite end of the entrance — the rear back of the library. I crouch down and hug my knees, practicing one of the three breathing exercises that I learned from the wellness counselor. The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.

Once I regain my conscience, I take note of my surroundings. I look up from the cradle of my arms and realize that I'm in the "Fantasy" section, encompassed by fables and fairy tales shuffled loosely in shelves. A tall shadow looms over my figure — it’s the librarian. She was in her mid-fifties or so, donned in one of those vintage, plaid dresses that my friends wouldn't approve of. She wore a concerned expression on her pale, wrinkled face as she adjusted her tortoiseshell round eyeglasses.

"Miss. Are you okay?" She asked.

I help myself up on my legs, brushing off particles of dust that could've collected on my leggings, "Yeah. I'm fine, thank you."  
  
Then her eyes dropped towards my bassoon case, "You're a musician?"  
  
"Yes", I nodded.  
  
"At the Juilliard School?"  
  
"Yes."

  
"My daughter goes there too."  
  
My mouth gaped open, "Really?"  
  
"Yes. She was a member of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra and now she’s a member of the Juilliard Pops Orchestra. I'd always get tears in my eyes when she plays, because she really loves what she does and it shows through her music."  
  
“You’re from San Francisco?”  
  
“Yes”, she nodded, “But our family moved here to attend LaGuardia the year after you had auditioned. We also made this decision so that we could stay close to our daughter. It’s a miracle how she got accepted to the Juilliard School, especially since she’s partially deaf and has to perform barefoot to feel the music better. And luckily Jihyo and Sana, her friends from the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra, are also attending Juilliard.”  
  
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what’s your daughter’s name?” I ask inquisitively.  
  
“Chaeyoung”, the librarian answered.  
  
_Chaeyoung? Where the hell have I heard that name before?_  
  
"Hey", I say, glancing at the time on my phone screen, "I don't mean to leave, but I have a repertory class in thirty minutes."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about it", the librarian cracks a smile, "I hope we'll meet again soon."  
  
"I can guarantee you that this won't be my last visit", I smile back. But it's the truth — I have another safe haven for my incoming attacks.

* * *

 

**The Fourteenth Measure**

Thursday: September 10, 2020  
  
By the time I step out of one of the residence hall's shared bathrooms, it was already past midnight. I want to sleep, but my hair is still damp and I'm still wearing a bathrobe. I also find it disgusting to wake up to a batch of soaking wet pillows under my head.  
  
My dorm room is at the end of the hallway on the twenty-fifth floor of the residence hall. I have one roommate: Yoon Chaekyung.  
  
Other than Reina and the rest of our squad, Yoon Chaekyung is one of the most popular girls mainly due to the fact that she is considered as one of the ‘beauty queens’ in our year. She’s dubbed as the second ‘Im Yoona’ because of her attractiveness and her outstanding horn-playing abilities. Chaekyung is the Juilliard Orchestra’s principal hornist and also the girlfriend to piccolo player, Kim Sohee. Not only that, but her style of playing is as intricate and precise to that of Yoona’s. If you were to put Yoona and Chaekyung behind a screen and ask them to play the same piece, you wouldn’t even be able to guess who played first because their sound is insanely identical.  
  
“Welcome back!” Chaekyung stands up from her desk and greets me with a warm and comforting hug.  
  
“Hey”, I sigh.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Chaekyung pouts, motioning me to sit next to her on the bottom bunk (where she sleeps).  
  
“Not really. How’s Sohee?” I ask in an attempt to dodge her question.  
  
“Still a vegan. Still dragging me to her cardio dance class every now and then”, she said in a monotone voice, “How ‘bout you?”  
  
“Meh.”  
  
Chaekyung seemed concerned, “Was it because of today’s rehearsal?”  
  
I sheepishly nodded.  
  
Today (or should I say, yesterday) turned out to be another long day. I left my reed case at my repertory class, and I didn't realize this until a few minutes before orchestra rehearsal. I had to suffice with the one that I've been using for the whole week, and then Maestro Gilbert called me out for missing my entrance in _The Rite of Spring_. It was the first day of rehearsals with the freshmen observing us from the sidelines. And to make matters worse, the director of the Metropolitan Opera, Yannick Nézet-Séguin, came to visit and witness my mistake. So much for first impressions.  
  
“Hey, Mina. Do you mind being alone for a few minutes while I go grab a coffee in the student lounge?” Chaekyung asked.  
  
“This late?”  
  
“I just signed up for a masterclass with Stefan de Leval Jezierski a few hours ago because nobody told me that _the_ Berlin Philharmonic would be at the Juilliard School”, Chaekyung explained, her eyebags glaringly noticeable as I further inspected her face, “And now I have to study the third movement of Mahler’s _Fifth Symphony_ like it’s the death of me.”  
  
“Oh, okay”, I agreed. Trust me. I’ve been in the same situation as my roommate before.  
  
As soon as Chaekyung leaves the room (and thank god that she closed the door too), I settle my bassoon case next to the table lamp and strip off my bathrobe. I pull on some underwear and slip on a silk pajama top. Chaekyung has lived with me long enough to understand that I don’t favor wearing pants to bed. In fact, Chaekyung goes commando when she sleeps.    
  
"Fuuuucccckkk I'm so tired", I drawl out my words at my bedroom wall, cluttered with posters of popular Japanese boy bands such as Hey! Say! JUMP, Kis-My-Ft2, A.B.C-Z, Arashi, NEWS, SMAP, J Soul Brothers, EXILE, Yoona, Yoona, Yoona—  
  
Wait a goddamn minute. I don't like any of those groups, and I don't even recall hanging up any of those posters on that wall.  
  
“Hello?"  
  
"Shit!" I yell, accidentally hitting my head against the wall. My heart is beating rapidly and my breathing quickens as a result from the sudden voice. My head is filled with anxiety and terror. Someone has snuck into my room, and I don't even know how. I also question how this person managed to seize Im Yoona posters, but I just assume that Chaekyung ordered them online on a previous date.  
  
I scramble for a broom, using it as a defense mechanism, "Wh-Who’s there?"  
  
"It's me!" she squeals using her high-pitched voice, "I'm your new roommate!"  
  
I cock my head in confusion, "I'm sorry? New roommate?"  
  
"Uh? Yeah?" she snorted, "And just in case you were wondering, I did hang up those posters."  
  
“Er…” I still had the broom in my hands, “Show yourself!”  
  
The girl reveals herself by stepping out of the closet, clothed in something I would describe as geek-esque. Obviously, she was a Sailor Moon fan, as described by her Sailor Moon pajamas, crisis moon compact earrings, chibi moon hairclips, even her hairstyle is similar of that as to Usagi Tsukino herself. She's cute, though — big eyes, blonde hair, chubby cheeks — she resembles a squirrel. She’s slightly taller than me. She couldn't be caucasian, is what my gut is telling me. Maybe she's the one who hung up those posters.  
  
I was relieved that this girl didn’t turn out to be a spy, “What’s your name?”  
  
“OH MY GOD! YOU’RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS! NEWSFLASH, MINA MYOUI IS NOT WEARING PANTS!” She screeched before collapsing on the floor, bursting into laughter. I look down at my legs and she’s right. I’m only wearing a nightshirt that goes past the bottom of my ass cheeks.  
  
“Shut up!” My cheeks turn into a hot red, "Who are you?"  
  
“MINA! You don’t remember me? From elementary school?” She stomped her foot. Angry eyes were just the start, then came the strut, and finally the clipped words. Petal would turn, all of a smoulder, but her attractiveness was gone. “And you’re wearing penguin pajamas, how cute!”  
  
I spank her butt with the broom, “Answer my question, goddammit!”  
  
“Sana Minatozaki”, she finally cooled down after I slapped some sense into her.  
  
_Hold up. I feel like I’ve heard this name before, but I can’t recall clearly when._  
  
Oh, right.  
  
I met in her band class when we were in the fourth grade. During this time period, the other girls in The Spectacular Six (now five) have gone to study abroad in Europe and enhance their music-making skills. Sana was the one who kept me company when nobody else would because truth be told, I wasn't a very approachable kid back then. In fact, I think there's still a part of me that doesn't make me that likeable, but I haven't figured out what yet. Appearance-wise, Sana must’ve changed a lot. I don’t remember her having blonde hair nor being taller than me six years ago.  
  
“Don’t you hate me for leaving you for LaGuardia”, I thought, laying the broom down on the floor.  
  
“I tried not to. I was horrible at controlling my temper back then, but emotional therapy has really helped”, she says casually, as if nothing had gone wrong in the past. I have no idea what Sana meant when she says that she “tries” not to hate me, but it’s better than devouring my guts like all of my other past competitors. “Anyways, I’m sorry if I ever made such a bitchy impression on you at first. Trust me, I’m not a bitch.”  
  
“I’ll keep that in mind”, I say, slightly suspicious, “But can you explain something for me?”  
  
Sana stopped fidgeting with her socks and fixed her big-eyed gaze at me, “What?”  
  
“Nobody told me about a new roommate.”  
  
"Hahahaha", her laughter dwindles away by the second, "Sorry for the short notice. I just arrived here a few hours ago."  
  
“From where?”  
  
“Lower Manhattan.”  
  
"Err..." I'm scratching my head, "I don't mean to sound rude, but why do you need a room when you also live in New Yo—"

“You don't remember? I moved to San Francisco before you went to LaGuardia”, she clarified, still struggling to find a matching pair of socks to sleep in, “I only moved back to New York to attend Juilliard. But since I applied last-minute, I couldn’t get a dorm room so me and this other dance major named Cheng Xiao had to split the rent for a one-bedroom apartment in the East Village.”  
  
“Then how did you end up back in the dorms?” I interrogated.  
  
“Our apartment was infested with bedbugs so we convinced the dormitory keeper to find us a room and so Cheng Xiao is with Xuan Yi and then the keeper placed me here! At least now your housing fees are cheaper since all three of us are splitting the pay!” Sana talked relentlessly.  
  
_God, this girl is weird._  
  
“So how long are you—”  
  
“What do you play again?” Sana completely ignored my inquiry and stared at my instrument case, “The clarinet? The flute?”  
   
“The bassoon.”  
  
“Oh crap, I’m sorry”, she awkwardly stepped back.

 "You don't even remember what instrument I play!"

 "I'm just pulling your leg. I do remember what instrument you play, but you don't look like a bassoonist", Sana stifled a laugh.

 My eyes widened, hands placed firmly on my waist, "What the hell is a bassoonist supposed to look like?"

 The taller girl puts a finger to her chin, "Hmmmmm.... I don't know? I'd expect you to be a little taller and maybe male."

 That height comment triggered me, "Oh yeah? What if I told you that you didn't look like a horn player?"

“Minaaaaaaa! I’m back”, A few seconds after my question, I hear Chaekyung sing my name as she opens the door. She nearly spits out her coffee as her once-tired eyes land on the third girl in the room. “You’re the new roommate?”  
  
“Woah!” Sana gasped, “You’re Chaekyung, right?”  
  
The girl looked confused as to how Sana knew her name, “Uh-huh. Are you a musician?”  
  
“Yeah! I play the French Horn!”  
  
_Oh hell no._  
  
“HOLY SHIT!” Chaekyung’s wide awake at the mention of their mutual instrument, “How fucking lucky am I to have a roommate who not only has a good taste in anime, but also plays the same instrument as me? Girl, we have A LOT of things to discuss!”  
  
“We do!”  
  
“You guys better not talk through the night because I have a music theory class at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow”, I moan, drowning my face in the comfort of my blankets.  
  
Half of my suite is infested with horn players: one in the single bedroom, one pair in the one of the double bedrooms, and Yoon Chaekyung. To add more of a headache, there's two more upstairs on the twenty-sixth floor and three more downstairs on the twenty-fourth floor (one of whom is Yuta Nakamoto, Shuuka’s boyfriend). Whenever the practice rooms are occupied, you can hear all eight of them practice in their rooms at the same time, and mind you that none of our bedrooms are soundproof. And now there’s ten of them within proximity.  
  
And now I can't make reeds in peace.  
  
"So yeah", Sana continues, removing her hairclips and letting down a cascade of golden blonde locks, "Sorry if I make too much noise. You can always tap my shoulder and tell me to 'shut up' if I'm being too bothersome."  
  
"Ehhhh... it's okay. I won't be here that often anyways", I assure, rather uneasily.  
  
"Can I call you 'little duck'?" she gapes at me with those big brown eyes.  
  
"Wh-What", I nearly choke. That's such a ridiculous nickname.  
  
Sana stared incredulously at me, "You don't know? Prokofiev's _Peter and the Wolf_? The role of the duck?”  
  
“The duck is played by an _oboe_ , not a bassoon”, I corrected her.  
  
“There's also a running joke that beginning double reed players sound like dying ducks”, Chaekyung added with a teasing smile. I wanted to fist her with a cactus because I was once that dying duck.  
  
Sana continued, "So can I call you—"  
  
"No", I cut her off, “Now go to sleep.”  
  
“Don’t you guys wanna go out and get to know each other a little more?” she stupidly suggests, hogging out a change of clothes from her suitcase and her Prada handbag from the closet.  
  
I rejected her, “No, it’s too late. All the subway lines are closed and the only sight we’re going to get in after-midnight NYC is drunk people throwing up on the sidelines.”  
  
“We can go to a nightclub! I have connections with the DJs down at Clinton and Midtown West. I’ll just study Mahler last minute and hope that everything goes well in that masterclass tomorrow”, Chaekyung is seriously wide-awake now as she leaf throughs our closet for a party dress. I bet that she’s excited just because she’s found one of her own kind. The fact that Chaekyung would prioritize Sana Minatozaki over the Berlin Philharmonic masterclass was an idea that I found completely foreign, but whatever.  
  
“You guys can go. I have a morning class tomorrow”, I yawn, sitting down on top of my bed and wedging one calf muscle under the other.  
  
“Boo. You’re such a party-pooper”, Chaekyung jeers, slipping on a strapless, sequined dress that could’ve been hijacked from the ‘On Sale’ section in Forever 21.  
  
“Mina thinks that she’s too good for us”, Sana jumps on the teasing bandwagon, “Oh well, see you Myoui!”  
  
The air in my room has a lingering silence now that I’m alone. This feeling satisfies me because 1) I love to be alone and 2) I revel in peace and quietness. Soon, all that I was aware of was the soft mattress underneath me and the warmth of the sheets around me. My eyelids were getting heavy and all I wanted to do was clear up my mind from all of the day’s mishaps. A few minutes later, I was blissfully unaware of what was going on around me. And then finally, it was just me and my dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violin - The violin is a wooden string instrument in the violin family. It is the smallest and highest-pitched instrument in the family in regular use. The violin typically has four strings tuned in perfect fifths, and is most commonly played by drawing a bow across its strings, though it can also be played by plucking the strings (pizzicato). Violins make up a large part of an orchestra, and are usually divided into two sections, known as the first and second violins. Composers often assign the melody to the first violins, typically a more difficult part using higher positions, while second violins play harmony, accompaniment patterns or the melody an octave lower than the first violins. 
> 
> Viola - The viola is a bowed and plucked string instrument. It is slightly larger than a violin and has a lower and deeper sound than a violin. Since the 18th century it has been the middle or alto voice of the violin family, between the violin (which is tuned a perfect fifth above it) and the cello (which is tuned an octave below it).
> 
> Cello - The cello or violoncello is a bowed string instrument with four strings tuned in perfect fifths. The cellos are a critical part of orchestral music; all symphonic works involve the cello section, and many pieces require cello soli or solos. Much of the time, cellos provide part of the harmony for the orchestra. Often, the cello section plays the melody for a brief period, before returning to the harmony.
> 
> Double Bass - The double bass or simply the bass (and numerous other names) is the largest and lowest-pitched bowed string instrument in the modern symphony orchestra. Double basses are typically found in symphony orchestras, chamber orchestras, concert bands, jazz bands, and other string ensembles.
> 
> Flute - The flute is a family of musical instruments in the woodwind group. Unlike woodwind instruments with reeds, a flute is an aerophone or reedless wind instrument that produces its sound from the flow of air across an opening. It is the most common variant of the flute is the Western concert flute.
> 
> Piccolo - The piccolo is a half-size flute, and a member of the woodwind family of musical instruments. The larger orchestras have designated this position as a solo position due to the demands of the literature. Piccolos are often orchestrated to double the violins or the flutes, adding sparkle and brilliance to the overall sound because of the aforementioned one-octave transposition upwards.
> 
> Oboe - The oboe is a double-reed woodwind instrument. The distinctive oboe tone is versatile, and has been described as “bright.” The pitch of the regular oboe is affected by the way in which the reed is constructed, which has a significant effect on the sound of the instrument. Orchestras normally tune to a concert A played by the oboe, since the pitch of the oboe is secure and its penetrating sound makes it ideal for tuning purposes.
> 
> Percussion - A percussion instrument is a musical instrument that is sounded by being struck or scraped by a beater (including attached or enclosed beaters or rattles); struck, scraped or rubbed by hand; or struck against another similar instrument. Percussion instruments are most commonly divided into two classes: Pitched percussion instruments and unpitched percussion instruments
> 
> Timpani - Timpani, or kettledrums (also informally called timps) are musical instruments in the percussion family. A type of drum, they consist of a skin called a head stretched over a large bowl traditionally made of copper. They are played by striking the head with a specialized drum stick called a timpani stick or timpani mallet. A standard set of timpani consists of four drums: 
> 
> Master class - A master class is a class given to students of a particular discipline by an expert of that discipline—usually music. In a master class, all the students (and often spectators) watch and listen as the master takes one student at a time. The student (typically intermediate or advanced, depending on the status of the master) usually performs a single piece which they have prepared, and the master will give them advice on how to play it, often including anecdotes about the composer, demonstrations of how to play certain passages, and admonitions of common technical errors. The student is then usually expected to play the piece again, in light of the master's comments, and the student may be asked to play a passage repeatedly to attain perfection. Master classes for musical instruments tend to focus on the finer details of attack, tone, phrasing, and overall shape, and the student is expected to have complete control of more basic elements such as rhythm and pitch.


	4. passionato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_passionato_  
Origin: Italian  
In music, noting a passage to be rendered with emotional intensity

* * *

**The Fifteenth Measure**

Thursday: September 10, 2020  
  
_*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* “Okinasai! Okinasai! (Wake up! Wake up!)”_  
  
Not that alarm again…  
  
Sana has this obnoxious ringtone on her smartphone that goes off every ten minutes because that girl sleeps like a rock. The alarm rotated between about six different annoying noises of varying pitch and volume. At the top of the hour, it commences with the sound of a soothing woman’s voice. Yet with each progression in ten minute intervals, the pitch and the energy of the woman’s voice only becomes higher and more annoying, like a stereotypical thirteen year-old anime girl. For two hours, I tolerated that alarm. But now I feel like I’m going to go nuts if I hear another goddamn kid telling me to wake up.  
  
Half-awake, I climb down from the top bunk to check on Sana, who is resting on top of an inflatable bed that Chaekyung seized from Target last night. She’s still clothed in the cutout dress that she wore to the nightclub. She looked like an innocent puppy that was exhausted from playtime, drool falling from her mouth and dribbling down her chin. She looked so fragile, so vulnerable that nothing in the world can implement her calm mind with bad thoughts. I didn't want to destroy her tranquility as I would have loved to be in the same state as Sana.  
  
But I can't stand that alarm.  
  
"Hey", I lightly shook Sana on the shoulder, only managing a small budge to the right. Her facial expression remained the same. Then I shook her harder, but to no avail. I'm getting exhausted at this point and I need to save my strength for lugging around my bassoon case on my back.   
  
_Wait, why do I even care? I could just leave the dorm and be on my way._  
  
I hovered over to the lamp table to check my phone for the time:  
  
**11:30 p.m.**  
  
_Oh no._ I missed class. I must've overslept because I stayed up all night trying to get Chaekyung and Sana to shut up about horn stuff. The two girls were drunk and loud when they had returned from the nightclub. That was a disruption from what I thought would be a peaceful rest for the night.   
  
Dammit. Reina is in that class too. She's going to be wondering where the hell I was.  
  
Slipping off my pink jammies, I hurriedly threw on a random sweater and some black skinny jeans. I slung my instrument case straps over my shoulders and made my way out the dorm room. There was no time to make breakfast, so I figured that I would just settle with brunch before my piano lesson. Yes, I have to take piano lessons — it's a course that every music major in Juilliard is required to take regardless of what instrument you play. My piano-playing skills are decent, if not a little above-average. My fingers have been trained enough to move quickly enough during fast passages thanks to the bassoon (which uses all ten of my fingers to operate the keys).  
  
I plan to unwind at Richard Tucker Square, a small triangular park known formerly as Empire Park North. It isn't truly a park because there's more concrete than grass, but whatever. It's conveniently located adjacent to the Juilliard School and the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts. I could easily grab a club sandwich from one of the the street vendors and sit in one of the tables around the plaza. And unlike the Juilliard SAB Café, Richard Tucker Square isn't entirely congested with Juilliard students, making way to a blissful hour of eating and studying before my next class.  
  
When I arrived at a table placed as far away from other people as possible, a troop of Juilliard students carried in more long, rectangular tables along the block. I totally forgot that there would be an student activities fair running throughout this week and next week, and it's usually a pain in the ass trying to avoid these students from shoving fliers in your face. Most of the larger organizations, such as the Juilliard Orchestra, would have their advertising booths placed on the main campus. The orchestra's goal isn't to recruit new members, but rather to gain the public's interest and hopefully inspire the younger students to try out the orchestra in the future. The Juilliard's ensembles use this practice because they function as a college class and not an extracurricular past-time. During the add/drop period, students still have a chance to try out for these ensembles.  
  
On the other hand, the only booths that I could see within my periphery were the Juilliard Christian Fellowship, the Office of Academic Support and Disability Services, and The Juilliard Pops Orchestra. _Oh no, not the Pops Orchestra. Please don't approach me._  
  
Thankfully, the members are nowhere near me as Jackson, Eunha, Jihyo, Tzuyu, and Dahyun set up their instruments on the plaza's mini-stage. Sighing, I return to my sandwich and continue studying for my next class. Damn you, Sana Minatozaki. If only you hadn't made me miss my music theory class, I wouldn't have to be stuck staring at my piano score for Schubert's _Ave Maria_.   
  
Now, back to studyi—  
  
"BOOM! Flier in your face!"   
  
"EEK!" I screech, nearly falling off my chair. I jerk my head around to see a blonde girl with fishnet tights and a shockingly short dress.  
  
"Bahahahahaha!" she laughed, "You're Mina Myoui, right? I didn't expect you to get scared that easily."  
  
"W-What the hell do you want?" I stutter, still confounded by her sudden appearance.  
  
"I'm Momo Hirai! Second violinist and co-vice president of the Juilliard's Pop Orchestra with Jihyo!" the taller girl exclaimed in her nasally voice, waving the flier in front of my face like a spazzing pidgeon, "We're in dire need of more woodwind players since most of them graduated last year. You don't even need to audition to join! Just walk into the Alice Tully Hall at ten o'clock anyday and let us know that you're willing to become a part of our magic. So will you be seeing us bas _soon_?"  
  
"No", I didn't even give her joke a second to sit as I tucked my sheet music in my music folder and walked away.  
  
"WAIT!" Momo started running towards me in those four-inch heels, "This is the perfect opportunity to add something to your resumé once you leave Juilliard!"  
  
Ugh. Do I really need to spell it out for her?  
  
I stopped in my steps to address her, "I said 'No'. N.O. I'm already a member of the Juilliard Orchestra and I'm taking nineteen credits this year. I don't have time to dilly dally and play showtunes and movie soundtracks and pop music with you guys. And plus, my resumé is already stellar. I don't need to be in another ensemble to raise my credibility as a performer."  
  
That's right, Mina. Don't make that mistake of joining as many bands as possible just like you did in high school.  
  
"But we don't have a bassoon player!"  
  
"Go find another bassoonist!" I retorted, proceeding to walk even farther from Momo, "I don't even like pop music!"  
  
The violinist was seriously trying hard to make a scene in front of other passerbys, "The other bassoon majors don't even want to join us!"  
  
"And neither do I!" my tiny voice could only shout as loud as possible, "Now leave me alone!"

* * *

**The Sixteenth Measure**

That night at Juillard Orchestra Rehearsals, Alan Gilbert arranged for all of the orchestra members to sit in the audience seats as today would be the day that potential applicants would audition for vacant positions in our ensemble. Maestro Gilbert would carry out the auditioning procedure in the same fashion that most European orchestras, notably the Berlin Philharmonic, would recruit new members. Instead of calling in a panel of judges to evaluate the audition candidates, the entire orchestra would act as the judges themselves, each member granted the power to vote either "yes" or "no".  Yes, this seems brutal at first glance. But in all honesty, it's not that different from performing orchestral solos within the orchestra, surrounded by your colleagues, especially of those who play the same instrument. In some cases, the conductor may invite a musician on their own accord if they see potential in that musician, without the consent of the other members in the orchestra. However, this action is rare.  
  
I watched the audition process take place as each candidate trickled out of the stage one by one, numbers decreasing by the minute. As principal bassoonist, I especially paid close attention to those who would be auditioning for third chair bassoon next to Minggyu. By far, I've voted "no" more times than I voted "yes". These kids would be better off playing for the Pops Orchestra because in my eyes, none of them have practiced hard enough to take this audition seriously. In fact, I had to dig through my music folder for the score to _Bolero_ because one female audtionee couldn't even play the bassoon part by memory. On the application form, her name was spelled as "SinB", which I found preposterous because 1) she did not give me her legal name and 2) I would never address my section mates by a designated nickname. She did not get my vote.   
  
Once Jeon Somi, now a Juilliard freshman, skipped up to the stage with a wide smile and a newly-bought clarinet in her fingertips, Karen Fujii is squirming in her seat with joy at the sight of seeing her music theory mentee perform brilliantly. By far, Somi is the only one out of fifteen candidates that has been accepted a position in the Juilliard Orchestra: Fourth chair clarinet.   
  
The last audtionee for the day was a tiny girl with a bob cut and fists that could choke a white-tailed deer. Sitting in the back row, I could hear the percussion section laughing their asses off and pointing fingers at the small girl. The chorus of laughters from the orchestra only escalated. Reina was laughing to the point where she was in tears, slamming her face into Yuzuna's sleeve. And then I realized:  
  
This girl wasn't wearing any shoes.  
  
No shoes, no socks — just her bare feet. Yet she continued to smile as she approached a variety of auxillary instruments, from the tambourine to the cymbals, and then the snare drum and the bass drum on the center stage. In my opinion, she wasn't that bad. But then again, I'm not a percussionist so I can't differentiate between what sounds "good" and what sounds "bad". Himchan, the principal percussionist of the orchestra, snickered loudly when she advanced towards the marimba and played an excerpt to Keiko Abe's _[Dream of the Cherry Blossoms](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEcn35UOYWA)_. It was more of a nightmare as discordant notes sang throughout every corner of the Alice Tully Hall.  
  
Reina Washio is usually such a serious person. Even when she felt happy her face was frozen in a stale timeframe, sunken into the kind of grimness your average person would have prior to a job interview. But when something tickled her as funny she howled, she slapped her hand up and down almost involuntarily and could barely breath for laughing. Fat tears would roll down her newly pinked cheeks and it would be several minutes before it subsided. I couldn't help but laugh at this amusing scene, because nothing ever tickles Reina's funny bone.   
  
The percussionist's solo was interrupted by Alan Gilbert, who dismissed her from the stage as soon as the orchestra members resounded in a huge laughter. I could see the small girl's walls tumbling down, brick by brick. She was on the verge of bursting into tears.

* * *

**The Seventeenth Measure**

Chaekyung and I returned to the dorm a little after 9 o'clock, exhausted from today's rehearsals because we had to sit in on auditions for two hours, and then practicing _The Rite of Spring_ for the remaining amount of time that we were allocated. That unreasonably high solo gave me a migraine for the entire duration of our rehearsal session because bassoonists never play in the extreme high range on a daily basis. It was like a challenge to see how much air I could expell from my lungs before they completely explode. I feel like my lips are going to fall off. I couldn't even talk to Chaekyung when we were walking back to the dormitories because my lips were that numb, and she's a horn player!  
  
Chaekyung informed me that Sana Minatozaki had rehearsals with the Pops Orchestra starting at 10 o'clock and that she won't get off until midnight. I couldn't even begin to comprehend how and why a bunch of lunatics would arrange their practices to be **that** late. No wonder they're not gaining any new members. Not everyone in Juilliard is nocturnal. No musician would want to go through the pain of sacrificing their sleep.  
  
Especially after playing the strangest, highest, and most terrifyingly  exposed bassoon solo in existence.  
  
I didn't bother taking a shower that night because of my throbbing headache, like a toothache in my brain. Tossing my leggings aside and pulling on a comfortable night shirt, I climbed to the top bunk and threw the blankets over my head as soon as I got in a comfortable position to rest.   
  
Nothing is going to disturb my beauty sleep tonight.  
  
"MYOUI MINA!"   
  
I take that back.  
  
I heard Sana storm into the room, the noise of her pounding footsteps resounding in my ears and causing an even greater headache than the one I had a few minutes ago, "I HEARD THAT YOU LAUGHED AT CHAEYOUNG DURING HER JUILLIARD ORCHESTRA AUDITION!"

_"Mina? The one who keeps crushing everyone’s dreams at every competition?"_

_"By the way, I’m Chaeyoung. Son Chaeyoung. I’ve become a big fan of you since you defeated me at the Young Artists Competition in New York and the World Festival for Young Artists Competition in Belgium. I hope you don’t think lowly of me"_

_"It’s a miracle how she got accepted to the Juilliard School, especially since she’s partially deaf and has to perform barefoot to feel the music better."_

Was that the girl who berated me at the Young Artists Competition in New York when I was in middle school? Was that the girl who asked for my autograph after my LaGuardia audition? Was that the girl that the librarian was talking about a while back? Was that the girl who was barefoot and gave a horrific performance? Was that Son Chaeyoung? I don't recall her having short hair when she asked for my autograph many years ago. It almost seemed as if she could hear perfectly fine back then too. I wonder what happened to Chaeyoung in order to bring her to this point.  
  
I wasn't even laughing at her; I was laughing at Reina. "Sana, hold up. This is all a misundersta—"  
  
"How could you?" her loud, high-pitched voice continues to pierce another needle into my skull, "Chaeyoung is my best friend! She was the one who introduced me to the others when I was a lonely member of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra! She's such a huge fan of yours!"  
  
"Mina, is that true?"Chaekyung questioned, sounding surprised. I removed the blanket from my head to get a better look at their expressions.  
  
And then I attempted to reconcile with the angry horn player, "You guys, listen to me. I wasn't laughing at Chae—"  
  
"That doesn't matter!" Sana cut me off, "She still believes that you were laughing at her!"  
  
"Shouldn't you be going off to practice with the Pops Orchestra?" I reminded her, trying to avoid the subject.  
  
"Don't change the topic!" she pressed, "God, Mina. You changed a lot over the past few years since you started to hang out with your new group of your so-called "friends". Since when did you become such a bitch? Did winning competitions get over your fucking head or something? I can't..."   
  
Oh my god, shut up.  
  
I can't deal with this girl right now. She has worse listening skills than Son Chaeyoung, and that girl is deaf. Okay, scratch that last sentence. That was horrible of me to say, but I'm so frustrated with Sana right now because she's not even giving me a chance to make my case. The pain going on in my head was excruciating. Within a few seconds, I conked out while Sana was still lecturing me about how much I hurt her friend when in reality, I never meant to. I guess that I'll have to go and find Chaeyoung tomorrow morning so I can explain the whole situation to her. But right now, I need to get a good night's sleep because tomorrow, I'm going to spend hours running all over campus just to search for that girl.

* * *

**The Eighteenth Measure**

Friday: September 11, 2020  
  
I woke up early that morning, feeling like a ball of shit after Sana was furious with me last night.  
  
I felt like an even bigger ball of shit in my studio class because I was thinking about Chaeyoung for so long, that I forgot to soak my reeds in water before playing in front of eleven other bassoonists. And now my reeds are rock hard shit.  
  
I didn't eat lunch with Reina and the others today, as I was sulking in one of the practice rooms for hours on end because I could only think about how terribly I sounded in my studio class, and I'm supposed to be the Grammy-Award-Winning bassoonist there. Everyone expected me to do extremely well and I didn't deliver any results. I heard news from Shuuka and Karen that Somi would be replacing Nayeon as a member of our group. Although it regains our credibility as a six member group, I just remembered that Nayeon is also a member of the Pops Orchestra and probably hates my guts even more for what happened to Chaeyoung.  
  
I'm such a loser, aren't I?  
  
When Chaekyung and I entered the Alice Tully Hall for rehearsals that night, we noticed a mass of orchestra members have gathered in separate circles within their sections. Everyone was still gossiping about Chaeyoung and all the other failed auditionees, and at the same time congratulating Somi and this other freshman named Kyla Massie for getting accepted into the Juilliard Orchestra. Nevertheless, Chaekyung and I effortlessly made our way to our respective seats, avoiding the mass of musicians clogging up the string section. But before I even had a chance to assemble my bassoon, Kai, the concertmaster and now a graduate student at Juilliard, entered the auditorium with a content smile on his face, holding a slew of documents in his hands as he skipped up to the conductor's podium to give the announcements.  
  
"I have a lot of good news regarding the opening night for our 2020/2021 concert season", he said, eyeing every person standing the stage, "Maestro Alan Gilbert has decided to add yet another piece to our program for our first concert of the season."  
  
All around the room, the orchestra members burst into a cacophony of groans.  
  
Kai clears his throat and continues sharing the Maestro's updates, "In addition to Stravinsky's _The Rite of Spring_ and Strauss's _Ein Heldenleben_ , Maestro would also like to add a concerto to highlight the talents of one of our most reveled members in the orchestra. Due to high demand by the student body and the outside masses, this Grammy award-winning girl will be performing a solo in the second half of our concert."  
  
Ah, shit.  
  
The moment Kai mentioned "a Grammy award-winning girl", I knew it would be me. There's no one else holding a Grammy award in this room.  
  
"Let's give a round of applause to Mina!" Kai applauds as my name has been announced. Everyone's gaze falls upon me like daggers in my skin.  
  
"Y-yay?" my wary voice quivered upon the calling of my name. I wasn't even in the mood to rejoice.  
  
"Indeed", Maestro Gilbert nodded, just arriving to the scene, "I have not decided on Mina's piece yet, so I'm leaving it up to the members and to discuss it. I expect no fighting among each other, please try to be logical and reasonable with your choice. As of now, we need to make sure that Mina shines on opening night. We only have couple of days before we open our 2020/2021 concert season. If we can't make a big impact to the audience members, we'll lose our reputation as one of the best ensembles in the Juilliard School, so please be wise with your decision."  
  
"Everyone except our chosen soloist will decide on her piece", Kai added, "Now that the news are given, let's all warm up for _Ein Heldenleben_."  
  
Are you kidding me? Not only do I have to play that stupidly high solo in _Rite of Spring_ , but I'm not even allowed to choose my own solo for the concert? How much more screwed can I get in one day, let alone the first week of my third year at Juilliard?

* * *

**The Nineteenth Measure**

On the elevator heading up to our floor, Chaekyung pinpointed the essence of EDM with her ears. She was right, and the beats were only becoming louder and louder as we advanced further up towards the twenty-fifth floor of the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall. I internally groan as I know that I'm going to have to endure another night with a throbbing headache. The elevator stops at the eleventh floor and the doors slide open to reveal Momo Hirai's daunting face and her big eyes peering into my skull.  
  
"Minaaaarrr! You're here!" she exclaims with a mouthful of food. And then I feel her hand gripping my wrist as she pulls me outside.  
  
"Momo! WAIT—"  
  
She drags me out of the elevator and into the eleventh floor lounge, with a disco ball dangling from the ceiling and with walls strewn with white LED lights. The bass emulating from the speakers was booming as loud as thunder; it made the solo cups and the punch bowl on the tabletops rattle. Neon lights flashed everywhere like police sirens, giving me an even bigger headache. Nothing made sense and my eyes and ears were about to explode. I should be used to loud noises since I sit in front of the trombonists at every rehearsal, but this level of deafness was different. The same ringing sensation in my ears continued and it was irritating the hell out of me. I wanted to escape but I end up lost in a sea of people.  
  
"WHAT'S GOING ON?" I asked Momo. I have a naturally soft voice and shouting over a myriad of sounds would make my lungs feel like mush.  
  
"The Pops Orchestra is having their welcome party! This is how we get new members to mingle!" Momo replied in a funny voice, snatching a solo cup filled with what she calls 'Jihyo's Hard Lemonade'. And then she grabs another cup off the counter and offers it to me. "Here, want a drink?"  
  
The contents within the cup looked nothing like lemonade. The liquid was a lot paler and more opaque.  
  
"What's in this thing?" I asked skeptically.  
  
Momo shrugged, fingers sliding on the condensation of her cup, "Oh, y'know. Just the basic ingredients for a bomb-ass hard lemonade — water, sugar, lemon juice, lime juice, lemon slices, lime slices, ice cubes, and vodka. Ah yeah, a shit ton of vanilla-infused vodka. Jeongyeon and Nayeon can chug down the entire punch bowl and _still_ be considered sober."  
  
I raised an eyebrow at her, "Aren't you aware that there are minors attending this school?"  
  
"HA HA HA HA!" The taller girl didn't even bat a single eyelid, "Oh, Mina. Nobody is going to find out as long as we keep it at a low down."  
  
I had to roll my eyes at that statement. As if blasting EDM throughout the entire dormitory would keep things at a low-down. By the way, I wonder where Chaekyung is. I haven't seen her since Momo pulled me into this mess, and I need to find her because she has the key to our room.  
  
As soon as I abandoned Momo at the drinking station, the crowd moved in one direction like a multi-headed beast with one brain. A speech boomed over the musicians, the presenter having a strident timbre of the voice that could overpower a cacophony of applause and cheering. It turned out to be Jeongyeon, the Pops Orchestra's president and timpanist with a disheveled, brown pixie-cut. She stood on top of a table as to make her presence known, holding a megaphone in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. Dahyun and Jihyo were sitting below her on reclining chairs, collecting bets from the party guests and stuffing the cash into a sombrero owned by one of the Pops Orchestra members.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" I questioned one of the party-goers.  
  
"Chaekyung and Nayeon are about to play a musical drinking game", she answered, pulling out a cigarette from her purse, "Want a joint?"  
  
I pushed her hand away from my face, "I don't smoke."  
  
"Oh! You're that famous bassoon player! That makes sense why you can't smoke", her glowing eyes lit up in realization, "My name is Tzuyu. I'm the secretary and second cellist of the Pops Orchestra. Your name is Mina, right? Mina Myoui?"  
  
"Uh-huh", I nodded.  
  
_Wait. Did she just say Chaekyung?_  
  
That's where that bitch was. I'm not surprised that Chaekyung would end up intermingling with random people, given her popularity and outgoing personality. I see her and Nayeon standing in the center of the lounge, instruments at their grasp, eyes locked down at one another.  
  
Oh, so I have to wait for Chaekyung to finish playing this dumb game before I could even snatch the room key from her?  
  
Chaekyung's French horn is newly-polished and glistening — a far cry from Yuta Nakamoto's dented, scraped embarrassment. One could see their own reflection through the sleek, brass coating of that instrument. On the other hand, Im Nayeon is assembling her Bb soprano clarinet — a masterpiece made of African blackwood and plated with golden keys. I'm thinking that Nayeon has either decided to do something different or that she has given up on the bass clarinet for good, because I haven't seen that girl touch her original clarinet in years.   
  
I hope that Nayeon doesn't notice me.  
  
I turned to the cellist, "Can you explain this drinking game to me? How long does it last?"  
  
Tzuyu set her cigarette down and made eye contact with me, "It's simple. You roll one or two dices to determine how many shots of vodka you have to consume. After that, you have sight read a random piece while you're drunk. The game ends once somebody fucks up while performing."  
  
Amazing horn-playing skills and a high alcohol tolerance? Chaekyung is going to murder Nayeon.  
  
And I was right. It only took Nayeon about four shots for her to become tipsy, and this is all after she and Chaekyung had gone through two rounds. Her clarinet squeaked while she was sightreading an excerpt from Weber's _Clarinet Concerto_. Chaekyung had already gulped down twelve shots of vodka and she's still playing the low horn solo from Beethoven's Ninth in tip-top shape, paying close attention to the timing and the dynamics. Jeongyeon ended the drinking game there and awarded Chaekyung with some of the money collected from bets. Jihyo had to escort Nayeon to the nearest bathroom so that she could drive the porcelain bus (In other words, vomit).  
  
After Jeongyeon had given Chaekyung the prize money, I tapped her shoulder, "Hey! Can I have the room ke—"  
  
"Oh hey, Mina!" she noticed, and then all eyes in the room turned on me.  
  
Goddammit Chaekyung.  
  
"WOAH!" Dahyun exclaimed, tiptoeing on her chair to get a better view, "It really is Mina! The bassoon queen!"  
  
"I want to hear Mina play!" Jihyo's eyes flash with recognition when she sees my figure standing under the disco ball.  
  
_Ugh._  
  
"I-I'm sorry guys but I need to get back to my roo— OW!", I tried to come up with an excuse to leave, but then I found my body slammed down against the carpeted floor and I can barely breathe. It's almost as if someone had dropped a rock on my torso. I feel paralyzed and I can't move.  
  
"Ha ha! Not so fast, bassoon-chan!" After I flinch, I open my eyes to see Jeongyeon pinning my thighs down with her knees, arms outstretched so that her hands are wrapped around my shoulders. She greets me with this disarming smile that could radiate off some sort of chic lesbian.   
  
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed at her, squirming to escape her grasp, "GET OFF OF ME!"  
  
"Not after what you did to one of our members", she sneers, smacking her red lips.   
  
What the hell is she talking about?  
  
"I'M GOING TO REPORT Y—"  
  
"Who wants to compete against Mina?" Jeongyeon shouts to the crowd, pinching my lips with her fingers so I couldn't speak. Nobody in the room said a single word. You could literally hear a pindrop. Hah, I knew it. They're too scared to go against me because of how awesome I am.  
  
"I do", Sana suddenly emerges from the crowd and stands over me and Jeongyeon. Dahyun absentmindedly allows her cup of hard lemonade to slip from her hand and the glass shatters on the floor. Tzuyu spits out her cigarette in amazement as well.  
  
Once Jeongyeon has no control of me, I shove her aside and get up on my own feet, "And what if I say 'no'?"  
  
"Oh no, is my wittle duck scared of me?" The blonde horn player coos with that disgusting nickname and the whole room is hollering at me.  
  
My head falls back in laughter, "Hah! Scared of you? I have more first place trophies than you have friends."  
  
The room went wild.   
  
"OH SHIT! DO WE NEED SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN?" Jackson Wang shouts amidst a wave of laughter, but Sana's facial expression doesn't change.  
  
In fact, Sana's sweet smile is starting to reek of poison, "Then prove it."   
  
With all the bad things that happened earlier, my competitive side switched on. I need to redeem myself by taking down Sana Minatozaki. I withdraw my instrument case from my back and begin setting up my bassoon, quickly yet carefully. Sana leaves the lounge to fetch her horn.   
  
As I'm warming up by playing scales, I think of all the things that went wrong within one day. First Sana got mad at me, then the _Rite of Spring_ , I screwed up in my studio class, then Reina and the others are wondering where the hell I've been when I could've been eating lunch with them, then I'm assigned a solo that I don't even get to choose, and then I have to apologize to Chaeyoung for laughing at her when I was laughing at Rei—  
  
Oh my god.  
  
I forgot to look for Chaeyoung.  
  
That's what Jeongyeon was talking about.  
  
Now Sana isn't going to forgive for being a bad friend. She's not going to give me a second chance to rebuild myself and now I'm going to have to deal with a roommate who's going to hate me for the rest of my Juilliard career. I try to focus on my own playing again when I see spit threatening to fall out of my reed. I end up choking on my own saliva as soon as I stick the reed in my mouth to suck on it.  
  
Now that I think about it, I've never heard Sana's horn playing before.  
  
Chaekyung leans over and whispers in my ear, "I heard rumors from my colleagues that Yoona gave Sana her horn."

Yoona giving Sana her horn? That's like someone handing over their highly protected virginity. A couple of minutes later, Sana exits the elevator and returns to the lounge with her instrument. I watched closely as she unveils her horn from its case and—  
  
Chaekyung wasn't kidding. Sana pulls out the most beautiful French horn I've ever seen. It's a gold-plated Alexander 103 — the model that the entire horn section of the Berlin Philharmonic uses. Not only that, but it's custom-made and it has those fancy leafy patterns and the name of Yoona's late mother inscribed on the bell. If that's how it looks, I wonder what it sounds like. I had a vision of Sana handing over her bank account and her car keys to Yoona in exchange for that instrument, but then I just remembered: Sana can't drive to save her life and Yoona is dead.  
  
"Let's make things a little more interesting", Jeongyeon announces through the megaphone, "Instead of awarding prize money, how about we have the winner decides what they want to do with their losing opponent."  
  
"Fine with me", I shrugged, holding my reed in my mouth, "If I win then you need to take down all of those posters in our dorm room."  
  
"And if I win then you have to join the Pops Orchestra", Sana declares, still polishing the third-valve slide on the B-flat side of her horn.  
  
I spit out my reed, "WHAT THE HELL? NO!"  
  
"Hey! You owe me for not apologizing to Chaeyoung today", her reminding me about Chaeyoung made me feel like an even bigger piece of crap. I took in a deep breath, hoping that somehow Sana magically screws up while intoxicated, like placing her mouthpiece too far off-center so that different notes come out. Either that or she'll push in her slides in too far or too little and that her notes will come out as either sharp or flat.  
  
She didn't do any of those things.  
  
The drinking game begins and Jeongyeon rolls two dices to determine how many shots of Vodka I would have to consume. The number "three" comes up on one dice and then the number "six" comes up on another die. Nine shots? Are you kidding me?  
  
"You can do it Mina!" I hear Chaekyung cheering me on from behind. I wanted to stick my fist far up her ass like how she sticks her hand up the bell of her horn. It's her fault that I got pulled into this mess. If I lose, then I'll become a member of the Pops Orchestra.  
  
I pull out a random score from a pile of sheet music containing bassoon repetoire. All I'm thinking in my head is how the hell these lunatics managed to get away with photocopying a bunch of pieces designed for each specific instrument. Not only is this act considered disrespectful to the publisher/composer/arranger, it's illegal. I could snitch on them but then I realized that Sana is going to hate me for the rest of my life because I didn't do this challenge. And it's all because she guilt-tripped me into thinking that I owe Chaeyoung something when I don't owe her anything.  
  
Goddammit Sana.  
  
Once I consume my nine shots of Vodka, I stare at the title of the piece that I have to sight-read:  
  
[_Romance for Bassoon and Orchestra, Op. 62_ by Edward Elgar.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M18dApHK5Go)  
  
I'm inwardly smiling to myself. Edward Elgar is my favorite composer and the _Romance_ is one of my favorite pieces of all bassoon repetoire. Although this piece is short in length, it's a breathtakingly beautiful piece wherein Elgar portrays the bassoon as a vocalist rather than just some dumb, farting bedpost. In middle school, one of my uncultured classmates mistook my bassoon as some tobacco-smoking device. So then the headmaster ordered me to play my bassoon in front of the entire faculty just to prove that my instrument wasn't some sort of flamboyant bong. I played this piece and I managed to move most of my teachers to tears.  
  
Thankfully, I'm not drunk yet. I sling on the neckstrap, position the reed to my lips, and begin playing. My fingers automatically roll over the keys without thinking. I just adore how my breath translates into warm, songlike notes that sing from my bassoon. I know the _Romance_ by memory, and it doesn't even feel like I'm sightreading anymore. Heck, I can play this piece in my sleep.  
  
"Alright, Mina. That was beautiful!" Jeongyeon declares and the room is filled with applause.  
  
"Top that, Minatozaki", Jackson teases the blonde girl, but Sana isn't fazed at all. She picks a piece from a pile of horn repetoire and rolls the dice. One dice has the number "one" on it. She rolls again and the second die has the number "one" on it as well.  
  
_Fucking hell._  
  
"Two shots, yeah!" Sana rejoices, handing over a shotglass to Momo as she does the honors of being "The Drink Dispenser".  
  
After gulping down her two shots of Vodka, Sana inhales a ton of air into her system and brings the horn to her lips. Immediately, I recognize the piece that she is playing — an excerpt from [Strauss's Ein Heldenleben](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD-kdL7IWi0) (A Hero's Life), from the end of the sixth movement with the dialogue between the violin and the horn. Not only that, but it's the same piece that we're supposed to play for opening night, and to see that Sana is playing it is even more intriguing. I don't want to admit it, but I have to the urge to say it.  
  
Sana's tone is gorgeous.  
  
Her portrayal of the hero in this tone poem is phenomenal. She plays with this fiery passion yet also with the astounding grace of an angel. And when she ascends towards the high E Natural, my heart melts like butter. I'm floored by how she could surpass the brash, vehement blow of a brass instrument and transform it into a heavenly, serene thread of sound. Dare I say it, but she may be even better than Chaekyung and Yoona.  
  
Three rounds in and the two of us are still on even ends. At this rate, Sana and I are playing against each other in a "shoot-out" style, kind of like a game of Russian Roulette. Eventually, the alcohol is going to get to one of us and will cause us to screw up in our sightreading.  
  
Either Sana is a seriously talented horn player or I'm just heavily intoxicated.  
  
It is my turn and Jihyo hands me the pile of bassoon repetoire to pick from. I open my eyes and glare at the title:  
  
_The Rite of Spring_ by Igor Stravinsky,  
  
I want to stab myself.  
  
I'm so sick of _The Rite_. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've locked myself in a practice room just to squeak out a high C. My head is screaming at me to stop, but my mind tells me that I must persevere or else I'll get stuck with these idiots and be humiliated by the members of the Juilliard Orchestra. I don't want to take on more ensembles like I did in high school. And plus, I hate popular music.  
  
Jihyo hands me a dice to roll over. I roll one and I get a "six". I'm praying that I don't get another "six" because I've already had sixteen shots of Vodka. I groan as I realize that I can't take sweet, vanilla-y taste of Vodka anymore. I take the other dice in my hand and roll again.  
  
And what do I get? A six.  
  
"That's twelve shots, Mina", Sana tantalizes, still looking as sober as before.  
  
"Twelve shots and the notorious _Rite_ ", Jeongyeon repeats.  
  
"I can do math, you fucktards", I scoff, swallowing the lump in my throat before Momo hands me the shotglass refilled with Jeongyeon's infamous Vodka. After the seventh shot, I start to get this piercing noise in my ears. I don't know if it's because I've had too many shots, but it's annoying as hell. I've had instances where I lose my hearing temporarily, but I thought that was because I sit in front of the trombone section.  
  
After the twelfth shot, my hands start shaking and I'm afraid that my bassoon is going to escape my grip. I try to tighten the neck strap and bring the reed to my mouth again. Once I begin, the rest of the noise cancels out in the crowded room and I can't even hear my own playing. I can't tell whether my bassoon is in proper pitch because I feel like someone had stuffed cotton in my ears.  
  
Once I regain some of my hearing, I scramble to recover because I can't tell where I left off. And then all of a sudden...  
  
_*SQUEAK*_  
  
I screw up.  
  
"And the winner is Sana Minatozaki! Congratulations!" Jeongyeon discloses, and the rest of the Pops Orchestra members rejoice as they now know that they've attained a new bassoonist.  
  
And that new bassoonist happens to be me.  
  
I guess this is what I get for not talking to Chaeyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sight Read - Sight-reading, also called a prima vista (Italian meaning "at first sight"), is the reading and performing of a piece of music or song in music notation that the performer has not seen before. Sight-singing is used to describe a singer who is sight-reading. Both activities require the musician to play or sing the notated rhythms and pitches.
> 
> Slides - A slide is a part of a wind instrument consisting of two (or more) pieces of tubing fitted one closely inside the other, and used to vary the overall length of the tube, and therefore the pitch of the instrument. In instruments such as the french horn, there are many slides used to tune the instrument, sometimes even during practice. In instruments such as the trombone and slide whistle, moving the slide is the main way of selecting the note while playing.
> 
> Dynamics - In music, dynamics are instructions in musical notation to the performer about hearing the loudness of a note or phrase. More generally, dynamics may also include other aspects of the execution of a given piece.
> 
> Mouthpiece - The mouthpiece of a woodwind instrument is that part of the instrument which is placed partly in the player's mouth. On brass instruments the mouthpiece is the part of the instrument placed on the player's lips. The mouthpiece is a simple circular opening that leads, via a semi-spherical or conical cavity, to the main body of the instrument. Mouthpieces vary to suit the tone of the instrument. Lower instruments also have larger mouthpieces, to maximize resonance (see pitch of brass instruments). Also, mouthpieces are selected to suit the embouchure of the player, to produce a certain timbre, or to optimize the instrument for certain playing styles. For example, trumpet and trombone mouthpieces are usually semi-spherical whereas French horn mouthpieces are conical.
> 
> Sharp - In music, sharp means higher in pitch. More specifically, in musical notation, sharp means "higher in pitch by a semitone (half step)," and has an associated sharp symbol, ♯, which may be found in key signatures or as an accidental.
> 
> Flat - In music, flat means "lower in pitch". In music notation, the flat symbol, ♭ derived from a stylised lowercase "b", lowers a note by a half step (semitone). Intonation or tuning is said to be flat when it is below the true pitch.
> 
> Movement - A movement is a self-contained part of a musical composition or musical form. While individual or selected movements from a composition are sometimes performed separately, a performance of the complete work requires all the movements to be performed in succession.


	5. dissonance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, bolded fonts will be used when Chaeyoung and Mina are using unspoken communication.
> 
> I'm aware that there's no In-N-Out in NYC (yet). I just have an affinity for In-N-Out

_dissonance_  
Origin: late Middle English: from Old French, from late Latin  _dissonantia_ , from Latin  _dissonant-_  ‘not agreeing in sound,’ from the verb  _dissonare_    
Harsh, discordant, and lack of harmony. Also a chord that sounds incomplete until it resolves itself on a harmonious chord.

* * *

**The Twentieth Measure**

Saturday: September 12, 2020  
  
My eyes open to reveal a dimly-lit room, though it is supposed to be daytime as nobody has opened the curtains. I can't clearly remember what happened last night, but my eyes scan my current location — solo cups littered on the floor, white LED lights that died overnight, the pungent smell of alcohol and marajuana. Oh my god. I'm still in the eleventh floor lounge. My body instinctively jolts up from the blue couch and I try to get up on my feet. _Damn, what the hell was I doing last night?_  
  
"OUCH!"  
  
"What the—" My foot retracts as soon as it comes into contact with somebody's abs.  
  
It was Jihyo, her messy bangs obscuring her eyes. In one hand she's holding an unfinished chicken wing from the mini buffet and in the other hand, Jeongyeon's empty bottle of Vodka from hell. Her crop top is pulled up to the point where her under-boobs could be potentially exposed.  
  
_Oh my gosh, I stepped on Jihyo. Gross._  
  
I looked around and Jihyo wasn't the only one sleeping on the floor. A few of the other party guests were scattered all over the lounge, dry mouths sticky with thick saliva from all that hard alcohol. I rub my temples and the aching in my skull ebbs and flows like a cold tide. I feel as if the blackest of clouds are looming over my head with no intention of leaving any time soon. I whip my phone out from my cardigan pocket to check the time:  
  
**12:00 p.m.**  
  
Oh dear god. I have Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals in thirty minutes. I don't even have time to eat lunch and put on my makeup.  
  
On weekends, Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals typically last for a longer duration of time because class isn't in session. Especially since opening night is nearing, Maestro Gilbert is going to take rehearsals very seriously. Dammit. I'm screwed because I have a massive headache and we're supposed to be rehearsing our entire program, including _The Rite_ and my solo, whatever the hell it turns out to be.  
  
_Now, where is my bassoon?_  
  
My eyes trace the room, searching for my instrument. I have no idea how and why it is not in my hands anymore. I hope that it's not stolen because my dad would kill me if I had lost his seventy-five thousand dollar bassoon. The next thing I knew, I was stepping over party guests in search for my bassoon. I see that my case is still unopened and untouched, but who would want my bassoon?  
  
"Mmmmm... I love you Jeongyeon. You bang in bed harder than you bang your timpani", I hear Momo murmur in her sleep, kissing and snuggling this long wooden stick with keys all over the place and—  
  
Oh hell no.  
  
That's not Jeongyeon.  
  
That's my bassoon.  
  
Momo is sleeping with my bassoon.  
  
And she's having a sexy dream too.  
  
"MOMO! WHAT THE FUCK?" I tried slapping her awake so that she would let go of my bassoon. But it's no use. This girl is just as much of a heavy sleeper (and dreamer) as Sana. Her legs are wrapped around the boot joint and she's nuzzling the bell of my bassoon as if it were Jeongyeon's face.  
   
"Noooooooo! Jeongyeon, don't leave me!" She wails as I yank my instrument away from her grasp.  
  
I need to get out of here before I get in deep trouble. I dismantle my bassoon and hurriedly set away each separate joint in my case. I still smell like Vodka and I need to look for a change of clothes so that I don't stink up the rehearsal area. I see that Chaekyung has forgotten her long, red trenchcoat before she left the lounge for her cardio dance class this morning, so I strip off the cardigan that I wore last night and snag her coat from the rack. I'll just explain to her at rehearsals that I intended to borrow the trenchcoat from her.

* * *

**The Twenty-First Measure**

"Wow. Mina has a bed head today? That's new", Vernon, the fourth chair bassoonist, comments on my unkempt, wine-colored hair that I carelessly tied up into a messy bun while I was running from the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall to the Alice Tully Hall.  
  
"What? Mina's not wearing any makeup today too? That's also new", Joshua, the third chair bassoonist, teases me as I pull my reed out of my reed water.  
  
"Oh, shut up you two!" I grumble, holding the reed with my mouth, "I have a hangover and I'm not proud of it."  
  
I'm not proud that Sana has become a brilliant horn player as well.  
  
"Is that why your bassoon smells like Vodka?" Minggyu points out and Joshua, Vernon, and contrabassoonist Jun start laughing at me.  
  
_Ah, crap._  
  
I knew that something was wrong when I stuck that reed in my mouth. Not only does my bassoon reek of alcohol, but so does my reed water and my spare reeds. Just when I pull out my cork wax and apply it to the bell, Maestro Gilbert slams opens the double doors to the auditorium of the Alice Tully Hall, trudging his way up to the podium with a stack of papers in his hands.  
  
"Listen up, folks! I have three important announcements to make. First things first, I've decided on Mina's solo. Kai, do me the honors", Maestro Gilbert hands the concertmaster a laminated copy of the yearly bulletin.  
  
Oh great, here we go.  
  
"Mina's solo..." Kai seems uneasy as his eyes run across the bulletin several times, "Well... it's Jolivet."  
  
_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_  
  
I'm screaming in my head. I've played Jolivet's _Bassoon Concerto_  for the 2015 Young Artist Bassoon Competition in Tokyo, and it is a pain in the ass. I was only fifteen years-old when I played this piece, but other kids my age couldn't even play a complete concerto without running out of breath. This was because during the summer, my parents would pull me out of bed at 6:00 a.m. and force me to practice scales, arpeggios, and other complex bassoon etudes for thirteen hours a day just so I could play this concerto. I had small hands at the time and I needed my fingers to be trained so that I could build up the agility to play fast passages and muster up the strength to hold up a heavy bassoon.  
  
I still have nightmares about Jolivet, even up to this day.  
  
Although the piece is only thirteen minutes long, it is considered one of the most difficult concertos in bassoon repetoire — a "delight for virtuosos". It requires the highest musicality and expressive phrasing, precise articulation, fluency in intonation, and an extremely wide range. It is _The Rite of Spring_ times ten. After performing the highly technical Jolivet, I could play almost anything.   
  
"And for that, I'm taking out  _The Rite_ from our program", Maestro Gilbert added. Sighs of relief went all around the auditorium.   
  
But now I'd rather play  _The Rite._  
  
"On another note", Kai continued, "The Juilliard Orchestra's entire concert season will be viewed nationally by the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) and internationally by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), in which every performance will be broadcasted live for other people to watch. The goal of doing this is to attract viewers' attention to classical music as well as satisfy those who enjoy the art itself. Our orchestra, among several other ensembles worldwide, have been chosen to participate in this joint project by the two companies."  
  
Now my face is going to be on live television. I've been on live television before because of the Last Night of the Proms and the Grammy Awards, but there's something unsettling about having cameras monitoring your every move, especially if the entire world is going to be watching.   
  
"Thank you, Kai. Everyone, take his word for it. This opportunity will not be taken very lightly so I expect each person to squeeze out every bit of effort into rehearsals and performances alike", Maestro Gilbert said before having the concertmaster return to his seat, "Now, I have one last announcement to make. I've decided to add another new member to our renowned ensemble."  
  
I'm still half-asleep because of my hangover, but I can hear people chuckling behind me. Himchan's laugh was the most obvious — his gales, his chortles, his giggles were enough for me to identify the joshing percussionist. Eventually, the communal amusement. became more than just Himchan's guffaw. Each and every member around me gave a wry laugh at the sight of our newest member.  
  
Ah, it's Chaeyoung. I could tell because of her short stature and short hair.  
  
"Introduce yourself", Maestro Gilbert patted the girl on the back. Chaeyoung exhaled, revealing a large sketchbook from her shoulder bag. She opened the sketchbook to one of the pages with her handwriting scribbled with a dark, green Sharpie marker.

**Hello. My name is Son Chaeyoung**

She flipped to the next page.

**I use this notebook to communicate with other people.**

And then another page.

**I hope that we can all be friends.**

Her facial expression grew more solemn.

**I'm completely deaf.**

Oh my god. Now all of her hearing is gone. I remember her mother mentioning that she was only partially deaf when I visited her in the library. Now she has to resort to using a sketchpad to communicate with others. I don't even know what to say.  
  
And then Chaeyoung's eyes focus on me, frowning.

* * *

**The Twenty-Second Measure**

Sunday: September 13, 2020 — Saturday: September 26, 2020  
  
I still didn't get to talk to Chaeyoung, just because I was all caught up with my "precious solo" for opening night.  
  
For the past few weeks, nobody in the Juilliard Orchestra has given a single thought about Chaeyoung's condition. In fact, it was because of Chaeyoung that Maestro Gilbert had to push back opening night to the end of the month. Rehearsals have gotten slower and more tedious for the musicians of The Juilliard Orchestra because they have other worries on their plate, including me.  
  
Chaeyoung was a disturber of peace to our orchestra; she dragged everybody else down with her. Whenever she raised her hand to ask a question through her sketchpad, the rehearsal session had to be put on a halt just to accompany the deaf girl. She would have to ask her section mates to answer her inquiries by writing in her sketchpad. Countless times, her section mates would have to tune the drums and the mallet instruments for her because she was still getting adjusted to having a complete hearing loss.   
  
They called it "Chaeyoung time."   
  
Eventually, everybody grew sick of dealing with Chaeyoung and her section decided just to put her on auxillary percussion. She would make blatant mistakes, such as carrying out cymbal crashes at the wrong time, during rehearsals that would cause the whole percussion section to babysit her.   
  
And yet, Chaeyoung would still never approach me.

* * *

**The Twenty-Third Measure**

Sunday: September 27, 2020  
  
I caught up with my friends again after avoiding them for the past two weeks because of my concerto.   
  
All six of us met up at the library close to the Juilliard SAB Café — the same exact library where I had a panic attack. While me, Reina, Shuuka, and Yuzuna studied for our 20th Century Music History test in a couple of days, Karen Fujii was tutoring Somi in music theory.   
  
Well, at least we tried to study.  
  
Reina's boyfriend, Shori Satou, cockblocks our reviewing session by having his girlfriend sit criss-crossed on his lap, Reina rubbing his pant leg while Shori unfastens three boxes of different-flavored chicken wings from Wingstop — Garlic Parmesan, Hickory Smoked Barbecue, and Lemon Pepper — in the middle of our table. The next thing I knew, hands from all directions start flying over our notes and textbooks in pursuit of some juicy, tender wings. I look back at my textbook and Shuuka has dripping grease from her chicken wing painted all over Shostakovich's face.  
  
"Sorry, Mina!" She apologizes with her mouth full of food.  
  
"Hey guys, can we get back to studying?" I asked.  
  
"Alright then", Reina says almost snappily, "Then which one of Stravinsky's ballets caused a huge riot?"  
  
"The _Rite_ ", I answer. _Duh. Of course I'd know that._  
  
"You're right!" Shuuka attempts at a pun, but everyone else sitting at the table just glares at her. Somi was the only one who gave a positive reaction by giggling.  
  
Reina tries to recover herself from unease after I had guessed her question correctly, "Fine. How about this? Name five futurist composers."   
  
I give her ten, "Other than Stravinsky I'd say Honegger, Antheil, Mosolov, Ornstein, Varèse, Ravel, Prokofiev, Russolo, and Pratella."  
  
Reina's face sagged; she looked defeated.  
  
If there's one thing that Reina and I have in common, it's that we both hate losing, no matter how trivial it seems. I exhibited these kinds of thoughts after Sana had won that musical drinking game. And even though there were no grand prizes at the end, the fact that I was deemed as "the loser" made me feel like an utter failure. It's disconcerting for me to know that someone could be better than you at something, even if it's just by an inch. My dad would always say that, "it's more fun if you're winning."  
  
I'm starting to believe that Reina's easy-ass 20th Century Music History trivia is just a stupid gimmick to see whether I'd fail. Jokes on her, I actually study rather than copy notes off my friends and mosey around with another colleague during reviewing sessions. Eventually, I become tired of waiting for my friends to regain their focus. So I pull out the score to Jolivet's concerto and start taking notes as to where I should be taking breaths. Somehow, my mechanical pencil flies backwards as I'm twiddling with it in between my two fingers.  
  
And then I hit a person in the head.  
  
"I'm so sorry!" I say. The short-haired girl turns around and gawks at me with those huge eyes.  
  
Tt's Chaeyoung.  
  
I forgot that Chaeyoung's mother was a librarian.  
  
The small percussionist was assisting her mother in organizing books when my pencil strikes the back of her head. I realize that Chaeyoung has no idea what I'm saying so my eyes wander around her figure, searching for the sketchpad that she uses to communicate. She doesn't have it.  
  
Just before Chaeyoung attempts to run away, I grab her arm and pull her behind one of the bookshelves, away from the sight of my friends. Her arm flounders around as she tries to release from my grasp. I take out my phone from my coat pocket, tap on the Notepad application with my thumb, and text one-handedly in an attempt to communicate with her.

_**Hey, I'm sorry.** _

Chaeyoung's head cocks to the right. I let go of her arm so that I could type with both thumbs.

_**I didn't mean to laugh at your audition. I was laughing at Reina, not you.** _

Chaeyoung grabs my phone so that she could type something.

**I forgive you, for now.**

For now? What does she mean by that?  
  
Chaeyoung hands back my phone and walks away from me, returning to her duties. But now I'm even more flustered than before. Does she still have a grudge on me from before? I need to talk to Sana and find out what the big deal is with Chaeyoung and why she still may not believe me.

* * *

**The Twenty-Fourth Measure**

Monday: September 28, 2020  
  
Time to see how these idiots function.  
  
At 10 p.m., I head over to the Alice Tully Hall because Jeongyeon had managed to book a rehearsal space for the Pops Orchestra there. I can't believe that it took the Pops Orchestra three weeks to hold their first official meeting. But I'm not upset because I had more time to brush up Jolivet's concerto for the Juilliard Orchestra's opening night, which is taking place in four days. I open the double doors to the auditorium and realize that I was the last person to show up. Everyone had already set up their instruments and started to mingle with others between sections. Before I could locate my seat, Jihyo summons me to the center of the stage.  
  
"AYYYYYEEE!" Momo squealed, running up to give me a tight hug. I could barely breathe as she proceeded to constrict my torso.  
  
"[Welcome to the club! Welcome to the club! Welcome Mina! Welcome Mina! Welcome Mina! Welcome Mina! Welcome Mina!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za2PJnCAkUA)" Jihyo sings behind the tall, golden-haired Japanese violinist, "You're probably seething of joy because you're here!"  
  
"Shut your damn piehole", I bickered, "I did not now, nor did I ever, wanted to become a member of your stupid club!"  
  
"You won't be saying that after being with us for a while!" Momo commended, "Just give it a chance!"  
  
"Everyone, listen up! I need everybody's attention!" Jeongyeon laps her hands in a rapid motion, her loud voice resounding over the loud chatter, "It is I, Jeongyeon — a Juilliard senior and the president of the Pops Orchestra. I'm here to gladly announce that we have a new addition to our family. Everybody, please welcome Mina Myoui a.k.a. bassoont-chan — our new principal bassoon. She's the same age as most of you, I reckon. Mina shows a great sense of leadership and authority due to her past contributions with many ensembles, but for some reason, she can seem too occupied and engaged in her work that she can be irritable at times. So don't be surprised if she snaps at you, she doesn't mean it."

I slapped Jeongyeon's hand so that she'd shut up, "Stop that, Jeongyeon! You're overselling me."   
  
"Just call me Madame President", Jeongyeon flattered herself.  
  
I raised an eyebrow, "Have you been assigned those titles by your conductor or did you guys just make it up?"  
  
"The Pops Orchestra isn't a school club", she clarified, "The other members just made up those names for me, Momo, Jihyo, Dahyun, and Tzuyu."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
The Pops Orchestra members — about ninety or so — leaped up from their chairs and hooted at me. I didn't know what kind of first impression I wanted to portray so I just shyed my face away from the members and waved, perhaps rather tiredly, at them. For some odd reason, a cluster of girls start screaming like a flock of banshees, holding up fansigns that have my name on it. _Oh, god._  
  
"Oh, don't mind them", Jihyo chuckled, "They're members of your fanclub."  
  
_I have a fanclub?_  
  
"Anyways!" Jeongyeon digressed, pointing at a skinny, light-haired man who is sitting at the far-right end of the second aisle of woodwinds, "You'll find yourself close to the Chinese-American contrabassoon player over there."  
  
"I'm Taiwanese!" Mark corrected, irratatingly.  
  
"Same thing!"  
  
"No it's not!" Mark was boiling up, "What if I called you a North Korean?"  
  
"Anyways, bassoon-chan. Go sit over there", Jeongyeon ignores Mark and directs me to my seat.   
  
I follow Jihyo's instructions and navigate to my principal seat. Where I sit in the Pops Orchestra does not differ greatly from where I sit with the Juilliard Orchestra. In fact, it's the exact same seat. The only difference is that Minggyu, Vernon, Joshua, and Jun are not there. Instead, I have Yerin in the second chair, Junior in the third chair, SinB in the fourth chair (Remember that girl I rejected at Juilliard Orchestra auditions? I don't even know her real name yet), and Mark in the fifth chair which a contrabassoon nestled in his hands. I know Mark, Junior, and Yerin because I had defeated them in past competitions and I had classes with them in my freshman year of college. However, I'm not familiar with SinB at all.  
  
And I can't stand even one minute with these morons.  
  
As I'm picking my way through the seats, the four bassoonists are chatting loudly about frivolous topics that I don't want to go into detail about (For starters, SinB is joking about Mark and Junior making messy cork wax in back of the storage room). I chose to ignore them and silently assemble my bassoon, but I didn't get far enough to soak my reed when my second chair, Yerin, slaps my ass and gives me that puppy-dog face.  
  
"Hey", she says, "Can I borrow a reed?"  
  
I roll my eyes.  _Are you kidding me?_  
  
Nonetheless, I take out my reed case from my bag and hand it over to her, "Here, take one."  
  
Yerin winks at me and then pulls out a few reeds like a kid at a candy store.  
  
"I SAID ONE, NOT FIVE!" I yell at her. Jesus Christ, those are all of my regular reeds too — the ones I use when I'm in rehearsals or if I decide to lock myself in a practice room for several hours. And now she has her greasy fingerprints on the tips where I place my lips. Bleh.  
  
"Ahem", Jeongyeon clears her throat to get our attention, "Now, Dahyun will present us with our program for the Pops Orchestra's opening night."  
  
"Aye aye, captain! I gotcha gurrllll", Kim Dahyun, the small secretary of the Pops Orchestra, leans her humorously gigantic double bass on her stool and skips her way to the center stage. She pulls out a piece of folded wide-ruled paper from her jacket pocket — a piece of paper that Jihyo must've scribbled on during our 20th Century Music History class (Yes, I have a class with Jihyo and that girl loves to zone out).   
  
Oh my god. What the hell is wrong with this girl? Why is she talking like that?  
  
"Good evening, folks!" Dahyun begins with this eerie, toothy smile of hers, "So as some of you may know, we're going to add one more piece to our opening night program alongside Dukas's _The Sorcerer's Apprentice_. Can you guys guess what piece that'll be?"  
  
"What? Justin Bieber? Miley Cyrus?" I inwardly scoffed.  
  
Dahyun snorted, "No, smartass.  _My Neighbor Totoro_."  
  
Shit.  
  
I love that movie.  
  
From my right ear, I could hear Sana snickering at me as Dahyun goes into detail about our announced piece.  
  
When I was in elementary school and when Sana used to live in New York, I used to leave my house and claim to my parents that I was going to school to practice. In reality, I just needed an excuse to sneak out of the house and hang out with her. Her two-bedroom house in Hell's Kitchen had a secret basement that could only be accessed via her bedroom. Like in Japan, Sana's room had tatami mats that could be rolled over and folded back again, but little did my parents know that you could lift one of the floorboards to access that secret basement. Once we were deemed undisclosed, Sana's mother would set up this high-quality film projector, in which we watched many films while eating her homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Among those movies that we watched was _My Neighbor Totoro_ , and it was the only movie that got me hooked up on other Studio Ghibli films. If you know me, I'm extremely picky when it comes to movies, especially those of the 'fantasy' genre. But _My Neighbor Totoro_ had a sense of realism invested into the characters while staying true to its fantastical nature. Miyazaki films are my weak spot; they reveal my touchy-feely side.  
  
Crap, I can't let my guard down. These nitwits cannot know that they've won by penetrating my hard skin.  
  
"Dahyun and Tzuyu are still working on acquiring the orchestral score to _My Neighbor Totoro_ ", Jeongyeon adds, "But for now, we'll just rehearse _The Sorcerer's Apprentice_ once maestro arrives. Jihyo, can you be in charge of tuning the orchestra while I pitch my timpani?"  
  
"Sure thing, No-Jam Hyung!" Jihyo quips and Jeongyeon looks like she's about to strangle her,  
  
Just before Jihyo was about to cue oboist Choi Youngjae to give the A, Chaeyoung abruptly runs into the auditorium with her sketchpad under her arm. Everyone sets down their instruments to acknowledge the second-year percussionist, who flips open a page of her sketchpad.

**Sorry for being late, everyone. I had to make up a sight-singing test for my aural skills class.**

Sana suddenly sprouts up from her seat and gestures Chaeyoung. The younger girl returns the favor by using hand signs. _Wait, Sana knows how to use sign language?_ That's a skill I've never heard of before. I feel defeated knowing that Sana is not only a freakishingly talented musician, but she's also capable of using American sign language. It makes me wish that my parents spoke Japanese at home more often, rather than just sending me to Japanese school on the weekends while I was younger. Even Sana can speak Japanese better than I do. Trust me, I've been to her household many times and she'd always use rapid-fire Japanese when communicating with her parents.   
  
I never thought that I'd hate losing so much.  
  
"Chaeyoung says that she will make up any lost time that she has caused to this ensemble", Sana translates to Jihyo.  
  
Jihyo shakes her head and smiles at the percussionist, "Tell Chaeyoung that she doesn't need to make up time and that we understand her situation."  
  
Sana turns back to Chaeyoung and gives her Jihyo's regard. Chaeyoung bows to Jihyo as a way of saying 'Thank you' and then she heads to the back of the stage, where the percussion section resides. If there is one thing that I've noticed in contrast to the Juilliard Orchestra, it is that everyone in the percussion section welcomes Chaeyoung with wide grins. Eric Nam, principal percussionist of the Pops Orchestra, gives the girl a warm hug. Bambam, another percussionist in the orchestra who is in charge of the drums, fist-bumps Chaeyoung and ruffles her brown head as if they're close friends. From this display, I begin to understand how much the Pops Orchestra loves Chaeyoung and why they'll go through great lengths to protect her.  
  
I think that's what Nayeon was trying to do when Reina got mad at me.  
  
As if on cue, Nayeon enters the auditorium with sweat dripping from her forehead. It seemed like she ran here from another building. I don't see her bass clarinet within sight, so I assumed that she did give up on it for good. I don't know why though.  
  
"I'm sorry for being late, babe", Nayeon walks up to Jihyo and plants a kiss on her cheek.  
  
_Wait, did Nayeon just call Jihyo 'babe'? Did she break up with JB?_  
  
"Were you getting high again, hun?" Jihyo jests, wiping off the mark on her cheek left from Nayeon's lip gloss.  
  
_Nayeon smokes too? Is that why she doesn't play the bass clarinet anymore?_  
  
"Not today", Nayeon chews on her lip, "I had to make up a test that I failed."   
  
Oh my god. What happened to this girl? Not only did she start smoking, but she's retaking her failed tests as well? I'm starting to believe that it was all my fault that Nayeon has gotten to this point. I'm trying to erase my dreadful thoughts when I intuitively glance at the person sitting on my right — the principal clarinetist of the Pops Orchestra. And then I realize:  
  
It's Nayeon.  
  
Nayeon sits next to me.  
  
She doesn't make eye-contact with me at all when she assembles her clarinet. I felt like a fish in the cool shallows rather than a hawk who hunts above; I don't bother trying to change the quiet environment lingering in between me and Nayeon. I'm just leaving things alone until suddenly, Nayeon jerks her head around to face me, pursing her lips.  
  
"Hey, can you scoot over a little? Your bassoon is hitting my leg."  
  
I can't believe that Nayeon would tell me to move away from her. Maybe I'm being too sensitive but that's what my mind is telling me right now.  
  
"Please?" Nayeon begs.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry", my mouth is almost too dry to speak as I shift over opposite to Nayeon, nearly jabbing Yerin with the bell of my bassoon.   
  
"Okay, then", once Nayeon settles in her seat, Jihyo returns to center stage and commences the tunning, "Youngjae. Please give us an A."   
  
Youngjae brought out his oboe and tuned to 441 hz (Unlike most orchestras that tune to 440 hz, all Juilliard ensembles tune to 441 hz). I pull my bassoon closer to me and procceeded to correct pitch. I feel a little dizzy once I start to expell air out of my lungs. And then the same ringing sensation commences in my ears. Gosh, why does that keep happening? It's so aggrevating how this symptom just pops up out of nowhere without warning. There's no set time or date for the ringing to happen; it just happens.  
  
_*SQUEAK*_  
  
_What the?_  
  
"Mina, was that you?" Jihyo asks after my mishap. All the other orchestra members follow suit in Jihyo's laughter, especially Sana.  
  
Especially Sana.  
  
"I-I-I..." I'm so embarrassed right now. I could feel my cheeks redden and my body temperature increasing. "I'll just change my reed."  
  
"Alright! We'll try that again", Jihyo is still giggling as she tries to get her shit together, "Youngjae, please."  
  
Youngjae takes in a deep breath and plays the A again.  
  
But frankly, I'm surprised that nobody in this ensemble was upset even though I had to put everybody into the trouble of tuning their instruments again. Instead, the Pops Orchestra members took it as a joke and proceeded to tune again without any further trouble. If I had creaked in the middle of Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals, I would've had narrow, rigid, cold eyes glaring at me from all directions. Maestro Gilbert would've probably dismissed me and my friends would've been enraged for wasting too much time. I know that squeaking incident happened to Shuuka before and the other orchestra members had to audacity to lash out on her after rehearsals.  
  
"Violas, watch your pitch!" Jihyo turns to her secton. Everyone responds as needed.  
  
_Wow. Jihyo has a really good ear._  
  
"Horns, you're a bit off. By a sixth", Jihyo instructs sweetly. Everyone in Sana's section also responds.   
  
I'm amazed at how each section is quick to react to Jihyo's directions, and they do it without snapping too. Even Chaeyoung's section is being patient with her. Eric Nam is holding Chaeyoung's hand, using it as a guide as she's tuning the marimba. Raising her fingers would indicate sharpness, while lowering her fingers would indicate flatness. I'm thoroughly intrigued. Nobody in the Juilliard Orchestra would ever assist her like this. Maybe the members of the Pops Orchestra are not as idiotic as I thought.   
  
"Good job everyone!" Jihyo praises, "Maestro will be here any minute now. Please sit back and be patient."  
  
After that, Jihyo returns to her principal seat to pitch her own viola. She doesn't even use a tuner for assistance. I bet this girl has perfect pitch.  
  
I wonder why she's not in the Juilliard Orchestra.  
  
All of a sudden, I feel much more calmer than a few minutes ago, and it was all because of Jihyo's soothing voice and the tuning process. The ringing sensation in my ear is held to a halt and I could hear the surrounding sounds a little more clearly. Normally, the violist has a voice that could fill up an entire auditorium. Sometimes, I even feel jealous of Jihyo's emphatic voice because she gets to sound as loud or as quiet as she wants, whereas I have to deal with my soft, thin voice. That's why people believe that I'm shy when I'm actually not.  
  
That set aside, I wonder who their maestro is.   
  
A minute later, a short, lanky girl enters the auditorium with a baton case under her left arm and a music binder under her right arm. She looks way too young to be a part of the Juilliard faculty, but I guess that's the magic of being a small Asian girl with youthful genetics. People still believe that I'm in high school but when I tell them my actual age, they get baffled because I don't look like a college student.  
  
"Hey guys", she introduces with a huge smile, laying her items on the podium, "My name is Anna Ishii and I am a first year in Juilliard's Graduate Program. I skipped a few grades in elementary school so I'm the same age as the third-years. I didn't go to Juilliard as an undergraduate; I attended the Manhattan School of Music. I also play the trumpet and I'm on a trial year with the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra. Originally, I was a student teacher with your former adviser, Maestro Leblanc but he will be on parental leave to support his pregnant wife. So in accordance to his wish, I will be taking over as adviser. I hope that we'll all get to know each other better!"  
  
Oh wow. Her aura is completely different compared to Maestro Gilbert. She seems so amiable; so composed.  
  
"Hey! I know you!" Sana leaps from her chair, "You were a member of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra many years ago!"  
  
"You're right!" Jihyo's mouth gapes open in regonition, "You used to hang out with Yuri, Sunny, and Yoona."  
  
Maestro Ishii laughs, "Ha ha ha! I recognize some of you from that orchestra. Sana, Jihyo, and Chaeyoung. Nice to see you guys again!"  
  
_She knows who Yuri is?_  
  
"I'm even more excited to work with you guys now that I see some familiar faces", Maestro Ishii takes out an orchestral score from her folder, "So, _The Sorcerer's Apprentice_ and _My Neighbor Totoro_ , right? Does everybody have their sheet music?"  
  
"We're still waiting on _Totoro_ ", Dahyun answers.  
  
Maestro Ishii nods, "Very well then. We'll start off with _The Sorcerer's Apprentice_."  
  
She lifts her baton upwards and everyone's instruments are at stance. Soon, the instrumentalists were deep into the music, their eyes closed and their bodies swaying in motion with the music. I don't think that anyone in the Juilliard Orchestra plays this way. And then the bassoon part comes.   
  
Oh my god.   
  
Why is my section the only one that sucks?  
  
I gave Yerin my reed and she stills sounds like crap. Sana should be calling her the "dying duck", not me. Mark and Junior can't play up to the marked tempo on their sheet music and SinB looks like she's out of breath. Perhaps that's why Momo was desperate to recruit me.

* * *

**The Twenty-Fifth Measure**

Jihyo is the one who brings everybody together.  
  
Rehearsals ended early today so Jihyo insisted that she'd take me, the new kid; Sana and Chaeyoung, her friends from the Youth Orchestra; Nayeon, her girlfriend; Momo, her co-vice president; Jeongyeon, the president; Dahyun, the secretary; and Tzuyu, the treasurer; to this burger joint called In-N-Out, which just recently opened in Times' Square next to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant. Much to my surprise, the line for In-N-Out is exponentially longer than the one at Ramsay's restaurant, and I've eaten at all of his restaurants before (Gordon Ramsay doesn't disappoint).   
  
Jihyo claims that In-N-Out is a Californian gem that revolutionized the meaning of "fast food" and "customer service". Sana and Chaeyoung admit to that ideology as well, having lived in San Francisco before. While Jeongyeon finds a place to place her ten-person van in the parking garage, the eight of us wait in the long line, standing outside in the frigid, New-York-City-at-night type of cold. I wasn't fazed at this at all, but Jihyo, Sana, and Chaeyoung were having trouble making sense of this type of weather, given that they came from California.  
  
Me, Sana, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon kept to ourselves, whereas the other five girls begged to differ. They rambled on for hours, not paying attention to how slow the line was moving. I felt like kneeling down on the floor because my legs were starting to fall sleep. Maybe it was because I was literally sitting down all day — in the practice room, in class, in the library, in Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals, and in Juilliard Pops Orchestra rehearsals.  
  
"Oh, Mina. You're here!" Tzuyu noticed, her eyes looking down on me, "What a surprise!"  
  
"I've _been_ here", I muttered.  
  
Then the tall cellist rested her arm on my head, "How's the weather down there?"  
  
"Ha ha. Very funny", I said with a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"Don't mind her", Dahyun giggled, "Bae treats me like that too."  
  
I raised an eyebrow, "Bae?"  
  
"I'm talking about Chewy!" She exclaimed, slapping Tzuyu's butt.  
  
First it was Momo and Jeongyeon, then Mark and Junior, then Nayeon and Jihyo, and now Dahyun and Tzuyu? How many couples are there within this ensemble? I don't recall the Juilliard Orchestra having this many relationships other than Reina and Shori, Shuuka and Yuta Nakamoto.  
  
Dahyun lifted me up from the ground with her strong arm as the line advanced further indoors. I observed Dahyun, who decided to compare my height with Tzuyu's, taking a great interest in Tzuyu's body. The cellist's incredible stature, coupled with her four-inch heels, towered over the Dahyun miniature, tiny body. And to add to that, Dahyun decided to wear flats rather than heels. Tzuyu literally had to look down at the pint-sized double bassist to make eye contact with her.   
  
"How's the weather up there?" Dahyun cheerily asked the tall cellist.  
  
"It's beautiful!" she answered in a lively tone, "Despite the chilly weather, of course."  
  
"Dubu. You need to grow taller", Jeongyeon joins in after finding a parking space. The other seven members joined in on the teasing bandwagon as Dahyun throws a pout at their resident driver. I had the urge to smile too, but I didn't want to show them my weakness.  
  
Jovial, lighthearted laughters? Weird nicknames? I don't remember my friends doing any of that.  
  
"Mina, since you're our new kid, I'm going to pay for your meal!" Jihyo declared, wrapping her arm around my frame and pinching my cheek.  
  
"You really don't have to", I contended.  
  
Jihyo was being extremely insistent, "No no no no! It's a Pops Orchestra tradition to treat our new members!"  
  
Jihyo offering to pay for my meal? My friends didn't even treat me out for my birthday. I had to pay for my _own_ meal.   
  
"So Mina. You like hamburgers, right?" Momo asked.  
  
"I've never had hamburger before", I said.  
  
"WHAT THE—" the eight of them horrendously stare at me as if I kicked a puppy into the curve. I don't get the big deal. So what if I've never eaten a hamburger before? There are so many other meals out there that trump just some hamburger.  
  
"And you call yourself an 'American'!" Dahyun gasps, crossing her arms.  
  
Unexpectedly, Jeongyeon climbs on top of an outdoor table and shouts something to the bustling crowd, "Ladies and gentlemen and dogs and cats! My good Japanese-American friend, Mina Myoui a.k.a. bassoon-chan, is about to try her very first hamburger today!"  
  
"GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THERE!" I shouted, abashed.  
  
"I've been wanting to do that for a long time!" Jeongyeon blurted out.  
  
"Do that again and I'm going to shove my bassoon up your ass", I threaten, not really meaning it.  
  
But the jolly president could care less, "Oh, Mina Mina Mina. I've had a lot of things shoved up my ass before."  
  
"What the f-"  
  
"Hey! Let's go inside!" Jeongyeon dodged, pushing all of us indoors.  
  
While Jeongyeon, Jihyo, Tzuyu, Nayeon, and Momo help Chaeyoung order food and Dahyun is taking a huge shit in the back of the facilities, I'm stuck with Sana as we're saving our spot and guarding our instrument cases. Sana is chewing on her nails while I'm staring off into space. I've realized that I also haven't talked to Sana much ever since I've been assigned my solo, and we're roommates.    
  
Maybe I should talk to her about Chaeyoung before things get awkward.  
  
"You're still not mad at me, right?" I ask her, "I apologized to Chaeyoung."  
  
Sana puts her fingers down, "You did?"  
  
"Yeah", but now I'm playing with my fingers, "But she said, well more precisely wrote to me that she hasn't totally forgiven me yet."  
  
"Me neither, and so does Nayeon", Sana says in an excited tone, yet I don't believe that she's excited at all. Great, now three people hate me?

_“I tried not to. I was horrible at controlling my temper back then, but emotional therapy has really helped.”_

_"I forgive you, for now."_

_"Can you scoot over a little?"_

I'm thirsty for an answer, "Eh? Why?"  
  
"It's because you hang out with _them_."  
  
I'm so confused, "Who the hell is _them_?"  
  
Sana's eyes read of disbelief, "You know? Reina Washio, Yuzuna Takebe, Shuuka and Karen Fujii. Mina, those girls are poison. Aren't you aware of how much harm they've done to Nayeon since she left them and to Chaeyoung since she joined the Juilliard Orchestra?"  
  
"What, no?" I said, dumbfoundedly, "I haven't been hanging out with them since I was assigned that concerto."  
  
"Chaekyung told me that Chaeyoung gets humilated in Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals every. single. day", Sana enunciates the last three words as to cause a dramatic effect, "I heard that she's missing her hearing aide because their principal clarinetist and his friends threw it in a lake."  
  
Holy crap. Does she mean Reina's boyfriend, Shori Satou?   
  
"Oh, and don't even get me started on Nayeon", she warns me, "Your so-called 'friends' magically acquired Nayeon's Snapchat nudes from her ex-boyfriend, JB, and spread them all over social media land and now her parents disowned her. That's why Nayeon is failing at school, because she has to work three fucking jobs to feed herself because she doesn't even have a family to support her anymore. She even sold her bass clarinet."  
  
Oh no.  
  
What have they done?  
  
Is it my fault that Chaeyoung is being bullied?  
  
Is it my fault that Nayeon has gotten to this state?  
   
I try to put on a smile to mask my inwards emotions as Jeongyeon and the others return to our table. I don't know who's idea it was to squeeze all nine of us in a six-seater dining booth, but I'm already dreading being squeezed in between two bodies. To make things even more awkward, I'm squeezed in between Nayeon AND Chaeyoung. I'm not even in the mood to eat my hamburger right now.  
  
"Speak of the devil and she will come", Tzuyu mutters from the corner of her mouth.  
  
I glance at the cellist's direction and see Reina, Yuzuna, Shuuka, Karen, Somi, Shori, and Yuta wandering around the restaurant searching for seats. What are they going to do if they see me with the Pops Orchestra members? I can't just leave them after Jihyo offered to buy my food as well as after what Sana told me. But at the same time, I can't leave the "Spectacular Six" and declare myself a part of the Pops Orchestra because Reina and the others are going to give me the same fate as Nayeon and Chaeyoung. 

* * *

**BONUS (Meanwhile as Jihyo and the others wait for Mina that night)**  
  
"So, who are you guys waiting for?" asks Sowon, the president of Mina's fanclub. She is standing with Umji and Yuju, two loyal fans of Mina.  
  
Momo answered, "Mina Myoui."  
  
"You're going to ask Mina to hang out with you guys?", Yuju squealed with a glint in her eye, "You mean MYOUI Mina, right?"  
  
"Not Kwon Mina? Bang Minah? Kang Minah?" Umji questions in doubt.  
  
"Yes, we mean MYOUI Mina", Dahyun corrects, "The bassoon queen."  
  
"Woah, you must be REALLY cool to talk to Mina Myoui", Sowon focused her tremendous gaze at Dahyun with her big eyes, "Do you know how many guys asked Mina Myoui to The Juilliard Ball last year? Forty-five".  
  
"Forty-five?" Tzuyu chokes on her cigarette, "That's even more than me!"  
  
"And do you know how many of those guys got rejected by Mina Myoui?" Sowon continued, "Forty-five."  
  
Momo gasped, "That's all of them".  
  
Jeongyeon rolled her eyes at the three girl's revelation, "But we're not guys. Besides, it's Mina's choice whether or not she wants to date them in the first place".  
  
"YOU NEVER KNOW", Umji and Yuju's gaze widened in fear.  
  
"Oh hey! Mina is here!" Jihyo points out, and the three fangirls run away due to shyness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dynamics - In music, dynamics are instructions in musical notation to the performer about hearing the loudness of a note or phrase. More generally, dynamics may also include other aspects of the execution of a given piece.
> 
> Flat - In music, flat means "lower in pitch". In music notation, the flat symbol, ♭ derived from a stylised lowercase "b", lowers a note by a half step (semitone). Intonation or tuning is said to be flat when it is below the true pitch.
> 
> Mouthpiece - The mouthpiece of a woodwind instrument is that part of the instrument which is placed partly in the player's mouth. On brass instruments the mouthpiece is the part of the instrument placed on the player's lips. The mouthpiece is a simple circular opening that leads, via a semi-spherical or conical cavity, to the main body of the instrument. Mouthpieces vary to suit the tone of the instrument. Lower instruments also have larger mouthpieces, to maximize resonance (see pitch of brass instruments). Also, mouthpieces are selected to suit the embouchure of the player, to produce a certain timbre, or to optimize the instrument for certain playing styles. For example, trumpet and trombone mouthpieces are usually semi-spherical whereas French horn mouthpieces are conical.
> 
> Movement - A movement is a self-contained part of a musical composition or musical form. While individual or selected movements from a composition are sometimes performed separately, a performance of the complete work requires all the movements to be performed in succession.
> 
> Sharp - In music, sharp means higher in pitch. More specifically, in musical notation, sharp means "higher in pitch by a semitone (half step)," and has an associated sharp symbol, ♯, which may be found in key signatures or as an accidental.
> 
> Sight Read - Sight-reading, also called a prima vista (Italian meaning "at first sight"), is the reading and performing of a piece of music or song in music notation that the performer has not seen before. Sight-singing is used to describe a singer who is sight-reading. Both activities require the musician to play or sing the notated rhythms and pitches.
> 
> Slides - A slide is a part of a wind instrument consisting of two (or more) pieces of tubing fitted one closely inside the other, and used to vary the overall length of the tube, and therefore the pitch of the instrument. In instruments such as the french horn, there are many slides used to tune the instrument, sometimes even during practice. In instruments such as the trombone and slide whistle, moving the slide is the main way of selecting the note while playing.
> 
> Contrabassoon - The contrabassoon, also known as the double bassoon, is a larger version of the bassoon, sounding an octave lower. Its technique is similar to its smaller cousin, with a few notable differences.
> 
> Prodigy - In psychology research literature, the term child prodigy is defined as a person under the age of ten endowed with exceptional qualities or abilities. Child prodigies are rare; and, in some domains, there are no child prodigies at all. Prodigiousness in childhood does not always predict adult eminence.
> 
> Virtuoso - A virtuoso is an individual who possesses outstanding technical ability in a particular art or field such as fine arts, music, singing, playing a musical instrument, or composition. The defining element of virtuosity is the performance ability of the musician in question, who is capable of displaying feats of skill well above the average performer.
> 
> Pitch - Pitch is a perceptual property of sounds that allows their ordering on a frequency-related scale or more commonly, pitch is the quality that makes it possible to judge sounds as "higher" and "lower" in the sense associated with musical melodies. Pitch can be determined only in sounds that have a frequency that is clear and stable enough to distinguish from noise. Pitch is a major auditory attribute of musical tones, along with duration, loudness, and timbre.
> 
> Baton - A baton is a stick that is used by conductors primarily to enlarge and enhance the manual and bodily movements associated with directing an ensemble of musicians.
> 
> Tempo - In musical terminology, tempo is the speed or pace of a given piece or subsection thereof, how fast or slow. Tempo is related to meter and is usually measured by beats per minute, with the beats being a division of the measures, though tempo is often indicated by terms which have acquired standard ranges of beats per minute or assumed by convention without indication.


	6. temperament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_temperament_  
Origin: Late Middle English  
Refers to the tuning of an instrument

* * *

 

**The Twenty-Sixth Measure**

Monday: September 28, 2020  
  
"Speak of the devil and she will come."  
  
I see Reina and the others file into the building, dropping their belongings at a table next to the window facing the parking garage. I didn't expect any my friends to visit a fast food place, especially since Yuzuna insists that her palette consists of "high taste" and that she doesn't vouch for oily, finger foods. I guess Reina is just trying to be adventurous, or so she claims when she takes part in lower-class activities. But now, I can't help but feel paranoid because I wouldn't want to be caught dead, hanging out with the Pops Orchestra in front of them.  
  
The nine of us are just standing around because I haven't received my meal yet. I'm staring at Reina and she's laughing away with her boyfriend's lap acting as her personal, convertible chair again. They're talking about how Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals went that night and how Chaeyoung nearly wet her pants after Himchan shouted through her left ear. They didn't even talk about that slight mishap I had during my solo and how my mouth almost cramped up from executing all those runs in the second movement.  
  
"Hey guys, I think we should move", Jihyo suggests, "It's too cramped in here anyways."  
  
Jihyo, you're a lifesaver.  
  
"Where are we going to eat, then?" Nayeon asked, furrowing her brow.  
  
"We could eat in the parking lot", Momo stupidly recommends, popping a french fry in her mouth.  
  
"As if that's not going to be blatantly obvious. Mina's friends could see us from their window", Jeongyeon considered, staring at the pathetically-placed parking garage where her van stands, "If you guys want, I can drive and we can eat somewhere else, like at Central Park or something."  
  
"Great idea!" Dahyun concedes, slinging her double bass case on her back, "We can hide our takeout Jeongyeon's car trunk."  
  
I winced, "I'm not eating food that's coming out of someone's car trunk."  
  
"Alright, Your Highness. What do you suggest we do then?" Nayeon addresses me, mockingly.  
  
"I don't know", And then I remember Sana's secret basement where we watched Studio Ghibli films, "Minatozaki's place?"  
  
"Mina, my family doesn't own that house anymore", Sana's face falls as she considers this, "And besides, I came back to New York City by myself just so that I can attent Juilliard. My parents are still in San Francisco, still doing day-jobs so that they could pay off my Juilliard tuition because I didn't win any scholarships or grants. That's why I'm dorming with you and Chaekyung, remember?"  
  
Jeongyeon raised an eyebrow, "What about Financial Aid?"  
  
"I only got three thousand dollars", Sana shrugged, "And expenses at Juilliard amount to sixty-thousand dollars a year."  
  
Nayeon huffed, crossing her arms, "I bet Mina's parents could afford her tuition."  
  
Now I'm not in the mood to deal with Nayeon's crap, even after what Sana told me, "You're wrong. I didn't even have to pay a single dime for college because I actually got scholarships from previous competitions and summer music camps."  
  
"Oh, aren't you being quite the hot-shot?" the older girl was heating up, "I guess hanging out with Reina really boosted your ego."  
  
"Guys, cut it out!" Jihyo stood in between me and Nayeon in an attempt to break up the tension, then she turns to Nayeon, "Babe, I have a job for you."  
  
Before we could even walk out the door, Jihyo remembers that my meal hasn't arrived yet, so she escorts Jeongyeon, Tzuyu, Momo, Nayeon, Sana, and Chaeyoung to the parking garage so that they could stash their takeout somewhere in her giant mini-van (At least Jeongyeon's car is exceptionally clean, besides her cluttered car trunk). Me, Jihyo, and Dahyun are standing close to the women's bathroom so that we're not in Reina Washio's peripheral. Ultimately, the three of us got sick of standing up for so long, that Jihyo decided to sit in at the bar tables.  
  
Why is my food taking so long to arrive? And to think Jihyo claims that this establishment has "revolutionary customer service."  
  
Ten minutes later, I notice one of the In-N-Out employees approach me, Jihyo, and Dahyun with absolutely no tray nor takeout bag. He looks strikingly familiar with his unkempt bronze hair and his youthful facial features, yet I can't pinpoint who it is because of his silly work cap.  
  
"Hey, Mina?" oh, it's just Joshua, my third chair bassoonist from the Juilliard Orchestra, "I had Vernon bring your food over to your table."  
  
I stared blankly at Joshua, not comprehending, "My table?"  
  
"Uh, yeah?" Joshua laughs, "You're sitting over there? Aren't you?"  
  
I jerk my head to the direction where Joshua's finger is pointing and I spot an extra hamburger flying over to Reina's table. I hear Vernon, my fourth chair bassoonist, disputing with Yuzuna as to why they have an extra hamburger at their table. And then it hits me: that extra burger is _mine_. Vernon brought my hamburger to Reina's table.  
  
_Are they fucking idiots?_  
  
Joshua immediately recognizes my petulant expression, "Y-You're not sitting with them?"  
  
"No", I bit my tongue, trying not to unleash my anger in front of hundreds of customers, "I'm going back to Juilliard."  
  
I'm praying that he doesn't notice Jihyo and Dahyun sitting next to me because knowing Joshua, he can't keep his mouth shut when it comes to juicy secrets or if someone brings up frickin' _Naruto_ , _One Piece_ , _Bleach_ , _Adventure Time_ , or even _Twilight_ (He's on Team Jacob). I don't even call my bassoon 'MIkasa' anymore because I grew out of my anime phase. _Attack on Titan_ is overrated now.  
  
"Vernon just paged me", Joshua tucked away his walkie-talkie in his pant pocket, "He's having Shuuka bring your meal to you."  
  
"WHAT?" Me, Jihyo, and Dahyun shouted simultaneously. Joshua flinched in fear.  
  
I'm losing my mind, "Why can't Vernon bring the damn food himself?"  
  
"H-He's going home because his shift ended", Joshua sputtered. These two are not having any more of my homemade cork wax next time they ask for it.  
  
After Joshua leaves, Jihyo turns to me with a soft sigh, "I'll just give you my burger. We need to leave before that oboe girl comes."  
  
"Oboe? More like oh fuck", Dahyun points at Shuuka with her lips. Both of them weren't kidding; it is Shuuka Fujii, trotting up to me in that short, floral-print dress that she ordered on YesStyle. She has my hamburger in hand, the clinging of her wrist bangles filling the hot air in the facility.  
  
"Hey, Minari!" Shuuka greets in her bubbly voice, "I didn't know that you're here. Why aren't you eating with us?"  
  
_Crap, what do I say?_  
  
"I..." my mind draws to a blank, "I have to practice! I'm just buying food for me and my instructor."  
  
_Hah, that was a lie._  
  
Shuuka falls for it, "That's right! You have that difficult solo for opening night! Good luck! I heard that your mom and dad are going to watch you."  
  
The slender oboist walks away and thankfully, she doesn't notice Jihyo nor Dahyun. All that I'm hoping for is that she doesn't bring up my name to Reina and the others because they would start interrogating me the next morning. Now the three of us could leave the building without any worry.  
  
Wait a damn minute.  
  
Did Shuuka just say that my parents are going to watch my performance?  
  
I don't even want to deal with my parents rambling at me for the slightest mistakes. I haven't seen them since the New York Philharmonic left to tour the continent of Europe last summer. School, hanging out with Reina, and being a member of the Juilliard Orchestra is already stressful as it is. And not only that, but what if my hearing suddenly disappears again? What am I supposed to do about an unprecedented matter? I can't just tell them that my hearing is (or is going to be) jacked up. They,'rere not going to believe me.  
  
"Mina, what's wrong?" Jihyo notices me standing close to the door, frozen like a statue.  
  
I try to recollect myself, "Uhh... nothing!"  
  
"Move! You're in the way!" an impatient customer, who must be around his mid-thirties, shoves me out of the way, to the point where my face hits the ground hard. I rub my face and I see a red liquid dripping onto my mitten. Blood? I'm about to cry because my nose is bleeding.    
  
"Yo!" Dahyun gives her double bass case to Jihyo and trudges up to the guy, "What the fuck is your problem? You didn't have to push my friend!"  
  
"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting here?" he squabbles, "Snots like you shouldn't be cutting in line!"  
  
"Excuse you! That doesn't give you the right to be a huge asshole and hurt Mina like that! She's bleeding too!" Dahyun counters, clutching the man's bubble jacket with her large, double bass-playing hands, "And besides, we were just about to leave too!"  
  
"Dubu, I got this", Jihyo throws back Dahyun's instrument case to her, crackling her knuckles and approaching the enraged turd, "Listen, sir. I don't want to make a huge scene in the middle of Manhattan but our friend, Mina Myoui, is a powerful figure among students at the Juilliard School. I have connections to her huge, devoted fanclub that is ready to murder anybody who hurts Mina like that. If you don't want to get jumped by a group of about a hundred or so, I suggest that you apologize to Mina and back the hell off. Or else."  
  
The man steps back, brushing off his shoulder and muttering something under his breath, "Juilliard brats."  
  
Jihyo holds out her hand, helping me off the ground, "Pay no mind to him. He's probably a Juilliard-reject."  
  
While Dahyun runs back inside to grab some tissues for my bloody nose, Jihyo allows me to sling my arm around her shoulders as she assists me to Jeongyeon's car. All of a sudden, Momo, Tzuyu, and Sana spill out from the middle row of the van and embrace me in their arms. Frankly, I'm even more surprised that Sana would make this move. My eyes move above their heads, spotting Chaeyoung and Nayeon sitting in the back row with their arms still crossed. The only difference is that Nayeon looks rather solemn, compared to how irritated she was at me before.   
  
Dahyun returns in a jiffy to wipe my nose, "You'll never believe what happened to Mina.  
  
"We saw it", Jeongyeon observed, sitting in the driver's seat, "Are you okay, Mina?"  
  
"I'm fine", I said, "I'm just bleeding, that's all."  
  
"Maybe eating a hamburger will make you feel better!" Momo enthusiastically suggests, ruffling my wine-colored head, "Jeongyeon is going to drop us off somewhere in Central Park so that we can eat in peace. You know, no Reina and all."  
  
"I have a first-aid kit in the back of the car too", Jeongyeon offers, "I'll take care of your nose once we get there."  
  
"Thanks", I say, sheepishly.

* * *

**The Twenty-Seventh Measure**

Piled upon the dew-covered grass were crusty brown leaves, whirled around in a circle like a small tornado, sweeping the beautiful Central park. The mystifying colours of the streetlights and towering skyscrapers shone onto the pile of leaves glistening brightly as the smell of the fragrant breeze lightly blew over my shoulders and neck, which gave me that tingling sensation everyone gets at the beginning of autumn. The pristine waters of the Bethesda Fountain looked like glass, surrounded by ornate forests, water reflecting the radiant moon covered by a blanket of blue sky, sumptuous vegetation, and foilage encompassing the edges.  
  
Jeongyeon had me sit down in a park bench under an old gazebo, playing doctor as she spreads some kind of lubricant on the bridge of my nose. It's cold and sticky and gross, but I don't complain becuase I assume that the short-haired timpanist knows everything. Besides, Jeongyeon is a year above me and she's the president of the Pops Orchestra. She must be responsible in some sense.  
  
"Hey, bassoon-chan. Do you need to breathe through your nose to play the bassoon?" Jeongyeon randomly asked.  
  
"Of course", I say. Breathing is not just customary for the bassoon, but for any wind instrument in general.  
  
Jeongyeon just nods and pulls out a bandage from the first-aid kit, strapping it on my nose, "Lean forward slightly with the head tilted forward. Don't tilt your head backwards or breathe through your nose like you do in practice, or else the blood to run back into the sinuses and throat, and can cause gagging or inhaling of blood. Also, if you swallow blood, you might get diarrhea."  
  
"How do you know about all of this?" I ask out of curiosity.  
  
"My sister is a doctor", she said, "When I was younger and she was studying pre-med at Columbia University, she used to scare me to death with these weird facts, like how humans shed skin or how there are little creatures living in our eyelashes."  
  
I didn't want to hear anymore of Jeongyeon's creepy medical trivia, so I changed the subject, "How did you know about this place?"  
  
"Pokémon Go", Jeongyeon snickered. Sana nearly choked on her soda after hearing this.  
  
"You still haven't given up on that fucking game?" Nayeon bantered, rolling her tongue around the bun of her hamburger, lapping sesame seeds.  
  
Jeongyeon slapped the clarinetist's hand, "NEVER! Pokémon is my childhood! I gotta catch 'em all!"  
  
"Gotta catch deez nuts", Dahyun quirks, but nobody listens to her.  
  
"Mina! Remember when you were such a huge Pokémon fan? We would watch every episode of Diamond and Pearl at my place every Saturday morning and you'd complain of how much of an idiot Ash Ketchum was throughout the entire series and..." Sana takes this opportunity to tease me in front of the Pops Orchestra members and all I can think about is shoving this hamburger down her throat so that she could shut up. Dahyun, Tzuyu, Momo, and Jeongyeon are laughing at the image of me being a nerd when I was younger. I've never revealed this side to my parents before because they wouldn't approve of me watching "trivial" shows.   
  
"D'awww! Mina, a Pokémon fan?" Momo chuckles, "I would've loved to see that version of Mina instead of Musician Mina!"  
  
"Shut your mouth, Hirai", I hissed.  
  
"Who was your favorite Pokémon?" Jihyo questions me, "Mine was Jigglypuff."  
  
"I—"  
  
"It was Piplup!" Sana cuts me off, "Mina was so obsessed with Piplup that she'd trade her rare, holographic Pokémon cards with her classmates on the playground, just to get a bunch of Piplup cards or at least its evolutions! She had thirty of them!"  
  
"You're an idiot, bassoon-chan", Jeongyeon taunts, "I would've DIED to have your trading cards!"  
  
I think that my cheeks are turning into a hot red, "Can we not talk about this topic right now?"  
  
Finally, Chaeyoung saves me from the huge Pokémon panemonium and writes something on her sketchpad:

**Did you like your first hamburger?**

"I don't really like it", I shake my head, holding out an unfinished 4x4 cheeseburger. Sana translates this for Chaeyoung.  
  
"WHAT?" The eight of them, especially Sana and Momo, give me this incredulous stare.  
  
"What do you not like about it?" Tzuyu asked.  
  
"It's bland", I tell them honestly, knowing that they're all going to give me judgemental looks at the end of my rant, "There's no seasoning, the bread is soggy, the patties are greasy, and I don't have any damn ketchup! I've had better burgers at McDonalds, and they're just average."  
  
"Now that you think about it, my 'Flying Dutchman' burger isn't as good as California's", Jihyo gaped at her meal, which was literally just cheese sandwiched in between two meat patties. I also remember having to wait thirty minutes for my food.  _I bet Vernon messed up my meal._  
  
"I'm sorry Jihyo", I apologize nonetheless, feeling bad for the violist since she paid for my meal.  
  
Jihyo displays this huge grin and pats me on the back, "It's alright, Mina! Maybe only _your_ burger was bad because the employees had to deal with so many customers. I'll ensure that your next 4 x 4 will be of good taste next time I treat you out!"  
  
I shook my head, "You really don't have to."  
  
"Mina", Jihyo restated, placing her hands meaningfully on my shoulders, "I want to."

* * *

**The Twenty-Eighth Measure**

Tuesday: September 29, 2020  
  
Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals were chaotic today. I noticed that people from their respective sections were mingling with other sections, talking loudly over to each other as I wafted past them. Their eyes are fixated on my face, peering at the little bandage taped on the bridge of my nose. Jeongyeon attests that the bandage would relieve the burning tension that sparked from my nose coming in contact with the concrete floor, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I feel nauseous and my vision is slightly distorted. I bet it was because of my hamburger.  
  
"I heard from Reina Washio that you got jumped outside of In-N-Out", Joshua says as I pass over him to get to my seat. He seems regretful after saying that.   
  
Jumped at In-N-Out? What the hell is he talking abo—  
  
Oh my god.  
  
Realizing what he meant, I set my bassoon down on its stand and hover over to him, grabbing him by his shirt collar, "REINA TOLD YOU WHAT?"  
  
"EEK! D-Don't kill me, please!" Joshua cowers, closing his eyes in fear, "I-I-I didn't see you get attacked or anything! I-I only question what I hear from the other students! Pl-Please have mercy on me! I didn't know what my gut was thinking when I let that out!"  
  
I let go of him, not wanting to cause a ruckus. I head back to my seat and hold my head in great confusion and anxiety.  _Oh crap. Reina saw me at In-N-Out. And it's all because of that thirty five year-old dickhead who pushed me to the ground._ I then regain my consciousness and look up. The other members continue to stare at the nose bandage that Jeongyeon had placed on me while we were at Central Park, and it doesn't seem to alleviate any suspicions or rumors about me getting messed up last night.   
  
"I presume that most of you weren't warming up", Maestro Gilbert abruptly slams the doors open and speed-walks down the aisle leading to his podium, "What did I say about taking rehearsals as a joke? Do I need to extend this session by another thirty minutes."  
  
"No, Maestro", everyone's heads lowered in shame.  
  
Maestro Gilbert then leaves the room so that he could grab another cup of coffee. Immediately, the volume of chatter exponentially increased and I can't even hear the sound of my own bassoon, even though I'm using a tuner to check pitch.   
  
And then the air is filled with silence. Everyone's heads towards the percussion section storing their instruments away since my solo doesn't require any percussion instruments. I join the crowd of eyes and I see a bass drum knocked over on its side, severed from its adjustable cradle.  
  
"I-I'm sorry", is the one word that Chaeyoung has spoken using her own mouth. She may be deaf, but she's not mute.  
  
Himchan ignored Chaeyoung's apology and walked up to her in a confident manner, giving her instructions in the spoken language. I highly doubt that Chaeyoung could understand what Himchan was trying to tell her to do, but he's doing it on purpose just to baffle her. Mingyu and another percussionist, named Rocky or whatever, sneaked up behind the poor girl and picked something out of her ear. Chaeyoung tries to move the fallen bass drum to the storage room herself, but then two percussionists kick her shins before she could even make it backstage. Chaeyoung drops the bass drum (once again) onto her foot, chipping one of her toenails.  
  
"It seems that somebody knows how to drop the bass!" Rocky joked, the other musicians bursting into a continuous laughter.  
  
"Yah!" Chaekyung stood up from her principal horn seat and opposed the rude percussionist, "Leave Chaeyoung alone!"  
  
"We're not talking to you, you slut", Rocky sneered and the laughs only became louder.  
  
"Shut u—" Before I could make the step to defend my roommate, Maestro Gilbert reappears in the Alice Tully Hall, glancing at his watch.  
  
"Time's up!" He settled, waving his baton in the air as to capture everyone's attention, "Our opening night is this Friday and we can't afford to lose time. Ms. Myoui, please come up to the center stage so that we can get started on your solo."

* * *

**The Twenty-Ninth Measure**

I would have rather been dead than do another Jolivet concerto rehearsal with Alan Gilbert. The facial muscles around my lips and my cheeks ached, my fingers feel stiff, and now I feel even more dizzy than before. Luckily, the ringing sensation in my ears did not go off while I was practicing, but I've noticed that my head would spin after playing high notes or drawing out extended breaths of air for long notes. Mr. Cseszenky, my current bassoon instructor at Juilliard, interpreted that a breath was a bridge to another breath, but my bridge was falling apart today.  
  
I decided to stick around the Alice Tully Hall for a while because Jeongyeon e-mailed all of the Pops Orchestra members that we would be having rehearsals here, at 10 o'clock sharp. I turn on my phone to check the time and I have about fifteen minutes left until the others arrive. Chaeyoung is still here too, lugging out the percussion instruments from the storage room by herself. Although her expression lightened up from earlier, something told me that Chaeyoung was seriously hurt inside by her peers. Nobody even bothered to help the small girl.   
  
Maybe I should help her once everybody is gone.  
  
"Hey", I smiled down at Chaeyoung gingerly, "I can help you with that."  
  
Chaeyoung squints as me, looking inquisitive.  
  
"Oh, shoot! I forgot that you're deaf!" Duh, Mina,  
  
I spot her sketchpad lying on top of one of the timpani kettles, so I snatch it and write something in a red Sharpie marker:

**I'll help you.**

Chaeyoung nods and she leads me to the storage room of the Alice Tully Hall, which is in the backstage area, secluded away by a pile of battered boxes and garbage sacks for later use or for enjoyment. In truth, behind those tacky belongings were heaps of hidden gems — high quality percussion instruments shipped from all over the world, including some percussion instruments that I've never even heard of before.   
  
The Pops Orchestra would be using the timpani, the glockenspiel, the bass drum, the cymbals, and the triangle. Chaeyoung writes to me that all I needed to bring out was the glockenspiel, since she had already done most of the job while Maestro Gilbert and I were having a conversation about making technical changes to my piece (changes that I'm not particularly happy with).   
  
The glockenspiel wasn't so hard to find, as it was tucked in the back of the storage room with the other mallet instruments, like the marimba and the vibraphone. It had crotales mounted on top, hovering over the glockenspiel's metal plates, and in between two crotales was a strange device that was no larger than a peanut. There was some icky goo on the corner of said device so I assumed that it was just a piece of trash.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
Chaeyoung notices this and snatches the device away from my fingertips, stuffing it in her ear canal.  
  
"Can you hear me?" the small girl articulates.  _Woah. She's talking to me._  
  
"Yeah. Rather clearly", I tell her.  
  
"WHAT?" Chaeyoung shrieks, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU."  
  
"Yes!" I say, a little louder than before, "I can hear you perfectly."  
  
"Can you talk a little slower and a little louder?" Chaeyoung requests.  
  
Man, my voice isn't naturally that loud, but I give it a go, "YES. I. CAN. HEAR. YOU. PERFECTLY."  
  
"Thanks for finding my hearing aide!" Chaeyoung displays this adorable little smile on her face that could possibly light up the world, heck even brighten up a crappy day. I'm nearly touched that Chaeyoung has been granted a device where she could regain her sense of hearing, albeit not as clearly and consistently as before. Maybe this could be a new start to our crummy relationship. Maybe she'll grow to like me again.  
  
"So we can talk normally now. Right?"   
  
Chaeyoung's face deflates as I say this.  
  
Did I say something wrong?

* * *

**The Thirtieth Measure**

Wednesday: September 30, 2020  
  
Juilliard Orchestra Rehearsals were a lot slower today, and that's surprising because the Alice Tully Hall was filled with a hundred boisterous voices.   
  
The reason why we're so behind on scheduling is because Chaeyoung kept messing up her cymbal crashes in the fourth movement of Ein Heldenleben. She would either come in too late or too early, and it would throw off all the other musicians who thought that they were playing in time with the young girl. Basically, our ensemble performed in two different tempos: One half followed the conductor, the other half (most likely the newbies of the Juilliard Ensemble like Somi or Kyla Massie) followed Chaeyoung. It was extremely off-putting and mind-bloggling. The headache culminating in my brain only grew worse because of this nightmare of a rehearsal.  
  
"Take ten. I'm going to get another coffee", Maestro Gilbert sighed. He looked like he wanted to cuss Chaeyoung out but doing so would be deemed as blasphemous and ill-mannered, and could put his job security at risk. So he kept his mouth shut and left the auditorium.  
  
I'm principal bassoon, Shori is first chair clarinet, Somi is fourth chair clarinet, Shuuka is principal oboe, and Yuzuna is principal flute. Most musicians have disappeared from their seats since the Maestro abandoned us, so Reina and Karen Fujii took the liberty to shift from their seats within the string section and migrate to the woodwind section where most of us (excluding Yuta Nakamoto, Shuuka's boyfriend, went to hang out with his horn buddies) are congregated in an inelegant square. Not uncommonly, Reina props her butt on Shori's lap and uses him as a chair.   
  
"Jesus", Karen grunts, "I can't believe that Maestro is keeping us an hour after rehearsals were supposed to end."  
  
Reina rests a hand on Karen's back, offering silent reassurance, "It's not your fault. It's Chaeyoung's fault."  
  
"I swear. Things could've been more productive without her", Yuzuna sighs dramatically, "That girl is like bad luck. We have slow rehearsals, we have to teach her everything she doesn't understand, and then we have to write in her damn sketchpad to communicate with her. Doesn't she realize how much of a burden she is to the rest of the orchestra members? Even Maestro is upset with her!"  
  
"She have a hearing aid, doesn't she?" Shori inquires.  
  
"I heard that she lost it again", Shuuka speaks with a reed in her mouth.  
  
"You guys. Chaeyoung is coming", Somi gestures to the group The short-haired girl trotted down the steps from the percussion section, making a right to my section and stepping over an annoyed Jun, Vernon, Joshua, and Mingyu. I suppose that she intends to see me.  
  
Karen leans over and whispers in my ear, "What the hell does she want?"   
  
"Let's find out!", Shuuka merrily proposes.  
  
Chaeyoung unveils her sketchpad and flips open to a page:

**Could you tell me what the Maestro said?**

And then another page:

**I don't have my hearing aids with me.**

Just before Chaeyoung could hand over the sketchpad for me to write on, Yuzuna seizes the sketchpad from her grasp and starts tearing out every single page from its brackets, until there were ultimately no more pages left for Chaeyoung to write on. The cheers from the other orchestra members come with their fists in the air and eyes flung wide at Yuzuna's actions. They're rooting for her.   
  
"If you need to say something then why don't you use your own mouth?" Yuzuna screams at Chaeyoung, but the younger girl doesn't comprehend. All I see are briny tears trickling down her face, thick lashes clumped together as if she had been swimming.   
  
"I'm sorry!" is what Chaeyoung says again, even though she can't tell why Yuzuna was upset.  
  
At the sight of Chaeyoung crying, Yuzuna starts shredding the sketchpad with her own hands, "Is that all you can say? Can you speak English at all? Why do you have to go to Mina to ask for help? Why can't you just ask Maestro himself? Do you know how much trouble you're causing us?"  
  
"I can't believe that you would be irresponsible enough to lose your hearing aids!" Reina joins in, yelling at the poor girl, "You piece of sh—"  
  
"That's enough!" Maestro Gilbert admonishes, his eyes pointed at my group, "Pick up those papers on the floor! I will not tolerate a cluttered rehearsal space, even if the Pops Orchestra is going to use this auditorium afterwards!"  
  
"Fuck the Pops Orchestra!" I hear somebody bellow behind me. Everyone laughed again.  
  
Shoot. I forgot that the Pops Orchestra rehearses in the same space as the Juilliard Orchestra. The members are probably sitting outside, waiting for us to finish. I'm hoping that none of them heard what Yuzuna and Reina said to Chaeyoung.  
  
I bet Mingyu and the others stole Chaeyoung's hearing aids.  
  
Once rehearsals ended an hour later, I wait for everybody to pack up and leave the Alice Tully Hall so that I can confront Mingyu without causing a huge fuss. Since I joined the Pops Orchestra, I would monitor everybody in the Juilliard Orchestra disappear one by one before the Pops musicians could file in. I've done the calculations and learned that Mingyu was always one of the last people to leave. A year ago, rumors circulated among the Music Division that Mingyu had a crush on me. He even asked me out to the Juilliard Ball at the end of the year, but I'm not interesting in dating anyone who plays the same instrument as me. I speculated that Mingyu stays behind because he just wants to stall time and talk to me, so I use this as a perfect opportunity to ask about Chaeyoung.  
  
And just before Mingyu could exit out the auditorium, I grab his shirt and push him against the wall, "OW! Holy shit, Mina. I love y—"   
  
"You're going to tell me where Chaeyoung's hearing aids are or else I'm going to demote you from second chair to fourth chair!" I threaten.  
  
"But I like being second chair!" Mingyu shrinks in despair. Hah, I knew it. He doesn't want to be seated away from me.  
  
"Then tell me where her hearing aids are!" I tighten my grip.  
  
"I... er.... um...." Mingyu is sweating balls, "H-H-Himchan, Rocky, and Shori threw her hearing aids in the fountain! Th-The one at the Lincoln Center for Performing Arts! There, now you know! Pl-Pl-Please don't make a fourth chair! I-I-I-I like sitting next to you."  
  
I let go of him, confused, "Huh?"  
  
"Y-You play beautifully! A-And you're super hot too!" He stammers before escaping the auditorium in embarrassment. I'm thinking,  _What?_

* * *

**The Thirty-First Measure**

Pops Orchestra rehearsals commenced late today because of the Juilliard Orchestra, therefore we ended late. Like, past midnight. During our break at 11:50 p.m. (I know, late right?), I excused myself from the premises and jogged over to the student store located on West 66th and Broadway. They had a couple of notebooks left in stock so I managed to buy a cheap one, five minutes before closing time.  
  
At the end of rehearsal, I was wondering if Chaeyoung needed some assistance with storing away the percussion instruments for the next day. So I approached her with the new notebook and a huge, perhaps awkward smile on my face. I don't smile that much so the feeling felt uncanny. It's not that I'm depressed or anything; I just don't smile that often, even if I feel extremely elated.  
  
Chaeyoung acknowledges me with a distressed expression as she accepts my little "gift" for her.  
  
What's the matter with her? Not even a little "thank you"?

* * *

**The Thirty-Second Measure**

I don't get it. Why is Chaeyoung upset with me again?  
  
These are the thoughts that I'm having while I'm standing in the shower, blankly staring at the marble-tiled walls, absentmindedly combing my wet hair with my exhausted, soap-filled fingers. My mind was in shreds; I would never get that thought out of my mind. I turned up the dial, after having laced on some shampoo, releasing thousands of lukewarm drops, darkening my hair and trickling down my back.   
  
I don't know why I'm so bothered by this. I'm so used to people getting upset at me, like my parents when I don't give a good performance or my competitors when I squash them to the ground. But not like this, not in the way that Chaeyoung does it. Why am I letting her invade my thoughts?

_"Chaeyoung was your biggest fan!"_

Oh, that's why.  
  
_*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*_  
  
"MINA!" Sana screamed from the other side of the bathroom door, "YOU'VE BEEN IN THE SHOWER FOR FORTY-FIVE MINUTES! IT'S MY TURN!"  
  
"I'M DONE, SHEESH!" I yelled at her, irritated. I turn down the dial on the shower knob and wrap a towel around my head, slipping on my bathrobe so that I wouldn't have to walk to my room naked (The Meredith Wilson Residence Hall implants three shared bathrooms on each floor).  
  
For some reason, Chaekyung isn't here. But I shrug it off and assume that she went out to a nightclub or something like that. Even though Chaekyung is the principal horn of the Juilliard Orchestra and has her own share of duties to fulfill, she's still quite the party girl and I guess she likes to cut loose just to release some stress. The only parties I've been to were the Juilliard dances every year and the dinner parties that my parents forced me to go to while wearing suffocating dresses picked out by my mother. I don't even remember having my own birthday parties.  
  
"Mina?" Sana's voice resounds in my ear.  
  
My eyes widen, "You're done showering already?"  
  
"You're stll wearing a bathrobe?" Sana dodges my question, already clothed in Hello Kitty pajamas and mismatched socks. Apparently, the blonde girl also wears glasses when she's not outside — dark-rimmed ones that most Asian girls on campus wear.  
  
"I was about to get dressed until _you_ walked in", I muttered.  
  
Sana stepped out of the room for a bit so that I could change clothes. But once I reach into my drawer, I find that I don't have any pajamas left. _Crap, I forgot to recclaim my pajamas from the dryer._ Juilliard's laundry room is usually closed after midnight, so it's not like I can easily stroll in there and ask for my clothes. I guess I'm going to have to ask Sana for her share of clothes until the next morning. Why am I so forgetful?  
  
Oh yeah, it's because Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals ended late.  
  
"Mina! Are you dressed yet?" Sana asks.  
  
"Uhh... I might need to borrow some clothes from you", I tell her, and Sana is just laughing her ass off at the image of me wearing her clothes. She lends me a two-piece Winnie-The-Pooh pajama set that is made out of linen. I only take the pajama top and hand the pants back to her.  
  
"Oh, Mina. You're so cute", she teases, but I'm in no mood to begin a dispute. Maybe I should ask her about Chaeyoung.  
  
"Do you think that Chaeyoung is still mad at me?"   
  
Sana spaces out, "What?"  
  
I guess I need to explain to her what happened that night, "Yuzuna took Chaeyoung's sketchpad and ripped it apart while she was trying to ask me a question. And then I rushed to buy a new sketchpad for her from the student store five minutes before it closed, and she didn't seem that happy. Like, why is it so hard to please that girl? I'm so drained from helping her out."  
  
"Did you defend her when she was being teased by your 'friends'?" Sana does this weird hand gesture when she says the word, 'friends'.  
  
Oh god.  
  
Now that I look at the big picture, I didn't help Chaeyoung when Yuzuna and the others were attacking her. I was just sitting there, silently observing the frantic scene being played out right in front of me. Jihyo and Dahyun defended me when that random customer shoved me to the ground. Jeongyeon took care of me when my nose was bleeding. The others comforted me and asked me if I was "okay".  
  
Nayeon defended me when Reina threw a tantrum at me at the end of our sophomore year at Juilliard. How did I not get a clue?  
  
Sana placed a finger on her chin, "There might be one way to gain her approval."  
  
My eyes lit up, "Eh? What is it?"  
  
"By learning sign language", she pursed her lips.

How am I supposed to learn sign language if I'm already having trouble speaking standard Japanese? And where am I going to get a teacher? Chaeyoung can't possibly teach me because she's a year younger than me and we have different class schedules. She can't teach me during orchestra rehearsals because we wouldn't even have the chance to casually communicate with each other if my friends are there.  
  
Unless Sana teaches me, which I find even more humiliating.  
  
Am I even going to have time? Given that I'm taking nineteen credits (twenty-one now because of the Pops Orchestra that Sana tripped me into), I don't even think that I can fit in the appropriate amount of time needed to learn another language. I'm not even going to see Chaeyoung after I graduate from Juilliard because I'm planning to move to Europe to find an orchestral job. And if I land in a different country that doesn't have English as their official language, chances are that I'm going to have to assimilate and learn their language as well.  
  
"Isn't writing notes enough?"  
  
Sana gave me a quizzical look, "Chaeyoung can express her feelings better by sign language rather than just writing on paper."

"Reading lips?"  
  
"Lip reading is ineffective and increidbly exhausting. A deaf person would prefer communicating with someone who uses their own language."  
  
"Sana, I don't know..." I said, hesitantly, "I don't really have that much time to learn since—"  
  
"What about on weekends?" Sana interrupts, "Mina, you don't have to be extremely fluent in sign language to communicate with Chaeyoung. And besides, she'd really appreciate it if you connected with her that way because it gives her an identity. It breaks the language barrier between you two and and is the best means of fostering an understanding between people who are hard of hearing and those who are not."  
  
Of course you'd know that, Sana. You speak better Japanese than I do.  
  
"That's easy for you to say. Languages come easy to you and that's why you did better in Japanese school than I did."  
  
Sana giggled, throwing her old clothes to the side, "It's not that. I just spoke Japanese more at home. And I'm still learning sign language by working at the front desk of the Juilliard School's Office of Academic Support and Disability Services. Chaeyoung and a couple of other students are in the deaf program and I get to communicate with them everyday. It's actually a lot of fun and it gives you a distraction from your studies!"  
  
"I'm not trying to get distracted from my studies", I address her, sternly.  
  
"But are you having fun?"  
  
"Goodnight!" I plop down on my bed and cover my head with my blankets.  
  
"MINA! ANSWER MY QUESTION!" Sana pleaded.  
  
No, Sana. I'm not having fun yet. But I will have fun after all of my hard work and finishing my Juilliard career. I'll have fun once I win at life. I really can't get distracted right now because I need to focus on my concerto for opening night. My parents are going to watch me perform. 

* * *

**The Thirty-Third Measure**

Thursday: October 1, 2020  
  
One day before opening night.  
  
"Everyone take ten while I get another cup of coffee", Maestro Gilbert orders before leaving the auditorium again.  
  
Reina and Karen relocated to the woodwind section again, Reina relaxing on top of Shori and Karen sitting next to her older sister, Shuuka. Chaeyoung was moving the percussion instruments back to the storage room before we would rehearse for my solo, yet again nobody was helping her. I was about to stand up and evade to the back of the auditorium to help Chaeyoung when I feel my own body weight dragging me down.  
  
It was Reina, who was grabbing me by the arm, "Mina, stay here. We need to talk."  
  
"About what?" I felt the nervous energy build within me.  
  
"What were you doing at In-N-Out with Dahyun and Jihyo on Monday?" Karen asked, eyeing me with mistrust, "We were looking out the window when you followed Dahyun and Jihyo to the parking garage. Don't tell me that you're hanging out with the Pops Orchestra members now."  
  
Yuzuna butt in, "Is that why you're not hanging out with us anymore?"   
  
Goddammit. I forgot that they were sitting by the window. But what troubled me more is how my friends surveyed every single move that I made, just like how my parents would monitor my practice sessions at home, and then question me. I'm shocked that they're not concerned about whether or not I was okay. If they saw Dahyun and Jihyo helping me up, then they should've seen me when I got pushed down.  
  
"You guys are being ridiculous", I said without thinking. Great, I sound like Nayeon now.  
  
Reina didn't catch that, "I'm sorry?"  
  
"Mina was just ordering take out so she could go back and study", Shuuka expounded, winking at me. _God bless this girl._  
  
"Study? With Dahyun and Jihyo?" Karen raised her brow.  
  
"What's wrong with Dahyun and Jihyo?" I asked, pretending to sound naïve.  
  
"I want to know too", Somi cut in with wide, inquisitive eyes.  
  
"They're in the fucking Pops Orchestra", Yuzuna begins, folding her arms and reclining in her seat, "Dahyun is the secretary and Jihyo is the vice-president of that ensemble. They're the ones who keep bickering with our president and concertmaster, Kai, about rehearsal space. The Pops Orchestra disturbs the peace facilitated by the Juilliard Orchestra. Chaeyoung is a member of that ensemble too, and she is a prime example of a "peace destroyer". Everything went just right when she wasn't a part of us."  
  
_But it's not Chaeyoung's fault that she can't play up to standards_ , is what I think but don't say because they'd think that I'm crazy.  
  
"I also hate Jihyo's guts", Karen Fujii, a violist, mumbles to herself. The two girls have tied in past competitions and she hates it because there was never an official winner. You couldn't cut a first place or second place trophy in half, so both girls just received dull certificates.  
  
"Okay, Mina", Reina revives the previous conversation, "We'll believe you. But just so you know, you can't hang out with those girls ever again."  
  
"Sure", I nodded nonchalantly.  
  
"Mina", Reina repeated coldly, "I mean it. I'm starting to think that you don't care about us anymore."  
  
_And I'm starting to think that you're becoming a nosy little shit._  
  
To ease the tension, Somi brings up another topic, "Are you guys going to the New York Philharmonic's opening night? It's the day after ours,"  
  
"Of course!" Shuuka exclaims, patting the younger girl on the head, "We have to be there since our parents are there. We're going to the after-party too, at that Gordon Ramsey restaurant next to In-N-Out. He's going to be there in person to cater us!"  
  
I have rehearsals with the Pops Orchestra that night, and we're supposed to be starting on _My Neighbor Totoro_. What are the others going to think if I ditch rehearsals for this foolish, high-class NY Philharmonic dinner party that I'm probably being forced to go to?  
  
"Your parents are going to kill you if you don't come", Yuzuna tries to intimidate me.  
  
Maestro Gilbert returns to the auditorium a couple of minutes later, "As you all may know, opening night is tomorrow. I'm going to let you guys off early so that all of you guys can get a good night's rest before opening night. We would be having a sound check at the David Geffen Hall at 3 p.m., another dress rehearsal at 5 p.m. and then the official concert at 7 p.m. Every single member of the Juilliard Orchestra would be excused from their Friday classes and must be allowed to make up any missed work over the weekend, including tests. This was a policy created by President Polisi himself, since he was a member of the Juilliard Orchestra in his days. It's equivalent to an executive order."  
  
Sighs of relief sauntered throughout the auditorium.  
  
"And one more thing", he unfolds a piece of paper in his hands, "On such a short notice, Chaekyung announced that she is going to be taking a break from Juilliard, returning to her hometown in South Korea to attend a funeral of an important family member. She will be making up work during her trip. I don't know how long she will be gone but in the meantime, I've recruited another fantastic horn player to take her place as principal horn."  
  
Oh don't tell me.  
  
"Everyone, meet our new principal horn", Maestro Gilbert escorts the blonde girl up to the stage, "Sana Minatozaki."  
  
I knew it.  
  
"Hi, Mina!" Sana cheerfully waives at me. Giggles roamed around the woodwind and brass sections, and it was because of Sana's attire — a white, oversized knitted sweater matched with a pair of black leggings and a Hello Kitty scarf with paws attached at the end, resembling mittens. To most people's eyes, she looked like an adorable grade schooler. But to me, it was just your average Sana Minatozaki. Chaeyoung was excited at this. Me? I don't even know what to think now that both Sana and Chaeyoung are members of the Juilliard Orchestra.

* * *

**BONUS (2 o'clock. The morning of The Juilliard Orchestra's opening night)**

Sowon, Umji, and Yuju — Mina Myoui's biggest fans — have been camping outside the entrance of the David Geffen Hall for six hours in hopes to acquire tickets to see their idol perform on stage. Not even the chilly weather could damper their spirits.

"What are you girls doing out here?" A staff member gapes inquisitively at the young girls as she unlocks the front doors of the concert hall.

"We want to see Mina, of course!" Umji, who is wrapped in a wool blanket, gleefully responded.

The staff member tilted her head, "The box office doesn't open until 5 p.m."

"But we want to be the first ones to purchase tickets!" Yuju advocated.

"You guys are going to get your tickets, no matter what!" The staff member tries to appease them, but to no avail.

"YOU NEVER KNOW!" Sowon, Umji, and Yuju shout in unison.

"Oh look, Mina is here for sound check!" The staff member notices, and then the three girls hide under their blankets so that Mina doesn't spot their pathetic presence.

* * *

**A/N : Sup readers! As most of you might've guessed, the next chapter will be all about Mina's performance. Let me hear about all of your predictions: is she going to succeed, or is she ultimately going to screw up? Let me know about your thoughts and I'll see you in the upcoming chapter!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuner - A tuner is a device used for measuring pitch, typically to the standard pitch of A440 (a stand A pitch), though there is a recent trend of many bands increasingly tuning sharper to A441, A442, or even A443. 
> 
> Bass Drum - A bass drum is a large drum that produces a note of low definite or indefinite pitch. The type usually seen or heard in orchestral, ensemble or concert band music is the orchestral, or concert bass drum. It is the largest drum of the orchestra.
> 
> Snare Drum - The snare drum or side drum is a percussion instrument that produces a sharp staccato sound when the head is struck with a drum stick. Snare drums are usually played with drum sticks, but the use of other beaters such as the brush or the rute can be used to achieve a very different sound. The snare drum is a versatile and expressive percussion instrument due its sensitivity and responsiveness to playing technique
> 
> Cymbals - A cymbal is a common percussion instrument. Cymbals are used in many ensembles ranging from the orchestra, percussion ensembles, jazz bands, heavy metal bands, and marching groups. Orchestral crash cymbals are traditionally used in pairs, each one having a strap set in the bell of the cymbal by which they are held. Such a pair is always known as crash cymbals or plates. Another use of cymbals is the suspended cymbal. This instrument takes its name from the traditional method of suspending the cymbal by means of a leather strap or rope, thus allowing the cymbal to vibrate as freely as possible for maximum musical effect. 
> 
> Triangle - The triangle is an idiophone type of musical instrument in the percussion family. The instrument is usually held by a loop of some form of thread or wire at the top curve. Most difficulties in playing the triangle come from the complex rhythms which are sometimes written for it, although it can also be quite difficult to control the level of volume. When the instrument is played with one beater, the hand that holds the triangle can also be used to damp or slightly modify the tone. For complex rapid rhythms, the instrument may be suspended from a stand and played with two beaters, although this makes it more difficult to control.
> 
> Mallets - A percussion mallet or beater is an object used to strike or beat a percussion instrument in order to produce its sound. Mallets used as drumsticks are often used to strike a marimba, xylophone, glockenspiel, metallophone, or vibraphone, collectively referred to as mallet percussion.
> 
> Glockenspiel - A glockenspiel is a percussion instrument composed of a set of tuned keys arranged in the fashion of the keyboard of a piano. In this way, it is similar to the xylophone; however, the xylophone's bars are made of wood, while the glockenspiel's are metal plates or tubes, thus making it a metallophone. The glockenspiel, moreover, is usually smaller and higher in pitch.
> 
> Marimba - The marimba is a percussion instrument consisting of a set of wooden bars struck with mallets to produce musical tones. Resonators suspended underneath the bars amplify their sound. The bars are arranged like the keys of a piano, with the groups of 2 and 3 accidentals raised vertically, overlapping the natural bars to aid the performer both visually and physically. This instrument is a type of idiophone, but with a more resonant and lower-pitched tessitura than the xylophone.
> 
> Vibraphone - The vibraphone (also known as the vibraharp or simply the vibes) is a musical instrument in the struck idiophone subfamily of the percussion family. Each bar is paired with a resonator tube that has a motor-driven butterfly valve at its upper end. The valves are mounted on a common shaft, which produces a tremolo or vibrato effect while spinning. The vibraphone also has a sustain pedal similar to that on a piano. With the pedal up, the bars are all damped and produce a shortened sound. With the pedal down, they sound for several seconds.
> 
> Xylophone - The xylophone is a musical instrument in the percussion family that consists of wooden bars struck by mallets. Each bar is an idiophone tuned to a pitch of a musical scale, whether pentatonic or heptatonic, or chromatic for orchestral use. Concert xylophones have tube resonators below the bars to enhance the tone and sustain. Frames are made of wood or cheap steel tubing: more expensive xylophones feature height adjustment and more stability in the stand.
> 
> Crotales - Crotales, sometimes called antique cymbals, are percussion instruments consisting of small, tuned bronze or brass disks. However, they may also be played by striking two disks together in the same manner as finger cymbals, or by bowing. Their sound is rather like a small tuned bell, only with a much brighter sound, and a much longer resonance. Like tuned finger cymbals, crotales are thicker and larger; they also have slight grooves in them which give their sound more sparkle.


	7. concerto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_concerto_  
Origin: Italian  
A musical composition for a solo instrument or instruments accompanied by an orchestra, especially one conceived on a relatively large scale  
  
****

**The Thirty-Fourth Measure**

Friday: October 2, 2020  
  
Oh god, what's hapening to me?  
  
My head really hurts.  
  
This entire week, I've found that the usual symptoms of whatever-the-heck-I-have have hidden from me and only decided to come out during the big day. In fact, I grieved for the entire week about this day, sometimes hiding my anguish until I reached the sanctuary of my room or the practice rooms. I didn't even tell any of the Pops Orchestra members about this condition. I was usually good at hiding my tears of pain from everyone else. However, today was the first time this week when I cried in front of all the orchestra members, during freaking dress rehearsals.  
  
"What's the matter, Mina?" Kai, in place of Maestro Gilbert (who is getting yet, another coffee), halted the entire orchestra to focus on their star soloist, which is me, "You seem tense. It shows in your playing too".   
  
"Sorry..." I muttered, immediately ducking my head as I hugged my bassoon closer to my chest, praying that it doesn't slip out of my hands.  
  
"Okay, lets end it at that", Kai announced, setting away Maestro's baton and tidying music scores, "Mina, go and get some rest before tonight."  
  
While the orchestra members pack their belongings and left the auditorium, Sana and Chaeyoung worryingly trotted up to me and kneeled. I'm crying as I burried my head in my arms, merely to the point where my tears nearly overflowed my eyes. It was abnormal to see Sana and Chaeyoung comfort me, especially since Chaeyoung might still be upset with me not defending her in the face of bullying. But then again, ever since Sana joined the Juilliard Orchestra in Chaekyung's place, Chaeyoung always follows her around because she has no other friends in this ensemble.  
  
Sana placed an assuring hand on my shoulder, "Are you okay?"  
  
She received no response.  
  
"She must've been stressed from practicing. I bet she's disappointed with her playing", Chaekyung explained to Sana, knowing that she's quite the perfectionist herself, "I've been through that experience as well. Some people feel that they're not good enough and in the end, they're not satisfied with themselves. In this orchestra, Mina is pressured to play so well because her parents are in the audience."  
  
Sana cocked her head at Chaekyung's revelation, "I don't get it, though. I thought that her playing wasn't bad at all".  
  
"It isn't bad at all", Chaekyung nodded, "But she's not only striving to perfect the piece itself, she's trying to please her parents."  
  
"Hmm..." The blonde girl couldn't add to what Chaekyung had just said, but instead, Chaeyoung had another idea.

**Let's go dress shopping!**

"Great idea, Chaenggie! Let's go dress shopping!", Sana optimistically suggested, "It'll take your mind off the stress you're facing".  
  
Chaekyung agreed, "Good idea! Not to mention that you'll still need a dress for opening night."  
  
She's right. I don't have a dress for my concerto tonight. In a classical music setting, the soloist would always wear a dress that differs from the rest of the ensemble members to show that they're the spectacle for the night.  
  
Much to their relief, I was brought back to reality from my sobbing after the throbbing pain from my headache subsided. However, there was still a sign of weakness arousing my internal senses, hiding from my friends. Wiping off my tears with the cotton sleeve of my off-shoulder sweater, Sana and Chaeyoung helped me up to my feet.  
  
"Chaekyung, will you have time to hang out with us?" Sana spoke in her usual squeaky voice.   
  
"Man, I wish I did", she sighed, glancing at the time on her Swiss watch "But my flight for South Korea leaves in three hours and I don't want to get caught up in traffic heading to the airport."  
  
Chaeyoung wrote something in her notebook.

**Have a safe flight!**

"Aww... thanks Chaeng", Chaekyung picked up on the nickname that Sana used for her dear friend, "Oh, and Mina. Good luck tonight!"  
  
"Thanks", my voice cracked.  
  
"I'll just invite Jeongyeon to come with us then", Sana decided, "She's the only one in our group who has a car. It'll be much faster than taking the subway."

* * *

**The Thirty-Fifth Measure**

As soon as the orchestra members evacuated the auditorium, the three of us headed out to Jeongyeon's car as she drives us to Times Square, among all places, for our shopping spree. Although Sana and Jeongyeon are discussing frivolous topics in the front row, Chaeyoung and I remained silent in the backseats with me and Sana’s instrument cases and everyone’s backpacks/purses. Now that I think about it, it kind of sucks when you're not able to communicate with Chaeyoung at all because she uses a different language — sign language.  
  
In the meantime, I gandered at the small charm suspending from the car’s front mirror — [Blake Belladonna from RWBY?](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/26/cf/f3/26cff32e9d7684d9aa264799b56cc6be.jpg) I only know of the series because Minami and Juri Takahashi are huge fans of it. I held my instrument case as I wondered aimlessly as to whether or not Jeongyeon is a huge nerd. I mean, she likes Pokémon too and she still hasn't given up on [GO](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pok%C3%A9mon_Go).  
  
"We're here!", Jeongyeon vivaciously announced as she made her way to the back door to escort me and Chaeyoung outside.  
  
Since I spent most of my childhood growing up in a strict household, there was never enough time for me to indulge in fashion and spend time being a “real” teenager. My mother took control of my elegant gowns and other formal wear for me. Thus I was never exposed to that kind of culture until I became independent and started to study music at Juilliard, in the metropolitan city of New York City. But even then, instead of spending hours wandering around outlets and wasting my money on clothes, I would have rather use my time to broadened my knowledge of classical music and improve my skills in my primary instrument instead of doing empty-headed activities.  
  
My private instructor, Mr. Cseszenky, always asked me about what I wanted to wear for concerts, but I never truly cared about my attire as long as I looked presentable. If anything, I would prefer comfortable clothes over anything upscale and trendy because I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a tight dress for three hours, the normal duration of an orchestral concert. Also, I need to be able to breathe.  
  
We headed to Forever 21, which was sandwiched in between the Disney store and Swarovski. Unlike most Forever 21 stores, this particular store was colossal, boasting multiple floors and various clothing selections. Sana guided me to the dress section while Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung wandered off to another section. I learned that Chaeyoung wanted to go shopping not because I didn't have a dress, but because she didn't have a dress for the concert either.  
  
"Is there a particular dress that you're looking for?", Sana asked as she browsed at a selection of pink dresses.  
  
I glared at the tenacious horn player, “Oh my god. Anything but pink. Please."  
  
“You don’t like pink?” Sana looked surprised.  
  
“Not for a classical concert”, I shook my head.  
  
"Come here real quick", Jeongyeon motioned me to come closer as she scans my body assets.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" I question as she touches me in places where I’d rather not be touched.  
  
"To tell you the truth, bassoon-chan, you have a really hot, womanlike body figure", she commented and I felt like obliterating her after she called me 'hot'. "Even though you have toned legs and your height is below an average American female, you have a nice chest and very broad shoulders. Perhaps you should wear something that'll accent your upper body, like a strapless dress and a necklace that draws emphasis to your chest. Since your body is also slender, long dresses would look more fitting for you rather than short dresses. Dresses with long skirts emphasize tall-statured people more, but I think that you’d fit into one quite nicely."  
  
Damn. I didn’t know that Jeongyeon was quite the fashion analyst.  
  
"Strapless dresses? Emphasis to my chest? Wouldn't that be too provocative?" I hesitantly asked, picturing myself wearing those sexy dresses she saw on display at the entrance of the store.  
  
"It's not going to be as disturbing since the audience is going to focus more on your playing rather than your attire", Sana mentioned, "Especially since the Juilliard School is the best music school in the entire world, the critics are going to be more interested in your skill level, not your entire body."  
  
“You wear a neck strap too, I reckon”, Jeongyeon guessed, “To hold your bassoon?”  
  
"I guess..." my soft voice faltered off as I watched Jeongyeon and Sana leaf through a selection of long dresses.  
  
"Little duck, can I embroider your neck strap?" Sana pleaded, rubbing my arm.  
  
I slapped her hand, "NO!"   
  
Eventually, Chaeyoung returned to our section, dragging along a tall girl with long, wavy brown hair and fair skin. She looked like a supermodel but her clothes were so casual, the ubiquitous look all the college girls had: tight jeans, wide necked sweater and cute brown boots. As soon as the girl made eye contact with me, she screamed out of amazement. Her eyes were getting watery.  
  
"Who is this?" I asked Sana, pointing at the taller girl standing next to Chaeyoung.  
  
"Oh, that's Sowon", Sana told me, "President of your fanclub."  
  
"I enlisted her help in choosing your dress for tonight. I basically gave her the same bodily description that I described to you earlier and had her pick out a couple of dresses that meet these standards", Jeongyeon grinned, "Sowon has been thrilled to meet y—"  
  
The taller girl grabbed Jeongyeon by her shirt collar, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT MINA WAS _ACTUALLY_ GOING TO BE HERE!"  
  
"Of course she needs to be here. To try on her dress!" Jeongyeon snickers at the startled fangirl, and then she snatches both of us by the wrist, "Now shake hands, you two."  
  
"Nice to meet you, pres", I held out my hand for her to shake.  
  
Sowon barely reaches out her hand to place her fingertips on mine, "N-Nice to meet you too!"  
  
"You're very pretty", I told her.  
  
"EEEEEK!" Sowon squealed, drawing back her hand from my grasp out of surprise, "MINA CALLED ME PRETTY! I'M _DEADED_!"  
  
_Is this bitch okay?_  
  
After Sowon was brought back from her fangirling state, she walked back to one of the clothing racks with her preferred alignment of dresses, flashing them in front of my eyes, "S-Sorry for possibly startling you. I picked out these dresses for you to try on, i-if you dont mind."  
  
"Chaeyoung will take care of your instrument. Go on and try these dresses that she picked out for you", Jeongyeon instructs. I hand her my case and obeyed her directions. I headed towards the dressing room to try on an abundance of dresses that Sowon had selected. After about an hour of changing, I finally came to a conclusion of what dress I'm going to wear for my solo for opening night. By the time I finished, Sowon, Jeongyeon, Chaeyoung, and Sana were already waiting outside my changing booth, impatiently anticipating my choice.  
  
"Mina!" Sana called, "Can I see you in your chosen dress?"  
  
Eyes peaking out from the changing booth curtains, I stepped outside in my dress while taking a great interest at the marbled floor beneath me. The dress was red and charming — an evening gown with a jeweled bodice and a sweetheart neckline, and a full-length skirt that is trimmed with an asymmetrical hem to give off a graceful look.   
  
"OH SHIT!" Jeongyeon gasped, "You look like a queen! A _hot_ queen!"  
  
I had to blush at that.  
  
"Mina, you're so HOT!" Sana whips out her smartphone to take numerous pictures as if she were a part of the paparazzi during a red carpet event.  
  
"You're a genius, Sowon", Jeongyeon gave the fanclub president an expression of approval, "Did you see Mina, yet?"  
  
Sowon opens up her eyes, slowly and timidly, anxious at the result of her choosing.  
  
"OH MY GAAAHH", Sowon is at a loss for words, "I think I need an ambulance because I can't fucking breathe."  
  
"Girl, calm down", I tell her, "This is just one of my many dresses."   
  
"This is perfect!" Jeongyeon squeals before she gets all poetic up in our asses, "The dark-red hues representing passion, strength, determination, and a fiery desire for victory and glory. Such an emotionally intense color, just like the nature of Jolivet's hard-as-hell concerto."  
  
"Mina, turn around!" Sana, now acting as my unofficial photographer, demands to see the rest of my assets.  
  
"I don't mean to rush you guys, but the concert is in an hour", I say.  
  
"You're right", Jeongyeon nods, "And you still have to change into your black dress for the first half of the concert."  
  
As soon as Sana finished taking a batch of pictures, I escaped behind the velvet curtains to change back into my concert black dress while Sowon heads to the cashier to pay for my chosen dress. When I finished changing, she walked outside to meet up with her two accompanying friends. Me, Sana, and Chaeyoung file in Jeongyeon's gigantic white van.  
  
Chaeyoung and I are sitting in the back again, still keeping to ourselves before Chaeyoung pulls her notebook out of her backpack:

**You look beautiful.**

I nodded at her as a way of saying "thanks". It felt good to hear Chaeyoung give me another positive note in a long time.

* * *

**The Thirty-Sixth Measure**

I guess I'm feeling a lot better now.  
  
Sana and Chaeyoung followed me to the bathroom, where I stripped off my concert black attire and changed into my solo dress. The two girls were adjusting my strapless red dress so that it doesn't suddenly slide off my body in the middle of my performance.   
  
_Ein Heldenleben_ was an astounding success thanks to Sana. The crowd was thrilled at her rendition of the "hero" figure and at the end of the final movement, Jeongyeon shouted "brava!" and the rest of the audience stamped their feet in excitement. Her debut with the Juilliard Orchestra would be considered a success to those who genuinely enjoy music or don't have much knowledge about the art itself. However, a few critics and quite a handful of the Juilliard Orchestra members started to criticize the blonde girl's somewhat-stellar performance, ranting about how she didn't follow the score or defied the Maestro's hand or something like that. I didn't pay attention to the whole conversation but I was astounded.  
  
I thought that Sana did well.  
  
Chaeyoung, on the other hand, did not make much of a presence even though she was barefoot again. The percussion members had the small girl stand in the back with a pair of crash cymbals, only so that nobody would notice her. To be honest, It was kind of a sad thing to see.  
  
"Mina, you ready for your solo?" Sana ensures as she zipped the back of my dress.  
  
"I'm just hoping that I don't pass out", I answered.  
  
"Don't worry about whether you're going to pass out or not", Sana whispered to me, "Just keep playing until you've had enough."  
  
"Easy for you to say", I mumbled.  
  
"Is your mom and dad going to watch you or something?" Sana asked.  
  
I totally forgot that my parents were going to view my performance. And in addition to that, I have to ditch Juilliard Pops Orchestra rehearsals tomorrow because the New York Philharmonic is having their opening night the day after ours, with a dinner party following suit. Dinner parties are the worst because me and the families of my friends would come together and brag about their children's accomplishments. Those were the only days where my parents would actually compliment me before putting me at the stake again.  
  
Sana tilts her head, "Is there something that you're not telling me, Mina?"  
  
"Wha— huh?" I blanked out.  
  
"You know that your secrets are safe with us, right?"   
  
I rolled my eyes, "Psh. Says the one who told Jihyo and the others about my past Pokémon addiction."  
  
"I promise that _this_ secret will be safe with us, me and Chaeyoung", Sana heaved a heavy sigh. She translates our conversation to Chaeyoung using sign language, and then Chaeyoung rebounds another hand sign back to the blonde girl. "Chaeyoung says so too."  
  
I open my mouth for one second, "I think that my health is in a—"  
  
"Mina! What are you guys doing? We're on standby!" Kai warns, swinging the door of the women's restroom wide open for the world to see.  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THE LADIES' RESTROOM? GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I THROW MY MOUTHPIECE AT YOU!" Sana boldly intimidates the negligent concertmaster, loosening her horn's mouthpiece from its lead pipe. Kai escapes the facility before she could strike him.  
  
Chaeyoung taps my shoulder and flashes her notebook in front of my face:

**Are you sick?**

I shrugged, not knowing how to answer that question.

* * *

**The Thirty-Seventh Measure**

My turn now. The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.  
  
_Alright, Mina. You better get your shit together._  
  
Once the orchestra finished filling up their seats, Maestro Gilbert cues concertmaster Kai to come up to the stage and shake his hand, and lastly, he calls me to advance towards the center stage. The moment I exit the dark, backstage corridors and enter onto the brightly-lit stage, my mind begins to feel fuzzy from the exceptional applause as my vision begins to blur slightly. I could hear Jeongyeon, Jihyo, Momo, Dahyun, and Tzuyu screaming at me from the balcony seats while holding up poster boards with my name on it.  
  
"YAAAASSSS GURL, GET IT!" Jihyo hollers in her boisterous voice.  
  
Then Momo stood up from her chair, "SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!"  
  
"Fuck it up!" Tzuyu follows.  
  
"Make that concerto your bitch!" Dahyun yells next to her cellist girlfriend.  
  
I'm so embarrassed now.  
  
"MINA! MARRY ME!" Sowon follows up with this high-pitched cry that could ressemble a little girl getting murdered, "I WANT YOUR BABIES!"  
  
_Jesus Christ._  
  
With Sowon's whimsical proclamation, the audience enlightens in awe at her announcement of dedicated love towards me. But I'm just fretting about what my parents would think if they figured out that I have a strange fanbase lurking around the Juilliard School. Maestro Gilbert turns around to shake my hand when he whispers something in my ears — something among the lines of, "You have very weird friends." And just to make things clear, I don't consider Sowon as my friend yet. I don't get attached to people that easily.  
  
I went back to the center stage and prepared for my performance, fastening my bassoon's neck strap. Then the lights dimmed and Maestro Gilbert raised his baton.  
  
And [Jolivet's Concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpvUxvMHVyI) began.  
  
Swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, I timidly nodded at the conductor to initiate the piece. As I waited for  part, my heart began to tremble with every progressing stroke from the accompanying string section. My bassoon suddenly begin to feel uncomfortably heavy as I'm standing up and carrying it in the air instead of sitting down like I normally do. The moment the first movement ended and I began to hoist the heavy instrument again (In my mind, it felt unwieldy) to my twitching lips, a knifelike pain shot at my chest as if the sharp bones of my ribcage was trying to penetrate my lungs, forcibly squeezing out all its remaining air until those short phrases ended. I ignored the pain as I continued.  
  
Maybe it's because Jolivet's Concerto is so hard.  
  
I shook the thought off my head and prepared for the next movement. _You got this, Mina! You're doing good so far. You made no mistakes._  
  
But before the second movement could even commence, my head started to thump as if a hammer took a blow to my skull. I wasn't aware of the fact that I let out a soft squeal that sounded like a lucid bell in the midst of complete silence. I prayed that no one would notice that it was me. When I focused on my sheet music, my vision was becoming disoriented as the picture of the audience in front of me began to blur. My eyesight was swimming in confusion at the time signatures and the triplets and the dynamics. I feel dizzy.  
  
_No. Not now, please._  
  
After the successful yet excrutiating solo, I let out another rigid sigh as soon as I felt a throbbing headache coming on, clutching my bassoon while the audience exchanges comments with one another. With the second movement ending on a whim, the conductor lowered his baton before inaugurating the third movement, ensuring that I try to catch my breath before suddenly starting in my disposition.  
  
The third movement was a lot better, in my opinion.   
  
Even though I had to endure the arduous task of completing the softer-sounding portions of my solo, my tone sounded genuinely warm and inviting, something I didn't expect from the beginning. The gleaming high notes from earlier begins to transition into duskier low ones. The audience was clearly enlightened by the mellow, sentimental song as my tender bassoon takes its slow waltz with the compassionate string section. I gave myself a small smile as Jihyo, even from afar, mouthed a silent 'good job' to me.  
  
However, it wasn't long until halfway through the fourth movement when my upper body decided to give me more hell. And if that wasn't enough, the solo portion near the end made it worse as the accompanying sounds began to fade in the background, leaving me to fend for myself without making a noticeable mistake. With every loud and high note I was busting out of my instrument, I felt that my brain was digging into my face like a rough dagger jabbing at me.  And then—  
  
_No. This can't be happening._  
  
[My ears](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HIfqyHbKgY).  
  
_I can't hear anything._  
  
Is the Maestro still conducting? Is the orchestra still playing? Am I still playing?  
  
I still roll with the flow, blowing and fingering as correctly as I can. My headache proceeded to grow even more painful and unbearable to stand. I wince in pain and a tear rolls down my cheek. I feel like I'm going to pass out.  
  
I can't do this anymore. My head hurts. My ears hurt. My cheeks hurt. My jaw hurts. My tongue hurts. My lips hurt. Holy crap, everything hurts from my skull to my face. But I need to continue. I need to finish this damn piece. _No, no, no, no, no, NO!!! Why is this happening to me?_  
  
After I stop at what I think is the long note, I open my eyes to see this scene: Everyone is standing up and applauding. Jeongyeon and the others leaped to their feet and are shouting something cryptic to me. I don't know what they're saying; I can't hear them.   
  
My eyes intuitively manuever over to my parents, who aren't standing and clapping from their seats like everyone else. They're just gawking at me as if I'm some alien from another planet. My face pales from their dull reaction. I look down at my hand and it looks like it's painted with whitewash. I can't feel my face nor my fingers in the aftermath of Jolivet's rigorous concerto. I'm dead-set on passing out, so I hastily shake Maestro Gilbert's hand and dash stage-right in my high heels. Sana abruptly gets up from her seat backstage and runs up to me, her horn dangling in her left hand. I remove my neck strap and hand over the bassoon to the horn player before I feel completely disoriented.  
  
Sana says something to me. I can't hear her either.   
  
_*THUMP*_  
  
I sprint for the women's restroom when suddenly, I trip on an electrical cord and my head hits the ground.  
  
Sana hoisted me up and deliberately shook my numb body, trying to talk to me.  
  
"I can't hear you!" I yelled horrifically at her. The sound of my shrill voice made my ears vibrate in the same fashion as before, but this time sounding a thousand times more deafening with the accompaniment of a ton of clapping hands and hollering voices from the audience section.  
  
But Sana didn't realize what hit me next. The stray wire hit my body so hard, that I couldn't even handle my own strength. My heart began to race as my chest tightened, feeling as if the center of my head — right behind the nasal cavity — was being pulled. I'm undoubtedly lightheaded, my vision swarming in unspeculated cycles before my head slammed against the ground hard. Without notice, the hardwood floor hit me like a rock, demanding pain to be felt. Sana was shouting something at me, but I blacked out before I could even communicate with her.

* * *

** BONUS (Earlier that evening before opening night, after the members of Mina's fanclub bought their tickets) **

Scanning through the dresses, Sowon noticed a short figure hiding in the clothing rack, as a pair of legs stuck out from below. Her forehead wrinkled in confusion as she stared at that person's legs with wide eyes of bewilderment and suspicion. She didn't know if she was hallucinating or not as she darted her eyes back and forth. Stealing her nerves, she pulled away the two dresses that sandwiched the two girls.

"JJANG!" The hiding girls turned out to be Umji and Yuju, who held several bikini tops in one hand and bikini bottoms in the other.

"Why are you two picking out swimsuits?" Sowon raised an eyebrow at the redhanded fangirls — her little minions.

"You said that we're picking out clothes for Mina, right?" Umji said encouragingly, peering her eyes at Mina's body figure, "These might look good on her."

Sowon stared skeptically at her, "Why would it make sense to wear a bikini during a classical concert?"

"YOU'D NEVER KNOW!" Yuju cut in, "Juilliard might have a indoor pool!"

"Nice try, you little shits. Put those back to where they belong. Jeongyeon assigned us a very important mission vital to Mina's success", Sowon chided as she dragged the guilty girls away from the swimsuit section, "We're trying to woo Mina, not scare her."

"Hey, you guys!" Jeongyeon calls, "Take a look at Mina's dress!"

Sowon, Yuju, and Umji rush to the dressing room after hearing two significant words — "Mina" and "dress". Sowon laughs, hides her face away from Mina because the idea of that girl in a long and sexy dark red dress that accents her slim figure would make her go crazy. And to add onto that image, she had pearl studded-earrings and diamonds that sat on her wine-colored hair, tied up into an elegant bun by Jeongyeon, so majestic and well-put together that she looks like a Roman goddess trekking the mortal world.

"FUCK ME, MINA! YOU'RE SO CUTE!" Yuju squeals without shame.

"Shut your mouth, Choi Yuna!" Sowon covers the dark-haired girl's mouth with her hand, "Mina's coming!"

"Hey Sowon", the beautiful bassoon player smiled, "Thanks for the dress. You have a great sense of style!"

"OH!" the frantic president flips out, "Y-Y-You're welcome, M-M-Mina!"

Umji shook Sowon's shoulders, "SHE TALKED TO YOU! OMG!"

"HOLY SHIT!" Yuju screams, frightening the other customers and Forever 21 staff members, "SHE ACTUALLY TALKED TO YOU!"

"Okay, girls. Calm down", Jeongyeon tells them.

"Are you guys coming tonight?" Sana asks.

"You bet your motherfucking ass we are!" Yuju grins creepily, "We've been in line for tickets since—"

"Don't reveal that!" Sowon warns, "Mina is going to think that we're weird."

"Like saesaeng fans?" Umji cocked her head.

"Yeah... something like that." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Practice Room - A room, often soundproof, designed for musicians to practice their inst
> 
> Time Signature - The time signature is a notational convention used in Western musical notation to specify how many beats (pulses) are to be contained in each bar and which note value is to be given one beat.
> 
> Triplets - A triplet is a rhythm playing three notes in the space of two. That is, three evenly spaced notes in the space of two notes of the same rhythmic value.


	8. ostinato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_ostinato_  
Origin: Italian, from 'obstinate'  
A continually repeated musical phrase or rhythm

**The Thirty-Eighth Measure**

Saturday: October 3, 2020  
  
"Mina..." a soft voice tickled my ear.  
  
My eyelids flutter open.  
  
"Ring! Ring! Ring! Minaring! WAKE UP!" An energetic Momo Hirai shook my body vigorously, vitalizing my senses.  
  
"Moguri, be careful. We don't want her IV drip to detatch from bassoon-chan's arm", Jeongyeon calms down the hyperactive violinist with her composed, soothing voice.  
  
I was lost, having no idea how I ended up here. Not even having a single clue about what happened a few hours ago except that Sana was the last person whom I saw before I fell asleep. After Jeongyeon mentioned an IV drip, my eyes immediately jolted open and navigated towards my left arm where there is in fact, a hollow needle inserted through my vein and connected to a liquid substance contained in a plastic bag dangling from a hook. And just before I thought things could get even more bizarre, I find that my body is draped in a white hospital gown rather than the red dress from last night. My hair was let down from its tight, elegant bun and I was no longer wearing any jewelry.  
  
_Oh shit. Did I actually pass out backstage?_  
  
"Oh, she's waking up!" A high-pitched voice followed. Must've been Sana.  
  
I rubbed my fingers along the silken mattress under my body, pressing my cheek to the cool, cotton pillows that supported my head. The mist in my eyes clear up and I could see a white light hovering over me, sitting against pale blue walls. I'm not in my dorm room; I'm in the school infirmiry on the twenty-second floor of the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall. The bed on my right turned out to be occupied, but there was no one sleeping there. You can tell that the person sleeping on the second bed sleepwalked somewhere else, as the bedsheets were in mild disarray and that there were clothes scattered on top of it. The bed on my left had another girl, possibly a dance major, still dressed in her fishnet tights and black leotard. She was curled up into a ball as if she were a puppy or a kitten, hugging her knees in an attempt to keep warm. Her quiet beauty was accented by her pure, authentic face as her shoulder-length, caramel brown hair and versatile bangs were shambled from all the tossing and turning.  
  
And then in front of me, I could see Sana, Chaeyoung, and the core Pops Orchestra members excluding Nayeon — President Jeongyeon, Co-Vice Presidents Momo and Jihyo, Secretary Dahyun, and Treasurer Tzuyu. Sana has my bassoon case coddled in her arms.  
  
"Is our wittle duck okay?" she said in a baby-like voice.  
  
"Shut up", I mumbled.  
  
"The doctors told me that they want to keep you here for three days to see if you're having any other complications", Jeongyeon explicated, "Also, Momoring bought you some snacks and Sana stashed your red dress back in your dorm room. She's also holding your instrument too."  
  
I nearly spit out the gummy worms that Momo fed me, "Three days?"  
  
"Is that an issue?" Tzuyu cocked her head.  
  
"I can't sit here and ponder in bed for three whole days!" I freaked out, tossing my pillow aside, "I have homework to do, reeds to make, private lessons, individual practice, and freaking Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals."  
  
"Don't forget Pops Orchestra rehearsals", Dahyun slipped in.  
  
"Dr. Schmidhuber said that you can leave whenever you want, but he might pull you out of your daily life for random check-ups", Jihyo clarified with a smile, as if it was a good thing that I was going to get abducted by some random guy in a lab coat during some inexplicable point of time in my school day, "But don't worry about missing Pops Orchestra rehearsals because Dahyun will keep you posted through our Twitter page and Sana, Chaeyoung, and I can give you the updates. It's better to be safe than sorry and we'd prefer that you get some rest."  
  
"Yeah, Mina", Sana agreed, "Don't kick yourself straight to the curve. It's not over yet."  
  
_Easy for you to say..._  
  
A response slipped out of my mouth, "I guess I did mess up last night."  
  
"Are you kidding me?" Dahyun exclaims incredulously as she plucks out a newspaper from her backpack, "You fucking killed it out there! Like how Harry Potter killed Voldemort, like how Tarrlok killed himself and Amon, like how the U.S. killed Osama Bin Laden, and—"  
  
"Dubu, we get it", Tzuyu scolded, "Read the damn _New York Times_ article."  
  
"Ahem", the double bassist clears her throat before reading the article aloud, starting with the headline and then moving onto the actual review itself, "Mina Myoui Conquers the Beast that is Jolivet's Concerto a.k.a. a Bassoon Player's Worst Nightmare. Last Friday night, Alan Gilbert of the New York Philharmonic drove the Juilliard's School most prized ensemble — The Juilliard Orchestra — to a flourishing start to their 2020/2021 concert season after being welcomed by a standing ovation delivered from a vast crowd of two thousand spectators. Although it is apparent that every single student standing on the stage of the David Geffen Hall had worked extremely hard and carved out some spare time from their packed schedules, there was a distinct young woman who truly wooed the masses out there — those who came to watch the performance live and those who streamed the concert through their television screens or through PBS's and BBC's website."  
  
My knees buckled after I realized that my performance was broadcasted live.  
  
Momo carried out the rest of the review after Dahyun had ran out of breath from reading too fast, "Mina Myoui, the distinguished child prodigy who has been taking the classical music world by storm after her win at the Grammy's, expertly showcased the wide range of the bassoon, breadth of expression, and contrast of moods in André Jolivet's stringent concerto. As the only daughter of parents who are two remarkable musical figures in their own right, Mina did not disappoint once again and continued to carry out highly technical, clear-cut performances with absolutely no flaws in between."  
  
And then Tzuyu continued, "I didn't quite understand the hype matriculated from her fans at first, but I must submit to the fact that I've becomed enamored by the way she portrays the bassoon, not as another background character hidden behind the main act, but rather as a melodramatic male baritone operatic singer from Vienna or Salzburg. My friends, Mina is no background character; she **is** the main act. She, Mr. Gilbert, and the accompanying strings beautifully conveyed the electrifying conflicts and complexities of Jolivet's piece, especially in the final movement where Mina's warm, subtle playing culminates into an enthralling finale with skillfully executed articulations and effects that suit the capabilities of one of the most complicated instruments that could ever be learned."  
  
Jihyo throws the newspaper on my blanket for me to keep, "See Mina? That journalist from the freaking _New York Times_ gave you a rave review!"  
  
I should feel mesmerized by this experience but to be honest, it sounds like every other review that I've read about my past performances. And even though others might praise me, I don't see it as praise until I gain the approval of both of my parents (which I almost never do).  
  
"That's such a long review", Sana exhaled, worn out from shifting her eyes all around the news article.  
  
"There's more to it", Dahyun explained and I was brought back to my anxious senses again. _What more could this guy write about?_  
  
Finally, Jeongyeon read aloud the last paragraph from her own copy of this week's _New York Times_ issue, "I did not ignore the fact that Mina seemed like she was in pain, given that she clutched her chest during rests and massaged her temples at some points during the first and second halves of opening night. Yet I felt that something was burning in her core as she ran through every ringing note with ease and dexterity, not caring if she was going to pass out from playing some clusterfuck of a concerto. With the gradual onset of affliction increasing over every minute, it seemed as if her lungs were starting to catch on fire, burning a flame of both opposing contexts: Boldness and pain. Yes, it hurts to play a massive headache of a thirteen-minute concerto, but her mindset was keeping her going, determined not to make some sad excuse. With the final movement reaching its impending crescendo, her buoyant high notes soared amongst the sonorous sounds of her prominent orchestra before coming to a dramatic close provoking the audience to give her a testimonial recognition for her perseverance. And with all that hardship right behind her, she finished the concerto with utmost triumph as the audience explodes in applause with gratitude for her dauntless, stouthearted demeanor. The once introverted, demure child prodigy has made another mark on the musical world in front of masses of harsh critics, arbitrary judges, and her fellow musicians standing proudly on the stage with her, giving their short bow. Indeed, she was truly the kindled flame that ignited the brightest star in the azure sky. I hope that Mina Myoui will have a long and prosperous career."  
  
The newspaper pathetically falls onto my lap after Jeongyeon had read the last paragraph of the article. My chest burns with mild panic because I thought that I would be good at hiding my pain from other people. I only pray that my parents didn't pay attention to my bodily expressions onstage.  
  
"Where the hell did you buy that newspaper?" I worringly asked Dahyun.  
  
She bursted into a wry laughter, "I didn't buy it, stupid. I stole it."  
  
"You did what?"  
  
Jeongyeon interrupted me, "Bottom line is to stop hitting yourself over the head with a sledgehammer. You did fine! You should give yourself a pat on the back for not passing out onstage. Minimal mistakes are just part of the littlest things in life."  
  
Littlest things? These girls obviously did not grow up in New York City the same way as I did. One small blunder accumulates to even bigger blunders which could say goodbye to my career and my family forever — kick my little ball of talent over the cables of the Brooklyn Bridge and let it sail down the East River until it finally loses itself in the Atlantic Ocean.  
  
"Hey, Mina. Want me to give you back 'Mikasa'?" Sana questions and all eyes in the room fall on me.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Your bassoon."  
  
_Goddammit Sana. I don't call her that anymore._  
  
"You really are a nerd, bassoon-chan", Jeongyeon chuckled, rumpling my hair with her rough hands. Dahyun's laugh was the loudest of them all as the seven girls standing before my bed began to poke fun at me. I flipped them off and scrambled to change into normal clothes from my hospital gown.  
  
"Shut up! All of you!" My cheeks were turning into a deep shade of red, "I don't even like _Attack on Titan_ anymore."  
  
"Sure you don't", Momo teases by pinching my cheek. I slap her arm in return.  
  
"Can all of you leave while I change?" I demand.  
  
Tzuyu wrinkled her brow, "Where are you going?"  
  
"I need to practice", I said, retrieving my bassoon case from Sana.  
  
"We don't have classes today", Sana persuaded, "It's Saturday."  
  
"What? You guys don't practice over the weekends?" I asked quizzically while slinking into my Juilliard hoodie. These girls are out of their minds if they think that they can slither by any given performance with little to no practice during their free time.  
  
"Not really", Momo blurts, hastily finishing the six-ounce packet of gummy worms that I left on the tableside.  
  
"We like to kick it at Dubu and Chewy's one-bedroom apartment at The Bronx and play some good 'ol _Super Smash Bros._ or some shit like that", Jeongyeon elucidated in such a way that one would've mistook her for a hispter (she might be one, though), "Hey bassoon-chan, you should come."  
  
_Really, The Bronx?_ "Why that far?"  
  
"Rent is cheaper there", Tzuyu chews on the used cigar poking out of her mouth, "Dahyun and I are not native New-Yorkers."  
  
"We hail from College Station", Dahyun speaks in a sterotypical Texan accent, "And for the record, we're not republicans. As an uncloseted lesbian who is dating a rather closeted lesbian, we don't mingle well with the right-wingers nor the conservatives."  
  
"So, Mina. You coming?" Jihyo requests again, "Next Sunday at their place. We're ordering nachos and quesadillas while playing _Cards Against Humanity_."  
  
_And possibly while getting drunk too. I am not roping myself into another hangover._  
  
"No thank you", I answer.  
  
"Eh? Why not?"  
  
"I'm busy", I said, "And plus, I don't like Mexican food."  
  
"You're always busy!" Momo whines.  
  
"The fact that you're against Mexican food means that you're against humanity", Dahyun castigates.  
  
I huff, "That doesn't make any sense!"  
  
"You don't make any sense!" the diminutive double bassist sticks her tongue out at me.  
  
"Mina's been like that since she was little. Picky eater, always occupied with Juilliard Orchestra Rehearsals and coursework", Sana elaborates on my little life story again, "And if you think that she's not occupied, she's either making reeds or confining herself to the hells of the practice room."  
  
"Maybe another time, then", Jihyo stays resolute. I don't make any promises with her.

* * *

**The Thirty-Ninth Measure**

_Mom would like something like this, right?_ , is what I'm thinking as I'm sitting in front of the bathroom mirror, cautiously rotating my sleek, dark red hair with a curling iron and pondering about whether or not I should wear this expensive, slim-fitted burgundy evening dress. Biting my lip, I peer at my complexion as I nervously twirl the silk fabric of my skirt with my fingers. Suddenly, my phone vibrates on the sink counter, displaying the time.  
  
Oh crap, I'm running late.  
  
I swipe on my last layer of lip gloss and stuff the container in my makeup pouch. I throw a beige coat over my shoulders and got the hell out of my dormitory, scampering in my four-inch heels, the golden bangles clinking against each other. My vision is slightly obscured from the amount of mascara that I applied to my eyelashes, but now I can't be hindered by those trivial things.  
  
The New York Philharmonic also had their opening night at the David Geffen Hall, season ticket holders camping outside the venue with tents and sleeping bags, waiting for the doors of the building to open. Because the committee decided to renovate the bottom floor to make it a standing area, there will be a larger concentration of audience rather than usual. Instead of the normal capacity of the venue being three-thousand people, the quantity of tickets has raised to five-thousand spectators. And I thought that yesterday's performance would be nervewracking.  
  
The orchestra had a bombastic start with Schubert's _[Ninth Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNocKxKd8-I)_. This composition was also nicknamed "The Great", as it was written in the year when Schubert passed away. In the last months of his life, Schubert declared that he will compose his last symphony before the arrival of his death. Although it was considered his last symphony, the lengthy piece ended on a joyous note as opposed to expressing the sorrow of Schubert's upcoming downfall. Perhaps he wanted people to celebrate his life rather than mourn about his departure from Earth.  
  
The second half of the evening commenced with Mahler's _[Eighth Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSYEOLwVfU8)_ in all of its rising glory, otherwise known as "Symphony of a Thousand" because of its instrumentation. Because the grandiose piece requires a hefty amount of musicians, the stage took some time to rennovate, leaving the audience in a daze as they wait for the orchestra to prepare. The New York Philharmonic did Mahler's work some justice with the instrument's flawless coordination with the bright-sounding chorus. Because I was keen on spotting the musician's mistakes, I was silently hoping that my parents would screw up to prove that they're human too. However, everyone managed to pull through without a single error, impressing the Gramophone Magazine journalist sitting on my left as well as the touched audience as the piece builds to a powerful crescendo that closes with the chorus and the orchestra's soaring notes. In a nutshell, the performance is enthusiastic and polished with a fine sound quality on its whole.  
  
I was brimming with tears. Somi had to wipe my eyes out for me with her hankerchief.  
  
Sitting in the front row with the Spectacular Six, I could spot my parents sitting together in the second row of woodwinds — my mother in her sleek, black dress and Buffet Crampon clarinet and my father in coattails, gelled hair, and his Maple Fox bassoon. Shuuka and Karen's father was on principal oboe that night and their mother was on cor anglais. Nayeon's (former) father remained as bass clarinet for both halves of the concert, Somi's father was on second clarinet for the second half, Yuzuna's father was on second flute, and Reina's father, Nobuyuki Washio, would be the assistant concertmaster for both halves of the night.

"Whew!" Somi exclaimed to me, "That was magnificent, didn't you think?"  
  
"Yeah", I said, "Tell Reina and the others that I'll meet up with them at the lobby, I need to reapply some mascara in the restrooms."  
  
"No problem", Somi grinned.

* * *

**The Fortieth Measure.**

The dinner celebration for the New York Philharmonic inaugurated at the Gordon Ramsay restaurant on Fifth Avenue, one of the most high-class and best shopping streets in the world with luxury flagship stores like Armani, Fendi, Versace, Gucci, Prada, Chanel, Ralph Lauren, and Louis Vuitton. The fine-dining restaurant was located on the top floor of a fancy shopping center, overlooking the vast of Central Park and the towering skyscrapers that Manhattan always had to offer. Dad had me and my friends sit in the same table again, next to the wide window with the view.  
  
"So did you guys hear what I did last week?" Reina initiates the discussion, "I stepped on Chaeyoung's sixteenth hearing aid."  
  
Yuzuna opens her mouth to laugh, "Sixteenth? She has sixteen hearing aids?"  
  
"She _had_ sixteen", Reina corrects. Five pairs of eyes turn to her as she made that snide remark. Everyone in our table laughed like destroying a life-saving device meant nothing to them. I felt very sick inside as I pretended to laugh at Reina's joke.  
  
"I feel a little relieved after hanging out with you guys", Somi chirped, "I thought that I wasn't going to have any friends at Juilliard."  
  
"That's nice to hear", Karen smiled at her young pupil.  
  
"Know that we're always here for each other", Reina said as she picked up her menu, looking for something to order. I had to inwardly laugh at her.  
  
Much to Somi's surprise, a young waitress that was about her age, properly attired in a handsome white dinner jacket and black bow tie sways up to the six of us, ready to take our order. She had her hair fixed in a bun and bangs swayed away from her face. She looked like one of those female anime butlers. The miniature waitress was definitely Korean, as his nameplate read "최유정" or "Choi Yoojung", speculated by Somi. As my friends took their orders, Somi was too awestruck by the young girl's beautiful appearance to even notice that it was her turn to make her desired request.  
  
"Hey", I nudged Somi, "It's your turn."  
  
"Oh!", She recollected herself rather clumsily, taking a quick glance at the menu, "I-I'll just order the center cut tenderloin".  
  
"As you wish, milady", Yoojung winked at the apprehensive freshman before walking off to the kitchen, causing her inside feelings to explode. All I'm thinking in my head is, _what the heck is this little girl doing here, working at a high-quality establishment and cross-dressing as a waiter?_  
  
"Uh oh! Someone is in love", Shuuka cooed as Reina shot a look of disapproval at her.  
  
"What does that have to do with love?" Yuzuna asked as she fiddled with her table fork.  
  
"It's okay, you guys", Somi seemed frazzled, "I just have an affinity for cute girls."  
  
"Don't we all?" I muttered and everybody at the table shot condescending looks at me, as if I had stabbed someone.   
  
Karen looked puzzled, "Mina, do you like girls?"  
  
"I'm not interested in anyone!" I informed, wishing to end the entire conversation at that, "I'm focusing on schoolwork and the Juilliard Orchestra right now so I don't have time to do such trivial things like dating or being in a relationship."  
  
Reina dropped her spoon, "Are you saying that me dating with Shori and Shuuka dating Yuta is a 'trivial thing'?"  
  
"I did not say that!" I was sweating in my tight, dark red dress, "It's okay for you guys to date if you want to! I just can't handle it!"  
  
"Let's talk about something else!" Shuuka proposes, and I nearly fall off my chair, "Mina! Congratulations on your performance yesterday!"  
  
"Oh yes, I read that rave review by Daniel Steinway of the New York Times!" Somi's happiness comes of in vibes and I feel relieved that the subject has been changed, "You looked spectacular in that red dress! I bet that a bunch of boys at Juilliard are going to shower you with compliments once the season of the Juilliard ball begins. Especially Mingyu, knowing the type of guy he is."  
  
"Did you hit it off with Mingyu yet?" Karen asked.  
  
Ugh. Gross. If there's anything more demeaning than having a dysfunctional bassoon section, its being in a relationship with your second chair bassoon. There's no way in hell that I'd consider going out with a loudmouthed, girl-crazy guy who takes pride in being a platinum player in _League of Legends_ and having an expansive BABYMETAL album collection signed by all of its members.  
  
Dating Mingyu is like an idol dating one of their fans. It's virtually impossible.  
  
"Says the one who won't admit her love for Yugyeom, that cute second violinist in the Juilliard Orchestra", Yuzuna retorted with a sinister smile.  
  
"You take that back!" Karen exclaimed, her face flushed with pink hues.  
  
Before Karen could come up with a comeback for the snarky flutist, a commotion was taking place between the restaurant employees and their boss. I couldn't comprehend what they were bickering over about, but it had something to do with the live classical musicians who were supposedly scheduled to perform today, but did not show up for whatever reason.   
  
"I'm sorry! But I can't contact any other musician", Among all the other waiters, Choi Yoojung, the only waitress, apologized for the mishap.  
  
"Well, what are we supposed to do?", The manager pannicked as he scratched his bald head, "The customers are demanding live classical music. We can't leave them in a rage or else our restaurant will lose revenue and our ratings will drop!"  
  
Suddenly, something came to Yoojung's mind as she glanced over at our table with me, Reina, and the other four talkative girls she was speaking to earlier. She must've figured that we were musicians since we were dining with the New York Philharmonic and our instruments were placed under the table, protected by our feet. With a lightbulb flashing above her head, she walked over to the six of us in a courteous manner with a flourish.  
  
Oh god. Please don't come here.  
  
_Aaaannnddd she's here._  
  
"You girls are musicians, I presume?" Yoojung speculated, "Do you play classical music?"  
  
I was about to say something when Somi jovially jumped up from her seat, "Yes! We're students at the Juilliard School of Music. Our parents are musicans within the New York Philharmonic and that's why we're all here."  
  
_Oh my goodness, Somi. Stop talking, please. You're blowing our cover._  
  
"That's wonderful!", Yoojung said in delight after hearing that we're from a well-known performing arts school, "I need to ask a favor from you ladies. I happened to see your instruments under the table, giving me the idea that you girls can play music. Our customers are complaining because there is no live classical music being played. We originally invited a string quartet from Albany, but they bailed out, saying that they were running late for a performance at the Carnegie Hall tonight. Do you girls suppose you can fill in for them?"  
  
"I want to hear our daughters play!" Shuuka's mother butts in, eavesdropping over our conversation.  
  
"Me too!" Yuzuna's father chimed in.  
  
"Mina. You're going to play, right?" My mother glared at me, seeming as if she was going to throw me into a pit of flames if I didn't comply.  
  
I shook my head, "I don't have my bassoon."  
  
"You can play mine", my father encouraged and I'm contemplating about stabbing myself with my table knife. My father's bassoon is much heavier than mine.  
  
"Okay. Give us a minute to discuss it", Somi considered, not to mention that the dishes they ordered were noticeably expensive. And then she turned around to converse with us about Yoojung's sudden request. With the backing of our parents and the other New York Philharmonic members, there was this air of tension that rose in our minds. We had to perform or else the other orchestra members would throw stones at us.  
  
"Is there a certain piece that you'd like for us to perform?" Reina politely smiled, sort of in that fake way where girls try to hide their poison. It was an act that she used with all of her elders, especially my parents into deceiving them. My mom thinks that Reina is such a proper, prim girl and insists that I should act more like her. I wanted to puke at that statement but I'm not even allowed to puke in front of them.

"Well...", Yoojung thought, scratching her chin, "Do you girls know how to play Pachelbel's [_Canon in D Major_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlprozGcs80)? This is the song they were supposed to play tonight and I'll give you all a deal. If you play for us, we'll make your meal free."  
  
Our parents knew that we couldn't back out of an opportunity to eat free food.  
  
Eventually, the we came to a conclusion: Karen would play the harmony, Shuuka and Somi decided that they will both play the counter-melody parts, Reina and Yuzuna would share the melody parts, trading off every now and then. And me? Given that I play the instrument with the lowest register, they came to a conclusion that I would play the bass part and I'm dreading it. That's why it's called a _bass_ oon.  
  
I don't hate _Canon_ at all. It's a very simple yet pleasing piece that can be interpreted with intricate styles and textures. It is generally used during most wedding ceremonies wherein the bride would talk down the aisle with her father or mother in hand. But if you're a cellist like Tzuyu or a musician with a concentration in a instrument that plays in the bass clef, you'd know what I mean when I say that I "dread Pachelbel".  
  
After a lengthy discussion, the manager escorted the six of us to the main stage in the center of the establishment, with occupied tables surrounding us. The customers, most of whom worked with the New York Philharmonic, began to settle down after seeing the sight of young classical musicians like us in their wake.  
  
Being second-in-command next to Kai and a show-off, Reina Washio volunteered to give the opening speech, "Good evening, everyone. I know that you were expecting other musicians here but unfortunately, they couldn't make it, so the manager decided last minute to use us as your source of entertainment. Let us introduce ourselves. My name is Reina Washio and I am the assistant concertmistress of The Juilliard Orchestra. These are my friends — Yuzuna Takebe, Principal Flute; Karen Fujii, Viola; Shuuka Fujii, Principal Oboe; Jeon Somi, Clarinet; and Mina Myoui; Principal Bassoon."  
  
Of course she'd mention my name last.  
  
I'm just a background character with a background instrument. It's in my nature.  
  
"Without further ado, we would like to share our love for music with you, so please enjoy yourselves as we take you on our heart-spun canon throughout the realms of the classical music world", Reina wrapped up our introduction with an eloquent speech that she probably plagiarized from a random rave review, receiving an acclaiming applause from the masses. Much like Yoojung's reaction to the hearing of our school's famed name, the customers were rather intrigued.  
  
"Okay, let's begin", Reina initiated in a whisper, giving the us a starting signal.   
  
With my (or rather my father's) bassoon ready, I begin the sweetly moving piece in low, quiet tones as my fingers dance gracefully amongst its lustrous keys and fingerholes. Following my mellow sound, Karen's elegant viola enters in its splendorous grace. And then Shuuka's oboe and Somi's clarinet respond to our wistful call, playing the highest yet most tender notes that ressembled their kind, affectionate hearts.  
  
The bass voice in _Canon_ repeats the same two-bar line throughout the entire piece, or an ostinato. That means that I have to play the same eight notes over and over again until the piece finally ends.  
  
Yuzuna has her golden Muramatsu flute nestled in her pale fingers. Reina sets her chin on the chin rest of her Stradivarius violin and has her bow ready in her hand. Yuzuna inaugurates the melody first, her resilient flute's lofty, fragile tone likened with the beats of the heart, countering the profound sound of the Karen's divergent, radical viola strings. Taking in a deep breath, Reina commenced the canon with her bright, polished violin call as she replies to Yuzuna's nostalgic flute and Shuuka and Somi's sublime weaving with their respective instruments. At last, with the help of Yuzuna's soaring high notes, the melancholic tone rises to a jubilant, exuberant theme that enlightens the hearts of the audience.  
  
"BRAVO! BRAVO!", The manager cried as he fell to his knees, blinded in awe as we made our bow and exited the stage.  
  
"That was beautiful!", Yoojung smirks as she walks up to us with a paycheck, reading at a price of $0.00 since we volunteered to the perform for tonight. Reina accepted the check for us and stuffed the receipt in the small, interior pocket of her Louis Vuitton handbag. I disassemble my father's bassoon and tuck each separate joint back in its case before returning it to him.  
  
We headed back to our table and five plates were placed on the table — three orders of lamb chops for the Shuuka, Yuzuna, and Reina; one pork tenderloin and seasoned, roasted potatoes for Somi; and a spinach-artichoke deep-dish pizza for Karen, who is a vegetarian.  
  
Where's my Beef Wellington? Did they seriously forget about me?  
  
"Excuse me..." I called for Yoojung but the tiny waitress turned her back and jogged back to the kitchen.  
  
"Minari. You're not going to eat?" Shuuka questions, cutting her lamb chop into smaller pieces with a fork and a knife.  
  
"I'm on a diet, I guess", I lied.  
  
"The fuck, Mina?" Karen raised an eyebrow, "You're like, ninety pounds."  
  
"Other than your thighs, you don't need to lose weight", Yuzuna advises, "You're as thin as a walking stick."  
  
"Mina's food hasn't arrived yet", Somi finally notices the empty plate sitting in front of me.  
  
_[*RING*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HIfqyHbKgY)_  
  
No, no, no. Why now?  
  
I need to leave. Like, right now.  
  
"Excuse me while I use the bathroom. Let me know when my food arrives", I tell my friends as I push in my chair and leave my table.  
  
The lavatory in the fine establishment was so small, that it was off-putting to say the least. I take refuge to one of the three stalls and sit atop of the toilet seat cover, holding my head. Having tinnitus is awful, but it's even more gruesome to have it in both ears. The tone varies from time to time, but today it sounds like the incessant static noise emitting from an old CRT television set.  
  
In addition, my headache is starting to feel like sharp screws being turned in the sides of my brain, just behind my forehead. My eyes start to become extremely sensitive to the fluorescent lights and I'm temporarily blind. _When is this pain going to subside? I want it to end, NOW._  
  
I measure about five minutes before the noise in my ears cancels out and I start to lose tension in my head. I exit out of the stall and access the gleaming alabaster sinks so that I can wash my face. Part of my foundation peels off but at least my eye makeup is okay and I still look fairly presentable. I'm about to exit the restroom when my mom suddenly plods past me, her heavy makeup shielding her wrinkles.  
  
"Mina, we need to talk", my mom spoke seriously and I swore that my heart sunk to my feet.  
  
"Nice to see you too, mom", I replied sardonically. It's been a couple of years since I've last seen my parents since the Juilliard Orchestra would always be on a domestic tour before midterms, which usually occurred simultaneously with the New York Philharmonic's first few concerts.  
  
She scowled at me, "Why did you run offstage last night? You know that's improper, right?"  
  
"I had a headache, and I'm going to have an even bigger headache if you keep asking me questions", the last sentence slips out of my mouth, unintentionally.  
  
"I hope that you're keeping your grades up and staying at the top of your graduating class", her voice was low and strict, "You have to graduate with the highest distinction if you're going to make it in the music world. I want you to be better than that Kwon Yuri girl."  
  
And then she disappeared into one of the toilet stalls.  
  
"Mina!" Karen calls as I make my way back to my seat, "I think that the waitress forgot about your order."  
  
I'm in shock, "What? Are you serious?"  
  
"The beef wellington that you ordered is not included in our check", Somi's eyes wander over the small strip of paper that Yoojung handed to her.  
  
"Yoojung was just here a while ago", Yuzuna whistled.  
  
The heated discussion that mom and I were having in the bathroom rendered me even more irritated than when I had my tinnitus, "Why didn't you guys remind the waitress about my order while I was using the bathroom?"  
  
"Why didn't you ask her yourself before you went?" Reina accuses me.  
  
"I had to use the bathroom. Is that too difficult for you to comprehend?" I countered curtly.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Myoui. Did your reeds get shoved so far up your bum while you were in the toilet? One more of that and you're going to turn into another Nayeon", Reina warned, wagging her finger in the same fashion that a parent scolds their child. I'm getting so sick of this girl, it's ridiculous.  
  
"You know what?" I grabbed my coat from the arm of my chair and slung it on my back, "You bitches can have my beef wellington. I'm leaving."  
  
Shuuka was about to get up from her seat, "Mina, wait—"  
  
I was already outside the establishment by the time Shuuka reached out for me. I must've made a scene while I made my grand exit but at least my mom was in the bathroom before she could even notice. My dad? I'm not so sure.  
  
I hailed for a taxi off the corner of Fifth Avenue and East 62nd Street when this big, yellow mini-van pulls over. The cab driver, whom I questioned as to whether or not he's born in this country due to his thick accent, reeked of car fumes from possibly his engine's exhaust pipe. I suspected that he spoke minimal English because he couldn't discern my pronounciation of my dropoff location. Our conversation went something like this:  
  
"Where to, little girl?" he asked. I succeeded in ignoring his derogatory comment.  
  
"The Juilliard School", I said.  
  
"Jool-art?"  
  
"Juilliard."  
  
"Jewel of Arts"  
  
"Juilliard."  
  
"The Palace of Fine Arts?"  
  
"I SAID JUILLIARD!" I raised my voice, "JOO-LEE-ARD."  
  
"Musuem of Modern Art it is!" He proclaimed.  
  
"Holy fucking shit on a stick! Forget it!" my patience timed out and I exited the vehicle, "I'll just take the M66 bus!"

* * *

**The Forty-First Measure**

Monday: October 5, 2020  
  
Two days later.  
  
I am not in such a mood to deal with anybody's crap today.  
  
As I maneuver over to my seat, I whack Vernon over the head with the bell of my bassoon and Jun slaps my ass, joking about having "celebratory sex" with the second chair bassoon that is Mingyu. I gritted my teeth at him and warned him about getting jabbed with my reed knife if he ever messes with my vibe again. I couldn't even concentrate on my own warm-up because I was getting an earache from the deafening trombone section sitting behind me. Joshua is the last person to arrive within our section and he spills his reed water all over the hardwood floor. Now my uggs and my socks are soaking wet and I can't risk being teased for being barefoot in rehearsals.  
  
"Everyone! Settle down!" Concertmaster Kai orders, tapping his violin's bow against the rim of his stand, "Maestro has another announcement to make."  
  
Alan Gilbert coughs before he delivers the news, "As most of you guys know, I had to make minor alterations to our program because the public demanded for Mina to perform during opening night. Therefore, our upcoming concert is going to have some changes too. I'll make sure that our syllabus is edited so that everyone can be aware of these future changes. But in the meantime, Kai will announce our program for our next concert in two weeks."  
  
He steps off his podium so that all of the attention is directed towards Kai, "We will not be performing in the Alice Tully Hall this time because the trap room below is having renovations. So our location for our next concert has yet to be announced."  
  
This fact makes everyone groan.  
  
"Also, Maestro Gilbert will not be conducting because he will be focusing on the endeavors of the New York Philharmonic", he continued, "Kirill Petrenko of the Berlin Philharmonic will be our guest conductor, and he will reside in the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall starting tomorrow. We will be performing Borodin's _Polovtsian Dances_ in the first half and Mahler's _Fifth Symphony_ in the second half."  
  
"The Berlin Philharmonic? Mahler Five? Ermahgerd! I'm gonna die", Sana is getting restless in her seat.  
  
"You horn players go gaga for the Berlin Phil", Yuta Nakamoto, who sits next to Sana and is a horn player himself, speaks of the big name as if the Berlin Philharmonic wasn't a big deal (when they actually are, in fact, a big deal).  
  
"Excuse you but they have the best horn section in the entire world!" Sana cries.  
  
"You two, shut it!" Kai admonishes the two horn players. "That's not our only concert for that week. Maestro Gilbert himself chose a select number of musicians from this ensemble to be members of the pit orchestra for the night that Juilliard's Dance Division will perform at the David H. Koch theater, which is the day after our concert. That list will be posted in a couple of days but principal players are guaranteed to be on for that night."  
  
I'm a principal player.  
  
I have five pieces that I need to worry about now: _Polovstian Dances_ and Mahler Five for the Juilliard Orchestra, _The Sorcerer's Apprentice_ and _My Neighbor Totoro_ for the Pops Orchestra, and whatever the heck the Juilliard Dance Division is doing.  
  
I'm going to scream if it's the _Rite of Spring_.  
  
"Two ballet works", Kai discloses and my stomach drops.  
  
Six pieces now? Really?  
  
Kai unfolds the piece of paper that is the program for the Dance Division's performance, " _Swan Lake_ and _The Rite of Spring_."  
  
Oh you have to be fucking joking with me.  
  
"Maestro Gilbert decided to drop the _Rite_ last time because he wanted to save it for this opportunity", Kai explains, "So there you have it."  
  
I regret what I said last month. I don't want to play the _Rite_ anymore. Sana and Vernon laugh at me out loud and I silently hoped that my bassoon would transform into a cannon so I can blast them the fuck out of my face.   
  
Maestro Gilbert returned to the auditorium once again, this time with President Polisi on his right. There was a seriousness about them that nerved me while I plucked my reed out of my reed water and inserted it on the bocal of my bassoon. President Polisi's agreeable smile was gone and was replaced with a more selfcontained character — punctual as an hourglass, his broad shoulders straightened, by no means jolly or carefree in any sense. He turned into an authoritative figure right before our eyes.   
  
"We're going to cut rehearsals short today because President Polisi would like to have a word with all of you", Maestro Gilbert reported.  
  
Then he stepped out of the way for Juilliard's President to speak, "As some of you guys might've noticed, Chaeyoung is absent today."  
  
Wait, she is?  
  
I didn't even notice.  
  
I jerked my head around and saw that the short-haired percussionist was indeed missing. What happened to her?  
  
President Polisi's baritone voice sounded low and grim, "In the timeframe of one month that she's been with the Juilliard Orchestra, Chaeyoung reported to our Disability Services Center that she has been bullied here, yet she won't issue the names for us. As someone who vouches for the safety and security of Juilliard's students, I volunteered to carry out the investigation myself. Whomever I find guilty will face the consequences of being charged for the loss of Chaeyoung's hearing aids. If they can't pay the full price, they will be suspended or even kicked out of the Juilliard School depending on how short they are in payment. So if Chaeyoung doesn't even get most of the money or even _all_ of it returned by a certain date, say goodbye to your dreams of obtaining a diploma from the Juilliard School."  
  
"Oh dear god", Mingyu murmured next to me and I thought, _is he going to get in trouble?_  
  
"Let me be the first to pronounce that within that one month, sixteen of Chaeyoung's hearing aids have gone missing or have been broken. Here in the States, the cost of one hearing aid is about four thousand five-hunded dollars ($4,500). So if Chaeyoung is missing sixteen hearing aids, then the perpetrator will owe her family seventy-two thousand dollars ($72,000)", he released and everyone in the orchestra becomes dead silent.  
  
Holy fuck. $72,000?  
  
"Mina", he turns to me, "Do you know who the culprit is?"  
  
I knew that he would ask me because I'm his most trustworthy student. I'm on the honor roll and I'm number one in the bassoon division.  
  
Sana is peering into my back with severe eyes.  
  
I am not turning myself in for Reina Washio's happiness. Not this time.  
  
And then the name falls out of my lips, "Reina did it."  
  
"MINA!" Reina stomps her foot on the floor and drops her violin, "HOW DARE Y—"  
  
"I saw Reina do it too", Sana attests, standing from her chair, "I was hanging out with Chaeyoung as we were playing Pokemon Go at Central Park last night, all before she and her boyfriend, Shori Satou, shamed my friend for accidentally bumping into Reina and dropping her precious violin case. Both of them tackled Chaeyoung to the ground, yanked out her hearing aids from both ears, and tossed them in the Turtle Pond."  
  
"I bear witness to that too. I was at Turtle Pond to catch a Lapras", Yugyeom blurts out from the second violin section.  
  
"Thanks", President Polisi gratefully attends to me, Sana, and Yugyeom, "I will talk to Chaeyoung about this just so that we can confirm the truth. If there are any other culprits, please let me know."  
  
He slams the double doors shut.  
  
The air in the Alice Tully Hall is clouded with ire and apprehension after I, a member of the Spectacular Six, snitched on Reina Washio.  
  
The assistant concertmistress didn't look very pleased. I didn't expect her to be.  
  
Reina was right.  
  
I am becoming another Nayeon.

* * *

**BONUS (The Asian Invasion)**

That past Saturday.  
  
After a tiring Pops Orchestra rehearsal, Sowon, Yerin, Eunha, Yuju, SinB, and Umji — members of Mina's fanclub — decided to kick back and go drinking for the night. The six were a bit saddened by the fact that Mina didn't show up to the rehearsal session, but that didn't run their night.  
  
Eunha recommended for the girls to stop by a nightclub in Harlem that featured only the best Asian underground rappers such as Bang Yongguk, Mino, Zelo, Cheetah, Zico, Miryo, Suga, Minhyuk, Park Kyung, and the best of the best, Rap Monster. The shy and reticent violinist had always been a closeted hip hop fanatic since she first got accepted into the Juilliard School, but now that she is the assistant concertmistress for the Pops Orchestra, her seemingly odd tastes have been accepted by the other musicians in that ensemble. She feels like they're family.  
  
"I'll go and hail a taxi", Sowon declares and she starts waving her hand in the air.  
  
"That's not how you do it!" SinB slaps her hand, "In New York, you have to step out into the road."  
  
"She's going to get ran over!" Umji feared.  
  
"It's okay", Yerin is as relaxed as a orangutan, "Cars don't come this close."  
  
Sowon followed SinB's directions and placed her foot on the concrete road, her hand high up in the air as every inhabited taxi streams past the six girls. Finally, a large cab parallel parks in their direction and all of them cross the street so that they can occupy that taxi.  
  
"Where to, little girls?" the taxi driver, possibly of some North Asian or Russian descent, asks.  
  
"Ew", Yuju squirms in the back row at that title.  
  
"This club called the _Asian Invasion_ ", Eunha answers from the second row of seats, "In Harlem."  
  
"The Caucasian Migration?"  
  
"The Asian Invasion", Sowon repeats.  
  
"The Cajun Lactation?"  
  
"THE ASIAN INVASION, GODDAMMIT!" SinB screams from the back row and it startles Umji and Yuju.  
  
"Grand Central Station it is then!"  
  
"Flying Fuck!" Yerin swears loudly, stepping out of the cab, "C'mon you guys! Let's just use the metro!"


	9. tacet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_tacet_  
Origin: Latin  
Silent; do not play  
  


**The Forty-Second Measure**

Tuesday: October 6, 2020  
  
I seriously regret ratting out Reina last night.  
  
_What the hell was I thinking?_ Revealing her name to President Polisi just because I got upset with her over the dinner table for not reminding Yoojung about my meal. She's not going to let me into her social circle anymore because I just costed her seventy-two thousand dollars. _What are my parents going to think when they find out that I'm not friends with her and the others anymore?_  
  
What are Reina and the others going to do to me now that I protected Chaeyoung and not them?  
  
"Mina! You awake?" I could see Sana's big eyes from the corner of my top bunk, taking a gander at my sleeping figure as she stands on my ladder.  
  
"Oh, sorry", I sat up. Sana moved over so that I could climb down from my bed and slip on my blue penguin slippers.  
  
"What's your first class today?"  
  
"Music Theory", I tell her.  
  
Reina is in that class. The two of us would always sit in the front row so that the professor would notice us and we would answer his spontaneous questions just to show off (Or rather I, since Reina just looks over at my notes and then creates a response by rewording my writing).  
  
"Well guess what?" Sana was wiping her glasses, "Today is your appointment. You're skipping that class today."  
  
I didn't believe her, "Are you serious?"  
  
Sana unplugs her smartphone from the cable of her charger and flashes the e-mail in front of my eyes. Thank god that I don't have to see Reina today. I'll just ask Jun for the Music Theory assignment since he's in my class. Dr. Schmidhuber wanted to see me in three days to check up on my condition, whatever it is. I'm just praying that there'll be a cure and then I'll be all normal again.  
  
"Mina, aren't you going to get dressed?"  
  
I lowered my head and found that I was still clothed in a pink, silk nightgown and no pants, "You're right."

* * *

**The Forty-Third Measure**

I never thought that I'd land myself back in a hospital room again.  
  
My parents haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment for me in years. The last time I recall being in a hospital room was when I first had the ringing sensation in my ears, in the summer before my third year of high school, while I was on tour with the Youth Symphony of the United States of America in Japan. My parents weren't even there when I had to get rushed to the hospital after a concert at Suntory Hall. My mom was furious at me when she found my medical bill in her mailbox. My parents insist that there's nothing wrong with my ears and that I'm just overreacting.  
  
As soon as the elevator doors slide open to reveal Juilliard's Health Services Center, a tiny head pops up from behind the counter and the young girl's face illuminates, "Woah! Mina is here already? I didn't know that Tuesday had arrived already."  
  
"Wh-Who are you?"   
  
"I'm Umji!" she greets, "And I'm the office aide for the health services center and your loyal fan!"  
  
_There's more of these "fans"?_  
  
"You want an autograph, huh?" I guessed before Umji could open her mouth again.  
  
"Boy, would I!" Umji dismounts from her wheely chair and dashes to the copy room to grab a piece of paper and pencil. She walks up to me and gazes at me with those big, brown eyes. She's about the same height as Chaeyoung and she's wearing a striped sweater and dress overalls.  
  
"There you go", I used the same hastily signature that I gave to Chaeyoung years ago and I handed back the piece of printer paper to her.  
  
"Woah! It's true! Your signature really is identical to the one that Chaeyoung showed me during class!" the small girl stretches her arms to hold my autograph in front of her face, rising it up to the light above, "Thank you so much! Dr. Schmidhuber will be waiting for you down that hall."  
  
"Thanks", I trot towards the direction where Umji's finger is pointing.  
  
Hospital rooms, or at least this room, are so creepy. Its walls are simply cream — not peeling or dingy — just cream. There are no decorations at all, save for the limp pale purple curtain that separates the room from the hallway. An old TV set hangs from the ceiling but then I started to press random buttons on the remote and nothing turned up on the screen. It's broken. It's just how I imagined it in horror films. I don't feel even remotely comfortable chainging into a hospital gown knowing that there's no goddamn door.  
  
"There she is!" Dr. Schmidhuber crosses the room to greet me. Thankfully, I'm already clothed in my hospital gown.  
  
He was this short German man in a lab coat with sideburns and a thick beard. Karen Fujii would've assumed that he was some freakish psycho or crazed surgeon like how horror movies would commonly depict German doctors, like that guy in _Human Centipede_. Jun and the other boys in my section dragged me to AMC down at Lincoln Square just so we could watch  _Human Centipede._  
  
I am never watching that movie ever again.  
  
Dr. Schmidhuber is trying to engage in a casual conversation with me about my studies and that one solo I had during opening night. He claims that he's trying to get me comfortable in this sort of environment, yet I can't help but feel that I'm going to get drugged any minute now. Half of the time, I just kept nodding to his every word as to not offend him. I wasn't really paying attention to his inquires unless it had something to do with my health, in which questions pertaining to that subject only came around ten percent of the time.  
  
"So" he finally begins, fishing out a pen from his coat pocket while writing behind a transparent clipboard, "Have you been experiencing any weird symptoms lately? You certianly didn't look that well during opening night."  
  
"Well, you see. I always feel this ringing noise in my ears", I tried to not sound rude but he really needs to stop bringing up my performance.  
  
"In which ear?"  
  
"Sometimes the left ear, sometimes the right ear, sometimes both", I explain and he jots down some notes, "From time to time, I'll get migraines or  I feel dizzy or my facial muscles will start to hurt. It's very bothersome and inconvenient for me whenever I try to practice because then I have to put my bassoon down and wait until the pain subsides. And sometimes, the symptoms will come while I'm in rehearsals and I can't do anything about it. I started to have these symptoms when I was in high school but it wasn't as bad until now."  
  
"Hmm... I can't pinpoint what you might be having", Dr. Schmidhuber talks slowly, rapidly writing down what I've just said, "We may need to perform a CT scan on your head so that we could figure out what's wrong with you. But first, a female nurse will have to perform a check-up."   
  
I glance over at the clock, "And when will that be?"  
  
"We can do it right now", he grins and I felt my comfort sink into the floor, "I'll go fetch Nurse Lui."  
  
Oh great. I haven't had a check-up in years so I can't predict if there's something wrong with me or not.  
  
My check-up is fast yet unsettling because Nurse Lui touched me in places where I didn't want to get touched, and she's not gentle either. Nurse Lui is this tall asian woman who had the posture of a soldier. Every action she took was precise and purposeful, yet she smiled in the cold and distant way that my parents and other professors at this school do. I could never bring myself to relax around such expressions even though I practically grew up with people in that category. So far, I haven't met an inviting face in this darned institution at all and it renders me restless.  
  
Dr. Schmidhuber didn't take very long to go over the procedures needed for my CT scan. Before I was directed to lie on the table, Nurse Lui gave me this white substance called "[contrast material](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wsNqF2jOl8)" for me to gulp down. The liquid tasted disgusting, like the paint that they used on the walls. But it couldn't have been worse than the clear dye that Nurse Lui injected into my left arm. Now I can't move it.  
  
As I'm lying down under the large, donut-shaped machine that's supposed to use X-rays to take pictures of my body, I could only hear Dr. Schmidhuber, Nurse Lui, and a couple of other unnamed doctors having a consultation about some hazy blob around my brain.  
  
Is there really something wrong with me?  
  
Dr. Schmidhuber allows me to sit up and change into my regular clothes after the procedure was over. Then Nurse Lui hands over a glass of water for me to cleanse out the repulsive after taste of the contrast material. After I'm back in my regular clothes, Dr. Schmidhuber walks back into the designated room where Umji had assigned me to go to two hours ago.   
  
"Mina", he begins, lowering his voice, "Come back on Friday. Our team can't quite identify what's wrong with your brain yet."

* * *

**The Forty-Fourth Measure**

Well this sucks.  
  
I couldn't bring myself to practice today because my left arm felt so sore from that shot, I felt a knifelike pain whenever I tried to lift my bassoon. In the end, I had to disassemble it and leave the practice room even though I scheduled to occupy that room for at least an hour.  
  
"Oh, Mina! Wanna eat brunch with me and Chaeyoung?" Sana noticed me exiting the practice room.  
  
I don't really have anything else to do. I finished all of the homework that I needed to do and I haven't had breakfast yet.  
  
"Sure", I said.  
  
When Sana brought up brunch, I thought that she meant that the three of us were going to hit up at a restaurant or a café so we could grab some coffee or bagels. Turns out that Sana planned to take the subway to Chaeyoung's tiny two-bedroom apartment on West 34th Street, one of those types of living spaces that you'd find on Airbnb listings. Chaeyoung's parents were at work so me, Sana, and Chaeyoung had the entire apartment room to ourselves. The atmosphere was still and calm and I love it. I never had the luxury of being in a quiet space for an extended period of time because I live in a large dormitory with eight horn players including Sana, Chaekyung, and Shuuka's boyfriend, Yuta Nakamoto.   
  
Chaeyoung — still dressed in her 'Winnie the Pooh' pajama pants, a matching baggy sweatshirt, and her hair tied up in an 'apple' style — headed to the kitchen and whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate, not your average brunch meal. As she waited for the cookie dough to rise, Sana switched on the television and looked for something intriguing to watch when she landed on ANTM (America's Next Top Model).  
  
"You have a really nice place, Chaeyoung", I made a comment. She didn't reply.  
  
Oh duh, Mina. She's deaf.  
  
Fortunately, Sana was there to translate my words for the shorter girl by using sign language. Chaeyoung smiled at me and nodded as a way of saying thanks. A good occurance that I could acknowledge after calling out Reina was that the percussionist was happy to have my company, maybe becayse I defended her. Sana isn't as mad at me now as she was before and I'm not peeved in the slightest when she's in our dorm room.  
  
And Nayeon, I'm not so sure. I've been too busy and too tired to engage in an argument with her during Pops Orchestra rehearsals.  
  
Sana gestures something to Chaeyoung and I all can do is watch the two girls communicate.  
  
"Chaeng has your meal ready", she told me.  
  
The three of us sat in the dining table across from the kitchenette. If there's one idea that Sana and I can both agree upon, it's that Chaeyoung is a fantastic cook. Sana gladly received the warm cookie and stuffed it gleefully in her mouth. The rich, chewy texture of the cookie dough blended beautifully with the warm, gooey chocolate chips encrusted in its fine shell. It gave yeah the heartwarming, sentimental feeling of being home with family on the holidays. In short, Chaeyoung's chocolate chip cookies were like pure, unadulterated happiness that one can hold in their hands.  
  
Sana turned off the television so that she could talk to me, "I'm very proud of you for what you did last night."  
  
I was flustered, "What I did last night?"  
  
"Standing up for Chaeyoung", Sana smiled, setting her coffee mug down.  
  
Oh.  
  
"Chaeyoung wanted to invite you over to her place as a way to say 'thank you' and all", Sana explains truthfully and the tiny percussionist just grins at the two of us. She probably doesn't understand a single word that we're saying.  
  
"Hey, Mina", Sana began after swallowing her cookie, "Are you interested in becoming an office aide with me for the Disability Resources Center?"  
  
_Oh come on. Not right now._  
  
"I... I'm kind of busy. With orchestra rehearsals and classes and stuff", I tried to act as nicely and politely as I can.  
  
"Oh..." Sana's voice trailed off, slightly disappointed, "It's just that Chaeyoung and I wanted to bond with you more."  
  
Oh crap. Am I a terrible person for saying that?  
  
Now that I think about it, it kind of sucks having this language barrier between me and Chaeyoung because I can't properly express my feelings and intentions to her and vice versa. Sana always acted as the figurative "bridge" to our two separate borders. We accumulated this never-ending cycle of translation. and explanation. Whenever the three of us would try to have an adequate conversation at the dining table, it started off with Sana bringing up a topic, speakign to me and then translating her message to Chaeyoung. If I spoke, Sana would have to convert my words to sign language for Chaeyoung. If Chaeyoung wanted to say something, she'd show it with her hands and then Sana would have to speak to me.  
  
"Mina, what time is your next class?" Sana changes the subject while she washed her plate at Chaeyoung's kitchenette sink.  
  
I whip out my phone from my coat pocket to check the "Reminders" app, "My piano lesson got canceled today so I only have to worry about Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals for tonight."  
  
"Does your left arm still hurt?"  
  
I tried to flex the elbow of my left arm and the stinging pain from that injection still remained, "I don't think I can practice yet."  
  
"You can stay here with us while your arm heals", she offers and Chaeyoung gives a 'thumbs up' in agreement.  
  
Spending time with Sana and Chaeyoung went smoothly to say the least. It was my first time watching ANTM so Sana had to give me a breakdown on the show's format as well as the contestants and the judges. Luckily, the show replayed some older episodes and we were on the first episode of Cycle 13. The catch phrase is "'The Lineup Is 5' 7" And Under. Not The Usual Suspects. BOOK 'EM!". The meaning of the title implies that the show is looking for models under the height of 5'7" as the norm indirectly implies that the the height of supermodels range above that measurement. I never thought that I could feel more conscious about my height than I did before, but the episode portrayed short people (Like me and Chaeyoung) in a way that supported short people and made me feel a little bit better about the way that I looked.  
  
After the episode ended, we moved on to video games so that the percussionist wouldn't fall asleep watching pretty people strut down walkways. Chaeyoung supplied a large amount of games and consoles, both old and new, from her bedroom closet. Gaming happened to be part of Chaeyoung's expertise other than dabbling and tinkering at percussion instruments.  
  
She taught me the basics of the hit Nintendo game, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and the basic controls. The thought of holding a Gamecube controller in my hands and pressing random buttons was an odd occurrance to me because I've never played video games before even though most of my classmates did. We started on a new file and the two of us went over the entire Subspace Emissary from the beginning, on easy mode much to my liking. While Chaeyoung enjoyed playing agile characters such as Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog, I just focused on seemingly good-looking figures like Marth even though in reality, none of the playable characters piqued my interests. Sana commented that I was adjusting to the controls faster than an average beginner despite having began by pressing random buttons in the beginning, causing Chaeyoung to joke about me having "prodigy" hands. I've only considered myself as a fast learner who picks up concepts and pieces puzzles together easily. That's why I didn't take very long to master the clarinet and one of the most notoriously confusing woodwind instruments to learn, the damn bassoon.  
  
I didn't think that I would get this distracted, having fun with these two today than I ever did when I hung out with the Spectacular Six for years.  
  
Actually, I'd rather call them "The Six" because I don't see them as quite spectacular.  
  
Chaeyoung indicates something to Sana and then she turns to me, "Chaeyoung is wondering about what drove you to defend her and not Reina."  
  
"I-I don't know", I stutter, "I guess that I was just mad at her that one night we ate dinner and I let my anger get to me on Monday."  
  
"She's not going to talk to you ever again, right?" Sana predicts.  
  
"Might be worse", my voice came out wobbly and perhaps Sana didn't hear my last word.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Nothing..." I faltered, "What time is it right now?"  
  
"6 p.m." Sana coolly glanced at her phone screen.  
  
"Oh shoot! We have Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals in an hour", I've just realized that I hadn't kept track of time. I didn't even get a chance to squeeze in some practice time after my left arm had healed. Great. I guess that I'm going to have to sight-read _Polovstian Dances_ during rehearsals.  
  
"You were having fun with us, huh?" Sana badgered me by pulling on my cheek.  
  
"What the— Stop that!" I command, maneuvering her hand away from my face. I don't want to admit that I've lightened up to them yet.

* * *

**The Forty-Fifth Measure**

"Do you know which train to take?" I ask Sana, walking down the stairs that leading us to the underground entrance of 34th Street—Penn Station.  
  
She stared at me, unbelievingly, "You grew up in New York City and you don't know which train to take?"  
  
"Are you kidding me? I hate using the subway", I groaned.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Some jackass stoner kid tried to steal my bassoon."  
  
Sana was cracking up, "Who would try to steal a bassoon?"  
  
I shrugged, "He thought that I was a walking marijuana store."  
  
If there's anything that I hate even more than the subway station itself, it's riding in the damn train. Complaining about the trains was a favorite pastime for New Yorkers, especially native New Yorkers like me and my parents. I used to take the subway to get to my elementary school and middle school. Other than Tokyo or any other big city in Asia, New York City is infamous for having one of the most congested subways on earth and commuters commonly refer to it as "the city beneath the city" because of the bustling crowds and the countless street performers huddled underground. It's not just during rush hour when the passengers are shoving themselves into train cars — the crowding can happen during any given time of the day. There can be over a thousand people on a subway train. There can be fifty people trying to get off of a subway car at each stop. A hundred people may be trying to go up or down a staircase or escalator at any given time and they don't want to be pestered.   
  
The three of us chose the worst-possible train to get to Juilliard — The 1 Train (Referred to simply as "The 1"). It only takes four stops until we get off on 66th Street and the Lincoln Center, but the second stop is Times Square and that landmark is cluttered with tourists who know nothing about the unspoken rules of the metro. You're not supposed to squeeze yourself into the subway car if it has reached maximum capacity. Doin that would leave the train doors open, meaning that the train won't leave until the doors are fully closed, and you'd just be wasting time for those who are dying to go home after they've carried out one stressful day in their professional lives. If there's no room, wait for the next damn train to come.  
  
And what do they do? Shove themselves into the train and waste our time.   
  
I'm having a massive headache and I can barely breathe. The conditions of the train became incredibly insufferable as there were about a hundred people in our subway car, 30% of whom were probably tourists. Their voices, in several different languages, boomed over the intercom speakers that informed riders of what station they're getting off. Towering figures in heavy coats obscured my view and I lost sight of Sana and Chaeyoung.   
  
I might seem like I'm 5'5' or 5'6" because I wear shoes with insoles, platforms, heck even heels. I'm actually only 5'3" and most of the girls at Juilliard are about Sana's height, like 5'6" or 5'7", the average height of dance majors being slightly taller. Therefore, I'm considered slightly below average in terms of height. Chaeyoung? Even less. That girl is about 5'1" and others would've viewed her as a sixth grader at first glance.   
  
"Sana! Chaeyoung!" I shouted over the passengers, but my small voice didn't come through. I don't even know which stop I should get off on.  
  
God, I wish that I had a more audible voice.  
  
I tried again, a little louder than before, "Sana! Chae—"  
  
"Shut your goddamn trap!" A peeved passenger snarled at me. Luckily, I couldn't see his figure or else I would've sacked him in the face.  
  
Oh yeah. Another unspoken rule of the NYC metro? Use your inside voice.   
  
"MINA! We're here!" Sana shouted, pulling me out of the subway car by yanking my arm until my boots hit the steel platform underneath. The unflattering lights of our subway car flickered and then the train took off into the dark, underground tunnels.  
  
"We need to get to rehearsals", I slung my instrument case over my shoulder after having sat on it for the duration of the train ride.  
  
In a brisk walking pace, the three of us advanced towards the elevator that would provide us access to the Lincoln Center of Performing Arts. and then the Alice Tully Hall to the west. I don't know why, but my brain delivered to me this bizarre perception that we were being followed. All I could remember from that train ride was that I was leaning next to a middle-aged man with dark skin and dreadlocks.  
  
"Sorry!" the man that I had in thought sprinted past me with a case that could've been anymore similiar to my—  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
That's my bassoon.  
  
That man stole my bassoon.  
  
"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" I evaded the elevator entrance and darted up the extensive staircase to chase the thief. What didn't come to my mind was the fact that I was wearing designer knee-high boots with heels, and that those boots would be the downfall of my hunt as I slipped up the stairs.  
  
Eventually, I reached the sidewalk and Sana and Chaeyoung had just exited the elevator with perplexed looks on their faces.  
  
"Mina, what happened?" Sana asked.  
  
"SOMEBODY STOLE MY BA—"  
  
On spur of the moment, Son Chaeyoung dropped her belongings and started to follow the man that I was pointing at. The whole chasing scene became a game of cat and mouse. Yet I didn't expect Chaeyoung to be such a fast runner. She took off at the speed of light, hunting down the pickpocket in her Puma high tops and not sparing a single break between spurts. Sana and I dragged behind to catch up with the percussionist.  
  
He took a glance in our direction, "What are you d—"  
  
Sana and I were just two blocks away from the fight, but we witnessed their every move. Chaeyoung threw herself onto the dreadlocked thief and I could only scream when he bared a sharp dagger from a knife guard attached to his belt. He attempted to stab Chaeyoung and I was scared shitless. But she instantly grabs him by the neck, causing him the flinch backwards and allowing herself to avoid the slash.  
  
"What is going on?" I ask Sana, still running and trying to catch my breath.  
  
"Chaeyoung's father is a Taekwondo instructor", Sana discloses.  
  
Wow. Chaeyoung isn't as vulnerable as I thought.  
  
The small girl swung back around and gave the thief a fast and impacting kick in the ribs, He howled in torment but still raced towards her. Chaeyoung gave him a sharp punch to the jaw, powerful enough to knock him out. By the time Sana and I arrived at the scene, Chaeyoung had my bassoon case hugged in her arms, not a single wound carved on her pure face from the thief's dagger. The rumble between the two would soon call the attention of the cops. Turns out that the dreadlocked man had committed many acts of theft before and I wasn't his only victim.  
  
"Thanks... really..." I tell Chaeyoung as she hands the case back to me with a smile. I'm nearly in tears at the thought of almost losing my bassoon. As the instrument case reaches my arms, I start to affectionately hug it and sob into it. Chaeyoung was giggling at me in the background.  
  
Sana gestures to Chaeyoung and then turns to me, "Chaeyoung says that she was glad to help, especially after you defended her in rehearsals."  
  
"I'm never losing you ever again!" I talk to my bassoon almost as if it's a person.  
  
"You're revealing your soft side, Myoui", Sana teased.

* * *

**The Forty-Sixth Measure**

Juillard Orchestra rehearsals went swell. Reina wasn't here today and I was able to traipse my way through _Polovstian Dances_  without actually practicing. I've never procrastinated before so I was fearful of the outcome, but frankly I'm surprised that everything went well.  
  
Now it's time for Pops Orchestra rehearsals.  
  
Never in my entire Juilliard career has Maestro Gilbert ever called for sectionals — a gathering where people within the same sections get together and go over each other parts and make the necessary tweaks if there are any technical difficulties. There was never a need for that in the Juilliard Orchestra because everyone is expected to be at their A-game, follow the score accordingly, and create a collective, homogenous sound.  
  
Apparently, the Pops Orchestra begs to differ. Maestro Ishii formulated a plan where each section would group together and go over their parts in _My Neighbor Totoro_. Everybody attentively followed her directions and dispersed within their respective instrument group.  
  
My group remained inside because the freezing cold from outside wouldn't be suitable for our temperature-sensitive instruments. The main stage was occupied by the first violins and the percussion section, so me, Yerin, and SinB followed Mark and Junior to a place within the Alice Tully Hall that they claimed was "the perfect hideout" — the staircase. And I'm not talking about those velvety steps at the front lobby where guests can be ushered to the balcony seats and whatnot; I'm talking about thost dusty ones leading to the trap room downstairs, where there's a number of dangerous electrical equipment lying around and extra stage floors looming all over our heads like ghosts.  
  
"Is this place where you two get together and put the wand in the Chamber of Secrets?" SinB inquires the two boys in our section, using a euphemism most often used by Harry Potter fans to imply sexual intercourse. I only know about this term thanks to Mingyu.  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Hwang Eunbi", Mark chides.  
  
I knew that "SinB" wasn't her real name.  
  
"Woah", Yerin gasps in awe, like an excited four year-old girl, "This place reminds me of that freaky elevator ride at Disney World. The one that keeps going up and down and up and down and up and down and..."  
  
The words 'up and down' make SinB, Mark, and Junior snicker like immature middle schoolers.  
  
"All of you, shut your mouths and get focused on practice", I don't waste any time assembling my bassoon and I prop my sheet music on the music stand that I latched from upstairs.  
  
Maestro Ishii arranged for each section of the orchestra to have their own feature during Sanpo (Stroll), one of the original soundtracks from Totoro. This means that my entire bassoon section will have our little verse at some point during the happy-go-lucky piece. Therefore, I'm keen on getting all of my members to play up to standard before the entire orchestra rehearses together. I'm not going to get humiliated this time.  
  
I take a deep breath and—  
  
*CLACK*  
  
"SHIT!" I scream as a wooden floorboard flies from the ceiling and drops dead onto the ground, only a few inches away from my head. My reed falls behind my teeth and scrapes the roof of my mouth. I was an inch close to actually choking on that piece of cane.  
  
"Oh yeah, Mina. For the record, that's normal here", Junior casually grins and I'm about to punch him square in the nuts for endangering my life.  
  
"If that large platform hits me upside on the head, I'm making you pay for my medical bill", I jeer at him. I've dealt with enough today.  
  
"I can pay for it", he brags.  
  
I pay no mind to his cocky remark and I fixate my eyes on the score again, licking my lips before pulling them over my teeth, placing the reed in, and then creating a seal with my lips. Yerin, Junior, and SinB come in a few seconds late and Mark, the contrabassoonist, is lost in his own head as to where we are. At the end of the short section, I stopped playing and inhaled a sharp breath, not knowing what to do with these numskulls.  
  
"Can we try that again?" I asked sweetly, feigning a gentle smile.  
  
My section complied and we played the short section together again. And again. And again.  
  
"Can I hear you guys play again?" I command.  
  
"Sure!" my section chants in unison.  
  
"Individually?"  
  
The four of them were spooked. None of them wanted to be put on the spot, but I did anyways.  
  
The idea of having each member of the section play one-by-one was a ploy that I most frequently used with Mingyu, Joshua, Vernon, and Jun when I felt that they weren't taking rehearsals seriously enough. It was a successful trick to scare Joshua into actually practicing outside of class rather than holing himself up in his dorm room to play League of Legends with Mingyu and Vernon or watch [hentai](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hentai) with Jun.  
  
I then halted my own playing to inspect the other members: Junior can't hit the low notes, Mark is just 'okay' yet he's not using enough air to fill up the contrabassoon, and Yerin must be playing on a sucky reed because she sounds too sharp. I figured that SinB was the worst among all five of us because she can't even get the basic embouchure down — you're supposed to cover your teeth with your lips so that you don't bite down on the reed and destroy it, but she's gnawing on it like a rabbit. How the heck did she even get accepted into this school? Did she bribe the president or use some other ludicrous tactic to get in? This girl is a mindboggler.  
  
"Did any of you guys warm up beforehand?" it's apparent my patience was wearing thin, but I hide my anger in the end. "Like, at all?"  
  
"I practiced for five minutes!" Yerin announced as if it were a good thing, when it's actually not.  
  
"I tried", SinB faltered.  
  
"I forgot." Mark shrugged.  
  
"I don't need to warm up", Junior said with a smug look on his face.  
  
Is this seriously how they function?  
  
"Well... let's just— OH FUCK!" A striking pain blew through the left side of my head, like a balloon bursting after it has reached its limits. After the bang, there was this brief moment of silence before the piercing ring in my ear commenced.  
  
"Mina, what happened?" I could faintly hear Yerin's voice through my right ear.  
  
"I... I need to use the restroom", I tucked my score under my arm so that I could use both hands to carry my bassoon up the stairs.  
  
On my way to the backstage area, I drifted by the horn section, in which all of its members are sitting on the floor and laughing at each other. Sana was sitting at the head of their circle, her eyes reading of relaxed joy and unrestrainted mirth. I didn't know what they were laughing at, but every single member looks so relaxed and contented. They look like they're having fun. _I wonder how Sana's section functions on a regular basis?_ After a few seconds of Sana's section joking around, I regained some of my hearing and could hear them rehearse their verse in _Sanpo (Stroll)_.  
  
And they sound so good. The low horns act as a substantial support system for the high horns, and their united joyous music wades into my cerebral cortex, so upbeat yet so pleasant. Every single player stands out, and Sana shines even brighter. It's astounding how much her mood influences her music, compared to Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals where Maestro would tell her to hold back in the third movement of Mahler Five.  
  
"Mina!" Sana noticed, supporting herself off the floor and leaving the circle of horn players.  
  
"Oh, hello", I acknowledged.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
I pull Sana behind the red curtains so that we could have a confidential conversation, just the two of us and nobody else, "Remember what I told you earlier today? I felt that ringing sensation in my ears again. But this time, it was even louder."  
  
Sana's facial expression changed, "Do you need to go to the infirmiry?"  
  
"That's the thing! What if Dr. Schmidhuber tells my parents about this?"  
  
"So what if he tells your parents?" Sana inquired and I was getting frustrated because she didn't get the memo.  
  
"They're going to disown me because I'll be useless to them!" I spat.  
  
The horn player crossed her arms, "But surely, you're not going to pay for the medical bill yourself. So what are you going to do?"  
  
Sana always drives me to this brick wall where she's right and I'm wrong. And then I can't counter her because I don't have any facts or experience to use as backup. I'd hate to admit that she does have a point. I've never had a part-time job before and don't have any means of earning money except from the monthly allowance that my dad gives me, and I have to use that kind of cash for food, laundry, school supplies, instrument maintenance, and what have you. I don't even get to keep the prize money that I win at music competitions because my parents don't trust me with that kind of cash. I can't believe that I'm almost twenty-one years-old and I'm still being tied to a leash. It sucks.  
  
"C'mon Mina. Being a office aide isn't that bad", I knew that she'd bring this topic up again, "You don't get much work and you still get paid."  
  
"I know, but—"  
  
"What are you two doing back here?" Dahyun pokes her head in between two curtains, "Selling your service to Venus?"  
  
I've heard enough intercourse euphemisms in one day, "Yeah, we're obviously doing sex."  
  
"Doing sex with the bassoon?" Dahyun doesn't catch my sarcasm and she just stares at my instrument. _Oh my god. This girl is so stupid._  
  
"Why are you here?" Sana steps up to ask the double bassist.  
  
"My job is to rally up everyone and I've been searching for you two for ten minutes. Group rehearsals begins in five minutes, you fuckbuddies", she tantalizes before disappearing. Dahyun is hilarious. Like Sana and I are ever going to bang each other with our instruments and with our clothes on.  
  
Hah. Like I'll ever do certain things with Sana in my entire life.  
  
Just when I settle down in my chair and drop my reed in its cup, a raspy voice shouts in my ear. "MINA!"  
  
"Jesus!" I jerk my head suddenly and notice SinB standing behind me, "Don't scare me like that!"  
  
SinB starts twiddling with her fingers, "I don't know if you've noticed, but I suck at playing the bassoon."  
  
"Yeah, I've noticed", I said bluntly.  
  
SinB looked like she was about to cry.  
  
"Uh... uhhh...." _Goddammit Mina Myoui. Why can't you be nice for once?_ "B-But you're not bad! A-Anyways, what did you want to ask me?"  
  
"I'm just wondering if you give lessons. Like, private lessons", she requested.  
  
I've given private lessons before, more clarinet lessons rather than bassoon lessons (Because no kid wanted to play the bassoon. I mean, who would? The bassoon requires an enormous lung capacity, long and agile fingers, and lots of patience — traits that most children don't typically have). I taught five kids aged 10-16 in the pre-college division — four clarinetists and one bassoonist — over the course of my first and second year at Juilliard, all of whom hailed from wealthy families. Rich families have this notion that forcing their kids to play an instrument would make them look good when they apply to Ivy League Schools. My parents make a lot of money too, but the only difference between my parents and other rich parents is that they desired for me to attend Juilliard, which isn't an Ivy League School.  
  
I hated teaching, but of course I couldn't say that aloud because I would've gotten fired. Rich parents have a way of finding a fault in everything people they employed did. I would know because my parents are no exception to that generalization. Three of the five kids that I taught preferred to text and play phone games rather than pay attention to my instructions and practice. Kids shouldn't even have smart phones at that young of an age; I didn't even get my own phone until I was in high school. When the day of the pre-college division showcase arrived and my mentees had to perform, those kids could barely squeak out the entirety of _Simple Gifts_ or _Amazing Grace_  or any other easy-ass solo that they chose. Their parents blamed me for anything that went wrong even though it wasn't my fault. I felt ecstatic to know that I didn't get any teaching offers for this year.  
  
"So will you be giving out private lessons?" SinB repeated.  
  
_Man, should I? I have to rehearse six pieces in the timespan of two weeks. I don't think I can do it._  
  
"Don't you have a designated private teacher for bassoon? Like Dr. Cseszenky or Dr. Holland or Dr. Greenwich or—"  
  
"I'm a dance major", she chewed on the nail of her index finger.  
  
_Oh dear god.  
  
I knew that there was something wrong with this girl._  
  
"Er..." _What am I going to do with her?_  
  
"I played bassoon in concert band and clarinet in my high school marching band!" SinB chirped, as if it would add anything to her credentials, "And if you don't think that I have a good lung capacity, I was a colorguard member for Carolina Crown for five years and counting! Didn't you march before, Mina?"  
  
I wrinkled my brow, "You can't march with a _bassoon_."  
  
"So do you want to teach me?" SinB re-routed to her original question.  
  
I'm starting to become puzzled, "Why are you even here? Like, in the bassoon section?"  
  
"I'm a huge fan of you!"  
  
_Not this again..._  
  
"So how much for one lesson?"  
  
"I'm expensive."  
  
"Please, please, please!" SinB kneeled to the ground as if she were trying to kiss my feet. I'm so alarmed at this scene, that I carried my bassoon and stepped back, "I'd do anything to learn from the greatest bassoonist at Juilliard! Heck, even in the world!"  
  
"Four hundred per lesson."  
  
SinB drops a check of four thousand dollars on my lap.  
  
_What in the—_  
  
"Ten lessons, Myoui", she briefs to me like I didn't know how to do math.  
  
"Where in the hell did you get—"  
  
"Don't worry about how I acquire the money. Daddy has a doctorate and he bought a bassoon for me to learn", SinB talks in the same fashion as Reina does when she brags about her parents and I wanted to puke, "He makes six figures a year. He's your music theory professor too."  
  
"L-Let me think about it", I push the check away from me.

* * *

**The Forty-Seventh Measure**

Friday: October 9, 2020  
  
"Dr. Schmidhuber is waiting for you down that hall", Umji points at the same exact room where I was in a few days ago.  
  
The cream colored walls of the checkup room never failed to give me the creeps. Dr. Schmidhuber and I are sitting in stools facing each other and the jovial old man tried to chitchat with me about frivolous topics such as how I decide what to wear or how to do my makeup for concert nights. I mean, half of my wardrobe is concert black and I always preferred to wear [long dresses with lace sleeves](https://www.google.com/search?site=&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1366&bih=662&q=long+black+dresses+with+lace+sleeves&oq=long+black+dresses+with+lace+sleeves&gs_l=img.3..0.11028.20804.0.20858.66.30.13.21.18.0.139.2686.21j9.30.0....0...1ac.1.64.img..2.55.2600...0i30k1j0i8i30k1j0i5i30k1.tddyNnL57E4). My hair would be tied up in a bun or a ponytail so that I don't catch any hair in my mouth whenever I inhaled in air. I always try to apply enough makeup to cover up imperfections like the little mole on my nose, not too much mascara so that I could read my sheet music, and I never, ever wear lipstick or lip gloss when I'm playing my bassoon. I don't want to risk staining my handmade reeds.  
  
I digress.  
  
"So, Ms. Myoui", Dr. Schmidhuber backtracks and stays on topic, "I need to tell you something."  
  
_Of course you do. That's why you called me in here._  
  
"You might need an MRI', he reveals, "Your CT scans are unclear and we need a better foundation to recognize the supposed disease you may be encountering. But there are some complications with the process of acquiring an MRI."  
  
Seriously?  
  
My voice came out small, "I'm sorry? Complications?"  
  
Dr. Schmidhuber sighed, "The Juilliard School's Health Services Center doesn't have that kind of technology. We thought about scheduling an appointment for your MRI at the Columbia University Medical Center. The complications are that your guaranteed health insurance at Juilliard can't cover medical costs outside of school. Considering the fact that you're unemployed, your parents may have to be involved to cover the costs."  
  
My parents can't know that I have to borrow money from them.   
  
I was shaking in my seat, "Y-You don't need to contact my parents! I'll figure out a way to pay for the medical bill myself."  
  
"And how will you do that?"

_"Are you interested in becoming an office aide with me for the Disability Resources Center?"_

_"So will you be giving out private lessons?"_

"I... I'm getting two jobs!" I claimed.  
  
"Really?" His eyes lit up, "What are you going to do?"  
  
My voice was getting shaky, "Like, I... I will be giving private lessons and I'm going to become an office aide for the Disability Resources Center."  
  
"Oh, that's cool!" Dr. Schmidhuber bought my word and then he took out a USB, in which he sandwiched it between the index finger and the thumb of his right hand, "If that's the case, we'll schedule your MRI. I don't know the exact date and time yet but Nurse Lui will shoot you and your roommate an e-mail. I believe that her name is Sana Minatozaki."  
  
Man.  
  
Now I have to give SinB private lessons and work at the Disability Resources Center with Sana and Chaeyoung. But at least I have a way to pay the medical fees without letting my parents know. I wonder how I'm going to balance work with the six pieces that I have to practice in two weeks The Juilliard Orchestra's second concert will be on the 17th of October, and then I have to play in the pit orchestra for the Dance Division's showcase on the 18th of October. I don't know when the Pops Orchestra will be holding their opening night as Jihyo and Momo haven't updated the Pops Orchestra's webpage nor have they sent me any texts regarding that fact. And then there's also midterms.  
  
I wonder how I'm going to live.

* * *

**BONUS (Lesson Number One)**  
  
Saturday: October 10, 2020  
  
Neon lights flash and city cars added to the sound effects with blaring, honking horns. It can be quite busy but the scampering and commotion of the people make the city what it is, New York City. The skyscrapers are immensely tall that just hover over you feeling enclosed, a great feeling. Every building is ignited with hundreds of thousands of rich, vibrant lights and colorful, electronic posters.  
  
"So how did your first lesson with Mina go?" Yerin asked SinB.  
  
Jung Yerin spotted the poor dance major sleeping on a bench outside of the dormitory after her one-hour lesson with Mina Myoui. So she offered to treat SinB out for dinner to regain her energy before Pops Orchestra Rehearsals that night.  
  
Unfortunately, being the broke college girl that Yerin is, the best thing that she could do for SinB was to buy her a cup of coffee from freaking McDonalds. That and french fries — lots of them. SinB doesn't quite understand how a dainty girl like Yerin could demolish a container of large fries within one sitting. SinB had to buy even more fries to satisfy the empty feeling in her stomach. And perhaps the emptiness in her lungs too.  
  
"Hell, but Mina knows her shit", Hwang Eunbi's words came out dry.  
  
Yerin was confounded at her implication, "You sound dead. What happened?"  
  
SinB pondered, swirling her cup of coffee with a plastic spoon, "Well..."  
  
\------  
  
**[Flashback to three hours ago]  
  
SinB arrived a bit too early to the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall from her house on the West Side of Manhattan.    
  
Mina was already warming up by the time the elevator climbed to the twenty-fifth floor, where her dorm room is. The young girl doesn't understand how Mina Myoui manages to sound so damn beautiful when she plays her bassoon in a low, soft volume. H** **er tone quality would come out so ethereal and so divine that her bassoon resonated with that of the human voice itself. It wasn't one of those technical pieces that demanded recognition or pleasure, but Mina emitted a sound that called for peacefulness and serenity, one of the most beautiful attributes a human can ever possess. Her bassoon was a lone, baritone voice singing from one of the most beautiful cathedrals in Europe.  
  
"You're early", Mina caught her mentee entranced by her own damn playing.  
  
SinB wasn't even paying attention to the pretty bassoonist standing in front of her, "Oh, shit! Hi!"  
  
God damn. Mina looks so elegant up close with her sensuous eyes, expertly-applied makeup, and dark red hair shimmering under the lamp lights on the wall. SinB also doesn't understand how Mina manages to look so well-put-together everyday. Even her clothes look glamorous on a lazy Saturday afternoon — an olive green sweater dress, black stockings, ankle boots, hoop earrings, and gold bangles on her left hand.  
  
"What piece were you just playing in there?" SinB asked.  
  
" ** _[Saint-Saëns' Sonata](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nin9kFXy3Oc)_ ", Mina licks her lips and SinB finds it so damn attractive.  
  
"Your playing is very beautiful", she complimented.  
  
Mina seemed doubtful for some reason, "Really? It's not perfect, though."  
  
SinB is confused as to why Mina would say that. But just when things couldn't get any better, Mina grasps SinB's with her smooth hand and leads her inside the room. From that moment, SinB feels as if she's been touched by an angel.  
**  
  
She enters and sees that the walls of Mina's dorm room were sprinkled with posters of Yoona and other Japanese boy groups. A desk sat in one corner, littered with wadded up pieces of cane and other reed-making supplies. A few shelves were pushed against the walls and filled with books and music scores. Some books sat on the floor in front of the shelves. Her bassoon was resting on its stand next to the lamp table.  
  
"You like Im Yoona a lot, huh?" SinB questions her mentor.  
  
"No", Mina shook her head, "My roommate does. She's a horn player."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
\------**

"She held your hand! Oh my god!" Yerin squealed, knocking over her empty cup of coffee with her elbow.  
  
"Dammit, girl. I'm not done yet", SinB scolded, "Now where was I...?"  
  
**\------**  
  
**"Wait", Mina pauses and SinB takes the endpiece of her yellow balloon out of her mouth. Mina was trying to determine SinB's lung capacity when SinB's balloon doesn't even begin to inflate. The two girls haven't even touched their own bassoons yet.  
  
"I give up", SinB exhales, almost out of breath, "I can't even blow up a damn balloon."  
  
"Hwang Eunbi, you can't end it there. You can't expect to get a clear note out of a bassoon if you don't even know how to breathe properly", Mina informs. SinB is shocked that Mina would even address her by her legal name.  
  
She sulked, "I thought that I had good lung capacity."  
  
"There's a difference between having good lung capacity and knowing how to use your lungs", Mina stated, her right leg over her left.  
  
"Can you even blow up a balloon?" A dumb question slips from her mouth.   
  
Mina's eyebrow raises to her hairline, "Of course I can."  
  
Mina snatches the deflated yellow balloon from SinB and starts to blow into it herself. It doesn't even take ten seconds for the bassoon virtuoso to fully inflate the balloon. And then the next thing SinB could ever expect, Mina pops the balloon not with a sharp object, but with the air extracted from her lungs. SinB thinks that Mina must have the vital capacity of a whale to be able to pop a balloon with her own breath.  
  
"How did you do that?" She questions dumbfoundedly.  
  
"The problem is that you're breathing from your chest", Mina places her hand just above SinB's breasts and the dance major is about to go nuts. And then Mina's hand travels down to SinB's stomach and her face feels as hot as a chili pepper. "While you're expelling air with your mouth, you should be intaking air with your nose. ** **The air you breath in through your nose should go all the way down to your belly. Breathe with the diaphragm, and then you should feel your own belly rising up and down."  
  
SinB stares at the cute little mole on Mina's nose, "Breathe with my what?"  
  
"Your diaphragm", Mina repeats,"It's just below your chest cavity."  
  
"Below my what?"  
  
Mina sighs, poking her finger somewhere on SinB's body, indicating the diaphragm, "Right here."**  
  
**\------**  
  
"SHE TOUCHED YOUR BODY TOO?" Yerin screamed, frightening the customers sitting close to their table.  
  
SinB shoved a french fry into her friend's mouth, "Shut up!"   
  
"But still, I can't believe that you can't blow up a balloon!" Yerin's laugh is so loud that her own voice could fill up the entire facility.  
  
"Can't you learn to keep your voice down?" SinB scolded, "And besides, can _you_ even blow up a balloon?"  
  
"Of course I can!" she uses the same response as Mina.  
  
SinB pulled out the yellow balloon from her purse and handed it over to her rambunctious friend. The yellow balloon looked exhausted and drained and sad, until Yerin put it to her lips and started to blow into it. She doesn't inflate the balloon as fast as Mina does, and she doesn't pop the balloon like Mina did either, but she still manages to enlarge the yellow balloon to its normal size.   
  
"Fuck you, Yerin", SinB muttered, sucking on her straw.  
  
"What? I've been playing the bassoon longer than you have!" Yerin defends, handing the now inflated balloon back to SinB.  
  
"I'm never going to get better at this stupidly hard instrument", SinB stares at her own case, sitting on the chair across from her.  
  
As if drunken by the single cup of coffee that she consumed, Yerin stood up on her chair, raised her cup, and declared, "Hah! Why are we talking about such depressing matters now? Let's celebrate your victory in earning fourth chair bassoon in the Pops Orchestra!"  
  
"Fourth fucking chair", SinB repeats morbidly, "That means that I'm the worst player."  
  
Her friend attempted to sound optimistic, "But at least you have _some_ experience playing musical instruments."  
  
"I'm seriously kicking myself for not becoming a music major in the first place", SinB's head falls to the surface of the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sectionals - The term "sectionals" is used when the band breaks off into its individual "sections" (usually divided by the instrument you play) in order to practice as a group. During this time, the section leader usually helps the section members work on what they need help with the most.
> 
> Embouchure - the use of facial muscles and the shaping of the lips to the mouthpiece of woodwind instruments or the mouthpiece of the brass instruments. Each instrument has a unique embouchure that takes time and practice to learn. A well-developed embouchure helps a player develop good sound quality; a poorly developed embouchure leads to poor sound quality. 
> 
> Colorguard - Color guard uses various equipment, such as flags, rifles, and sabres, along with dance, to express dynamic passages in the music accompanying the marching band show or winterguard show. Usually marching bands and color guards perform during football games at halftime, out of tradition. During marching band competitions, the guard adds to the overall score of the band and is also judged in a category usually called auxiliary. Winterguard competitions are very similar to marching band competitions.


	10. scherzo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Apologizes for the late update everyone! I had college midterms and I had to write three papers

_scherzo_  
Italian, literally 'jest.'  
A light, "joking" or playful musical form, originally and usually in fast triple metre, often replacing the minuet in the later Classical Period and the Romantic Period, in symphonies, sonatas, string quartets and the like; in the 19th century some scherzi were independent movements for piano, etc.

**The Forty-Eighth Measure**

Sunday: October 11, 2020  
  
"Girls, thank you so much for all of your hard work today", Ms. Chan grins as Sana, Chaeyoung, and I are about to depart. I had to inwardly laugh at that statement because the only manual job that was assigned to me was sharpening pencils during our three-hour shift.   
  
"See Mina? I told you that work wouldn't be that bad!" Sana slaps my back.  
  
Sana was right, actually. I didn't have to do anything except sharpen pencils since nobody visits the Disability Resources Center other than Son Chaeyoung. And after finishing such a simple task, I spent the most of my time studying my current repetoire and writing important notes on my sheet music. I also finished all of my homework for the week so I had time to learn a few hand signs from both Sana and Chaeyoung. I can construct a simple sentence yet at the moment, my skills could only be classified as basic at best.  
  
That's right. I'm beginning to learn sign language. Not because I didn't have faith in my hearing abilities, but because I've realized that it's boring and straining to keep jotting down notes on Chaeyoung's sketchbook rather than have a face-to-face conversation. And then whenever Chaeyoung would be pulled into such a long group, nobody would say a single word to her. Everyone in the area would forget about Chaeyoung because she can't listen in on any conversation. She didn't have her hearing aids either because her parents couldn't afford to buy her a new set to insert into her ears. The sketchbook just acted as a convenience to those who can hear, but Chaeyoung sought it as tedious because her wrists would be swore from playing percussion instruments, namely those in the mallet category, and she wouldn't have much of the strength to write on each page.   
  
Chaeyoung's hands go up and her eyes glitter at me,  _"Your sign language is good."_  
  
_"Thanks"_ , I gesture back.  
  
Chaeyoung is communicating with Sana, using hand signals that I'm not quite familiar with yet. Then Sana turns to me to open her mouth, "Chaeyoung is quite surprised that you picked up sign language quite fast. You learned twenty words in one day!"  
  
I shrugged, "I guess that I tend to memorize things easily."  
  
"That makes me wonder why you couldn't pick up standard Japanese as fast", Sana pesters.  
  
My elbow jabs my friend's ribs, "Oh shut up!"  
  
"By the way, whatever plans you have for today, throw it out the window", Sana dusts her baby pink jacket and looks extremely unrelenting, "Chaeyoung and I are going to treat you out to dinner before Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals tonight."  
  
I stared incredibly at the horn player, "Are you serious? I need to practice."  
  
"You _always_ practice! You even skipped lunch and locked yourself in practice room for five hours this afternoon", she complains like a little girl whose mommy won't buy her favorite doll, "Mina, you need to take break. You need to take care of yourself."  
  
I didn't see what her big deal was. "I'll just eat a bag of chips."  
  
"You need to eat _actual_ food, little duck", Sana repeats sternly.  
  
"I didn't say that you could use that nickname", I inform the dopey girl, slinging my bassoon case over my back, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to—"  
  
We had already stepped foot outside of the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall when Chaeyoung pulled my arm and gawked at me, dejectedly. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes cast down onto the concrete floor in a mournful gaze, like a dog that would have their head hung down low after being scolded by its owner. Her mouth was set in a semi-pout.   
  
Dammit. Now I feel like a bad person again.  
  
"Fine, I'll go", I tell Sana.  
  
"Yippee! Mina is coming!" the blonde girl jumps up and down and claps her hands in a rapid motion.

* * *

**The Forty-Ninth Measure**

When Sana mentioned that she and Chaeyoung would take me out to dinner, I didn't think that we would be taking a long-ass, forty-minute train ride from the Lincoln Center to The Bronx via the New York City metro. The train car was so crowded that I had to prop my body against the sliding doors. And whenever passengers filed in and out, I had to move out of their way. I was more scared of getting mixed into the crowd and losing my instrument than falling off the platform and stepping unto the train tracks on accident. I didn't want the past circumstances to come into play again, so I hugged my bassoon case close to my chest so that it never left my sight.    
  
"Where are we even going?" I had to raise my voice over the whining railroad tracks.  
  
"Dahyun and Tzuyu's", Sana responds, her arm suspending from the train ring above. Her left hand has gotten so red from holding onto the wrap so tightly for a long period of time, so she switches to her right hand and transfers her horn case to her left hand.  
  
I've noticed that every time I the train comes to a stop, I temporarily lose my hearing until I step outside and the rampant noises of the train station begin to die down. I have to endure eight stops before we even reach our destination, and that doesn't take into the account the amount of time it takes to walk from the Third Avenue-149th Street station to their living space in Mott Haven. I had to pinch my nose with my fingers to fend off the pungent smell of cannabis as the three of us scurried down the sidewalk, outrunning the strong winds.    
  
Dahyun and Tzuyu share a one-bedroom in a subsidized apartment building, also known as a public housing project. They cater to broke college students and low-income residents of the Bronx so the facilities aren't exactly spick and span. I recoiled at the afterimage of the shared bathroom down the hallways, which was somewhat in ruins. The formica laminate peeled from the vanities and the enamel was chipped in the sink. A thick line of grime made a high tide mark around the tub, hair was sticking out of the shower drain, and pink scum grew around toilet bowl. Tzuyu and Dahyun had just stepped out of their room when they noticed that I was about to puke onto the carpeted floor.  
  
"That bathroom is a mess!" I griped, trying to inhale in whatever fresh air could brew from the opened side window of the hallway.  
  
Dahyun mocked me by pressing my check with her sturdy, double-bass playing fingers, "Oh, Mina. You're such a princess."  
  
"Fuck you", I snapped back at her.  
  
Then Jeongyeon followed behind the slender cellist and the diminutive double bassist, "Bassoon-chan! You actually came!"  
  
"Don't call me that!"  
  
The three girls led me, Sana, and Chaeyoung into the quintessential apartment room when Momo Hirai introduced us to a wide table with an assortment of food — mainly Mexican food including four bags of nacho chips, quesadillas, and an enormous bowl of some kind of cheese dip Momo claimed to have whipped up herself in Dahyun and Tzuyu's quaint little kitchenette. Much to my surprise, there's no sight of alcohol.  
  
Jeongyeon heeds my thirsty expression, "Jihyo and Nayeon are fetching the booze from the corner store down the street."  
  
Never mind what I had said about not having alcohol.  
  
I shake my head, "I don't want to get waste—"  
  
She just mentioned Nayeon.  
  
I haven't reonciled with that girl since we broke out into a verbal brawl at In-N-Out. We don't even talk to each other in Pops Orchestra Rehearsals despite the two of us being arranged to sit next to each other every single day. Nayeon daydreams until Jeongyeon or Jihyo try to wake her up.  
  
Either that, or she's just incredibly high on drugs.  
  
Sana waves her hand in front of my face, "Earth to Mina! Earth to Mina!"  
  
"Is she okay?" Tzuyu takes a glance at her girlfriend, whose legs are sprawled all over their green vintage couch while playing _Titanfall_.  
  
"Mina will be awake once I announce the festivities that will take place today. Dubu, get your butt off the couch", Jeongyeon demanded, "We're going to play a fun game once Jihyo and Nayeon return from the cornerstore with the Corona."  
  
Dahyun was half-listening, too engrossed in completing a mission in her precious first-person shooter game, "We're going to what?"  
  
Jeongyeon sighed, "Dammit, Dahyun. I'm not going to say it again."  
  
"Let's play 'Truth or Dare'!" Sana playfully insisted.  
  
"Yes!" Tzuyu agreeed.  
  
"Fuck no", Dahyun objected, dropping her Xbox game controller,  "You always gave me the dirty dares."  
  
"That's what makes the game more exciting, you little shit", Tzuyu chaffed, drenching her nachos in a shit ton of Momo's outrageous, homemade cheese dip. She shot teasing eyes at her indifferent lover. Dahyun retaliated by shooting nasty looks at the cellist.  
  
"I agree with Chewy here", Jeongyeon nods, "Instead of making the choices optional, let's make the truth or dares go by random. And to make the occassion even more enticing, if you choose not to do a dare or tell the truth, then you have to take a shot of beer. "  
  
_Not this again..._  
  
"I'm sorry, what?" Momo said, confusedly.  
  
"We'll flip a coin", Jeongyeon suggests, searching for a dime from her leather wallet, "If its "heads", then the choice is truth. If its "tails", then the choice is dare. And if you choose not to comply with either of the two events, then you have to take a shot of beer."  
  
Tzuyu calls everybody to attention, "So I'm assuming that everybody is familiar with the rules, right?"   
  
"How do you play "Truth or Dare"?" I asked.  
  
Dahyun choked on her glass of water, "Goddammit, Mina. You really do live under a rock."  
  
"The game is pretty self-explanatory", Sana begins to explain, "If you get a "truth", then someone will ask you a question and you have to give an honest answer. If you get "dare", then you have to carry out the deed that the person instructs you to do. If you decline, then you have to drink."  
  
I showed scorn, "Sounds pretty fucking childish if you ask me."  
  
Tzuyu snickers at me, "Oh trust me, Mina. You haven't seen anything yet."  
  
As soon as Jihyo and Nayeon return with twenty-four bottles of Corona Light, all nine of us sit in a circle on top of Dahyun and Tzuyu's beige carpet, looking like a bunch of little school girls having a slumber party. Momo takes initiative to transfer all of the snacks from the dining table and throw everything in the middle of our circle, her uncannily cheese dip smack in the center of attention. Jihyo uncaps one of the beer bottles and steals a bunch of shotglasses from the kitchen cabinet, not bothering to wash any of them. Sana sits next to Chaeyoung so that she could act as her translator.   
  
"Alrighty!" Jeongyeon stands on top of a stool, declaring herself the leader of the group, "Let the games begin!"

**[KIM DAHYUN]**

Dahyun is the first person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Tails."  
  
"Dubu's gotta do a dare!" Momo cheers.  
  
"Fucking shit", the double bassist swore softly.  
  
"I want you to give your girlfriend a lap dance", Jeongyeon cajoles.  
  
_Jesus Christ. It's only the first round and Jeongyeon is already raising the bar this high?_  
  
"Gladly", Dahyun exerts a creepy smile and Tzuyu is welcomely amused. I closed my eyes before Dahyun could even begin to sit on Tzuyu's lap.

**[MOMO HIRAI]**

Turns out that there was no lap-dancing. Dahyun just propped her ass on Tzuyu's thighs until the taller girl pushed her off.

Momo is the second person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Tails".  
  
"Momo", Jeongyeon begins, "You know that young, hot bassoon teacher at Juilliard, right? The one in which every girl desires to sleep with? I want you to call and tell him, in a low and sexy voice, that you love him. So much that you're dying for his dick."  
  
"Which teacher?"  
  
Jeongyeon must be talking about my private teacher, Dr. Cseszneky. I mean, the only other few bassoon teachers in Juilliard are all over the age of fifty and don't even look fuckable in the slightest — one of them is openly gay and married, the second one is the dramatic German man that Mingyu always complains about, and the third one looks like a bootleg Gandalf from _Lord of the Rings,_ minus all that magic.  
  
"The Ryan Gosling look-alike", Nayeon clarifies.  
  
"I don't have his number", Momo says, popping a chip in her mouth.  
  
"Mina does", Sana announces.  
  
"I'm not giving away my private instructor's number if you're going to admit that you have a craving for his d— HEY!"  
  
Before I could finish my sentence, the horn player plucks my phone out of my purse and starts poking in some numbers. Wondrously, she bypasses my lockscreen and starts scrolling through my list of contacts. Sana stares at me, disdainfully, "Really, Mina? 1-2-3-4 is such a lame passcode."  
  
"DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD!" I scold. _Awesome. Now I have to go through the trouble of making up a new passcode._  
  
"Found him!" Sana exclaims.  
  
I glared at her with contempt, "Don't you dare use my phone to call him."  
  
"It's okay, Mina. We're not sadists", Jihyo assures, "Sana! Give me Mina's phone."  
  
Sana pouts at the violist and she hands over my phone. Momo takes a few glimpses over Jihyo's shoulder so that she could copy down the number of my private teacher on her phone. I'm surprised at how coolly Momo acts when she dials down Dr. Cseszneky's number. I'm just sitting here, more nervous than a deer on a firing range, praying that my private teacher doesn't detect my voice.   
  
"What do I say again?" Momo asks as she waits for Dr. Cseszneky's voice.  
  
"Say that you love him and that you're dying for his dick", Jeongyeon induces.  
  
"Please cut that last part out", I beg.  
  
A few seconds later, he picks up, "Hello? Who is this?"  
  
I'm shitting my pants. He actually responded.   
  
"I..." Momo was drowning in discomfiture, and she responds completely opposite of what I instructed, "I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOUR DICK."  
  
_NOOOOOOOOO_  
  
She briskly hangs up and tosses my smartphone over to me. I buried my head in my knees as I listened to everybody's cackling. Chaeyoung was still trying to self-comprehend the situation when Sana leaned over and explained to her in sign language. Then Chaeyoung started to laugh too.

**[PARK JIHYO]**

Jihyo is the third person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Heads".  
  
"Have you ever thrown up in someone's car?" Tzuyu asks.  
  
Jihyo was getting anxious. Like hail on a glass pane, the tapping of the violist's fingers was as relentless as it was loud. Each click of the french polished nails on the wooden floor echoed the tumultuous thudding of her heart beat. I've never seen her in a nervous state before.  
  
"Yes", she coughed out, "In the back of Jeongyeon's van. After Nayeon's birthday party at the nightclub that Eunha was talking about."  
  
Jeongyeon was brought back to attention after the calling of her name, "What? My van?"  
  
"Jihyo puked in the back seat while you were driving us home from the "Asian Invasion" on my birthday", Nayeon reiterated.  
  
The timpanist bugged out, "WHAT THE H—"

**[YOO JEONGYEON]**

Jeongyeon is the fourth person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Heads."  
  
"Alright, prez", Sana initiates, "Have you ever wet someone else's bed from being too drunk?"  
  
Jeongyeon's energetic mood had also taken a dramatic 180 degree turn after Sana had asked that question. A muscle twitched involuntarily at the corner of her right eye, her mouth formed a rigid grimace. She nibbled at the frayed, formed edges of her fingernails like a starving mouse.  
  
"Yes", she sucked her teeth, "Jihyo's bed after EDC New York."  
  
The normally gentle violist scowled at her friend, "OH! SO IT WAS YOU WHO STAINED MY SHEETS!"  
  
"Look. I spilled orange juice on your bed. You puked in the back of my car", Jeongyeon counteracted, "It's fair game."  
  
That wasn't the type of "wet" that Sana was asking for.

**[SANA MINATOZAKI]**

Thankfully, Jeongyeon and Jihyo's flagrant fight sizzled down to a friendly yet rival-like laughter. I'm staring at the clock hanging above a golden-framed senior prom picture of Dahyun and Tzuyu. I'm silently hoping that the game will end soon because I don't like the direction these idiots are taking. I just want to go home and slip in a little bit of practice time before rehearsals begin.   
  
At least my stomach is filled, though.  
  
Sana is the fifth person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Heads".  
  
"What's the most embarrassing thing your roommate does?" Momo asks. She says the word 'roommate' and I know that she's talking about me.  
  
"Hey! Don't drag me into this!" I begin to protest.  
  
"Yeah, well", Jeongyeon hiccuped, "The questions don't have to pertain to the player themself."  
  
Sana opened her mouth to speak, "Anyways..."  
  
My eyes narrowed at her, "You wouldn't."  
  
"I would", Sana snorted, "There's a lot of embarrassing things that Mina has committed in the past. But if there's one eccentric idea that sticks out to me the most, it's the fact that she doesn't sleep with her pants on because they always slip off her legs while she's tossing and turning in bed..."  
  
_Kindly shut the fuck up._  
  
Sana is having fun with this question, "And you know what else? Mina sleeps with her bassoon case in b—"  
  
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" I spat.

**[CHOU TZUYU]**

Tzuyu is the sixth person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Tails".  
  
Jeongyeon walks over to the sink counter and seizes a tube of some kind of unknown green paste, "Alright, Chewy. Since you claim to be the Taiwanese goddess of spicy things, I want you to eat a spoonful of wasabi without drinking anything."  
  
"Wasabi isn't from Taiwan, you uncultured piece of crap", Tzuyu fussed.  
  
"Oh! So like the cinnamon challenge, right?" Sana brings up.  
  
"Babe. I'll feed you". Dahyun acts sweetly as Jeongyeon squeezes out a huge blob of wasabi onto a spoon.  
  
"Isn't this dangerous?" Nayeon cocks her head, "I heard that you could get a collapsed lung because of this."  
  
Tzuyu's mind changes instantly as soon as Nayeon says this, knowing that she's a smoker, "Fuck it! I'm going to take shot of beer!"

**[IM NAYEON]**

Nayeon is the seventh person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Heads".   
  
"What's your biggest regret?" Jeongyeon asks Nayeon.  
  
The clarinetist's laugh is shaky and self-depreciating, "Bickering with Mina."  
  
What the...?  
  
I did not see that coming.  
  
"Expand", Jeongyeon challenged.  
  
"After some news came across about Mina betraying Reina to protect Chaeyoung, I kind of started to gain more respect for her", Nayeon spills and I feel internally warm and nervous at the same time. "Mina has finally come to terms with herself and she left Reina's group."  
  
Oh my goodness Nayeon, you've got that all wrong. I was just mad with Reina that day. I didn't know what the hell I was thinking when I—  
  
"For Mina!" Jihyo exlaims and she raises a shotglass, everyone following suit.   
  
I zone out from the excessive cheering and my eyes dart at Nayeon, who is twirling her dark hair in endless circles with her index fingers. I don't know if I'm fully relieved because while I am glad that I'm free of Reina's almighty grasp and that I've made Chaeyoung's life a little bit better, I'm worried about the outcome of evading The Six. My parents are going to know for sure that I broke up with them because their parents are also members of the New York Philharmonic, and they're friends with my parents as well. Secrets are never safe with The Six. They take every opportunity to ruin the lives of those who leave them, just like what they did to Nayeon when they posted her nudes on social media.  
  
You know what? I take that back.  
  
I like the direction of where this game is going.

**[ME]**

"Mina!" Sana calls me back to Earth, "It's been your turn for a while."  
  
I shake my odd senses off and flip the designated coin when it lands on "Tails". _Aw crap._  
  
"So what's my dare?"  
  
"Lick the wall", Dahyun jeers.  
  
My previous worries about The Six washed out after the shorter girl revealed my dare, "Are you out of your damn mind?"  
  
"Mina, you play a fucking woodwind", Tzuyu knitted her eyebrows.  
  
"Isn't licking the wall the same thing as sucking your reed?" Momo blurts.  
  
"Excuse you, but my reeds are more sanitary than anything that you bitches hang on that stupid wall!" I bicker. Then I give a fleeting look to Nayeon — a fellow woodwind — to defend me. But she just laughs hysterically as I'm faced with this disparaging "do or die" act.  
  
Scratch that.  
  
More like "do or drink".  
  
I've decided that I'm not going to do the dare since I need my tongue to be in tact later on. I snatch the bottle of Corona Light from Jeongyeon and pour myself a glass. Swallowing hard, I gulp down my share of beer in one sitting. The other members just shrug and we carry on with the "Truth or Dare" game. _Alright. No more shots of beer. You have orchestra rehearsals in two hours and you cannot play the Rite while you're drunk._  
  
"Aww man, Mina. You're no fun", Momo slumps over.  
  
"I am NOT getting splinters on my tongue before rehearsals", I defended.  
  
"Pops Orchestra rehearsals aren't until tonight", Dahyun counters.  
  
"She's talking about the Juilliard Orchestra", Jihyo corrects.  
  
"Oh."

**[SON CHAEYOUNG]**

I think the alcohol is getting through me now.  
  
Chaeyoung is the last person to go. She flips the coin and it lands on "Tails".  
  
"Chaeyounggie", Jeongyeon stares at the younger girl. Sana is preparing to translate. "I want you to kiss the person sitting on your right."  
  
"On the lips too", Momo deceitfully adds.  
  
For a second, I forgot that she was even here. My eyes skimmed throughout the entire circle to spot where Chaeyoung is sitting. I didn't pay attention to the presence the smaller girl since she remained particularly silent throughout the entire game, laughing here and there if Sana transcribes each messy situation to her. Across from me is Jeongyeon, Momo, Nayeon, and Jihyo. Dahyun and Tzuyu are on my left. Nayeon is on Sana's right and Chaeyoung is sitting on Sana's left. I calculated that this could only mean one damn thing:  
  
"Chaeyoung has to kiss Mina!" Dahyun yells.  
  
"Pucker up, bassoon-chan", Jeongyeon gives me _that_ face.  
  
All of the other girls in the room are cheering for the percussionist to make the move. Chaeyoung's eyes dart to that one bottle of beer sitting next to Momo's cheese dip. And then her eyes dart to me. And then to the beer. And then to me. And then to the beer again.   
  
_Please drink the beer. Please drink the beer._  
  
Chaeyoung wipes off the remnants of the cheese dip from her lips with a napkin before applying lip gloss. The percussionist acts bold, doesn't even hesitate to take action at any time. She casts caution to the wind, do what Jeongyeon instructs, and leans in to brush my lips with hers. Everyone in the room squeals.   
  
So this is how my first kiss goes.  
  
With someone who was a big fan of me.  
  
Even my parents never kissed me 'goodnight' when I was a child.   
  
I've also learned that Chaeyoung isn't as innocent as I thought. I wanted to pull away before I could lose myself in the moment, but her kisses were too warm and too savory to resist. The dare goes on longer and longer than it should be.  _Oh god. I must be too drunk to keep kissing her._ Before I could even expect much more, her hands trek up my shoulders and my arms subconsciously wrap around her waist. Shivers were sent down my back as we broke apart for air. Chaeyoung smirks so overjoyed at this opportunity. She's having too much fun with me.  
  
We kept on playing for two more hours.

* * *

**The Fiftieth Measure**

"Mina", Sana chortles, "You really do have the worst alcohol tolerance among the group."  
  
I had a lot of ridiculous truths and dares, so much that I decided to take the alcohol route instead.  
  
I walked out of that apartment complex, more drunken by Chaeyoung's kisses than I've been when Sana and I played that musical drinking game. I don't even recall hearing a tingling sensation in my ears when we boarded the train heading back to Lincoln Center. My hearing zones out from the emphatic rumbling of the train wheels against the train tracks and I could faintly hear Sana and Chaeyoung giggling behind me throughout the entire ride. We arrived at the Alice Tully Hall fifteen minutes before Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals began.  
  
At least Reina isn't here.  
  
"Mina, are you okay?" Joshua asks, poking his head behind Mingyu.  
  
I try to walk down the aisle of seats as cleanly and appropriately as I can, but my wobbly legs are telling me otherwise. They are swaying – left and right. I feel as if no matter how many steps I take, I’m no closer to where I want to be.   
  
"I think she's tipsy", Jun tries to whisper, yet I can still hear him.  
  
Once I arrive at my seat, I slump down and press my fingers against my lips. It feels warm yet violated from Chaeyoung's excessive kissing. The aftermath feels even more harrowing and mentally agonizing than having two pieces of cane vibrate in between my lips, as I normally do.   
  
"You haven't even began to assemble your bassoon yet", Vernon mentions.  
  
Oh shit.  
  
Just because I'm intoxicated, doesn't mean that I'm completely absent from my surroundings. I scramble to unlock my case and connect each joint accordingly. _The boot joint, and then the tenor joint, and then the bass joint and— wait, no. The tenor joint goes on this side, and then the bass joint on this side, and then the bell and— wait, WHAT? The tenor joint should be here, and then the bell and— Holy crap. What the fuck am I doing? Are my eyes deceiving me? Why can't I differentiate between each separate joint? This is bassoon basics 101, motherfucker._  
  
"Let me help you with that", Mingyu offers to help as I struggled.  
  
"Uhh... thanks", I say, abashed.   
  
I don't even have time to pour out my reed water so I just stick a double reed in my mouth and hope that it'll moisten with my own saliva.  
  
Which I soon realized was a huge mistake.   
  
Alan Gilbert wouldn't be leading rehearsals today; it would be Kirill Petrenko, the current chief conductor of the revered Berlin Philharmonic and our guest conductor for the next concert. Instead of _Polovtsian Dances_ , he insisted on going over and troubleshooting Mahler's _Fifth Symphony —_ the longer of the two pieces included in the program. The moment I started to play, I crumbled. My reed was still dry and the opening wasn't wide enough to let in air. I found out that I needed to use much more air than I usually would to get out a decent sound. I burned out halfway through the _Scherzo_ and my lips started to ache, both from my crappy reed and from Chaeyoung's kisses.  
  
Oh my gosh. Chaeyoung's kisses.  
  
The lingering aroma of her cherry-scented lips still remained and I would taste it everytime I placed my reed on my lips. It's almost as if she meant to leave a long-lasting mark on my possessions, reminding me of that sumptuous moment that we shared in Dahyun and Tzuyu's apartment even though it was just some stupid dare proposed by Jeongyeon a.k.a. the queen of parties and perpetual embarrassment.  
  
Petrenko waved his baton, "Stop!"  
  
Everyone ceased from playing their instruments and eyes fell to my direction. _Oh god. Did I fuck up? Did I fuck up?_  
  
"First horn!" He indicates Sana Minatozaki and I feel a small weight being lifted from my chest. "Will you quit improvising and pay attention to the score? You're supposed to blend in and assimilate with your section mates but you're standing out too much!"   
  
Sana looked devastated.  
  
"I know that you're the first horn and you're supposed to be the best player in the section but you're not supposed to express individuality here", he rambles and I suddenly feel the same weight being dropped down to my chest again. _Poor Sana..._  
  
After Mahler Five, we drilled through _Polovtsian Dances_ for the remaining amount time that we were allocated in the Alice Tully Hall. Then Petrenko ordered for the pit orchestra members (including me, Sana, and Chaeyoung) to stay behind and relocate to the David H. Koch Theater so that we can rehearse with the members of Juilliard's Dance Division. We missed Pops Orchestra rehearsals that day.  
  
It was an unpleasantly cold autumn's night; dark, mystifying, the moon was sheltered by the murky looming clouds. I couldn't help but feel sad when I spotted Sana down in the dumps, robbed of her time just to stay with the Juilliard Orchestra. Trust me, I'd rather play  _Totoro_  than the  _Rite_.  
  
I was getting desparate to leave. My heavy breathing was drying with my lips and the cold air was stinging the cavity in my sweet tooth. The dew was glistening on my shoes and soaking into my socks, making me wish that my parched tongue was as moist as my footwear. Chaeyoung extended her arm and offered to hold my hand as we headed to the designated rehearsal space. For some reason, I felt this intimate closeness between me and Chaeyoung after that kiss, despite me being incompetent in sign language and still using basic phrases like "How are you?" and "Where's the bathroom?". I didn't know whether to feel awkward or at ease yet today, I felt comfortable around her even though our personalities are the polar opposite — me being the melodramatic and problematic one while Chaeyoung seemed to be the more reserved and supportive friend.  
  
Having said that, I made another attempt at using sign language, _"Is Sana okay?"_  
  
I didn't feel like asking Sana directly because she didn't seem in the mood to talk.  
  
Chaeyoung replies in a simplified manner, enough for me to comprehend, _"No."_  
  
I'm seriously going to work hard at learning sign language so that I could make a better connection with Chaeyoung.  
  
The rehearsal space for our orchestra was considerably large, even though we're in the pit under the main stage. I've been in a couple of pit orchestras in LaGuardia so the feeling of being invisable wasn't so foreign to me as it was to Sana and Chaeyoung. On the bright side, I was able to sit much closer to Sana since the size of our orchestra was reduced by about two-thirds to fit into the pit. But then I learned something else.  
  
I also sat fairly close to Yuzuna, Shuuka, and Somi. I didn't bother to stir up a conversation with them because I'm not so sure about the current state of our relationships after what I did to Reina. I feel even more uneasy now, being this compressed like tuna in a can. I don't even have space to lean my bassoon. The butt of my boot joint was almost touching Chiharu Muto's leg. Chiharu is the second clarinetist of the Juilliard Orchestra who would act as principal clarinetist for Shori while he's on suspension. Benji would be subbing for Reina.  
  
_Goddammit Mina. Stop thinking about The Six._  
  
As I'm thinking of ways to distract myself from these thoughts, I hear my name being called from above, "Mina! You're in the pit orchestra?"  
  
I maneuvered my head to where the voice was coming from and saw a familar figure standing on the main stage, "Hwang Eunbi?"  
  
Otherwise known as "SinB", the tall and fair-skinned girl loomed over me, her dark hair fixed into a bun and her body wrapped in a black leotard, pink tights, and pointe shoes.  _Oh that's right, she's actually a dance major and just a weirdly dedicated member of my alleged fanclub._  
  
"I'm so happy! You get to see me perform!" she squealed, jumping up and down.   
  
I'm thinking, _I highly doubt that I can watch you dance from down here._  
  
But before I could tell her that, Petrenko silences the orchestra and steps up to his conductor's podium. The dancers above, including SinB, disperse backstage to prepare for rehearsals. This time, I prepared a cup of water for a different reed so that I don't have to go through the trouble of sucking on it. Saliva has a detrimental influence on cane, and will degrade the reed more gradually if you only soak the reed in your mouth.  
  
I should have time to soak the reed, long enough to create a viable opening.  
  
Hah. Wrong.  
  
Petrenko didn't bog down any time and the _Rite_ began without delay. I swiftly fished my reed out of the cup and placed it on the bocal when it became my turn to play (Which is the fucking beginning of the _Rite_. God, you're so smart Mina Myoui).  
  
He halted the entire orchestra, "Mina, you missed your entrance."  
  
"Got it", I held my head down.  
  
I prepared my embouchure again when I come to terms with the fact that my reed is still hard and hasn't been drenched long enough to open up. The opening solo punches the wind out of my lungs before I could recover to repeat the same phrase again.  
  
Why is luck never on my side?  
  
After rehearsals with the dance division, Chaeyoung took the metro home alone and Sana and I died in bed. We didn't even bother to take a shower or change into our pajamas. I've never seen Sana run out of steam this fast. Usually, she'd have enough spunk and energy to go out past midnight but today she has seriously had enough to deal with. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for the both of us.  
  
But if there's one good thing that I can point out today, it's the fact that Nayeon actually said something nice about me.  
  
Maybe Chaeyoung's kiss.  
  
I should schedule my next appointment for my MRI, huh? Eh. I'll do it later.

* * *

**BONUS (Dr. Cseszneky)**  
  
Monday: October 12, 2020  
  
Only a couple of days left before the Juilliard Orchestra's second concert and the recital for the Dance Division.  
  
I showed up to my bassoon lesson with a hangover, and Dr. Cseszneky knew because my eyelids were getting droopy and he kept trying to wake me up. And then I finally woke up when he pushed away the curtains from the lone window on the wall and unleashed the sun.  
  
"Rough night, huh?" he guessed.  
  
I couldn't talk much, "Y-yeah..."  
  
"Say, I had a funny occurrance that took place yesterday", my private teacher brings up, "Wanna hear?"  
  
"Sure", I said, not really comprehending.  
  
My ears could only nitpick a couple of details from Dr. Cseszneky's storytelling, like how he was at the MetLife Stadium with his New York Philharmonic friends to watch a Sunday football game featuring the New York Giants against the Eagles or some shit. I know nothing about sports, don't ask me. I was mostly resting my head on my bassoon as he talked about how the game went.  
  
"And then when I was about to buy some beer for my buddies, I get this mysterious phone call", he laughs and I wake up, again.  
  
Mysterious phone call?  
  
Oh fuck no.  
  
"I pick up anyways because I thought that it would be my mother, who changed her data plan and stuff", he babbles, "But anyways, I pick up and this girl whom I swear to god sounds like my mom, says that she loves me and that she wants my... well... my arbor vitae."  
  
_MOMO HIRAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  
  
He uses a euphemism for "dick" but I already get the whole picture. I mean, I was there that evening when I was playing "Truth or Dare" with the idiots from the Pops Orchestra. Jeongyeon was the one who issued that dare to Momo.  
  
Dr. Cseszneky is the type of guy who talks aimlessly about a topic, "I'm freaked out because I don't even know how she got my number but..."  
  
_Mina, you can't tell him that you gave Momo his number._  
  
I attempt to change the topic, "C-Can we get back to our lesson?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought of TWICE's Truth while writing this chapter :)


	11. allegro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The syntax for ASL (American Signed Language) and English are different, so therefore they are not the same language. Just because the words are italicized using the English syntax does not mean that ASL users utilize this sentence structure in signing (For example, you say "I am going home" in English. but in ASL it is formatted as "ME GO HOME"). Proper nouns (e.g. Mina, San Francisco, Beethoven, Oreos, etc.) and other words (e.g. Happy Hour) are finger-spelled, meaning that they spell out the words with the sign for each letter.

_allegro_  
Origin: Italian  
Cheerful or brisk, but commonly interpreted as lively, fast.  
  


**The Fifty-First Measure**

Wednesday: October 14, 2020  
  
Chaeyoung smiled at me, " _Your skills are getting better_."  
  
For the remainder of our 7:00 a.m. shift at the Disability Center that day, I practiced my sign language skills with Chaeyoung. I was startled by the fact that I would enjoy this session. Sign language is a beautiful language because it doesn't require using your voice. I could still make connections to Chaeyoung even in complete silence, an amenity that I earnestly enjoy. We had our own form of conversation and me, Sana, and Chaeyoung could share stories and tell secrets without anyone else knowing. The hand movements graceful in the sense that they're expressive, like sculpting in thin air, or perhaps like dance where you articulate your emotions with body movements.

I'm very aggressive about how I learn. I stay up all night studying sign language, that sometimes I forget to do my regular homework and I end up doing it two hours before the class that correlates with that said assignment.  
  
I've also been taking those every day online courses to hone my skills even more. I'm still a beginner but if I work diligently, I think I can bring myself up to an intermediate level. I've always been a fast learner ever since I first engaged myself in music. Sign language is also not as difficult as Japanese, but it's not easy either; it's actually very complex. There are three main forms of sign language: ASL, PSE, and SEE. American Sign Language (ASL), which is used by many deaf people in the United States, promotes assimilation into the deaf community. Pidgin Sign Language (PSE) is a combination of ASL and English and it uses English syntax. People who learn to sign later in life often use it. Signing Exact English (SEE) uses ASL signs complemented with special signs or inflections that allow English to be signed exactly as it is spoken. I use PSE for now, but I'm learning to use ASL more often. Whenever I address Chaeyoung by her name, I just fingerspell "Chae" instead of "Chaeyoung" because it requires less logography.  
  
" _Do you like this school?_ " Chaeyoung begins,   
  
I could only give a simplified answer, " _Yeah. Good teachers. Good reputation. You?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung slides a finger to her chin, " _I like the classes. Not some of the students here._ "  
  
" _I see._ "  
  
She sulked in the wheelie chair, " _Pops Orchestra rehearsals are more fun. I feel bad for Sana too._ "  
  
Oh. Speaking of Sana, she hasn't conversed with me nor Chaeyoung in the past five days. Even though she claims to have forgotten about what happened during that Sunday night, his contemning word choice towards Sana kept ringing in my head as if there was a tape recorder implemented inside my brain. Since Chaeyoung and I noticed her saddened expression, we ceased our little conversation.  
  
Clearly, something had been bugging her and I concluded that it is because Kirill Petrenko, our guest conductor and the chief conductor of her favorite orchestra a.k.a The Berlin Philharmonic, harshly criticized her. It's like me doing a bad deed to a fan like Chaeyoung, whom I didn't forget was a huge admirer of me in the past. Sana usually doesn't get berated during Pops Orchestra rehearsals so she's probably not used to the tense and demanding atmosphere that the Juilliard Orchestra is widely known for.   
  
The shorter girl's eyes twinkle under the fluorescent lights, " _I know what could make Sana[cheer up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7rCyll5AeY)!_ "  
  
" _What?_ "  
  
" _Come with me"_ , she coaxes. And then the tiny girl uses her robust arms to shove Sana off her chair so that she could get up.  
  
" _Chaeng!_ " Sana dramatically began and I could actually read her hand gestures now, " _What are you doing?"_  
  
For the rest of their talk, I couldn't translate Chaeyoung's gestures in my head. I've only managed to pick up a couple of key words such as "school", "bus stop", and "walk". Sana's facial expressions read of subtle agreement to whatever Chaeyoung was telling her.  
  
"Chaeyoung says that she has to go and pick up her two little cousins from the bus stop", Sana explains to me, "Apparently, they got on the wrong bus to get to their elementary school and they need a guardian to walk them to school before they're late."  
  
"So, we're going to follow her?"    
  
"Chaeyoung's little cousins are  _adorbs_! You should meet them!" Sana exclaims, somehow fluctuating from her previous dismal mood to a spright one.  
  
I scratched my head, contemplating, "That's fine but I have lessons in three hours."   
  
"Oh, don't worry! The elementary school isn't far", Sana ensures.

* * *

**The Fifty-Second Measure**

This morning in New York City felt like a dream. At around 6:30 a.m., the scarlet red sky splashed across the horizon, painting the colors of the Juilliard fountain a deep hue of purple. Sure the sun wasn't out yet, but it was an amazing sight for me. Typically, I'm used to waking up early despite the lack of sleep that I get from practicing and completing my workload of homework. And whenever I do decide to wake up early, I would hole myself in the practice room until classes began and I don't take in the time to absorb my outer surroundings.  
  
As for Sana, she'd get up early and play games on her iPhone or on her Nintendo DS before preparing herself for school in the morning, like the typical nerd she is. However, our morning situations was different compared to most days.  
  
"Hey! It's Mina!" two petite girls, clothed in white button-downs and blue suspender skirts, dash up to me and each hug my waist.  
  
"Wh-what?"  
  
"Mina, meet [Lee Chaeyeon and Lee Chaeryeong](http://www.soompi.com/2014/06/03/k-pop-star-3-lee-chae-yeon-lee-chae-ryeong-sisters-have-signed-with-jyp-entertainment/)", Sana greets, "They're Chaeyoung's little cousins. Chaeyeon is in the sixth grade and Chaeryeong is in the fifth grade. They both play the flute in their elementary school's concert band. They're huge fans of you too."  
  
_Again?_  
  
"We watched your performance at the Juilliard Orchestra's opening night! It was spectacular!" Chaeyeon began, still hugging me tightly.  
  
The other girl, whom I assumed was Chaeryeong, looked up to me and started to spazz, "Holy fish sticks, you're so beautiful in person! You look like a princess! Can I touch your hair? Pretty pretty _pwease_?"  
  
"Um..." I tried to say something but the two girls took abandon to the wind and started brushing strands of my dark red hair.  
  
"You smell like expensive perfume!" Chaeyeon noted, sniffing my hair. _Is it going to be like this for the entire walk?_  
  
Sana was right, again. Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong's elementary school wasn't that far from Juilliard — just three or four blocks down 67th Street, past the library that Chaeyoung's mother works at. The Special School of Music, established while I was in the fourth grade or so, was formerly a red school-house being repainted with a flashy shade of yellow. _What an ugly color_ , I thought and ironically enough, the color of the sun was theoretically yellow from most perspectives. I stared back at their school building again, and learned from my pre-college mentee that the reason why the school had to be renovated was because the original paint was chipping off and it was all thanks to the annoying little first and second graders frolicking about in the play structure next to the edifice. Everything looked perfectly normal at first glance.  
  
Judging by my familiarity the area, they probably got off the bus two stops early. The Special School of Music is a music school for gifted, young talents from low-income families. I know this school because my parents wanted me to move away from Sana Minatozaki and transfer from my old elementary school to this place. Unforunately back then, they didn't have a bassoon program.  
  
"Hey, you guys! It's Mina Myoui!" one kid yelled to his peers.  
  
"Oh, she's from Juilliard!" his friend pointed out my Juilliard School lanyard drooping from the side pocket of my skinny jeans.  
  
The moment I removed my sunglasses and set it in my glasses case at the gated front entrance, thirty or so kids, from kindergartners to those around Chaeyeon and Chaereyong's age, swarmed up to me like an army of little bees. The younger ones, which is about half of the pack, clung onto my clothes and engulfed me in a large embrace. Sana and Chaeyoung found this scene adorable but I was getting delirious from being touched all over the place. And then one kid tried to hang onto my instrument case.  
  
"Woah! You brought your _balloon_!" the little kid, who clutched my case, exclaimed, "Can you play it here?"  
  
My eye twitched, "Right now?"  
  
"It's called a _buffoon_!" another kid with olive eyes corrected.  
  
"No, it's _baboon_!" a smaller girl with a bob-cut slurred.  
  
"It's a _bassoon_!" one of the older kids with round glasses said.  
  
This girl with ash blonde hair was jumping up and down, "I wanna hear what a bassoon sounds like!"  
  
Her friend said, "Me too!"  
  
_Oh god._  
  
I took a quick glance at Sana and Chaeyoung. Neither of them have their instruments on hand and I'm scared shitless. I can handle performing on stage in front of thousands of strangers, but performing in the naked eye of the public and actually knowing who the members of your audience are? That's nervewracking as well. It's almost as if your parents had asked you to play your instrument in front of your cousins and other relatives, a situation that I practically evaded from during Christmas parties and other family gatherings.  
  
What am I even supposed to play for them?  
  
"Play the main theme from _My Neighbor Totoro_!" Lee Chaeyeon requested, tugging the sleeve of my leather jacket.  
  
"You're going to play it for the Pops Orchestra's opening night, right?" Lee Chaeryeong supposed. _How does she know that?_  
  
Chaeyoung is smirking at me and Sana is giving me this death stare that read, "You're going to play your bassoon for these little kids, or else I'm going to have to narrate one of our childhood stories — the one about how I drew dicks all over your face with a permanent marker during our fifth grade slumber party." I'm not rocking any boats so I comply and piece together the joints of my bassoon, properly and not drunkenly.  
  
A young violinist, who stood at about three feet and six inches tall, commented on my instrument, "That's what a bassoon looks like? It's huge!"  
  
"That shit looks like a rocket launcher", a tan-skinned student pointed at the bell of my instrument.  
  
"Or maybe one of those weapons that you use in _Call of Duty_ ", his friend said, swinging his trumpet case around.  
  
"Like a bazooka?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
After soaking my reed for an adequate amount of time, ran through a couple scales to exercise my facial muscles. Then I sucked in a deep breath and started to play the main theme to _[My Neighbor Totoro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1RhMA5NpsM)_. Thank god it's not cold outside or else I would've sworn to crack a note. I was pleasantly surprised when I heard the notes ring out warm and gentle, nothing turbulent or severe like Jolivet's Concerto or any other virtuosic works that I've played in the past. This feeling of gratuity was different. I'm more enamored by the sound of my bassoon, rather than being smitten at those times I would exhale a sigh of relief after playing a demanding piece. Heck, I like this sound even better than any of those goddamn pieces I've played before. And just when I thought that my face couldn't be any more lit up by this notion of satisfaction, the children even begin to sing.

_To-to-ro, Totoro! To-to-ro, Totoro!_

_Living in the forest trees,  
for such a very, very long time!_

_There you'll be with_

_To-to-ro, Totoro! To-to-ro, Totoro!_

_You only see him when your very young,  
a magical adventure for you!  
It's magic for you._

As I'm playing, I look back at Sana and Chaeyoung, who have humongous smiles on their faces and are clapping along with our music. Chaeyoung probably couldn't hear the music itself, but the whole idea of me enjoying music with the music school children was enough to make her thrilled. Sana was the most emotional one among all of us. She literally broke down once we all huddled in one big group and sang our song even louder, me building up into a great crescendo.  The moment she shed a tear at this sight, Chaeyoung fell with her, laughing as if it wasn't the end of the world. I was mesmerized by this beautiful memory produced by my playing and by the children's singing.   
  
"THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!" Sana cried in great affection. Chaeyoung gave me two thumbs-up.  
  
"As expected of Mina", Lee Chaeyeon sings, running up to hug me from behind, "She really knows how to make beautiful music."  
  
"I really love the sound of the bassoon", Chaeryeong praised.  
  
"It sounds like a cello", one kid said.  
  
"I want to play the bassoon when I get older", one of the younger kids expressed.  
  
"Me too!" his friend exclaimed.  
  
And then strolling passerbys stood up with a big round of an applause. All of the kids ran up to shower me with compliments and I can't even begin to explain how happy I am in this moment. This type of ovation delights me more than that New York Times review about my concerto. I feel like I'm in a dream having a truly memorable moment, and I'd never wish to lose it. I felt so much more confidence than I ever did before.

* * *

**The Fifty-Third Measure**

Chaeyoung went to converse with Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong, leaving me and Sana sitting in the same bench at the edge of Central Park, located adjacent to their school. The setting was peaceful yet sublime. The fresh, eliciting atmosphere of pine trees came to my senses. The outdoors were truly breathtaking. Dewdrops hung on blades of grass, towering trees stood like the tall buildings circulating us, crystal watered lakes reflected the auspicious sight of light peaking through the orange trees. I was cleaning my bassoon when Sana returned from one of the park vendors.  
  
"Do you know what I like about the autumn season in New York?", Sana brought up a topic out of dust.  
  
"What is it?", I looked at her in confusion.  
  
The horn player inhaled in some fresh air before setting her instrument case down to talk to me, "In the autumn season, there's always something beautiful to cherish during this time of year."  
  
"Like what?" I asked.  
  
"Oh, just the simple things", she began, bending down to pick up an orange leaf before crumbling it with her fingers, "When I moved back to New York, I've noticed something unique about this season itself that never truly caught my eye before. The crunchiness of the leaves beneath my shoes, the lukewarm chestnuts roasting under a scorching fire, the idea that you can enjoy comfort food in the comfiness of your own room during the midst of the cold season — it gives you that warm, sentimental feeling. Don't you think? I mean, you don’t get that feeling in San Francisco."  
  
I looked at this woman in awe, amazed at her compliance with such simple things like the seasons of the year. I was never analytical to those topics.  
  
"I guess so..." I responded, not knowing what to say next. I never really paid attention to the changing seasons, especially since I always stuck to the same schedule every day.  
  
"Did that thought ever come to your mind when you lived here, Mina?" Sana asked.  
  
"Well, I did feel a sense of complacency when autumn came", I thought, "But I could never interpret that feeling as elaborately as you did".  
  
"I mean, I know it's upsetting to you and mostly others that autumn is also the sign of the beginning of a new school year, especially in this school", Sana said, knowing that she and most people are not compact with the idea of workload piling up and having to wake up early for morning classes.  
  
"I guess you can say that life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall", I stated, peering outside the window at the red-orange pine trees and taking in the morning scent of fresh herbs on the park across from Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong's school campus.  
  
Sana's eyes broadened at that statement, "Did you read _The Great Gatsby_ by F. Scott Fitzgerald or something?"  
  
"Uhhh... no", I answered, "I'm too busy to read books nowadays. All I pretty much do is practice, practice, practice."  
  
"Oh", She sighed, "That quote you mentioned came from that book."  
  
"It was a quote?" I questioned, "I just heard it somewhere, that's all."  
  
"By the way", Sana began, "Do you remember what happened during that one autumn season ten years ago?"  
  
That question immediately caught my attention. Ten years ago? I was in the fifth grade and Reina and the others were already studying music in different countries around the continent of Europe. Nayeon also had a family back then. It was also the year that I switched from the clarinet to the bassoon because I decided to add a little spice to my life. Other than that, I don't recall any other significant memories from that time period.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I stared incredulously at Sana.  
  
"Remember when we first tried out our new instruments?" she inquired, "Remember how much fun we had when we didn't worry too about competitions? Or when we didn't have to worry about getting accepted into Juilliard?"

**\------**

**{Flashback to ten years ago]  
  
"C'mon, Mina! You can do it! Push harder!" Sana cheered on as I attempted to get my first note out of a bassoon.  
  
"Sana!" I retracted the double reed away from my mouth, "Stop shouting at me like I'm giving birth!"  
  
Even though I was a fairly competent clarinetist when I was younger, I wasn't the type of kid who started out with strong lungs. I had a weak immune system and fell to pneumonia more frequently than most kids at my school. But my parents still forced me to attend school to maintain a perfect attendance record. At the end of each year, I was awarded with one of those stupid paper certificates that commended a child for never missing a single day of school. It's one of the most ludicrous accolades that I could ever think of; it's basically implying that your kid is a "loser" if they fall into situations that they have no control over, like having to skip class because of an illness or because of family emergencies. **

**\-----**

I still get sick even though I'm almost at the age of twenty-one, especially during the winter and spring seasons. But I couldn't use sickness as an excuse to miss any practice sessions or fall behind in my music studies. I built my lung capacity through cardio workouts and breathing exercises so that I manage to have a decent amount of stamina to perform, even if I get sick. I bet that I'd still have push myself to play with a collapsed lung. 

**\-----**

**I tried again, rolling in my lips over my teeth and forcing out even more air than I thought was humanly possible. I felt euphoric when a clear and dark, warm sound rang out of the bassoon. It sounds beautiful — the sonority of a cello mixed in with the timbre of the male human voice.  
  
"Hey!" Sana squealed, "You made a sound!"  
  
"I... I did it", even after one note, I'm still out of breath.  
  
"At least the reed just vibrates for you. I have to vibrate my own lips to get a damn sound", she pouts, staring at the mouthpiece of her horn.**

**\-----**

I now recall the day that I pushed out my first note out of a bassoon. I was elated at the fact that I could actually make noise with this tall, lanky instrument. I couldn't wait to produce even more notes so that I could actually play songs on it.  
  
Sana takes in a deep breath before making her big statement, "Sure there should be technicality involved when performing a piece, but it can't paint an entire picture. There has to be an emotional truth. That's why I was severely heartbroken when Maestro Petrenko told me to hold back."  
  
"You're right", I nodded.  
  
"Mina", she grins, flashing the white pearls on her teeth, "You love the bassoon, right?"  
  
"Of course I do", I affirmed, "Why do you think that I decided to major in it?"  
  
"What do you love about your bassoon then?" she challenged.  
  
I've never asked myself that question before.  
  
"I... I love how it sounds", I give a short answer. I still have that thing stting horizontally on my lap, my fingertips carressing its smooth, red maple skin, its silver keys glistening under the New York morning sun. I could see my reflection in some of them.  
  
I could've named a lot more reasons as to why I love the bassoon, like how I don't have to worry about fighting for a first seat spot in an ensemble becuase it's not a popular instrument. Or how I use it as an emotional front where I can vent out how I'm feeling through my own playing. Slow and depressing pieces, fast and furious pieces — you name it. It's an extension of me, comparative to another set of vocal cords.  
  
_Oh man._ The rush of mixed nervousness and excitement when you step on stage and play, the overwhelming exhilaration of performing in a group and infusing diverse sounds into one, the thrill of having to complete a whole work and still have enough energy to stagger a breath, the chills that run down your spine when you immerse yourself in a poignant piece — these are all the gratifications of music that I've been completely robbed of in the face of stress and competition. When I played my bassoon with those kids, I truly felt that I was having fun.  
  
Dammit. Why am I getting teary-eyed?  
  
"Yeah? What do you love about the horn?" I warded off before Sana could spot a single teardrop dribbling down my right eye.  
  
"Please, Mina", Sana scoffed before declaring her response with great determination and vigor, "Horn is fun! You get to play all the cool parts and blast out notes in most works by Strauss, Mahler, Bruckner, John Williams, and more! It acts as the hero figure in most compositions! And at the same time, it has a warm, gentle voice that can be used in lyrical sections and romantic settings. It's an entertaining and versatile little brass beast."  
  
I choked, "Those words came out of your mouth so easily."  
  
"Well, I'm more open with my feelings", she thoughtfully considered.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"More than you", she jested.  
  
"HEY!" I grumble. Sana was telling the truth though, I just didn't want her to believe that she was right.  
  
Sana allowed herself to sit back on the bench, her laughter beginning to fizzle down to a stark smile, "You know Myoui, you really do perform magnificently. I know that _Tonari no Totoro_ is just a children's piece but your playing radiated with sincerity, tenderness, and kindness. Reminds me of that one scene where Satsuki gave Totoro an umbrella to protect him from the rain. You are Totoro, me and Chaeyoung are Satsuki and Mei, Chaeyoung's cousins and those other elementary school kids are those little dust bunnies that follow you everywhere."  
  
I glowered at her, "Are you calling me a fat and fuzzy creature?"  
  
"What? No!" Sana winced, "And speaking of openness, did you schedule your MRI yet?"  
  
I shrugged, "Nope."  
  
Sana spit out her cherry blossom juice, "Mina! That's important for your health!"  
  
"But what if I can't pay for my treatment?"  
  
"Why can't you borrow money from your parents?" Sana asks unreasonably, "You guys are in the upper class!"  
  
I remember having to have one of my teeth pulled out because it was infected, and the aftermath was just unbearing. The cost to remove my tooth was $300 and the cost to replace my tooth was $3,000. And then I had to get braces during freshman year because my teeth were not straight, which costs another $10,500. I got my braces removed two years ago and the process for that costed $250 and then $800 to get a retainer. My parents were angry at the dentist because my mouth continuously ached and having braces messed up my embouchure. I couldn't practice my bassoon for a week and then it took a couple more weeks to get adjusted to playing again.  
  
"Your immune system has been poor since elementary school. There's something's going on, and there's more to that story than the time you threw up on my shoes while our class was singing the U.S. National Anthem at a school assmebly", she reinforced.

_"Mina, your mom says that you're fine. Stop being overdramatic and go to your private lesson."  
"Oh honey, you are NOT missing school today!"_

"I'm fine, I swear!" I reassure, but Sana isn't so convinced.

Then Chaeyoung returns with her two cousins off her hands. School must've began for them so we walked back to Juilliard. Chaeyoung and I shared a conversation (half through sign language, the other half through texting). Sana didn't see the need to act as our interpreter.

* * *

**The Fifty-Fourth Measure**

Thursday: October 15, 2020  
  
I had just woke up from my rigid slumber when the harsh sunlight battered against my jaded eyes. I entered the kitchenette in our room to grab a quick snack before going off to my music theory class; only to have my small figure collide with the door frame as if it weren't there. My eyelids weren't exactly open all the way; my vision was still swimming in bokeh shapes of optical light as try tries to pinpoint the taller girl standing in front of me.  
  
"Good morning… Sana..." I languidly greeted. I caught a sudden croak in my dull salutation. _A sore throat?_  
  
Sana set aside her plate to acknowledge her lethargic roommate that is my existence, her brow furrowing with concern as she brushes off the loose strands of my bedheaded hair out of my face, "What happened to your voice? You don't sound good.  
  
"Ufufu...", A soft chuckle escaped my lips like a woman being immersed into the toxicity of alcohol, "Don't worry... I'm fine..."  
  
Oh Jesus. And just when Sana brought up the fact that I had a weak immune system, I wake up with a cold.  
  
The next morning, I found myself coughing into the sleeve of my silk nightgown. Thank god that I wasn't coughing out blood or any other form of diluted secretion. I felt relieved, but she couldn't help but anticipate about what's going to happen next during today's orchestra practice. If Maestro Petrenko keeps working me up like he did on Sunday night, then it's only going to prove nothing but worsen my condition. I clenched my fist before snagging my bassoon case from the top compartment of the miniature book shelf that Sana retained.  
  
"You're going to school today?" upon seeing the sight of my frail self storming out of the room, the startled horn player nearly dropped her egg salad in submission, "Aren't you sick? You're in no condition to go to schoo—"

"I can't afford to miss another music theory class", I said, my voice sounding noticeably scratchy.  
  
That morning, I was stuck with Reina Washio and Park Jihyo in this boring class that most people call Music Theory and Analysis III. I sat next to Jihyo at the rear end of the classroom. Reina was sitting in the front row like she always does. The lecturer was no other than Professor Irving, a scruffy old man with a monotonous voice that lulled people to sleep. He was so submerged into his lectures, that he'd be unaware of his surroundings around him. Most people can take a two-hour nap during his instruction and still manage to get away with it, especially for those who sat in the back.  
  
"Why are you still in your pajamas?" Jihyo whispered over to me while Dr. Irving rambles about chords.  
  
"No I'm not", I denied in a hoarse voice.  
  
"Uh, yeah you are", Jihyo points out, "And sheesh, you sound horrible. Do you have a frog stuck in your throat?"   
  
I looked down at the clothes I was wearing; a silk, royal blue nightgown and sky blue pajama shorts imprinted with ducks. I was also astounded to see that my feet were still covered with pink, fuzzy bunny slippers and unmatching socks. Jihyo was right. My morning attire is entirely bizarre; my chosen clothing pieces did not match with each other and my deep red hair was still unkempt from tossing and turning in bed. Some disheveled strands were covering my sleepy-lidded eyes as if I was a shaggy dog, which made Jihyo nearly crack up in front of the entire class.  
  
"Oh... well..." I replied, swiftly awake after viewing my strange outward appearance.  
  
"Anyways, I saw Reina and President Polisi fighting on my way here", Jihyo mentioned, eyeing the concentrated violinist sitting smack in the front desk before fixing her gaze back to mine.  
  
"Reina’s suspension period is over, right?"  
  
"Mhm..." Jihyo nodded, setting her pencil down in front of her notebook, "Did you know about this?"  
  
"Actually, I did. President Polisi discussed her consequences with me and Chaeyoung during our work shift", I explained in a low voice, trying not to make my squeaky voice audible in the quieted atmosphere of Professor Irving's bromidic lesson. "I knew that she was upset after having to fork out seventy-two thousand dollars from her parents’ wallet just to pay back Chaeyoung, but I didn’t think that she would get this upset."  
  
"Is that what it is?"  
  
"I think so..." my voice faltered off at the sound of shuffling footsteps approaching our tables.  
  
Usually when Dr. Irving advances towards a student, he intends to ask that person a question to insure that he/she was paying attention to his lecture. It was one of his rarest moments, but also one of the most crucial moments in his music theory class. If that person were to give the incorrect answer, the old man would babble about that student's negligence and unwillingness to work for the entire class session. There was one instance where he made one student cry for not responding at all (Hint. Hint. That student was Jung Yerin).  
  
"How about we discuss this topic with the bassoon player who sleepwalked into my room. Ms. Myoui, where does the difference in a chord's sound come from and what does it have to do with triads?" He inquired as he tapped his ruler against the rim of my desk.  
  
"Well...", I took a few seconds to think before rambling out my answer, "The difference in a chord's sound comes from the intervals between the root position notes of the chord. The most commonly used triads form major chords and minor chords... umm... and all major and minor chords have an interval of a perfect fifth between the root and the fifth of the chord. Thus, if the perfect fifth is divided into a major (minor) third; for example, four or three half steps, then the triad is a major (minor) third... right?"  
  
"Correct", Dr. Irving said, "Can you add to that Ms. Park? Do augmented and diminished chords contain a perfect fifth?"  
  
"Huh?" Jihyo spanned over her notebook before realizing that she didn't copy down any notes.  
  
"Charming yet stupid", He immediately brushed off before heading towards the whiteboard with a thick red marker, "Okay class, I'm going to explain to you about augmented and diminished chords. Augmented and diminished chords do NOT contain a perfect fifth. An augmented (diminished) chord is built from two major (minor) thirds, which also adds up to an augmented (diminished) fifth..."  
  
Jihyo buried her ashamed face into her arms, her muffled voice reaching into my ears, "Sorry Mina. I got you distracted."  
  
"It's okay", I said, "I was about to fall asleep anyways."

* * *

**The Fifty-Fifth Measure**

After the Juilliard's Pre-College Division executed a congratulatory party for their opening night, Kai made the members of the Juilliard Orchestra tidy up and prepare for practice. Since Maestro Petrenko decided to go on a so-called "blind" date in Times Square with a music history professor from the Conservatoire de Paris, he made it up to Kai to do whatever he wants with the orchestra while he was gone. After all, he is the concertmaster and the second-in-command. Days were nearing for the Juilliard Orchestra's second concert.  
  
And this is what he did.  
  
The orchestra was in the middle of practicing _Polovtsian Dances_ from Borodin's four act opera broadenly known as  _Prince Igor_. Kai was so furious about the aftermath of Petrenko’s hard-ass criticisms on Sunday night, that he made the orchestra members practice their butts off as soon as they started. Nobody was given a chance to even shower or change into their pajamas; some people reeked of alcohol scent and nearly half the musicians were intoxicated from the wine they were offered during the Post-Midterm bonanza held at the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall (Luckily, me, Sana, and Chaeyoung learned to NOT get drunk before orchestra practice ever again).  
  
"YAH! Jeon Somi! Fourth clarinet! What are you doing? Can't you see that this measure is marked crescendo and not sforzando? You're supposed to be building up volume, not suddenly playing loud!", Kai shouted at the fidgety clarinetist before turning towards Sana's section, "HORNS, LOUDER! MAKE YOUR INSTRUMENT SING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"  
  
"I'd like to see you try and play a horn!", the third chair horn player boldly stands on top of his chair as he addresses the bossy concertmaster in a presumptuous manner. Whenever the conductor or another staff member isn't present, the members take advantage of Kai and treat him just like another student, not some authority figure. Therefore, nobody takes him seriously. "Yeah! Look who's talking now, asshat!"    
  
"Sit down, Jimin!" Kai ordered, and he was obviously fed up with the orchestra member's bullcrap, "Your mouth should be blowing these notes out of your ass, not babbling nonsense! I ain’t paying you to write a soap opera!"  
  
“You’re not paying me at all!” he retorts.  
  
"The fuck is he thinking? We can't get any louder than this", Yuta Nakamoto silently groaned to their section leader.  
  
"Shhh!", Sana hushed, "Just play along."  
  
The pair returned to their positions and began playing the chorus line along with the string section. After about an hour of practicing Borodin, Kai  gave the orchestra members a five-minute break while he changed the strings of his violin. I put my hair up in a messy bun, then fanned myself with the music score I was given as Sana propped her butt down in Mingyu's chair to make eye contact with me.  
  
"Still sick, my little duck?" she vexes, poking my cheek.  
  
"Stop that", I demanded in my hoarse voice, resting my bassoon on its stand so that I could see Sana's face.  
  
"I didn't hear your bassoon today", she noticed.  
  
"Bassoons are not supposed to sound loud and obnoxious", I croaked, "Unlike you."  
  
Sana disregards my shrewd comment and displays a concerned look on her face, "So, Mina. Will you be seeing a doctor anytime soon?"  
  
"No, I'm busy with—" As I'm about to answer, Shuuka Fujii suddenly sways up to me and Sana with her smartphone grasped in her hands. It was one of the most awkward and perplexing moments of my life — having one of your former friends approach you coolly after a controversy.  
  
There was a content smile on her face when she delivered the phone to my hand, "Hey Mina, you mom wants to talk to you. I don’t know why she contacted me but I told her that we were on break at Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals and she’s wondering why you didn’t pick up your phone."  
  
“Mom?" I answered as I held the phone up to my ear, modulating the throaty tone of my voice so that I don't put my mom in a sudden disposition.  
  
"Mina, what the hell?" my mom inquires with an unequivocal hint of audacity that can level up to a business authoritive.   
  
I was taken aback by her sobering address, "What?"  
  
I could hear my mom sipping on what could be a dapper cup of English tea in all of its prevailing taste, "I'm in Manchester with the New York Philharmonic when your friend, Reina, calls me instating that you were absent for one of your classes because you had to go to the school infirmiry. What was that all about? Why couldn't you just suck it up and wait until class was over when—"  
  
I hung up the moment mom started ranting, handing the phone back to Shuuka. I began to cry as Shuuka inched further away from me and Sana. I normally don't show tears in the public eye because my parents believed that crying showed a form of weakness, and I hate being weak. I shouldn't be acting like a pussy because I'm supposed to be a musical prodigy that everyone views as daunting and fearless.  
  
"Mina..." Sana didn't have any words to say after listening to our heated conversation.  
  
"See what I mean?" I eyeball the horn player sitting next to me. I found myself tremendously sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe and I ended up choking on my own words. Talk about having a physical and mental breakdown in one day.  
  
Fuck you, Reina.

* * *

**The Fifty-Sixth Measure**

Pops Orchestra rehearsals ended early so I thought about hiding myself in one of the residence hall's practice rooms before going to bed. I needed to drill in some time to focus on Mozart's _[Bassoon Concerto in B flat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPqM_XYlUY8)_ because I have to perform it for my end-of-the-semester jury, and I've spent no time on this concerto whatsoever. The last time I played this bassoon concerto was when I was fourteen years-old and it was for the Gillet-Hugo Fox competition, which I won first prize in my category. I also performed sections of the second movement for my National Youth Orchestra auditions when I was sixteen years-old. This concerto is the most commonly requested piece in orchestra auditions and all professional bassoonists are expected to play this concerto in some point of their career. My piano accompanist, [Minyoung](http://onehallyu.com/topic/183913-sixteens-gorgeous-singersong-writer-minyoung-thread/), offered to stay up late too.  
  
Ten measures into the first movement, the notes of my bassoon come out wrong. The first movement of this concerto is entitled  _Allegro_ , which indicates a quick and spright tempo, but I exhibited none of those qualities. A feeling of uneasiness and fear can be evidently heard in my playing. I seemed to find elegy spewing from my mouth, as my music proved to become more and more depressing.  
  
Minyoung moved her hands away from the keys of the grand piano, "Look, maybe this isn't a good idea."  
  
I ceased my own playing, "What's not a good idea?"  
  
"Mina. You're sick", she restated in her naturally low voice, "You need a lot of rest before you can play efficiently again. Trust me, I got myself into a piano recital with bronchitis and my interpretation of Rachmaninoff consisted of more wheezing than actual music."  
  
"What are you talking about? I'm not sick", I tried to sound as neutral as possible but my voice cracks again.   
  
Minyoung gives me this blank stare, "As your piano accompanist since Interlochen, I know the difference between Good Mina and Bad Mina. Now, if you decide to leave, which I highly suggest, then I'm going to stay here and work on my jury. But if you decide to hold it on for a little bit longer, then we can work something out. But Mina, please. I swear to god, just take care of yourself and go back to your room. I'll think of you in spirit."  
  
I chuckle, "You're acting like I'm going to dice with death."  
  
"Mina, I'm serious", Minyoung's stone cold face doesn't change, and in fact she's even more stern than before.  
  
I exhale, "I'm not taking a break. I can finish the night, I promise."  
  
The pianist knitted her eyebrows, "You're shitting me, right?"  
  
I avoid her query and begin positioning myself with my bassoon. I started to play different scales again, getting my lips to work, moving my jaw to slide up and down octaves. After I feel confident that the inner and outer mechanisms of my mouth are warmed up enough, I return to the section where I left off. I reach the [cadenza](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVvUAH1UUiY) and things haven't changed on the headache front. But then all at once, I feel unbalanced and my tongue brings to a grinding halt. _Oh my god. What's happening to me?_ I can't feel my face. It's like my mouth muscles decided to shut down.  
  
Minyoung cuts off her piano playing, "Mina, why did you stop?"  
  
_I can't even move my mouth. How am I supposed to speak with her?_  
  
I take abandon to my phone and type something down in my "Notes" app:

**Fetch Dr. Schmidhuber for me.**

Minyoung obeys and sprints out of the practice room to access the Health Services Center on the twenty-second floor. I start packing away my bassoon because I'm positive that I won't need it once Dr. Schmidhuber comes down here.

* * *

**The Fifty-Seventh Measure**

Friday: October 16, 2020

Dr. Schmidhuber ultimately settled on sending me to the ER of Columbia University's Medical Center. All I remember from the entire ambulence ride there was having some kind of face mask enveloping the area from the bridge of my nose to the bottom of my chin. And then watermelon-flavored gas pumped out of a box-shaped machine until I knocked out. I can't share what happened next.  
  
I woke up in the ICU, surrounded by a ton of indescribable equipment and the clamorous beeping noises blaring from within them. There was this smaller kid laying down in the bed next to mine and his existence depended on life support. Seeing this kid had me thinking to myself, W _hy am I here? What's happening to me? Why am I situated in the same room as a kid who's clinging onto his last moments of living?_  
  
Seconds later, a nurse with a blonde pixie-cut walks in and sits down in the stool next to my bed, "Oh wonderful! You're awake."  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Sally, your nurse", she said.  
  
"Hi Sally", I replied.  
  
She inched a small yet uneasy smile on her face, "Dr. McIntosh, the head neurosurgeon of the Columbia University Medical Center, will be visiting you soon. He has a lot of important details about the results of your MRI that he'd like to dicuss with you. I'll go and page him."  
  
_Neurosurgeon?_  
  
Dr. McIntosh is summoned into my room immediately. His height proved to be much taller than Dr. Schmidhuber and his hair has already began to start graying, possibly from all the years of stress he had to endure in medical school. Besides that point, he seemed like a benevolent person with his his circular glasses and his somewhat calm composure. I tried to sit up straight when a felt a slight discomfort on my side, so I laid down again.  
  
"Nice to meet you, Ms. Myoui", he greets, "So I had a mini conversation on your symptoms with Dr. Schmidhuber of Juilliard's Health Department. Juilliard, huh? That's a top-tier performing arts school. And you play the bassoon? Wow... that's a tough instrument."  
  
"Ha ha ha.... yeah", I said nervously.  
  
But then Dr. McIntosh gets straight to the point, which I like, "So you've been experiencing tinnitus for as long as you remember. You have periods of headaches. And when you play, your facial muscles freeze up or you feel like you've lost your balance. And last night, you had a sore throat."  
  
"L-Last night?"  
  
"Yeah. You've been in this institution for twelve hours. We anesthetized you in the ambulence so we could get to work on your MRI once we've arrived, which brings me to my next point", he flips a page among the stack of sheets nailed down on his clipboard, "My team and I had reviewed the results of your MRI. The images that we've seen and symptoms that Dr. Schmidhuber had explained to us are all starting to come together, and it makes sense — you have a bilateral vestibular schwannoma, also known as an acoustic neuroma."  
  
"A what?" I inquire. The heavyweight title possibly bears of importance. _Why does this disease sound so complicated?_  
  
"You have two brain tumors", he simplifies.  
  
Two words — "brain" and "tumor" — two words that send me into complete shock and render me terror-stricken as hell.  
  
"This type of tumor can be described as a benign growth from on the eighth cranial nerve leading from the brain to the inner ear", Dr. McIntosh continues to explain and my head is spinning, "An acoustic neuroma takes upon two forms. Your type is associated with a syndrome called neurofibromatosis type II (NF2). NF2 is an inherited disorder in which your nervous system is affected by the growth of noncancerous tumors. You have this problem in both ears. We predicted that you've been unaware of these tumors for so long, that they have gradually increased in size."  
  
My voice is getting shaky, "I-Increased?"  
  
"When was the last time you or your parents consulted a doctor about your symptoms?"   
  
The question struck me like a shot of lightning, "N-Never."  
  
"I can't believe that your parents would ignore this problem for so long", he chides, clicking his pen to jot down something incomprehensible on his clipboard, "You're at the worst possible stage of an acoustic neuroma and you'll be facing severe complications whether or not we remove the tumor from your brain. This is the point that I really need to discuss with you."  
  
I must be having a nightmare, "What complications?"  
  
"If we were to conduct surgery on your brain and remove the tumors, you're going to gradually lose your hearing over time. Hopefully not all of your hearing, but most of it", he emphasized, "You would have to go through two or three surgeries to remove both tumors in your brain."  
  
I can't believe that this is happening.  
  
I want to cry.  
  
I'm going to face the same fate as Chaeyoung.  
  
How am I supposed to strive to become a professional musician when I'm going to become void of the ability to hear? I can't listen to music, I can't play in an orchestra or in another ensemble, I won't be able to hear my own bassoon-playing anymore. Oh my fucking god.   
  
I won't be able to play the bassoon anymore.  
  
I was getting extremely hesitant to ask this question, but I did anyways, "And what if I don't get treated for it?"  
  
Dr. McIntosh grimaces, "You're going to die."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> American Sign Language (ASL) — A natural language that serves as the predominant sign language of Deaf communities in the United States. Many people believe that only Deaf people use ASL (or other sign languages), but many hard of hearing people also use sign language as well. ASL uses hand shapes, positions, movements, facial expressions, and body movements to convey meaning. ASL uses an alphabet (finger spelling), sign representing ideas, and gestures. ASL is an independent language that has its own grammar and syntax; it is not simply a manual version of English.
> 
> Crescendo - A crescendo is a way for composers to indicate that a passage of music should gradually increase in loudness over time (opposite of a decrease in volume which is described as a 'decrescendo'). It is also used in non-musical context to describe any situation in which volume is increasing.
> 
> Chord - In music, a chord is three or more notes that combine harmoniously.
> 
> Interval - In music theory, an interval is the difference between two pitches.
> 
> Sforzando - Sforzando (sfz) is an indication to make a strong, sudden accent on a note or chord. Sforzando literally means subito forzando (fz), which translates to “suddenly with force.”
> 
> Elegy - An elegy may denote a type of musical work, usually of a sad or somber nature.
> 
> Finger Spelling — A form of sign language in which individual letters are formed by the fingers to spell out words. If a character decides to use fingerspelling, then it would be represented in bold text within the italicized text that represents signing.
> 
> Scale - In music theory, a scale is any set of musical notes ordered by fundamental frequency or pitch. A scale ordered by increasing pitch is an ascending scale, and a scale ordered by decreasing pitch is a descending scale. Some scales contain different pitches when ascending than when descending.
> 
> Octave - A series of eight notes occupying the interval between (and including) two notes, one having twice or half the frequency of vibration of the other.


	12. dolore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> (A/N: Oh man. I listened to "Color Blind" from Glee while writing this part)
> 
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with topics such as suicide, please let me know and I'll give you a synopsis of this chapter. Again, if you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher or any trusted adult]

_dolore_  
Origin: Italian  
Pain, distress, sorrow, grief _con dolore_ : with sadness  
  
****

**The Fifty-Eighth Measure**

  
  
Friday: October 16, 2020

_"Oh, Mina. Your playing is **perfect** ", hummed Mr. Holtz, my middle school band teacher._

No.

_"So **perfect** ", said the other bassoonist sitting next to me at National Youth Orchestra auditions._

No, I'm not.

_"Such **perfection** ", sighed that one bassoonist who lost his first chair seat to me at NYSSMA All-State auditions._

Not anymore.

 _An bassoonist whispered to his oboe-playing friend at the Hugo-Gillet Fox Competition, "Why is Mina Myoui so goddamn **perfect**_ **?** _"_

"I'M NOT PERFECT!" I screamed, jolting up from my bed and nearly detaching the IV drip pinned into my arm. I was probably having a nightmare.  
  
Nobody was around to witness my cries. I looked around and I was still stuck in this hellhole hospital, donned in a light blue hospital gown and my red hair tied into a low ponytail. The countless hospital bracelets strapped to the wrist of my right arm made me itch. The cacophonous beeping noises prevailed from the innominate devices surrounding me. The kid who was sleeping in the bed next to me was gone. He passed away.  
  
"God fucking dammit", I whimpered, "I don't deserve to be here."  
  
I don't deserve to be placed in the same room as a kid who had just died.  
  
I don't deserve to have all of these plastic tubes attached to my body.  
  
I don't deserve to lose my hearing.  
  
At the brink of the luncheon hour, a nurse had arrived to place a small bowl of soup and a box of apple juice on my lap table. Since I’m not receiving answers as to whether or not I’ll regain all of my hearing, I decided to ask Nurse Sally about my current condition.  
  
"What are the chances of me flourishing in a music career after my hearing is gone?" I questioned, sipping my juice before setting it on the table.  
  
"Not very hi—", Nurse Sally froze, displaying a solemn expression on her face, "I'm sorry. I'm in no position to answer that."  
  
"Why?" I frowned, "Doesn't the patient have the right to know?"  
  
"It's not like that", She softly spoke, laying a comforting hand on my tense shoulder before I shoved it away with my own hand, "There's a time and place for everything, but not now. We don't want to makes up any theories until Dr. McIntosh and his team do some more research. It wouldn’t be fair for you if we instilled false hope in you because you were given an incorrect answer."  
  
I paused. Nurse Sally clearly didn’t want to converse about the outcomes, so I changed the topic, "Can I perform for tomorrow’s concert?"  
  
"Umm..." she wavered in a low tone, “I’ll have to discuss with Dr. McIntosh. I don’t have the authority to discharge you from the premises.”  
  
"What do you mean? You won’t at least let me make music while I still have my hearing intact?" I further inquired, frustrated by the current situation that's arousing my apprehensive senses. _God. What the hell is wrong with this institution?_  
  
"I'm going to have to discuss that matter with Dr. McIntosh", The nurse repeated, tidying my finished lunch before leaving the room.  
  
There's a certain word that fits my current situation at the moment — Denial. I didn't want to believe that I would never hear wake up to the clamors of chirping birdsong, the blaring calls of NYC morning taxis, the playful tinkering of Chaeyoung’s percussive playing, or the cacophony and sonorousness of Sana’s horn playing. I didn’t want to think about not graduating from Juilliard and striving to become a professional musician along with my friends. But what bothered me the most was that fact that I’ll never hear the dark, sweet-sounding music of my beloved bassoon ever again. I didn't care if the afterlife offered angels flying around cumulus clouds with majestic trumpeters in the sunset, those horns would never be the same as the one woodwind that pulled me through hardships and lifted my spirits when I was in a slump.   
  
I don't even know if I want to live anymore.

* * *

**The Fifty-Ninth Measure**

**[Flashback to eight months ago, at a family reunion]**  
  
**Sometimes, I'd hate being rich because you have a lot of competitive relatives and having a lot of money shoved up your ass makes you an asshole. Other times, I like being rich because I remember how freaking expensive it is to maintain a bassoon.**  
  
**One of the more crappy conventions I've had with people other than The ~~Spectacular~~ Six were conversations over the dining table with my cousins at family reunions, specifically those from my mom's side. My mom has a lot of sisters, therefore I have my fair share of cousins. How many cousins? Five, to be exact — four girls and one boy. Five plus me equals six. Get the idea yet? Let me explain.**  
  
**What I despise the most about my cousins is how bloated and conceited they are. My aunts have taught them well about self-pride and how money is absolutely essential to their well-being. Casual conversations resolved into discussions about each other's futures and my cousins would always turn me into the black sheep of the herd because I wanted to pursue a career in the performing arts — a path that they deem as "inferior" in comparison to their STEM or business majors. And for the record, I'm not trying to bash anybody who wants to become a business or STEM major. I believe that everyone should have the right to follow their dreams without others shitting on them for their decisions — and that's the point that I want to make here. The idea of "following your heart" is a concept that is completely foreign to my cousins.**  
  
**What's even worse is that my cousins are younger than me.**  
  
**I was never good at parties and would always take any opportunity to get away from one since my parents would dragoon me into performing in front of my relatives. But at times like these, where my cousins would try to invalidate my talents and throw me under the bus, I wish that I did perform so that I'd blow my cocky cousins out of their Louboutin loafers and cashmere socks.**  
  
**"So, Mina. How's your music going?" Tao Tsuchiya, an Alpha Omega Epsilon member at NYU and the only child of a chemical engineer and a nurse practitioner, gave out a sigh as she gazed at me with that signature smirk of her's, one that was facilitated by the women in her sorority.**  
  
**"Great! I'm—"**  
  
**"There you guys are!" As if on cue, Model United Nations (MUN) member Mirai Shida and Nonoka Yamaguchi of the Yamaguchi Conglomerate walked across the dining hall with their evening gowns trailing behind them.**  
  
**"Mirai is on the road to becoming a Rhodes Scholar and is about to study at Oxford University in England", Nonoka completely cuts off my talk with Tao and starts bragging about Shida's accomplishments, as if me attending Juilliard was some fact of insignificance to her.**  
  
**"Oh, dear", Mirai cackled at Nonoka's enthusiasm, tucking the soft material of her dress under her thighs as she takes a seat next to the fourth female cousin in our table, Honoka Miki. Honoka is a senior at Stuyvesant High School, one of New York City's nine specialized high schools which requires a severe entrance exam. She is also the president of the Key Club, one of the largest service clubs at her school. Honoka has been accepted to ten colleges, five of which are Ivy League universities — Brown, Columbia, Princeton, Dartmouth, and Harvard.**  
  
**"And Nonoka, I heard that you've become FBLA's national president even though you're just in your junior year of high school", Haruma Miura, the second-eldest cousin sitting at the head of our table and an Honor Society recipient, gave a knowing smile as he raised his glass of wine.**  
  
**"Wow, the amount of talent at this table is astounding", Nonoka said with a cheeky grin before jerking her head towards me, squinting her eyes exasperatedly before feigning a smile, "And Mina with her... uh... music..."**  
  
**"Gee, thanks", I answered with a tint of cynicism.**  
  
**"Myoui. What's your backup plan if music doesn't work out for you?" Honoka Miki asked in a monotone voice.**  
  
**"Backup plan?" I rehashed, "I don't need a backup plan."**  
  
**"Surely, you can't just _bassoon_ your way to success", Mirai raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced.**  
  
**"Well what's your definition of "success", then?" I scowled.**  
  
**"Woah, woah, woah. Getting feisty are we?" Haruma snorted as if me becoming a laughing stock was some form of amusement to him, "But Mina, the point we're trying to make here is that your job is at high-risk because opportunities to join an orchestra come and go. Being a musician isn't very lucrative and you're basically just throwing away money for your instrument. Classical music is a dying art, my friend."**  
  
**"Musicians don't even work as hard. All you just do is play music", Tao sneered.**  
  
**"Oh so you're saying that me taking six classes a semester, being in several ensembles, and wasting away in a practice room is not your definition of 'hard work'?" I snapped back, plunging my fork into my filet mignon and startling my aunts and uncles, "Try playing a bassoon for sixteen hours a day. I'm going to be the one laughing when your lungs shatter and your lips start bleeding."**  
  
**"But the bassoon isn't even an attractive instrument", Nonoka tittered.**  
  
**My heartbeat became faster, "I'm good at it, though."**  
  
**"And who told you that you were so special? Even I know that your parents don't think very highly of your playing", Mirai looked askance, that smug look still plastered on her face like the fake display of grapes at the center of our table.**  
  
**"I'm pretty sure that you'd make a wonderful high school teacher then", I gave a witty retort and Mirai jutted her chin.**  
  
**Honoka glared at me, "What, Myoui? Are you saying that you're better than all of us?"**  
  
**"You just think that it's okay to undermine my work just because I'm not as money-hungry as all of you guys. I'm implying that you're all swollen-headed shits who believe that the entire world revolves around you when it doesn't", I blurted out.**  
  
**Tao slammed her hand on the tabletop, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"**  
  
**"I don't kiss my mother, not in the same fashion that you guys kiss up to your mommies and daddies for praise and affection because in raelity, you're all insecure and helpless on the inside",**   **I said flatly and everyone around me looked aghast, even my parents and my aunts and uncles.**  
  
**"Don't even think for one second that you'd have the power to overtake a pianist or a violinist or a guitarist. Heck, even a pop star", Haruma broke the silence in the dining hall, chuckling at my slapstick remark as he rambles off names of overrated instruments, but as soon as he says 'pop star', I begin to cringe, "You signed yourself for a life-time of backseat accompaniment. Your hours of endless practice will never be considered as significant because you play a petty little instrument and bass clef instrumentalists always play as background characters to an ensemble. Don't even bother to pollute an orchestra with your half-rate playing. You will always be underrated and inferior to all of us. Once the five of us see you begging for cash on the contaminated pavement of New York City's infamous metro, _we_ will be the ones laughing."**  
  
**That statement set me off.**  
  
**"I'm going to prove you guys wrong. Watch me", I immediately excused myself from dinner and footslogged my way to the door.**  
  
**"Mina!" my mom squawked from her table, "Where on earth do you think you're going?"**  
  
**"I have Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals", I spat, then I slammed the double doors.**

* * *

**The Sixtieth Measure**

**[Flashback continued]**  
  
**I lied to my mom.**  
  
**I don't have Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals. Today is a mandated holiday.**  
  
**I confined myself to the practice room at the end of the hallway of Juilliard's Main Building. Barely anybody ever use the practice rooms in these areas because they haven't been renovated in years — there's no windows and the corners of the room are piled with dust bunnies. All of the high-tech practice rooms were taken so I had no choice but to lock myself in one of these ancient cubicles.**  
  
**I pull out the score to Tchaikovsky's _Fourth Symphony_ from my purse, place the desired sheet music on my stand, and attempt to tackle the bassoon solo near the end of the second movement (Bassoon solo starts around [9:30](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83F2cK4gG0M)). We would be playing this piece for the BBC Proms.**  
  
**But something didn't come out right. Even though my playing could be considered great on a technical standpoint and I was hitting every note right, my playing was too rigid and aggressive. My tone was too rough and harsh. It contrasted the whole expressive, artistic direction that Tchaikovsky was trying to convey. My solo sounded like a war scene between me and my enemies.**  
  
**"Will you pipe down with that annoying bassoon?" a pianist barked from the practice room next to mine's.**  
  
**"Go fuck yourself!" I shouted back, bringing the double reed back to my lips. I was inherently furious after having that great argument with my cousins about my instrument. But there was a bit of pride inside of me when I realized that my boisterous playing was irritating him.**  
  
**I made an attempt to make it a dignifying song, but the underlying melody became somewhat low-spirited and more somber. The notes came out wrong as if phrases of a death march were cascading out of my mouth. Every forced puffs of warm breaths caused my woozy self to become extremely lightheaded, staggering for oxygen in between rests. But who the hell would find fresh air in a sooty place like this? Even my oxygen tank wasn't nearly as effective in supporting my breaths. Eventually, the tone of my bassoon started to become nothing more than a dying duck. I let the flowing air running up my respiratory tract decline as I let my sad Instrument fall to my side. In my head, I could hear my parents or various private teachers screaming at me.**

 ** _"It means nothing unless you come in first", my parents would tell me every time I walked home from school with them._**  
  
**I was ten years-old.**  
  
**_"Wrong fingering!" my father berated, smacking my hand. My fingers were still short and can't quite wrap around the body of my instrument._**  
  
**I was eleven years-old.**  
  
**_"More air! More! More! MORE!" my mom shrieked at me. My stomach hurts and my lungs are empty._**  
  
**I was twelve years-old.**  
  
**_"Wake up! Stop dozing off!" my private teacher from Germany blared, slapping my face. I put a cold hand to my hot cheek to catch my tears, all before he yelled at me again for crying in front of him. I only had four hours of sleep because I had a competition the day before._**  
  
**I was thirteen years-old.**  
  
**_"You have another competition in four days and you're playing like shit? I don't care if you have pneumonia. You have to play until you're dead! Quit playing like a girl!" my private teacher from France rebuked me for coughing in between rests. And then he called me a "pussy"._**  
  
**I was fourteen years-old.**  
  
**_"Wake up! You have practice! Don't make me beat you with your father's belt!" my mom tugged my blanket away from my grasp and pulled aside the curtains, penetrating my eyes with the bright sun. I checked the time on the clock sitting on my bedside table: It's 6 a.m._**  
  
**I was fifteen years old.**  
  
**_"You're not a baby anymore! You shouldn't be having panic attacks everytime I shout at you!" my private teacher from Austria reprimanded. He slams his walking cane on the hardwood floor and it simulates the breaking of my back; the snapping of a spine._**  
  
**I was sixteen years-old.**  
  
**_One kid in my high school music history class said, "She's like a puppet to her parents. She does everything that she's told."_**  
  
**I was seventeen years-old**  
  
**_"Her striking ability to assimilate the most complex repetoire, the speed of her airflow, and the physical agility of her small hands make her the perfect exploitation of her overbearing parents", a clarinetist in LaGuardia's wind ensemble whispered._**  
  
**I was eighteen years-old.**  
  
**_"I hate Mina!" one bassoonist cried after the results were posted, "She ruins every other kid's dream of winning first place!"_**  
  
**I was nineteen years-old.**

 **It was all that I lived for. Busting my lips, burning my lungs, killing my jaw, tiring my tongue, and numbing my fingers — all just to become the epitome of _perfection._ Hours of endless practice had disciplined me to become ignorant of pain. I've trained myself to become a slave to the score. My parents forced me to play music as if I was coerced into eating vegetables: You don't want it but you know that it's good for you. I didn't need to make any scars on my own, my mom made my scars herself, with the beating of a belt or a stick.**  
  
**Sometimes, it felt too excrutiating to bear. Other times, I enjoyed the sensation of agony seething down my wounds.**

**_"Robot."_ **

**No.**

**_"Pawn."_ **

**Stop.**

**_"Freak."_ **

**Stop it.**

**_"Psycho."_ **

**Please stop.**

**_"Fuck off, fagott."_ **

\-----  
  
"STOP IT!" I yelped, this time with the response of a high-pitched creak resonating within my eardrums.  
  
"Mina?" I could recognize that singular voice from anywhere. It's Sana Minatozaki.   
  
"Oh shit..." I rubbed my weary eyes to get a better view of the blonde-haired girl, dressed in a fluffy pink parka, a green-knitted infinity scarf, and a red beret. I jerked my head up to see the headstrong girl standing in front of the foot of my bed.   
  
"Bad dream?" Sana's voice came out more dismal than I would've expected.

_"In the cutthroat world of the classical music industry, meek girls like Mina will never make it out alive."_

Talk about a bad dream.  
  
"Kind of", I tilted my head, trying not to show any signs of weakness, "What's wrong?"  
  
"Your neurosurgeon gave me the news about your MRI", she uttered throatily, "Stage IV acoustic neuroma, huh? And because the tumor is so large, removing it would cause the doctors to impede on your hearing nerves or whatever."

_"Myoui. What's your backup plan if music doesn't work out for you?"_

"Yeah..." My voice became quiet.  
  
"So, what are you going to do?" Sana anxiously nibbles on her nail.

_"And who told you that you were so special?"_

All of those notions of my so-called  _perfection_... they're going to be gone after I lose my ability to hear. Playing the bassoon gave me an identity; music was the only thing I was truly capable of doing because I had no other talents whatsoever. 

_"Don't even bother to pollute an orchestra with your half-rate playing"_

"To be honest", my bottom lip began to quiver, "I don't even know anymore."  
  
Sana's shoulders dropped, "What do you mean you don't know?"

_"Once you're begging for cash on the contaminated pavement of New York City's infamous metro, we will be the ones laughing."_

What would become of me once I lose my hearing? I'm no longer going to be worth something to my parents. I'm no longer going to be a gem in the eyes of my relatives. Nobody is going to love me anymore. Every one is going to resent me like they resent Chaeyoung. I'm going to have to start relying on my friends and dragging other people down just for me to keep on living in this damned world. I could live the rest of my life without sound. Or I could just die. Either way, there's no way out so why not just end it here?  
  
"I don't even know if I want to live anymore", Salty droplets brimmed my eyes.  
  
......  
  
I opened my eyes again.  
  
......  
  
Sana looked like she was about to faint.  
  
......  
  
"I don't see a point in living if I can't even enjoy my own music anymore. It's useless. I won't be an asset to anyone", I said indignantly and then I start to babble like I'm crazy, "Picture it like this: I'll reverently close my eyes, dream about the euphoria and prosperity I'll receive once I’m in heaven. And then I'll tell them, 'Aren't you proud of me, mom and dad? Reina and friends? I'm finally releasing stress off your shoulders, you no longer have to watch over me anymore. I'm setting you free; liberated from your useless daughter and sad excuse of a friend'. I don't mind d—"  
  
"FUCK YOU, MINA. FUCKING FUCKING FUCK YOU. DON'T YOU EVEN DARE THINK ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF!" Sana spat, on the verge of sobbing uncontrollably, "Dammit Mina, I'm not going to lose another friend to death."  
  
I match her tone, dubious about making a comeback, "At least my parents will admit how much they'll love me and miss me once I'm gone!"  
  
"Do you even realize how much _I_ love you?" the blonde girl clenched her teeth, cheeks fuming with agitation.  
  
_What the hell does she mean by that?_  
  
Sana subjected to anguishly lamenting on the wetness of tears, inconsolably wrecked from the pain of tormented times. But this wasn't just any form of sobbing or mourning; she was screaming uncontrollably, kneeling to the ground as she rocked back and forth like a small child in the event of an earthquake or a death scene. All the pent-up hysteria and dread of confinement was let loose in a seizure of choking and chest tightening, so dynamic that she couldn't breathe properly as its severity caused her body to tremble.   
  
_Oh my god._  
  
What have I done?  
  
I'm shocked. I've never seen this girl in such a fragile and vulnerable state. My face takes abandon to my bed and my legs are paralyzed. At this point, I starts hauling out my bed sheets and sob into them, smearing my eye makeup. Sana couldn't even look at me for one second without wailing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NYSSMA - Abbreviated for the New York State School Music Association, the NYSSMA is a professional organization that evaluates student musicians in New York state from elementary school to high school. Each spring, thousands of students register through their school music programs to attend NYSSMA Evaluation Festivals where they are adjudicated. These festivals take place at local middle and high schools within the fifteen NYSSMA zones, each of which covers an area in New York State. Usually, county high schools take turns to host the festival every few years.
> 
> Clef - A clef is a musical symbol used to indicate the pitch of written notes. Placed on one of the lines at the beginning of the stave, it indicates the name and pitch of the notes on that line. This line serves as a reference point by which the names of the notes on any other line or space of the stave may be determined. Only one clef that references a note in a space rather than on a line has ever been used. There are three types of clef used in modern music notation: F, C, and G. In modern music, only four clefs are used regularly: the treble clef, the bass clef, the alto clef, and the tenor clef. Of these, the treble and bass clefs are by far the most common.
> 
> Tone - Traditionally in Western music, a musical tone is a steady periodic sound. A musical tone is characterized by its duration, pitch, intensity (or loudness), and timbre (or quality). The notes used in music can be more complex than musical tones, as they may include aperiodic aspects, such as attack transients, vibrato, and envelope modulation.


	13. adagietto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> A/N: Also, thank you FadedMomo from AFF for letting me borrow the colloquial nickname Crack Squad to the nine TWICE members in this story <3
> 
> The Scherzo in Mahler Five has a bunch of glorious horn solos all throughout. Guess who'll be playing them in this chapter? :)

_adagietto_  
Origin: Italian  
Rather slow, yet faster than an _adagio_

**The Sixty-First Measure**

Friday: October 16, 2020

_"Do you even realize how much **I** love you?"_

We've been at it for an hour now — muddied in the complete tenseness of our argument. I sought the footsteps of a nurse stepping into my room, but then she pivots around and scampers away as if she hadn't seen the fucking mess that Sana and I have become.  
  
And then for some reason, she's on the same bed as me, curled up in the fetal position. I let her motionless body remain sprawled all over my bedsheets, making no effort to even save myself from the grief and agony that I'm going through. It was as if I was falling into the Abyss, hoping to drown in a dark, lonely hole at the end of the descending.  _Fuck you, Minatozaki. Like you've encountered as much misfortunes as I had._  
  
"Mina", Sana finally speaks, "I'm sorry."  
  
I'm frazzled, "For what?"   
  
She wiped a single tear threatening to fall from her face, "I shouldn't be telling you what to do. I... I just didn't want to see anymore people die, at least not before I do."  
  
I roll over my body to make eye contact with her.  
  
"I'm so pathetic... aren't I?" I whispered to myself, planting my head into palms of my hands.  
  
"No, you're not, Mina! Don't ever say that to yourself!", Sana's squeaky voice protests. She sat up in the same tall and confident manner, as she did in front of me when we battled it out during that sight-reading drinking game.  
  
"But it's true!" I bellowed with my tiny voice, "I am pathetic! I grew up in a shit family! I endured The Shit Six! I grew up with private teachers that made me feel like a bottomless piece of shit in turn! I'm such a piece of shit for leaving you and Nayeon and Chaeyoung!"  
  
"Then if you’re pathetic, then I’m pathetic as well", Sana was on the edge of breaking into tears again, "I'm more pathetic than you! I don't have perfect pitch or an absolute ear. Hell, I don't even have my studies tied to my brain yet! I'm not some goddamn prodigy who learned how to play two octaves within one day! I'm so pathetic, it makes me feel even sicker than you!"       
  
I’ve never seen Sana act this stubborn before. It was like The Great Wall of China, standing in all its prosperity and narrative tradition, decided to collapse in all its fortifications of feeble stone, brick, and tampered earth. Sana was always someone who seemed to have resolve and courage, and it showed in her playing as well. But I’ve never seen her break down like this, at least not in the face of my own patheticism.  
  
"W-Why aren't you mad at me for leaving you?" my voice quivered as I tried not to cry.   
  
"I thought that you had your whole life put together because you’re a musical prodigy and you live in a well-off family", Sana heaved a heavy sigh before explaining, "And then I heard about your dictatorial parents and I figured that we're not much different in terms of psyche. I just didn't want to look inferior to you, that's all. Now that I think about it that way, I don’t really have a right to be upset because I've been hiding something from you as well. So just to level the playing field, I’ll tell you my secret since you told me yours."  
  
"Secret?"  
  
"Remember when I moved away to San Francisco because my father was being stationed there as a part of his military job?" she began, toying with the plastic wristband on my left arm, "Well, life wasn’t so much better there than it was here. I got bullied a lot when I was a member of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra. I was the worst horn player in the orchestra and I sat in the last chair of my section — in the back row."  
  
I narrowed my eyes, "I find that extremely hard to believe."  
  
"Really, Mina?" Sana stared at me in disbelief, "I was a laughing stock. I seemed substandard compared to Yoona, who sat freaking first chair."  
  
"How did you even attain her horn?" I asked out of curiosity.  
  
"I didn't actually grow close to Yoona until it was announced that she would undergo assisted suicide", I could see that Sana was trying to hold back even more tears and it made me look like a terrible person for asking that sort of question, "A-And then..."  
  
"You know what, I should've not asked."  
  
Sana meaningfully grasped my shoulders, biting her lip as she forced her eyes not to shed a single teardrop, "I know that death is a hard topic to come by, and I'm still not over the decision that Yoona has made to end her suffering from AIDS. But we're going to go through your hardships together. And by “we”, I mean me and Chaeyoung and all of the other Pops Orchestra members."  
  
Her words hit me hard, like a bolt of thunder plunging down into the face of the earth. Hot, bitter tears began to pour down from my pale cheeks, dripping off my chin. I felt guilty for not staying in contact with Sana after she moved to San Francisco, even after shaking pinky fingers together.   
  
"S-Sana. I'm sorry again", I apologized, burying my head in shame, "It just came across my mind that I was such a bad friend back then."  
   
Sana inched closer to my bed to put my trembling self in her full embrace, whispering softly to my ear, "I can't stay mad at you because if I keep holding a grudge against you, I'm going to regret it in the long run. I wish that I didn’t stay mad at Yoona for making that decision because I could’ve used the time to get to know her better and hang out with her, all before she.... you know, died."  
  
"Death is not so much an inevitable person", I said, slumping my figure against the pillow that Nurse Sally gave me.   
  
"Indeed, he isn't", Sana responded back before attemping to lighten up the mood, "I’ve heard from Chaeng that you’re taking online ASL classes.”  
  
“Yeah”, I nodded, “Wait, how did you even meet Chaeyoung?”  
  
Sana's cheeks turned into a rosy pink, "Jihyo and Chaeyoung were the only ones who truly reached out to me and stood up for me whenever I got belittled by the other Youth Orchestra members. That's why I'm so overprotective — those two have inspired me to stand up for myself and others that I truly cared about. And the reason why I learned sign language was because I wanted to repay Chaeyoung for protecting me."

_Jihyo holds out her hand, helping me off the ground, "Pay no mind to him. He's probably a Juilliard-reject."  
  
Sana smiles, "Chaeyoung says that she was glad to help, especially after you defended her in rehearsals."_

"Oh, no wonder you're so hardheaded", I sputtered out, instantly regretting it. But Sana just giggled.  
  
"Mina, I apologize if I made you upset during the period that I got mad at you for laughing at Chaeyoung. I should've listened to you when you tried to explain the situation to me", She replied in a low voice, an odd quirk for such an energetic person like her, "You were laughing at Reina, and not Chaeyoung. Sorry for not catching that. I guess my excited energy got myself carried away. I'm sorry".  
  
I smirked as I granted the tall girl a smack on the back, "Why are your thoughts about that situation lingering up to this day? I'm over that."  
  
"I just wanted to get it out of my head."  
  
All of a sudden, Sana reached for her coat pocket to pull out a piece of candy that she bought from a German confectionery store located nearby. It turned out to be Wiener Zuckerl, a type of Englhofer Viennese confit that resembles more of a fruit candy with a delicious filling that tastes like apricots, lemons, raspberries, pineapples, and mandarins. The making is kept as a secret and there is no official recipe released.  
  
"Try it", Sana handed the piece of candy over to me.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
Sana gave me a content smile, placing the confection in the palm of my sweaty hand, "They say that candy is like comfort food: It soothes the mind and preserves it from bad thoughts. The Viennese people treat it as a specialty, as a form of medicine."  
  
"Can they act as anti-depressants?" I quipped.  
  
"I can't answer that."  
  
"Thank you, anyways", I took the miniscule treat and popped it right into my mouth, "It's not bad."  
  
"I'm glad that you liked it", She beamed at my reaction as she held out her warm hand for me to hold, "I'm having Chaeyoung bring your concert dress, musical score, and instrument case over here just in case the doctors allow you to leave for tomorrow's concert. She has my room key."  
  
"Cool", I acknowledged, entwining my fingers with her fingers.  
  
"Feel a little better now?" she pressed.  
  
I shrug, "I'm not a hundred-percent sure."  
  
"Goddammit Mina. You don't need the validation of other people to know your own worth", Sana finally says after turning down a notch.  
  
"Hmm..." I mumbled low and inarticulately.  
  
"So what if your parents or The Six leave you? Whatever makes you feel terrible, abandon it. Whatever makes you feel happy, keep it. Take care of yourself,  **love** yourself for Christ's sake. You're not alone because you have me, Chaeyoung, and a bunch of other dorks in the JPO who care about you", Sana remains insistent on getting me up on my ass and appreciating myself — a mentality that I find increasingly hard for me to take on.  
  
"You make it sound so easy when it's not", I murmured bitterly.  
  
"I didn't say it was  _easy_ ", she clarified, hands on her hips, "But anyways, Mina. Are you going to perform tomorrow?"  
  
I'm shocked that Sana would even ask that. Normally, she'd bludgeon me into staying in bed so I can rest more. Maybe she wants me to play my bassoon. Maybe she wants me to make use of whatever time I have left with my hearing abilities. No, it's not that: Sana wants me to live.   
  
"Mina?" Sana calls me to attention.  
  
"Huh? I mean— yeah!" I fumbled, "Yeah, I'm performing. That's if, I can get permission."  
  
"Want me to talk to Dr. McIntosh for you?" Sana offered.  
  
I hid a smile, "I'd appreciate it."

* * *

**The Sixty-Second Measure**

Saturday: October 17, 2020  
  
Sana and I talk all night as if nothing had happened, so when I wake up the next day, I feel especially tired.  
  
The morning scenery was spectacular; perfect for the first day of a competition. I watched from the ICU window as the large glowing sphere rose slowly into the dismal morning sky, casting sunbeams in every direction while it illuminated the metropolitan city of New York. Opening the window, I stared out at the glass panes as the colors made by the rising sun changed, growing more vivid with the passing time, making the sky more radiant as it climbed higher and higher into the blue. I had a gut feeling that today would be different from yesterday.  
  
I received confirmation from Dr. McIntosh that I can leave the hospital to perform with the Juilliard Orchestra. Being told that assuaged me in a sense because not only am I aware of the fact that I'm losing my hearing, I'm positive that my parents are going to livestream this performance from the British Broadcasting Corporation's (BBC) website. There's no escaping that case.  
  
Once Nurse Sally removed my nubbins and my IV needle, I led into one bathroom down the hallway, where I took a quick shower and changed from my hospital gown into regular clothes. Over the phone, Jihyo informed me that Chaeyoung and Sana would be waiting for me near the entrance, waving a hand to get my attention. Although I was a bit relieved to hear that I can go back to perform at the Juilliard Orchestra’s second concert of the season, I was still disturbed at the fact that my nurse indicated that I might not be able to pursue a music career after my hearing is completely gone. What exactly did she mean when she said that my chances were not very high? Did those words just spurt out of her mouth without consciousness or did she really mean it? That thought lingered in my head throughout our entire trek to the concert venue.   
  
The Juilliard Orchestra's second concert would be held in Carnegie Hall — a venue that is highly regarded as a must for musicians to make their name in New York City. If you ask a native New Yorker or a performing arts fanatic about how to get to Carnegie Hall, their usual reply would be to "practice" — practice your butt off because performing at Carnegie Hall isn't a right; it's a privilege.   
  
Before heading to our seats, I monitored the capacity of the concert hall's stage to see if Reina was within range. The three of us had arrived early and there weren't a lot of members of our orchestra that were present. In fact, we were one of the first ones along with a couple of other hardworking musicians including concertmaster Kai, who seems to be having a conversation with the conductor. Fortunately for me, Reina and the others were nowhere to be seen, allowing me to have some peace and calmness for the time between now and the beginning of tonight’s concert.  
  
The Six must not know about my acoustic neuroma, especially after Reina snitched on me for missing one Music Theory class.   
  
That must be her form of revenge after I ratted her out.  
  
Sana, Chaeyoung, and I chilled backstage so that we could have our own space, separated from the other orchestra musicians. Sana was working on Chaeyoung's makeup when I decided to take out my black concert dress from Chaeyoung's bag. I took a gander at it — a black laced dress with a V-neckline, three-quarter length sleeves, and a long black skirt delicate ruching throughout. _Nice taste, Chaeyoung._  
  
"Mina!" Sana called, motioning me to come up to the makeup table as soon as Chaeyoung got up, "Let me do your makeup!"  
  
"I can do my own makeup", I urged. I don't want Sana to cake my face with makeup from freaking _Etude House_. I'm aiming to look like a poised, sophisticated musician in a professional orchestra; not some teenaged, rookie K-pop idol from a group that caters to girlish music.   
  
And she better not use any lip gloss.  
  
" _Pwetty Pwease_ ", Sana begged. Chaeyoung nodded in agreement at this.  
  
_*sigh*_  
  
"Fine", I rolled my eyes, "But don't make me look like jailbait."  
  
She nodded, suppressing her laughter at the word 'jailbait', "I'll do it after you change."  
  
After slithering into my dress, I sat on a stool facing the blonde girl, the mirror behind her. Sana had to adjust the chair to reach her height, making it easier for her to apply makeup. She first applied two coats of peach concealer and powder that matched my natural skin tone. I was lucky enough to recognize that Sana was smart enough not to apply lipstick. Must be because being a fellow wind instrumentalist, she wouldn't want my lips to be ruined by my reed. Instead, she only applied a slight amount of lip balm to ease my chapped lips.   
  
"Great! Now I need you to do me a favor and relax", Sana spoke as she held the eyeliner pen with her mouth, "Try not to move as much."  
  
Proceeding with the eye makeup, Sana added brown eyeshadow, mascara, and black liquid eyeliner to highlight what she calls my “twinkling eyes”, while keeping its modesty at the same time. I couldn’t help but feel delirious when she began coat my eyelids with the eyeliner and dotted lumps of glittery eye shadow above. Then she punctuated a heap ton of mascara on my eyelashes and I could’ve sworn that I became temporarily blind. I closed my eyes throughout Sana’s cosmetic session. 

_"What are the chances of me flourishing in a music career after my hearing is gone?"  
  
"Not very hi—"_

“Mina, wake up! Your makeup is done!”  
  
I watched my reflection through the mirror. Sana didn't go too insane with my makeup. In fact, she made it as modest as possible, applying moisturizer to make my face smoother and more refined. I was also unaware of the fact that she tendrilled my red hair with a curling iron.  
  
"Perfecto!" She rejoiced, giving herself a feel of accomplishment, "I'm going to rotate the stool so you're facing the mirror. If you didn't notice, I also worked on your hair. You can take a look at your makeup if you want to. Give me some feedback".  
  
"Not bad", I smirked.  
  
"Hey! You said that you didn't want to look like jailbait!" Sana crossed her arms, unappeased with my mundane reaction.  
  
"Sorry, I'm just exhausted", I said, "At least I look mature."  
  
"It's something, I guess?" Sana wondered as she brushed her disheveled hair, "So I don't have to change anything, do I?"  
  
"Nope", I confirmed, "You wouldn't even have time to do your own makeup if I asked you to redo mine."  
  
"Oh, shoot! You're right", she realizes her bedraggled self and begins preparing the items necessary for her hairstyling.  
  
Sana becoming occupied had left me and Chaeyoung in the same space, alone. I don't think I've ever been face-to-face with Chaeyoung like this, at least not after she kissed me for Jeongyeon's dare. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room before any of us could spurt out a single word. Actually, Chaeyoung can't speak liberally, so that statement doesn't make sense. It was one of those uncomfortable silences where it felt like the sound of a fallen pindrop would make a big difference. We could've used sign language but I'm not exceptionally fluent at it yet.  
  
What are we even supposed to be talking about?  
  
I could ask her about what went on in Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals while I was gone. _I bet they just practiced and practiced under Maestro Petrenko's watchful eye_. Or I could ask Chaeyoung how she felt after kissing me that one evening. _Are you stupid, Mina? There's no way in hell you'd be comfortable asking that question._  I could ask about what she ate. _You three ate breakfast together! At the concession stands!_ OrI could ask about the weather. _Idiot._   _You were just outside._  Or what her favorite color is. _Lame._ Or maybe just—  
  
Hold up. Why can't I just ask Chaeyoung about how she goes through her life without hearing?  
  
Okay. Now I seriously need to get a grip on sign language.  
  
I whipped up my phone and texted the younger girl.

**[Mina Myoui]: Can we talk?**

Sitting across from me at the wide table fixated in the center of the room, Chaeyoung stared inquisitively at me.

**[Son Chaeyoung]: Talk about what?**

**[Mina Myoui]: Did Sana tell you about what Dr. McIntosh told me?**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: About the acoustic neuroma? Of course.**

Of course Sana would tell Chaeyoung.   
  
Chaeyoung is deaf. I'm about to become deaf. The concept just fits, like a crossword puzzle.

**[Mina Myoui]: Why do you still want to become a music major if you're completely deaf?**

Chaeyoung laughed at me.

**[Son Chaeyoung]: lol what are you talking about? I can still hear :O**

I narrowed my eyes.

**[Mina Myoui]: Huh?**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: Hahaha. Not with my ears of course, but I can still listen to music with the rest of my body.**

The percussionist mentions this and I think back to that time when she auditioned for the Juilliard Orchestra. She showed up barefoot, an oddity that most people (admittedly me) would consider absurd. But then over time, I've found out that Chaeyoung does this _all the damn time_ — in Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals, in Pops Orchestra rehearsals, and wherever else she's asked to play.

**[Mina Myoui] Tell me how.**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: Mainly my feet xD Sounds weird, right? But it helps me to perform better because my hearing aids alone don't get the job done all too well. And plus, I don't have any hearing aids right now because of well... ya know what happened. I'm not going to explain. But back to my point. When I'm barefooted, I can feel the vibrations from my toes and my heels running up my spine and into my brain.**

**[Mina Myoui]: That's amazing, I think.**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: Yup :D**

**[Mina Myoui]: But don't you get discouraged sometimes? Like when you can't hear the instruments around you?**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: True but I also think that you're mistaken :)**

**[Mina Myoui]: Why?**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: Losing my hearing has allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of music.**

**[Mina Myoui]: But you're a percussionist, though. It's easier for you to make connections with the earth. I don't think I can do that.**

**[Son Chaeyoung]: Of course you can. Just not in the same way as I do, of course.**

**[Mina Myoui]: What do you mean?**

My phone died. I haven't been able to charge it while I was hospitalized.  
  
I take a quick glance at Chaeyoung, itching for an answer. But she just gestures to me as a way of saying, "Who knows?"  
  
Sana finishes her makeover and swivels in her chair, throwing an amusing face at both of us, "You guys are texting each other in the same room?"  
  
Chaeyoung and Sana have the rest of their chat using the sign langauge and I don't bother to spell out their hand movements in my head. I'm too fatigued from sleeping for too long and I need a good rest before dress rehearsal begins at 10 a.m. I put my head down on the makeup table as not to mess up my hair. After I'm comfortable enough to take a power nap, I close my eyes. 

* * *

**The Sixty-Third Measure**

Dress rehearsals end on a high note and all I have to worry about is the concert that follows afterwards. Me, Sana, and Chaeyoung met with Jeongyeon and "The Crack Squad" to eat In-N-Out in the lobby and this time, my hamburger was done right. Nayeon and I are still on awkward terms, but we seem to slowly mend our relationship after she poked fun at me for dousing my fries in Heins ketchup. After dinner, Sana and I had to sprint to the bathroom and wash out our mouths before tuning our instruments. But whatever, that's a different story.  
  
Now I'm standing with my fellow musicians at the stage of the Issac Stern Auditorium, the largest performing space in Carnegie Hall, receiving an astounding yet welcoming applause from the audience. Maestro Petrenko had made his marvelous entrance, bearing the title of director of the most decorated orchestra on earth. I've stood on the auditorium's Ronald O. Perelman stage countless times in my career, mainly to perform various concertos with either the New York Philharmonic or other guest orchestras like the American Symphony Orchestra (ASO), the New York Youth Symphony (NYYS), or the National Youth Orchestra of the United States of America (NYO-USA). But the pressure and adrenaline of having to perform in one of the most prestigious concert halls in the world never failed to leave me petrified. I'll always subject to the demanding and bloodcurdling opinions of the rich concert-goers, the nit-picking classical music magazine critics, the penetrating newspaper workers...  
  
And of course, my mom and my dad.

The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.

I suck in a deep breath, knowing for a sure thing that Sana is somewhere in the row behind me and that Chaeyoung is at the uppermost platform of the stage with the other percussionists. She's barefooted again but the tall backs of the brass players obscure her cute little feet. Jeongyeon and her minions of the "Crack Squad" (Nayeon, Momo, Jihyo, Dahyun and Tzuyu) are situated in the topmost row of seats on the most elevated balcony. They must be exhausted from having to climb up one-hundred and thirty-seven steps after overindulging on junk food.  
  
My vision is blurry because of the excessive amount of mascara that Sana had applied to my eyelashes, therefore making it even tougher for me to skim through my sheet music. I gaped at my bassoon, sitting in the tight clasp of my small hands, waiting for me to make magic within its eight feet-long coiling. I deliberately whispered to my instrument before Maestro Petrenko rose his baton,  _Hear me out, okay?_ _I need you tonight._  
  
Let the concert begin.  
  
[_Polovstian Dances_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mOPkNUVPmI) was first-up on the list. Alexander Borodin knew how to use every instrument in the orchestra to bring his compositions to life. In this short yet sweet section from his opera _Prince Igor_ , he made the flutes tweet like birds and the double reeds chirp like crickets. The strings represented the eastern horizon as the beauty of the sun offered its enchanting golden light.  
  
But this is all the calm before the storm.  
  
The percussion instruments roll in like a burro making its way around the mountains. Himchan's snare roll matches the angry, marching tone of the song just fine. I smiled when Chaeyoung did the cymbal crashes at the right moments. She's getting more accustomed to playing without hearing.  
  
I've heard Chaeyoung play before, in Pops Orchestra rehearsals with timpanist Jeongyeon and the other percussionists. And when she gets accustomed to the playing environment, she sounds fantastic. Percussionists don't get appreciated as much as other instrumentalists because common people would think that their instruments are way too easy to play. But they don't realize that percussionists add texture and vitality to an ensemble and without them, there would be no life. And plus, percussionists must master not one, but many instruments and use separate techniques to alter the sound in anyway possible. They're like mad scientists — always innovative and finding ways to reinvent their playing styles.  

There is a surprising amount of technique involved in any percussion instrument. Cymbals sound different depending on where you hit them, how hard, and at what angle. They can also be bowed like a violin in more experimental pieces. Even a triangle has advanced techniques like syncopated muting. Cymbals are one of the most unforgiving instruments. You are called upon to play in the most important spots with perfect timing and if you screw up its immediately noticed. Fortunately, Chaeyoung doesn't mess up. She plays thunderously and with this heated vigor.  
  
The strings get madder and madder. The brass section simulate the sounds of rolling thunder and their vigor just burns my skin.   
  
Then the exultant piece transitions into a glorious timeline that is Mahler's [_Fifth Symphony_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ipte0gDlSr4). Its pivotal moments include the indicative yet potent trumpet solo in the beginning, the dominant horn solos in the third movement, and the widely-acclaimed fourth movement — the  _Adagietto_. Commencing the _Trauermarsch (Funeral March)_ was JB on the trumpet. His tone is docile and unexaggerated yet he rings of brightness in the same form as a warning call, whatever it may be. I didn't expect much worse until the defeaning brass came in out of thin air, canceling out my hearing and giving me a mild vertigo throughout. The term "Funeral March" really brings out its name at the appropriate occasion.   
  
_Goddammit. Why didn't I bring ear protection?_  
  
As soon as the first movement resolved into the second movement, sitting in front of the trombone section really proves to be a hindrance to my hearing abilities. Normally, I've been okay with my section being placed in front of either the trumpets or the trombones. That's if I don't get whacked in the head by a slide or even worse, receive an earsplitting _fortissimo_. Other than that, I'm usually not bothered with the brass section.  
  
Until today.  
  
Next thing I knew, my hearing was gone for the entirety of the second movement. My tinnitus returns without warning, droning out the surrounding sounds and giving me this nonstop, high-pitched ring like someone blowing a whistle in my ear. What's even scarier is that I can't even hear the sound of my own bassoon. I tried not to panic and just play as written on the score, but then my vertigo remains and the notes stippled the bars begin to distort into a jumble of spiders or whatnot. Blowing constantly into my reed only proceeds to hurt my head even more.   
  
_Was I not ready to leave the hospital yet?_  
  
The orchestra quiets down in the short break between the second and third movements. I partly regain my hearing, just in time for the [_Scherzo_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKPlH6L5zeE).  
  
The third movement is just perfect for Sana Minatozaki — the numerous horn solos are lively and powerful and _gay_. It's the shifting of darkness to light. My music history professor speculates that Mahler wrote this movement during a romantic period in his life, as if it were a confession of love.  
  
Whatever the heck that means.  
  
I shook off the thought and placed the reed on my lips again. The _Scherzo_ starts out lighthearted with its loud and jubilant waltzes initiated by none other than Sana herself, tossed in with the woodwinds tooting like toy trains. The atmosphere is all cutesy and merry until the horn calls everything to a halt and the B theme comes into play — a nostalgic Austrian dance between what could've possibly been Mahler and his future wife, Alma Maria Schindler. I'm just hypothesizing things based off what I've learned in class. My music history professor is such a hopeless romantic.  
  
Sana is kind of a hopeless romantic too, now that I've mentioned it.  
  
The orchestra spirals down into what Kai calls the "epic sound-off" between the charming, overweighing horns and the trembling strings and the awkward woodwinds (a.k.a. me). And then the sound of Sana's French horn takes command again and again and again like a beast on its own, ruling over the roost, laying down the law. In an idealistic relationship, the horns would be the more dominant partner, just like Mahler.  
  
Mina, focus.  
  
The _Scherzo_ comes back again, as if it's never been away. I'm given another rest in between movements and all I could hear was the soft, flowing sound of the Sana's melody as she let it envelop her soul with its warm tone quality. Every note soared like an elegant swan flapping its white wings in synch with the gentle breeze, like a skilled dance partner on the ballroom floor. I'm floored at how calm the soloist is. Sana plays sweetly yet so powerfully, as if nothing can barge into her path. Even if she knew that fatigue was inevitable, at least she'll play with dignity rather than flatly escaping. She was ready to face the inexorable danger, not knowing whether or not she's going to collapse in the middle of the performance from all of those solos. Wow, I actually do admire Sana. I could never muster up the courage to play so boldly and—  
  
Mina, seriously. You need to focus.  
  
The coda, in my opinion, is considered the most difficult among the themes. The tempo is much faster and more demanding as opposed to the mushy and mild-sounding waltzes from earlier. This requires more articulation and proving a great deal of lip trills on the brass front. _Jesus Christ, Sana is so good._ The supposedly horn-sounding thing turned out to be that golden, expensive-ass instrument handed over to her by Yoona. Sana wielded is in her cushy hands like a weapon, the grieving instrument shouting out its harsh, penetrating voice in which the player expressed her anguish and misery. Her tone was so somber, yet so severe and compelling that it was forcing my feeble character to bring out my tear-jerking senses to life. _Damn you, Sana. Damn you, Sana. Damn you, Sana. God fucking dammit, Sana._  
  
How can a young girl like her manage to play so beautifully? Even I'm not capable of evoking such emotions, not like her at least.

 _"DON'T YOU EVEN DARE THINK ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF!"_

No.

_"Dammit Mina, I'm not going to lose another friend to death."_

No.

_"Do you even realize how much _**I**  _love you?"_

Sana, why...?  
  
Now I’m clearly distraught by something, tears ebbing down my rosy cheeks with every passing note of melancholy from Sana. Why? Why am I such a terrible person? I didn't mean to hurt Sana's feelings like that. Playing the same damn horn as her idol must be torture because she's _gone_.  
  
Come the _[Adagietto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15WQNKhaCHY) _ and my feelings become a mess. It is the shifting of light to to even more light. Mahler wrote this movement as a melancholic love letter to Alma Schindler. In addition, the _Adagietto_ can also be made to showcase such heart-wrenching moods, and performances at extremely slow tempos can be touching to the hearts of audiences and players alike. This idea of the _Adagietto_ may have arose in the autumn of 1990, after Leonard Bernstein's death when orchestras around the world added this movement to their programs in his memory.  
  
The fourth movement is Mahler's most famous composition and the poignant strings bring the embodiment of life and death. Figure skater Ekaterina Gordeeva used it for her routine at the 1996 "Celebration of Life", Luchino Visconti used it as a soundtrack for the film, _Death in Venice_.   
  
Music is so beautiful.  
  
The _Adagietto,_  written in the sense of a tragic love story, acts as a haven of tranquility in the vitality of Mahler's _Fifth Symphony_. Its placid melody and subdued ambiance moved me instantly. Such is the beauty of life and song. I don't want to die yet, not while I still have my hearing. If I die now, I won't be able to hear anymore of Sana's playing and that disheartens me. I think I'll stay a little longer to revel in the sensation of music.  
  
Sana is right. I can't leave this world yet, not while I still have my hearing intact.  
  
The fifth and final movement of this symphony, _[Rondo-Finale](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5573xP6JkU)_ , resembles a big happy finale for Mahler and his lover, in comparison to the beginning movements where the mood is serious and grim. Sana makes her comeback with her happy-go-lucky, loud-as-hell horn. And then comes in my bassoon before switching back to the horn, and then my bassoon again along with the clarinet and the oboe in between. In rehearsal breaks, Chaeyoung would make fun of the fact that Sana and I were the epitome of Mahler and his wife just because we switched off solos. I found her analysis ridiculous because the bassoon sounds nowhere close to a woman's voice. If anything it would've been a gay love story — man on man.  
  
Why am I even thinking about this?  
  
Mina, you need to concentrate _. But how can I concentrate when I feel this delirious?_  
  
The finales are usually the best part of any symphony, especially this one. I could hear how the voices come in one all at a time with their own melodies. The brass section sounds dynamic and divine, the woodwinds are graceful and delicate, and the strings and nimble yet balletic. Chaeyoung's lively cymbal crashes are precise and paramount. Sana's heroic horn playing is intense and expressive. Most members of our orchestra would not acknowledge this but if it wasn't for these two girls running this orchestra, everything would've been a disaster. They bring exceptional qualities even though they originally hailed from the underrated Pops Orchestra. And they may not have won as many awards or have been acknowledged by preeminent reviewers or masses, but in my eyes, they're some of the best performers I've ever seen. They don't play according to detail.  
  
Even better.  
  
They perform with blood and passion.   
  
I want to become more like them.

* * *

**The Sixty-Fourth Measure**

Sunday: October 18, 2020  
  
The next day, I woke up in a daze as I laid on the bed of the Intensive Care Unit, rubbing my cloudy eyes to receive a perspective of what I'm looking at. At that moment, I knew that I would still be holed up in this damn institution because I was alone, my left hand was hooked up to another 20 gauge peripheral IV line that transmitted fluids unknown to my disoriented self, and there were bleeping sounds resonating within the machinery placed around the room. I also realized that I wasn't wearing my black concert dress, but rather I was wearing the medical center’s signature sky-blue hospital gown. My nostrils were attached to oxygen nubbins that hung around my ears, the tubes leading to a BiPAP machine that regulated my breathing patterns.   
  
"What's going on?" I sleepily asked a different nurse who was adjusting my oxygen tank.  
  
"Your friend, Sana or whatever, called the emergency hotline, therefore we brought you here by ambulance", She replied.  
  
I cocked my head, "I don't even remember passing out."  
  
"Of course you don't!" the nurse said, "At least you fainted offstage. You were having vertigo. Must've been from the loudness of the orchestra and the audience combined. And plus, you sit in front of the trombones and their bells are always pointed behind your ears so... yeah."  
  
I scratched my head before coming to a realization that I was going to miss the Juilliard Orchestra’s pit performance with the Dance Division, "Wait, can I go back to school? I have another performance for tonight. I have to perform _Swan Lake_ and the _Rite of S_ —”  
  
"Oh, no, no, no. That's impossible!" The nurse protested, her eyes exhibiting an impression of worry, "The doctors need to perform some tests on you before you can leave. You were in a horrible condition last night and we can't just let you off the hook. Dr. McIntosh declared that we're going to keep you here for a few days before he permits you to leave".  
  
A few days?  
  
"But I need to practice!" I moaned, "I can’t miss any more days of school."  
  
"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that", She gave me an apologetic expression before leaving the room, "I don't have the jurisdiction to authorize your leave. You'll just have to skip school as well as that performance that you just mentioned."  
  
I opened my mouth for another protest, "But—"  
  
The moment the nurse closed the door shut, my rosy cheeks were brimming with endless tears, worried stiff about not being able to practice as well as stressing about my parents throwing spiteful comments at me for missing an important performance. I couldn't do anything to prepare, as my score was left on the desk near the window of my room, along with my bassoon case being placed beside my bed, waiting for its owner to pick it up and play. Eventually, my current state was reduced to instances of coughing fits, with mucus climbing up my respiratory tract and lingering in my throat, making my voice sound scratchy and extremely gruff.  
  
_*sigh*_  
  
After lunch, Nurse Sally informed me that I would go through a chest radiograph to identify the problems with my breathing, and then another CT scan to monitor the growth of my tumors. Because I couldn't stand up, the doctor had to carry out the procedure with the X-ray plate above my figure. Once they finished examining my body, I was permitted to return to the ICU, watching episodes of stupid comedy series like _The Big Bang Theory_ or _How I Met Your Mother,_  all on the small television set at the corner of my room as I waited for my results.  
  
In the hospital's conference room, a group of doctors, social workers, and nurses gathered around a large, rectangular table to address my illness. With a solemn look on his face, Dr. McIntosh entered the room as he placed the X-ray of my brain face-down in the center of the table, pointing to two huge blobs located on the somewhere in my nervous system. I sat in the middle of this entire discussion.  
  
"The tumors became bigger", He strongly declared, "Mina, you need to make your decision now about whether or not you'll undergo this surgical process."

* * *

**The Sixty-Fifth Measure**

Visiting hours for patients have opened.   
  
Once the evening hits, I'm no longer worried about missing that pit orchestra performance with the dance division. (1) I've managed to dodge _The Rite_ again, (2) My parents wouldn't even be able to locate me since the orchestra is in the pit and the stage belongs to the dancers, (3) This production is not being broadcasted by BBC and my parents can't livestream this performance due to copyright, and (4) They probably don't even know about this spontaneous performance, so they're not even going to try and watch it.  
  
Sana and Chaeyoung were the first ones to visit. Before leaving the join the rest of the Juilliard Orchestra members for tonight's work, they dropped off dinner for me — a homemade Japanese-Korean fusion bento meal formulated by the two of them at Chaeyoung's apartment complex. The box consisted of shrimp and vegetable tempura, deep fried mandu, chicken teriyaki, Korean mochi rice cakes, salmon sashimi, and this Korean confectionary that Chaeyoung calls _Hangwa_. Their simple meal tasted better than anything I've ever had at a fancy, Michelin star restaurant.  
  
Sana and Chaeyoung could open up a dining joint and I would become a regular customer.  
  
SinB was my next visitor, and she showed up to my room in ballet slippers and a dazzling white tutu and corset under her beige winter coat. I nearly forgot that she was in Juilliard's dance division. I'm honestly thankful that SinB would squeeze in some time to visit me before her big performance tonight. Before SinB left, she said something about working even harder so that she could function at the same level as me and her friend, Yerin. I felt even more touched that she would say that, especially since I couldn't give her a lesson today since I was in the hospital.  
  
Minutes after SinB leaves, Sowon and the other fanclub members come by to drop off **even more** food for me — macarons, cupcakes, assorted candies, Yerin even baked a chocolate cake. A _fucking_ cake. It tasted great of course, but the cake was more than what my stomach could take in.  
  
Lastly, Jeongyeon and the "Crack Squad" came in thirty minutes just before visiting hours had closed. They all pitched in to make me a care package and Dahyun came up with the eccentric idea of buying me an oversized  _Pororo_ plushie, just so that I have a buddy "to sleep with." I had to laugh at that statement. I've never slept with a single stuffed animal in my entire life, not even when I was four.  
  
"Are you going to finish that cake?" Momo eagerly gawks at my unfinished dessert sitting on my bedside table.  
  
"Momo! We're not here to ravage Mina's stuff!" Nayeon scolds, flicking the hungry violinist's forehead.  
  
"You can have it", I said.  
  
"Gee, Minaring. Thanks!" Momo doesn't even pause for a second and takes the entirety of Yerin's chocolate cake in a heartbeat.  
  
Most of their visiting minutes were spent talking about random topics and Jihyo updating me about what I missed at Pops Orchestra rehearsals. They have announced the date of their opening night — November 19th, one month from now. The reason being is because they were having trouble finding a children's choir and an adult choir for _My Neighbor Totoro_ when Nozomi Bando, one of the violists, showed that she has connections with the Tokyo National Children's Chorus and the Professional Japanese Choral Association.  
  
"So where is our concert going to be held?" I ask.   
  
"The Metropolitan Opera House", Jeongyeon answers casually.  
  
"The Met—" I raised my eyebrows, "How in the world are you guys going to fill up a 3,800-seated venue?"  
  
"Oh, Mina. Don't worry about it! We've already sold out tickets that night", Jeonyeon ensures, laughing heartily, "Our purchasers include our families, our friends, the non-musician members of your fanclub, the cute little kids and their relatives from the Special School of Music that Chaeyoung brought up to us one night, the parents of the chorus children, and some other random guests and classical magazine critics."  
  
"Nayeon is keen in advertising and she's the face of our orchestra", Jihyo compliments.  
  
"That's awesome, Nayeon", I smiled.  
  
The clarinetist turned her face away from me, probably because she was blushing, "Thanks... Mina."  
  
Momo talks with her mouth full, "Wow, you shoo are shill awkward even up to thish day." ( _Wow, you two are still awkward even up to this day_ )   
  
"Anyways, Mina. Thanks to Sana, we knew about your important decision to make regarding your brain tumors", Jihyo brings up in a calm and gentle tone, "Don't worry about the cost of your hospital dues because we're going to pay for it. The eight of us plus every single member of your fanclub pitched in to raise money for your surgery, knowing how important it is that we'd keep it as discretely as possible from your parents."  
  
"No matter how expensive it is. We're going to pay for every single dime", Tzuyu grinned.  
  
Realizing this, I hung my head low as to not show tears, "You guys, I feel bad."  
  
"Mina", Nayeon breathes, slowly putting a hand on my shoulder, a gesture that woos everyone in the room, "Your life will always be more valuable than money. None of us want you to die, even me. You've made it this far in your career and it would be wrong to take your life away from you."   
  
"She's right, Mina", Jeongyeon beams, "Just let us do this for you. We're doing this because we want to."  
  
I'm seriously about to cry now. I wasn't absolutely sure that I deserved this kind of treatment after The Six and I have avoided and made fun of the Pops Orchesra for years. I don't even deserve to be consoled by Nayeon, whom I left out of fear. I let the tears soak up my chest.  
  
"Oh no, Minaring is crying!" Momo drops her plastic fork and starts to run up to me with a hug.  
  
"Awwww... don't cry! We love you, Mina!" Jihyo's sweet-sounding voice hummed into my head.  
  
Nayeon stroked my wine-colored hair, strands coming together as if the distance between us came to a close.  
  
"Please don't die, Mina", Nayeon begs, also breaking down into tears, "You're such a beautiful girl with so much potential waiting for you in the near future. Your bassoon playing is so compelling, and it's really sad how your parents don’t appreciate your true talent. I love the deep, mellow sound of your bassoon; people have been telling you to play more accurately and without error, but what you can do is already good enough. Your style of playing is more fascinating than the plain, clean songs I hear from professionals; you have an honest sound. Don't let people try to change you for who you are, not even your parents, because it's not healthy in the long run. You need to do what makes you happy; you need to take care of yourself. I'm sorry for being so hostile to you when you left me. Please forgive me. I can’t imagine a life without you and your music."  
  
At that point, I bursted into a waterfall of tears trickling down my dreary face. All of the "Crack Squad" members pulled me into a tight embrace. Nayeon, who was already within close proximity to me, pulled my mourning self closer to her chest, allowing me to sob into her cotton sweater that had soddened up my salty tears. Nayeon is right. I can't let myself go after coming so far and making so many achievements.  
  
"Okay", I told them, "I'll go with the surgery, even if it means that I'm going to lose all of my hearing."

* * *

**BONUS (Thank Goodness)**  
  
Meanwhile at the David H. Koch Theater, Sana and Chaeyoung were in the pit orchestra preparing for tonight's performance. The two girls kept running back and forth from the move-in trucks to transfer the percussion instruments. After all of the hard work they did, they decided to wind down backstage with SinB, who was doing some stretching exercises on the floor when her phone started to ring.   
  
"Who is that?" Sana asked the dance major.  
  
SinB stares at the caller ID, "It's Jihyo. According to Sowon, I think they're at the hospital visiting Mina."  
  
Sana is wide-awake at the calling of Mina's name, "Oh! Answer it!"  
  
SinB interludes her stretching regimen, does what she is told and puts her smartphone up to her ear. Sana and Chaeyoung are crowding around the ballerina as they're extremely eager to hear news from Jihyo about Mina. Sana is also preparing to translate for Chaeyoung.  
  
"Hello?" SinB answers.  
  
"You guys! I'm so happy right now!" Jihyo's emphatic voice rings through SinB's ear.   
  
"What? What is it?" SinB speculated that Jihyo was crying.  
  
"Mina made her decision! She's going to have her brain tumors removed!" Jihyo rejoices, "She's not going to die! I repeat, she's not going to die!"  
  
"HOLY CRAP! HALLELUJAH!" SinB exulted, flinging her arms in the air with contenment and nearly dropping her phone. This shocks Sana and Chaeyoung. "Th-That's just wonderful news! I'm so proud of her! I can't wait to tell Sana and Chaeyoung about what Mina told you guys."  
  
"Mina told you what?" Sana was getting angsty.  
  
"Sh-She's going with the surgery", SinB's croaked.  
  
Sana hears this and she immediately tells Chaeyoung. Both girls are trying to hold back their droplets of joy, but then they all begin brimming with them. Raining in tears, the three girls celebrate with a large hug and start laughing at each other for crying.  
  
"Thank god. Thank god", Sana choked up her words, with a smile that could shake up the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: HORRAY FOR MINA!
> 
> Hope that you guys have enjoyed reading so far! Let me know in the comments below about what you guys think of this chapter! Do you like the Juilliard Orchestra's music? All of Sana's epic solos spread throughout? There's a symbolic meaning as to why I specifically chose Mahler's Fifth Symphony as the performance piece. And there is also a reason why I assigned Mina, Sana, and Chaeyoung their instruments. Oh lord, I love symbolism! I'd say it here, but I'll leave it to you guys to figure out the message behind the instruments that they play. 
> 
> Are you also looking forward to the Pops Orchestra's opening night? The Metropolitan Opera House is HUGE. Just in case some of you haven't noticed, text that is underlined indicates a link to the music that is played in the story so you guys can live out the full experience of being incorporated as an overseer of Mina and the others ;) Take care and look forward to my next update!
> 
> \-------------------------------
> 
> Articulation - In music, articulation refers to the direction or performance technique which affects the transition or continuity on a single note or between multiple notes or sounds.
> 
> Composition - Musical composition can refer to an original piece of music, either a song or an instrumental music piece, the structure of a musical piece, or the process of creating or writing a new song or piece of music. People who create new compositions are called composers in classical music.
> 
> Trumpet - The trumpet is a musical instrument. It has the highest register in the brass family. The most common is a transposing instrument pitched in B♭ with a tubing length of about 1.48 m (4 ft 10 in). Earlier trumpets did not have valves, but modern instruments generally have either three piston valves or, more rarely, three rotary valves. Each valve increases the length of tubing when engaged, thereby lowering the pitch.
> 
> Trombone - The trombone is a musical instrument in the brass family. Like all brass instruments, sound is produced when the player’s vibrating lips (embouchure) cause the air column inside the instrument to vibrate. Unlike other brass instrument that using a valve, the trombone mostly uses a telescoping slide mechanism that varies the length of the instrument to change the pitch.
> 
> Bar - In musical notation, a bar (or measure) is a segment of time corresponding to a specific number of beats in which each beat is represented by a particular note value and the boundaries of the bar are indicated by vertical bar lines.
> 
> Movement - A self-contained part of a musical composition or musical form. While individual or selected movements from a composition are sometimes performed separately, a performance of the complete work requires all the movements to be performed in succession.
> 
> Coda - A term used in music primarily to designate a passage that brings a piece (or a movement) to an end.


	14. tutti

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Words that are fingerspelled (e.g. spelled) out letter-by letter using sign language and then followed by the sign that coordinates with each word) will mostly be bolded rather than using this 'f-o-r-m-a-t' to prevent confusion and reading troubles
> 
> A/N: Alright readers, take your pick as you read this section. There is a slight difference in the way both pieces are arranged (ex. one is longer than the other), but the reading experience won't change regardless of which version you choose, so have fun with it. Generally, the Pops Orchestra does have a chorus and the programme is theoretically supposed to last for at least two hours. Unfortunately, there's no longer version of the Totoro orchestral arrangement on YouTube. So I'll leave links (Which you'll see in Measure 68) just so you guys can get a gist of what the Pops Orchestra Members are playing  

_tutti_  
Origin: Italian  
All together, usually used in an orchestral or choral score when the orchestra or all of the voices come in at the same time  
  


**The Sixty-Sixth Measure**

Wednesday: November 18, 2020  
  
One month had passed since I received stage four surgery. Unfortunately, this was only one of two or three surgeries I would have to go through since I also have Neurofibromatosis Type II, which is the reason why I'm going to lose hearing in both ears rather than just one.  
  
  
The twelve-hour long surgery had been nothing but lost time to me. I woke up and could still recount the names of my friends who supported me after the process. I could still have emotions, especially fear — fear of what would come next as time progresses.  
  
Life hasn't been much easier since I had part of my brain tumors removed. I wasn't allowed to leave the Columbia University Medical Center for weeks because I had to undergo a tremendous amount of physical therapy and mental tests to screen my condition. Dr. McIntosh told me that I would encounter a slower recovery rate because of the stage of my acoustic neuroma. My tinnitus still remained and I still had vertigo, but one of the most excruciating parts of my experience was undergoing nausea in the ICU. I couldn't move, my neck ached, my stomach was sore, and every two hours or so, nurses would come into my room with chipper attitudes when the reality is that they're just poking me with even more needles.  
  
I missed several days of school and Jihyo would have to drop by every Tuesday and Thursday to drop off any missed homework that were assigned for those days. My professors and my private instructor have already received doctor's notes so they were completely understanding of me not showing up to my classes and lessons, but I still felt terrible for not being there. Mingyu and Yerin subbed for me during Juilliard Orchestra and Pops Orchestra rehearsals. I've been absent for two Juilliard Orchestra concerts at the Alice Tully Hall — Brahms's [_Second_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI1vYHT43a4) and Bruckner's [_Ninth_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asFTFaeoVaw).  
  
I was given a time limit as to how long I could practice my bassoon because I was still recuperating and going ardent in my normal practice regimen would give me facial paralysis. My fingers lost their agility and my stamina depleted. I was devastated because I couldn't perform the same way as I did before. The loss of practice time and the state of my health had worsened my playing. I actually cried about this overnight.  
  
Today, I've finally been discharged from the hosptal. I'm still unbalanced and I can't walk on my own. This is where Sana and Chaeyoung came into play, supporting me with their strength by linking arms with mine's. Sana had a lone work shift to cover afterwards, so she left Chaeyoung and I in our dorm room. The air wasn't thin and dry, nor was it awkward. If anything, Chaeyoung and I were having a good time. We communicated.  
  
Wait, let me explain.  
  
When you're finished with your homework, your physical therapy sessions, and you've only been allocated an hour or two of bassoon practice a day, you'd spend the remainder of that day in bed. Somehow, you had to keep yourself occupied since watching soap operas all day won't cut it.  
  
During my hospital stay, I honed my sign language skills by continuing my online lessons and practicing with Chaeyoung and Sana. Sign language had become a crucial necessity to my survival. My hearing is going to decline over time and I needed to prepare myself for when that day comes. Sign language is not something that can be learned overnight, let's get that right. I'm not yet perfect and it will take a long time for me to achieve fluency. One to two months of five hour lessons once a week only taught me the basics.

Spending time with someone (Chaeyoung) who is actually deaf has been very beneficial in a sense that I have no choice but to use sign language but communicate with her.  
  
Through my personal experiences and practice conversations with Chaeyoung, I've summed up a lot of things about this girl than I'd expected:

1) This is her tenth year using sign language  
2) She's freaking good at video games.  
3) She's an amazing cook.  
4) She writes for the Juilliard Admissions Blog.  
5) Evelyn Glennie and Keiko Abe are her role models and I guess that she adores Picasso too?  
6) She can do taekwondo  
7) She has done drum corps before, once with Santa Clara Vanguard as a pit percussionist and once with the Blue Devils as a snare drummer.  
8) She loves to sleep (Who doesn't?)  
9) She likes K-POP and anime.  
  
And 10) She likes girls.  
  
The last fact doesn't faze me at all. I mean, do you remember the look on Chaeyoung's face when she kissed me at Dahyun and Tzuyu's apartment? Chaeyoung was flushed with this eye-popping amount of confidence that she didn't even take one minute to consider whether or not she'd take the kissing route or the alcohol route. She didn't even hesitate to slip her fingers into mine when we were walking in the frigid cold.  
  
But then again, Chaeyoung isn't twenty-one yet so she probably didn't want to take the risk of being caught wasted on the metro.  
  
Right now, Chaeyoung and I are lounging on the bottom bunk where Sana (formerly Chaekyung, who is taking a semester off from Juilliard) sleeps. We had just finished one round of Super Smash Bros. Wii U as Chaeyoung plundered my ass with her signature character, Kirby.  
  
I set down the Wii U controller, " _You know, you could've fought Reina's ass when she stole your hearing aids."_  
  
Chaeyoung snorts,  _"_ Oh Mina. _Taking down a stranger who stole your isntrument and taking down Reina Washio are different. It would've been easier if Reina were just some random violinist at this_ (I can't decipher this sign) _. But she's not."  
_  
I cocked my head at the sign I couldn't decipher.  
  
Chaeyoung spelled it out for me, _"random violinist at this I-N-S-T-I-T-U-T-I-O-N."_  
  
She's right.  
  
I would've not been able to pillage Reina's ass even if I had the godsend ability to take her down in one hit, like Saitama from _One Punch Man._ (Said Chaeyoung, the anime enthusiast)  
  
" _Aren't you worried about The Six getting back at you for (I can't decipher this sign) on Reina?"_ Chaeyoung glances back, worringly.  
  
_"Can you repeat that please?"  
  
"R-A-T-T-I-N-G O-U-T", _ Chaeyoung finger spelled then signed,  _"Ratting out."_  
  
I shrug, gesticulating back to the deaf girl, " _I think that I should use a different name for them, since there's five of them now and not six."  
  
"Nope. There's six", _ she shakes her head, " _Reina found another girl to take your place. Her name is Jennie Kim — the clarinet major who had just returned to Juilliard after studying abroad in_ (I couldn't keep up with her finger-spelling) _. I forgot to mention this, but she's sitting next to you in the orchestra."_

_"She studied where? Can you spell it out again?"_

_"S-P-A-I-N."_

I know who this girl is.  
  
I don't know anything about Jennie's true personality since we've never held a meaningful conversation before. However, Jennie and I have always brawled out in the final rounds of international woodwind and youth competitions, especially of those all around the continent of Europe or in the country of Japan. My dad considers Jennie as my "biggest rival" and that I should be on the lookout for her at all costs. but a critical thought about this girl had never crossed my mind. Even though she's one year older than me, I've always won gold and she'd place at either silver or bronze. Rarely, she wouldn't place at all. When NYO-USA auditions came around for vacant positions, I won principal bassoon. Jennie didn't get anything. Instead, she performed with the EUYO before the European Union decided to end funding for that orchestra, therefore liquidating the program.  
  
I guess that's why she transferred back here.  
  
" _Where does she even sit?_ "  
  
" _Next to you, where Shori used to sit._ "  
  
" _You're kidding me!_ " I almost yelled, rising abruptly from the bed and hitting my head with the top bunk. I became even dizzier after that.

"Uh... _"_ Chaeyoung chewed on her lip, seeming almost too tentative to answer back, " _You do know that he hurt me too. Polisi kicked him out from school. And he's not coming back unless he pays the other half of the money he owes me. If he doesn't pay by the end of the fall, he'll be_ (I can't decipher this sign) _._ "  
  
_"What?"  
  
"E-X-P-E-L-L-E-D."_

 _"So when will Jennie be joining me?"  
  
"Starting next Monday."_  
  
Honestly, I don't know how I feel about having Reina's new friend sitting on my right for the rest of my Juilliard Orchestra life. But then again, it's already insufferable enough that I had to deal with the principal clarinetist sitting on my right, also known as Shori Sato, Reina's bitch-ass, well-off partner. At least he'll be gone once Jennie steps in, but I'm simultaneously apprehensive about Jennie turning out to be a second Shori.  
  
Or even worse: A second Reina.  
  
" _Wanna continue the game?_ " the shorter girl cocked her head, pointing at the flat-screened television in my dorm room.  
  
There's only two options displayed on the dialogue box: "Continue" or "Quit"  
  
" _I think I'm done for today_ ", I admitted and Chaeyoung unplugged the console, drawing out her Super Smash Bros. CD from the disk receiver.  
  
I attempted to take a nap because I'm heavily exhausted from walking, just _walking_. And then I don't have the strength to get up and practice because playing an instrument uses up more muscles in my body than just carrying out simpler tasks. I lie spread-eagled and Chaeyoung lackadaisically sits on top of my legs, her fingers skittering away as she plays her Nintendo DS. Then she taps my chin to grasp my full attention.  
  
"Eh?"

"Mina", Chaeyoung motions, _"Have you ever been in a_ (I can't decipher this sign) _? Like, a serious one?"_

_"What?"_

_"R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P."_

"Oh", my voice came out hoarse.

 _"Do your parents even allow you to date?"_  
  
I tugged my hands out from under Sana's _Hello Kitty_ blanket and start gesturing, holding a solemn facial expression, " _I'm not even allowed to date after college. They'd become even more enraged if I dated someone of the same sex as me."_  
  
Chaeyoung's face fell as she considered this, " _That sucks._ "  
  
She's absolutely right. It does suck, being held captive by your parents even if you're more than halfway towards becoming the age of majority. I've earned thousands of dollars of competition prize money and I don't even get to keep half of the sum. I didn't have the option of not wanting to attend family gatherings and other social events that make me miserable and comfortless. I never even had one single feeling about love and life because I occupy myself with too much work and self-hatred. All of my years of being young have been wasted just to perfect my craft, and now all of those hard-earned years of stress and practice are going to be thrown into the trash can because I'm going to lose my hearing.  
  
I don't have that much time left.  
  
" _But I get it_ ", is what Chaeyoung interpreted next and I'm stunned that she'd say (or rather gesture) that. Then she took out her phone.

**[Son Chaeyoung] I still have to rely on my parents because Juilliard is expensive and my job alone won't help.**

  
And there are other factors to consider as well — food, clothes, transportation, school supplies. She probably uses her job money for those things.  
  
" _And hearing aids_ ", I added.  
  
" _Exactly."_  
  
I'm going to have to use the money that I earn from teaching bassoon lessons to pay for my own hearing aids.  
  
And then the room becomes inaudible. I mean, the air in this room has always been this quiet because Chaeyoung and I aren't using our own voices to talk to each other. The only tip of noise that my ears catch are the rounds of our distinct breathing. Chaeyoung's breath was more shallow and smelled of some potent peppermint gum. Mine's was a lot heavier and more erratic, and I don't know why.  
  
I've never been good at talking. When I used to hang out with The Six or let alone involve myself in any social circle, I reveled in the fact that I could just hang onto words and prick up ears, being the observant one in the group. And it's not like I'm shy or introverted, I just enjoy being the listener.  
  
Much to my expense, being the listener doesn't actually do anything if _everybody_ just becomes an audience. This has led me to think that I had to keep conversations going, no matter what. I would devise a list of questions and map a bunch of topics that I could refer to if our chat ever lulled.   
  
" _Have you ever been in a relationship?_ " I relayed the conversation back to the percussionist.  
  
" _Once. Dahyun and I_ ", she confessed, a stupid smile embracing her youthful face as she slumps her small yet athletic figure against the backframe of Sana's bed.   
  
My eyes grew back in shock, " _What happened?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung gave out a cordially laugh, " _Nothing bad! We're still friends. I needed time to **figure** out myself._ "

She sighed, signing slowly and spelling out words that I might not be able to comprehend, _"For a long time, I've always had something wrong with my ears. I—"_  
  
Seeing that I couldn't keep up with her signing, Chaeyoung took a breath before taking out her phone to text me.

**[Son Chaeyoung] I was born prematurely and me weighing less than five pounds at birth put me at a greater risk of hearing loss. I started off with no hearing in right ear, then my left. **B** ecoming deaf put a huge block on my self-esteem because I couldn't carry out tasks the same way that I used to — simple tasks just like talking on the phone, ordering your food, and more complicated things like pursuing a career that's noise-oriented and requires you to listen.**

She took a second break. 

**[Son Chaeyoung] It's different from being born deaf. You know what you're going to lose than what you're going to gain because you were born with hearing.**

Chaeyoung and I are not so different afterall. She's still contemplating about her career choice, I'm worrying about my future. I wonder what keeps her going. Is it her undying love for music, or is there another factor of this equation that I'm missing out on? I'm going to have to find out.  
  
" _What makes you stay?"_ I ask.  
  
Chaeyoung rolls the sleeves of her oversized panda fluff hoodie back to show her hands.

**[Son Chaeyoung] I love music. A lot. And though I can't listen to music the same way as I used to, I don't want to give up. My parents made a lot of sacrifices to move out to NYC from SF. They're even taking up ASL classes on weekend nights.**

" _That's amazing. You're lucky to have parents like that_ ", I implied with a hint of jealousy.   
  
The percussionist gazed at me with pensive eyes, " _I've heard about your family. I'm so sorry, Mina. I can't imagine living a life like that._ "  
  
" _It's not fun_ ", my head downcasts at my narcoleptic fingers.  
  
" _I'm going to sound like Sana here but I think it's important that you have a support system_ ", Chaeyoung emphasizes with a light smile as she signed slowly, sometimes spelling out the words that I have not learned how to sign yet,  _"Especially as musicians because we're constantly faced with_ (I can't decipher this sign)  _from our classmates, our teachers, even the regular people."_  
  
" _Faced with what?_ "  
  
_"D-I-S-A-P-P-R-O-V-A-L."_  
  
Chaeyoung took a break before continuing.  
  
_"Giving out a_ (I can't decipher this sign) _to ourselves and one another gives a positive mind—"_ _  
  
"Can you repeat that one sentence please?"_ I asked.  
  
Chaeyoung signed that same sentence yet slower, spelling out the word that I did not catch, _"C-O-M-P-L-I-M-E-N-T."_ _  
  
_ She texted the rest to give me some relief.

**[Son Chaeyoung] Giving out a compliment to ourselves and one another gives a positive mindset and builds our confidence when we perform in front of others. _We hate our own playing that we forget to see the positive points._ It's not being arrogant, it's learning to love oneself. **

Damn. That hit the spot.  
  
Chaeyoung always knows where to provoke my emotions, particularly my mushy ones. My life was a chock-full of self-loathing and fault-finding, personality traits that my parents believe to be "healthy" to my growth as a classical musician. I was either astoundingly talented or a piece of pillaging shit; there'd be no in-between. I was so driven to perfectionism to the point where I never said anything nice to myself.

" _That was beautiful, Mina-unnie._ "

" _You know Myoui, you really do perform magnificently._ "

" _You have an honest sound. Don't let people change you for who you are._ "

I really need to start praising myself.  
  
" _Mina, I know what you can do_ ", Chaeyoung picked out a pack of colored sticky-notes from her _Pokémon_ backpack and tossed it over to me, " _Each day,_ _write one fact that you love about yourself_ (She points to the sticky-note and then directs me to post it on my mirror.) _"_  
  
That's going to be so hard. Where do I even begin?  
  
"Um..."  
  
" _Anything_ ", Chaeyoung grinned, " _From your outward appearance to the way you play your bassoon."_  
  
I'll just make this super simple.  
  
I reach for a Sharpie on the lamp table next to Sana's bed and jot something down along the lines of:

**11/18/20 : I love my hair.**

Chaeyoung rapidly claps in excitement, almost as if she were a hyperactive puppy, " _Do that everyday._ "  
  
" _You know, I really do like the members of the Pops Orchestra_ ", I admit to Chaeyoung, " _They're better than any of my old friends._ "

**[Son Chaeyoung] Different from the Juilliard Orchestra, eh? Maestro Ishii is very kind and she always remembers to compliment, not like Petrenko. Jihyo was the one who came up with that (she points to the sticky notes) when Sana was struggling.**

I'm intrigued. So Sana went through this process as well.  
  
" _Can't wait for opening night_ ", Chaeyoung perked up and I felt a surge of ecstatic energy surging through my veins.  
  
I closed my eyes, " _Me too."_

* * *

**The Sixty-Seventh Measure**

Thursday: November 19, 2020

**11/19/20 : I have really cute feet.**

_That was a lot easier than I thought._  
  
Before heading out, I write this on a blue sticky note and pin it to my mirror. Then I slip on my socks and my favorite pair of designer boots.   
  
Sana, Chaeyoung, and I made our way to the concert hall, invited by the outrageous sound of scales and arpeggios. The Metropolitan Opera House auditorium is fan-shaped and contains 3,800 seats and 195 standing room places, totaling up to an audience of 3,995 people in total. A golden proscenium arch complimented the high ceiling with custom-woven damasks acting as the stage's main curtains.   
  
More than half the Pops Orchestra members were already present on stage, tuning their instruments or going over their music scores. We headed quietly to their seats to avoid disruption of any other musicians. Unlike the past few rehearsal sessions, concertmaster Jackson Wang imposed a calmer demeanor, sophisticatedly taking out his Guarneri violin and tuning its strings. He didn't make contact with anyone in his section, not even assistant concertmistress and girlfriend Eunha, as the seat partner was too busy in her own world. From the corner of my eye, Park Jihyo stood up from her principal violist seat and headed up to the conductor's podium to make one last speech before tonight’s performance.  
  
"Hello everyone", She greeted, tugging the edges of her long, concert black dress so that she doesn't trip on the hem of her skirt with her high heels, "This is your vice president, Park Jihyo. Congratulations, to all of you. Throughout our arduous rehearsal sessions that sometimes drive us past midnight, I’d like to commemorate all of you for making it this far. I’m positive that we're going to put on a spectacular performance tonight.”  
  
"Heh? That's it?" Jeongyeon teased, stopping the tenacious violist's trite talk, "You sound like President Polisi at our opening ceremony."  
  
That statement emitted by the timpanist earned her a chorus of giggles all around the Pops Orchestra members.  
  
"I love it when those two bicker. Like mom and dad", Nayeon whispers over to me. I just nod and wait for something interesting to happen.  
  
"Do you want to give the speech, then?" Jihyo retorted.  
  
"Ahem! Listen up everyone! I have prepared a speech that will knock your socks off!" Jeongyeon cleared her throat, standing on top of her chair with an astounding aura of confidence before whipping out her phone and reading from it, "Do you like to play with your instruments? I like to play with my timpani. I'm not very good at it, but it's the fun of doing it that's important. Now, I wouldn't have made it this far in my career if I'd just thought about it. No matter how anybody says it is, it feels good to have made something. The best thing is that each person's path would be different. In a way, you've already won in this world. Because you're the only one that can be you, and that's the way that it's supposed to b—"  
  
"Did you plagiarize this speech off of _Tumblr_?" Tzuyu snorts and everyone started to laugh once again. My palm landed on my face.  
  
_Dammit, Jeongyeon. That's Mr. Rogers._  
  
"You've all been a wonderful audience!" Jeongyeon evaded and maintained her composure, "Thank you ladies and gentlemen and bassoon-chan!"  
  
"Don't single me out!" I cried.   
  
We ended the humorous pep talk there and did one more dress rehearsal with the Tokyo National Children's Chorus and the Professional Japanese Choral Association. But at least Jihyo and Jeongyeon were meaningful in their words. Both girls have good intentions, nonetheless.  
  
"Can I make a speech this time?" Dahyun declares after the dress rehearsal, twirling her bow in the air.  
  
"Nobody cares about your dank memes, Kim Dahyun", Bambam, another percussionist in the Pops Orchestra who would be in charge of the bass drum tonight, titillates the young girl who had rose from her stool and nearly knocked down her double bass.   
  
The double bassist glared at Bambam, "I'm not _dank memeing_ today."  
  
"Alright, dubu. Go ahead", Maestro Ishii grants before Dahyun kicked her off the podium.  
  
The smaller girl rubs her hands together, eyeing each and every single musician onstage for the duration of her speech, actively listening, "I'm normally never serious. Heck, when am I ever serious? My girlfriend, Tzuyu a.k.a Chewy, would know from our childhood experiences. In kindergarten, I used permanent markers to draw on Tzuyu's face during naptime. In first grade, she was drawing Pororo with a piece of blue chalk when I decided to barge in and give the poor penguin a green mustache. In second grade, I stole her tuna sandwich when she had nothing—"  
  
"Where is this speech even going?" Tzuyu interrupts, slightly embarrassed at Dahyun's anecdote.  
  
"AHEM!" Dahyun coughs loudly, undermining the cellist for rupturing her heartwarming flow, "The point that I'm trying to make is that even though our failures are our polar-opposite personalities and the arguments that we've endured in our fifteen-year friendship, we're still together and I consider our current relationship a success. The Pops Orchestra, let alone any orchestra, cannot reach towards prosperity without our shortcomings. So even if we don't give our best performance tonight, let our stage be a reminder of the resilience and hard work that we put forth into achieving success and never forget the raging flame that burns within you."  
  
Tzuyu had to smile at this.  
  
After taking a glimpse at her taller girlfriend, Dahyun restrained a laugh and continued her speech, "Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling mentioned that two conditions form success — failure and creativity. Creativity is lined with individuality. When you play your instrument, don't just play for the critics listening for every mishap. You play for _you_. And when you portray _your_ love of music to the audience, they will feel the love with you, no matter what degree of skill level you're on. The most powerful thing about music is knowing that some kid in that audience could be inspired by  _your_ music. You could save somebody's life with _your_ music. So when you go out there and play, be true to yourself, be kind to yourself, and know that you're so fucking awesome."

* * *

We finished [The Sorcerer's Apprentice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4yH4B9deok) and intermission is about to end.  
  
The scene before showtime is always the part that allures me — the red velvet curtains are still down, the lights are dimmed, and in the complete silence, everybody is just waiting for their turn to play. I look across my section and all of the members are attentive, especially a nerve-wracking SinB, who looks as if her heart was about to jump out of her chest at any given minute. 

" _Mina, you've made a lot of sacrifices for me. Giving up your personal time and helping me improve my own playing."  
  
"I can't help but feel even more grateful for what you've done for me. You really are kinder than most people think you are."  
  
"I'm going to work super duper hard on my own while you recover. It's my gift to you." _

She has improved so much and I couldn't be anymore happier at how far she has gone even though we started more than a month ago. As her instructor, I feel accomplished that I could motivate her to work this hard. I just hope that she still has enough stamina to survive the second half.  
  
I'm a little wary about the next half of our performance. Not just about SinB, but also Yerin. Yerin was supposed to be my subsitute for the duration that I'd be trapped in the ICU. I don't know too much about this girl except for the fact that she's always out of reeds at Pops Orchestra rehearsals. Luckily, she didn't ask for any of my reeds today yet I can't help but feel stressed about her reed crippling in the middle of our performance.  
  
"Mina", Yerin cut off my thought process, trying to keep a low voice as not to break through the quietness.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I just wanted to thank you for helping my best friend, SinB", she employs a graceful smile, "She just needed a break from dancing and your music really uplifted her. SinB loves to dance, but she's been depressed lately because her trainers are pressuring her to lose weight, and the other dance majors have been making fun of her because her weight had remained static since her first year here. Ms. Chan told me that she's been diagnosed with anorexia and major depressive disorder."  
  
"Anorexia? Depression?" I gasped. I had no idea that SinB was going through this.  
  
She doesn't even look fat.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Mina. She's recovering", Yerin assures.  
  
I exhaled, "Oh, thank goodness."  
  
She continues, "But I just wanted to let you know how much of a big influence you are on SinB's life. We watched your Grammy Award-winning performance at the BBC Proms when you were nineteen years-old. That Weber concerto, and Seo Joohyun's _Le Cygne Noir —_  SinB and I were enamored by your music. She felt more inclined to pursue her dream of dancing even further, and if it wasn't for your inspiration, she would've—"  
  
Yerin paused and I could feel a teardrop threatening to escape my eye.  
  
"She would've killed herself", those words finally leave Yerin's mouth.   

 _"_ _You could save somebody's life with _**your**_  music."_

"Mina, you saved my friend's life", Yerin smiled.   
  
All eyes fell on me as soon as Yerin made that proclaimation. I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn't help it as my eyes were stinging. Her words so affectional, so moving that it touched my heart. What even is the proper reaction to someone telling you that you've saved a life? I've been showered with a lot of compliments from rave reviews and some of my peers, but to be personally notified about making a difference in one of your audience member's whole perception of living is just unbelievable. I wanted to hug this girl so badly.  
  
_No, no, no. I can't cry now. I have to focus. FOCUS!_  
  
"Mina?" Nayeon pokes her head into my peripheral, "Are you crying?"  
  
"Huh? No, I'm n—"  
  
The stage curtains fly away and I open my eyes to see over three-thousand people giving a big hand, especially the children. Lee Chaeyeon and Lee Chaeryeong were sitting in the front row with the rest of their schoolmates as all of their eyes home in on me. I hastily wiped away the residue of my tears and prepared my embouchure. Nayeon was trying to hold back her laughter at the sight of me nearly welling up in tears.  
  
Maestro Ishii shook hands with concertmaster Jackson Wang, flipped open to the first page of the full orchestral score, raised her baton...  
  
And we began.  
  
[My Neighbor Totoro (With Chorus)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0TQ167TuHY) **or** [My Neighbor Totoro (No Chorus)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H2gH1U5Svw)  
  
Starting back to our positions, the Pops Orchestra members immediately put on a vigilant face for this dynamic performance of _My Neighbor Totoro_. Right at the introduction, there is an instrumental piano part, building up power with the string section afterwards.  
  
We arrive at _Sanpo_ (Stroll) and each section has a chance to showcase their playing, sort of like an art exhibition.  
  
The flutes and the solo piccolo are the first ones to start off with playful and giddy tones. Then the oboists came in with their nasal, merry song. Bambam is playing the snare drum, emulating the steps that Satsuki and Mei would take when they explore their new house.  
  
The clarinets came next. Nayeon executed the opening run perfectly in one breath, her agile fingers expertly flying over the sticky release of her clarinet's keys. Her tone was warm and lighthearted, lifting the mood of the ensemble. Her section was playing at a momentum faster than the speed of light and I felt that they advanced through the song with an impulse. They ended their little excerpt and Nayeon winked at me.  
  
My turn.  
  
I sucked in a deep breath and prepared to play my part with the rest of the bassoons. I found it a bit weird to have five baritone and bass-voiced instruments playing synchronously, but the end result was stirring. Me, Yerin, Junior, SinB, and Mark sounded like five vocalist in utter harmony.  
  
I'm elated. My section played extremely well. Even SinB managed not to hitch a breath.   
  
After all of the woodwinds weaved their convoluted sounds together, the brass came next. The horns came in like a pack of water buffaloes — strong, impeding, cocky. Sana Minatozaki has this big, bright glow on her face. The song's festive melodies are wrought with intense emotion. The horns gradually becomes louder and stronger as they climb every ascending note onto beauteous flights. With every breath taken, Sana's instrument shouts out every note not only with flawless technique, yet with stirring and expressive emotion. The spunky and brazen trumpets follow, then the audacious and rip-roaring trombones, and lastly the overpowering, groundbreaking tuba.  
  
The brass nearly reach the the grandiloquent bridge of this exuberant yet touching song with the orchestra's soaring strings taking flight.   
  
The second violins followed as soon as the first violins signaled their grandiose entry. Concertmaster Jackson gave a knowing look to Principal Second Violinist Momo Hirai. Jackson and Eunha take the lead as the first violinists move their fingers precisely over the neckboard of their instruments, notes unflawed. Momo tucked her violin under her chin as she begins to imitate the same melody that Jackson had just played, except in a more spirited, emotive manner as opposed to the exquisite first violins. Her violin's voice was soaring, reaching into the celestial ceiling and to the broad audience as she smiles to herself, confidently. The whole view of their underlying teamwork was charming.   
  
The ecstatic, upbeat vibe slowly dies down, bringing back the spontaneous, passionate orchestra. The lower-pitched violas have their turn to shine. Each expertise violist sings the first few lines here with the gentle, ethereal voices from the Japanese chorus. Principal Violist Jihyo's joyous, jagged sound climb across the increasingly large landscape finding inner peace with the choir and audience members alike.   
  
The cello and double bass sections come afterwards, the orchestra becoming stronger and their deep, compelling voices growing into eternity. Tzuyu and Dahyun gaze fiercely into each other's eyes at their parts, drawing their bows across their signature instruments like some unseen magnetic force was imposing them to do so, their fingers were suddenly lingering on the terrain of their fingerboards as if it were a slow waltz. As the strings continue to ramble, the percussion section gradually build up the tone of their voices.   
  
The booming and exciting timpani initiated by Jeongyeon and the impelling percussionists advance into an exhilarating, sententious section. Chaeyoung's marimba and Eric Nam's xylophone comes off simple, yet clean like an intricate piano melody. Each ascending and descending note represents the path that the _Susuwatari_ (sootballs) and rabbit-like creatures make to lead Satsuki and Mei to Totoro. Jeongyeon imitates the fortitude and greatness of Totoro himself with her robust timpani strikes. The little kids from the Special School of Music raved over the percussion parts the most, for their unique tone colors and catchy choruses accompanying them.   
  
The voices expending from the two Japanese choruses are smooth and clear, sometimes quiet yet powerful. The younger children in the choir fidgeted and whispered throughout the program. The littler ones played with their smocks and shouted out in song instead of singing. But nonetheless, their voices were almost like angels' with high notes soaring over the clouds, limber notes dancing on the staves. The adults on the other hand, had voices as sweet and mellifluous as the autumn heat, echoing from the stands to the rear ends of the concert hall, reaching out. They reminded the older audience members of the innocence of youth, comforting their spirits, awakening sweet memories of their childhood.   
  
The Juilliard Pops Orchestra members and the Japanese Choral Association come together to produce glorious strains of music for the masses; the soaring yet tender strings, the luxuriant yet soothing winds, the strong and robust brass, and the playful and substantial percussion. Every sound and tone color mingled together beautifully, like doves bathing in a sumptuous scene of rose petals with the radiant sun shining down on us.   
  
I marvel at the faces scattered around the concert hall. Everyone was awake and listening attentively to our music. The younger kids bopped their heads with the beat, their parents suffused with blithe. Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong seemed like they were humming a few of their favorite lines.  
  
And then my eyes fall towards this girl, who looked about the same age as the Lee sisters, fully fixated on the musicians with droplets of water brimming her eyes. Dahyun talked about being an inspirational figure to the masses with your own playing, and this is exactly what she meant. The girl was impassioned. She probably had the urge to pick up an instrument as soon as the orchestra reached its symphonic climax.  
  
I hold my breath behind pursed lips to steel myself against the gales of tears to come. The girl's face reminded me of the time I became so moved my middle school band teacher's bassoon playing. I knew from the first note that I was going to play this instrument.   
  
I don't ever regret making that decision.  
  
I love the bassoon.  
  
It's astonishing how music can change you and others around you. Often times, I forget to focus on what _I_ want to play and I end up hating myself at the outturn of a technical etude or concerto. Often times, I looked at the classical music industry as a strange community with a bunch of kids beating the crap out of each other to become the cream of the crop. Often times, I only focused on the negative reviews and disregard those who genuinely love my music. When Yerin expressed to me that I saved SinB's life, I felt that I had a purpose: My purpose was never to please people and hit every single note at the exact time and with the exact intonation; my purpose to uplift others and myself, use music as a saving grace.  
  
I think there’s something to be said about searching for things in your life that you can invest time and energy into because it’s gratifying.  
  
At last, the orchestra finally transitions to the main theme. It was amazing to witness the love and passion that every single Japanese Chorus member Pops Orchestra member puts into their playing. We were like a hundred different soloists combining to form a homogenous sound. This development renders me emotional, to the point where I couldn't even play my bassoon properly.  
  
The Juilliard Pops Orchestra members were exceptionally reveled in the artistry of their fervid, mutual music. Sharing elated smiles with each other, each section was especially enjoying the bright and cheery piece as they played the festive opening on their triumphant instruments, strong with the brilliant register of percussionists, trumpets, horns, trombones, and tubas that were bringing a heroic, blazingly intense fanfare. The woodwinds ensued with a graceful passage, featuring a pair of duets, first between the clarinet and bassoon, then the flute and oboe with occasional subtle underpinnings from the horn. The violins, violas, cellos, and double basses makes a substantial comeback with their effulgent strings creating a lyrical, idealistic theme to the adventurous score. Then came the big finale, marked as _tutti_ , meaning "all together".  
  
There was a tremendous response from the audience; an exploding of applause and standing ovations of approval for the youthful musicians. Maestro Ishii signaled for us to stand up and give our bow. Two rows back, the percussionists were grouped up into a large hug with little Chaeyoung in the center. Nayeon looked at me and gave me a "thumbs-up". Yerin was laughing in disbelief at the idea of performing in front of over three-thousand people. SinB was sobbing into a hankerchief for giving out possibly the best performance of her life. I let out a shuddering breath as I took a moment to comprehend what had just gone on. Everyone is celebrating as if their favorite team had just won the Super Bowl.  
  
For the first time in forever, I don't feel as nervous when I perform in an ensemble.   
  
Playing with the Pops Orchestra was one of the most fulfilling experiences that I've ever had.

* * *

**BONUS (The Black Swan)**  
  
Little did Mina know that Yerin and SinB were more than just "best friends."  
  
They were girlfriends, since SinB was a high school freshman and Yerin was a high school junior.  The two girls met in their high school's symphonic band in the libertarian South Carolina city of Charleston. Yerin had been playing the bassoon for six years while SinB had only switched from clarinet to bassoon in her last year of middle school. She only played the bassoon because her dad also plays it, and she wanted to take up another hobby other than dance. SinB didn't like her instrument at first, but then she met Yerin and it became love at first sight.  
  
Yerin was adorable and carefree, and didn't give a damn about what other kids would say about her. SinB digged that.  
  
The two girls were the only bassoonists in their entire school district and destiny somehow set them in the same ensemble. Bassoon sectionals turned into love-making sessions. Post-concert nights became their date nights and spontaneous sleepovers at SinB's manor. Life had been nothing but a bed of roses for Yerin and SinB until something tragic happened.  
  
SinB stopped eating.  
  
The dark side of the dance industry crept in like a spider underneath a bed. SinB felt fat and gross during the off-season and it didn't help that her ballet teacher would berate her for gaining weight. In addition, her peers were making fun of her for dating Yerin, who is the same sex as her. South Carolina isn't the most forgiving state for LGBTQ+ people. She had been called many names, including _pudgy, whalelike, psycho, dyke, and a fagott._  
  
Although the Yerin was lucky enough to turn in her younger friend to the hospital, early enough in time for the doctors to treat it before things could've gotten worse, the doctors told SinB that she should schedule an appointment with a psychologist. This sort of news disheartened the aspiring dancer because she feared that everyone would view her as a lunatic. Mental health awareness isn't prevalent in their school and people who were diagnosed with such illnesses were looked down upon.    
  
When marching season came around, SinB had to resign because she was occupied with her competitive dance team events. When the concert season came around, the band instructor dismissed SinB from her musical activities and put her on the indoor color guard team instead. It had now become fate that SinB and Yerin were set in the same school, separated at all costs. SinB's private lesson hours were replaced with visits to her local psychologist.   
  
But she still became a dance major at Juilliard? Why? Because dance was the only _other_ thing she was passionate about after music. Concurrently with private clarinet and bassoon lessons, SinB's parents had also signed their daughter up for ballet and modern dance classes since she was two.  
  
Not only that, but she needed to be with Yerin.  
  
August 23, 2019 — One Year Ago  
  
The resounding bell of Big Ben rings to commence the inauguration of tonight’s impelling concert. A line of paparazzi was held back against a linked velvet line as visitors walked across the red carpet to the entrance of the Royal Albert Hall. Waiting in the grand, ornate backstage area of the decorated concert hall, Mina was standing at the sidelines as the cheers from the audience grew louder and louder. The members of the London Symphony Orchestra made their entrance, and then their former artistic director and principal conductor, Valery Gergiev. Mina would have to walk up to the center stage next — only her and her seventy-five thousand dollar Heckel 41i.  
  
Meanwhile, in the balcony area, Yerin and SinB are sweating their butts in their seats. The concert was running slightly behind schedule.  
  
"Why are we watching a classical music concert?" the younger girl murmurs scathingly underneath her breath.  
  
Yerin puts on her 'go-to' happy face, "Because I want to!"  
  
"You didn't have to bring me along", SinB snits, "I mean, we see Mina _every day_. She goes to school with us."  
  
"We're on a date, remember?" she made clear, "And besides, I've never heard Mina play before so I'm stoked."  
  
Yerin knew. She just didn't tell her. SinB didn't want to be reminded of what she had to give up to keep herself "healthy", or so her damn peers and teachers said. On the inside, SinB still had a little spark of love for music and even though here was no chance of her pursuing a career in music, Yerin knows that SinB needs a temporary escape from dance in order for SinB to get back on track and become inspired again. Yerin wanted to ignite that flame. Again, Yerin knew. None of the dance majors talk to SinB. The psychologists tell the young girl not to lose too much weight but dance majors are required to take a course designed for weight loss, because experts say that if you're going to become a professional dancer in New York City, you **cannot** be fat. Yerin thought this was absurd. Nothing is helping SinB regain her self-esteem. If anything, she's losing it.  
  
"And what if Mina doesn't show up?" SinB ogles at her fidgety partner, using a macabre tone of voice.  
  
"She has to!" Yerin jumped out of her seat, flashing the program in front of SinB's face, "Her name is in the program!"  
  
"Of course Mina is going to perform today", an older British guy sitting in the row in front of them says, gawking at the two girls like the newbie 'prommers' they are. This gentleman is a noticeably huge classical music fan and he could write a guide about how to 'Prom like a pro'.   
  
At this point in time, Yerin was going into her third year at Juilliard as a bassoon major and SinB was going into her first year at Juilliard as a dance major. Yerin's parents, who were flight attendants for British airways, snagged round-trip tickets for the two girl's four-year anniversary as girlfriend to girlfriend. They would be spending about a week in the city of London before returning to New York City for the beginning of a new school year.  
  
And they picked the perfect time to go on vacation.  
  
It was the midst of The Proms concert season. The BBC Proms is the world's biggest and longest-running music festival, spanning eight weeks of daily orchestral concerts in various concert halls around London, but most prominently, the Royal Albert Hall. Every year, the Proms committee invites the world’s greatest orchestras and classical performers to come to London, showcasing their prodigious skills in front of hundreds of thousands of live spectators and millions of online/television viewers. If Yerin did her calculations correctly, Mina would be performing on the 49th concert night. Yerin prayed, waiting anxiously for that red-haired girl to make her entrance on stage. She didn't buy scalped tickets for no reason.  
  
And luckily, the gods chose not prove her wrong. A couple of seconds later, the young bassoonist shows up draped in a magnificent strapless black gown fashioned from fine Italian silks and French Chantilly, the sweetheart bodice made up of Alencon lace and the dress blazing with twinkling diamonds streaming down from the top down her thin waistline. Mina's glassy, wine-colored hair was also drawn up to a classy updo and accented with a crystal hair ornament. Yerin's eyes then dart at the bassoon being held in Mina's hands, _A German brand. Of course._ Yerin is just bewildered at how delicately Mina maneuvers the tall instrument, from the positioning of her fingers to the placing of the double reed in between her cushy lips.  
  
_She looks like a fucking princess_ , Yerin thinks and then she whips a quick glance at SinB, who looks as if she had accidentally met an angel.  
  
Weber's[ Bassoon Concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndSWuAwpKGg) was cleanly executed, as expected. Weber wrote this concerto with an intention to illustrate all of the bassoon's variant characters — The first theme is brash and exultant (aided by the dotted rhythm). The second theme, marked _dolce_ , is meditative and placid. Volatile mood shifts spread through with markings of _brillante_ , _dolce_ , _con fuoco_ , _dolce_ again, and a _brillante_ for the sensational finish. With perfect embouchure, flawless air control, impeccable articulations, nimble fingers, exemplary tonguing, and careful attention to the dynamics, there was no bassoonist in the world who could match up to the caliber of Mina's at her prime age.  
  
_And to think, she's only nineteen years old. She's a year younger than me and I'm nowhere near her level._  Yerin thinks again. SinB is just floored at the amount of virtuosity this young soloist possesses. And after all of those glitzy arpeggios, scales, and trills, then Mina purses her lips and tightens her diaphragm to ascend to a dramatic high note — a high D (D5). The two girls are enraptured.   
  
"That was just thrilling", SinB sighs over to Yerin in between intermission. The older girl sees her reaction as a sign of success.  
  
"Mina's amazing, huh?" Yerin gobs down a chocolate bar to ease her empty stomach, "I couldn't play like that when I was nineteen."  
  
"I'm so emotionally wasted right now", her friend's voice comes out woozy, "I don't even think that I'm mentally prepared for the second half."  
  
"Speaking of the second half..." Yerin's eyes scroll through the program again, "This is a new piece that's never been performed before. And it's composed by Seo Joohyun, that pianist and composition major who just graduated from Juilliard last year. What a small world that we live in."  
  
"Oh, great!" SinB exclaims, "Now I'm _seriously_ mentally unprepared for that second half!"  
  
Indeed, everybody was unprepared.  
  
_Le Cygne Noir_ for solo bassoon and orchestra was the title of the next piece. It translates to "The Black Swan" in English. Doubling in piano studies and music composition, Juilliard music school graduate Seo Joohyun had designed this work in her fourth year at the coveted institution. The advisors in her division described _Le Cygne Noir_ as heart-stopping, spine-tingling, melodramatic — it stole their breaths away like it did to Mina.  
  
You've probably listened to the main theme of _[Swan Lake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cNQFB0TDfY) _ and learned that the theme of the White Swan or _Odette_ is set by an oboe — a double reed instrument with capabilities of playing in the upper register, like white angels climbing up echelons towards heaven. Now, if you're familiar with the _Swan Lake_ storyline, you'll know that the Black Swan, _Odile_ , is a witch and the daughter of central antagonist _Von Rothbart_. The Black Swan is cunning and is always willing to follow her father's orders, no matter how trivial or disparaging they may be.  
  
When Seo Joohyun was in the process of writing  _Le Cygne Noir_ , she did it with the intention of writing from the Black Swan's point of view. Joohyun imagined a scenario wherein the Black Swan became a pawn to her commanding father and in the end, drove the Black Swan into a mental breakdown. Mina fell in love with this piece as soon as Joohyun played a demo version on the piano. She found it somewhat relatable.  
  
And what would be a better idea than to assign the harrowing role to none other than the bassoon? Also a double-reeded instrument, the bassoon is contradictory to the oboe in the sense that it provides a much deeper, dismal tone color as opposed to the oboe's lighter, lofty register.   
  
Ironically, Mina would be the first one to perform _Le Cygne Noir_. Her bassoon would be posing the role of the theatrical Black Swan.   
  
The young soloist presented the first theme — a downward arpeggio, scalar ascent, and a descending sequence to represent the Black Swan's rise and downfall. She tries to spread her wings and fly, only to be beaten down again and again by her father. It's only been a few seconds into this poignant piece and both girls had already found themselves flooded in tears. What must've been Mina's thought process while performing this section?  
  
At a five-minute mark, Mina already raised the bar for aspiring bassoonists waiting to compete with her. With proficient air support and skillfull fingers prancing throughout the bassoon's sleek keys, Mina left no room for error as she glided through tough passages, quickly alternating between the bassoon's lowest and highest registers with a trained tongue and rich, clarion-clear sound. Mina looked even more beautiful when she played with her eyes closed, basking under the warm spotlight as her dusky, low notes fill each and every crevice of the Royal Albert Hall.   
  
The elegant bassoonist opens up the second theme — a section marked _cantando_  and arguably one of the most beautiful and haunting solo bassoon melodies that Yerin and SinB have ever heard. Her bassoon rolled over the surface of the Royal Albert Hall in sorrowful waves. Swells of power rose up in Mina's throat. Nobody could even tell if the sound emitted her bassoon or from a operatic voice. That's how one could tell how marvelously Mina executed this section. Her bassoon sounded like it was singing of rage, of pain.  
  
The Black Swan couldn't fly anymore; her wings have been slashed off by her father.  
  
Mina briefly opened her eyes to catch a glimpse of the audience's facial expressions. Her tone was so dark and sinister that the spectators cried at her sad, reflective melodies. Both girls wwere biting off the nails of their thumbs in all anxiousness, trying not to look like a pair bumbling messes in front of other spectators.  
  
And yet, SinB could relate to this piece as well. When she was told that she couldn't pursue a career in music anymore, she felt as if she had spiraled downward from the sky and crashed onto the pavement. She too, had been robbed of her ailerons.  
  
The final movement is where all hell breaks loose. The same arpeggio from the beginning is being played — _fortissimo_ to _diminuendo_ , then  _tremolo_ to _forte_. Sheer anxiety began to build up as Mina rushed through the swan-inspired rondo theme with double stops from the string section.  Upon the arrival of the second theme, the strings play grave, weighty figures from the rondo theme while the soloist emits a long trill. Mina's rushed trills and arpeggios continue, as do the tentative rondo theme entrances from the strings and syncopations from the wind sections. Seo Joohyun interpreted this movement as the scene where the Black Swan's psychological breakdown starts to kick in.   
  
SinB could so relate to this.  
  
Yerin and SinB's seat wasn't too far from the stage where Mina is standing radiantly. In fact, when the piece indicates a rest, SinB is even more in shock when her restless gaze meets with the soloist's ravishing eyes. She critically felt that her heart was going to jump out of her chest the longer Mina deeply stared at her. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She's so fucking hot. She makes the bassoon look even more attractive._  
  
Mina diverts her gaze back to her reed and she continues playing. SinB sits up in her seat, engrossed in every notion of Mina's transcendental song, her ears luxuriating in every single note being sung from her bassoon as she extends into a powerful, heartbreaking high note (E5) that sums up the agony of the Black Swan's wings being cut off. Reverberations leak into the far reaches of the long concert hall and it makes the two girls feel incredibly weak. Maestro Gergiev calls the orchestra to a halt and there is this long pause. People use this time to wipe away any stray tears.  
  
This sudden stop is actually intentional. It represents the Black Swan looking back at her happier memories before ultimately withering away.  
  
Mina's pensive eyes cast down to the floor as she prepares for the final note — a low B-flat, held for forty seconds long. She inhales a deep breath, brings the reed up to her trembling lips, and plays the note with a shivering vibrato, resounding like a beacon in the blackening fog. This would represent the last breath that the Black Swan takes before she dies in grief. Forty seconds felt like an eternity for Yerin and SinB. The latter girl is all out of tissues to wipe her eyes with so she resorts to the sleeve of her white sweater. _Le Cygne Noir_ is sad, so sad.  
  
The long note gets quieter and quieter and the next thing Mina knew, all of the wind had left her lungs in a violent shudder.  
  
An absence of sound ensued after Mina ended her performance. One could literally hear the sound of the exasperated bassoonist gasping for air. But once the silence ended, the audience stood up for an exploding round of applause as Mina shakes her head with a meek smile on her pale face. The girl winded up being on the front cover of classical music magazines and newspapers. She and Seo Joohyun had also received praise from several famous critics, including those from the _Gramophone,_   _Classic FM, BBC Music Magazine,_  and The New York Times. Months later, soloist Mina Myoui and LSO director and conductor Valery Gergiev would receive a Grammy Award for Best Classical Instrumental Solo.  
  
"So, what did you think?" Yerin asks her girlfriend as they were granted a view of London in front of their eyes. Both girls and a couple of others were the last passengers on the London Eye, a few days after the concert had ended. It was what SinB wanted to do the whole time they were on a date.  
  
"You know..." SinB begins, "I really want to play like that. Even though it's a sad piece, I found it inspiriting for me. I want to become great too."  
  
"It's never too late", Yerin smirks. But on the inside, she's proud that her partner is not thinking about some other thoughts.  
  
SinB stares confoundedly at her partner, "What's not too late?"  
  
"You know exactly what I mean", she chuckled, pinching her cheek, "Go pick up your damn bassoon again and start taking lessons from Mina. Everyone needs a break from something. Too much dance can turn into more of a job than a passion, so you need a brief getaway."  
  
"Take lessons from Mi—" SinB scoffs, "Please. I don't feel worthy of being in her presence."  
  
"Life is too short to be thinking about whether or not you'll be accepted by Mina", Yerin stresses, gawking at her naïve friend, "So why don't you just do what you enjoy while you've still got time? You can still do other things that you love, such as music, and not let go of your dream of wanting to dance."  
  
The younger girl contemplates, fidgeting with her left foot. _It's only so long until Mina graduates from Juilliard, beginning to move on with her life and becomes a successful musician. I should ask her while I still have the opportunity to get close with her._  
  
"You know what? I'll do it", she confirms.  
  
Yerin spaces out, "Do what?"  
  
"I'm going to ask Mina next time I run into her."  
  
"YAY! MY BASSOON BUDDY IS BACK!" Yerin screams and scares the other passengers in their car. Then she gives her girlfriend a warm hug with her stuffy jacket.  
  
"Ew! You're all sweaty and gross!" SinB teases, pushing Yerin away from her.  
  
"I think for starters, though. You should join the Juilliard Pops Orchestra with me", Yerin suggests, pulling her friend in her embrace again, "Jihyo said that we're extremely low on bassoonists and there's no audition needed to become a member. All experience levels are accepted. You don't even have to be a music major to join. We even have students from the drama and dance departments who are a part of our ensemble."  
  
"Shit, seriously?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
She puts a finger to her chin, "Well... it's a start."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Words that are spelled out letter-by letter using sign language will mostly be bolded rather than using this 'f-o-r-m-a-t' to prevent confusion and reading troubles.
> 
> Nearly 10k words? My longest chapter by far! I wish Le Cygne Noir (The Black Swan) was a real piece. That scene was brought up from a dream I had not too long ago about Mina playing in a shimmering black gown. Also, Seo Joohyun is Seohyun of SNSD ^_^
> 
> Did you like the Pops Orchestra's performance? Mina's performance in the bonus?
> 
> Let me know about your thoughts in the comment section below...
> 
> \---
> 
> brillante - Brilliantly, with sparkle  
> dolce - Sweetly  
> con fuoco - Fire; con fuoco: with fire, in a fiery manner  
> trill - The trill (or shake, as it was known from the 16th until the 19th century) is a musical ornament consisting of a rapid alternation between two adjacent notes, usually a semitone or tone apart, which can be identified with the context of the trill.  
> register - In music, a register is the relative "height" or range of a note, set of pitches or pitch classes, melody, part, instrument, or group of instruments. (ex. A higher register indicates higher pitch.)  
> cantando - In a singing style. In instrumental music, a style of playing that imitates the way the human voice might express the music, with a measured tempo and flexible, legato.  
> diminuendo - Dwindling (i.e. with gradually decreasing volume)  
> fortissimo - Very loud  
> tremolo - A trembling effect  
> vibrato - Vibrating (i.e. a more or less rapidly repeated slight variation in the pitch of a note, used as a means of expression). Often confused with tremolo, which refers either to a similar variation in the volume of a note, or to rapid repetition of a single note.  
> rondo - A musical form in which a certain section returns repeatedly, interspersed with other sections  
> Double stop - In music, a double stop refers to the technique of playing two notes simultaneously on a bowed stringed instrument such as a violin, a viola, a cello, or a double bass. In performing a double stop, two separate strings are bowed or plucked simultaneously.  
> Syncopation - a temporary displacement of the regular metrical accent in music caused typically by stressing the weak beat.


	15. cambiare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_cambiare_  
Origin: Italian/Latin  
To change

  
** **

**The Sixty-Ninth Measure**

Monday: November 23, 2020  
  
Today is my first Juilliard Orhcestra rehearsal since I've been discharged from the hospital.  
  
The musicians are abuzz as Sana and I shuffle into our seats and Chaeyoung makes her way to the uppermost level on the Alice Tully Hall stage. right behind the brass section. Chaeyoung was right. There was an empty seat next to me, which would soon be occupied by Jennie Kim.  
  
"Ahem! I have an announcement", Maestro Gilbert clears his throat, "Thanks to the success of our precedent concerts, our orchestra has been invited by the Musikfest committee to perform at the eminent _Le Festival de musique d'hiver de Paris_ or in English, The Parisian Winter Music Festival. We will be standing on the same stage as celebrated orchestras including but not limited to the Bavarian Radio Symphony Orchestra under Daniel Harding, the Munich Philharmonic with Valery Gergiev, the Vienna Philharmonic with Gustavo Dudamel, the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra with Michael Tilson Thomas, the London Symphony Orchestra with Simon Rattle, the Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra with Daniele Gatti, the Boston Pops Orchestra with Keith Lockhart, the New York Philharmonic with Alan Gilbert, and the Berlin Philharmonic with Kirill Petrenko."  
  
"The concert will take place during our winter break", Kai adds, "Which means that we will be departing for Paris at 11 a.m. on December 21. Please prepare the necessary items and documents needed for travel, as the Juilliard Orchestra cannot be fully responsible for transportation."  
  
Maestro Gilbert continued, "Unfortunately for most of you, you will be missing Christmas and New Years for this event. Decide immediately if you would rather take the opportunity to go to France and perform or if you'd rather stay home and spend time with your family."  
  
The young musicians in the room sulked, disappointed at the dilemma that this festival has caused for them. Not being able to spend Christmas and New Years with your family is a valid reason to be discontented at. Chaeyoung exhaled silently, looking down in adversity. For me, I'm actually relieved about missing those holidays. I don't have to see my relatives, which means that I don't have to deal with my swollen-headed cousins.   
  
"Man", Mingyu let out a pout that was enough to make Jun slap him upside the head, "I'm not going to see my family for two weeks. At least for you, Mina, you get to see your parents since they're members of the New York Philharmonic."  
  
"Dammit", I cursed softly.  
  
"So, what are we playing?" Reina asks impatiently.  
  
"I was just getting to that", Kai mutters with a tinge of irritation, "Two pieces this time. Ravel's _Piano Concerto in G_ with a guest pianist and Sibelius's _Fifth Symphony_. Our featured soloist for the piano concerto will be a Juilliard alumni who graduated not too long ago."  
  
Sibelius Five — another beautiful, tear-jerking symphony with a horn-heavy finale. And Ravel — an exquisite, magical piano concerto.  
  
"Guest pianist?" Shuuka's eyes lit up in curiosity, "Who?"  
  
"Seo Joohyun", Maestro Gilbert answers.  
  
I know who Seo Joohyun is. Also known as Seohyun, she's a piano and composition prodigy who graduated from the same high school as my cousins, Minami and Juri Takahashi. When Seohyun was seven, she wrote her first piano concerto that earned her a first place trophy from the distinguished Toru Takemitsu Composition Award. When Seohyun was thirteen, she finished her first symphony that the United Nations Music  & Environment Initiative used for one of their campaigns. But most marrkedly, in her final year at Juilliard, she composed  _Le Cygne Noir for Solo Bassoon and Orchestra_ , the concerto that moved audiences worldwide and brought home two Grammy Awards and Classical BRIT Awards for the both of us. Seohyun is the most fantastic person I've ever collaborated with — she bears an imagination that transcends many creative minds and a love for her craft considered so profound, that professors at the Juilliard School coined her the nickname "The Aristotle of Music."  
  
"Because of her packed schedule, Seo Joohyun won't be rehearsing with us until the day when we arrive in Paris", Maestro Gilbert made clear, "But in the meantime, I have another fine addition to our ensemble. A brilliant clarinetist who had finished studying abroad in Europe."  
  
Oh lord. Here she comes.  
  
The double doors of the Alice Tully Hall swung open to reveal a slender woman with piercing eyes, her dark brown hair kept straight and bangs swept to the side. She wore a sleek red bustier dress and black cardigan, cream colored purse slung on her arm. Even her makeup was enticing.  
  
"My name is Jennie Kim", she grins, her skin illuminating under the lights of the concert hall, "It'll be a pleasure working with you all."  
  
"Your seat will be next to Mina Myoui — the principal bassoonist", Kai points out.  
  
"Mina Myoui is here?" Jennie's previously composed expression fluctuates to eagerness and it spooks everybody in the ensemble, including me.  
  
Especially me.  
  
Jennie loses her cool and she starts advancing towards me, extending her arm out as she clasps my hands and shakes it rapidly, "Holy shit. It really is Mina! Good god, you're so beautiful up close with your glowing skin, gleaming eyes, glistening red hair, and godlike body proportions. Don't even get me started on how gorgeous you look in that off-shoulder sweater dress and knee-high leather boots."  
  
"Umm..." the clarinetist is showering me in compliments and my nonfunctioning self does nothing but blush.  
  
"Jennie, sit. We're about to start rehearsals", Kai orders.  
  
The girl complies and sets her instrument case on her lap, assembling and unsheathing her clarinet like a finely polished sword — a pricey Leblanc Bliss. _Jesus, it's better than the model that my mom plays._ Then she plays one of the smoothest B-flat scales that I've ever heard.  
  
Rehearsals commence with the first movement of SIbelius Five and for the longest amount of time, I feel Jennie's fervent gaze biting into the nape of my neck whenever the bassoon solo came up. It's even more painful than my prevailing headache.  
  
"Five minute break!" Maestro Gilbert declares then he leaves the auditorium to grab a coffee.  
  
As I was about to remove my neck strap and rest my bassoon on its stand, Jennie pops up from her seat and shouts in my ear, "MINA!"  
  
"OUCH!" my bassoon's bell knocked against my head, "Don't scare me like that!"  
  
"Whatcha doin' after rehearsals?" Jennie asks.  
  
"I don't know? Practice some m—"  
  
She didn't even let me finish my sentence, "Do you want to grab dinner with me later tonight? Methinks that you didn't eat yet because you're a woodwind and you didn't want to mess up your double reed. My treat."  
  
Dammit. She's offering me free food.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"I want to get to know you better!" Jennie offers.

* * *

**The Seventieth Measure**

Tuesday: November 24, 2020  
  
Pops Orchestra rehearsals had ended past midnight and Jennie Kim picked me up from the entrance of the Alice Tully Hall. We headed to a restaurant entitled _Cafe Fiorello_ for late dinner, which was just a block away from the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts. The tiny café huddled despondent among the huge city buildings. Washed out under the overcast sky, it hunched in itself. Jennie and I were one of the only customers present at this late hour, sitting diagonally from each other. I found the overall atmosphere relaxing for my weary self, as I slouched on the patio-styled cushioned chair, listening to the effervescence of the live pianist's light fingers dancing upon the piano's ivory keys as he plays renditions of [soft jazz tune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ugfve_qx-s)[s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ugfve_qx-s).   
  
The older girl looked up from her menu to acknowledge me, "You're a bassoon?"  
  
"I play the bassoon", I spoke in an attempt not to sound like a grammar nazi.  
  
"Whew", she reclined in her seat, propping her feet up on the empty chair in front of her, "You know, bassoonists are like unicorns — majestic yet rare. Maybe it's because the bassoon is such a hard instrument to play, in my opinion. I tried playing my friend's bassoon once. The double reed made my mouth sore and I thought that my lungs were going to explode after playing a simple F. You make it seem easy."    
  
"Sure", I yawned, not really paying attention to her.  
  
Jennie cocked her head, "Tired?"  
  
"Yeah", I simply said, swirling my mocha latte with my spoon, watching the stream of coffee churn in all its sedate motions.  
  
"Must be because end-of-the-semester juries are coming and we have to perform Sibelius and Ravel", Jennie huffed, then gave me a wide-eyed smile, pinching my cheeks to grab my attention, "And also, you didn't eat dinner, you silly bean!"  
  
I moved Jennie's hand away from my face, "Don't—"  
  
"Here's the menu", Jennie cut in before I could spurt out a single word, "Order what you’d like. My treat."  
  
"You really don't have to."  
  
"Oh, how embarrassing!" she cries out, "I forgot to use the ladies' restroom before I picked you up! I'll be back!"  
  
"What about your order?" I inquired the hurried clarinetist.  
  
"Just tell the cute waiter boy that I want a bread bowl of New England Clam Chowder with a side order of Chicken Caesar Salad!" She responded in a loud voice that can be heard from across the restaurant, "Oh! And two glasses of water!"  
  
As soon as Jennie left, I returned to my exhausted state, twirling my spoon into a stream of coffee as small streaks of milk foam drifted in a circular direction. On my left, a tall figure's shadow swayed over my head as I ceased my procedure, easily recognizing her oval-shaped face and her ruffled auburn-brown hair, her mallet case case slung over her shoulder as she gave me a smirk. The girl looked stunning in a dinner jacket and waistcoat, accented with a black bowtie. She brushed her feet against the floor, whistling as she waited for me to say a word.   
  
"Your order, bassoon-chan?"   
  
"Jeong—" I gasped, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Had to pay off the rent somehow", she sulked, seemingly enervated from having to perform her work duties right after Pops Orchestra rehearsals. I bet that Jeongyeon would rather be in bed right now, perhaps cuddling with Momo. "Surprised to see you not in a practice room, self-deprecating like most  _perfectionists_ do."

  
"I lost a lot of life in me after that surgery. And it's not even my _last_ surgery."

  
"Makes sense", the timpanist-slash-club president commented, jotting down something on her clipboard, "I've gotten down what your friend wanted. And then a classic cheeseburger for you, I presume. Oh! And with a large bottle of Heinz Ketchup to go with your order."  
  
"You know me too well", I chuckle.  
  
"I would know because you _murdered_ the fries the last time we ordered In-N-Out", Jeongyeon sniggers, slapping my butt.  
  
"OUCH! YOU MOTHERFU—" I attempt to swing my menu at the timpanist, but she laughs and runs to the back of the kitchen before I could strike. Then Jennie had returned from the bathroom, befuddled at my sudden change of mood.  
  
"What's with all the hullabaloo?", Jennie dumbfoundedly questioned.  
  
"Oh, nothing, Nothing at all!" all of a sudden, my exalting tone abruptly changed into a more pleasant and subtle tone.  
  
Jennie continued to browse at a menu consisting of a delightful selection of wines, cocktails, and other coffee cups when she caught my distressed expression targeted at the vast, mahogany floor beneath my small feet. I was about to fall asleep on my bassoon case when Jennie began to talk.  
  
"I thought that I knew every bassoonist at Juilliard", she sat up in her chair, her cardigan-clad shoulders poised, almost like a justice scale that balanced books, "But you're different. You're not lonely, geeky, weird, or incompetent at your instrument, you're probably the most beautiful bassoonist that I've ever met. If I were a guy, I'd date you. When I heard you perform _Le Cygne Noir_ at the BBC Proms last year, I cried. God, your bassoon sounds so glorious. I've never been that emotionally driven by anyone's playing before. You made me cry the shit out of my eyes."  
  
"Oh..." I wasn't sure how to react, "I'm sorry."  
  
"Ha ha ha ha!" Jennie lolls her head back in laughter, "You're apologizing? I'm saying you're so good. Like, god-tier good. You moved me, a lot."  
  
"Gee, thanks", I replied indifferently.  
  
"Wahhhh! Your reaction is so lame!" the clarinetist was cracking up, banging her fist on the table and nearly causing Jeongyeon to drop our food.  
  
Four bites into my life-sized hamburger and I'm already full. I don't think that my stomach could take in the fries. The door to the cafe swung open and half-a-dozen more customers ran in, heralded by a blast of cold wind. Jennie disregarded the people around her and started to gobble up her salad and chowder like it was nobody's business. _Wow, this girl isn't as prim and proper as I thought._  
  
"Minaarrr", Jennie slurred, food still in her mouth, "You're not eating?"  
  
"I'm just tired, that's all", I explained, setting down my hamburger and snatching a cup of water from across the table, "I had a lot of work to do."  
  
And I'm not just talking about Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals and Pops Orchestra rehearsals. I caught up on missed homework, I worked at the Disability Resources Center this morning, I had a music history class, I taught SinB how to triple-tongue during our lesson in the afternoon, I had my bassoon lesson, and then I spent six hours in the practice room with Minyoung, brushing up on the pieces that I have to play for our music jury.  
  
Carrying out my daily schedule would've been easier if I didn't have to deal with the symptoms that came with my post-acoustic neuroma removal.  
  
"Of course you have a lot of work to do", she consumed her last bite of seasoned chicken and turned to face me, "You're so hardworking. You're Mina Myoui, the world's greatest and youngest bassoonist of the twenty-first century."   
  
_Of the twenty-first century?_ I choked on an ice cube, "You're exaggerating."  
  
"I'm telling the truth. You are the best", Jennie speaks honestly, a small smile hanging on her pink lips for whatever reason that I cannot explain, "And you're still young, which means that your playing is going to get even better and better as you grow."   
  
_That's what you think._  
  
"You know, Mina", she continues, a piece of complementary ciabatta hanging in between her teeth, "I've always envied you because you win every single competition that you enter, you always earn first chair in any ensemble that you audition for, you get to perform in the most prestigious venues and in the most celebrated music festivals, and etcetera. You're so lucky. You don't know what it feels like to lose anything."  
  
_Jennie. You have no idea about what I'm going through right now._  
  
"Mina", the clarinetist swallows, "You're overdressing your fries."  
  
"Wha—" I bring myself back to my senses when I realize that I've poured a heap-ton of ketchup on top of my fries, "Ah crap..."  
  
"Hah! I told you that you'd kill the fries", Jeongyeon teases as she makes a quick flourish past our table and to the customer sitting behind us. I gritted my teeth at the mocking timpanist-slash-club president-slash-waitress, but she was too lost in her own world to notice me.  
  
"You know that cute boy?" she implies Jeongyeon, intrigued at our little exchange.  
  
" _She_ is just a friend."  
  
One hour later, Jennie and I are still stuck in this muggy restaurant. Most of the customers that came in while we were eating had already left and the staff members were preparing to close down for the night. I didn't finish any of my fries so Jeongyeon thought about saving my unfinished meal and bestowing it upon Momo, who believes that wasting food should be a federal offense. Jennie continues to waste my time by nibbling on her unfinished piece of bread.  
  
"Penguin-chan", Jennie smiles, "Can I call you that? Because you're so cute, awkward, and 'Penguin-chan' just fits because you're Japanese."  
  
"Whatever", I shrugged, not really caring. No but seriously, I'm too tired to give a crap.  
  
"Anyways, _Penguin-chan"_ , Jennie leans in closer to me, her gold infinity necklace hitting the table as she stares intensely into my eyes, "Tell me about your life at Juilliard. Other than classes, practicing your _fagotto_ , and stuff, what else do you do? Who do you hang out with?"  
  
"Sana and Chae—" I swifty covered my mouth, coming to the realization that I told Reina's 'new friend' about my whereabouts.   
  
_Why did you do that?_  
  
"Hmm... Sana and Chaeyoung?" Jennie ponders, pursing her lips, "Sana Minatozaki is that weird horn kid with blonde hair and an eerily high-pitched voice, right? She is the one that looks and dresses up like one of those stereotypical high school girls in animes and Japanese dramas."  
  
"Mhm."  
  
Jennie does make a point about Sana's fashion sense. Today, she fixed her hair into soft curls and sported a white crochet collared top with a plaid, pleated high-low skirt. Yesterday, she decided to fix her disarrayed hair into a messy bun while a white flower knit top and a bright yellow crochet point edge skirt hugged her figure. Those who dress up in bright colors or form an attire correspondent to a private high school uniform are possibly certified _geeks_ , or so Chaeyoung claims when we had that one conversation about anime depictions in comparison to real life.  
  
Speaking of Chaeyoung...  
  
"And then Chaeyoung, hm?" she takes a moment to let that name sink into her head, "Oh! She's the deaf girl who plays percussion instruments, right? The short one with a brown bob cut and sort of dresses up like a boy or just flat-out doesn't care about what she wears at all?"  
  
"Why are you so keen on observing other people's fashion senses?" I inquire. _Chaeyoung isn't rich, you know?_  
  
"It's not that!" Jennie asserts, searching for words, "It's just... among all of the other people in our orchestra, Sana and Chaeyoung are the type of people I'd expect _the least_ to be your friends, since your playing skills are leagues above them and you look like a million bucks every day."  
  
"I don't need to hang out with over-the-top rich or talented people to be happy", I notice that I'm sounding defensive and this isn't a good sign.  
  
But thankfully, Jennie doesn't take my tone of voice the wrong way, "That's cool. I remember when you were younger, you used to be a super cocky, hyper-competitive, stone-cold bitch. Well, at least that's what I saw with my eyes when we used to bite each other's asses off at music competitions. But you've changed a lot, Mina. You've grown to become more humble."   
  
"Mina is still a bit cold, though", Jeongyeon, now in casual clothing, butts in with a joking smile. She pokes my cold cheek with her warm finger.  
  
"Will you fuck off?" I sneer.  
  
"Love you, bassoon-chan! I'll tell Momo to thank you for giving her your fries!" the short-haired waitress ruffles my head, grabs her red coat from the coathanger, makes her way out the door, "See you at Pops Orchestra rehearsals tomorrow!"  
  
"You're a member of the Pops Orchestra?" Jennie questions with an amusing look on her face.  
  
_Oh no._  
  
Great. Not only does Jennie know about the people that I hang out with, but she also knows about me being a member of the Pops Orchestra. If she knows, chances are that Reina and The Six are going to find out sooner or later about my whereabouts.  
  
"I-I'm sorry but I have to go", I throw on my leather jacket and haul out my instrument case from under the table.  
  
"Wait!" she grabs my wrist, "Where are you going?"   
  
I was sweating, conjuring up an excuse off the top of my head, "I have a morning class. I need to sleep."  
  
"Oh, okay then", Jennie sighs, letting go of my arm, "By the way Penguin-chan, I won't tell anyone about you being friends with Sana and Chaeyoung, or you being a member of the Pops Orchestra. You have my word, I promise."  
  
"Thanks", I said with a small smile.

* * *

**The Seventy-First Measure**

Wednesday: November 25, 2020  
  
God, I hate having headaches during rehearsals.  
  
I thought that things were going to get better after I had part of my brain tumor removed, but I jinxed myself. I've had a lot more headaches and instances of vertigo since the aftermath of my first surgery. I couldn't even bring myself to Pops Orchestra rehearsals without the assistance of Sana and Chaeyoung, whom I linked arms with all the way from the Main Building to the Alice Tully Hall.   
  
"Omo!" Yerin bellows in her obnoxiously loud voice, "You bought that boutonniere for Mark? That's so _suh-weeeet_!"  
  
"You can't tell him about it though!" Junior tells Yerin and SinB, retracting his phone and positioning it smack in front of his sheet music, "Once Mark returns from the bathroom, you two better not say a single word or else I'm going to smother you guys with my reed knife."  
  
Yerin, SinB, and Junior continue to compete about their dates, talking and yelling at each other so loudly that my current headache only ensues to become even more painful. Even though I'm proud of their improvement since the Pops Orchestra's opening night, that doesn't change the fact that all of them sustain to act like sixth graders when they're in rehearsals. None of them even touched their instruments and began to warm up.  _What the hell? Yerin, Mark, and Junior are supposed to be a year older than me too._ My head leans on the bell of my bassoon because I can't even begin to practice scales amongst this ruckus. I decide to close my eyes and hope that they'll shut up sooner or later.   
  
Mark heads towards his seat and Yerin takes the opportunity to teasingly knock Junior's phone off of his music stand, "HEY, MARK! JUNIOR SAID—"  
  
My head hurts.  
  
"Hey!" Junior jumps off his seat and starts to strangle the older girl, "Give me back my phone, you blockhead!"  
  
My head really hurts.  
  
"Yah!" SinB also stood up firmly from her hair, "Don't call my girlfriend that, you halfwit!"  
  
My head _really, really_ hurts.  
  
Mark ceases the assembly of his contrabassoon and also flares up, "You don't call my boyfriend that!"  
  
"Jerkhead!" SinB shouts.  
  
"Dunce!" Mark counters.  
  
"Nincompoop!" Yerin shrills.  
  
Junior stomps his foot, "Son of a—"  
  
"CAN YOU MORONS JUST SHUT UP AND PRACTICE?" I scream and it feels as if the whole world around me froze in time. Knowing that I normally don't talk loud, Sana was probably the most taken aback at how capable I was at raising my voice over the tuning of instruments.  
  
Fantastic. Now my throat is dry.   
  
But then Junior completely avoids practice and persists in staying on the previous topic, "Mina! Are you going with anyone to the Juilliard Ball?"  
  
My reed falls out of my mouth, "The what?"  
  
"The Juilliard Ball!" SinB exclaims, excited as a pig in a peach orchard, "Remember that huge formal dance that The Juilliard School puts on after finals are over? You literally got asked out by forty-something guys, including Mingyu, last year and the year before."   
  
Oh, that.  
  
The Juilliard Ball, or simply "The Ball", is the one major social event that is active throughout the school year, other than those spontaneous dorm activities and post-midterm parties. We don't have any fraternities, sororities, or any other college party-drivers on campus. During the school year, Juilliard students have no time to go out, staying up nights on-end studying and competing against their peers as if their lives depended on it. I'm a part of that pidgeonhole. The practice rooms have become my second home to my dorm. The performing arts industry is an unforgiving business and getting slightly distracted can be the difference in being hired at a renown institution or being unemployed for the rest of your life.  
  
But just because Juilliard is home to the best performing artists in the world, it doesnt always imply that the students don't believe in having fun and socializing. Students hype over The Ball because it is an event that takes place after finals and there's nothing else left to do except wait for the next semester to begin. The Ball is a stress-reliever and an escape from our hectic, tumultous lives.  
  
But for me, it was just Prom 2.0 except even classier with good-ass food, drinks, decorations, and music. It was like a Viennese occasion except The Ball also consisted of sexy gowns, amped-up dancing, alcoholic drinks provided to students who show valid identification, and the occasional cat fights between intoxicated drama, dance, and voice majors — types of things that wouldn't be authorized at a high school dance. The professors didn't feel the need to monitor us because we're freaking _adults_. We're not meant to be babysat like we were in high school.  
  
The primary reason as to why I attended The Ball every year was because The Six dragged me to go. Our social circle wouldn't be complete if I wasn't there. It's almost comparable to the Spice Girls attending an awards ceremony, except with only four members present instead of five.  
  
"So Mina, are you going to The Ball?" Yerin reinforces the question.  
  
"Err...' I thought distressingly. _I don't really need to go to The Ball since I'm not a part of The Six anymore. Plus, I don't want to mess up my hearing._  
  
"Settle down everyone!" Maestro Ishii enters the hall, saving my ass from having to answer Yerin's question, "Jeongyeon, Momo, and Jihyo have some important announcements regarding the Juilliard Pops Orchestra's next concert, which will be in December. Now, please listen to them."  
  
Jeongyeon announces her arrival with a wide grin and a colossal stack of papers, "Bonjour, mes amis! ( _Hello, my friends!_ ).Momo, Jihyo, and I have some exciting news to share! In my hands, I have all the processed documents needed for our next trip."  
  
Everyone brings their full attention to Jeongyeon after hearing the word "trip".   
  
The timpanist searches for a place to set down the papers and gives Jihyo the spotlight, "The Juilliard Pops Orchestra, among other famous orchestras, will be performing at the _Le Festival de musique d'hiver de Paris_  taking place during our winter break! This offer has been given to us by the festival committee, in which one of their members had attended our opening night and recommended for our orchestra to become a part of the lineup."  
  
Parisian Winter Music Festival? Wait a minute...  
  
The Juilliard Orchestra, the Juilliard Pops Orchestra, and the New York Philharmonic are a going to perform at the _same_ festival. Oh no.  
  
"Aaaaannnnnd", Momo elongates, her eyes surveying a piece of paper, "According to the program, we're scheduled to perform right after the New York Philharmonic. On Day Four. The Juilliard Orchestra, which I know that Mina, Sana, and Chaeyoung are a part of, will perform on Day Five."  
  
No, no, no. We can't be after the New York Philharmonic. My mom and dad are in that orchestra. They're going to find out that I've been meddling with the Pops Orchestra and shun me for as long as I live. To them, "Popular" music is regarded as the lowest form of music. I've never listened to the radio, I've never watched any music shows on television, and I could only buy certain songs on iTunes under my mom's discretion.   
  
"Mina, are you okay?" Yerin taps my shoulder.  
  
I spaced out, "Yeah! I'm fine. I am definitely not stressing out right now!"  
  
Jeongyeon continues the announcement, "Don't worry about expenses. Those are all shouldered by the festival committee. All I ask is that you guys have the necessities for traveling abroad. Bring your passport, get all of your proper vaccinations, call your credit card provider, whatever."  
  
"Hey, No Jams", Jihyo whispers quite loudly over to their president, "You forgot to tell them about our repetoire."  
  
"Oh, crap!" she apprehends, "We're playing one hour's worth of Christmas songs, including our signature _Sleigh Ride_."  
  
Behind me, I could hear the horn section moaning in protest. Offbeats, offbeats, offbeats.  
  
Jeongyeon clasps her hands together with a flashy smile, "That's it for today! The music won't be handed out to all of you until tomorrow. Dahyun is still working on getting copies for each section so there's nothing to rehearse. I'm going to end rehearsals early. Bonne Nuit! ( _Good Night_ )" 

* * *

**The Seventy-Second Measure**  

Thursday: November 26, 2020  
  
My music theory class ended early, then Minyoung and I had a two-hour practice session for our upcoming music jury.  
  
I arrived at the residence hall around lunchtime when my eyes caught Chaeyoung's legs spread all over Sana's _Sailor Moon_ carpet, playing _Animal Crossing_. The shorter girl slept over at our dorm room last night since she couldn't get home — her metro line was closed down because one of the trains had been deemed dysfunctional. On the other hand, Sana is currently having her a horn lesson so she's not here. I forgot to mention that Sana and I switched beds because of my imbalance. My legs couldn't bring themself to climb to the top bunk, so now I sleep on the bottom bunk.  
  
The percussionist folded her Nintendo DS and tossed it on my bed, " _How was practice with Minyoung?_ "  
  
I tenderly laid my bassoon case next to the lamp table, " _I didn't sound like crap. Well, that's what Minyoung thinks._ "  
  
" _That's a start_ ", is all that Chaeyoung indicates with her hands, " _You're becoming more adjusted to playing your instrument with reduced hearing._ "  
  
" _Becoming more what?"_

 _"A-D-J-U-S-T-E-D"_  
  
_"Oh. I guess."_  
  
" _I see that those post-it notes are slowly building up on your self-confidence"_ , she smiles, " _You didn't say one bad thing about yourself."_  
  
My self-affirmation mirror stands on the other side of the lamp table and I'm taken by surprise at how many notes there are:

**11/18/16 : I love my hair.  
11/19/16: I have cute feet.  
11/20/16: Wow, I never realized how sexy my lips looked until now.  
11/21/16: Minyoung and I played super good in the practice room.  
11/22/16: I think I just played the best F-scale since forever.    
11/23/16: When I play Saint-Saëns's _Sonata_ , my bassoon sounds like chocolate to my ears.  
11/24/16: Mr. Cseszneky just complimented me on my tone!   
11/25/16: I just learned from my lesson with SinB that I have a fast triple-tongue.  
11/26/16: I guess Jennie is right about my playing? I cried while playing the bassoon solo to _Scheherazade._**

Woah.  
  
I wrote too much.  
  
The percussionist gives me a thumbs-up, " _Keep doing that._ "  
  
" _Okay, I guess_ ", I nodded.  
  
_*growl*_  
  
Goddammit, stomach. Not in front of Chaeyoung!  
  
" _You must be hungry. I'll make you lunch_ ", Chaeyoung read my pained expression darted towards the refrigerator, sprouted up from her seat, and scrambled towards the kitchen. I guess that's one thing about having a deaf friend: at least she doesn't hear your stomach growl.  
  
I grabbed her wrist then let her go to use sign language, " _You don't have to._ "  
  
" _Mina!"_ Chaeyoung looked desperate, " _You're tired. You need rest. Let me cook for you."_  
  
I give in, loosening my hand to let the shorter girl free. I slump on my bed and close my eyes for twenty minutes or so.  
  
The scent of some good-ass meal wafts into my nose and my eyelids threaten to open. I slid on my penguin slippers and walked, rather unsteadily, to the lounge area at the end of the twenty-fifth floor hallway, which also comprises of a kitchen and the correspondent cooking tools for students to use. Chaeyoung is loafing on one of the smaller couches with her feet propped up on a footrest.   
  
" _I **enhanced** your Cup Noodles_ ", Chaeyoung implants this smug but laughable look on her face.  
  
Indeed she did — Cup Noodles slapped on with shredded cabbage, carrots, bite-sized slices of pre-cooked pork, a sunny-side up egg crackled on top, sprinkled with fish flakes and seaweed powder on top, and dressed in some kind of sauce that my tongue can't determine. Chaeyoung must be such a fast runner, having to dash down to the Trader Joe's located on Broadway to buy these ingredients.  
  
" _I call it_ (I can't decipher this sign) _since I didn't usenormal **ingredients**_ ", she giggled, pushing my plate towards me, " _My_ (I still can't decipher this sign) _sauce is made with_  (she pointed at the labels of each bottle before signing) _worchestershire sauce, soy sauce, garlic salt, and your favorite — ketchup, a lot of ketchup."_

 _"You call it what?"_  
  
_"W-A-C-K-Y S-O-B-A."_

I grabbed a fork and twisted the noodles with it.  
  
" _It's good_ ", I dropped my fork to sign with her. Then I ecstatically savored every bite that I can, one piece at a time.  
  
Chaeyoung had to blush, having heard that from her 'idol', " _Oh, please. This is just one of those_ (she flashed her phone screen in front of my face with a [YouTube video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn7CnMMV9ag) and a title under that said video, then she put her phone down)  _college ramen hacks."  
  
"This tastes better than my family's cooking, _ I endorsed, " _You're talented enough to cook on 'MasterChef'."_  
  
She scratched her head, " _Gordon Ramsey makes me nervous. GBBO_ (abbreviation for "The Great British Bake Off") _is better."_  
  
" _Excited to go to Europe?_ " I attempted to whip up a conversation.  
  
The percussionist shrugged, setting her fork down after slurping her own share of noodles, " _I've never been to Paris. You?_ "

I began to list the names of cities off the top of my head, occasionally using online resources to look up the sign for each city, but not locating anything. I ended up texting her.

**[Mina Myoui] I've been to London, Prague, Vienna, Salzburg, Moscow, Brussels, Milan, Munich, and Geneva. Only for music — not for fun. I haven't been to Paris yet.**

And by music, I mean competitions, music festivals, and youth orchestra tours. _  
  
"That's a lot."  
  
"If anything, those trips were more tiring"  
  
"Valid point"_ , she agreed, " _I've practiced so hard for ARD, that I didn't even have time to enjoy Munich."_  
  
My eyes widened, " _You competed at ARD?"  
_

Chaeyoung brooded, absentmindedly playing with her food for a while before stopping to take out her phone.

**[Son Chaeyoung] Yeah, in 2016 — same year as Park Jihyo and Karen Fujii. Jihyo and Karen tied for second place. And me? I messed up. I didn't place in my category. That was my downfall. Y ou competed in ARD too, didn't you? In 2013?**

_"Yes."_ _  
  
"And you won, right?"_  
  
I swallowed the lump in my throat before signing back, " _Yes_."  
  
The other girl rolls her eyes, _"I'm not surprised."_  
  
The more I talked (or accurately, "sign-languaged") to Chaeyoung, the less I gravitated towards my phone because I had to pay attention to her hand movements. And the less that I used my phone, the more detached I was from social media and other news, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't have to view Reina and The Six's posts on Instagram, nor their snaps on Snapchat or their flagrant ramblings on Twitter. I also haven't been responding to my mom or my dad's texts recently. They probably believe that I'm busy or something.  
  
Oh god. My parents.  
  
" _You look disturbed_ ", Chaeyoung bought up.  
  
"Uh _, kind of_ ", I managed to spit out, my chopsticks sliding off my fingers as my hand began to shake.  
_  
_"It's about your mom and dad, huh? You were worriedwhen Momo said that we would perform right after the New York Philharmonic"_ ,  _I swear, this girl knows how to hit every single note resonating within my brain.  
  
I was an inch away from elbowing my bowl of 'Wacky-Soba', _"How did you know? You couldn't possibly hear Momo speaking."_  
  
_"Sana was translating for me. And plus, I'm a percussionist. I see everything from the back row."_  
  
I lean closer towards Chaeyoung, my hands tightly gripping her shoulders and bangles tinkling against each other, "You don't suppose that the festival committee is going to add a member roster to the programe, right? RIGHT?"  
  
" _Mina_ ", she gestures right in front of my face, _"I'm deaf, remember?"_  
  
"Oh", I retracted my hands, " _I just don't want them to find out that I'm doing 'other' things"  
  
__"Things?"  
  
_ I don't remember what the sign was for 'practicing', so I spelled it out for her,  _ _"P-R-A-C-T-I-C-I-N-G."_  
  
_

_"Okay",_ Chaeyoung nods, hiding a hysterical smile as she texted away. 

**[Son Chaeyoung] Don't worry about your parents looking for you when the Pops Orchestra performs. They won't. I heard from Sana and Jihyo that all of us are going to be wearing Santa hats with reindeer ears and stuff.**

"The hell?" I grimaced. The last thing I want to experience is being caught looking like a fruitcake while performing.   
  
"Chaeyoung is right. Chewy and Dubu will be picking up the hats sometime this week", Sana stepped out of the elevator with an over-sized cat sweater and a stupid grin on her face, instrument case cuddled in her arms like a teddy bear.  
  
"How are you still alive?" I asked Sana, who must've arrived from her private lesson.  
  
"I told my instructor about our winter festival repertoire and we deliberately avoided practicing _Sleigh Ride",_ she winked, then gestured to the shorter girl next to me, laxing like a couch potato on a Saturday afternoon (Today is Thursday), " _Chaeyoung, did you ask Mina yet?_ "  
  
I furrowed my brow, "Ask me what?"  
  
Chaeyoung gulped down her last bite of her homemade 'Wacky-soba', letting out a nervous reflexive giggle. I haven't seen Chaeyoung act this apprehensive since Reina and the other Juilliard Orchestra members bullied her into oblivion. Then she swallows, gazing into my eyes with hers.  
  
Chaeyoung raised her hands, _"Mina. Will you go to The Ball with me?"_  
  
"Eh?"  
  
Crap. I forgot about The Juilliard Ball.   
  
She panicked, _"Not as a date! We'll just go as friends!"_  
  
Chaeyoung remarks my parents and it breaks my heart deeply. I've known for a long time that my mom and dad would not be fond of me going out with somebody who is anything but a boy. When I was younger, my parents had taught me that being straight would bring me a better life. They also continuously stress to me that if I were to admit that I love girls, then I would bring down our family reputation. The question was always, _Would your relatives be happy? Your neighbors? Your friends?_ It was never about what would make **me** happy.  
  
I'm confused. I just haven't had the time to consider my sexual preferences.  
  
Chaeyoung is still looking at me, her eyes digging into mine. If we're just going as friends, I guess it wouldn't hurt.  
  
" _Alright",_ I confirm, " _I'll go with you to The Ball."_

* * *

**BONUS (Just Do It)**  
  
Yesterday — Wednesday: November 25, 2020  
  
It was around dinnertime when Sana and Chaeyoung finished their respective classes for the day. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Mina Myoui in between classes. Their only hope is to search for her around the cafeteria or on their way to their last orchestra practice before the big day. Sana can already imagine the look on Mina's face when Chaeyoung would ask her out to The Juilliard Ball. But Sana was determined, fiercely determined to grant Chaeyoung her wish. As soon as the two girls grabbed their soups from the Juilliard & SAB Café's soup & salad bar, they headed to an unoccupied table where Pops Orchestra oboist Choi Youngjae would serve as their waiter.   
  
"So just two Caffè Lattes for you guys?" Youngjae inquires.  
  
"Yes, please", Sana certifies.  
  
And then Youngjae left, fetching their drinks from the counter, leaving Sana and Chaeyoung to eat their soups respectfully. Unfortunately for Chaeyoung, she couldn't stand to take another bite of the spicy soup she conjured up with too much taco seasoning, whereas for Sana, she didn't quite mind the piquant flavors of the dish itself. Sana is surprised because Chaeyoung grew up eating spicy food. The silence continued until Sana noticed the percussionist playing with her soup. They way she was swirling her spoon in endless streams was blatantly distracting.  
  
" _What's preventing you from asking Mina out to The Ball?_ " the blonde girl begins.  
  
Chaeyoung pondered, swirling her cup of latte with a spoon, " _Have you seen Mina's parents before? They're scary._ "  
  
The other girl laughs, " _Of course I've seen Mina's parents before. I used to go to school with her._ "  
  
The percussionist exhales, _"I'm not in love with her, in that sense. I just want to go to The Ball with her because when will I ever get the chance to dance with her after she graduates? She's going to be in her last year at Juilliard next year, meaning that she'll be too busy to hang out with."  
  
"So why don't you ask her to the dance?" _ Sana repeats her question.  
  
_"Mina told me that her parents don't want to see her going out with girls, even if it's not during a romantic occasion."_  
  
"Y _ou just said that you're not romantically invested in her. If Mina's mom and dad magically find out about her going to the dance with you, simply say that you two were going out as friends and not girlfriends_ ", the horn player suggests, flinging her arms over her head.  
  
" _I guess..._ " Chaeyoung lowers her hands.  
  
" _Chaeng. Like you said, when are you ever going to have the opportunity to dance with Mina ever again?_ "  
  
The shorter girl lowered her head, feeling a pang of guilt, _"But what about you? You don't even have a date."_  
  
_"Don't worry about me!"_ Sana insists, _"I'll be fine."_  
  
_Sana_ , the younger girl thought. Sana was the type of friend who by nature, would instill great importance and devotion to the people that she deeply cares about. She would do anything to ensure one's prosperity and well-being, even if it means putting others before herself. Chaeyoung doesn't quite understand why Sana is like this, or what compilation of events drove her to act this loyal.  
  
" _Chaeng. I just want you to be happy_ ", she affirmed with great resolve and vigor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey friends. I apologize for not updating as earlier as expected. A lot has been going on where I live because well... I live in America (San Francisco, specifically) and shit went down on 11/9/2016. I don't feel like going into detail right now because I'm just in complete shock. I wouldn't be able to formulate my words properly had I shared it here, right now. So maybe at a later time, I guess.
> 
> On a lighter note, I'd like to ask something from you guys. If Mina and Sana could play a beautiful bassoon-horn duet together, what song would it be? It doesn't necessarily have to be a classical piece. It could be a slow K-pop ballad, an anime OST, etc. Leave your thoughts below ^^
> 
> \------
> 
> Tonguing - Tonguing is a technique used with wind instruments to enunciate different notes using the tongue on the reed or woodwind mouthpiece or brass mouthpiece. A silent "tee" is made when the tongue strikes the reed or roof of the mouth causing a slight breach in the air flow through the instrument. If a more soft tone is desired, the syllable "da" (as in double) is preferred. Tonguing also refers to articulation, which is how a musician begins the note (punchy, legato, or a breath attack) and how the note is released (air release, tongued release, etc.) For wind players, articulation is commonly spoken of in terms of tonguing because the tongue is used to stop and allow air to flow in the mouth.
> 
> Boot Joint - the joint at the bottom of the bassoon and folding over on itself. The tenor and bass joints are joined here.
> 
> Bell - the upper joint of a bassoon
> 
> Bocal - In some double reed instruments, the bocal connects the reed to the rest of the instrument. Bocals can be made from a variety of metals, including nickel silver, brass, sterling silver, or even gold, and are covered at the lower end with a cork sleeve, allowing the bocal to fit tightly in the socket at the top of the instrument.
> 
> Offbeats - Any of the normally unaccented beats in a bar, such as the second and fourth beats in a bar of four-four time. They are stressed in most rock and some jazz and dance music, such as the bossa nova.
> 
> Tone Hole - A tone hole is an opening in the body of a wind instrument which, when alternately closed and opened, changes the pitch of the sound produced. Tone holes may serve specific purposes, such as a trill hole or register hole.
> 
> ARD International Music Competition - The ARD International Music Competition (German: Internationaler Musikwettbewerb der ARD) is the largest international classical music competition in Germany. It is held once a year in Munich.


	16. intimo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_intimo_  
Origin: Italian/Latin  
Intimately

  


**The Seventy-Third Measure**

Saturday: December 12, 2020  
  
A stroll in the cold winter morning seemed brisk and refreshing as feather-like snowflakes gently my icy cheeks. The wind tossed the snowflakes with more force against my face, but it didn't deter me from walking. Within a matter of time, the playful, frisky wind turned into a snarling beast, hurling tiny pellets of pain at my stinging cheeks. I usually catch colds around this time and I know that I will eventually. Winter in New York City was always like this but no matter what, the citizens had no choice but to persevere because time wouldn't wait them. You still had to show up to your classes, your meetings, and your appointments on schedule. For me, I still had to practice no matter how chapped my lips were, no matter how frozen my fingers were, or no matter how sick I was. There's a famous Japanese proverb that my parents shared to me since I was little.  
  
It goes like this:   
  
_Nodo mo to sugireba atsusa o wasureru_ (喉もと過ぎれば熱さを忘れる), or in translation, "You forget the heat once it's down your throat."   
  
I was happy to have reached the entrance of the lobby of the Columbia University Medical Center. Twice a month, I would go back to the hospital for check-ups. Dr. McIntosh and his team had me undergo more physical therapy to check on my balance progress, and then they would put me under an MRI to survey the growth of the tumor on my left hearing nerve, which hasn't been removed yet because Dr. McIntosh is waiting for the appropriate moment to remove it safely and humanely. He predicts that my next surgery would be in either February or March.   
  
"Looks like you've lost ninety-percent of your hearing in your right ear", Dr. McIntosh claims after one of his team members reported the results of my hearing exam, "It won't be too long until you completely lose all of your hearing in that ear."  
  
"Wonderful", I sarcastic response underlies my cold breath. And I have my music jury in two days too.

* * *

**The Seventy-Fourth Measure**

Sunday: December 13, 2020  
  
I hadn't had a proper sleep in days. The bags under my eyes are starting to become glaringly obvious.  
  
Little did I know that _Café Fiorello_ was a popular joint for New York Philharmonic and Metropolitan Opera musicians in the evening, who on their way to rehearsals would drop by and eat a quick meal before they head out to work. Apparently, Maestro Gilbert would also escape to this facility to grab a quick cup of coffee in between Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals breaks, or so waitress Jeongyeon reiterated to me one day.   
  
Unlike that one night when I ate out with Jennie Kim, today the cafe was jam-packed with customers latching onto instrument cases of diverse sizes. They were all NY Phil musicians energizing and filling themselves up to prepare for what would be a long night's rehearsal, most likely in preparation for the Parisian Winter Music Festival taking place in two weeks. My parents sat at the rear end of the cafe, in which waitress Sana Minatozaki had situated them in a hilariously small table with those velvet-lined booths occupied by previously crummy customers.   
  
Oh, right. I also forgot to mention that Jeongyeon had hooked up Sana with a part-time job at this institution. The poor girl had been afflicted with forty-thousand dollars in debt from rising Juilliard tuition fees, so she had to take up a second job to suffice her liability.  
  
I'm heading for my seat when a nervous Sana whirrs by and yells a quick yet shaky "hi" to me, realizing that she had offered that second-rate table to _my_ parents — two of the NY Phil's principal players and some of the most respected figures in the classical music realm. I found her unintentional gimmick to be outright side-splitting, but my mom and dad weren't amused in the slightest, to say the least.  
  
"Mina, you're late", my mom punctuates.  
  
"I know. Got too caught up with practice", I admitted. I'm actually telling the truth this time. Minyoung and I spent hours in the practice room preparing for our final exams and juries, which will happen starting tomorrow. I'm scheduled to have my jury on Monday, five days before The Ball.   
  
"At least you're focused on your exams", my dad aforementioned, "We're expecting you to score in the top percentile."  
  
"Yeah, I bet", my voice came out exasperated.  
  
"Sit down, daughter", father commands, "We have something important to talk to you about."  
  
I obey and slide into the seat in front of my dad, shifting my bassoon case under the table. My eyes graze through the menu and land upon the same American Cheeseburger & French Fries platter that I ordered last time. I contemplate twice before making my decision, knowing that my mom would make a crude remark about my weight had I ordered a meal with a high fat content and calorie count, even though I weigh ninety-four pounds (43 kg) and stand at a height of 5'3" (163 cm). Since finals had come close, I haven't been eating as adequately as I should on a daily basis and Dr. McIntosh even commented about my lack of nourishment during my check-up yesterday.  
  
"One lobster caprese, one tuna tartare, one veal chop parmigiana, then for drinks, one caffè americano, one chestnut latte, and one coconut milk macchiato", waitress Sana takes our order with compliant smile, pretending not to know who I am and treating me just like any other customer.  
  
"I asked for veal chop milanese, not parmigiana", my mom corrects coaresely.  
  
"I'm very sorry about that, ma'am", Sana scribbles out her mistake, that same well-trained smile still playing on her face, "Milanese it is then."  
  
"I can't believe that we have such a ditzy blonde girl as our waitress", my mom grumbles under her breath as Sana walks away and gives our order to the cooks. My mother treats our waitress like one of our servants. She clearly forgotten who Sana was. She clearly didn't care who Sana was..  
  
"Honey, tell Mina about what you wanted to talk about", my father suggests my mom.  
  
"Oh, right", she remembers and turns back to me, "I'm fully aware that the Juilliard Orchestra will be performing Ravel's _Piano Concerto in G_ and SIbelius's _Fifth Symphony_  at the Parisian Winter Music Festival, the day after the New York Philharmonic. Your father and I will be watching from the crowds, since we didn't get to watch any of the Juilliard Orchestra's performances two months ago due to our touring schedule."  
  
I heaved out a sigh of relief. That month where my parents didn't watch the Juilliard Orchestra was the same month that I was hospitalized.  
  
"Don't get too relaxed, Mina. Your mom and I can hear you when you play", my dad warns, nonchalantly sipping his strong cup of caffé americano.  
  
"We didn't forget about Jolivet's concerto back in October", mom brings up in a stern manner, "Your performance was _good_ , but I thought that it could've been better. That high G was too muddy, your breathing is tattered, and ugh... fix that vibrato. You pulsate your diaphragm too slow."  
  
Well that just shattered my confidence.  
  
Even after all of the critical acclaim I received from the masses and _The New York Times_ , everything fails to appease my parents. I steal a quick glance from behind too see Jeongyeon and Sana just standing there, listening to my mom and dad's boorish commentary instead of carrying out their duties. I can't even bring myself to enjoy my food. I wish that I could disappear right now. Nothing could've been more unbearable than listening to your parents revile you in a public restaurant, not to mention one that is congested with musicians from professional orchestras.  
  
"Excuse me! Waitress!" my dad hollers over a hundred voices in the facility. Sana is the first one to address her concern.  
  
"Is there something wrong?" she asks.  
  
"Something wrong? There's a toothpick in my veal chop!" my mom stomps her foot, starting waitresses Sana and Jeongyeon, as well as the other customers sitting around us, "I could've choked on this toothpick and died! What do you have to say for yourself?"   
  
"I-I'm sorry", Sana stammered, not sure about what to do next.  
  
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO REDO MY ORDER OR GIVE ME A REFUND?" mom raises her voice and unexpectedly, she splashed her simmering hot cup of coffee on Sana's work uniform, in front of everybody. I was in shock as I saw Sana's eyes nearly welling up in tears. _This is unacceptable._  
  
"MOM! WHAT THE HELL?" I stood up for Sana.  
  
"Mina! Sit down!" my father directs calmly, "Your mom will handle th—"  
  
"No, fuck you!" I spat without thinking, removing my belongings from under the table and dragging Sana into the women's bathroom.  
  
It's eerily silent as Sana and I are standing around in one of the larger toilet stalls, those intended for handicap people or those who are claustrophobic. The quietness of the bathroom eased my irritated ears after having been released from the cacophony of the dining room. The taller girl could only wince in pain of being singed by my mother. Seeing Sana this anguished made me feel even more nauseous and heartbroken.   
  
I think I know about how I can help.  
  
I bent down and reached my case, "Take off your clothes."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"You idiot, I'm not going to watch you strip", I tug out a short concert dress from one of the larger outside pockets, "Change into this."  
  
Sana raised an eyebrow, "Why do you keep an extra set of clothes in your bassoon case?"  
  
"I don't know", I shrugged, "I'm just extremely wary about forgetting my clothes."  
  
The blonde girl adheres to my instructions, takes the dress, and waits for me to step outside of the stall and wait until she has finished changing into her newfound clothes. I see Sana tosse her blotched tie and dress shirt onto the floor and kick them aside, not wanting to think about the coffee stains inflicted by my mother. To be honest, I wouldn't have wanted to be reminded of my pain too.

* * *

**The Seventy-Fifth Measure**

Monday: December 14, 2020  
  
No, no, no, no. This isn't good. I messed up during my music jury.  
  
I knew from somewhere in the beginning that something was going on with my hearing. Half the time, I couldn't hear Minyoung's piano accompaniment and I could've sworn that I was rushing through some passages.   _And Mozart's bassoon concerto is the most basic work in all of bassoon repertoire. How am I supposed to live knowing that I screwed up a piece that I played hundreds of times in the past?_ It felt like time had decided to turn against me at a crucial point in my school year. If my parents hear from one of the faculty members, some of whom are also New York Philharmonic musicians, that I got five points docked out of a total score of one hundred for Mozart, they're going to kill me.  
  
Way to remind me of the pain that I had to endure last night with my parents and Sana Minatozaki.  
  
"Mina, relax! Ninety-five out of a hundred points is amazing!" Minyoung tries to comfort me by pulling me into a hug and patting my head.  
  
"Minyoung", I quietly sobbed into her chest as if the world were about to end right here and right now, "Ninety-five points out of a hundred is _not_ amazing. I was off-synch with your piano accompaniment. I couldn't hear you for some reason."  
  
The pianist says something cryptic and I can't hear her properly. The noise in my right ear processes her voice as somewhat deep, irvariably droning, along with some sort of reverb of every real sound, although the reverb seems more like a feeling than like an actual sound to me. I've had this feeling ever since I woke up this morning and it's been persisting throughout my entire day.  
  
"Can you repeat that?" I ask, "In my left ear."  
  
Minyoung complies and whispers into my left ear, "Did something happen to you while you were performing?"   
  
"I think I might've—"  
  
Oh, no. Don't tell me that I completely lost all of the hearing in my right ear already.  
  
"Holy shit!" Just before I could speak, a strident voice resounds through the glass doors.  
  
Minyoung jerks her head around to see the shorter girl with versatile bangs standing on the other side, "Unnie?"  
  
"No way! It is Minyoung!" Jihyo and "The Crack Squad" swing open the double doors of the Alice Tully Hall's grand foyer. The violist runs up to Minyoung, jumping into each other's arms, smashing each other's chests, and speaking in an inconspicuous language. It was as if they were a pair of high school friends who separated from each other during their college years and hadn't seen each other in such a long time.  
  
I sputter in confusion, "H-How do you two know each other?"   
  
"Mina!" Jihyo's blithe chuckle resounds in my left ear, "Meet Minyoung — my accompanist for the Maurice Vieux International Viola Competition."  
  
"I know who Minyoung is, dummy", I deadpanned.  
  
The pianist gawks at me, "Don't mind Mina. She's just disturbed because she got a ninety-five on her music jury."  
  
"You're upset because she scored a ninety-fucking-five out of a hundred on her music jury?" Tzuyu knits her eyebrows in confusion, nearly dropping her cello case on the limestone floor before Dahyun saved it with her hand, "Those are much better scores than what the rest of us got."  
  
"Mina is a perfectionist. Anything under one hundred is an 'F' for her", Nayeon explained.  
  
"I guess you could say that Minaring holds high expect _asians_ for herself", Momo cracks a joke but nobody is laughing.  
  
"Have a treat, Moguri", Dahyun feeds the violinist a chocolate bar to shut her up.  
  
"Say, how about we sit down and continue our little get-together somewhere else", Jeongyeon suggests as we all shift over to the seated area in the lobby, where there are other anxious musicians waiting for their jury, eyeballing the crap out of their pieces.  
  
First, Jihyo talks about how Nayeon passed her music jury and final exams, meaning that she'll get to graduate from Juilliard this year. Everyone is happy for her and the clarinetist was on the threshold of tears. Then Dahyun, Momo, and Tzuyu choosed to talk about The Juilliard Ball while Jihyo and Minyoung catch up on other stuff. Chaeyoung is just staring off into space, eyes pointed at the cantilevered ceiling as she studies for her jury.  
  
Nayeon removes the straw from her lips as she finishes her lychee milk tea, "The Juilliard Ball is going to take place at the Edison Ballroom?"   
  
"Yeah. Apparently, Juilliard’s Student Government managed to reserve a high-class venue ahead of time. Doesn't that sound lavishing?", Momo explained with grandeur, causing Dahyun to roll her eyes in annoyance as Jeongyeon gives the girls an entertained look.  
  
The cellist’s eyes widened, alarmed by the sudden crisis, "Oh shit, I forgot about that. Does that mean I have to pick out a dress for that night?"  
  
"It's okay, Chewy!", her girlfriend gave her an assuring smile, "I'll let you borrow some of my evening dresses".  
  
"Dubu, I think that Tzuyu has a bigger chest than you. Her body might not fit into any of your skimpy dresses", Jeongyeon pointed out, eyeing the double bassist’s body assets while Tzuyu glares in confusion.  
  
"Fuck you! It's not like your chest has gotten any bigger either!" Dahyun returns the favor by countering back with another insult.   
  
“Take that back, you little shit!” The timpanist loses her cool.  
  
As the two girls fight, Sana turns to me to get me to talk, "Hey, Mina. I just want to thank you for what you did for me yesterday."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"She wants to thank you for standing up for her last night", Jeongyeon reminds me, recomposing herself and releasing Dahyun from her tight grip, "We... we sort of watched the entire scene with you and your parents while we were working."  
  
"Oh... that", discomfort bubbles in my chest after having been prodded about my mom's disparagments.  
  
"I'm so appalled", Jeongyeon comforts me by encasing her arms around my neck and propping her chin on top of my head, "How could your parents, or anyone's parents in general, just tell their child that they'll never be good enough for them."  
  
"I honestly don't know", I whispered to myself.  
  
"No wonder why you feel like pulling your hair out at a ninety-five out of a hundred. But you know what Mama No Jams thinks, bassoon-chan? Mama thinks that you're a PHENOMENON!" Jeongyeon squeezes me tighter and I swear that I'm about to choke.  
  
"Jeong—" I panted for air, "Let go of me!"  
  
"D'awwwww! You're such an adorable little _fagott_ ", she coos, ruffling my hair with her large timpani-playing hands.  
  
"STOP!" I squawk, trying to fight my way out of her oddly-affectionate embrace.  
  
"Quit groping Mina, No Jams", Nayeon orders the short-haired girl.  
  
Jeongyeon lets go of me, "I'm not groping her, you dirty boob!"  
  
"Hey, Mina. Did anyone ask you out to The Juilliard Ball this year? I know that Mingyu tried to propose to you last year, but you rejected him", Minyoung batted her eyelashes, curious for an answer. The other girls turn their heads at me as soon as Minyoung posed that question.    
  
_Crap._  
  
"She's going with Chaeyoung", Sana chisels in and everyone chants in ooh's and ahh's. The percussionist's confused eyes peep above her score.  
  
"Oh my god! How cute!" Jihyo exclaims, cupping her hand over her mouth in complete bliss, "So Mina, you're going to The Ball with Son Chaeyoung, whom you kissed during our 'Truth or Dare' match at Dahyun and Tzuyu's apartment?"  
  
"I can ship this!" Dahyun approves.  
  
"You guys played 'Truth or Dare'? That must've been a lot of fun..." Minyoung sulks in jealousy.  
  
"Trust me, you don't want to be there", I whispered over to the pianist.  
  
"What about you, Sana?" Momo turns to the horn player sitting quietly next to Chaeyoung, "Who are you going to The Ball with?"  
  
"I'm not going with anybody. But I'll be fine, I promise!", Sana's fabricates a smile to ease the other girls. Chaeyoung notices this and her lips curl into a frown. Something was eating my gut, telling me that Sana wasn't too excited to go to The Ball by herself when everyone else has dates.  
  
"Are you sure?" Jihyo tilts her head worriedly, "I could hook you up with one of my viola friends like Nozomi Bando or Cathy Hemmingway. Or if you'd prefer to go out with a guy, I could also ring up Justin Poster, Roderick Figueroa, Brian Harrington, or—"  
  
"Jihyo. I'm fine", Sana restates, her tone insisting that she didn't want to be meddled with.

* * *

**The Seventy-Sixth Measure**  

Saturday: December 19, 2020  
  
The Juilliard Ball commenced in a 105,000 square-foot ballroom located in the heart of Manhattan, flourishing with a kaleidoscopic bowery of Alpine roses, Hyacinth, Gentian, Heather, and Edelweiss flowers. The rapturous, golden ceilings were decorated with dramatic, bohemian-styled chandeliers of heavily-draped fixtures with multiple swags of clear crystal balls. Ballroom tables and chairs decked up with scented candles and colorful flower bouquets were set aside to leave room in the center for authentic ballroom dancing.  
  
And if these festivities weren't enough, the wide variety of first-rate foods got Momo’s mouth drooling before Jeongyeon could even drag the aroused violinist to the center of the dance floor. A baroque counter located in the center of the ballroom floor blossomed with classy American courses as well as International dishes that represented Juilliard’s diverse student body.   
  
"Very good, you're doing it right! Just follow my lead and you'll be fine!"  
  
A fashionable Jackson Wang takes the savory assistant concertmistress on a savory journey as they run through the dance in small yet seasoned steps. While it was the first time Eunha had worn such a sensual piece of clothing, she looked exceptionally gorgeous in her emerald green dress with a sweetheart neckline, flower-embroidered bodice, and a floor length skirt. Oddly enough, she felt naturally comfortable in her attire.  
  
"Wow... she is such an angel. Perhaps I can ask her to dance with me", the Juilliard Orchestra’s principal second violinist thinks to himself.  
  
Following from behind, a suave classmate of Jackson offers a modest Karen Fujii to dance with him. Clothed in a coral-colored dress with a jewel encrusted bodice and a sublime chiffon A-line skirt, Karen follows Kim Yugyeom in his stride as he skillfully spins her around the dance floor in perfect rhythm with one another, the cultivated pianist giving his prudent violist a reassuring wink. Karen and Yugyeom break their entranced gaze to look up at the younger girl hovering with the hunky, inviting horn major.  
  
"Don't worry about it!” the oboist assures, “I'll mentor you through the entire process! Come, take my hand!"  
  
With the dramatic, stimulating showdown coming to a close, the lively music placidly develops into a sophisticated waltz as a lanky girl escorts an average-statured Yuta Nakamoto to the dance floor. Harnessed in a pale gold, embellished dress with a shimmering satin empire waist sash gathered by a flowing, high-low skirt, Shuuka Fujii expertly guides her inexperienced companion through the lengths of the exclusive ballroom floor while Yuta trustfully fixates his gaze from the floor to Shuuka's beautiful dark eyes.  
  
"WOAH! Watch your step!" the violist exclaimed, "I don't want you to get injured on such an enchanting night."  
  
Nayeon was dancing rather clumsily with Jihyo, who somehow picked up a few moves from Momo. Nayeon was wearing an ivory, low-cut evening gown with a sweetheart bodice that emphasized her plunging neckline with floral lace accents. The gown's empire waistline highlighted her skinny complexion as it draped down her long, layered skirt that she kept stepping on with her 4.5-inch heels. Jihyo sported a midnight blue dress composed of waves of pleats across the bodice and chiffon that flows from a single shoulder strap to an elegantly banded waist and high-low tulip skirt.  
  
"Wow! I didn't know that you were such an experienced dancer!" the excitable bassoonist cries out.  
  
Wearing a hot pink strapless dress with a sheer high-low skirt and a sumptuous beaded bodice with sensational diamond accents, Yerin danced with SinB, whose model-like figure was doused in an off-shoulder lavender dress, composed of lightweight chiffon skirt that billows into long bell drapes that slip off her lean waistline, ears accentuated with expensive diamond-studded earrings that she showed me during one of our lessons. She was swept away by the dance major’s excellent ballroom dancing dexterity as she successfully finishes the fast-paced waltz by delivering Yerin down to a romantic dip, bringing astounding acclaim from the surrounding music majors as well as Juilliard students from different departments.   
  
"You seem to be a capable dancer", the timpanist compliments with a charming wink, "May I take you on an exciting journey?"  
  
As the song transitioned to a more vibrant, high-powered latin tango, another dance couple steals the spotlight with their exceptional ballroom dancing skills. Draped in a red, elegant evening gown with asymmetrical ruching on her toned curves and a slit that intensified her muscled legs, Momo Hirai flaunts her flawless, agile steps while she stays in tact with her enticing dance partner, Yoo Jeongyeon (Who playfully kisses her neck as the couple covers every inch of the ballroom floor). The timpanist is wearing a mahogany dress with a lace halter neckline with adjustable ties, two side slits in the skirt, and a bodice that gently billows into a fitted waist with a band of elastic at back for a custom fit.  
  
"Interesting..." the double bassist has a sly smile plastered on her face, "Maybe we should try to swipe the limelight from them, don't you think?"   
  
Challenging the exemplary pair, a seductively smooth Tzuyu, donned in sexy black dress with a gauzy chiffon skirt and a long sheer sleeve, struts the stage with a fair-skinned dance partner by her side. Her name was Kim Dahyun, who was wearing a cream strapless dress with a flowing gathered waistline made into a full skirt, slightly padded busts, with a high-low hemline. Tzuyu eyes the ambitious violinist and the flamboyant timpanist as they engage in a intense, heated dance battle that excites the tireless crowd attending the extravagant ball.    
  
My engrossed eyes browsed the premises of the dance floor, observing every little detail that I pinpoint: Gorgeous girls in sophisticated gowns prancing about with their hunky boyfriends in monkey suits, uncoordinated feet tangling with gray trousers to the beat of the high-strung music, and if you're lucky, pink lips fondling in the embrace of a man's succulent tonguing throughout the alluring night-life. Suddenly, the in-house orchestral music changes into an enchanted, modern ballad accompanied by a gentle, male singing voice.  
  
The current song playing was _[So Close](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad7ejBn3KSQ),_  by Jon McLaughlin from the movie _Enchanted_.   
  
The two of us have been dancing together for quite a while now, and at this point, Chaeyoung looks a little weary. Her eyes traveled around the interior of the venue. She started to feel relieved after seeing one of her other friends seemingly partnerless. It was Sana Minatozaki, wearing a royal blue, floor length dress with sheer paneling and laced jewel detailing. Her hair was done in a messy bun yet with an exceptionally modish updo. I would've expected her to arrive in a ridiculous dress or to go full-out Disney Princess but Sana looks so classy today.   
  
" _You should go dance with Sana",_ Chaeyoung admitted, removing her arms from my figure.  
  
I paused in my steps, " _You sure?_ "  
  
" _I already got my wish, and that was to dance with you_ ", she explained, " _You know, after the Sana and I had that discussion about dates at the cafe, something didn't feel right. My gut was telling me that Sana didn't want to be alone. She might've wanted to dance with you too."_

  
"But—"  
  
_"I had my night",_ Chaeyoung's grin is as bright as a thousand suns,  _"I think that it's Sana's turn to have her's."_  
  
Sana shuffled around the venue, with a glass of fruit punch shaking in her hand, her frame bent after walking in those high heels. All of her friends have dates except her. Man, I seriously wish that I hadn't been a dick to her a long time ago when I said that she had no friends. Now I know what it feels like to be lonely, having been ostracized by my relatives and my former friends (The Six).    
  
The blonde girl sighed, "Momo, SinB, and Tzuyu are such talented dancers, huh?"  
  
"Sana, get over here", I grab her arm and haul her to the center of the ballroom.  
  
"MINA!" Sana shouted in surprise, "What are you doing?"  
  
Much to my luck, Dahyun sways up to Chaeyoung and steals her for the rest of the night, or at least for the duration of the slow dance. Chaeyoung agrees and they motion themselves to the dance floor, linking each other's arms and giggling like a pair of hormonal teens experimenting with new partners. It turns out that Nayeon and Jihyo had been assisting a nauseous Tzuyu to the lavatory after eating what could've been underdone food.   
  
"Well now that she's slow-dancing with her ex, you're coming with me", I declared.  
  
Sana stops me, "But what about Chaeyoung? Aren't you her date?"  
  
"That's not the point", I cried over the gradual onset of stirring music resounding over each surface of the ballroom, "The point is that I can't stand to see you moping around and being alone when we could be having one hell of a night. Chaeyoung even agrees that you're being too nice to her and that you're not doing things for your _own_ well-being. Forget this societal construction of needing a 'single date' for a special event. We're not in high school anymore. We don't need to assimilate with those kinds of ideals to make ourselves happy."  
  
I wish that I had told myself this when high school prom came around and I was forced to go out with a _man_ that my parents approved of.  
  
I wish that I had told myself this when I had that dispute over the dinner table with my cousins.  
  
I wish that I had told myself this when I used to be with The Six.  
  
I guess this is the part where I begin to change myself as a person — to regain a different persepective and have control over certain situations that play out in life. Change isn't exactly a bad thing if I'm doing it this way. I hope that I could continue to uphold this frame of mindset in the future.  
  
"You're adapting to a different type of mentality", Sana acknowledges, "I guess those self-affirmation posts really helped."   
  
She mentions those post-its sticking to my mirror and I start to think about the tiny percussionist drifting away with Dahyun on the dance floor. For a split second, Chaeyoung removes herself from the comfort of Dahyun's shoulder and gives me an approving wink.  
  
"Chaeyoung isn't the only one", I made clear, "Who taught me about nonconformity and told me to love and take care of myself? You did."  
  
Sana's emotions let it get to her like waves meeting the land, gripping the soft fabric of her ball gown as tears flooded from her eyes. _Sana Minatozaki. You deserved to be showered with love too, just as much as you shower your love on your friends and family._  
  
"So, Sana", I call in a calm tone, wiping a single shed of tear off her face with my finger. Her eyes were darting from the dance floor to my eyes.  
  
"Yes, Mina?" her small voice answered in an innocent, sweetened tone that whistled in my left ear.  
  
I took in a deep breath, "Do you want to dance with me?"  
  
Sana says blissfully, "I would love to."  
  
The blonde girl takes my warm hand as I take her to the dance floor. The song fluctuates from John McLaughlin to Mandy Moore's _[Only Hope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmt9XtMrEnk)_  from the coming-of-age movie,  _A Walk to Remember_. A rather wistful, overemotional choice for a slow dance, somehow it kindled a fire of hope in me. My confidence that had been shattered a few days ago had come back, just in time for this dance. Time was on my side today.  
  
"Is it okay if I put my arms around your waist?", Sana requests, staring at me with those magnificently dark eyes.  
  
I gave my anxious partner a comforting smile, "Of course you can.”  
  
Sana did as she was told and placed her arms around my small waist. In return, I caressed my arms around the horn player's neck as I rested my head on her soft chest (Note that Sana is wearing heels that are significantly taller than my shoes). As I danced with Sana, she was looking down in nervousness at my body. Blanking out, Sana accidentally stepped on my layered, satin skirt as I slip to the ground.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked, helping myself off the shining dance floor as I was supported by Sana’s helping hand.  
  
"Sorry", Sana apologized in a soft voice, "I've never done this before."  
  
"Let me help you out", I offered.  
  
"Okay", Sana nodded, placing her arms around my waist once again.  
  
Returning to our previous position, I guide my partner through the slow dance as she lets me rest my exhausted head on her comforting shoulder. I somehow figured that Sana was inexperienced in ballroom dancing — actually, no — slow dancing in general. Sana had been bullied before and this occurred when she moved to San Francisco after I had left her to enroll in LaGuardia High School of the Performing Arts, so nobody must've asked her out to senior prom or whatever festivities her high school offered.  
  
Dancing with another girl, let alone an angelic horn player who had caught my attention in Mahler Five, I somehow believed I was in heaven in the thick of a whimsical world of alabaster feathers whirling around Sana and I. I've never been this close in contact with Sana before, at least not in this kind of setting where romantic music is rebounding off every wall. She looked like an angel in front of my eyes. Her milky white skin blended perfectly with her sandy blonde hair, loose strands framing her oval-shaped head and adorable cheeks. She had wide brown eyes that brought out her natural beauty, long eyelashes showing content, as if she's everlastingly thankful for your well-being. I don't know what kind of hidden force is provoking me to think this way, as I haven't thought this highly of Sana in the past since my parents deliberately distanced the two of us.  
  
_What's going on with me? What is this feeling?_  
  
With the instrumentals becoming louder, the ringing spread to my good, left ear that doesn't have traces of hearing loss yet. The music was thundering and my tinnitus recurred and became even loder, sort of like the inner mechanizations of a computer. I'm cupping my ears with my hands as pain seeped from my eardrums to my brain. I think I'm going to cry. Sana sees me do this and she motions me away from the dance floor.  
  
"Mina!" Sana cordially asks me in a high-pitched voice, "What's wrong? Is it your hearing?"  
  
I didn't give her an answer.  
  
"Let's go somewhere quieter", Sana grasped my shaking hand and led me outside the ballroom premises, collecting our cloaks from the coat hanger located near the entrance.

* * *

**The Seventy-Seventh Measure**

We escape to the topmost floor where there is a newly-renovated indoor botanical garden, with a balcony overlooking the vast cityscape of Manhattan and the rest of New York City. Glass panels surround us, keeping us warm and safe from the cold weather that winter has to offer. The music emitting from the ballroom are muted down by the walls and the doors, steadily diminishing my headache.  
  
Despite the frigid weather, the exterior of the venue was protected from the descending snow. The staff was dedicated to preserve the sacred gardens. And if that wasn't odd enough already, the sun was setting three hours before midnight had just hit. The sky was a gradient of pink, orange, and yellow hues that represented a melting rainbow. It seemed as if the colors and the intensity of the light wanted to calm me down.  
  
Sana and I seated ourselves on a bench, in which in front of us was a beautiful fountain with cascading waters that gleamed with the glassy light of the brilliant sunset. The blonde girl was bopping her head to music resounding from her iPhone. The instrumentals consisted of a gentle piano melody back-dropped by balladlike drums. The lyrics are Japanese and I could pick out a few words but I couldn't recognize who the artist was.   
  
"That's a really nice song that you're listening to", I said.  
  
Sana removed her earphones and gaped at me, "I thought you didn't like pop music."  
  
"Just mainstream pop", I clarified, "And plus, it's seems like a nice song to slow dance to. Better than the music that's playing inside, at least."  
  
"[ _We Say Hello_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dhM-RJlX3k) by Manami", She stands up, "We can dance to this if you're feeling better."  
  
"I'm down", I committed.  
  
I don't know why, but something was driving me to get up off my ass and dance with Sana. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I encased my arms around her neck, gazing genuinely and profoundly into each other's eyes. I don't want to see Sana upset like how I saw her when my mom splashed hot, steaming coffee on her clothes. There was a fragment of me that compelled me to keep her and other people happy. I regret ignoring her in the past. I was too preoccupied with winning. Why am I a bad person? Why didn't I lend my arms for her when she did for me? I didn't have any friends in elementary school after The Six left to study abroad in Europe. Sana was the first one to befriend me in that music room.  
  
I was such a jerk.   
  
I regained my focus and acted as Sana's guide again, tugging her closer to my chest, hugging her gently like a precious pearl as I take her on a slow waltz across the polychromatic floor. I found out that dancing out here is better than dancing in there.   
  
There wasn't any loud music playing in the backdrop; there was only the calming song reverberating from Sana’s iPhone, soothing me like soft whispers reiterating in my attentive ear as I rested my head on Sana's shoulder, the hems or our dresses lapping against the ground. As the sun goes down, night drops on the city like a heavy curtain hiding everything. The darkness that sweeps over the landscape of tall buildings and shrubs swallows every road sign on the intersection below the balcony, and the absence of light is so complete, that not even shadows survive.  
  
"I didn't know that you could dance", Sana sighs — a sigh so sublime that her perfume-scented breath tickles my face.  
  
A light giggled escaped from my mouth, "Long story-short, along with my instrumental lessons, my mom forced me to study ballet on the sidelines because it's a trend among wealthy families. They say that it could make a young lady look graceful."  
  
"God, Mina. You're like the definition of graceful", she poses the most beautiful smile that has ever danced on her lips.  
  
"Oh, shut up", I mumble into her skin.  
  
And then something strange happened.  
  
Sana ceases her movements, "Hey, Mina. Wanna kiss?"  
  
"WHAT?" I suddenly gasped out, baffled at her unforeseen request.  
  
Her words take a while to sink into my brain. _She can't be drop-dead serious about this, right?_  Wrong. She is. Sana and I were engaged in a stare-down to see who would break out the first word. The elongated eye contact with the horn player demanded a greater degree of physical attraction. The longer I stared, the more I was enchanted by her twinkling eyes, scrimed by the stars in the sky glittering like the diamonds ingrained on Sana's magnificently blue dress. I want to give her a palpable response, but my breathing became constricted and shallow.   
  
The only word that comes out of my mouth is: "Why?"  
  
"Just because", she spurts out vaguely, "And plus, the environment is just fitting for a kiss."  
  
Hesitantly, I breathed my answer, "You do know that my parents won't allow me to date g—"  
  
"I know", Sana cuts in, "After this, we won't kiss ever again. Okay?"   
  
_It wouldn't hurt to experiment kissing another girl. Chaeyoung already stole my first kiss so there's really no point in waiting for the "right" person._  
  
"Okay", I said.  
  
Sana didn't even stop to take a quick breather before making her move. We took our chances and locked our lips together, Sana's nose brushing against mine. A tingle ran through my spine as the blonde girl's moist mouth closed slowly around her, forcing me to breathe through my nose. The kiss was gentle yet insistent; loving but possessive. Sana’s lips were soft like marshmallows and they tasted as sweet as candy.    
  
I felt a strong bursting sensation in my heart as if fireworks were exploding from inside me, but as she continued, I couldn't help but close my eyes and pretend I was in a fairytale dream made into reality. I was overwhelmed in happiness as I felt the soft touch of her warm, soft lips pressed against mine for the first time. Saying that horn players are good kissers is a huge understatement; they know how to make magic like they do with their instruments. It was as if I were a princess kissed by my prince charming. Actually, no. Sana is more like a princess if anything.  
  
_What the hell is going on with me?_  
  
I’m enjoying every lasting second of it; I couldn't let go of this savory sensation. It didn't feel like one of those dumb kisses pulled from bets or dares made by your stupid friends (a.k.a Jeongyeon). It was a kiss missing for months; a kiss more longing than other kisses. But just when I thought that the kiss could go on for longer, Sana pulls away and wipes off the remains of "whatever-the-fuck" I left on her mouth with her arm.  
  
"Well, that was fun while it lasted!" Sana's voice is as cheery and pleasant as ever.  
  
I shot a perplexed look at the horn player, almost in disbelief of what I had just experienced. For a moment, I forgot about the pain in my right ear.  
  
The aftermath of our first (and maybe only) kiss didn't leave me pleased at all. If anything, I was bewildered, confused, longing for a little longer.

 

* * *

**BONUS (And you guys thought that I would ignore Chaeyoung's dance with Mina xD)**  
  
Chaeyoung gazes at her date — a renowned musical prodigy cloaked in a silver dress, swathed with romantic satin crossing over the dropped waist and slowly cascading into delicate bustles throughout a long skirt sprinkled in a glitter of stars. The sweetheart neckline was heavenly embellished with beaded lace with diamond-like jewels. Her earrings were encrusted with starlight pearls and her hair piece consisted of starflower crystals.  
  
_Man, she's so gorgeous_. Mina's hair was a rich shade of wine red that flowed in waves adorning to her glowing, porcelain-like skin. Her brown eyes were framed by long lashes and a light hue of brown eyeshadow. Her lips were the color of a red rose and had she smiled, the people around her would sigh with contentment. Her beauty is so natural that even with no make-up, there wouldn't be a big difference in her appearance.  
  
"Ah! It's time for the slow dance!" Mina squealed in delight. It's probably the first time she has seen Mina this excited. In fact, it's probably the _only_ time she is ever going to see Mina like this. Chaeyoung can't hear Mina's words but she could tell that this isn't the same Mina she sees every day.   
  
Mina was destined to be a musician from the minute that she was born. She learned how to sing, play the piano, and read music before she could spell her own name and recite the alphabet. When she was in kindergarten and her teacher had the class play the recorder, Mina was already leagues above everyone in her class because she had already learned how to play the clarinet. Renown bassoonists from all over Europe had declared Mina as their youngest pupil because kids don't typically pick up a double-reeded instrument until they're in middle or high school.   
  
Mina was only ten years-old.  
  
Chaeyoung thinks that if Mina had been bred to believe that winning trumps happiness, then it would be a long time before she exhibits this sort of excitement again. And Chaeyoung predicts — no, she knows that Mina is going to be prosperous after graduating from Juilliard. Chaeyoung knows that Mina is going to forget her name and Sana's name in five years time. She's absolutely sure of it.  
  
Mina taps the shorter girl's shoulder, _"Chaeyoung."_  
  
"Ha—"  
  
" _Are you ready?_ " she gestured, her chocolate-scented breath carressing the shorter girl's pink cheeks.  
  
Chaeyoung gave off a nervous chuckle, looking up at the glistening eyes of her supposed ‘date’ before answering with her hands, " _I'm ready._ "  
  
And then when they begin the dance, the music travels from the people's ears to their feet. The percussionist blinked for a minute, wishing that she could be as graceful and refined as Mina Myoui. She imagined how it must feel to have the world spin around her while they twirled, or how it felt to fly through the air in a leap, or even how to just have a general rhythm to the movement of her feet.   
  
_She's smart, she's attractive, she can do her own hair and makeup, she puts a hundred-and-twenty percent in her attire every day, she sings like an angel in Aural Skills class, she plays the bassoon beautifully, and she dances just as elegantly as a swan. How can Mina be so damn perfect?_  
  
Chaeyoung wasn't so sure that she deserved to dance with Mina Myoui.  
  
The tomboy felt a bit hesitant in her steps as she latches her fingers around Mina's neck, and before they knew it, she stepped on Mina's foot.  
  
"I'm sorry!" Chaeyoung fearfully blurts out with her voice; she felt her body shrinking as she sees her partner wince in pain.  
  
But then the bassoonist recomposed herself, her pretty lips forming a glorious smile to her partner before using her hands to answer back, " _Don't be too tense. Let the music flow within your body and move with the wind. Forget about the people watching us right now; just close your eyes and breathe._ "  
  
The shorter girl sucked some air into her lungs before they began dancing. Before she even knew it, Chaeyoung found herself drifting out onto the floor. She wasn't even conscious of it. She and Mina were swirling to in the beat that the music gave them, gliding around on the floor as if they'd always belonged on it. Even though Chaeyoung was unsure of when her daydream had crossed into reality, she knew that they were doing the steps right, and she could feel that the music emphasized her every room. Pride made Chaeyoung smile, and she was glowing with joy as she slow danced across the floor with her beloved wife. Their waltz can go on forever, and she wouldn't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm so happy because ya homegirl just got her pre-ordered TWICE "TT" album mailed in. And guess which holographic photocard I got? MINA MYOUI SUCKAS. I also have the Tzuyu CD and a Jeongyeon Selfie Photocard. Now to figure out where I'll hang my posters...
> 
> Next chapter, I'm making the decision on what Sana and Mina's duet will be. Were you guys surprised with the ending? Let me know!


	17. volante

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_volante_  
Origin: Italian  
Moving with light rapidity; flying  
  


**The Seventy-Eighth Measure**

Sunday: December 20, 2020  
  
The morning sky was considerably welcoming as there was no heavy snowfall descending from the clouds, perfect for avoiding casualties during a flight. It was around nine-o'clock in the morning when Juilliard’s school buses made its way to the terminal entrance of the JFK International Airport. Those who carried lightweight instruments (Momo and her violin, Jihyo and her viola, etc.) rushed to the front door as those with heavier instruments (me and my bassoon, Tzuyu and her cello, Dahyun and her double bass, etc.) lagged behind since we had to retrieve our possessions from the back of the bus. Some chose to drive or use public transportation to arrive at the designated area beforehand, saving us some time.  
  
The entire Juilliard Orchestra and Pops Orchestra troupe stood in front of the airport's terminal entrance on such a windy day, Maestro Gilbert and Maestro Ishii taking role before setting us off to go through security check and dropping off our luggage at the check-in booth. Members of the both ensembles were keeping a good distance from each other, stone-cold Juilliard Orchestra Concertmaster Kai shuffling his feet against the stone-cold concrete as he watches the Pops Orchestra’s designated president, Yoo Jeongyeon, pecking kisses on an enthusiastic Momo’s cheeks.  
  
The Pops Orchestra members were surprisingly upbeat at the crack of dawn; they gave no room for emotional baggage from the agitated Juilliard Orchestra members, who had to stay behind and wait for Yugyeom and JB, second violinist and trumpeter respectively. On the other hand, Sana was so thrilled about traveling to a different country, that she couldn't keep still during the entire period of the role-taking process. The blonde girl clutched my hand so tight in excitement, that I was almost certain that her long nails would pierce through my skin.  
  
"Where is Eunha?" Maestro Ishii questioned as she scans the row of musicians for the missing Pops Orchestra Assistant Concertmistress.  
  
"She's parking my car", her charming boyfriend steps in with a flourish. Jackson Wang, a sturdy violinist at the ripe age of twenty-two and the Pops Orchestra’s Concertmaster, was trotting through the Juilliard crowd as a flock of female musicians swooned at his handsome features.  
  
"You made your _girlfriend_ park your car?" Im Nayeon asks incredulously, exchanging a narrow glance with her lover, Park Jihyo.  
  
"Hey! She insisted so that we wouldn't be late!" The embarrassed man defended, his cheeks flushed with a bright hue of red as the principal clarinetist and the principal violist gave him intimidating glares, "Besides, I'm not good at driving so I didn't want to risk getting a parking ticket."  
  
The two skeptical girls rolled their eyes in disbelief as everyone in the Pops Orchestra let out a hearty chuckle at Eunha's insecure boyfriend. A few minutes later, Eunha had arrived just in time before we had been let off to manage ourselves in the complexity of the airport. I had no problem lugging around my awkward, bulky bassoon case and suitcase to TSA (Transportation Security Administration); it’s something I’ve been used to since I started playing the bassoon when I was ten. However, because Dahyun had fallen asleep on the bus and had to be transported via luggage cart, Jihyo had been assigned with the unfortunate task carrying her unwieldy, thirty-pound double bass case to check-in.  
  
After security check, Momo and Jeongyeon scurried to the airport's convenience store to grab themselves a last bite of American food before heading back to the terminal gate with the the rest of us, waiting for our awaited plane to arrive at the gate.  
  
"Let's fly to the sky, everyone! Paris awaits!" The scenic timpani-second violin couple chants out their battlecry, linking their blissful arms together.   
  
"Jeongyeon and Momo are such a cute couple, aren't they? I like cute couples”, Sana whispers to me from behind, fully attentive as she watches our airplane make its way towards the terminal gate with the enchanted sunrise illuminating as a backdrop.  _Cute couples, huh?_  
  
Everywhere I turn, there's always a couple doing "couple-like" things. Nayeon and Jihyo spoke to each other in honeyed words while cuddling under a shared  _Pokémon_  blanket. Tzuyu and Dahyun fell asleep, using each other's bodies as furniture. SinB and Yerin were adorable playing footsies with their fuzzy socks, sitting across from each other on the airport gate seats. Momo and Jeongyeon were singing random songs to each other to past time, occasionally grasping each other's arms and accentuating one lyric dramatically.  
  
Watching couples exist like this, in their own globules where they can play with each other and comfort each other during life's catastrophes, has me wondering if I've been missing out on something during my entire existence. I did not forget about what had happened last night with Sana and I, nor did I forget about what I did with Chaeyoung at Dahyun and Tzuyu's apartment. I've begun to question my own sexuality as well. _Who am I?_  
  
It sucks to be single, especially in a microcosm where _everybody_ has somebody. I wonder if Sana and Chaeyoung are having the same thoughts as I am. But then again, Chaeyoung broke up with Dahyun during their freshman year of college. Chaeyoung is also trying to figure out who she is and thus, she's probably not interested in dating until she learns what she wants to do with her life. _Why is my thought process so complicated?_  
  
"Mina", Sana tugs my arm, "It's time to board our plane."  
  
The blonde girl took me by surprise, "Oh!"    
  
I walked over to the terminal windows to take once last glance at the glistening skyline of New York City, each building acting as if it were a beacon in the darkness. I watched as the cars waited in masses, relentlessly honking their car horns in an attempt to resolve traffic issues. I placed my small hands on the smooth glass, which felt like ice at its first touch, deeply exhaling as my chilly breath stayed imprinted on the window panes. 

_"Mina, you need to take break. You need to **take care of yourself**."_

_"Mina, please. I swear to god, just **take care of yourself** and go back to your room. I'll think of you in spirit."_

_" **Take care of yourself** , love yourself for Christ's sake."_

_"You need to do what makes you happy; you need to **take care of yourself**."_

I slapped my cheeks with my hands, "Snap out of it, Mina! Focus on _you_ , not other people."

* * *

**The Seventy-Ninth Measure**

**[Nine Hours Left]**

"Three! Two! One! BLAST OFF!" SinB and Yerin synchronously chanted as they received a well-deserved 'shush' from the other airplane passengers.  
  
I sat in the four-seated centric aisle with Sana, Chaeyoung, and Eunha (Who was aggravated at Jackson’s lazy ass for making her park his car). It's been a long time since I last rode in an airplane and to be honest, I never truly enjoyed long flights. In fact, I was unfortunate enough to be stuck on this airplane for approximately nine hours before we land in Paris.  
  
Oh boy.  
  
It’s already bad enough that all of the hearing in my right ear was gone, but when you have a cacophony of noise reverberating from all corners of the airplane, you’re bound for eight hours of hell. My left ear experiences short bouts of tinnitus before ultimately fizzling down like a balloon.  
  
To make matters worse, our aisle was sandwiched in between an aisle where two men were fighting in rapid fire French and another aisle where two annoying children started crying over a lost toy. I couldn't focus on sleeping because I was surrounded by bickering mortals. I tried to slip my headphones over my ears and turn on some classical music, but it was no use, as their endless jeering tore through her device.  
  
“Allez-vous être silencieux, s'il vous plaît?” a French stewardess tells the arguing men to be silent, much to my relief. Then the children calm down after a motherly Jihyo gives them her to-go Thomas the Train Tank plushie.

**[Eight Hours Left]**

However, it still didn't put an end to my flight torture. One-third through the duration of the flight, I started to feel nauseous from the lack of air pressure in the airplane. In an attempt to relieve my lightheadedness, I headed to the portable bathroom located in the back of the airplane to vomit, only to be greeted by a 40-year old man who decided to drop a bomb in the toilet.  
  
Nope. Nope. Nope.  
  
Not wanting to suffocate from the wretched smell in the tiny unisex bathroom, I turned around and headed back to her seat, where Chaeyoung was dozing off while Sana and Eunha seemed ot be watching a movie on the little portable screen implemented to the back of the other person's chair. Kim Dahyun — sitting in the aisle on the other side of the walkway with Tzuyu, Momo, and Jeongyeon — was chuckling exhilaratingly and deeming me a “neat freak” for the repulse. I flipped her off but the double bassist just grinned at me.  
  
I gave in and situated myself in between Sana and Eunha, trying to sleep.

**[Seven Hours Left]**

"EEEK!" Both girls screeched as they plucked out their complementary headsets from their ears.  
  
"What the hell are you two watching?" I asked, looking at them askew.  
  
"Eunha wanted to watch _Les Diaboliques_ since she has an odd carving for horror films", Sana explains, "It means _The Devils_ in English."  
  
I gave the violinist an amazed expression, "You enjoy shit like this?"  
  
"Not particularly", Eunha said, fixating her gaze on my tremendous look, "Since the movie is dubbed in French, I can't understand anything they're saying, but it's just amusing to listen to them talk. Also, horror films have hilariously stupid characters. Do you want an earphone?"  
  
"No thanks. I'm good", I refused, the assistant concertmistress sporting a pout towards the hesitant girl.  
  
"Mina can't handle horror", Sana persists to tease me.  
  
Eunha was surprised, "Really? I didn't expect—"  
  
"Shut up, Sana! I don't give a crap about scary films", I snagged Eunha's earphones and plugged in the jack to the receiver. 

**[Six Hours Left]**

Three-fourths through the film, I found that my fingers had gravitated towards Sana's warm hand, gripping it tightly. The overhead lights in begin to dim as the airplane prepares to cross into a different time zone. Eunha had somehow conked out halfway. The movie is reaching its climax and frail-hearted heroine Christina is starting to hear eerie noises. I'm only wearing one earphone (left ear) yet I could perceive each and every sound emitted by the villian, from the heavy footsteps pounding on the squeaky wooden floor below. The fear sits on me like a pillow over my mouth. Adrenaline is stimulating my nervous system, making my heart beat faster, diverting blood to my muscles and away from my gut.  
  
"Mina", Sana's face looked pale, "You're squeezing my hand too tight."  
  
I was freaking out, "I-I-I-Is there a jump scare?"  
,  
"I don't know. I've never watched this movie befo—"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
There goes that jump scare, where Christina's supposedly "dead" husband jolts up from the tub he was drowned in. Tears began to well up in my eyes and I buried my head in Sana's chest. In return Sana was in shock, slowly rubbing my head in an attempt to calm me down. _Goddammit, Mina. Stop acting so tough._  Eunha woke up from her power nap and laughed at what she called "an adorable display" between me and Sana. Chaeyoung is still asleep, of course. I mean, she's deaf so there's no possible way to wake her up unless the airplane undergoes heavy tumult.   
  
Then Dahyun removed her ridiculous-looking eyemask and glared at me, "Jesus, Mina!"  
  
"I told you that you couldn't handle horror films", Sana chides, still patting my head. I hate it when Sana is right.  
  
Dahyun couldn't go back to sleep anymore, so she used the time to whip up a conversation, "Is it true that you two kissed at The Ball?"  
  
"What the f—" I stared at the double bassist, "Who told you?"  
  
Tzuyu abruptly opened her eyes after a long siesta, "We saw you two, but we just didn't say anything because we didn't want to ruin the moment. The balcony that you two were dancing on was located adjacent to the restroom where I regurgitated a foul-tasting baklava."  
  
"First you kissed Chaeyoung, then you kissed Sana?" Nayeon inquires, jealousy stained on her face, "Why are you attracting more girls than me?"  
  
"Nayeon, this isn't what it sounds li—"  
  
Momo yelps, "Mina, you player!"  
  
"HEY!" I threatened to slap the violinist with the airplane's safety pamplet, but she's sitting near the window so I can't reach her.  
  
"Mina and I are absolutely  _not_ dating. And besides, if Mina's parents catch her dating somebody of the _same sex_ as her then she's going to be denounced", Sana clears up coolly, removing her hand from my grasp and throwing her pillow behind her head as she tries to sleep.  
  
" _Sure_ ", Dahyun drawls out her words, fiddling with her eyemask, "You can't just kiss someone and say that you're not dating them."  
  
The timpanist shoots teasing eyes at the shorter girl, "But you kiss your double bass goodnight. Does that mean that you're dating your double bass?"  
  
"Jeongyeon, shut up!" Dahyun shouted, abashed.  
  
"Are you cheating on me, Dubu?" Tzuyu jokingly puts on a sad face.  
  
Dahyun's face was flushed with a hue of beet red, "STOP!"

**[Five Hours Left]**

For once in my life, Jeongyeon had removed me from being engaged in a disconcerting topic instead of putting me on the spotlight and embarrassing the crap out of me. Instead, she put herself in the middle of a bickering circle with Dahyun, Tzuyu, and somehow a wide-awake Eunha, who could absorb the yak of any juicy gossip. I exhaled some air and averted my eyes to the time counter on the screen in front of me: Five more hours. By the time our plane would land in Paris, it would be past midnight on a Tuesday. I didn't get much sleep at all throughout this eight-hour flight, so I felt reassured that I would get some more sleep at the hotel; I could comfortably adjust to the different time zone.   
  
I found it amazing how long Chaeyoung could sleep through prevalent distractions like Eunha getting up from her seat and stepping over her to use the bathroom, or when the plane would hit turbulence and everyone in the cabin would begin rocking back and forth. I could recall her complacently settling into her chair and knocking out, especially right before the flight attendant could even demonstrate to passengers how to wear a life jacket in the event where we get tangled up in a storm and crash into the ocean. The startling innocence showed on Chaeyoung's sleeping face, the peaceful and serene dreams blocking out the dangers of the cruel reality. Her soft breathing made the world seem to stand still.  
  
"Chaeyoung is so cute when she sleeps", Sana whispered over to me.  
  
"You're right. I wish I could sleep that peacefully", I say. I wonder how Chaeyoung would react had I complimented her that way.

_“By the way, I’m Chaeyoung. Son Chaeyoung. I’ve become a big fan of you.”_

"Hey Sana", I called.  
  
The blonde girl removed her headset, "Huh?"  
  
"Why does, or more accurately _did_ , Chaeyoung look up to me before?" I questioned out of curiosity, "What did I do to make her a fan of mine?"  
  
Sana sat up in her chair and jovially explained, head up in the clouds as if she were peering with nostalgia, "When Chaeyoung wasn't completely deaf back then, she told me this: in the first few competitions with you, she saw you as cocky and indignant. But then you played some kind of piece — can't remember the name — that made Chaeyoung like you, or at least your playing style. Becoming a fan is not an instant reaction, it usually comes from various exposures of the experience of liking something. So the more she heard you perform, the more she became absorbed. And then she learned about your sincerity, like how you defended her when Reina and the others began picking on her. She was stumped."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"It's kind of like when a girl becomes attracted to a K-pop idol who also happens to be a remarkable main vocalist that can connect with their fans", Jihyo adds as she takes the unoccupied seat of Eunha, who flocked to Jackson Wang to reconcile with him.  
  
Sana cleared her throat and continued, "The peak of her fangirling came when you were older and you became better at expressing yourself through your music. Like for example,   _The Black Swan_ written by Seo Joohyun. I think that we can all agree that _The Black Swan_ was one of your most sensational performances. You performed that piece when Chaeyoung had lost ninety-percent of her hearing and felt that she had no hope because she thought that she could never play an instrument again. Normally, you give out crystal-clear performances that highlight your attention to detail. But when you express your feelings the same way that you did in _The Black Swan_ , it reminded us that you're also a human being with your own struggles. As imperfect people, it gives us hope that we can all overcome obstacles and strive for success for doing what we love. Chaeyoung learned how experience hearing music in a way that helped her to continue to make music when her physical hearing failed."   
  
"Chaeyoung, Sana, and I watched your BBC Proms performance on TV. The song was about pain and you showed your true emotions on that day. It left the three of us floored. Chaeng especially, as she couldn't shake off the experience", Jihyo expressed with a heartfelt look on her face.  
  
"Whenever I perform, I think of you in  _The Black Swan_. Chaeyoung does too", Sana giggled, "Believe it or not, I'm still playing music because of you."  
  
"Me too", Jihyo concurred.  
  
"Me too", Eunha and Yerin joined in.  
  
"Me too", Nayeon, Dahyun, Jeongyeon, Momo, and Tzuyu sang in unison.  
  
"Me too!" Umji, Yuju, and Sowon shouted from the rear end of the cabin.  
  
"You gave all of us hope, Mina", SinB, who was sitting in the aisle behind us, smiled at me.  
  
I flinched upon the hearing of their homage, fighting not to run and hide from the seemingly generous girls. Other than the acclaim I have received from critics and professors, I still wasn’t used to being praised for my music by my friends, especially by those who are around my age. These were positive reinforcements that I would never hear from my parents nor The Six, except perhaps Shuuka Fujii on occassion. Puffing out small spurts of air, I couldn't help but let my anxiety do the bidding as I erupted into a cornucopia of tears that streamed down my face.  
  
"Y-You guys... what the hell?" my voice came out throaty as I tried not to choke on my tears, "S-Stop it."  
  
"Oh no!" Sana was alarmed, "Mina is crying! What should we do?"  
  
"Hey, No Jams. I think now is the time to bring out the _hug attack_ ", Jihyo grinned at the timpanist.  
  
I wipe away the tears with my sleeve, "The what?"  
  
"EVERYONE, LATCH ON TO MINA!" Jeongyeon announces at the top of her lungs.  
  
"WAIT—"  
  
The 'hug attack' was a mess. All at once, thirteen girls had given up on respecting personal space and clung onto whatever part of my body they could see with the naked eye. The sensation of having them clinch every ounce of your skin was like being invaded by an octopus or being constricted by a snake. It started with girls embracing my arms around my upper body (Jihyo and Sana), then my torso (Tzuyu), then my legs (Eunha and Dahyun), then my arms (SinB and Yerin), and lastly, my head (Sowon). Those who could not reach me had to push and climb over each other.  
  
"It's so cramped down here!" Tzuyu cried out.  
  
"Chewy, move your fat butt! I can't reach Mina!" Momo smacked the cellist's bottom.  
  
"Yah! You've touched Mina for long enough! It's my turn!" Yuju was yanking Eunha's arm.  
  
I can't breathe and I'm sweating from all the body heat that's emanating off my friends. But I can't help but just bask in the feeling of having a bunch of dorks, who are simultaneously morale boosters, radiate their love. The excessive hugging lasts until the plane hits turbulence and the flight attendants demanded that my friends shut up and return to their seats.

**[Four Hours Left]**

Everyone is asleep. It looks almost as if a mythical spell had washed over the passengers and rendered them drowsy and lethargic. I was relieved; I could finally wear my earplugs now that I don't have the obligation to talk to anybody.  
  
Without notice, a slight whimper caught my left ear accompanied with the sound of body friction against the seat cushions. I jerked my heads at the small figure who had her eyelids half-open, the exploding stream of the cabin’s lights piercing her irritated eyes as she props her arm over her exposed face. Whenever Chaeyoung would awakened, she would pose an expressionless face before letting out a moan at the sun’s devilish light. But for a change, as she tiredly rubbed her eyes in an attempt to adjust herself, she beamed a a pleasant smile when we came into eye contact.  
  
" _Good morning",_ Chaeyoung gesticulated.  
  
" _More like good night_ ", I chortled and the percussionist had to smile at that, " _Four more hours into our flight. We're still over the Atlantic Ocean."_  
  
She lilted her head, " _You look like you're in a good mood._ "  
  
" _Hey, Chaeng_ ", I began, " _Is it true that my music had a big impact on you?"_  
  
The shorter girl's expression switched to astonishment, " _Who told you that?_ "  
  
" _Sana did_ ", I revealed.  
  
Chaeyoung sighed, leaning back and resting her feet on the back of someone else's chair, _"Yes, it's true. I just didn't want to tell you in fear of instilling a 'crazy-fangirl-type' of first **impression** on you. I hope you still don't think that I'm weird for saying that."  
  
"I don't think that's weird."_  
  
She felt relieved, " _Oh, thank goodness."_  
  
Seeing that we had a few more hours until arrival, Chaeyoung came up with this plan that we would sleep for the remaining four hours of the flight so that when we landed in Paris at around 1:00 a.m., we’d be wide awake and ready to unload our luggage and our instruments before passing out at the hotel. After our conversation, Chaeyoung signaled me to ingest the sleeping pill. The percussionist zonked out within seconds. For me, the sleeping pills didn't come into effect as fast as it did to Chaeyoung. I studied the winter festival pieces for about an hour, practicing my fingering on my pillow as if it were my actual instrument. Then I finally fell into a deep slumber.

* * *

**The Eightieth Measure**

Tuesday: December 21, 2020  
  
"THIS IS A HOTEL?" Sana's eyes gawked at the colossal building that simulated more of royalty rather than casualty.  
  
"Ohohoho! Just wait until you get inside!", Maestro Ishii’s eyes lit up at the amazed horn player's reaction.  
  
"Inside?"  
  
Members of The Juilliard Orchestra, The Juilliard Pops Orchestra, The New York Philharmonic, and The Berlin Philharmonic were arranged to stay at the Plaza Athénée, a five-star historic luxury hotel located in front of the iconic Eiffel Tower and the famous street of Champs-Élysées -- a byway notable for its numerous cinemas, cafes, luxury specialty shops, and the implementation of the Place de la Concorde and the eminent structure of the Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile. Everyone was placed into rooms of four people of the same gender (Those who identify otherwise were allowed to make preparations with the festival committee). Maestro Gilbert and Maestro Ishii gave each person a chart listed specifying lodging assignments. Three days before we left for Paris, everyone had to fill out a form that consisted of a ranking specifying whom we each wanted as our roommates, whether or not we chose people from the same orchestra.  
  
All I know for sure is that Momo, Jeongyeon, Tzuyu, and Dahyun are situated in the room across from us and that Nayeon, Jihyo, Eunha, and Sowon are situated in the room next to us. Reina, Yuzuna, Shuuka, and Karen had a room on a different floor, which eased in my mind to say the least. As for my parents, I’m not so sure about where they are and it slightly worries me that they could just pop up at any given second without warning.  
  
With both Juilliard Orchestra and Juilliard Pops Orchestra member rosters combined, there are an odd number of students. Therefore, it leaves the exception of a five-person bedroom consisting of me, Sana, Chaeyoung, Yerin, and SinB.  
  
And indeed, Maestro Ishii wasn’t kidding about the interior.  
  
Beyond the ornate staircase leading up to the decorative double doors, the hotel's internal furnishings highpoint the twentieth-century French sophistication with lavish marble floors, gigantic crystal chandeliers that seemed like white stars shining in the golden sky (Or rather the ceiling), and hand-carved sculptures proudly standing on granite podiums and ionic columns. In the lobby, a majestic stairway leads up to suites that are also irradiated by marvelous chandeliers dangling from the tremendous stucco ceilings.  
  
"Oh my..." SinB covered her mouth with her hand in awe and splendor at the elegant interior of the ritzy hotel.   
  
Yerin turned at Maestro Ishii to ask her a question, "Are you sure that this isn’t scam?"  
  
"Of course not!" she laughed at her bizarre observation, "The festival committee paid for our expenses. We’re residing here until after New Year's.”  
  
" _Man... they must be rich to afford rooms for all of us_ ", Chaeyoung gestured to me as she placed her exhausted bum on one of the red velvety chairs. For the percussionist, whose family is of the working class, this would probably be her only chance to dwell in a hotel as extravagant as this.  
  
Sana Minatozaki — sporting more mature clothes than she did on a daily basis — didn't really have a say for this bountiful, extravagant residence as she entered the lobby, feeling like she was replaying a hallucinatory scene from _Cinderella._ She waltzed around the hotel, forgoing herself in all its tangible beauty: from the captivating French paintings of their country's enrapturing scenery, to the gold Neoclassical Louis XVI Style Chairs and the enticing fountain in the centre. With the bonus of the hotel staff's fluent English, this hotel was nothing short of fit for a majesty.  
  
“Your girlfriend is so cute when she's _this_ excited”, Eunha banters at me.  
  
My face felt hot, “Sana isn’t my girlfriend, goddammit!”  
  
As we waited to get sent off to our rooms and the Juilliard Orchestra members grew more impatient and irritated, Maestro Ishii’s eyes skimmed over the roster sheet one more time before pinpointing that someone was missing, “Has anybody seen Dahyun and Tzuyu?”  
  
Jeongyeon whips out her phone, “Tzuyu sent me a text saying that she and Dahyun had—”  
  
Momo points with her finger, "Look! A walking double bass!"  
  
“Beep! Beep! Coming through!” Dahyun sprints through a wave of musicians with her instrument case on her back, shoving people aside and knocking down smaller cases in her wake. From bystanders above, the comical girl looked like a walking double bass with legs, as her giant case obstructed the rest of her tiny body. Tzuyu, sensitively and skillfully handling her cello case, calmly walked behind her frenetic girlfriend.  
  
“Where the hell were you two?” Jeongyeon sternly folds her arms.  
  
Dahyun was panting, the incredible weight of her double bass bringing the shorter girl on her knees, “Some… Some jackass tried to kidnap my double bass! Tzuyu had to call the police and explain the entire situation in broken French.”   
  
I can heavily sympathesize with Dahyun right now. I would still have nightmares about my bassoon getting stolen just like that one time in the New York City metro. That's why I kept my case under my feet instead of inside the airplane's stowage area piled with other random luggage.  
  
“Well, at least you and your instrument are safe”, Maestro Ishii declares, "Okay, I guess that's everybody. You may all go to your assigned rooms."  
  
Yerin and SinB immediately plopped onto the refined, aristocratic canopy beds, disregarding that fact that they could’ve taken an adequate shower beforehand. To tell you the truth, I wasn't so much in the mood to stay up late because a throbbing headache remained as I waited for my luggage at the carousel.  I dropped off my belongings by my bedside and plopped onto the sheets, still in my winter coat and black leggings. I could care less about what Sana and Chaeyoung decided to do at this late hour. It doesn't take sound for those two to communicate using sign language.  
  
The five of us woke up at twelve thirty in the Parisian afternoon.  
  
Maestro Ishii announced that there would be no Pops Orchestra rehearsals. In her words, she wanted the Pops Orchestra members to use the afternoon to adjust to the new environment and take in the sights of the city of romance. SinB and Yerin took the liberty to go on a Parisian food tour as their date, showing off their sumptuous meals to the world through their Snapchat and Instagram posts. Momo would be envious.  
  
Adversely, me and Sana and Chaeyoung weren't so lucky to have that privilege. Maestro Gilbert ordered the Juilliard Orchestra members to turn up to rehearsals at one o'clock sharp at the Palais Garnier, a 2000-seat opera house and one of the festival venues located in the ninth arrondissement of Paris. Taking breaks was a concept foreign to him and he has no choice but to crunch time, as he has to oversee NY Phil rehearsals tonight. With the day of our performance around the corner, The Juilliard Orchestra needs to kick in a couple more practice sessions before the Christmas Eve Ball sponsored by the festival committee as well as the French Government’s Ministry of Culture and Communication.   
  
Another ball. Yippee (Note the sarcasm).  
  
After two hour's worth of practicing Ravel’s concerto with Seohyun and the first movement of Sibelius Five, Concertmaster Kai called for a ten-minute break in which Seohyun left to talk to a friend who was outside. Chaeyoung had her small, drained figure sprawled all over the prosperous stage floors, puffing out an exasperated sigh as she let her mallets fall on top of her palpitating chest. Because the Juilliard Orchestra’s timpanist couldn’t make amends for our trip, Chaeyoung was given the arduous task of filling in for his place and learning how to play the timpani in three weeks. It baffles my mind why principal percussionist Himchan could’ve just taken his place or why that timpanist didn’t sacrifice some time to teach Chaeyoung the logistics of the timpani. She did have some knowledge about the instrument since she had to play it for her Juilliard auditions and juries, but other than that, most of the skills that she picked up were taught by Jeongyeon in between Pops Orchestra breaks and weekends.   
  
I heard Sana's footsteps skip over to Chaeyoung's side, her gleaming French horn dangling in one hand as she flashed a water bottle in front of the percussionist's startled eyes with the other hand. I have to admit that Sana's horn is very pleasing to look at, especially with all its embellishments.  
  
"Drink this!", it's as if Sana had teleported to my section, "You must be drained, seeing that this is our first practice session after a long flight."  
  
"Oh! Thanks", I said as I received the water bottle from the horn player.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Tired", I answered, removing my earplugs, "The lost of sensitivity from these earplugs are off-putting."  
  
Sana nodded, acquiring the finished water bottle from my hands, "That makes sense, considering that Dr. McIntosh is now having you wear hearing protection during rehearsals. I’m glad to hear that you’re not lingering on the fact that you completely lost all of your hearing in your right ear. Sitting in front of the trumpets and the trombones must be a real pain to your brain. _Especially the trombones_."  
  
Speaking of trombones...  
  
From the corner of my eye, a female bass trombonist, who was probably the same height as Chaeyoung, appeared from the sidelines and walked up to Maestro Gilbert. Her caramel brown hair had curls that fell into silky locks over the young woman's face and her instrument. Brass players and other hardcore musicians in the orchestra immediately bounced off their seats to gaze at this girl with awe and recognition. _Who is this chick?_  
  
"Oh my god! Sana?" and just like the horn player, the girl also had a high-pitched voice.  
  
Sana notices that familiar voice and eagerly runs up to the shorter girl, "Sunny? Is that you?"  
  
Oh, so her name is Sunny.  
  
"Jesus, you look so mature now!" her large eyes survey the blonde girl's figure. It felt a little outlandish to see how tall Sana is compared to Sunny.   
  
Sunny had also pointed out an aspect of Sana that I've premeditated on. Ever since The Juilliard Ball, Sana's attire took a 180° degree turn. She looks stunning in a shimmering, chic ornamented black dress which consisted of one loose long sleeve on the one arm and sleeveless on the other, showing that the one shoulder style is elegant and modest. The chest is designed without any embroidery and the bodice is fitted and smooth with gentle pleats, showing her perfect charming waistline. She's also wearing black Idalia evening pumps — looks like something I would wear.  
  
Wait. Is Sana wearing clothes from _my_ wardrobe?  
  
"Hey, Mina! Come down here and meet my colleague!" Sana hollers from the forestage.  
  
"Oh shit. Mina?" It amazes me how Sunny could even recognize my name, "You're the bassoon prodigy whose parents are members of the New York Philharmonic. I freaking loved your performance of _The Black Swan_  at the BBC Proms. Kwon Yuri and I couldn't stop raving about it."  
  
My mouth gapes open, "You know who Kwon Yuri is?"  
  
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sunny let out a hearty laugh that could rebound off each and every surface of the auditorium, "What kind of silly question is that? Kwon Yuri is the principal clarinetist of the London Symphony Orchestra and also my cousin."  
  
_Her cousin?_  
  
"We both know who Yoona is too", Sana brings up randomly, even though I didn't ask about Yoona.  
  
"Yoona is Yuri's late girlfriend", Sunny adds.  
  
_What?_  
  
I don't know what to say anymore. I can't believe that for two out of the three years I've been a member of the Juilliard Orchestra, I was sitting next to the famed horn player's _girlfriend_ who is now a tenured member of the reputable London Symphony Orchestra.   
  
"Breaktime is over!" Maestro Gilbert announces as the other musicians quickly scurried back to their seat, avoiding to be marked absent by the hawk-eyed Concertmaster, "We're going to practice Sibelius. I just talked to Sunny Lee, the bass trombonist of the Berlin Philharmonic. According her, their chief conductor needs this practice space as soon as possible so we need to move quick. After rehearsals, members from our orchestra and the Pops Orchestra will be taking masterclasses from musiciansof L'Orchestre National de France (The National Orchestra of France)."  
  
_WHAT?_  
  
Sunny is a member of the Berlin Philharmonic — the top-ranked orchestra in the world. I think I've had my mind blown enough times in one day.

* * *

**The Eighty-First Measure**

Circumstances have changed in these past few hours.  
  
Masterclasses ended at around 7 p.m. and being wind instrumentalists, Sana and I haven't eaten anything in eight hours. The Eiffel Tower was located relatively close to our hotel and SinB insisted on treating me, Sana, Chaeyoung, and Yerin to the restaurant there.  
  
The Eiffel Tower was built by Gustave Eiffel for the 1889 Exposition Universal, which was to celebrate the hundreth year anniversary of the French Revolution. Its construction in two years, two months and five days was absolutely procedural and it became an architectural achievement. A figure of industrial ability, at the end of the ninteenth Century, it was a demonstration of French engineering embodied by Gustave Eiffel, and a crucial moment of the industrial era. It was met instantaneously with an incredible accomplishment. The Tower also represents the magic of light. Its lighting, its sparkling lights, and its beacon shine and inspire dreams every evening. Over the decades, the Eiffel Tower has seen remarkable achievements, extraordinary light shows, and prestigious visitors. A mythical and audacious site, it has always inspired artists and challenges.  
  
"So who's taking the stairs and who's riding the elevator?" Sana eagerly asked, gazing up at the cyclopean structure of the Effiel Tower, "Given this long line for the elevator, someone needs to go ahead so that we can reserve tables at the restaurant. I'm using the stairs. How about you guys?"  
  
"Sorry, but I have to use the elevator", SinB apologetically smiled, considering the health complications that arose with her eating disorder.  
  
"Same here", Yerin added, "I have SinB's medicine so I have to watch over her. How about Chaeyoung?"  
  
I translate the question to the percussionist Chaeyoung flashed an innocent smile at the older girl, shuffling her feet on the concrete floor as comes up with a valid excuse to avoid the tremendous among of stairs, " _Sorry Sana. I’m a little exhausted._ "  
  
"Oh... I guess I'll have to take Mina with me!" Sana declared, snatching my surprised wrist with her hand's tight grip.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Dr. McIntosh said that you needed exercise!" she proceeds to remind me.  
  
"Give me a break!" I whined, "I just came back from a bassoon masterclass and my lungs are empty!"  
  
At that instant, I learned that the horn player has the vital capacity of a racehorse. Sana had to drag me up a hundred flights of stairs in an attempt to get me off my dog-tired ass (I’m wearing heels too). Yerin and Chaeyoung were laughing massively at my resistance as I resorted to kicking and screaming, but my feeble self was too weak to surpass Sana's able-bodied demeanor. She carried me halfway up the first few flights of stairs before letting the me trail her own route. I had qualms about wanting to go back down, but after seeing the humongous line formed at the bottom of the elevator's ticket line, I realized that waiting outside in the frigid cold for several hours would be more excruciating.  
  
I reached the second floor and I wanted to collapse onto the ground. Sana and the others had found a table for five.  
  
After we were seated, a female waitress with bouncy auburn curls approached our table, her English sounding as fluent as a native Brit as she takes our order with a strong French accent, "Would you like to start off with one of our signature wines?"  
  
"Sorry but we're underage", I shook my head.  
  
"Oh no, no, no, no! I assume that you're all tourists", She giggled in her high-pitched voice, "You see darling, the legal drinking age in France is eighteen. I looked at your friend’s credit card identification and asked her for all of your ages. You girls seem to be well over the age of legality."  
  
"Okay, then!" Sana excitedly began without taking a minute to consider the situation, "I'll have the— OUCH!"  
  
I nudged her rib, "We are NOT using SinB's money on alcohol."  
  
"Oh", Sana dumbfoundedly said, "Then just give us a drink of your recommendation."  
  
"As you wish, madame", The waitress leaves with a flourish.  
  
The Le Jules Verne is a restaurant located one of the uppermost floors of the Eiffel tower, offering a spectacular view of the sixteenth arrondissement, one of the warmest and most intimate dining rooms of the capital, the plate a reflection of French culinary heritage with a hint of contemporary touch, and attentive service. It was no wonder why SinB recommended one of the most fine dining places in Paris; it is the most beautiful place in Paris to enjoy all the pleasures of state-of-the-art French cuisine. Also, the ambiance is very calm and warm. My ears were at ease.  
  
Sana was the first person to notice that something, or rather someone, was off, "What happened during your masterclass?"    
  
Hwang Eunbi heaved a solem sigh, taking a peek out the window to catch a glimpse of the view below. The normally-upbeat girl had her distracted gaze staring off into the endless sky, almost as if she were stuck in some space-time continuum of melancholy.  
  
"Yerin got chewed out during the bassoon masterclass", SinB responded.  
  
Now I remember.  
  
**\----  
  
[Flashback to a few hours ago]  
  
"Mademoiselle. Did you even take one minute to look at the score before coming here?" piercing blue eyes met with a shuddering Yerin.  
  
Masterclasses for the Juilliard students took place at the Conservatoire de Paris. Christian Fortineau — thirty-something year-old principal bassoonist of The National Orchestra of France and an alumni of the conservatory — was supervising me, Mingyu, Joshua, Vernon, Jun, Yerin, SinB, Mark, and Junior. In the event of a masterclass, students are expected to prepare an excerpt from a concerto or an orchestral piece to perform in front of the "master", typically a renowned soloist or a member of an esteemed ensemble.  
  
Luckily, all nine of us had been informed of this masterclass four weeks before our arrival in Paris. We would be performing the famously challenging bassoon passages of the fourth and fifth movements of Berlioz's _Symphonie Fantastique_. Professor Fortineau decided to relay the passages back-to-back in two groups of five — first an ensemble with me, Mingyu, Joshua, Vernon, and Jun (The Juilliard Orchestra lineup); then a second ensemble with me again, Yerin, Junior, SinB, and Mark (The Pops Orchestra lineup). In the end, he would scrutinize both groups and make meticulous comparisons. Because I was in both groups, I had to play the first bassoon part repeatedly.  
  
And of course, the first group that I played in (The Juilliard Orchestra group) functioned better — a LOT better.  
  
Playing in the second group (The Pops Orchestra group) was physically and mentally taxing because the four bassoonists were met with many errors and holding back the first group, who was itching to leave as soon as possible. Among the second group, Yerin made the most mistakes and it was a fact that I could not grasp because she is probably the best bassoonist among the fourth years at Juilliard.   
  
"Your tonguing and articulation are as aggravating as a machine gun, and I'm not even saying that as a compliment", Professor Fortineau continues to chide the poor girl with his thick French accent and it's making me sick to my core.   
  
"I'm sorry", Yerin said in a low voice.  
  
Then he switched his gaze to me, "Mina?"  
  
"Heh?"  
  
"Can you demonstrate for your friend how to play this section _correctly_?"  
  
My stomach drops. He's trying to compare me with Yerin.  
  
"Okay", I comply, licking my lips and properly filling my lungs with air. I abandon all looming anxiety that has built up in my brain and fixate on inhaling slowly and regularly through my nose, letting my breathwork weave through difficult passages and my fingers glide throughout the keys and fingerholes like a well-oiled machine. I play by instinct; I don't have to rely on what is imprinted on the score.  
  
"Spectacular", I opened my eyes and Professor Fortineau was applauding me, "Beautiful trills, very good air control, consideration of the dynamics, and awareness to what the composer is trying to convey. This is how Berlioz would want to hear this passage."  
  
"I'm sorry", Yerin said in a low voice, "I'm just a little tired."  
  
His patience was timing out, "Don't tell me that you're tired. Mina has to play with both groups and she's still alive."  
  
"But I'm not Mina! I'm not a prodigy nor a virtuoso!" she cried, "I don't have her expensive Heckel bassoon, or her expertly-crafted reeds, or her dextrous fingers, or her precise articulations, or her immaculate technique, or her impeccable stamina, nor her beautiful, singing tone color!"  
  
"Then why are you even at Juilliard?"  
  
That question hit the very core of my heart, just as solid as it did to the other bassoonists in the room.   
  
"Umm... excuse me for a minute", Professor Fortineau seemed remorseful after spurting out a dire question to the destitute girl, resting his instrument on his stand and standing up from his seat, "I'm going to leave to get a cup of coffee."  
  
An uncomfortable silence lingered in the air as we were left in the room to sort out our feelings. I wasn't sure about what to do except gape at the overwrought girl in shock. Mingyu and Joshua decided to leave the tension and escape to the hallway. SinB immediately abandoned her bassoon and had Yerin dig her distressed head in her chest, ** **comforting the disconsolate girl as she whispered words of assurance in her ears.  
  
"It's okay", SinB softly spoke, patting her girlfriend's head, "You're a wonderful person. Don't let that jackass tell you otherwise."  
  
"You know what? Professor Fortineau is right", Jun turns to the older girl, his baritone voice as harsh and clear-cut as the wind outside, "Why are you at Juilliard if you can't even get past the basics and put in the hard work to solidify your craft? You're just here like a sitting duck, acting as a waste of space to the other hundreds of bassoonists in the world itching to take your place."  
  
"That's too cruel! It's not Yerin's fault!" SinB promptly defended, "And besides, she's a great musician! She just doesn't have the time to practice because she's working three part-time jobs to just attend this school. Do you not have any respect?"  
  
"Yerin is the eldest student in this room", Vernon opposed, "A girl who is older than me shouldn't be playing like shit after four years. How am I supposed to respect her if she can't even amount to the same level as Mina? Or heck, even me or Mingyu or Joshua or Jun?"  
  
"Well, I'm sorry that we can't all be privileged like you dickbutts", Mark retorted.  
  
"You think that I'm privileged?" Vernon raised an eyebrow, having a staredown with the contending contrabassoonist, "Joshua and I grew up on the wrong side of Brooklyn and had to flip hamburgers at In-N-Out to make a living. I'm a self-taught musician. I didn't have any private teachers pull my ass out of bed and get me to practice. I'm at Juilliard because I worked my ass off to get here. I only sleep for four hours or less every day. Musicians who play at her caliber are never going to succeed. I think that Yerin should think about quitting while it's not too late."  
  
_Quitting?_  ** **I was pissed, steam pouring out of my ears as tears continued to dribble down Yerin's face.**  
  
**"How. Fucking. Dare. You?" I hissed and it scares my Juilliard Orchestra section mates.  
  
"What?" Vernon is surprised at my sudden anger towards him.  
  
"I bet that you've never spent a single day with Yerin in your life", I reprimanded as a section leader, "How can you say that you work harder than her if you've never seen her play outside of this masterclass? I rehearse with her everyday and she's always dedicated to improving herself and assisting others. Yerin even takes time out of her own sleeping schedule to help SinB when I'm not available."  
  
Vernon tried to open his mouth for a protest, "But—"  
  
"And I haven't forgotten about the day you left work early and made Shuuka bring over my meal to my table when it was _your_ job to do it."  
  
"I'm in the same year as Yerin and she's not entirely consistent in her playing", Jun argues back.  
  
"I'm not perfect either. I have off-days like this too", I made clear, "But the fact is that I'm here because I love music and I wouldn't trade my talents for the world. I have a drive to work because I'm passionate in what I do. If I have to fight, I'm going to fight for something that I love."**  
  
**I didn't realize how popular Sana was among the staff members until I heard one of the music theory professors, who is also SinB's father, talk about her. Sana wasn't the best horn player in the San Francisco Youth Symphony Orchestra, but he told me this: Sana is at Juilliard not only because she hit all the notes correctly in her audition pieces, but she has the love and imagination to shape her music to make her stand out.  
  
Chaeyoung auditoned for Juilliard at a time when she had lost most, if not all, of her hearing. Beethoven was also a composer who found that his hearing was depleting over time, yet he could hear music so clearly in his mind that there was almost no difference between physical sound and mental sound. Chaeyoung may not be the best percussionist at Juilliard and she still may be figuring out herself, but she upholds a sense of creativity, intellectual curiosity, and a desire to achieve. Those attributes were also a part of Beethoven in his journey to overcome his deafness.**  
  
**The people are Juilliard aren't all perfect either. Not everybody comes into Juilliard having exemplary skills that can amount to a professional. I know for a fact that drama majors can't make their public debut until their third year, but they persevere because they love the art and it shows when they finally get on that stage to showcase their skills. Everyone comes in excited to learn about what they can do to improve and take the next step to succeed. Not all of the students are entirely competitive because we're all learning about ourselves and from each other. If only my cousins can experience what really happens here, maybe they'd think twice before saying that "performing arts students don't work hard."**  
  
**Jun looked askance, "I don't want to fight but let's be real here. Passion and love alone aren't going to help her prosper."  
  
"And do you think that _you_ will prosper after you graduate?"  
  
That shut him up.  
  
"You told me to get real and I did", I smirked, folding my arms in all seriousness, "Say one more bad thing about Yerin or any of my friends and I'm going to kick you out of my section. And I'm not bluffing; I'm being _real_  here."**  
  
**\----**  
  
"I can't believe that Jun would say something like that", SinB exhaled, crossing her arms in unease, "I wanted to beat the shit out of him."  
  
"It's okay, babe. Mina is right. I'm not going to let a couple of douchebags determine my what I want for my future!" Yerin put on an optimistic face, pumping her fists. Her smile was so contagious that I found myself doing the same. _I'm proud of you, Yerin._ She elaborates on my actions to the group and complacent grins plays on all of their faces. Chaeyoung was sitting in and watching Sana translate our entire conversation to her.  
  
"God, Mina is so cool!" SinB squeals, "I would  _never_ be able to tell them off like that!"  
  
"I know right!" Yerin exclaims, "Mina was radiating with this  _coolness_ when she roasted Jun!"  
  
" _Mina is such a good friend_ ", Chaeyoung gesticulates.  
  
Enduring that stressful situation during the masterclass had me come to terms with something: Having to hide my hearing disability from my parents and getting to know the rest of the Pops Orchestra members made me check my privileges. Dahyun and Tzuyu have to live together in a small, crumbling apartment where there are days they don't even have electricity. Sana, Jeongyeon, Chaeyoung, Yerin, Choi Youngjae, and probably other people in the ensemble have to take up one or more part-time jobs just to live in New York City, which is also why they can't practice on weekends. Yerin _always_ has to borrow reeds from me because she never has time to make them.   
  
I never had to worry about not having money for school or living in general. I never had to worry about not being able to practice. I never had to worry about borrowing reeds from other people because I always had time to make them. Why am I so stupid for not noticing this earlier?  
  
"Mina?", Sana calls me back to reality.  
  
SinB, Yerin, and Chaeyoung finished their meals and decided to go to the uppermost floor of the Eiffel Tower, leaving Sana and I to work on our _foie gras_ and _fondue savoyarde_. SinB had already handed her credit card over to the waitress so that we wouldn't have to make a request for a bill.   
  
"I'm sorry for dragging you up the stairs with me. I guess I got a little too excited", Sana apologized, sinking in her chair, "After listening to what Yerin and SinB told me about your masterclass, I've come to the idea that you probably had such a tiring day."  
  
"I'm over it", I said, wanting to switch the topic as soon as possible, "So how did your masterclass go?"  
  
"Wonderful!" Sana exclaimed, delightfully sipping her non-alcoholic wine, "Jean-Pierre Bellecour is an amazing professor and horn player! We mostly played works of my favorite composer and specially noted my emotions while playing. I was starstruck!"  
  
"Your favorite composer?"  
  
"Richard Strauss."  
  
I rolled my eyes. Of course Sana's favorite composer would be _Strauss_  — the holy grail of horn literature. Sana continues to expound on the history and prophecy of _Don Juan_ ,  _Symphonia Domestica,_ and _Till Eulenspiegels lustige Streiche_ and it astounds me. Masterclasses played out much better for the horn section and much worse for the bassoon section, at least in a mental and physical sense.  
  
"Who's your favorite composer?" Sana asked.  
  
"I don't know", I never asked myself that question. I mean in my opinion, every composer has their fair share of good and bad works.  
  
"Haydn? Brahms? Debussy? Vivaldi?"  
  
"I _hate_ Vivaldi."  
  
"Really? The guy who wrote like, thirty-seven bassoon concerti?" The blonde girl chuckles, setting down her eating utensils, "Igor Stravinsky wasn't a fan of Vivaldi either. In his words, 'Vivaldi wrote only one concerto, but that one a hundred times'."   
  
I huffed, "I hate Stravinsky too."  
  
"HA HA HA!" Sana cackled in her chipmunk-like voice, nearly falling off her chair, "YOU'RE A BASSOONIST WHO HATES STRAVINSKY? HA HA HA HA!"  
  
"Shut your goddamn mouth!" I chided, planting my face in the palm of my hand.  
  
"But surely, there has to be a composer that you enjoy", she asserted, "What about Seohyun?"  
  
"I do like her works", I admitted, my mind rewinding back to the summer of 2019 when I had to perform _The Black Swan_ at the BBC Proms.  
  
"Did you know that it took Seohyun six months to write _The Black Swan_? It took her ten rough drafts before she could finally debut the composition", Sana brought up, twirling her fork in complete interest, "She began the project on the same day as my birthday."  
  
I blinked twice, "Your birthday?"  
  
Oh my goodness, Mina. Why would you ask that question?  
  
"MINA MYOUI, YOU DONKEY!" Sana proceeds to hit me with the dessert menu, her naturally loud and high voice ripping through the tranquilty of the establishment, "YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS!"  
  
"Then do you remember when my birthday is?" I challenged, taking a sip of some red wine. Sana dropped the menu in awe of my request.  
  
"Let's make a bet, then."  
  
"Fine", I hid a sly smile, lowering the glass from my lips, "If you're wrong, then you have to answer whatever question I throw at you."  
  
"And if I'm right, then you have to clean my French horn", she proclaims, "Inside and out."  
  
"Psh", I scoffed, "I clean my bassoon every day."  
  
"You've obviously never touched a brass instrument before", Sana sneers and it frightens me to some extent, "And your birthday is on March 24."  
  
"You're absolutely..." my head calls to a halt after realizing that the horn player had gotten the exact month and date "... right."

* * *

**The Eighty-Second Measure**

Wednesday: December 22, 2020  
  
Well I had fun cleaning Sana's horn today.  
  
Not.   
  
**\-----  
  
[A few hours ago]  
  
"What's all of this liquid leaking out of this thingy?" I asked Sana as warm, wet solvent falls onto my hand.  
  
She answered nonchalantly, "That's my saliva. And that 'thingy' is called a spit valve."  
  
"OH HELL NO!" I retracted my hand in repulse.  
  
\-----**  
  
" _So Mina ran to the bathroom and began washing her hands like what, a hundred times? She even changed into a new set of clothes!_ " she reiterates the entire story to Chaeyoung and I'm about to go ape-shit because the shorter girl is now laughing at me.  
  
Thank god she's using sign-language or else the public would be gaping at us with a flock of eyes.  
  
Chaeyoung has been wanting to venture outside of the seventh arrondissement since Maestro Ishii cancelled  _another_ rehearsal due to urgent reasons. Essentially, we're sitting on the steps leading up to the Palais Garnier in forty-degree farenheit (4.44 °C) weather, which isn't too bad considering that we've been accustomed to New York winters for so long. Sana and I have our instrument cases too so it's a relief that we don't have to deal with extremely snowy weather. Jeongyeon vowed to take care of Chaeyoung's temporary timpani mallets while we have our date.  
  
For a while, we thought about wandering around the ninth arrondiseement until coming to the realization that many of the flagship stores only offer products that are way beyond Sana and Chaeyoung's budget. Chaeyoung suggested that we migrate to the famous Louvre since it was only a twenty minute Uber ride from our stance. The percussionist had been stoked on visiting The Louvre since Maestro Gilbert announced that Paris would be our next concert destination. After all, it is the world's largest museum with over seventy-thousand pieces of art. Chaeyoung might not be able to revel in this feeling for a long time so might as well do it while the festival committee is giving the performers a bunch of benefits.  
  
In light of the Parisian Winter Music Festival, the museum directors decided to hold an exhibition featuring remnants of signature composers, including the supposed skull of Joseph Haydn and the risotto that Rossini waited for while writing his aria, Di Tanti Palpiti. Sana is more concerned about uncovering the secrets of Richard Strauss like the huge horn geek that she is.    
  
It hits me that Chaeyoung is a lot more cultured than I would have anticipated. Perhaps it's because her mother is a librarian and she reads too many music  & art history books during her work breaks. SinB might've once told me that Chaeyoung excelled above other second years in this subject matter, specifically when it came to the liberal arts courses that all Juilliard students are required to take at some point in their schooling.   
  
"Oh, it's Mina", I turned around to see Sunny waving at me. She motions me to come over.  
  
"H-Hi. Hello!" I panted after trudging to the shorter bass trombonist in four-inch heels.  
  
"I'm surprised that you're not freezing to death", Sunny sweeps her fringe-cut bangs from her face, pinpointing my cream-colored floral dress.  
  
"I mean, I grew up in New York."  
  
"Makes sense. I'm a Californian girl so sixty-degree weather is the death of me", Sunny chuckles and then she steals a glance at Chaeyoung, "You know, Chaeyoung is enthusiastic about stuff like this. When I was a member of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra and we'd tour to some richly historic place like Salzburg, Chaeyoung would elaborate on the history of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart or whatnot, almost as if she was my mundane music history professor from my college days. Chaeyoung isn't mundane, though. Those were the days when she could hear herself talk."  
  
"You were a member of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra?"  
  
"Of course", she nodded, "That's how I met Sana, Chaeyoung, and Jihyo."  
  
Now it makes sense why Sana has connections with people as eminent as Sunny.  
  
"Hey, can I ask you someth—"  
  
"Oh, shit! I'm going to be late for Berlin Philharmonic rehearsals", Sunny looked at her phone, "Wir sprechen uns bald!" (We'll talk later!)  
  
The Louvre closed early and the hundreds of thousands of visitors procceded to leave, moving on with their lives. We headed outside to a park nearby the museum, where despite the chilly weather, a vendor was selling decadent ice cream to young and old people alike. The wide-open field faced the Seine river, where ducklings rested in serenity under the elongated leaves of the willow trees, their slender branches hanging over the concrete edge. Chaeyoung couldn't help but laugh at the sight of two ducks fighting in front of her, not to mention that they closely resembled the ducks that could be seen at Central Park. Sana returns with three bowls of vanilla ice cream and I talk to her about my encounters at the Louvre.  
  
Her eyes grew big, "You ran into Sunny?"  
  
"Yeah, but I didn't get to talk to her for too long", I replied, lowering my ice cream spoon from my mouth.  
  
"Sunny will be at the Christmas Eve Ball with the rest of the musicians participating in the festival", Sana pipes up before she sought her own voice deteriorating into a low hum, "I'm assuming that since your parents will be at the occassion, we won't be able to dance together."  
  
I frowned, "I'm afraid so."   
  
"Oh ho ho! So you do want to dance with me!" Sana squeals with a teasing smile.  
  
"Sh-Shut up!" I retorted.  
  
Sana wasn't set on lazing around for too long, so we got up and continued our trek as soon as we finished our dessert. The Notre Dame de Paris wasn't far from us and Chaeyoung wanted to soak in as much of Paris's culture as she can before leaving. A brightly lit passage with ambrosial tiles leads us up to the front entrance. Moving forward into the passage, a quiet air loomed with the scent of burnt candles and the sound of chimes that could be heard at a substantial distance. The cathedral was desolate — a contrast with the white halo beaming from the brass sculpture on the central altar. And even more off-putting — a grand piano, _Steinway & Sons_ embedded in curling gold letters, in the center of all this holiness.  
  
"LOOK! A PIANO!" Chaeyoung suddenly cries out, impatiently sprinting to the black beauty sitting in the heart of the center stage inside the Notre Dame, basking under cherubic stained glass and stone. An amused nun sees the younger girl's curiosity and approaches her.  
  
_What has gotten into this girl?_  
  
Chaeyoung gestures with Sana, who translates Chaeyoung's request to the nun visiting the cathedral. The nun happily concedes their request and the percussionist sits herself on the piano bench, closing her eyes and picturing how the piece would sound in her head before replicating the melody with her fingers. Seeing Chaeyoung do this makes my heart skip a beat; it's like she's a reincarnation of Beethoven. And when she finally lays a finger on the ivory keys, she just lets herself immerse into the song and it's arrestingly beautiful to see her body flow with the music — so perfect, so graceful. Chaeyoung isn't bullshitting anything either. I recognize that melody anywhere — it's from the movie,  _Spirited Away_.  
  
That's right — [_Inochi no Namae_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plIeID_VVVg), or "The Name of Life." Miyazaki's collaborator, Joe Hisaichi, had decided to add lyrics to [_One Summer's Day_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1ni1sVCgEk) and coined the name _Inochi no Namae_ in which the vocals would be performed by pop singer and classical saxophonist, Ayaka Hirahara. Listening to the two talented musicians brought genuine tears to my eyes, giving me a nostalgic feeling — some mourning, some yearning, some joy.  
  
Sana comes in a minute later, her peaceful yet sonorous horn call was accented by Chaeyoung's nimble, eloquent fingers parading on the keys of the grand piano. Despite the lack of other backing instrumentals, I felt rather entertained by this capricious yet compelling duo. There was a sense of allurement that wafted throughout every crevice of the Notre Dame, soft and quiet tones raising to a heavenly crescendo in their song. Sana and Chaeyoung demonstrated melodiousness with their proficiency and keen heart for their respective instruments, their confidence growing with each passing chord. Before they could notice, younger nuns from the monasteries nearby begin to flock in through the entrance, itching to hear out the brightness of Sana's horn and the richness of Chaeyoung's piano playing. Every time their contrasting sounds interwine, they smile.  
  
As the duet finished their respective piece, I had the intuition to clap for their performance — an uncommon gesture that I exhibit outside of a formal concert. Sana gave Chaeyoung a high-five before trotting up to me in those pink pumps, her horn in one hand and my hand in her other.  
  
"You should play with us, Mina!" Sana drags me to the center stage before I could tear away in hesitation.  
  
I walk up to the eldest nun standing below the steps trailing up to the stage, "Is it okay?"  
  
"Of course, my dear. My husband, who is a part of the festival committee, described to me about how beautifully you played at the BBC Proms last year. The other nuns and I would be elated to hear your ethereal bassoon playing", the head nun grins, stroking a stray strand of my red hair.  
  
The smiles illuminating from the other nuns below and the head nun's kind composure spurs inspiration and courage within me. Determined not to lose my nerve, I sit down and straighten my case on my lap, assembling my instrument and warming up with a couple of scales. My lips feel stiff but it'll have to do. I glimpse at Sana and Chaeyoung, who nod to ensure my readiness. I do the same, swallowing hard and taking in a deep breath.  
  
And then we played, improvising to Chaeyoung's piano playing.  
  
**[A/N : If you'd like to read more on their trio, read the Bonus below!]**

* * *

**BONUS (Silent Night)**  
  
"Where the fuck are we?"   
  
For nearly four hours, SinB and Yerin had been taking the wrong trains and the wrong buses to get to their desired destination. At this rate, they must've well-traveled to all twenty _arrondissements_ , or administrative districts of Paris. They wanted to go to Disneyland Paris since it was on Yerin's "to-do list" and SinB knows that the working-stiff girl had never set foot on an amusement park before. Besides, taking Yerin to the "happiest place on earth" may alleviate her stress after having that scuffle with Jun and Vernon.  
  
"Maybe Disneyland has been behind our backs all along!" Yerin theorizes without thought.  
  
"I'm pretty damn sure that Disneyland wasn't built on top of a city, let alone behind a wall of graffiti", irritated by the obscure signs and unhelpful directions from Parisian passer-bys, SinB was nothing short of irked at the current situation.  
  
Behind them, a girl had brilliantly dark eyes glaring like a savage hawk. She absently twisted her cocoa brown hair with her bony fingers, flashes of her ravishing red nail polish showing through her silky strands. She stepped forward once again with her sleek legs gliding across the pavement in a red, silky shirt that hugged her hourglass figure, her toned legs accented by her skinny blue jeans and designer boots.  
  
"Oh, look. It's the Gays!" she exclaimed in her pitchy voice.  
  
SinB raised an eyebrow at that nickname, "Who the heck are you and how do you know us?"  
  
"I know every bassoonist at Juilliard, especially the famous lesbian _fagott_ couple", she chuckled, "And my name is Jennie. I've lived in Europe long enough to know that Disneyland Paris is not exactly _in Paris_. You'll have to take two trains from here to get to Marne-La-Vallée, where the park is located."  
  
"Three buses? Are you fucking kidding me?" SinB stomped her foot.  
  
"Let's just go on another day!" Yerin happily insisted, "We probably won't have time to enjoy the park since it's almost 5 o'clock in the evening. Also, if we go after the festival is over, we don't have to worry about arriving back on time for rehearsals because we won't have any."  
  
"You're right", SinB recognized, "Let's just get back to the hotel."  
  
"If we even know how to get home", Yerin quirked.  
  
"Goddammit", SinB grunted.  
  
"I can help you guys get back", Jennie offers, "Right now, we're in the first arrondissement and we need to get out of here before nightttime."  
  
Yerin cocked her head, "Why?"  
  
"The first arrondissement isn't exactly the safest district in Paris, especially at night when pickpockets, crack dealers, beggars, and women harassers come out. Also judging by one's clothing, SinB appears to look like a rich kid so she'd be a perfect target", Jennie elaborates and it spooks the two girls, both of whom have never been anywhere outside of the state of South Carolina, nor the cities of New York City and London.   
  
The two girls walk behind Jennie, who leads them past the Seine River. Yerin heaved an enthusiastic sigh, gaping at a deluge of cascading waters troppling over the edge of a limestone bridge. At night, the river would magnify the city lights to simulate a bokeh effect. Every old-fashioned building is ignited with thousands of rich, vibrant Christmas lights and they hover over the three girls with an warm feeling.  
  
"Do you guys hear that?" Jennie's perfect ear pinpoints.  
  
A lightbulb sparks above Yerin's head as she exhbits a glistening smile, "I know that song! It's from Hayao Miyazaki's _Spirited Away_!"   
  
The clear crisp night shone over the glossy structure of the Notre Dame, songbirds acting as choristers on the balcony railings as their animated voices waft upon a whimsical trio of three endowed musicians performing a kindhearted rendition of [_Reprise_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgEQNlR4A6o)from _Spirited Away_. They wander around like the spirits seen in the thought-provoking movie itself. Accompanied with Chaeyoung's thoughtful and graceful piano playing, Mina takes on the first verse with her bassoon's warm, wooden tone as her playful and tender notes give way to the proficient horn player on her right. Replying to Mina's buoyant bassoon sound, Sana brings justice to Hisaichi's composition with every aerial note rising on its own delicacy and intricacy, serenading with the high-pitched intoning of the chanting birds.   
  
And if that wasn't stunning enough, Mina stopped to wink at the delighted couple — a feeling that triggered their happy heart.  
  
Yerin is feeling a lot better now. They were lingering in the cathedral's passage as Mina's sweet-sounding timbre rang in her sensitive ears, smiling to herself at Mina's noticeably positive attitude. At this point, she had forgotten about the turmoil of yesterday's masterclass and admired the trio, for how their song seemed to mend her broken heart. SinB sees Yerin's changed expression and pulls her into a tight embrace.  
  
The ascending moonrise perfectly synchronized with Sana's powerful and almighty French horn singing its bright, resonant voice as the blonde girl blows with all her musical might. After a strong opening, Sana hands over the melodic role to Chaeyoung.  
  
An accomplished percussionist in her own fitting, Son Chaeyoung takes on the heartrending piece with her own improvisation. The three girls wonder how Chaeyoung manages to harmonize so exquisitely with the two other musicians when she's completely deaf. And not to mention that she's playing the piano — an instrument outside her comfort zone! But then again, Beethoven's talents never truly diminished despite his failing hearing. Evelyn Glennie became one of the greatest percussionists in existence way after she was deemed profoundly deaf at the age of twelve.   
  
Eventually, the glorious trio starts to transition into a glorious finale that symbolized the grandeur of a morning sunrise. Hisaichi knew how to use every instrument in the orchestra to bring his compositions to life. He has the power to bring innocence, calmness, and sadness all together.  
  
Sana's exhilarating horn takes the lead with the soft woodwind scene incited by Mina, revolving into an invigorating brass finale. Despite the lack of any accompanying brass instruments, the charm of Sana's right-on-spot playing made up for it as her horn bellows up with a full-mouthed, high-sounding volume that her slim frame adjured. She looked radiant with her golden friend reflecting the Parisian moonlight passing through the stained glass, proudly wielding the heavy instrument like the lethal weapon of a knight in shining armor.  
  
Different scenes pop up in their minds. Yerin and SinB found themselves giggling, perhaps crying because Mina, Sana, and Chaeyoung's music transcends reality and takes them on a journey through their childhood, a time period where people feel invincible and that dreams can come true. It's almost as if they're flying with Haku through the glittering night. They're dancing in full different emotions, smiling to one another and crying big, resplendent tears just as Ghibli characters do. When the song ends, they find themselves sharing huge grins on their faces.   
  
"This is _way_ better than going to Disneyland!" SinB chuckles to her partner, who still wraps her in her arms.  
  
Yerin nods, having a relevation similar to the scene where Haku finds his identity, "Music like this is the reason why I still continue."  
  
"I'm glad", SinB eyesmiles and Yerin feels like her heart is going to explode, "I'm _super_ glad!"  
  
_Quitting is not an option,_ Yerin thinks. She isn't going to let anyone get in the way of her path. Not even Vernon nor Jun can stop her from growing. And similar to that thought, the musical journey doesn't end there. Chaeyoung's fingers return to the piano to perform a familiar Christmas tune.  
  
_[Silent Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRC2PrE-HFM)_ comes into play with Sana handing over the melodic line to Mina. Music fills the air without effort, like the waves filling holes in beach sand; the sound rushing in and around every person in the room. Her bassoon's tone was rich and powerful, soulful and hauntingly beautiful strains of music accentuated with Chaeyoung's piano accompaniment. And to add to that effect, Mina looks like an angel illuminating in her lace, cream-colored Diane von Fürstenberg dress. The nuns in the Notre Dame were especially enamored by her breathtaking technique and compelling sound — so compelled that they reentered the cathedral singing the lyrics to _Silent Night_ with candles cradled in their hands.  
  
Jennie Kim gasped in astonishment at the clarity of notes established by Mina, "Does she always play like this?"  
  
"I think Mina found her purpose in music again", SinB says, wiping away the tears from her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Bonjour, mes amis! Did you guys enjoy this chapter? Sorry for its longevity >_< (12k+ words!) I know that there's a lot of components to it and I wasn't keeping track of the word count. Also if you haven't noticed, I changed Sana and Mina's duet into a Sana/Mina/Chaeyoung trio just because I wanted to showcase more of Chaeyoung's musical skills at well. That's right folks! She can play the piano and partly timpani as well :)
> 
> I've been watching the reality show, Gfriend Loves Europe, and wanted to compose a story arc wherein the characters explore a different country contrasting to the environment that they're used to. Also, I hope my French is okay. I've taken high school and college French courses and have some knowledge about the language, but obviously I'm not perfect at the language yet. I also halted studying French to self-study Japanese before I take a Japanese course in the summer. I wonder if I have any French readers... hmm...


	18. tremolo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Cheers to another long-ass chapter :D

_tremolo_  
Origin: Italian  
A trembling effect

****

**The Eighty-Third Measure**

Thursday: December 24, 2020  
  
The Christmas Eve Ball was held at the Luxembourg Palace — the seat of the French senate and a monument that spans much of France's history.  
  
There really wasn't anything to do at the Christmas Eve Ball except eat and perhaps socialize. Actually, socializing with Sana and the others wasn't really an option since my parents were there. My mom even arranged that I would sit in the same table as The Six, which felt even more unsettling than having Dahyun annoy you with her "dank memes" or having Jeongyeon, Momo, and Sana call out your goofy nicknames in public.  
  
An uncomfortable silence hung in the air as all eyes were concentrated at me. _I shouldn't be here._ But Thankfully, it wasn't long before The Six resumed to their dining, where a genuinely naïve Jennie Kim was confused about the sudden upheaval that I caused months ago. Jeongyeon and the others knew about the situation with my parents so they sat in a different table, pretending not to know my name. Having to feign my friendship with The Six made me feel revolted. Other than Jennie, I didn't talk to the The Six, nor did they talk to me — it's the symmetric property.  
  
I hate math.  
  
Jennie takes note of my weary expression and starts patting my head, "Cheer up, baby! You look gorgeous tonight, especially with your hair in that loose, curly bun and your body in that bedazzled pale green party dress. Let me guess, Saint Laurent? McQueen? Michael Kors?"  
  
"Vera Wang", I answered. It's a designer dress with a strapless rococo bodice and a ruffled high-low skirt cascading below the jeweled waistline.  
  
"Oh, duh!" Jennie smacks herself, "You're from New York City. Of course it'd be Wang!"  
  
Reina glares at the raucous clarinetist to be quiet while the gang enjoys their classic _Steak au Poivre_. I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy my own food. It wasn't only because the chef gave me a medium-well filet mignon instead of a medium- **rare**  filet mignon. Jeongyeon's full-mouthed laughters and Sana's high-pitched squeals could be heard from the table next to mine. The "Crack Squad" was clearly having an enjoyable conversation. Momo kept banging her fist on the table at a stupid joke that Dahyun told, and it made Jihyo flare up because it was one of those shared viola jokes among the Pops Orchestra's string sections. (What is the difference between a radio and a viola? A radio actually makes music.)  
  
"Psst", Jennie buzzes over to me, "Have you noticed that Sana has changed her sense of fashion? I mean, look at that what she's wearing — a silver embroidered faille gown designed by Carolina Herrera? Those dresses go off for eight-thousand dollars off Saks Fifth Avenue! And yesterday when I saw you guys at the Notre Dame, she had Louis Vuitton pumps and a Ralph Lauren Velvet-trim dress! I thought she was poor or something."  
  
"She's wearing _my_ clothes", I made clear, "And those Louis Vuitton pumps were the same shoes that I wore at the BBC Proms last year."   
  
"I know, but why are you lending such lavish clothing to her?" Jennie gives me 'that' face, implying what I think she's implying.  
  
"It's not what you think", I said coolly.  
  
"It's exactly what I think."  
  
I rolled my eyes, "Sana's been nice to me, so I'm being nice to her by letting her borrow my clothes, okay?"  
  
"There's more to a story than what meets the eye", Jennie is being extremely persistent and it's making me want to pull my hair.  
  
"Will you two stop talking about Sana?" Karen Fujii appeals, jabbing her rosemary potatoes with her fork as to make a declaration, "Sana will not ever, and I mean _**never**_ become a topic of our daily conversations. She is not a part of the group and she will never be acknowledged by us."  
  
I nearly choked on my food, forcefully gulping it down my throat before I made eye contact with the heated violist, "Sorry".  
  
"You okay?" Shuuka asked.  
  
"Yeah", I replied, wiping the excess sauce off my face.  
  
I was incredibly silent throughout the occassion, watching as a nobly-suited Shori Satou (Who is now off suspension and declared as co-principal clarinets with Jennie) expertly twirls Reina Washio around the dance floor in perfect rhythm with one another. Yes, I couldn't stand the self-righteous bitch, but I started to feel envious at the fact that a jerk like Reina was having a better night than I was. Reina Washio was so popular in LaGuardia and had more freedom than me, not to mention that she had his own troupe of men (Or what I mentally recall as her cocky-assed cult). But the wretched woman was a mask, only showing her devilish manifestation to me, who intentionally provoked her evil side. I didn't even dare to get close with Sana and the others in the hindsight of my parents, especially since the day my mom splashed coffee on the poor girl's uniform.  
  
Then Yuzuna takes advantage of Chaeyoung's lack of hearing and starts gossipping about her, "Do you guys even know how Chaeyoung got accepted to the Juilliard Orchestra in the first place? I remember her having a shitty audition on the first day."  
  
"After my audition Maestro Gilbert allowed Chaeyoung to have a second audition", Somi mentioned.  
  
"A second audition? Without us and the rest of the orchestra members in the judging panel?" Karen's eyes widened.  
  
"It's because Chaeyoung is, you know... disabled?" Somi tries to word the percussionist's situation as nicely as possible.  
  
"But what about Sana?" Karen questioned, "She didn't even audition for the Juilliard Orchesra, if I recall."  
  
"When Chaeyoung had her second audition after the rest of us, she brought in Sana as her translator", Somi spills the deets and it makes the five girls inch closer to the younger girl in intrusiveness, "Chaeyoung did surprisingly well in her second audition because we weren't there to judge her."  
  
"Yuta also said that Maestro was curious about Sana's skills so he asked her to play for him. He was very moved by her music", Shuuka added.  
  
"Now that I think about it, something has been off with Chaekyung", Somi speculates, "She's been absent from school for months."  
  
Karen hid her face in her arms, shaking her head in denial, "Don't tell me that Maestro Gilbert hired Sana as Chaekyung's replacement. My friend who attends the San Francisco Conservatory even told me that Sana was the worst horn player in the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra."  
  
"This is so unfair!" Yuzuna complained, "Chaeyoung should've not been given a second audition. None of the other Juilliard Orchestra members had the privilege of a second chance! And then Sana didn't even fill out an application to join the Juilliard Orchestra in the first place!"  
  
_Seriously? You guys told me and Jennie not to talk about Sana when you're all talking about her?_  
  
Jennie was the first person to speak up to me in this rough evening atmosphere, "Mina. Is something making you uncomfortable?"  
  
"It's too humid in here", I sheepishly smiled, trying to make up an excuse to leave the table, "I'm finding it quite hard to breathe."  
  
"Do you want to go outside? You know, just so you can catch your breath", she offered.  
  
"Sure", I nodded, heading to the coat rack to grab my cloak.

* * *

**The Eighty-Fourth Measure**

With the snowfall suddenly subsiding, the Luxembourg Palace takes its odd transition from the winter season as the snow slackens from the field's greenery and herbage. Only the smallest specks of crystalized snowflakes seemed to deem the wintertide worthy. The Jardin du Luxembourg (the gardens of the Luxembourg) flourished with lush vegetation and ornamental plants that dignified the picturesque landscape. I stretched my legs out on the grassy hillside facing the famous Beethoven statue constructed by sculptor Antoine Bourdelle, taking in the breathtaking aspects of the well-sculpted simulacrum. Sunny trailed from behind, her soft curls bouncing in the soft winter wind, looking stunning a pastel pink high-low dress.    
 Sunny breathes in the scent of the garden's botany, "It’s beautiful out here, isn't it?"  
  
"Sorry for dragging with you with me", I apologized. I felt weird holding a conversation with a musician from the famous Berlin Philharmonic _._  
  
The shorter girl let out a chuckle, plopping down next to my side as she strokes my shoulder, "Don't apologize. I’ve been itching to spend some quality time with you after what I've heard from Sana. She talked a lot about you."  
  
My voice trailed off, "Oh..."  
  
"Is something bothering you?" Sunny cocked her head.  
  
"What? No."  
  
"Oh c'mon, Mina. I have Berlin Phil colleagues who are some of the biggest crybabies I've ever met", she laughed, "Just say it. Let it all out."  
  
"What do you think of Chaeyoung?" I pressed, "What was she like when you were in the Youth Orchestra?"  
  
Sunny's eyes dart to the magnificent Beethoven statue situated in front of us, "Chaeyoung is something different. Gifted, if I may say."  
  
"Gifted?"  
  
"I talked to Sana about this a few days ago. Even though Chaeyoung received some aide from her percussion colleagues, her parents couldn't afford to pay for private lessons. Chaeyoung didn't let financial burdens get in the way. Most of the skills that she picked up were from reading method books at the public library and observing other percussionists perform. She'd view them from the television screen and YouTube to the street performers of San Francisco — the city where she grew up in. When Chaeyoung was a kid, the street performers would allow her to tinker with their instruments, whether it'd be a professional drum kit or a bundle of trash cans flipped upside down for drumming on. That's what ignited her love for music — to connect and communicate with other people. Hans Christian Andersen even said that 'where words fail, music speaks'."  
  
"What about the fact that she played in drum corps and competed in competitions? How did she manage to pay for those costs?"  
  
"Maestro Shimazaki, our youth orchestra conductor, deeply appreciated Chaeyoung and even funded her for those opportunities."  
  
My lord. I didn't know that Chaeyoung was this damn talented and so damn loved. To think that she could accomplish so much by herself and without a guide was something beyond my understanding. Chaeyoung seriously deserves more credit than what people give her. The Six needs to open up their mind and witness Chaeyoung's growth and passion for the art before writing her off as untalented.  
  
"It didn't matter that she was losing her hearing", Sunny continued, "I don't know what she was diagnosed with, but when one of the senses gets lost, the brain rewires to enhance other senses. In Chaeyoung's case, she lost her hearing but she strengthened her sense of sight and touch."  
  
"That's so impressive."  
  
Sunny's eyes fixate on that same Beethoven statue again, "A part of me believes that Chaeyoung is like Beethoven. Beethoven wasn't born deaf, but his hearing began to deteriorate before he finally became deaf in his last decade of life. But that didn't stop him from composing music. He's had to find alternative ways to compose music. In fact, one of Beethoven’s biggest accomplishments was the composition of his famous [ _Ninth Symphony_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlSR8Wlmpac) or "Ode to Joy", which he wrote during a time period when he lost most of his hearing."  
  
I've come to the fact that I actually like Sana's friend more than I thought. Not only is Sunny a cheeky and talented musician who plays with the Berlin Philharmonic, but she's very insightful and knowledgable about the domain of classical music and its conjunctions with other people.  
  
"I overheard Yuzuna and the others talking about how Sana was the worst horn player in the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra. Is that true?" I spilled and Sunny is amazed at my query. She puts a finger to her chin before answering.  
  
"Sana was assigned as eighth chair horn out of eight horn players", Sunny revealed, "But last chair doesn't necessarily mean that she's the worst. The other members in her section probably had better audition performances than Sana, but one performance doesn't always dictate the level of one's playing. To be frank, I didn't talk to Sana much but I was friends with Yoona, who was Sana's section leader. Yoona actually likes Sana. A lot."  
  
"She does?"  
  
"Totally!" Sunny exclaimed, "Most horn players that I've met are either lazy-ass fucks or aggressive, super-competitive shits. Yoona's other section mates wouldn't stop biting off her tail for earning the principal seat. But, Sana? She doesn't fit into any of those categories that I just mentioned. She just wanted to make music."  
  
"Is Yoona the reason why Sana plays the horn?"  
  
"Partly", Sunny simply answered, "Sana also grew up liking movies such as _Harry Potter_ and _Star Wars_ as a kid. And if you know John Williams, who wrote the music to those films, he puts a lot of emphasis on the horn parts. Williams also wrote that famously difficult horn concerto."  
  
Of course. Sana is a nerd, after all.

_"It acts as the hero figure in most compositions!"_

Ah, that's right. Sana said something like this after I performed for the Special School of Music kids.  
  
"But Sana's main drive to play the horn was because of her father, who was also a hornist before joining the United States military", she resumed, "He had taught Sana everything in his free time — not only about technique, but also how to truly love music. I knew Sana's father because he was also friends with my father, who went through basic training with him. Sana loved her father. He loved Sana."  
  
I catch Sunny's use of the past tense, "Loved?"  
  
The shorter girl exhaled, "Sana has been meaning to tell you when you were hospitalized, but she never found the appropriate time to talk about it."  
  
"Talk about what?" I pressed.  
  
As I waited for Sunny to reply, I watched as the sun began to set in the coming night sky, extinguishing its persuasive fire like a gripping symphony going into _decrescendo_ , becoming more sentimental and intimate as the music begins to die down. The night sky was simply gorgeous, like a dark blue blanket surrounding the earth in all its gravity. The stars arose in all its shimmering colors of sapphire, azure, violet, and the list goes on.   
  
"Sana's father died", Sunny finally says, "In the Syrian War."  
  
Dead. That word hung in the air for a long extent of time before either of us could conjure up a single word. I nearly strangled with my own breath, choking in tears as the lump in my throat caught high. 

_"Do you realize how much I love you?"_

Ah shit. I must've triggered Sana when I told her at the hospital that I didn't want to live anymore. No wonder why she was so mad at me. She lost so many people in her life and she doesn't want anyone else to leave her.  
  
"I should've not asked that", I lowered my head in guilt.  
  
"Don't worry about it", Sunny assured, "Sana is doing a lot better now."  
  
I sniffled, mustering enough confidence to say my words clearly, "I feel terrible for not being there when Sana had to go through her father’s death."  
  
Sunny placed a comforting hand behind my back, "It's not your fault. You didn’t know. Sana doesn't blame you either."  
  
"When did he die?"  
  
"He passed away on the same day that Sana auditioned for our youth orchestra", Sunny reveals collectedly, "She went through emotional counseling because of what happened to her father, not because of the estrangement of the other youth orchestra members or Yoona's death. Sana's father died before Yoona did. Most people would think that Sana is so emotionally invested in her music because of Yoona, but Sana plays like that because of her father."   
  
"I know that I'm asking too much from you", I said remorsefully, "I'm sorry."  
  
"Jesus, stop apologizing! It feels refreshing to hang out with new people", Sunny brought up, a small grin lit up on her composed facial features, "It's not that I don't enjoy the comfort of my other friends, but it’s fun to talk to different people and share stories with them. I feel more at my comfortable state when I'm around you and you seem like a really good friend. Sana and Chaeyoung must be lucky to have you."  
  
I didn't shy away this time, returning the favor with a smile, "I'm glad to hear that. It makes me feel better."  
  
Sunny beamed back. My heart at peace towards her vivid attitude. I didn't feel so low-spirited anymore, my cold, frightened soul alleviated by the bass trombonist's warmth and comfort. Sunny glanced at the time displayed on her phone screen: 11:55 p.m. — Five more minutes until the Christmas Eve Ball ends. The howling wind was making its entrance, sounding as crisp and still as the languid trees that remained naked within the winter ambience. I was about to blurt out something before Sunny cuts in with an astounding question.  
  
"So did you really kiss Sana and Chaeyoung in the past?"  
  
"Well I— WHO TOLD YOU THAT?"  
  
"Sana did", Sunny said. _Of course Sana would tell her_. The climate was growing colder with every passing minute; the smell of smoke in the night air starting to diminish as lucid glints of snow began to form on the blades of the grass.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"I'm not going to tell anybody", she grins.  
  
I guess I do owe her an answer after bombarding with all of my questions, "Fine, I did."  
  
"Experimentation is a good thing!" Sunny boosts before getting smacked on the head, "Yuri dated two girls in the past and she's still single toda— ACK!"  
  
"Why are you reiterating my life story to poor Mina?"  
  
_That raspy voice... why does it sound so familiar?_  
  
I turned around to see the dark-haired, tan-skinned woman standing behind Sunny and I. She wore a purple one-shoulder gown with jeweled accents on the single strap that is focused on a dramatic uneven neckline, hemmed waist, and a flowing accordion-like pleated floor length skirt.  
  
Holy shit. Is it Kwon Yuri? — the former principal clarinetist of the Juilliard Orchestra and now the principal clarinetist of the London Symphony Orchestra. I was about to burst into tears. I frantically stood up to jump into the arms of my dear friend, who was still looming over the percussionist. She was close to giving me a tight hug before I winced in pain at the compression of my ribs. 

I must be dreaming.  
  
"Y-Yuri?"  
  
"Nice to see you again, Mina", she smiled.  
  
"Yah! What about me, you giant butt? We haven't seen each other in four years!" Sunny complained, massaging her head from Yuri's hard slap.  
  
She crossed her arms and stared at her cousin, pretending not to care, "You Skype me every week, you Oompa Loompa."  
  
Sunny flipped her off, "Fuck you."  
  
_*DING DONG DING DONG*_  
  
The clock strikes at midnight.  
  
"Dammit! If only I saw Mina earlier", Yuri grunts, scratching her head. I'm disconcerted too because I could've had a meaningful conversation with Yuri instead of being stuck with The Six. "I'm afraid that we don't have much time to talk since the ball is over. We'll catch up soon, okay?"

* * *

**The Eighty-Fifth Measure**

Friday: December 25, 2020  
  
Most would consider the Pops Orchestra's concert a success, but I found it hard to get over the fact that I was suffering from chronic tinnitus. That thought distracted me throughout the duration of our performance and it was difficult for me to enjoy our music.  
  
After the concert, I decided to treat Chaeyoung to dinner at the  _Le restaurant de la Seine_ — not the kind of restaurant where you can get a table on impulse. We met for the purpose of devising Sana’s birthday gift, which is  why I didn’t invite her. The two of us were seated outdoors in a table facing the Seine river under the shade of genuine grapevines that hung over our heads. Flagstone tiled floor, embroidered chairs, and oval coffee tables with splendidly proportioned cabriole legs defined the archival establishment. Romantic music plays from an indie cover band from indoors.  
  
I gazed at the light sprinkles of snow flakes falling from the distant, dark sky. The snow in Paris wasn't as heavy as the snow in NYC. I awed at Chaeyoung’s lustrous, abstracted eyes gazing at the iridescent rays of streetlights reflecting off the Seine River, hanging on building roofs as well as the hand-carved ice statues. The city of Paris at this time was bustling with people as well as street vendors and street performers. I glanced at the percussionist, whose nose wrinkled, smile glistened, and eyes glittered every time a snowflake tickled her nose.  
  
“ _Tonight’s performance was a success, don’t you think?_ ” Chaeyoung brings up after blissfully swallowing a  bite of authentic French Opera cake.  
  
“ _I liked 'O Holy Night' near the end”_ , I snapped out of my previous thought process, using hand motions to communicate as I inhaled the strong, crisp cold air, “ _I was shocked when Jihyo got up from her seat and walked to the center of the stage. I had no idea that she could sing._ ”

**\---------  
  
[A couple of hours ago. The Pops Orchestra's concert at the Festival]  
  
As the string section begin to wind down from [ _A Christmas Festival_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQcbgytdT60) and a slow rendition _[Away in a Manger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS8ZqVdpnrQ),_  Jihyo sets her viola and its bow down on her chair before advancing towards the center stage. Maestro Ishii gives her a nod before initiating the next piece.**

**_O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining  
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth_ **

**An orchestra in the back starts off the song in soft, quiet tones. Minyoung’s soft piano accompaniment slowly blends in with Jihyo’s delicate yet divine voice as she sings _[O Holy Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKJslZPbCPY)_.**

**_Long lay the world in sin and error pining  
Til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth_ **

**Along with Jihyo’s singing three distinctive instruments were chanting their resonating voices together as they combine forces to perform the melody. I quietly listened to the diversity of sounds reverberating from below me; the violin is bright and soaring, the clarinet is warm and sensuous, and the cello is placid and sentimental. I immediately recognized who they were: Momo, Nayeon, and Tzuyu. Their instruments correlated with their emotions — Momo with her upbeat and bubbly personality, Nayeon with her mellow and humble image, and Tzuyu with her calm and collected complexion.**

**_A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices_  
_For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn_ **

**How in the hell does Jihyo manage to be a proficient violist and a brilliant vocalist? I wondered as I was moved to tears by Jihyo's magnificent singing, my spine tingling and my heart stirring with every passing note emitting from her own expressive instrument.**

**_Fall on your knees._ **

**I had no idea that Jihyo retained such a beautiful singing voice, her stirring and expressive emotion impelling into the heartbreaking, sententious chorus of the song. I can only wonder about what Sana is thinking when she's listening to Jihyo sing. Does she think of Yoona or her father up until this day? I'm not so sure but I can't help but ponder about it.**

**_O hear the angel voices_ **

**Jihyo takes in a deep breath, her voice growing louder and stronger to the point where it rang throughout every surface of the Palais Garnier, from the grand ornate lobby to the very realm of the concert hall itself,** **looking up at the abundance of gleaming marble, gold leafing, and cascading crystal chandeliers dangling ninety-six feet above her head.**

**_O night divine!  
O night when Christ was born_ **

**You don't need to understand English, nor do you need to be Christian to enjoy her angelic voice. I'm not a hundred percent sure if Jihyo is one, but the girl has the benevolence of an ideal mother and it reflects in the way that she sings. She shares her love of music with everyone.**

**_O night divine!  
O night, o night divine!_ **

**At last, Jihyo finally gets her chance to shine by finishing off the break with compelling solo parts and an almighty high note that I couldn't even dare to imitate. The final crescendo is mixed in with the gradual pounding from Jeongyeon’s timpani, resounding with the vociferous brass, shuddering with the strident strings, and trembling with the refined woodwinds. The ethereal orchestra finally comes to quiet down and Jihyo finishes the song again with her celestial voice quieting down.**

**_O night, o holy Divine_ **

**Jihyo’s voice spirals down into a _falsetto_ and the audience erupted into an impassioned applause as the virtuosic performer graciously bows to her sentimental spectators. There was a sudden trigger in my heart as the Jihyo gave her bow, her stance radiating against warm effulgence of the stage lights with every step she took. Even the critics and the other New York Philharmonic members gave the experienced girl a standing ovation before she trotted back to her principal viola seat.**

**\---------**

" _If only I could hear Jihyo's voice_ ", Chaeyoung's lips fall into a pout.  
  
Seeing the percussionist frown, I scurry to change the subject, " _Any idea on what to give Sana for her birthday?_ "  
  
" _I'm actually not good at stuff like this_ ", she admitted, dropping her soup spoon, " _I could never afford to buy any of my friends, let alone Sana, a birthday gift."  
  
"I'll take care of the money. You just choose the gift", _ I offered.  
  
But Chaeyoung shakes her head fervently, " _I can't make you do that! I don't want to take advantage of your wealth."  
  
"Well, what other ideas do you have?"_  
  
Our minds went blank. Neither of us wanted to bullshit Sana's twenty-first birthday present, especially me because I felt the need to keep Sana happy.  
  
"Oh my gosh! Mina? And Chaeyoung too?" that strikingly, gravelly voice came to my left ear.  
  
"Yuri?"   
  
Indeed, it was Yuri. Chaeyoung jerked her head towards the statuesque woman, glowing with an inner beauty that stood quietly and unassuming as she watched the restaurant customers rush through her heavy lash laden eyes. Straight with a sense of self-assurance, she stood like a sentinel among the rush of frantic humans, her cheek bones high and protruding to give a chiselled look on her tan skin. She possessed a beanstalk-like figure in curves as she moved right and left to the direction of our table. The percussionist was the first one to embrace the older girl, a sense of familiarity playing on their faces as they conjoined arms.  _That's right. Chaeyoung and Yuri were members of the same youth orchestra._  
  
"My goodness, how much you have grown!" Yuri squeezed her in their hug, but Chaeyoung doesn't pick up a single word that Yuri says.  
  
"She's deaf", I specified.  
  
"Sorry. My bad", Yuri's face sagged as she learned this, "When I last saw Chaeyoung, she could talk so I had no idea what happened to her since then. Speaking of which, we need to catch up on our lives! How have you two been since our last encounter?"  
  
I put on a meek smile, "As much as I'd like to talk, we need to think about Sana's birthday present."  
  
"No problem, I'll help", Yuri grabs an unoccupied chair and sits next to Chaeyoung, "Any ideas?"  
  
"Not at all", I shook my head, "We want it to be spectacular and not too expensive, but those kinds of things don't exist in Paris."  
  
"Gifts don't need to be monetary", Yuri says while munching off a piece of our complementary bread, "It could be as simple as making music."  
  
We rivet our eyes back to the indie cover band. The flows through my veins and swirls in my head. The vibrations emitted from the percussion causes Chaeyoung's fingers to drum on the tabletop and her feet tap on the floor. An ecstatic accordian chants of festivity and romance, the upright bass is as cool as my non alcholic wine, the sweet refrain of the guitar spoke a musical language with its soothing strums. The lead singer is an instrument and the lyrics wade through my brain like pie in the sky, her voice calling me to unwind and enjoy the music.  
  
Taking heed to Jihyo's performance and what Sunny said about Chaeyoung, music can also be shared amongst people.  
  
"YURI!" I abruptly rose from my chair, alarming the other customers, "You're a genius!"  
  
The clarinetist tilted her head, "I am?"  
  
"Chaeyoung! I have an idea of what to give Sana for her birthday!" I excitedly yell at Chaeyoung and she gives me a perplexed look because she can't understand a single word that I'm saying. I'll just explain it to her later.

* * *

**The Eighty-Sixth Measure**

"Hey, Sana", I called, "Do you have time tonight?"  
  
Chaeyoung and I escorted the birthday girl to the hotel's twenty-ninth floor common room where there is a large piano smack in the center. A panoramic view of the Parisian cityscape showcases the historic city's iconic lights, sophisticated buildings, stylish and cultural parks, artistic monuments, and principally, The Eiffel Tower in front of us — a skeleton of metal projecting up into the night sky, reaching out to the pearly stars. To have a clear view without clouds and the audacious lights of the city made the occassion a deeply humbling and enriching experience.  
  
"What are you guys doing?" Sana was still generally confused by our antics.  
  
"We're going to play for you", I said.  
  
A wry laugh escaped from Sana's mouth,  "You don't even have your bassoon."  
  
"I don't", I grinned, "I'm giving  _her_  a break."  
  
"So what are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm going to sing for you."  
  
Sana's mouth gaped open at the word 'sing'. I see this and smile. Chaeyoung positions herself on the piano bench, tucking the smooth material of her dress under her thighs. She lifts the lid open to reveal as a row of pure ivory keys march into view. I take a sip of water and clear my throat, preparing my voice.   
  
"I didn't know that you could sing, Mina", Sana giggles.  
  
"I'm not as spectacular as Jihyo, but I sing every now and then just for the hell of it", I acknowledge, "I normally don't sing in front of others."  
  
Sana settles down in a petite chair in front of us, "I'm excited."  
  
I nod at Chaeyoung to begin the piece, and her fingers graciously hover over the keys as she brings out the harmonic part to  _[Songbird](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0dWx1SZwYk)_  by Eva Cassidy, her playing as sublime as moon and the stars above us. I swallowed the lump in my throat and sucked in some air, clasping my hands together to stop the tremble. The first note came out warm and soft, and my cheeks redden. 

_For you there'll be no crying  
For you the sun will be shining  
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
It's all right I know it's right_

_Songbird_  is one of my favorite non-classical songs because it's about lovers and friends. I want to portray to Sana how much she means to me and how much of a big role she has played in my life. I want to tell Sana how much of a great person she is. Narratives about Sana's life hits me hard. She has gone through grievances to get to the point where she is now. Tears begin to well up in my eyes as those lyrics came to light. 

_And the songbirds keep singing  
Like they know the score_

This bittersweet line shows that even though there will be sadness in a relationship, happiness will always come. The truth is that Sana and I don't know the "score" — we'll never be able to predict when the anguish or rough times will come. I'll never know when I'll be ready for "that moment". But what we can hope for is a happy ending. What we can do is provide each other unconditional support in the face of tribulation.

_And I love you I love you I love you  
Like never before_

This song gets it's hint of melancholy from the fact that, in spite of one's best intentions, they might never really have that much control over love in the end. I know for the fact that if I were to become involved in a romantic relationship, it would be difficult for me to reciprocate my feelings because I'm just not good at "doing love". All I can do for the moment is repay Sana for all the kindness she has showed me.

_To you I would give the world  
To you I'd never be cold_

I want Sana to have all the opportunities that she never had. 

_Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
It's all right I know it's right_

Sana had encouraged me to stay alive when I could've made the alternate choice.

_And the songbirds keep singing  
Like they know the score  
And I love you I love you I love you  
Like never before Like never before_

I want Sana to know how much I appreciate her. 

_And I wish you all the love in the world,  
But most of all, I wish it from myself._

I just want to be there to comfort her in the vice of those times.

_And the songbirds keep singing,  
Like they know the score,  
And I love you, I love you, I love you,  
Like never before, like never before._

I love Sana. Perhaps not in the same way as I did when we were children. I believe that our relationship will progress past just being "friends". We haven't taken the farthest step into a relationship yet; I don't want to go that far. I want to safely consider that we're more than just friends, but less than romantic partners. I noted the pink cheeks on Sana's face as she smiled. I hope that she keeps that smile. The death of her father and Yoona, the chagrin of being last chair in a youth orchestra, whatever — I just want to erase those bad memories from her head.   
  
Sana cupped her hand over her mouth in elation, blissful tears streaming down her face at me and Chaeyoung’s gift to her.   
  
"That was beautiful", she cried. There wasn't much else that needed to be said.

* * *

**The Eighty-Seventh Measure**

Saturday: December 26, 2020  
  
Christmas is over and the fifth day of the festival is about to begin. On a beautiful Monday afternoon, the sun made its comeback with another shimmering sensation as the bitter, winter air from yesterday begins to settle down. However, I still felt very groggy from the hectic measures of last night. Because the window was still open in my hotel room, the icy air whistled through my ears, causing my pale skin to tremble and tingle.   
  
It is Day Five of the Parisian Winter Music Festival and things played out a lot differently than yesterday. The members of the Juilliard Orchestra were hectic because we had finished rehearsals late. The men were especially struggling to fit into their tuxedos (Or in their words, "monkey suits") while the women were complaining about sweating in their black dresses and forgetting their deodorant sticks for their armpits. Every one except The Six were changing their clothes in the women's dressing room, which was filled with girlish laughter and assorted perfume scents that wafted throughout the room in their own aroma, causing me to suffocate under the excessive smell of flora and citrus fruits.  
  
There was a hint of fatigue in my eyes as I speculate my jaded form through the dressing room’s glass mirror. It as if my mirrored image was a dead corpse, my tired eyes bulging out of my eyesockets as I tried to keep myself awake.   
  
"What happened to my Mina? Why does she look sad?" Sana had just uncapped some cleansing oil for her valves when she noticed her my slouching figure through the reflection of her French horn's polished, golden bell.  _At least she stopped calling me "Little Duck"._  
  
I opened my mouth for a protest, "I-I'm not sa— ACHOOOO!!"  
  
"Sick again? I thought you promised us that you would take care of your health before the festival", Sana sighed with a soft smile, pulling her honey blonde hair into a loose bun before handing me a Kleenex wipe from the tissue box, "Wipe your nose with this. You don't want to have snot flying out of your nose while we're playing."  
  
"That would be embarrassing", I croaked, then turned to the percussionist sitting next to me, " _Do you know what time we're performing?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung finished applying her makeup before addressing me, " _I believe that we’re after the Berlin Philharmonic._ "  
  
_So we get to see Sunny perform. Cool._  
  
"The Berlin Philharmonic? That's Sunny's orchestra!" Sana squealed, leaping from her chair and nearly knocking down her horn, "Sunny told me that they're playing Tchaikovsky's _1812 Overture_ and Shostakovich's _Twelfth_ _Symphony_  — both brass-heavy pieces!"  
  
"Juilliard Orchestra is on standby!" a staff member announces in a thick French accent.  
  
Here we go.  
  
From the sidelines, all of the Juilliard Orchestra members remained still as they listened to the almighty Berlin Philharmonic grace the stage with their captivating music. Kirill Petrenko stands proudly before his podium, his facial expression remaining serious and his shoulders stout until all of the musicians were ordered to sit. Sunny looks extremely relaxed in her seat despite now becoming a permanent member of the renowned ensemble. When Petrenko then he raises his baton, the orchestra runs off like a pack of lions as they begin to play Tchaikovsky's [_1812 Overture_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2W1Wi2U9sQ).  
  
The solemn piece moves on with the string section playing the heartrending Russian melody of _O Lord, Save Thy People_. Tchaikovsky intended to portray the increasing distress of Napoleon's Grande Armée advancing towards the Russian people.  
  
_*BOOM*_  
  
"Oh my! They're using REAL cannons in their performance!" an English news reporter (most likely from the BBC) talks from behind the curtains while a camera crew filmed his reaction, "Indeed, this is very exciting! As expected from the stimulating, extraordinary Berlin Philharmonic!"  
  
As the orchestra reaches the turning point of the invasion — the Battle of Borodino — a hired technician begins to trigger the electrical current that fires the cannons outside once again, startling the oblivious concertmistress as she unintentionally brings the tempo up a notch. The entire string section starts to become startled, sharing nervous glances with their stand partners while trying to keep up with youthful concertmaster Noah Bendix-Balgley's rhythm at the same time. The cellists draw their bows across their instrument skillfully, like it was dancing upon strings.  
  
It wasn't long before a pack of woodwinds joined into the eccentrically expeditious piece, whipping through the opening run in a collection of dominant notes. It was impressive — they conquer like a flock of outraged geese competing over a loaf of bread. They're a bunch of soloists melded into one homogenous sound. Herbert von Karajan, conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic for thirty-five years, quoted that The Berlin Philharmonic functioned "like a jockey and a horse. You are there but it's the horse that does everything." Sir Simon Rattle also told CNN that, "The first thing you have to realize is you cannot tame this orchestra. This orchestra is a panther and they go and they run."  
  
Next came subsequent ringing of the carillon bells initiated by percussionist Franz Schindlbeck. A scowl was implanted on the conductor's face as he eyed every instrument excluding the brass section, the members counting rests while still waiting to make their grand entrance. One of the younger trumpeters was nearly on the verge of falling asleep until the victory bells woke him up.  
  
_*DING DING DING DING DING*_  
  
The obnoxious ringing of the bells drowned out the quickened sounds of the hastening strings and woodwinds, letting the brass section come in with a triumphant execution of the Eastern Orthodox _Troparion of the Holy Cross_ as they depict a picturesque image of Moscow citizens carrying out their method of Slash and Burn Agriculture, or if simplified, the burning of crops to prevent the French from regaining the nutrients of the Russian's abandoned meals. The overture soon reaches its climax with the exultant anthem of _God, Save the Tsar_ insituated by the thundering brass section, grounded by Sunny's mighty bass trombone. Her section mates grinned with their lips still attached to their mouthpieces.  
  
With Tchaikovsky's glorious piece coming to a dignifying end, there was a huge pause before the Berlin Philharmonic commenced Shostakovich's _[Twelfth Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnGAMFTnxlM)_. Petrenko waited for the musicians to catch a breath before moving on to the next piece.   
  
The Berlin Philharmonic sweeps through the first three movements like a racehorse, as Herbert von Karajan mentioned. Or perhaps like a panther, like Sir Simon Rattle reported. The fourth and final movement is what brings everyone on the edge of their seats, mainly because of the brass. All of the parts are marked _fff_ or _fortississimo_ , meaning "very, very loud". The movement begins with a string of march-like themes brimming with a pompous demeanor. The pace of the piece amplifies and the orchestra swirls with musical currents that burst with celebration.  
  
Near the end, the brass proceeds to sweep everybody off their feet; flip the earth on its entire back with their clamorous yet harmonious sound. A commanding timpani solo acts as the stomping of feet, rising from the ashes. Jeongyeon would die to play this solo. The final horn call is made and the trombones eat up the air to bellow into the concert hall. thundering like a throng of lions. It leaves me breathless.   
  
"My god..." Sana had no words for this impressive performance.  
  
"Sunny is amazing", Seohyun's sweet voice whistles in my left ear, "She's the second female member of the Berlin Philharmonic's brass section after Sarah Willis. Pretty amazing how a small-town girl made it into a big city orchestra. Sunny tells me that she still thinks she's in a dream."  
  
At the last moment, with a great deal of effort, Petrenko reveals his triumphant ending. There was no doubt that the Berlin Philharmonic would receive an astounding applause. The audience members just couldn't hold it in. A man from the standing room bawled an intense "BRAVO!" and spectators were hollering and screaming in joy and satisfaction, a sensation that I've never seen in an orchestral setting. It is the Berlin Philharmonic after all and they're known to have a loyal fanbase and season ticketholders.     
  
All the orchestra members get off their feet to give their final bows, all before turning back to the backstage area. Sunny exhaled a heavy sigh, her small figure still slumped against the support of Seohyun with her hulking bass trombone still clutched in her hands. The girl was extremely tired from all that loud playing she executed earlier; her face was pale and her lips were chapped.   
  
"You were fantastic out there", Seohyun heartens the older girl, her smile reading that she's eternally grateful for her existence.   
  
" _Were?_  You mean I was never fantastic in the first place?" Sunny still retains her sassy attitude and it makes the pianist giggle.   
  
"Oh, unnie. You're always fantastic!" Seohyun extends to please the older girl.  
  
"GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTS!" the presenter of the festival calls in a booming voice that nearly breaks my eardrums.  
  
"Jesus Christ..." Sunny grumbled under her breath.  
  
Another trombonist from her section joins in on her rant, "What the hell was the festival committee thinking? Hiring a madman of an announcer?"  
  
"And now for our sixteenth performance of the day, we have the fascinating Juilliard Orchestra with their rendition of Ravel’s _Piano Concerto in G_ and Sibelius’s _Fifth Symphony_ ”, The emcee devotedly puts the enthusiasm into his voice as the audience grows hungry for even more music.  
  
"I wish that man would shut the fuck up", Jun muttered over to me as he readies his instrument.  
  
"Well, I can't do anything about it", I shrugged indifferently.  
  
"PENGUIN-CHAN! LET'S PLAY LOUD AND PROUD TODAY, OKAY?" a certain brown-haired clarinetist smacks my butt.  
  
"JENNIE? WHAT THE HELL?" I squawk. Even my voice was clear enough to reach the back of the orchestra.  
  
"Break a leg, you guys!" Sunnys yells out to me and the others.

* * *

 

**The Eighty-Eighth Measure**

The emcee finishes as he flourishes towards The Juilliard Orchestra — with Seohyun at our side. We begin tuning our instruments while Seohyun settles herself on the piano bench placed in the middle of the stage, the conductor's podium located next to the grand Yamaha piano.  
  
Maestro Gilbert taps his baton against the rim of his music stand, calling the orchestra to order as he prepares to commence Ravel's audacious composition. I prepare to cover their ears with the earplugs Dr. McIntosh administered to me. My cold simmers down when the warmth of the stage lights hit me and I hear my name being called from all the way in the back row of balcony seats. It's "The Crack Squad" and my fanclub, proudly holding up LED illustration boards with my name as well as Sana's and Chaeyoung's. I'm surprised that they're allowed to bring them in.

The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.  
  
Let the [concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oa9cfqzKcms) begin.  
  
As the conductor raises his bow to signal the readiness of the orchestra, Seohyun placed her long, well-trained fingers on the piano's glistening keys, ready to dance on its ivory wake. Nodding at the conductor to ensure his promptitude, Ravel's elaborate piano concerto begins with a whip-crack initiated by the orchestra's avid percussionist, Son Chaeyoung. The piece then moves on with Seohyun's vivid piano playing mixed in with Kim Sohee’s dancing piccolo and Jennie Kim’s docile clarinet before the background instrumentals transition to Im Jaebum's loud, triumphant trumpeting blended with the acquiescent string section and an underlying drum roll played by Himchan.  
  
After a flurry of orchestral sounds, the piano's sound is now dominant with the accompanying winds that were previously present: The piccolo, clarinet, and trumpet. The piano then ceases to a stop and the orchestra thunders its existence with each section adding to the underlying theme, ultimately drifting into a peculiar, dream-like statement from the piano. The oration is brief as the orchestra withdraws into a jazz character, fluctuating between major and minor modes.  
  
Seohyun's characteristic piano playing is then accompanied by the string section as well as Kyla Massie's mystic, heavenly harp playing. The embellished piece ends with a reinstatement of the jazz theme and a lively coda before a rather amorouso scale is emitted from the brass section.   
  
By the time the concerto finished, the broad audience bursts into an exploding applause for the brilliant, magnificent music they brought today.  
  
"BRAVA!" A plump woman cries from the front row of seats, rising to her feet as the rest of the spectators follow.  
  
The audience then breaks into passionate cheers and give a standing ovation, impressed by the youth and skill level of the orchestra members, especially featured pianist Seohyun, who is fresh out of college and had just gcompleted her first performance with The Juilliard Orchestra today. It was indeed an emotional and inspirational experience for her as well as the young musicians standing on this stage today. But alas, our journey is not over yet because we still have to pave our way through Sibelius’s _[Fifth Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dACRUFfmMeo)_ , also known as "A Song for Swans."  
  
I believe that the most beautiful part of the first movement is the double exposition, wherein the horns and the bassoons careen their tender and silvery notes like two different birds — the white swan and as Chaeyoung theorizes, marriage with the black swan. The timpani, on the other hand, provides a middle ground and imitates mother earth with its groundbreaking yet soft rolls. The three of practiced this part together several times.  
  
My ears easily recognized Sana's hearty, euphonious tone color's every note of crystal-clear, mellifluous resonance from her beloved instrument. Sana's horn is the first instrument to come into play, weaving through a thread of notes from the lower horns like a delicate bird gliding through a brilliant sunrise. Then the bassoons, including me, provide texture to the horn's melody as to imitate that same bird flying through a forest. The quivering strings and Chaeyoung's tremulous timpani-playing asserts the essence of wind and earth.  
  
When the short bassoon solo comes, I ignored my cold and drew oxygen to my lungs. Placing the reed on my lips, playing as warmly and reedy as possible. I close my eyes as to not focus on anybody that could be peering at me with flinty eyes. Despite having hearing protection and having half of my hearing alreayd depleted, the solo goes on without a hitch and I release a sigh. I look behind to see Sana and Chaeyoung smiling at me.  
  
The first movement grows naturally, from ambiguous beginnings and the monumental emergence of a theme of fascinating grandiosity, through the _scherzo_ which acts as a bird surging with life and growing ever more elegant and nimble-footed.  
  
The last movement is the best movement. Concertmaster Kai invites the string section to play in _tremolo_  as to emulate fluttering. Woodwinds mirror the effect like ripples in a lake. They climb higher and higher until at last, the horns arrive to convey the majestic call of the swans.  
  
Sana sucked some air into her capable lungs, lips pursed together before letting her instrument come into contact with her mouth. A stupid smile creased on her face as she blissfully played the swan-call motif. The girl was at ease with music, her virtuosic fingers flying precisely over her horn's polished valves while staying rhythmed with her composed breathing, letting her tone come out steady and relaxed in the comfy opera house.  
  
Yes. This effect is what Sibelius's notes as the famous _[swan-call motif](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73z3cdoDlis) _ with horns playing chords. Sana and her troope arrive like the breaking of dawn, painting the sky with the colors of warmth and love just like swans making a canvas in the lake with their strides. Sana envelops the orchestra with her horn sound like a swan tending to eggs and newborn cygnet. Tears bloomed in my eyes as I looked back to watch Sana play, her generosity and eternal grace reflects in her music. _My god. She looks so beautiful and sublime, just like the white swan._  
  
She isn't the only great one; Chaeyoung shouldn't be pushed away either. Along with the stars, Chaeyoung is the big, romantic sun that acts as a inspirational fire in the coming sunset, her timpani rolls as intense as the colors of the sky. It didn't matter to her that she was deaf, because she was still making engrossing music in the long run.  _Jeongyeon would be so proud of her._  Her music would lead the orchestra to be a powerful symphony building up, becoming more emotional and innovative as the music proceeds to reach the finale.  
  
The end of an orchestral work always has me breathing heavily because of the amount of air required to fill a bassoon on a regular playing basis. But today was different because of my cold mixed in with the usual symptoms. In addition, Sana's emotional playing catches me off-guard and I nearly choke on my spit. With the gradual onset of affliction increasing over every minute, each blow through my reed acted like a thousand needles pinning me down to my last warm breath. I feel so lightheaded that I could pass out.  
  
Upon arrival to the last few measures, my eyes flew open at the sight of my parents sitting in the front row. I felt imminent danger as soon as I saw my mother's excruciating eyes digging into my irritable brain as I slowly moved through passages. My hearing cancels out for a minute before realizing that the orchestra came to an abrupt pause. I glanced back to my father, who was yawning in the light of broken silence.  
  
_*CRACK*  
  
No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening._  
  
A lone bassoonist had continued to play after everyone else had cut off. My hearing comes back into tact and I find that my fingers are still glued to the keys and the fingerholes, and I'm still breathing. That lone bassoonist isn't Mingyu, Joshua, Vernon, nor Jun; it's me. My bassoon just cracked in front of Sana, Chaeyoung, "The Crack Squad", my other friends, the other eminent orchestras waiting backstage, The Six — basically, the world.  
  
But even worse, I fucked up in front of my parents.   
  
I don't know how I can live like this.

* * *

**BONUS (Sana's Birthday Bash)**

Wednesday: December 23, 2020

Today isn't exactly Sana's twenty-first birthday, but I learned that we're celebrating it early because we have another event taking place on the 29th.

After going out into the city, Chaeyoung and I were greeted by numerous bottles of nail polish and makeup essentials, copious amounts of beverages and delicacies set on the dining table, colorful balloons, loud music roaring from Eunha's smartphone, sleeping bags, and pillows sprawled all over the floor. Romantic stories, female gossip, pillow fights, girlish laughter, video game wars, and excessive drinking was shared amongst the girls, who were partying hard in their pajamas as assistant concertmistress Eunha took the role of being their DJ.

I was flustered at this flamboyant display, "What the hell is going on?"

"We're celebrating Sana's birthday with a slumber party at your hotel room!" Eunha noisily announced as she turned up the volume of the party music to full blast. She racked up EDM renditions of Oh My Girl songs and it makes Nayeon scream in delight.

"You invited all of these people?" I gawked at the amount of people feasting in this exorbitant, insane sleepover.

"Of course!", Eunha shouted over the cacophonous music that was defeaning their guest's ears.

I looked around the room to see who was attending the slumber party. Jeongyeon and her "Crack Squad" are loitering in the kitchen. Immediately, I spotted a drunken Sowon sprawled all over my bed. Eunha's boyfriend, Jackson Wang, was too engaged in a Super Smash Bros. battle with Dahyun to acknowledge Chaeyoung and I. SinB and Yerin were fixing each other's hair and applying nail polish to their fingernails and toenails while sharing light, girly conversations. Momo, the life of the party, proceeded to drag Chaeyoung and I into this mess before we could even resist.

"MOMO, WAIT—"

"COME IN MY FRIENDS!" Momo ecstatically yelled as she drawed us in by the wrist, "THE PARTY HAS JUST BEGUN!"

"Is everybody here?" resident party-maker Jeongyeon inquired while scanning the room, "Bassoon-chan! How was your double date with Sana and Chaeyoung last night?"

"WHAT???" I shouted, giving the timpanist an expression of bewilderment.

Jihyo laughed heartily, "She's just kidding! Let's start the party games while we're waiting for Sana!"

The girls gathered on top of Yerin and SinB's shared bed, which was next to my bed. It seemed that they were planning something suspicious for their male guests. However, I didn't bother joining into their conversation and rather, I took (or at least tried to take) a nap instead to relieve my throbbing headache. My bed was still in the same condition as it was last night: the sheets and blankets were disheveled while the pillows were mindlessly tossed onto the floor during a thrilling pillow fight that Chaeyoung and I were lucky to have missed. Jackson awkwardly watched the girls from the kitchen as he poured himself a bottle of champagne into a glass tulip.

"Jackson-oppa!" Jeongyeon loudly and drunkenly called, "Don't be so shy shy shy! Join us!"

"No! You guys should invite more boys over!" He demanded, feeling outnumbered by the amount of girls conjugated in the room.

Tzuyu swayed up to the apprehensive man, giving him a sadistic look that put the poor guy in disposition, twirling a strand of his untidy black hair, "Are you hesitant because you're the only guy here?"

"Stop that!" Jackson slapped away her misguided hand from his head.

"C'mon, oppa! You're going to have fun with us, won't you?" another drunkened girl, Im Nayeon, playfully dragged the Pops Orchestra's concertmaster to the enormous, luxurious bathroom where Yuju, Sowon, and eventually Umji were waiting with hair curlers, makeup, hair accessories, colorful wigs, female clothing, and tons of rogue provided by none other than the fashion princesses: Hwang Eunbi and Jung Yerin.

"Chaeyoung! HELP ME!" he turned to the percussionist for help. But unfortunately, she gave no reaction as she was sleeping peacefully on the bed whilist hugging her mallet case as if it were a body pillow. Did Jackson forget that Chaeyoung is deaf?

Oh God...

"It seems that Sungmin-oppa will be our first test subject of the night!" Yuju blithely cheered, wielding a large masacara brush on one hand and a huge eyeliner pen on the other hand. Not only that, but they left the bathroom door open for everyone to see the action.

"Yah! Are you kids drunk?" He attempted to scold them using the 'senior card' but sadly, it did not work on his hoobaes, "Momo! Help me!"

"I'm sorry. I can't help you. Jeongyeon and the gang bribed me with this", Momo smiled apologetically, heading to the kitchen to observe the poor man, sitting down to enjoy a large platter of pig's trotters (also known as jokbal) right before her eyes.

The entire makeup experience was a drag for the harassed man. It didn't help that Yuju and Sowon were bickering over what color they should use for his blush or what shade of eye shadow would look best on him while Umji scampered around the room to give them the assigned supplies. Yuju kept insisting that Jackson should go with a 'pure and innocent' look because of his cute facial features and his supposedly short stature (For a man, that is). However, Sowon wanted to divert from the whole 'cutesy' look and urged their assistant Umji to give him a cooler, sexier impression.

So they tried to combine both looks, and the results were terrifying.

Jackson's upper lip was colored in a seductive red while his bottom lip was colored in a charming pink. His cheeks were ravaged with different hues of pink, magenta, fuschia, and red as if he just experienced having intercourse with a sexy woman for the first time. His eyes were so shadowed, it was almost frightening to Umji, who was lingering around the bathroom closet trying to gather Yuju and Sowon's requested attire for their disastrous guest.

"My God..." Yuju starts to say, smirking at their completed procedere.

And if his face wasn't in bad enough shape, wait until you get to their fashion choice. He was wearing a ballerina-styled skirt that was cloaked in white chiffon with sheer organza ruffles draped around it. His top ended up being a black lingerie corset that consisted of a strapless bodice with dazzling jewels and a sweetheart neckline embroidered with fake diamonds and sequins. His short hair was tied up into an apple-style ponytail accesorized with a gigantic pink bow. If anything, he looked like the failed reincarnation of Odette and the black swan from Swan Lake.

"HOLY CRAP!" Jeongyeon shrieked, nearly dropping her bottle of champagne and slipping off the high chair as Yuju and Sowon proudly presented their 'science' project to the other girls.

In a flash, Jihyo whipped out her phone to take memorable photos, "Damn! I desparately NEED to show the other violists about this".

"Don't show them!" Jackson tried to snatch Jihyo's phone from her readied hands, but it was no use chasing the agile girl around the spacious hotel room while wearing four-inch heels and a long dress.

"You go oppa! Work that dress!" Dahyun's boisterous voice cries out from behind the couch, secretly filming the flimsy man trying to chase the tall-statured photographer, who proudly wavered her phone in the air for taking a successful batch of pictures.

Jackson focused his gaze back to Eunha, who was still being indecisive about what song to play next on her iPhone.

"Don't forget to send the photos to Eunha!" Momo said to Jihyo with a pig's trotter in her mouth, "She's going to LOVE this".

"DON'T YOU DARE!" He shouted, his face growing in rage as the principal violist tempted to press the 'send' button on her phone.

"Okay unnies, I think that's enough", The kind and innocent birthday girl, Sana Minatozaki, spared their tormented guest from any further misery as she entered our room. Saved by the bell, Jackson Wang rushed to the bathroom to take a quick shower and return to his regular clothes while the other girls resorted to their social media accounts to share their hilarious yet ludicrous collection of photos.

A few minutes later, Jackson returned with a towel draped around his neck, glaring indignantly at his oppressors.

"Don't worry, oppa. I'll call some of the male orchestra members to come here", Eunha paused her party playlist to make a call on her smartphone. It wasn't clear who she was talking to, but the girls assumed it was Bambam, one of the Pops Orchestra's percussionists, because of Eunha's use of informal speech towards the younger boy. Jeongyeon's face lit up at the sound of his voice, knowing that she won't be the only one drinking heavily tonight (Even though Bambam is the same age as Dahyun, Chaeyoung, Tzuyu, SinB, Umji, and Youngjae; and therefore, still underage).

"Can I invite some of my guy friends over as well?" Jackson asked, preparing his cell phone.

Eunha raised a suspicious eyebrow at him, "Like who?"

"You'll know them once they arrive", Jackson assured, dialing down a couple of his buddies.

Eunha scratched her head, "Well, I guess its okay to invite some guy friends here. But don't turn Sana's party into a sausage fest or I'll cut you.

"WHEEE~!I'm going to have strangers at my slumber party!" The birthday girl piped up. Sana probably never had a lot of guests show up to her previous birthday parties. The other girls didn't mind having Jackson's male friends over as well. In fact, Jeongyeon was in favor of the idea. However, I started to feel jittery after realizing that I'm going to be surrounded by Jackson's loud-ass friends who will put an end to my eardrums.

"You better not tell your guy friends that we're strippers", Nayeon warned.

Jackson let out a slight giggle, "Why the hell would I do that? They're not interested into that kind of stuff!"

While Jackson was making his call, a quiet Youngjae returned with shopping bags filled snacks that he had bought from the nearest convenience store. Viennese assorted chips, popcorn, cookies, candy, crackers, cheeses, and dips & spreads were a part of the snackling lineup. The most important item that he stuffed at the bottom of the bag was Sana's birthday cake, in which he sneaked by and deceitfully hid in the refrigerator.

"You guys! Let's finish our previous game of 'Truth or Dare' before more boys arrive", Tzuyu insisted, nudging Jeongyeon to begin the game.

Not this shit again...

"I don't want to!" Umji whined, folding her arms she let out a pout, "You guys made me sext message Mina's private teacher!"

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MADE HER DO WHAT?" I cried at the mention of Umji's dare.

"It was Momo's idea!" Yerin focused her eyes at the culprit, who was sitting quietly while finishing her jokbal "Right Momo?"

"Huh?" the airheaded girl was confuzzled, "Well, I—"

*Knock Knock*

"I'll answer it!" Sana declared as she pranced towards the door, hoping to find ravishing guests.

"Hello! Welcome to—" her overjoyed voice ceased as soon as she encountered two familiar men standing at our doorstep.

"Y'all know Mark, and Junior, right?" Jackson grinned.

Oh. My. God.

"Not these gays..." SinB muttered under her breath, knowing that Jackson had just invited our section mates that we see every day.

"You must be the birthday girl", Mark Tuan grinned flirtatiously, steadying the astonished horn player's fall as if he were creating a romantic, heroic scene from a fairy-tale, receiving a precipitous squeal from the female masses watching from behind (and a groan from SinB).

"C'mon hyung, stop cheating on me!" Junior nudged his amorous boyfriend.

"You know who Mark is?" I asked Sana.

She nodded, "He's in one of my classes."

"Come on you guys! Quit being cheesy!" Jihyo encouraged, smacking the Sana and Mark on the back to get their motor running, "We just started to release the beverages."

"Yeah! Let's bring out the Redbull!" Yuju chimed in with the short violist's enthusiasm, "Sana will become a legal woman!"

"Don't forget the champagne!" Sowon added, holding two massive bottles in her alcohol-scented hands, "We're tasting the stars tonight!!!"

After a few amusing yet tiring rounds of Spin the Bottle (Truth or Dare?), Call of Duty, Musical Chairs, Uno, and Twister, Chaeyoung finally woke up and Choi Youngjae finally brought out the birthday cake from the fridge. The cake he bought for Sana was a La Bête Noir, an French cake consisting of a marriage of chocolate and vanilla with semi-sweet chocolate mousse, vanilla crème brûlée, chocolate ganache, and vanilla bean infused syrup. Youngjae lit up the twenty-one candles circulating around the cake's edges before Momo turned off the lights for the candles to shimmer.

Jihyo initiated the traditional birthday song with her cheery, sing-song voice, "Let's begin! ONE, TWO, THREE!"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y—"

*Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep*

"THE CAKE IS ON FIRE!" Nayeon screamed.

Without notice, a smoke alarm set off within the midst of the kitchen perimeter, alarming the party guests as the boys scurried in the dark to find a fire extinguisher while the girls screamed helplessly. A calm and composed Tzuyu walked to the nearest window to open the window frame, allowing the frosty winter wind to temperate the climate of the room. Eventually, the candle's flaring flames gave in to the frigid cold and set off on its own, not giving the birthday girl a chance to come up with a wish. There was a huge moment of silence for the fallen cake.

"Rest in peace, Sana Minatozaki's birthday cake", Jeongyeon intiates the sign of the cross on her body while putting her hands together in prayer.

"I swear, your cake seemed more like a Baked Alaska than a regular chocolate cake!" Mark joked, trying to lighten up the mood.

Sana didn't let the disaster get to her nerves, "Hah! I guess you're right!"

In the long run, everybody else gave into his jesting whim and laughed along, Jeongyeon slicing the cake for everyone to share as she tossed the destroyed candles into the trash can. While everyone was busy enjoying their delectable, appetizing chocolate cake, a lonely figure enters through the door that Sana left open after being started by Mark and Junior. Most of the girls (including me) reacted by shrieking before hiding under the dining table. SinB nearly falls off her chair in discombobulation, but Mark's tender hand once again steadied the girl's fall.

"Get your hands off me!" SinB swiped Mark's hand away.

"SHIT! WHAT IS THAT?" I wailed, my intimidated state causing everyone else to laugh at me.

"Omo! Mina is so cute when she's scared!" Dahyun banters and I gave her the finger.

"Now where's the switch...?" Youngjae murmurs to himself as his hand searches the walls, trying to locate the lightswitch.

Click!

"Ah!", His wandering fingertips landed on the switch, "There it is!"

At last, the wandering shadow is finally revealed: His adorable face was playing an expression of puzzlement and discomfiture at the startled party guests. He was holding a collection of movies that he brought from home. Most of them were horror movies, a genre that might disgust and/or terrify the girls (and Ryeowook) currently residing under the glass table.

"BAMBAM!" Chaeyoung suddenly exclaimed upon the arrival of her percussionist buddy, thumping her head with one of the table legs.

Yerin's eyes grew wide, "Did Chaeyoung just speak?"

"She's deaf, not mute you idiot", I mumbled.

"Sorry I'm late. I was searching for my movies", Bambam apologized before walking up to the birthday girl, "Happy birthday, Sana!"

"Thank you", she smiled, walking up to the kitchen counter to hand him a plate, "I'll give you the last slice of cake."

Something came to Jeongyeon's outlandish mind as she glanced at the DVDs held in Bambam's hands, "You guys! I think I have an idea! Since we have a ton of snacks that Youngjae bought from the convenience store, let's have a movie night while I heat up the popcorn in the microwave. I'll have the birthday girl choose what movies we're going to watch for the night."

"I'd rather have you guys choose the movie for the night", Sana suggested as a token of gratitude for attending her party.

After a lengthy tournament of Kai Bai Bo (Rock-Paper-Scissors), Mark was the declared winner of the epic game. He knows that his partner, Junior, isn't very fond of war movies or any other film with brutal fighting scenes involved, ,ostly those that have to do with bazookas, cannons, bombs, other artillery, etc. Thus he decided to go with a horror movie since he doesn't favor romantic genres, much to the disappointment of the female guests. Also, that son of a bitch knows that I hate horror and gore. The movie he chose was the first installment of the Saw series.

"Is this a good movie?" Bambam inquired his friend as he identified the disc's gory cover.

Mark nodded, "Trust me, it's a real thriller! I watched this with Yugyeom and JB!"

"This better not be gruesome", SinB warned her ruthless friend, who was probably dismayed by their quarrel before The Juilliard Ball.

"No promises!" Mark giggled to himself, receiving a nasty look from Yerin's partner.

The beginning of the movie received no reaction from the audience, but once the main antagonist was introduced and the testimonies of his victims were revealed, the girls in the room started to become more skeptical as they watched one of the victims fight though a caged-in razor-wire maze and a nude man attempting to obtain an antidote from a locker, trying to avoid getting caught on fire by the candle he uses to locate the combination of the lock on the walls. However, the scene that disgusted the girls the most was the reverse bear trap, a mechanical contraption that is attached to the victim's head. If the victim fails to unlock it before the timer goes off, their jaws will be ripped and their face will be teared open. Eventually, the movie ended with the girls being more than appalled.

"THIS MOVIE IS DISGUSTING! WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS?" Yerin complained as she clung herself to SinB's leg.

"Another one!" Mark ignored the older girl's rants and continued to play the next movie, The Human Centipede. Fucking shit. I've watched this movie with my other section. I kept hiding my face with my jacket for ninety percent of the movie and Jun wouldn't stop teasing me for days.

"We've already watched enough horror movies!" Yuju moaned, hoping for him to play a romantic film to relieve their jitters.

Jackson gave the violinist a fiendish expression, "This is payback for torturing me earlier. Besides, you proclaimed that the winner of the 'Kai-Bai-Bo' game would choose the sequence of the films. I won fair and square and you'll just have to deal with my decision."

"What did they do to you?" Junior curiously questioned.

"Don't ask", Jackson muttered.

Dahyun didn't seem so petrified about watching a second horror film, inching towards the door that acted as our only source of light, "Let's go!"

"NO! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!" I begged.

"Oh, I see! Mina's scared!" Dahyun teased, slowly closing the door as a tactic to torment me.

"I am NOT scared", I argued.

Sana is about to embarrass me again, "I can't sleep well because you have that nightlight next to your be—"

"SHUSH!"

"Mina is scared of the dark! Mina is scared of the dark!" Momo sings.

"Shut your mouth or else I'm going to throw this cake at you", I threaten, but then Momo just giggles. Oh yeah, food isn't Momo's weakness.

Mark ignores us, pressing the 'play' button on the remote.

This is where shit got real.

Much like the beginning of the first horror film they've watched, there was no sudden reaction. However, once a crazed German surgeon by the name of Dr. Josef Heiter introduces his three victims to the 'Human Centipede' project, screaming and hiding oneself behind another object was nothing short of normal. As he explained the surgery procedure and how he was going to carry it out, most of the girls (Especially those who tortured Jackson earlier) started to become weary as Jackson chuckled in his great glory, Chaeyoung and the other boys confused by their quarrel.

"STOP THE FILM!" I demanded, attempting to snatch the remote from Mark Tuan, the self-proclaimed 'Rock-Paper-Scissors' winner.

"What are you talking about?" Jackson brutally snickered at their disposition, "You're going to miss the best part!"

"What part?" Eunha innocently cocked her head as her boyfriend's query.

"THE OPERATION SCENE, OF COURSE!" Jackson heartily laughed as if he were the main villian in a Disney film.

Me and the other girls screamed and cringed as they were forced to witness the severing of the victim's body parts. Heiter detaches their ligaments in their knees so that they cannot get up on their feet and are forced to crawl. However, the part that triggers us to cower the most is the scene where he extracts the teeth of both women and dismembers the bottocks of one of them, including the Japanese man, who supposedly was intended to be the 'front' of this three-dog experiment. Finally, as he surgically transplants their mouths to each other's anuses, I screeched to the point where I might've woken up our neighbors and went as far as clinging onto Sana Minatozaki for comfort.

Sadistically, Sungmin came up with a horrid joke, "You know what? Maybe I should make a human centipede out of the twelve girls in this room."

"NO, FUCK YOU! I'M NOT WATCHING THIS MOVIE EVER AGAIN!" I grimaced at the wicked man, getting up from my seat next to the horn player.

Sana pulls my arm, "Mina, wait! Don't leave me here!"

Mark opens his mouth for a tease, "Aww. Mina is so cute when she's sca—"

"SHUT UP!"

"You have a sick sense of humor, hyung. You know that, right?" Bambam admitted, sitting in the corner while munching on his popcorn.

"I know right", Youngjae agreed as he gave off an amused chuckle.

"I take that as a compliment", he proudly takes in his given title, "I get that a lot from Eunha as well."

"Now I'm REALLY curious about what Yuju and the others did to you earlier", Junior chimed in onto their joking bandwagon.

The movie commenced with Heiter using his finished experiment as a pet, training it and giving it commands as he spat racist jokes to the Japanese man assigned to the front. As soon as he's forced to defecate, the victim placed in the middle is forced to swallow his excrement while the doctor ruthlessly watches for the use of his own entertainment. This scene caused the boys to grin and chuckle as the girls clutched to the nearest person to hold on to their disgust (Yes, even Dahyun had the instinct to hang onto Tzuyu).

"Wait", Nayeon paused the movie, regarding what Jackson had said in his first comment, "What did you mean by making the 'twelve' of us into a human centipede. There are thirteen girls currently in this room. Who is the one girl that you're leaving out?"

"Chaeyoung didn't do anything to torture me", he straight-forwardly replied before snatching the remote from Nayeon's trembling hands.

After the end of the movie, the girls were finally at ease to hear that the romance film was up next. This time, the boys started to become listless and drowsy as opposed to their excitement and merrymaking upon watching the two horror films. The personality of the girls improved as well, squealing in either awe or shock at every kissing scene, causing Jackson to roll his eyes. However, he felt that he wasn't alone, as Eunha also felt boredom while watching the cheesy chick-flick. Ultimately, Jackson offered to have Eunha's head rest on his lap before dozing off along with her.

"Aren't they cute?" Sana nudged me to point at the couple, an amused grin adorned on her face.

I shook my head, "Eunha is too good for Jackson."

"What do you find in an ideal man?" she suddenly asks, motioning to my bed and crawling under the sheets.

"Man?"

"Or woman...? Whatever?" Sana scrambles in her words, "Wait, let me rephrase this. What do you find in an ideal partner?"

"I..." I contemplate, rocking back and forth in my bed as I'm hugging a pillow, "I guess someone who matches who I am."

"So you want somebody who's rich, hot-tempered, perfectionistic, and too scared to even sleep in the dark?"

"Excuse me?" I hit Sana over the head with my pillow.

"OW! I'm just kidding!" the horn player laughs, ruffling my red hair, "But whatever decision you make, whether you decide to be in a relationship or remain single, I hope that you're happy in the end. You can have the choice of becoming a lonely cat lady for the rest of your life and still be happy. Just don't tell Sunny that I told you that. She's still single and living alone in Berlin with two cats."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Welp, I didn't realize that I had written another lengthy chapter. In fact, this chapter is longer than the previous chapter (14k words+). Were you surprised at this chapter? Sunny's conversation with Mina? The surprise cameo by Kwon Yuri, principal character of The Bucket List? Sana's birthday party? What do you think will happen to Mina after she cracked a note in the public eye? I'd love to hear your opinions!
> 
> I can totally imagine Mina singing Songbird.
> 
> For the first time in this story, I'm going to have a multi-part bonus elaborating on the past of the San Francisco Youth Symphony Members — fragments of memories that can't be told nor seen through the eyes of Mina since this story is written in from Mina's point of view.
> 
> \-----
> 
> Falsetto - a method of voice production used by singers to sing notes higher than their normal range
> 
> Fortississimo - with greatest loudness 
> 
> Mode - a type of scale, coupled with a set of characteristic melodic behaviours. 
> 
> Roll - a technique that a percussionist employs to produce, on a percussion instrument, a sustained sound, "over the value of the written note." Rolls are used by composers to sustain the sound and create other effects, the most common of which is using a roll to build anticipation.
> 
> Motif - A short musical idea, a salient recurring figure, musical fragment or succession of notes that has some special importance in or is characteristic of a composition


	19. corrente

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and I'll give you a synopsis of this chapter. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_corrente_  
Origin: Italian/French  
Running

**The Eighty-Ninth Measure**

**[Flashback to twelve year-old Mina]  
  
"Mom. Dad. I'm tired", I sighed, pulling the reed away from my mouth.  
  
I've been practicing Vivaldi's  _[Bassoon Concerto in E-flat major](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgPwG99Ndpw) _ for about five hours after finishing my schoolwork and dinner. I took a quick glimpse at my bedroom window to see that the skies are murky and grey — nightfall has arrived. Hours ago, it was sunset with a purple-pinkish gradient splashed across the sky.  _I can't believe that I've been practicing for this long. At this rate, I'm only going to get four hours of sleep._  
  
I hate Vivaldi.  
  
"You're not going to sleep until you play this movement _perfectly_ ", she necessitated.  
  
"This note should be played as _forte_ , not _fortepiano_. You should be using this alternate fingering for F so that your fingers will become more nimble. And stop articulating with the back of your throat like a dead frog", my dad furthered with the choosy commentary, "Got it?"**  
  
**He says this and I literally feel like a dead frog. The unrelenting vibrations from the reed caused my lips to tremor and I could barely speak properly. I feel painfully lightheaded and I'm out of breath too. I think I might just cry. _I just want sleep. I want to sleep so badly._ My parents emphasized that the competition is in two days and I can't afford to slack off, not even now.    
  
"Play each note with precision and pay attention to the dynamics", mom asserts, "Don't be so driven by your emotions. You must never do anything to change the composition because in competitions, the judges will assume that you don't understand the piece nor the composer."**  
  
**"And just remember, Mina", my dad adds, "One flawed note makes all the difference between a winner and a loser."**

* * *

**The Nintieth Measure**

Sunday: December 27, 2020  
  
I opened my eyes as the sunlight bathed my skin as I lay on my side. I tried closing my eyes. What had happened yesterday was something I didnt want to deal with today. Those wretched thoughts bit at my brain, forbidding me to go back to sleep. I dug in my backpack and found my pocket sized mirror. Groggy, hair rummaged, side of face covered in dried drool, bags in eyes, I felt as hideous as ever. My laptop laid on the other end of the bed, waiting for me to open it. I didn't want to read any hate comments about me, especially after what happened last night.  
  
"Mina is still in bed?" Sana's voice held a perturbed tone.  
  
"I'm afraid so", SinB said in a low voice.   
  
Silence lingered in the air before one of the girls could say a single word, so Sana took initiative, "Chaeyoung and I are going to the market. We'll be back."  
  
After Sana and Chaeyoung exited our hotel room, I draped a wool blanket over my frame for warmth. My body was lying flat on top of the canopy bed with my heavy instrument case lying listlessly on the floor under my bed. That bassoon had been a dear friend to me since I was a little girl; a distraction from my rough days and a source of alleviation from my inside pain. But today, I was only reminded of that pain whenever I took a gander at it. It feels like my heart Is sagging down into an empty pit of darkness that I will never escape.  
  
Yerin walked out of the bathroom and skipped up to my bedside, "You know what makes me feel better when I'm down? Music!"  
  
"Go away", I grumbled.  
  
She hauls out my bassoon case from under the bed, a wide grin playing on her lips, "She wants to be played, Mina. 'Play me! Play me!' she says!"  
  
"DON'T TOUCH MY BASSOON!" I yelled.    
  
One hour later, an incessant door knock sounded in my left ear.  
  
"Who is it?", I can hear Yerin's sweet, mellifluous voice sounding from the kitchen as she walks up to answer the door.  
  
My heart began jumping to conclusions about The Six knocking on the door. Even worse, it could've been my mom or my dad. I prayed that the person behind the door would be Sana, Chaeyoung, Maestro Ishii, or one of the "Crack Squad" members.  _Oh, it's just Nayeon._  
  
"Mina", Nayeon said, "Can we talk?"  
  
"S-Sure", I replied in a shaky voice.  
  
"I bought two tickets to see the London Symphony Orchestra tomorrow", she whispered as she sat on the side of my bed and brushes loose strands of my red hair from my face, "Jihyo backed out because she has a viola masterclass, so I decided to bring you. I can't stand to see you here, moping around in bed when we only have a few days left in Paris."   
  
I didn't respond.  
  
Nayeon, squeezing my shoulders meaningfully, speaks in her softest voice, "Mina. I don't want your mind to revolve around your parents all the time. Don't waste moments waiting and wondering, and don't throw away your time meditating on someone that doesn't appreciate your efforts. No one is that amazing, certainly not the ones who would invest time to pick out your mistakes."  
  
I bit my lip and shivered in my position. I didn't want to be disturbed, but I couldn't help the fact knowing that Nayeon has a spare ticket that probably costed around three hundred dollars in United States currency equivalency.   
  
I sighed before I spoke, "Fine. I'll go."

* * *

**The Ninety-First Measure**

Monday: December 28, 2020  
  
The London Symphony Orchestra had their concert at the Philharmonie de Paris — homestead of Orchestre de Paris with a modern concert hall in the musically-oriented Parc de la Villette. Even from the balcony seats, I could still spot Kwon Yuri in the clarinet section, her sparkling concert gown magnificently enhanced by the stage lights and her hair tied up in an elegant ponytail. Sir Simon Rattle raises his baton and they begin to play.  
  
"The Firebird?" I whisper to myself as I inserted hearing protection into my ears.  
  
That's right — [_The Firebird_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZkIAVGlfWk) by Igor Stravinsky. The mention of that name never fails to render a bassoonist conscious. Bassoons are to Stravinsky what horns are to Strauss. Stravinsky dedicated The Firebird to his instructor and colleague Rimsky-Korsakov, another composer who implemented famous bassoon solos in his works such as Scheherazade. Rimsky-Korsakov's story-telling influence is reflected in this illustruous orchestration.  
  
And as expected, the London Symphony Orchestra executes this piece flawlessly, despite how virtuosic Stravinsky intended for this piece to play out. The percussionists are nimble in switching out their instruments and playing their parts at the exact time, at the exact speed. Even with my hearing protection, the sounds don't disappear. The piccolo and clarinets impose clean, beautiful trills with the flute playing triplets and the oboe meticulously laying out the chromatic theme. The bassoonists have great breath control and they sustain that long note without a slight crack in intonation.  
  
Rattle brings out the contrasting instruments as a unified whole and the ensemble sounds harmonious and real. I could actually picture the Firebird enchanting Koschei's minions and inducing them to perform an intricate dance. That's how sensible the London Symphony Orchestra is.  
  
And the London Symphony Orchestra has always been this down-to-earth and imaginative, technical and impassioned at the same time. I mean, they're the ensemble that recorded the scores to the _Star Wars_ films and the _Harry Potter_ movies. They know how to paint pictures with music.  
  
Why am I even here? To undermine my confidence even more?  
  
They arrive at the _Berceuse_ (or "lullaby") where Koschei's minions are put to sleep in exhaustion from dancing. This movement contains the solemn, lengthy bassoon solo that soothes me to sleep. The first half of the solo is accomplished without impediment. Principal bassoonist Adam Richards depicts the ideal bassoon sound — warm, dark, reedy, almost buzzing in the low registers, somewhat nasal in the higher registers, but most importantly, characteristic. It's like a benevolent father tucking his children to bed after an arduous day.  
  
And then he reaches the final four bars of the solo and—  
  
Oh, he missed a note.  
  
And then he cracked another note.  
  
The mishap doesn't catch everyone off guard, though. Most spectators showed no reaction to that obvious mistake in the solo — they were too absorbed in the music to notice or even care. Sir Simon Rattle doesn't flinch and the orchestra carries on as if nothing had happened.   
  
The finale commences and the solo horn makes his entrance late and he also cracks the first note, but his phrases after the fact are still as soft as cream and as bright as the morning sunlight. The magical creatures that Koschei held captive are freed and they're rejoicing in glorious swells of music that ring out in triumph. At the impact from the last divine note, the audience members leap up from their feet and cheer. It wouldn't be regarded as a perfect performance in the end, but the rush of excitement and the emotional intensity diffusing off the musicians was enough to convince people otherwise.  
  
What I learned about Parisian music festival-goers is that they're remarkably laid-back when it came to orchestral concerts. Many of the younger spectators dressed comfortably because they were sprinting from concert hall to concert hall to see their favorite orchestras. But that's not the point I'm trying to make here. A few hours ago, for the entire trek from our hotel to the nineteenth arrondissement, Nayeon told me not to disguise myself even after the mess from two nights ago. Nobody was talking about my mistake. Nobody seemed to care about me nor my mistake.

* * *

**The Ninety-Second Measure**

Nayeon and I wandered aimlessly around the opulent lobby of the Philharmonie de Paris, waiting for Yuri to come out from one of the dressing rooms. From the flat-screened television featuring other orchestral and operatic performances, to the posh red velvet chairs, the lobby resembled a mansion. As for the paintings of famous classical composers, dancers, and actors, the lobby also resembled a mini museum, as their were placards explicating on each person's history. The TV replayed tonight's performance with the same blunders from the bassoon and the horn.   
  
"See, Mina", Nayeon points at the television screen, "Not everybody is perfect. Not even the London Symphony Orchestra."  
  
"Adam Richards is old. I don't have an excuse", I mumbled.  
  
"But the horn player who made an error is young too", Nayeon mentions, "And he isn't deaf."  
  
The London Symphony Orchestra, or at least those musicians that made those errors, must've been exhausted because of their hectic schedule. We, as students of the Juilliard school, are no different. We had just overcome finals and music juries two weeks ago and are still expected to perform at this festival. This goes to say that at the end of the day, we're all human and we're all bound to make mistakes at some point in our life.  
  
"Let me guess", Nayeon begins, putting a finger to her chin, "You're just worried about the reaction you'll receive from your parents."  
  
Oh crap. In the duration that I've been watching this performance, I forgot about my parents. The orchestra had my brain too caught up in Stravinsky's world of _The Firebird_ to have me render any emotions of fear or anxiety. But now that she brings this up, my mind everts back the same mental process that I had yesterday. I'm having this hunch that my mom or my dad would pop up at any given minute now.  
  
Nayeon panicked, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bring that up!"  
  
Before we could say anything else, a familiar girl comes into my periphery — her white crochet-collared top tucked into a black pleated high-low skirt that sways with an invisible force. An expensive pair of Gucci leather-studded sandals click-clack against the lobby's mirrored floors.  
  
"Penguin-chan and Nayeon?" the clarinetist pipes up in her chirpy voice, "Two of Juilliard's hottest girls? Well isn't this just a match made in heaven!"  
  
It's just Jennie.  
  
"I'm taken", the opposing clarinetist curls her lips inward, showing scorn towards the girl.  
  
"My goodness! I forgot that you were dating", Jennie takes this fact as a surprise, "That fat violist, right?"  
  
Nayeon flares up, "Fuck you! Jihyo is beautiful, more so than your heart!"  
  
Something offsets me about their communication. It could be Nayeon's short temper, but now that I think about it, this isn't the first time Jennie had made a crude comment about someone's outward appearance. She derided Sana for wearing "anime-like" clothing and Chaeyoung for being too indifferent about her clothing choice, when the reality is that Chaeyoung can only afford what fits in with her budget (which isn't much).  
  
"So what are you guys playing at the Festival Competition tomorrow?" Jennie asks in an attempt to fluctuate the mood.  
  
"That's none of your business", Nayeon retorts, straightening her jacket on her shoulders.  
  
"Uhh... okay?" Jennie swings over to me, "You, Mina?"  
  
"Just Bach", I simply answered, "Partita in A Minor."  
  
Jennie's eyes grew wide, "Really, Penguin-chan? Are you a masochist? That's a hard-ass piece for wind instrumentalists."  
   
"I'm trying to redeem myself from that last concert."  
  
"Alrighty then. I wish you guys luck, then! I have to go back to my practice", Jennie turned in a circle, walking in the opposite direction of us.  
  
Half an hour passed by and Yuri is still not here. Nayeon and I slumped up in a seat close to the Philharmonie's bar and bakery when out of nowhere, Jeongyeon and Momo scoop up a seat from an abandoned table and sit with us. _I had no idea that they watched the London Symphony Orchestra too_. The two girls removed their overcoats to expose the dazzling dresses that Jeongyeon claimed to have bought at a discounted price.  
  
Right in front of the entrance with a clipboard in his hands was a dashing young cashier wearing a uniform that strongly resembled the attire worn by waiters from MBC's _The 1st Shop of The Coffee Prince_ (Nayeon’s favorite pastime, which is watching old Korean drama). He had lips as plump as sweet berries and the scent of his cologne smelled as strong as midnight sex. His dirty blonde hair was styled in deep waves that women wouldn't mind riding. His eyes are big, blue, and daring as he casually scanned the female couple with his ravishing gaze.   
  
"Bonsoir, mesdames. Voulez-vous quelque chose à boire? Manger?" (Good evening, ladies. Would you like something to drink? To eat?)  
  
"Oh!" Nayeon jumped and hid her flustered face, not catching his French tongue. He looked at the clarinetist with a perplexed expression, but soon shrugged it off. In spite of all disconnection, he faced her Japanese friend an enticing glance.  
  
"Parlez-vous français?" (Do you speak French?), He asked.  
  
Momo stuttered in the worst possible French she could conjure up in her head, "L-La pizza, lundi, un chien, un petit oiseau se fait frapper par une voiture. Je m'appelle l'hamburger de saut" (Th-The pizza, monday, a dog, a small bird gets hit by a car. I call myself the jumping hamburger).  
  
"SHUT UP, MOMO!" embarrassed, I wanted to slap the girl with a menu. I might've not taken a course in French or have studied in a Francophone country before, but I have enough knowledge of the language to know that Momo's words don't make coherent sense.  
  
"Je pense que nous avons pris notre décision", (I think that we've made our decision.) Jeongyeon reiterates smoothly and it astonishes me. I had not been aware of the fact that Jeongyeon took up four years of French in high school and two years of French in Juilliard, or so Nayeon says. Momo did too, but she wasn't as interested as the disciplined timpanist when it came to learning a third language (Momo speaks Japanese too).  
  
He chuckled at her Jeongyeon's slightly English-sounding accent, collecting our menus, "Aucun problème, mademoiselle. Votre repas arriveront bientôt." (No problem, mademoiselle. Your meal will arrive soon)  
  
The dessert was just that. I thought that I would lose my appetite from brooding in bed yesterday, but I was so hungry and dessert — a puffy pastry with succulently rich raspberry layers of crème pâtissière — was too good to even ignore. I gulped down the entire meal in one sitting, astounding my friends as they watched the me savor my last few bites of the creamy, luscious confection that is a vanilla millefeuille with fresh raspberries.   
  
"Mina, you're a monster", Momo teased.  
  
"Just don't let her get to your fries or else she'll drown it in ketchup", Jeongyeon jumps on the bantering bandwagon.  
  
I slapped the timpanist's hand, "Be quiet!"  
  
The English-speaking waitress who had seated arrived Nayeon and I noticed two newcomers to our designated table, "That's odd. I don't remember seeing four girls seated in one table, especially in this one".  
  
"Sorry for the inconvenience", Jeongyeon classily spoke up, "We just happened to run into our friends."  
  
"No problem, mademoiselle. We bottled all the assortments of wine for our guests on this fine day", she smirks and it tempts Jeongyeon.  
  
"We are absolutely NOT drinking tonight", I made clear. Then the waitress took off to fetch the orders of other customers.  
  
The handsome waiter from earlier came back again. Momo's meal was the first order to arrive at the table: One order of _dodine de volaìlle et foìe gras de conard, pourpier sauvage, vìnaigrette douce_ (Cold boned chicken with duck foie gras, wild pulsane and sweet vinaigrette) and an order of _Bœuf taìllé au couteau comme un tartare, grosses frites et sauce choron_ (Beef tartare, large french fries, and choron sauce).  
  
"Mother of God", I placed my hand over my mouth at Momo's super-colossal order.  
  
"Give bassoon-chan her own platter of fries", Jeongyeon commands while holding up a bottle of Heinz Ketchup to taunt me.  
  
I smacked the bottle out of her hand, "I don't want her damn fries! I'm on a diet."  
  
"What diet? You're skinnier than America's Next Top Model!" Momo seethes of jealousy.  
  
I take a moment to change the subject before anybody could quesiton me about my eating habits, "Jeongyeon is pretty good at French."  
  
"I've always wanted to learn French", Nayeon blissfully sighed as she looked over at the view of city, with the Eiffel Tower in the backdrop. "I would've taken French as one of Juilliard's liberal arts requirements if I knew that we were going to stay in Paris for two or three weeks."  
  
Momo giggled at her statement, "Meh. French teachers are kinda crazy."  
  
"That's because you barely paid attention in class. You were only concerned about how many minutes we had left until lunch, you nut!" Jeongyeon playfully flicks the blonde girl on the forehead, then she turns to me, "And thanks, fagott-chan. But Jennie is better at speaking French, though."  
  
"I don't trust that bitch", Nayeon explained as she played with her fork, a frivolous habit of hers whenever she's in a restaurant setting.  
  
"Why?" I questioned.  
  
The clarinetist gave me an incredulous look, "You don't remember what happened at Interlochen?"  
  
"I don't remember _anything_ that happened at Interlochen!" I defended.  
  
Actually, I do. I attended Interlochen Arts Camp for nine two-month summers, from third grade to twelfth grade, only missing one summer in the eleventh grade because I was on tour with the National Youth Orchestra of the United States of America (NYO-USA). My recollections of that music camp are so fuzzy in my mind. Not a single happy memory stuck out because the kids at that camp are so lethally cutthroat (I am no exception). Eight weeks there and I swore that I could've lost at least seven pounds from the formidable camp activities and four-hour rehearsals.  
  
And it wasn't just the cold, bratty kids that set me on a short fuse during those summers.  
  
In the sixth grade, the brass players thought that it would be hilarious to teepee (in other words, throw toilet paper) over our cabin until the next morning, our camp counselors made us tidy up the mess before dawn. In the seventh grade, I met Mingyu and his middle school friends (Wonwoo and Jeonghan, I believe) aided him in sneaking a love letter under my cabin's doorstep for all of the girls to buzz over. In the eighth grade, I can only remember those stupid bonding games issued by my camp counselor, one of them being where my cabinmates dragged me into a challenge to see who could hold a note on the bassoon for the longest amount of time before passing out on the hardwood floors. Guess who won and got sent to the infirmary after losing consciousness and having their blood pressure spiked?  
  
In the ninth grade, a heat wave had hit Michigan and I was rushed to the hospital after having a heatstroke. In the tenth grade, I was bitten by a wolf spider and got rushed to the hospital _again_. In the twelfth grade, Bobby decided to sneak his bassoonist girlfriend, Sora or whatever the fuck, into my cabin and they pounced on each other like the hormonal teenagers they were. Guess whose bunk bed fell victim to their wet mess?  
  
In conclusion, I didn't have any pleasant memories in Interlochen other than probably playing the pieces that I loved. I can't recall what happened to Jennie and Nayeon because they were always assigned to a different cabin from what I had. Or maybe I'm just missing something.  
  
"Anyways", Nayeon heaves after swallowing a bite of her croque monsieur, "When we had those "play-offs" at the camp, Jennie heard about the piece that I was about to play and she performed the _exact same_ piece as me, making it easier for people to compare who played better."  
  
"She won, didn't she?" I guessed.  
  
"Yup."  
  
Now it makes sense why Nayeon didn't want to answer Jennie's question from earlier.   
  
"Other than Jennie, I'm worried about Chaeyoung now that Reina and Shori are off suspension", Nayeon stresses, "We all need to watch over her as soon as the second semester begins because now that those two kids are back, I can't predict what's going to happen to Chaeyoung."  
  
"From Momo's intel as Juilliard's office aide, Chaeyoung and Karen will share two of the same classes for the next semester", Jeongyeon restates.  
  
"Mina, Reina, Shori, Jennie, Yuzuna, and Shuuka also have a class together", Momo adds, her eyes wide with dread, "Musicology at noon."  
  
"A class with Reina's boyfriend and four members of The Six? Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked in horrified disbelief.  
  
"On the brighter side, you're not alone", Momo tries to put me at ease with one of those reassuring smiles, "Sana, Jihyo, and Eunha also signed up for that class so you'll have some guard. Also, Reina and Shori are being waitlisted for that class so there's no guarantee that they'll get in."  
  
I sunk in my chair, "I hope that you're right."  
  
"Anyways, back to Chaeyoung", Nayeon insists, "Reina and Shori don't seem to be very happy after getting in trouble. Their long suspension period made them fail their classes and now they have to retake those classes next semester, along with having seventy-two thousand dollars docked out of their banks. I know that President Polisi is stepping up to defend the disabled, but knowing Reina, I can only envision the worst."  
  
She's right. I can imagine how agitated Reina and Shori must be for failing their classes and having thousands of dollars deducted from their parents' bank accounts to repay Chaeyoung's family. It's all my fault for causing this shitstorm.  _Fucking hell._ Never mind about what my parents think of my mistake, what's going to happen to Chaeyoung and I once the second semester begins? I feel like an idiot for not communicating with her as much as I should. I've been too hung up about spending time with Sana that it looks almost as if I'm pushing Chaeyoung to the sidelines.    
  
Why is it so difficult to maintain a social life?  
  
"You know what, Mina?" the clarinetist whirls her wine glass in her hand, "I have this weird belief that Chaeyoung is a mirrored image of you."  
  
_Really, Nayeon?_  
  
"I see that too!" Momo concedes while swiping a stray french fry off Nayeon's plate.  
  
I'm getting frustrated with them, "Seriously, you guys? How?"   
  
"She's deaf, you're sort of deaf", Jeongyeon pitches in with a giggle, "She broke up with Dahyun because she's still trying to figure out herself. You broke away from The Six and that made you try to figure out yourself. She's being bullied by The Six, you're being bullied by your parents."  
  
Her last sentence puts me at an anxious state, "Who the hell told you about that?"  
  
"I sort of figured when your mom splashed coffee on Sana", Jeongyeon rehashes, scratching her head, "Also, Sana told me about that one time your mom yelled at you over the phone during Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals or something."  
  
_Fucking Sana._  
  
"Sorry! I was just curious", she apologizes.  
  
Jeongyeon makes a point, though. I'm not going to deny that Chaeyoung and I are sort of the same person. She was robbed of her hearing aides by Reina and her boyfriend. I was robbed of my chance at being hearing-abled because of my parents' lack of health awareness. I'm beginning to question whether I'm my own person or just a marionette to my mom and dad. I know that Chaeyoung is pondering about whether or not she's fit for the classical music industry, but I need more information about that. Does she still not have enough self-confidence? Does she have doubts?  
  
Do The Six factor into Chaeyoung's thoughts? I'll need to find out once the second semester begins.

* * *

**The Ninety-Third Measure**

Tuesday: December 29, 2020  
  
Every festival has a competition of some sorts materialized within its course of events, including the Parisian Winter Music Festival. This year, with the Juilliard School and other conservatory-based orchestras attending the festival, all principal players of each student orchestra will be pitted up against each other to fight for the grand prize — a fancied trophy and a ninety-four thousand euro check (about $100,000).  
  
However, the most valuable prize and the prize that everyone desires strongly is a personal concerto commissioned to the winner by the brilliant Eric Whitacre, a distinguished composer and also a professor at the Juilliard School. Normally a writer for choirs, Whitacre is also well-liked among musicians and the fact that he constructs some of the most luscious, celestial pieces of music to ride through people's ears says something about how desperate people are for the prize. The completed concerto will be performed in front of a wide audience at the 2021 BBC Proms.  
  
Second prize is also fairly good — a silver trophy, a seventy-thousand euro check (about $75,000), and a personal sonata composed by Seohyun. They will also have the benefit of performing at the 2021 BBC Proms alongside the grand prize winner.  
  
I've already won enough competitions and performed _The Black Swan,_ but my parents wouldn't simply want to for me to pass up the grand prize.  
  
Among the hundreds of participants selected to partake in this event are me, Sana, Kai, Reina, Yuzuna, Shuuka, Shori, Jennie, JB, Himchan, Jackson, Eunha, Momo, Jihyo, Youngjae, Nayeon, Eric Nam, and Jeongyeon. Letters were sent out to us three weeks in an advance so that we can prepare.  
  
The festival's signature competition would take place at the Palais Garnier in the ninth arrondissement. Me, Sana, Eunha, Momo, Jihyo, Nayeon, and Jeongyeon had to leave early to attend this free breakfast event organized by the festival committee at the designated venue. Momo was the only one who was wide-awake during breakfast as the rest of us were too exasperated to even function. The sun hadn't even come out yet.   
  
At the grand hall, the competition participants were gathered in separate factions according to the music school they attend, having different conversations in their native tongue. Maestro Gilbert, Maestro Ishii, The Juilliard Orchestra and Pops Orchestra principal players conjugated in one huge table near the exit, sitting in the most uncomfortable air ever beseeched upon us. Most people were sitting within their cliques except Jennie, who was ignoring the Reina's rants and painting her nails, the pungent scent of nail polish pervading our sector. JB, Himchan, Jackson, Youngjae, and Eric Nam had arrived late as they were goofing around in the hotel’s recreation center, hyperventilating as if they had just ran a four-mile marathon.  
  
"You're all late", Maestro Gilbert sighed, standing by the double doors when the five boys just came in.  
  
Jihyo offered the tardy men a couple of her apple strudels as they sat down. Jeongyeon was talking about how she was the one who planned Sana's birthday slumber party and also how brilliant Chaeyoung was at picking up timpani skills. She compliments Chaeyoung so much and it makes me question why Chaeyoung wasn't selected for the competition. I know that the rules state that participants must be principal players of their respective orchestras, but still. Chaeyoung had to substitute for the principal timpanist during the Juilliard Orchestra's concert and she performed tremendously despite timpani not being her forté. Chaeyoung too looked over by other Juilliard students that it's ridiculous.   
  
"Is something wrong, Mina?" Sana asked, "You're usually not this quiet during our conversations."  
  
"I... Uhhh.... I'm just wondering how the events of today are going to play out", I sheepishly giggled, trying to hide my face from shame.  
  
"It's probably going to be something like a photoshoot, an interview, and then the competition", Sana guessed, scratching her chin.  
  
I mumbled under my breath, "I'm not in the mood to do a fucking photoshoo— _ACHOOOO_!"  
  
"Holy shit. Bassoon-chan is sick?" Jeongyeon questioned me. Jihyo had a box of tissues prepared at her side.  
  
"It's just the weather", I answered in a soft voice, not wanting to cause worry to my friends, "I'll be fine."  
  
"You sound horrible", Maestro Ishii winced, her brow concerned as Nayeon nodded in agreement, "I hope you get some rest over the rest of the break before the second semester begins."  
  
"Don't worry. I should expect to get better by then", I reassured the Pops Orchestra conductor, dissimulating a confident smile in the light of all malady.  
  
A few minutes later, Hugo Martin and Amélie-Marie Patenaude, the Parisian Winter Music Festival board members, entered the room with contented expressions on their faces as the competition participants rose to give them a welcoming applause, for they are two important figures in music competition history. Momo and Sana did not know who they were, but I easily recognized them as people who were judges in competitions that me, Nayeon, and Jihyo participated in years ago. Amélie always seemed to have an approachable attitude. On the other hand, Hugo gave off a tense aura that made me nervous to the core, since he was known for his harsh critiques whenever he was placed on the judging panel.   
  
"Good morning, everybody", Amélie warmly addressed, the musicians returning the favor by replying, "Welcome to the Parisian Winter Music Festival’s competition event, proudly hosted by festival committee and televised by BBC."  
  
“Why the fuck is the British Broadcasting Corporation everywhere?” Himchan groaned.  
  
“Shh", Shuuka shushed the percussionist.  
  
Shortly after her introduction, board member Hugo proceded with the news, "When I call your orchestra, please present the competitors and have them do a quick introduction and interview while we film. This is so that online, live-streaming voters can have a glimpse of the competitors."  
  
Jennie gasped, halting her nail-painting operations, "Shit. We're having a voting system now?"    
  
"Correct", Hugo responded, rather unimpressed at the clarinetist's vulgar words, "But online votes only count for a fraction of the final result."   
  
That means that the judges still have all the power to determine whether a musician makes it or breaks it.  
  
Hearing that the competition will be televised and live-streamed developed an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Meeting my opponents who could be sitting within distance of me was not helping my self-esteem. Top it off with the fact that I'll partake in a live interview where viewers from all around the world will be able to witness my awkward disposition. My knees buckled up as Hugo ordered the soloists to stand up within their group.  
  
The first introduction came from a remarkably clean-cut woman with a noteworthy British accent, "Hello. My name is Shannon Williams from the Royal Academy of Music within London, England. I play the violin and I will be performing Reger’s [_Violin Sonata No. 8 in E Minor_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ubt89QOwWg)."  
  
Reina glanced wide-eyed at the British-Korean girl after she mentioned her name.  
  
"Do you know her?" Jennie inquired her stunned companion, "It seems that she plays the same instrument as you."  
  
"We had the same violin instructor", she mentioned in a low voice, not wanting to say anything else. _Weird, I've never seen Reina like this._  
  
"My name is Eva Väyrynen from the Sibelius Academy of Helinski, Finland. I play the french horn and I will be performing Telemann's [_Horn Concerto in D Major_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z94FDR2onOE)", the next person was a intimidating girl who was rather tall in terms of height, perhaps even taller than Tzuyu. For the most part, she frightened most of the musicians within the room, including Maestro Ishii, who could be half her size.  
  
"Hallo! I'm Sebastian Bumm from the 'Hans Eidler' School of Music. I also play the Violin and I will be playing Mendelssohn's [_Violin Concerto in E Minor_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1dBg__wsuo)", this was a spunky German man of short stature, for a man at least. If anything, he was in between Jeongyeon and Momo's height. An immature Jackson and JB snickered at the utterance of his last name. _Bumm_. Both boys received a rightful pinch in the ear by Eunha.  
  
"Igor Ivanova from the St. Petersburg Conservatory in Russia", the man plainly stated, his heavy-lidded eyes threatening to shut closed from the boredom of such long (in his dictionary) presentations, "I will be playing Dvorak's [_Cello Concerto in B Minor, Op. 104_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpmo_jfvqL4) as my piece".  
  
Jeongyeon leaned over to Momo to whisper in her ear, "He looks just like Nayeon, don't you think?"  
  
"Stoner Nayeon", Momo chortles.  
  
“Shut your mouth, both of you!” Nayeon rebutted, keeping her answer short so that she wouldn't have to be scolded by the nefarious Hugo.  
  
"I'm Krzysztof Krzyzanowski from the Fyrderyk Chopin University of Music in Warsaw", this guy had a name that sounded like a huge tongue-twister to the non-Polish musicians, "I will be playing Hummel's [ _Bassoon Concerto in F Major_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bltF44NIq0) as my piece."  
  
This person was no different from the previous soloist, her voice sounding monotonous enough to lure the entire room into a deep sleep, "I am Erna Solberg from Oslo's 'Norweigan Academy of Music'. I will perform Handel's [_Oboe Concerto No. 3 in G Minor_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT1RJQK-2Xw) as my piece."  
  
"I'm getting real sick of these stale introductions", Yuzuna carps.  
  
At last, the humdrum atmosphere of the room changed to a more pleasant ambience as a lean, French girl makes her speech in her mother language, "Bonjour, mes amis. Je suis Roséanne Park du Conservatoire de Paris. Je m’appelle Rosé. Je joue de la flute et je vais jouer de Bach's _Concerto pour flute en B mineure_ comme mon sélection concerto." (Hello, my friends. I am Roséanne Park from the Paris Conservatory. I call myself Rosé. I play the flute and I will be performing Bach's _Flute[Concerto in B Minor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQaUyhp97MI)_ as my concerto selection)  
  
"There's no way in hell that she's French", Reina said low and inarticulately.  
  
"That's because she's not", Jennie pinpointed.  
  
"How do you know?" Yuzuna asked.  
  
"I'm a part of a wind quartet at Interlochen", Jennie said, "Rosé on flute, Lisa on oboe, me on clarinet, and Our leader is a bassoonist named Jisoo. She's a fourth year at the Manhattan School of Music and the principal chair of their student orchestra. We assigned her a nickname — Ji _ssoon_."  
  
"Shut up, Jennie", Jisoo, sitting in a table in front of us, winced at the mention of that nonsensical nickname  
  
When it was the Juilliard's turn to come up, all of the other contestants surged from their seats and hollered as if we were at some K-pop concert. I've always known that the Juilliard School was famous, but I didn't know that we were _this_ famous.   
  
"Hello! My name is— Oh my god! Is that caterer bringing in ham? I LOVE HAM!" Momo went first but her first impression left a lot to be desired. Jeongyeon and the other musicians were cracking up and committee member Hugo Martin didn't seem too satisfied.  
  
Once Momo finished her hasty introduction, she sprinted off to the mini buffet next to the Paris Conservatory's table. Jeongyeon hid her massively-chuckling face as Nayeon and Jihyo gave her a pat on the back, comforting the nearly-dying girl with reassuring smiles. Sooner or later, as soon as the entire room settled down from Momo Hirai's comical demonstration, another familiar man stood up within the string group. He winked at Eunha before making his speech, causing the audience to squeal amongst his amorous display while Eunha decided to hide her face once again.  
  
"My name is Jackson Wang and I'm a violin major and I will be performing Tchaikovsky's _[Violin Concerto in D Major](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbJZeNlrYKg) _ as my piece. It is dedicated to a woman of mine's", His smooth, eloquent voice flourished as the female musicians swooned, causing Eunha to facepalm in all humilation.  
  
The last speech was no different from the previous one, as a familiar figure catches Momo's astonished eye as she makes her introduction, "I'm Yoo Jeongyeon. I will be performing Kraft’s [_Concerto for Timpani and Orchestra_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90xIsCpELas) to portray the intensity of mine and Momo Hirai’s love."  
  
"SO FUCKING HOT!" one of the contestants from the Boston Conservatory of Music screamed.  
  
"Good grief... too many Romeos in the house", Sana sighed behind my shoulder, causing me to flinch, "Thank God I'm gay or else my musical ears would pop from hopping onto their squealing bandwagon."  
  
Sana talks about her ears popping and it briefly reminds me that I'm hard of hearing.  
  
Wait, did Sana just say that she's—  
  
The horn player nudged my sides to get my attention, "It's your turn."  
  
"Oh! Yeah... I'm Mina Myoui!", my startled self firmly stood up from my sitting position, presenting in a nasal tone with a nervous yet fakely-optimistic voice that nearly made the entire room burst into laughter, "I'm a junior at The Juilliard School and I will be performing... uhhh..."  
  
"Bach! Bach!" I faintly heard someone silently enunciate their words from across the room.  
  
I peered around the room, only to be caught by Nayeon's humorous mouthing, "Oh right! I will be performing Bach’s _Partita in A Minor_... yeah..."  
  
"And what instrument do you play?" committee member Amélie asked.  
  
_Oh god Mina no._ I opened my mouth to answer, "I play the ba— ACHOOO!"  
  
I was mortified, frozen to the spot while my brain scattered like an anxious penguin. The silence quickly escalated into a huge fit of laughter and even Reina was banging her fists on our table. Embarrassment fell like a weapon of the Gods, arbitrary as they are.   
  
"Mina is so cute", I heard a girl from Oberlin's table coo and I was itching to hide underneath the table.  
  
The other introductions went along until we finally reached Sana, the last person to make her introduction. The men around the room appeared to be infactuated by her sweet, high-pitched voice and the girls were lauding at her (or more accurately, _mine's_ ) velvet Prada dress.    
  
"Say, Minatozaki. I don't think that I've ever heard of that name in the classical music realm. Have you ever won in a music competition before?" Hugo Martin scrutinizes, adjusting his glasses. Clearly, a glint of judgment bounced off his thick lenses.  
  
"No", she responded. Pairs of eyes in the auditorium fell on the blonde girl.  
  
"Not even second or third place?"  
  
"Nope", she shook her head nonchalantly.  
  
"Well, Sana..." Amélie was at a loss for words at this underrated horn player, "I wish you the best of luck at the competition this evening."

* * *

**The Ninety-Fourth Measure**

Four hours before the wind division would begin, which would combine both woodwind and brass musicians, Chaeyoung had hotfooted from the Palais Garnier to the nearest patisserie, which is about nine blocks away, and back to the venue for the commencement of the string division. She had brought Sana a box of canelés as today is her _real_ birthday.  
  
Canelés are flavored with rum, so the fact that Chaeyoung chose the momentous pastry for the twenty-one year-old symbolizes the idea that Sana reached a paramount stage in her life — a stage where she has become an adult and is entitled to more privileges, such as alcohol.  
  
_Psh._ As if she's never had alcohol before.  
  
And by the way, I don't encourage underage drinking **at all** , even though I'm sometimes guilty of it.  
  
The great thing about having Sana and Chaeyoung around is that we can converse without disrupting anybody. Sign language is a useful tool of communication when you want to share your thoughts on someone's performance while not make a single sound at the same time. I might not be great at sign language compared to Chaeyoung, but I'm constantly learning from my job at the Disability Resources Center and online tutorials.  
  
The strings category begins and Jackson is the first person to perform, pulling off a sold performance that not only pulled the heartstrings of the ladies and his cherished Eunha, but also wooed the judges and the critics. It's safe to say that he set the bar for other violinists. The sleepier contestant from the conference earlier also performed spectacularly. Igor Ivanova, a cellist from the St. Petersburg Conservatory in Russia, received an astounding applause from the crowd as his placid cello sailed through the entire concerto with poise and peerless tranquility.   
  
And if those performances weren't showstoppers, Jihyo truly unraveled the viola's beauty in her rendition of Bruch's (or who Momo calls, "brunch") _[Romance for Viola and Piano](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MO2BSBbDozQ)_. From her pliable and expressive high notes to her affectionate and heartfelt low ones, Jihyo clearly demonstrated her instrument's astounding sound range with outbursts of mirth as well as dramatic passages of melancholy. Sana nearly cracked up at Nayeon's fascinating expression, who was certainly enraptured by Jihyo's breathtaking exhibition.  
  
"You're blushing, y'know", Sana teased her mesmerized friend sitting next to her, "Your 'prince' seems to have put you in a trance."  
  
"Wha—? No! What trance?" Nayeon denied, fidgeting with her fingers as she tries to divert from the subject.  
  
I turn to Chaeyoung, who probably can't hear Jihyo but can still appreciate her charisma onstage, " _How is she not a part of the Juilliard Orchestra?_ "  
  
" _Jihyo didn't apply for the Juilliard Orchestra_ ", Chaeyoung simply answers, " _Don't know why, but I guess that it's not her 'thing'."_  
  
Dare I say it, but Jihyo might be even better than Karen today.  
  
Indeed, Jihyo and Karen have a long history of competing against together. Both of them grew up as prodigious violists: Traveling the continent of Europe to compete in prestigious string competitions and studying from the world's best violists. However, the chance of having either of them winning was irregular. Sometimes Jihyo would win, Other times Karen would win. Most often, they tied and that’s what ticked off Karen the most.  
  
Her viola's distinguished strains danced before the glossy stage lights as her well-trained bow flawlessly glides over its ethereal strings. The young prodigy showcased her sound's unspoiled beauty that presented at the same time as her utmost yearning, the viola's strings coming together to sing before her true love, Nayeon. Chaeyoung seemed quite distraught at the fact that she couldn't listen to Jihyo's sincere song.  
  
" _I wish that you could perform too",_ I mentioned to Chaeyoung.  
  
She shrugged, " _It's okay, Mina. I don't like competitions._ "  
  
Her words staggered me, " _Why?_ "

Chaeyoung frowned before her eyes drifted towards a long table consisting the panel of judges, ranging from festival committee members like Amélie and Hugo to guest judges like Orchestre de Paris concertmaster Philippe Aïche. As she couldn't find a way to explain it to someone with an elementary to intermediate understanding of sign language (like me), she discretely pulled out her phone and texted her response.

**[Son Chaeyoung] The results depend on the judges' tastes.**

My hands twitched, not knowing how to word my respond.

**[Mina Myoui] I guess that's just the way it has to be.**

Chaeyoung's eyes grew in shock.

**[Son Chaeyoung] The way it has to be? So it's okay for someone's fate to rest in the hands of a few people?**

_Mina, you dick._  
  
he percussionist laughed, self-depreciatingly 

**[Son Chaeyoung] Actually, I figured you'd say that. You wouldn't know because you win everything.**

" _I'm sorry_ ", I ducked my head in my arms, feeling discomfort in my chest from the guilt. It grew even more difficult to appreciate the subsequent performances after having that debate with Chaeyoung. I don't even know if I can shape up in time for my own performance. 

* * *

**The Ninety-Fifth Measure**

It took thirty minutes to do my own makeup before I crashed into the spell of a deep sleep. When I woke up, my head was throbbing as I slumped over the mahogany makeup table in the women's dressing room. I hadn't even begun to fix my hair, which is still disheveled from the strong winter winds outside. The champagne-colored gown that I'm supposed to wear for my performance is suspended on a coat hanger, waiting for me to skulk into it. I only have an hour left until I go on stage and I haven't even warmed up yet.  
  
"Why. The. Fuck. Did. I. Say. That. To. Chae. Young?" I'm agonizing to myself, banging my head against the table at each syllable.  
  
"What on earth are you doing, Mi— WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HAIR?" Jennie's voice is pealing enough to be heard from across the room. She scurries up to me with that costly Leblanc Bliss clarinet carelessly dangling in her right hand.  
  
"Go away, Jennie", I mumbled.  
  
"At least let me fix your hair", she implores.  
  
I obeyed the persistent girl's order and she began preparing the items necessary for my hairstyling. She contended that instead of combing my bedhead all the way through, she would leave some of my blotchy strands in the same state, mainly for the purpose of the messy yet chic bun. Before she prepared the bun, she applied a slight amount of mousse to add volume and shine. Then she scooped up my long, wine-colored hair into a ponytail before pulling it halfway to the elastic hair tie to create a loop. She made the final touches by tugging on my bun to create volume.  
  
"Oh, thank goodness!" Jennie wiped the sweat off her forehead with her arm, "You'd be a goner without me!"  
  
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I considered asking, especially after that exchange between her and Nayeon.  
  
"WOAH! That's such a beautiful champagne dress!" she ultimately neglects my inquiry and dashes towards the mirror cabinet in the corner, "Where did you get it? Fifth Avenue? Broadway? SoHo? Chelsea? Union Square?"  
  
"Jennie, please", I pleaded.  
  
"Roséanne Park, Vanessa von der Leyen, Gao Yuanjing, Sana Minatozaki, Wang Feifei, Erna Solberg, Hazel Atkinson, and Mina Myoui are on standby!" a staff member called.  
  
In the aftermath, I didn't receive an answer from Jennie as to why she's trying to be friends with me, despite being a part of The Six.  
  
While waiting for my turn on the sidelines, I observed the other musicians in the wind division, sitting next to an oboist who had a bizarre fetish of sucking on her oboe reed as if it were a baby's pacifier. Her name was Wang Feifei and she attends the Central Conservatory of Music, but she'd rather go by the nickname of "Fei", as noted by one of the judges. Erna Solberg from the Norweigan Academy of Music glided through Handel's [Oboe Concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT1RJQK-2Xw) without a single sweat dripping off her forehead, her stone-faced expression clearly indifferent to the results of her performance. Roséanne Park, the international student studying at the Conservatoire de Paris, performed splendidly. Her graceful flute floated through Bach's composition in all its splendorous veracity. Confidence was riding on her sanguine face when she received an approved applause.  
  
Sana was next and she was wearing this exquisite, sleeveless mint-blue dress with beadings on the chest and a wavy, chiffon skirt. She seems relatively calm compared to the other competitors, and this amazes me because she has never placed in a single competition before.  
  
And guess what piece she's playing? Freaking Strauss, of course — his very first [horn concerto in E-flat Major](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OqV503vUWA). Her piano accompanist is this girl named Park Jiwon and apparently, she was also Jihyo's piano accompanist and a close friend of Minyoung.   
  
From the first note, I could immediately tell that Sana was making adjustments to the concerto. The first movement is of verbose lyricism with a vigorous fanfare-like opening. Instead of portraying a harsh, bombastic impression that Strauss was trying to convey, feathers of tenderness and passion transmitted with notes of warmth, notes of love. Her portrayal was earnest yet still beaming with the intensity and spark of classic horn playing. I'm brought to my feet at this hair-raising presentation.  
  
The second movement is a slow one, with sedate, sweetly-haunting note flowing out into the vast expense of the concert hall. High notes squeal out like a somber cry, low notes reverberate gingerly and delicately, like a mother putting their children to sleep. I felt like I was hijacked out of time and place in this sea of paradoxial emotions. Chills shiver down my spine with every passing note.  _Oh yes, emotion._ Emotion always plays on Sana's face as she's performing; her long-lashed eyes are closed to show that she's absorbed in her music. That sends another chill down my spine.  
  
Now here's the part of Sana that we don't see on a daily basis — her virtuosic side. In fact, I've never seen Sana play like this before, and the third movement only goes to show how fucking good she is at the horn. There's absolute dexterity and proficiency in her playing, mixed in with her own musical artistry. It was no longer Strauss's concerto, it became  _her_ concerto. Series of glistening high notes dance throughout the hall as she streams through fast, arduous passages in this _rondo_ theme. Then there's a note marked _forte_ and it comes out as brassy, overblown, and French horn-like. I can only imagine her being out of breath from these emphatic, soaring verses but Sana doesn't look drained at all. _What the hell?_        
  
"How have I not heard of this girl before?" Fei, the oboist sitting next to me, bites off her fingernail in all anxiousness.  
  
She's damn right. How has Sana _not_ been recognized before?  
  
The final note hushes everything in its aftermath, and not even a ragged breath escaped her lips. She just laughs.  _Holy shit. She's not tired at all._  
  
"Well, that was fun!" Sana exclaims to me and it boggles my mind. Maybe it's because of those luscious canelés that Chaeyoung bought for her. Maybe she's drunk from the rum. Today is also her actual birthday so it could've triggered her pleasant mood. With an overwhelming applause following the grandiose performance, Sana skitters to give me a badgering pull on the cheek as a way of saying 'good luck'. Now my cheek hurts.  
  
And now it's my turn.  
  
As I'm about to exit the sidelines, this random brass contestant whispers to me, "Your friend's interpretation of Strauss is better than Yoona's."  
  
That's how one knows how talented Sana is, and it frightens me that she might be even better than Yoona.  
  
_Dammit, Mina. Not now! Focus on your own performance!_  
  
"Ahh... aahhh... ACHOOOOO!" I let my distracted self give out a huge sneeze, causing the audience to explode into laughter while the judges  internally cackle to themselves. But nonetheless, I gave me polite bow to the masses before positioning myself to play Bach's _Partita in A Minor_.

The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.  
  
_Partita in A Minor_ isn't often played on a bassoon, and playing it on anything other than a non-wind instrument is a risk in itself because of the technical demands required to meet the judges' expectations. Not only does the _Partita_ require the musician to execute each section in a quick tempo, but Bach also leaves little room for breath. This work in particular caters to those who want to show off their skills and prove themselves to the masses. Bach's _Partita in A Minor_ is a delight for virtuosos. I'm trying to redeem myself from the blunder that I made three days ago.  
  
The [first movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_70lansC0YQ) is entitled _Allemande_ and it is a term used for one of the most popular instrumental dances in baroque music. The first ceaseless flows of sixteenth notes. It's a good test to see how well a performer can sneak in breaths here and there.  
  
I had no problem getting through the first movement. I feel like I'm in synch with the bassoon and my fingers feel incredibly light. Air pours out like water. I feel good and I don't know why. It could be because I feel sophisticated in my dress, or perhaps it's because my makeup is matured. I'm also appreciative of what Jennie did to my hair. I had a good breakfast too, and those canelés that Chaeyoung bought taste pretty darn good. 

_"Don't be so driven by your emotions."_

Oh god. Why am I having these silly thoughts? I'm not a child anymore.   
  
I need to focus.  
  
The [second movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FN6PeeaPlJk) — _Corrente_ or in other words, "running" — has me on the verge of struggling for a quick gulps of air as I leap through brisk streams of sixteenth notes. This triple-time movement simulates the perception of running away from something, I don't know what, but surely _something_. I'm forced to use circular breathing — simultaneously inhaling through the nose and blowing without any disruption in the airflow.  
  
At the end, it is just as if I had ran a marathon. The sticky release of keys resonated like the slapping noise of feet against the pavement. The rapidity of this movement represents my heartbeat throbbing in my chest, especially at this very moment. I could hear the ragged noise of my erratic breaths while my hands started to slightly shake from gripping my bassoon too hard. The neck strap is burning my nape from supporting the weight of this heavy instrument. My lungs felt like they could burst and my throat was so dry. My chest feels so heavy that I could die.  
  
Sana is right. I feel sick. Jennie is right too. I'm a masochist for picking this piece.  
  
I closed my eyes and took an exceedingly deep breath, clearing my mind from uneasy thoughts. I placidly wrapped the fingers around the bassoon, left hand above the right, rolling my fingers around the various keys and fingerholes until they're in location.   
  
The [third movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32UsUREEolg) is slower and kept in a lower register — a comfortable register for the bassoon, at least for the most part until the penetrating high notes come in. Bach permeates the third movement with this special poignancy, a slow-moving melodic line that leaves the interpretation up to the performer. Mine is rather somber, just like particles of my childhood that my parents took away from me, just to ensure that I always win. Every high note is a cry of heartbreak. Every low note is a weep of loneliness. The _Partita_ also has no piano accompaniment, adding solitude.

" _You wouldn't know because you win **everything**."_

 _Jesus Christ, Chaeyoung. Get out of my head._  
  
Filling my lungs with air, I raised the double reed to my lips and began the [last movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pjM6xD-kUw) — _Bourrée anglaise_ or an eighteenth century musical dance form in a quick _duple_ meter.  _Alright lungs. You better get your shit together._  
  
The _Bourrée anglaise_ , which completes the _Partita_ , is presumably the most arresting of the four movements. Bach formulated this movement around an archetypal “backwards” short-short-long rhythm, forged in this case as the counteraction for further ornamented, running sixteenth note passages in one-hundred and eight beats per minute. The judges examine closely, dissecting every single note that I make.

" _So it's okay for someone's fate to rest in the hands of a few people?"_

 _UGGGHHHHHH._  
  
I was interrupted by Chaeyoung's imaginary voice, choking on my own air supply as I grew increasingly anxious. I didn't want to acknowledge how guilty she made me feel, at least not while the finish line is this close, so I slowly coaxed myself into accepting my winnings as a fact. 

_"One flawed note makes all the difference between a winner and a loser."_

_GOD. STOP._  
  
I felt a penetrating sensation of pain shooting up my neck. Something palpitated across my body in waves of intense agony, feeling as if millions of tiny parasites invaded my immune system. The world around me seemed to be in hyper drive as adrenaline pulsates through my veins with the ringing noises provoked by tinnitus in my left ear, every echoing sound magnified to a countless number. I couldn't breathe as my vision began to cloud, colored shapes flashing above my face. The pain eradicating from my lungs started to make me gasp for breaths that I cannot catch.    
  
I can't remember what happened next, except for a fact that the degree of applause that I received wasn't as tremendous as Sana's.

* * *

**The Ninety-Sixth Measure**

When the time arrives for the awards ceremony, all of the contestants situate themselves in velvety chairs encircling cloaked tables, each table representing each school. I bit my lip, letting a small smile play over my face as I reseated myself in between Sana and Nayeon. Avoiding the terrifying gazes from The Six, I started to play with my food as my babbling friends began to chit-chat over champagne.  
  
Julien Bellegarde, a festival committee member and the host of the competition, walked up to the stage to make his announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to announce that each and every musician performed superbly on the Palais Garnier stage tonight. Unfortunately, there can only be one winner out of one hundred contestants, as well as one second place medalist and one third place medalist."  
  
Tension arises as the host slowly unfolds the third sheet of paper. I jerked my head at the three other “Crack Squad” members — Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu — clumped up in the third row of seats, their nervous hearts trembling as they await the name of the third place recipient. Jeongyeon, Sana, and Jihyo seemed rather calm, but Nayeon, Momo, and I remained apprehensive with every passing second.  
  
"And so for third prize, well, there's two people tied for third palce. Both with a score of 98.300, one is from the Juilliard School and one is from the Royal Academy of Music", he says the name of our school and my heart skips a beat, "Violinist Shannon Williams and Violist Park Jihyo!"  
  
_So Jihyo and Karen didn't tie this time._  
  
Jihyo hears her name being called and tears immediately stream down her face. Nayeon is crying too, but she restrains those tears and pushes her ecstatic girlfriend off her chair to receive her prize — a bronze trophy and a huge forty-seven thousand euro (About $50,000) check.  
  
The Six lowered their heads in disappointment at the mention of their names not being called up. _You cunts don't deserve to place after what you've done to Chaeyoung in the past few months._ Karen and Reina especially felt bitter about the fact that their rival had succeeded in placing in the top three (or in this case, four). It was just as I expected; Jihyo was too good for her skills to come unnoticed. The other Pops Orchestra members are rejoicing in the peripheries of the Palais Garnier, giving each other bear hugs and chanting out Jihyo's name in a vivid manner.  
  
"Moving on to second prize. Also from the Juilliard School with a score of 99.650..."  
  
"Wow... another Juilliard kid?" Rosé, sitting in the table behind us, released a heavy sigh as she clutches her flute case close to her chest.  
  
"I bet it's not Mina. Mina is going to win again, for sure", Rosé's French bassoonist colleague mumbles amongst the thick silence, and it hits me that every single person in the hall is holding high expectations of me. Not just my parents, not just my friends, but _everybody_.  
  
"Second place — for this silver trophy, a check, a comissioned sonata, and the opening act at one of the BBC Proms nights — goes to Mina Myoui!"  
  
What the...?  
  
I did not win?  
  
I got second place?  
  
Second place?  
  
That title stuck to my brain with every languid step towards the the main stage. I clutched the fabric of my champagne-colored dress as host Bellegarde handed me the silver trophy and the seventy-five thousand dollar check with a regulation smile.  
  
It made me sick and perhaps jealous — the whole idea of losing to some random person. The winner could be a musician from a different school, it could be another person in Juilliard, or worse, it could be one of The Six. Everywhere I turned, there was excited chatter, audience members showing reverent praise, satisfied parents and relatives, and most likely beer bottles crackling in the light of glory not because I earned second place, but because I did not win. Everyone, perchance Reina and the others, are revering because I'm not holding the gold trophy in my hands.   
  
Sana and the others see people celebrating my loss and all they can do is be there to comfort me.  
  
What are my parents going to say when they find out about this? My parents wouldn't celebrate even if I had won, which sucks because it's impossible to attain anything higher than first place. If they feel indifferent at me earning first place, then what does second place mean to them?  
  
Host Bellegarde doesn't waste time and moves on to the grand prize, the bounty that keeps us greedy, "And last but not least, our grand prize — a gold trophy, ninety-four thousand euros ($100,000), a commissioned concerto by Eric Whitacre, and a highlighted performance at the 2021 BBC Proms. This person is yet another Juilliard student and one would consider her a dark horse, and better yet, she has a score of 100.000."  
  
_My fucking god. Who got a perfect score?_  
  
This disclosure makes watchers and musicians alike go rabid. A perfect score is hard to come by in international competitions, and often times, no first place award would be given at all. The chances of earning a perfect score in a large-scale music competition is tantamount to seeing pigs fly — it almost never happens, until today. I've been rewarded first prize several times and none of those acclaimations flourished from perfect scores.  
  
"First prize goes to..." he opens up the letter and reads the name off the fine print, "Sana Minatozaki."  
  
_Holy crap._  
  
"No way! It can't be!" Reina shouted in disbelief. Frankly, I was surprised at this outcome as well.  
  
An ecstatic smile grew on Sana's face when Host Bellegarde annoucnes her name. Heck, she's so taken aback, that it takes both Nayeon and Jeongyeon's persuading hands to lift the blonde girl off her chair and hustle her to the main stage. For sure, my parents aren't going to be happy.

* * *

**The Ninety-Seventh Measure**

"I can't believe that I won!" Sana is elated as a puppy receiving a treat, "And on my actual birthday too!"  
  
"Yeah, congratulations..." I say through numb lips.  
  
The lobby of the Palais Garnier was buzzing with loud chatter about the final results of the Parisian Winter Music Festival's Comeptition event. The air in the compressed space grew thick with every spectator spilling out of the main hall to catch a glimpse of the winner.  _Sana, Sana, Sana, Sana._ Not, Mina. _Sana._ Her name was called out in the most positive connotation possible, more so than Justin Bieber's at his own concert.   
  
"That Strauss is definitely the most finest rendition", A plump woman wearing a purple coat sighs to her husband as Sana and I stroll through the lobby.  
  
"Honey, The Juilliard School is not regarded as one of the world's leading music schools for nothing", he murmurs back.  
  
"But you should've seen that blonde hornist’s past performances with the Juilliard Orchestra. Oh, she was just brilliant! Her horn in Sibelius Five was just sublime and intricate, just like a dove! The Polovstian Dances back in October was very unique and refreshing; that girl had lungs of steel! But the most astounding performance was _her_ Mahler Five; I found it funny how the horn solos were played by an adorable blonde girl with such a strong and tremendous sound! I was completely blown away by her act!" The mom rambles on and on, praising Sana. I made a mental note in my head that this woman said _her_ (Sana's) Mahler Five instead of simply, Mahler Five.  
  
"You're talking about Sana Minatozaki", He recalls, "She's been getting quite a lot of recognition lately, and our son is a huge fan—"  
  
"Mummy! Daddy! Are you two going to shut up?" their son was too eager to witness Sana’s beauty in full blossom.  
  
"Hey there, little boy!" Sana coos as their son trots up to the two of us, "Whose autograph are you looking for? Mina's?"  
  
"Ew, not Mina!" he brazenly answers, "You!"  
  
_What the fuck did he just say?_ I cupped my hand over my mouth in offense. Anger radiated from within me like a bulb in the red light district. If it weren't illegal, I would've kicked this kid to the curb before he could even take out his autograph pen. I never thought that Chaeyoung could be more right about me being used to winning, and perhaps me being obsessed with winning. I just want to escape this damned lobby before—   
  
"Oi! Das mädchen aus dem wettbewerb!", (Hey! The girl from the competition!) an Austrian reporter hopped off his feet and dashed towards Sana and Sana _only_. I'm fairly competent in German to understand what he's trying to convey.  
  
_God. Get me out of here._  
  
"Le premier et deuxième prix! (The first and second place winners!)", a French journalist with scruffy hair trailed from behind, his DSLR camera hung around his neck, "Arrêtez, mesdames! Où allez-vous?" (Stop, ladies! Where are you going?)  
  
Before the two of us could even share a single word to each other, a flood of eager reporters showered Sana with compliments on her excellence. Renowned European music critics were also sending offers and showing their interest at the young, gifted musician, shoving me out of their way. I'm being pushed to the side while Sana is receiving all the acclaim. However, Sana was frightened by the abundance of older men surrounding her figure, flinching with every flashing camera light that shone in her pale face as she tries to cover her strained eyes. She's not used to the paparazzi.  
  
Not far from Sana position, a plump reporter from Switzerland approached the blonde girl, using his rough accent to speak to her in her mother language, "What brand of horn do you use? How long have you been playing, mein freund?"  
  
"Ja! Ja! Du bist sehr talentiert! (Yes! Yes! You're very talented!)", another reporter added.  
  
"Huh? Umm.. about ten or eleven years, I guess?" Sana was petrified at his complimentary words, not to mention that she doesn't know a lick of French nor German. The reporters couldn't understand her American accent, ignoring her words as they pursued with the endless questions.   
  
"Vat in heavens name are you saying, young lady?" he yells over the hype of the crowd encompassing her from behind, "I don't understand yer accent."  
  
Draped in a nude-colored gown with a playful skirt consisting of surging vertical sequins and sheer corkscrew ruffles, Jeongyeon confidently enters the bustling crowd in her own right, using her 'festival competitior' card to rescue Sana from the gaggle of reporters. She had just finished honoring Jihyo when she realized that Sana and I were missing from the pack — first prize winner and second prize winner respectfully.  
  
"Sortir d'ici, maintenant! Elles sont mes amies! (Get out of here, now! They're my friends!)", the strident timpanist commanded, grasping our startled wrists as she leads us to a quieter area in the premises of the Palais Garnier.  
  
"Bitte— (Wait—)", the reporters call out, feeling defeated in their mission to snatch a word from the prodigious hornist.  
  
We've managed to evade the paparazzi and slip ourselves in the lobby facing the west pavillion of the Palais Garnier where _abonnés_ , subscribers of the opera, await ritzy carriages underneath the stone pillars designating the north and south entrances. The hub of reporters must have given up on us and pivoted towards Park Jihyo, who lingered around the sectors of the main lobby while waiting for Nayeon. There was a huge sign placed on the pavillion's facade that read "Le festival de musique d'hiver de Paris — le concours" (The Parisian Winter Music Festival — The Competition).  
  
Jeongyeon left the two of us to fetch Momo from the snack bar, so Sana took this opportunity to approach me with ill at ease, "Mina?"  
  
I was talking to myself, my voice sounding extremely hoarse from bawling, "I've never been defeated in competitions before. Sana is the first person to outrival me, but I'd have to admit, she's really good."  
  
"Mina, talk to me", she pressed, one hand carressing my hair while her horn dangled in the other.  
  
"S-Sana. I..." I sputtered, avoiding the taller girl's distraught gaze as I spoke in slow sentences, "I’m... I’m scared. I'm scared of my parents. I lost the competition. I didn't get first place. They... Th-They’re going to... kill me..."   
  
I cried uncontrollably, cradling my bassoon. I gingerly stroked the wooden body of my instrument, reminded of the soft feel of Sana’s body against my pale skin as she hugged me. I was paralyzed; my chest began shuddering and my harrowing breathing was growing extremely arbitrary. _God, I'm so stupid... Why did I let all of these bad thoughts get in the way of my performance...?_  
  
"Say, let's tuck our instruments back in their cases and step outside", Sana considered after having been deep in thought.  
  
I nodded, disassembling my bassoon, "Oka—"  
  
_*SLAP*_  
  
"How dare you let the working-class girl take home the title!" my mom reprimanded, "You're becoming a big disgrace to our family name!"  
  
"Leave Mina alone!" Sana advocates, but it's no use convincing my hardheaded mother otherwise.  
  
"You have no right to get involved in our family matters", mom shoves Sana aside and her face hits the ground.   
  
I pick myself off the floor, "Don't hurt Sana! Please!"  
  
"I'm not going to let this dimwit meddle in our affairs! And I'm not going to let you screw us over again!" this time, I could see my mother standing firmly in front of me, her face seething with anger as she tries to initiate another hard slap against my cheek. I flinch but then the slap doesn't come. I open my eyes to see that my mom's shocked arm is flailing in the air, stopped by none other than Chaeyoung.    
  
Chaeyoung gestures something to Sana, " _Go get Jeongyeon and the others! I'll take care of Mina._ "  
  
Sana complies and she dashed off back inside the Palais Garnier. I'm shocked. Why is Chaeyoung trying to protect me?  
  
"Who is this brat?" mom struggled to release herself from the percussionist's tight grip, turning to my father for assistance "Honey, help!"  
  
_*SLAP*_  
  
The next thing I knew, my face hits the cold concrete ground hard; a harsh scratch flew across my left cheek with a few droplets of blood oozing out of its laceration. All I could see was the brown leather boots that swimmed in my blurry vision, walking closer before it was firmly planted on top of my shivering spine. The cold air was singing around me, silence eating my surroundings, the breeze leaving a sigh of my loneliness as I felt a tickle upon my pale, dry cheeks. That familiar harsh, dry voice resounded again, but this time louder.  
  
"First you mess up in the concert, then you lose the competition to that stupid blonde girl?" He raised his voice, cutting through the brisk wind.  
  
"Sana is not a stupid blonde! She deserves to win first pla—"  
  
_*SLAP*_  
  
I couldn't continue to speak up for myself; my jaw was too battered to retract my mouth. My father pressed his foot harder against against my back, almost to the point where I could possibly have my spine snapped into two. But if he did that, I wouldn't be able to play the bassoon properly anymore. I didn't know what my father's sole purpose was anymore — molding me into a better musician, or just giving me pure hell.  
  
"Don’t you dare answer back to me, young lady!", He stipulated, driving his foot deeper into my skin.   
  
_Do something, Mina._

_"I didn't tell you to stop playing."_

I won't

_"Do you want to stay up all night with that bassoon?"_

let you

_"I'm going to extend your practice time."_

control me

_"You're not going to sleep until you play this movement **perfectly**."_

anymore.  
  
"I... I’M TIRED!" I grimaced, trying to breathe under the crushing of my windpipe.  
  
My mother stared coldly at me, "Tired? Did you know that Maestro Gilbert called me saying that you missed one month’s worth of practice. Are you trying to humiliate me in front of my colleagues in the New York Philharmonic? Are you trying to bring shame to our family name?"  
  
No words. I could feel my teeth chattering away as my mother's death stare prolonged for about another minute or so.  
  
"Mina!" Sana's voice cracked.  
  
In that moment, she and the others arrived with the press trailing behind Jihyo, whom she has been trying to fend off while looking for me. They knew that I wasn’t having a very appetizing conversation with my parents; my parents were spewing critical remarks while the “Crack Squad” and the press silently watched from behind. They weren't constructive criticisms as well; their judgment seemed more like a rant rather than a practical assessment. I was looking down at the concrete floor the whole time, shuffling my feet while my father gives her an eternity of a lecture.  
  
"I don't want to hear mediocrity in your performance ever again. I want you to practice more efficiently when you come back", my father set forth in a grim manner. _More efficiently? Did you realize that you almost broke my back and now you want me to practice more efficiently?_  
  
Chaeyoung stood ground, throwing my father's leg off course as she helps me up to my feet.  
  
And in that mere second, beyond and doubt, I snapped back,  "Practice, practice, practice, practice. You viewed mistakes as failures; a wrong note is a sin you must atone to, not a human error, but a flaw so grand that it defines your entire life course! That's all you cared about! Even if I try my hardest, you always say that there's no "average" here and you treat me as if I'm your living doll; a slave, pampering me with criticisms so harsh that I'd often cry myself to sleep!”  
  
The sound of silence filled the air; the soft pitter-patters of a rat began to emit from the sewer, traveling its way to a water pipe.  
  
"I did it for your own good, so you won't become labeled as a loser like everyone else", my dad said in a low whisper.  
  
"For my own good?" I spoke sharply, "When I was eleven and I got a 9/10 on my music theory exam, you grounded me for a month! You called me lazy and incompetent and that I'd better stop fooling around. Well guess where that led me? You've driven me to exhaustion and made me develop not only an acoustic neuroma, but a deep-rooted anxiety disorder due to your perfectionistic tendencies! You never put your child's well-being to mind! Because of your negligence, I’m now losing my hearing! I’m going to lose my hearing and it’s all because of you!"  
  
Again, there was a thick silence that swallowed up the air as another rat began to emerge from the sewer panel. My mom and dad didn't budge; they stepped back and supported themselves against the pillar in the pavilion. _That's right. You better back away from me. I'm not going to be your little marionette anymore; I'm not someone who could be toyed with._  
  
" I HATE YOU!" I didn't shed a single tear this time; I’m used to being scolded like this. My face was emotionless as my parents walked away into the limousine that brought them to the venue of the competition.  
  
"You need to do something about your emotional instability", my mom bellowed, her voice seething with poison as she walked away in complete disgust. "Or else you're not going to be my daughter anymore."  
  
And in that split second, that phrase changed the whole course of my life. The ominous wind whistled again, whispering my mother's words in my left as my silent gaze faced upwards towards the taciturn sky. She wants to give up on me, I know it.  
  
Before they could close the door to their limo, Chaeyoung stepped aside and said something loud enough for me and my parents to hear.  
  
"Mina is not the one that's deaf", Chaeyoung began to my mom and dad, uncommonly using her own voice after being silenced for so long, "You are."

* * *

 

**BONUS (Sana and Chaeyoung Part 1/5)**

April 9, 2016: First Day of San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra Rehearsals  
  
A few days had passed since Sana had gone through emotional counseling.  
  
"Impossible... last chair?" sixteen year-old Sana gasps as her eyes scan the seating results pinned on the Symphony's bulletin board.

**1) Im Yoona  
2) Son Naeun  
3) Haruka Shimazaki  
4) Marius Yo  
5) Kyle Salinas  
6) Gilbert Watson  
7) Peniel D. Shin  
8) Sana Minatozaki**

"Alright, everybody! Let's go into sectionals before we begin our first rehearsal together", Maestro Shimazaki, Haruka's grandfather and the director of the youth orchestra, clapped his hands together to grasp everybody's attention.  
  
Sana felt queasy, returning from therapy only to learn that she would play in the back of the pack. Her self-confidence dropped to an all-time low. Going into group rehearsals and introducing herself to the other horn players were simple tasks that struck her head. ("Hi, I'm Sana Minatozaki and I'm eighth chair horn", she'd dully rehearse in her mind) Sana was never a terrible horn player in the first place; her father had died when seating placement auditions came around. She never anticipated becoming last chair.  
  
Sana also didn't anticipate was the hostility from other people in her section.  
  
"Hey, Last Chair. You're sitting in my seat", Naeun’s pink lips moved, forming words that neither Sana nor Chaeyoung had expected.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
She took a deep breath before repeating the phrase in her thick Korean accent, "You're sitting in my seat. Leave."  
  
"You could've asked her politely", A certain percussionist reprimanded as the orchestra's assistant principal percussionist, "No need to be snappy."  
  
"Chaeyoung?" The boorish girl turned around and fixed her gaze at the bold girl, "I don't care if you or your friend have all authority among our sections. It's only common sense that she has to move when I arrive. Isn't she a junior? She should know better. Now please, move."  
  
At the ripe age of fourteen with most of her hearing gone, Son Chaeyoung has already been deemed the assistant principal percussionist to Sandara, the eldest member in the entire Youth Orchestra who is preparing Chaeyoung to take her steed once she graduates from the orchestra.   
  
"You can't just show up and expect her to know your place", Chaeyoung chided in a loud voice, attracting the attention of the rest of the orchestra members, "Sana is new here. As her fellow orchestra members, we need to be respectful and be good models to our new arrivals. It'd be shameful if she left with the dissatisfactory example that you're demonstrating right now."  
  
"But—"  
  
"Shut it, Naeun", Yoona rebuked the younger girl.  
  
"Sana started it!"  
  
"I said shut it", Yoona reinforced with this astonishing amount of confidence that Sana couldn't possibly enforce.  
  
The gorgeous principal hornist had entered the aisle, her tall stature showing how imposing she is. In one hand, she held her score. In the other hand, a lavish Alexander 103 — a horn played by the gods of horn-playing. Every member of the Berlin Philharmonic owns one. Her glossy, ombre hair started with an autumn brown hue lowering to lighter tones of brown and blonde that complimented her light skin. She sported a long, black dress that accented her extremely slim yet toned figure.  _She's too pretty to be human_ , Sana thinks.  
  
Sana admired Yoona for a long time. I mean, who wouldn't? She's the best horn player of the 21st Century. She's the youngest gold prize winner in history of the BBC Young Musician of the Year — one of the most prominent music competitions for young musicians. She made her orchestral debut at the age of nine with the freaking Berlin Philharmonic. Yoona had grasped so many opportunities that most musicians would consider out of a child's reach. And just if you thought that things couldn't have gotten any better, Sana had heard Yoona play before, at a music festival in back in New York City. She remembers the piece clearly: John Williams' concerto — a piece considered so emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding, that it became a test piece for hornists studying at even the most prestigious music schools.  
  
"Oh, crap!" Sana realizes, "I forgot to thank Chae—"  
  
"Let's begin rehearsals!" Maestro Shimazaki announced and everyone scrambled to their positions.  
  
Sana stood up and started heading towards the seat that Yoona kindly directed her to, Naeun sharing a snarky look to the innocent girl. For the duration of the practice session, as she was miserably playing the boring eighth horn parts to Bruckner's  _Eighth Symphony_ , her mind was fleeting off into infinity until a thought came to her mind as a phrase from a few minutes ago replayed inside her head like a tape recorder.

_"Last Chair."_

The title "Last Chair" would stick with her for the rest of the year — she anticipated that for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Circular breathing - a wind instrument technique that allows the player to sustain a tone for an extended period of time. This is accomplished by storing air in the mouth (inflating the cheeks) and using this reservoir of air to inhale through the nose while air is still coming out the mouth.
> 
> Chromatic - often refers to structures derived from the chromatic scale, which consists of all semitones.
> 
> Interlochen Arts Camp - An annual summer camp attended by young artists from around the world. Programs are offered to students in grades three through twelve, providing an opportunity to learn, create and perform alongside leading artists and instructors.
> 
> Wind quartet - an ensemble of consisting of a mixture of brass and woodwind instruments, or music written for four such a combination of instruments.
> 
> Partita - A suite, typically for a solo instrument or chamber ensemble.


	20. nocturne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_nocturne_  
Origin: French  
A piece for the night.  
  
****

**The Ninety-Eighth Measure**

Wednesday: December 30, 2020  
  
I let out a sigh; I was exhausted from all the pandemonium that struck me that very night, all in negative connotations. When I returned to my suite, I sat up in bed and opened my laptop. Short coughs were heightened to repentive wheezings and my weary body slumped under the sheets of my queen-sized bed. The room is dark, curtains enclose the shuttering lights, and the only trace of noise that my left ear catches is the doorbell.  
  
_Oh god._  
  
"This is bad", Yerin's peppy voice turns concerned as she perpetually stares at the doorway. It turns out that the "Crack Squad" is on the other side.  
  
"What's up with Mina?" Jeongyeon demanded.  
  
"Mina literally scrolled through every despising comment, tweet, article, thread — whatever. All in the span of an hour", SinB reiterates.  
  
I listen in on their entire conversation while I'm under the blankets, opening a new tab on my laptop and typing in my name on the search bar. My uncovered toes are quivering as footsteps grow louder and louder, inching towards my disposition. But nonetheless, I read it anyways:

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

**twitter**

**Matthew McLaughlin** @laughingmatthew  
I'm starting to believe that there's something wrong with Mina. She needs to go into an institution ASAP #psycho  
  
**Jamie Loo** @rainbowdash1401  
Sana Minatozaki is not a dark horse, she's our dark knight. She currently holds the record for having the highest score in the festival competition. Thanks for taking down @minamyoui for those who've been trying to surpass her for many years. Now her mom and dad can hit her.  
  
**Marion Roberts** @iheartwoohyun  
Hey @minamyoui your time is over. Time to go back to mommy and daddy. #getrekt #retirement

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_The New York Times_ **

_Is This What The Downfall of a Musician Looks Like?_  
**By Dan Preston —** December 29, 2020  
  
Last night, when the compelling bassoon prodigy Mina Myoui turnt up audiences at the Palais Garnier for the annual Parisian Winter Music Festival Competition, she had attained a near-perfect score of 99.650 for a polished, virtuosic rendition of Bach's Partita in A Minor.  
  
It should be rewarding and extraordinary to attain a score that high, especially since she left no room for critical error and maintained a beautifully dark vibes throughout. Myoui is known to have never lost a single competition in her lifetime, boasting forty-seven first place trophies and several palatial performances with the most celebrated orchestras and the most marvelous music festivals, including the world-famous BBC Proms where she, nineteen years-old at the time, swayed the audience to tears with the heartbreaking yet sentimental  _Le Cygne Noir_.  
  
But alas, Myoui was met with an unexpected twist of events when dark horse hornist Sana Minatozaki snatched the festival's grand prize out of her hands, finishing off with a score of 100.000 — the highest grading in the competition's history. Facts are that Myoui's streak of gold trophies and certificates had finally been slain, and long-time rivals of hers are celebrating in the same fashion as republicans were when Donald Trump won the presidency in 2016. One contestant from the Eastman School of Music reported that his peers were clinking beer bottles at Mina's loss.  
  
On the side, there is Mina and her parents... [Subscribe to **_The New York Times_** to read more]

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

My blanket escapes my head and all of a sudden, I'm freezing to death. Jeongyeon and my friends were at the foot of my bed with my blanket clutched in Jihyo's hands.  _Oh god. They found me. My hair is an astonishing mess and I'm wearing silk pajamas too._ Dahyun walks up to me and swipes my laptop from my grasp, skimming through the article while the others peer behind her head and shoulders.  
  
Dahyun closes my laptop and scowls, "Who the fuck wrote this article?"   
  
"Slain? Vibes? Snatched? _Turnt Up_?" Momo's eyes squinted at witless words used in his writing.  
  
"Really? He brings up Trump too?" SinB scratched her head, "He's not even our president anymore."  
  
Nayeon shook her head in disapproval, "Whoever wrote this has the vocabulary of a Kardashian. Honestly Mina, these articles are written by monkeys. Don't listen to a single word that they put out there. And don't listen to those haters as well. They're full of shit."   
  
"I think that something else is bothering Mina", Jihyo speculates. _Thank god. Somebody who is smart._  
  
Jeongyeon motions Dahyun to pass her my laptop, and then she stuffs it in her bag.   
  
I jolted up from my bed, "Hey! That's my laptop!"  
  
"From now on, no more reading hate comments", Jeongyeon professed, "We're only going to allow positive affirmation from here on out."  
  
"You guys are fucking hilarious", I muttered. But the timpanist wasn't joking in the slightest.  
  
In the first hour, Jeongyeon and Nayeon attempted to bake me a cake in our suite's little kitchenette. Afterwards, Jeongyeon narrates to me that Nayeon accidentally dumped ten cups of salt, instead of sugar, into the mixing bowl. My tongue immediately repulses from the first bite. In the second hour while I tried to take a nap, SinB and Yerin plopped onto my bed, giving me merciless tickle attacks.  
  
"Here comes the tickle monster!" both girls squeal as their fingers attack my stomach and my armpits, "Kitchy Kitchy Koo—"  
  
"NO!" I wailed, pushing them off the side of the bed.  
  
In the third hour, Momo, Tzuyu, and Dahyun form a string trio and perform a classical arrangement of Katy Perry's _Firework_  while Jihyo sings. Seconds into the song, a cranky man, who resides in the suite next to us. yells at the four girls to shut the fuck up. They stow away their instruments in defeat. Sana is the last person to walk in the room, still wearing _my_ clothes.  
  
"Your performance was... great!" she sputtered.  
  
I didn't believe her, "Oh, shut up. It didn't feel like _my_ performance."  
  
Sana doesn't stop talking, "Well that's what you think, but I believe that—"   
  
"I'm sorry but Pep talks or any other form of positive affirmation isn't going to work for me right now", I ducked my face under the covers.  
  
The girl sighed before making her point.  
  
"I'm not here to give you anything", she said directly, "I'm here to inform you that you've been summoned by Chaeyoung."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She wants you to bring your instrument too."  
  
"Fucking shit, Sana. I don't want to playmy bassoon", I growled.  
  
Sana just snickers, shuffling closer to the foot of my bed, "If you're not going to play _her_ , then I will."  
  
That triggers me, "Don't you dare."  
  
She waves the tenor joint in her hand, "I'm already assembling the par—"  
  
"Jesus Christ! I'll go!" I hissed, tossing my blanket to the side and sliding into my penguin slippers. I walk over to the closet to grab a fluffy parka off the coat racks, all before I spot that Sana still holding one of my bassoon joints. "Can I have _her_ back now?"  
  
Sana props the joint on my hand, "Meet Chaeyoung outside the hotel."  
  
"Sana, it's cold as fuck. My wood is going to get warped", I complained, tenderly tucking that joint back in my case. Practicing in the snow stayed out of the question, as it would damage the condition of my bassoon. _Why would Chaeyoung want to go outside?_  
  
"You two are going somewhere", she said, "I don't know where, but _somewhere_."  
  
She says this and the only thing I do is look up at her big puppy-dog eyes, "What about you? Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm going to the salon", Sana perked up, "To get my hair done."  
  
"What are you going to do with your hair?"  
  
She puts a finger to her lips, "It's a secret."

* * *

**The Ninety-Ninth Measure**

The weather outside was terrible. The Champ de Mars couldn't even be recognized. The riverine islet at the northeastern foot of the Eiffel Tower was frozen. Every tree in the thickly forested, misty and lightless glade seemed to hide some macabre secret or soul. Even the cold wind in the sprigs sounded thin. sickly, and fearful. There were no signs of constellations that night, nor stars, nor the milky white moon. Every little sound, a pebble scraping beneath my toes, the eerie breeze pressing against the lonely trees were amplified by the deathening silence.  
  
_*tap*_  
  
"EEEKK!" I screamed in surprise and a booming laugh rung in my left ear.  
  
With the sudden prod from behind, I turned around to see the person who was poking my shoulder with the sharp point of an umbrella. It was Chaeyoung wearing a black, leather trench coat and a matching fedora on her head, heaving a rather big backpack on her back.  
  
"Oh!" Chaeyoung suddenly exclaimed, " _Do you mind if we stop by the music store first?  
  
"I don't mind", _ I nodded before a ticklish feeling reached my nose, "AH-ACHOOOOO!"  
  
“ _Bless you!_ " Chaeyoung addressed, handing me with a tissue from her pocket.  
  
I grabbed the tissue and wiped my nose, " _Thank you._ "  
  
" _Are you sick?_ ” she asked.  
  
I shook my head, " _It's just the weather._ "  
  
" _I guess Sana wasn't kidding when she said that you had a weak immune system. Hey, the music store is over there!_ " Chaeyoung pointed at the posh building that displayed modern and old-fashioned French instruments on its wide windows for vistants to see.  
  
The music store was called the _La maison de la musique française et de l'édition musicale_ (or simply, _La maison de la musique_ ), one of the largest and most traditional music stores in French. Inside, there were well-stocked books, CDs, DVDs, and sheet music placed in their respective shelves, with skill levels ranging from beginner to professional and genres ranging from classical music to pop to jazz, brass band music to choir, and much more than my eyes could take in. They also carried pedagogical books, biographies of famous French musicians and composers, reference books, and musical supplies. In the backdrop, Edith Piaf’s [_Non, je ne regrette rien_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3Kvu6Kgp88) (No. I do not regret anything) is playing softly from the speakers, filling the large room serenely yet perfectly.  
  
"Ah! Les clients!" (Ah! Customers!), A striking young man pauses in his slow trek around the vast store to address his visitors, "Bienvenue à _La Maison de la Musique_! Comment puis-je vous aider?” (Welcome to the 'House of Music'! How may I help you?)  
  
Chaeyoung glanced at me, trying to decipher his words after attempting to read his lips.  
  
"Oh! I am so sorry!" He apologized in his thick accent, "No French? I speak in English then. What do you need?"  
  
I tried to hold in my laughter at his comical English, answering his question, "Do you have… uhh...." _What the hell does Chaeyoung want?_  
  
The percussionist poked my shoulder and fingerspelled the brand of mallets that she wanted, " _ **Lyons Orff** mallets_."  
  
" _I do!_ " he gestures with a smile, " _Follow me to the back._ "  
  
Holy crap. The shopkeeper is using American Sign Language.  
  
Chaeyoung leaves me to fetch her mallets and I hover around the store to see if there's anything interesting to do. I'm actually not really interested in doing anything. My energy has been robbed from crying at my parents and in additiion, I still have that deep-rooted cold that spurred since the Juilliard Orchestra's concert. What am I going to do if my parents decide to disown me? How am I going to be able to support myself when—  
  
"It really is Mina Myoui!" two high-pitched voices ring together like wind chimes in the hovering silence.  
  
_Chaeyoung's cousins? How did they even get here?_  
  
"We've missed you, Mina!" Chaeyeon sprints up to squeeze my waist.   
  
"I thought that we would never see you again!" Chaeryeong cries hysterically, hugging my legs, "I've been longing to hear your bassoon."  
  
_Chaeyoung is probably setting me up again._  
  
"Double reeds are super expensive, though", the latter sister lets out a pout.  
  
"Do you two want to hold mine?" I offered.  
  
"CAN WE?" they zip up in excitement like a pair of four year-olds.   
  
"Yeah, just give me a sec", I said, unclasping the neck strap and carefully maneuvering my bassoon to their small hands  
  
"WOAH! It's heavy!" they exclaim, knees buckling together as their faces wear a tight grimace. _Reminds me of the first time I held a bassoon. Sana wouldn't stop laughing at me._ My heart rate picks a touch when the boot joint hovers above the wooden floor by an inch (luckily, it didn't). I take my instrument back after having them try and hold it for a couple of seconds. They seem out of breath even though they're not playing it.  
  
"Do you visit a chiropractor after you play?" Chaeryeong grins up at me.  
  
"My roommate, Chaekyung, it actually good at chiropractics", I laughed, "That's why nobody in the Juilliard Orchestra messes with her. They believe that she has the power to snap their necks or break their backs. Her sectionmates evacuate the premises when she's mad."  
  
"Sana is taking over for her now, right?" Chaeyeon asks.  
  
"Yeah", I nodded, "Chaekyung is taking a semester off because one of her close relatives died. Sana told me that Chaekyung's relative was in the U.S. Army and was stationed in South Korea, near the DMZ facing North Korea. I don't know how he died, but it must've devastated her."  
  
Chaekyung and Sana's situations aren't so much different after all.   
  
"Can you play with us Mina? _Pwetty pwease_?" Chaeyeon begs, her eyes spread open to portray how desperate she is, "Mommy and daddy raised a lot of money to come to Paris and watch you, Sana, and Chaenggie perform on the big stage. Both of us brought our flutes too!"  
  
_You know what, Mina? You owe Chaeyoung something after you've made her upset last night._  
  
"What are we playing?"   
  
" _You are the Music_ ", Chaeryeong answered, my eyes met with her pleading ones, "It's a choral piece, but our school ensemble will be performing an orchestrated version for the winter concert in January. Dan Forrest is going to be our guest conductor too!"  
  
"Do you know the piece?" Chaeyeon asked.  
  
"I do, actually. I've heard it live before", I reminisced.  
  
_You are the Music_ is one of Forrest's most beloved and most revered compositions, set for SATB (soprano, alto, tenor, bass) chorus, solo soprano voice, piano, and horn. One of LaGuardia's choirs had sung it for the 2017 spring showcase and the choir director requested for Yoon Chaekyung to play the horn part. The solo soprano part was sung by Choi Yuna, also known as "Yuju". I forgot to mention that SinB isn't the only non-music major in the Pops Orchestra. Yuju is a voice major and one of the violinists in our orchestra, as Momo once told me.  
  
"You girls ready?" I ensure with reed hanging in my mouth.  
  
They nod enthusiastically, flutes readied in their hands, "You bet!"  
  
Settling in the shop's practice room, Chaeyeon plays the first soprano part, Chaeryeong plays the second soprano part, and I fluctuate in between the tenor and bass voices. As I'm playing the bassoon, I can vividly picture the lyrics in my head. _[You are the Music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulCr2Mf-_dU) _ speaks of how music can outstrip reality and put one's spirit into a vacuum of harmonious, spiritual reverence. We absorb the general aspects of music and make them our own.   
  
Just like what Sana does with her music.  
  
Chaeyeon lowers her flute, "I keep misreading the dynamics."  
  
"It's so difficult to hit each note with precision", Chaeryeong gripes.  
  
It breaks my heart to hear two twelve year-olds utter words of perfection or "hitting the notes right". Why do I say that? It is because I've been in that same position when I was their age — no, I've been told to perform faithfully to the score for as long as I played an instrument.  Dan Forrest mentioned in an interview that we shouldn't pretend to be somebody that we're not, even in a compositional sense.   
  
"I wouldn't worry so much about whether you can play this piece accurately."  
  
I say this and it bewilders both of the sisters.  
  
"Just have fun with the piece. Don't you think that it's immensely rewarding when you re-create sounds that you dream up in your head?" I said with a soft smile on my face, "Forrest, let alone most composers, had no intention of restraining the vocalists or the instrumentalists."   
  
I'm now having flashbacks to that one day in October — the day when I played the main theme to _My Neighbor Totoro_ for Chaeyoung's cousins and their classmates. I actually poured a lot of my positive energy through that song and I did it on my own accord, long before the kids sang along. I hear Sana, Chaeyoung, and Jihyo's performances echoing in my head when I think about how music acts as an emotional, escapist medium.   
  
I haven't written myself a self-affirmation post since I left for Paris ten days ago.   
  
"How do you have fun with the piece?" Chaeryeong asks, "How do I know what I want to play."

_"Experimentation is a good thing!"_

I paused when Sunny's words popped in my head, "Try out different sounds until you find something that satisfies you."  
  
"Can you show us?" Chaeyeon requested.  
  
I exhaled, my lips pulling into a smile before my reed goes in between them. [ _Le Cygne_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b44-5M4e9nI) from Saint-Saëns' composition, _Le carnaval des animaux._  
  
  
  
Also known as _The Swan_ from _The Carnival of the Animals_ , it is a marvelous piece composed for solo cello and piano. _Le Cygne_ demonstrates the evanescent nature of magnificence with its elucidation of the legend of the "swan song". A prevalent belief among the ancient Greeks and Romans, who regarded the swan as having the most significant of all creatures, was that the Mute Swan is soundless until its final moments of its lifecycle, during which it sings the loveliest of all birdsongs. It gets me thinking about how silent and obedient I remained as a child under overbearing parents. When I finally became an adult and poured out my emotions on them, there was no turmoil. I felt at peace. I felt free.   
  
Wow. Since I've encountered Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong, I forgot about what happened with my parents.  
  
Often times, I forgot how heavily I relied on my bassoon as stress relief until the aftermath of that fight. Unlike the _Partita_ , the slow tempo and legato markings put me at ease. Notes flow out mellow and tender, just like the moonlight clinging onto the window panes like remnants of the rain — the calm of the night after a huge storm. I can actually breathe for once. I don't have to worry about spazzing for gulps of air because _Le Cygne_ is a kind, tranquil piece. The final note is held with a tinge of vibrato, air streaming from my lungs like cool wine, hushed in the aftermath.  
  
"You play magnificently", Chaeyeon begins to bloom tears in her eyes.  
  
Chaeryeong nodded, wide-eyed as she glanced at every aspect of my instrument, "I love the sound of your bassoon. It sounds like the human voice — rich, delicate, _**real**_. I think of my father's singing when I hear it. I want to switch when I'm older and have better lungs to play the huge thing."  
  
_*Clap Clap Clap*_  
  
From behind, there was a well-dressed lady wearing a red fur jacket with her clean-cut husband donned in a leather coat, jovially applauding at my heartfelt music. Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong were so absorbed in the scene, that neither of them had noticed their affable parents from behind. They jump out of their seat, hopping into her mother's and father’s arms in pure bliss.  
  
Her mother ecstatically rejoices, "Chaeyeon! Chaeryeong! Have you been good to that girl?”  
  
"Yes! Mina even played for us!” Chaeyeon bellowed.  
  
"Oh my lord! Thank you so much for watching over my daughters", their mother gratefully says in a thick Korean accent, "I swear to god, I almost died after I realized that someone in our family was missing. Wait a minute. Mina Myoui, you say? Isn’t she—"  
  
"Yes mum", Chaeryeong speaks up, "She’s the world's first child bassoon prodigy."  
  
"It's nice to meet you", I greeted while bowing in respect, "Your daughters are very pleasurable to work with."  
  
"My God, you look so beautiful and mature in person", she cooed, scooping me in her huge arms as I suffocated, "Anyways, I'm so grateful to have such a heavenly soul like you watch over my mischievous children. Your music was very enlightening and marvelous. I'm pretty sure that Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong enjoyed every single note that emitted from that expensive instrument! I can't wait to hear you play someday again."  
  
"I hope so too", I weakly laughed at her last statement.   
  
"Mommy! Can I play the bassoon like Mina one day?" Chaeyeon eagerly questioned.  
  
"When you're a bit older, my child!" she said, playfully poking her nose, "Your arms are still too short to hold up one!"  
  
"Don't worry", I gently smiled at the disappointed girl, clasping her hands meaningfully as she peered at me with her glistening eyes, "Once you begin learning, I'll be there to help you with anything that you need. In the meantime, I suggest that you start exercising your lungs so that it'll be easier for you in the future! Oh, and don't forget your arms too! You need to hold up that thing for a long time!"  
  
"I will!" Chaeyeon declared, "I'll start exercising with my sister!"  
  
"That's the spirit!" I hollered as I gave the smaller girl a high-five.  
  
"You really are a kind person, Mina", Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong's father told me with a warm smile, "As a parent, it just disheartens me to hear that your parents would push you past your limits. I hope that you can remain resilient in times like these."   
  
"And just know that we're always here when you need us", the mom winks, "I'll give Chaeyoung our address and number so you can refer to us."  
  
"Mommy and daddy are licensed marriage and family therapists", Chaeryeong blurts.  
  
At the end of the day, after Chaeyeon, Chaeryeong and their parents said their last regards, they waved back at me as they began to promenade down the rue de Grennelle. I let out a huge sigh, turning back to see that Chaeyoung had finished her journey searching for the right mallets.  
  
Chaeyoung beamed at me as she tucked her brand new mallets in her shopping bag, " _It's nice to have fans. You know, people who support you._ "  
  
" _I agree_ ”, I nodded, " _It feels amazing to know that there are actual people watching your back and rooting for you._ "  
  
That night, Chaeyoung and I were the only passengers riding the Roue de Paris ferris wheel.   
  
" _You're surprisingly good with kids_ ", Chaeyoung commented.  
  
"Maybe it's because I've never had a true childhood", I muttered to myself.  
  
" _What was that?_ " she asked, not comprehending.  
  
I shook my head, " _Oh, nothing._ "  
  
The roaring sound of electric motors ringed in my left ear and our passenger capsule prepares to soar into the open air. Claude Debussy's _[Clair de Lune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFH_6DNRCY) _ (light of the moon) was playing softly from the overhead speakers. I noticed that Chaeyoung had not given me a single gesture since we were queuing in line for tickets. I slumped my body against the glass screen, tugging my bassoon case closer to my chest, secured by my warm muff.

" _It's beautiful how you could just let your feelings out through your music_ ", Chaeyoung expressed with a grin, then she took out her phone to text something to me.

**[Son Chaeyoung] Debussy quoted that, 'Works of art make rules; rules do not make works of arts.' His works freed music from the traditions that stifled it. He brought new music to the Europeans."**

I removed my hands from my muff, " _I'm surprised that you protected me._ _I thought you were mad at me._ "  
  
" _Because of what I said about competitions and how you can be an entitled prick?_ " Chaeyoung cocks her head.  
  
" _Yeah_."  
  
The percussionist sighed before composing another text.

**[Son Chaeyoung]I felt bad afterwards. Since that fight with your parents, I figured that it wasn't your fault for thinking that way. I mean, I couldn't hear anything that your parents were saying, but I figured that it had to do with you earning second place at the competition.**

Chaeyoung is so right here. Since I was born, all my parents taught me was that becoming the best is the only way to have fun and prosper. The truth is, it wasn't fun. Pain was part of the project and it didn't matter how many bruises I had in the end; I still had to perform, nonetheless.   
  
Chaeyoung then claps her hands in a rapid motion before pulling out her phone again.

**[Son Chaeyoung] At least Sana and Jihyo placed in the top three. That's all I really wanted, and it was for them to get recognition. For the many years that I've been friends with them in the youth orchestra, they've always been underappreciated, no matter how beautifully they played. Especially Sana because she's never won first, second, or third place before.**

Now it makes sense why Chaeyoung hates competitions. Her dear friends have always been discounted despite their talents.  
  
" _You don't hate me, right?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung laughs, " _I never said that!_ "  
  
" _Just making sure_ ", I muttered before stuffing my hands back in my muff. I don't know why, but a teardrop escaped my eye when she said that.  
  
"Oh no! I'm sorry!" Chaeyoung cries out before giving me a reassuring hug, sticking her lukewarm hands into the same muff.  
  
Silence reigned between us as the ferris wheel reaches its highest point. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, it was a serene silence. The night sky was a cold, vast expanse that enveloped the earth like a blanket littered with small flecks of white fire too far to be felt from up close. The street lights of the famous Champs-Élysées were starting to come alive, joining the stars in its symphony of light.   
  
" _You're not thinking about what happened yesterday anymore, are you?_ "  
  
" _Chaeyoung_ ", I began, " _Did you bring me to that music store on purpose? So that I could see your little cousins?_ "  
  
The percussionist nervously swallows the residing lump in her throat, " _Yes. Yes, I did._ "

* * *

**The Hundreth Measure**

Thursday: December 31, 2020  
  
Everyone gathered at the Champs de Mars for the countdown. I love the Parisian nightlife: having to go down unfamiliar streets and absorbing new sounds, scents, and sights every time I visit. The sky grew dimmer and the stars started peeking out of their blue blanket. Numerous food carts and tents filled up all the spaces. Salty and sweet delicacies were pretty much at every corner. The men had just returned from the night market with assorted breads, cheeses, and meats. Sana wandered off to a group of kids who were craving an autograph or a picture with her. I settled on a gingham picnic blanket with Kwon Yuri, the two of us wrapped in a wool blanket for warmth. The air was becoming colder as the night lingered on.  
  
"I'm so happy! We finally get to catch up!" Yuri gleefully sighed before slugging a link of bratwurst sausage into her mouth.  
  
"Mmm..." I fidgeted with my fingers, trying to voice out an answer, but my lungs were being complete shit at the moment.  
  
Yuri rests her head on my shoulder as a friendly gesture, "Tell me, how's your third year at Juilliard going?"  
  
I go over the positive, mundane details, scrapping out the adversities like my acoustic neuroma or my break-up with The Six. I don't talk much because I couldn't formulate large sentences. I kept telling my crap lungs to shut up, to stay strong until the flu season is over.  
  
"How about London?" I asked out of plain curiosity, "Is the professional life everything that you've wished for?"  
  
"Of course!" she zealously chuckled, "That's not to say that I don't have any hardships. Once you've made it into a top-tier orchestra, it's no longer about the money and everything is about the art. Before I joined the London Symphony Orchestra, I've never ventured outside of America. Because of my job, I get to travel to different countries, collaborate with awesome people, but most importantly, I'm doing what I love."  
  
"You're lucky. There are only ten job openings across the world for bassoonists every year. Maybe even less."  
  
"You know, Mina", Yuri began after gulping down a stream of Corona, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Adam Richards, principal bassoonist of the London Symphony Orchestra, announced his retirement in 2022. Rattle announced that he would be searching for a new principal bassoonist very early. I don't know when the second and third rounds will be, but I know that the first round of auditions begins in the spring of 2021."   
  
_Three rounds to win the position? Holy shit._  Most of my hearing will be gone if I somehow manage to pull through the first and second rounds.  
  
"By the time Rattle announces the winner, you would've already graduated from Juilliard", she adds, "I think that you're more than qualified for the position with all of your awards, orchestral experience, and performances."   
  
"Do you think that I have a chance?"  
  
"Mina", Yuri restates with a teasing smile, "Sunny won her position at the Berlin Philharmonic with one-sixth of the awards and a third of the experience that you have. You are sure set to win a permanent, tenure-tracked principal position with the London Symphony Orchestra."  
  
"Uh... I guess?" I say skeptically.    
  
"Are you talkin' trash about me, Yul?" Sunny turns her head and sneers at her cousin. The bass trombonist removes herself from her huddle of Berlin Phil colleagues and runs over to Yuri, tackling her like an MMA fighter. Who ever knew that such a small girl could have this much strength?  
  
"I'm going to miss you guys when I go back to New York", I chuckled.  
  
"Are you going to miss me when I go back to Berlin?" Sunny breathes in between bites on Yuri's fingers.   
  
"I won't", Yuri laughs.   
  
"Alright! That's it you little—"  
  
I walk away from Sunny and Yuri's playful fighting and join Chaeyoung under a tree facing the foreground of the Eiffel Tower. On the other side of Chaeyoung was a girl with jet black hair, accented by magenta highlights that compliment her black floral dress with pink and red roses.  
  
"Mina! Sit here", the girl exclaims, patting down on the empty space on her other side.  
  
"Wh-Who are you?"  
  
Her eyes widened, "It's me, Sana!"  
  
I cupped my mouth with my hand in surprise.  _No way. Sana dyed her hair from blonde to black._  
  
"I wanted to take on a more mature look", Sana says shyly, wiggling her toes under the shared _Super Mario Bros._ blanket that she and Chaeyoung are using, topped with a lengthy baguette and blocks of brie and white truffle butter.   
  
"You look pretty", I complimented.  
  
Sana madly blushes like a shrinking rose, her unspoken throat unable to rack up any words.  
  
"She's blushing!" Chaeyoung unconsciously yells out for the third time this week  
  
" _Don't tease me!_ " Sana nudges the smaller girl.  
  
The clock was approaching its last few minutes before striking the New Year's bell, a slew of pyrotechnicians preparing for the fireworks from afar. Without notice, the entire city of Paris thunders in the wake of a new year. This magical moment, fireworks shoot into the sky, wowing all the spectators from below. Usually, Sana would be terrorized by the roaring sounds of explosions, just like how she cowers away from thunder. But today, her ears were deaf to the noise of the accompanying fireworks taking Chaeyoung and I in each arm.

* * *

**BONUS (Sana and Chaeyoung. Part 2/5)**  
  
Saturday: April 16, 2016  
  
"Great work everyone! Take a break!" Maestro Shimazaki rejoiced as commenced a twenty-minute break for the tired musicians.   
  
Much like the orchestra's usual late afternoon practice sessions, the group was scheduled to practice for two hours after lunch break. Fortunately, today's practice session went swell because the entire orchestra managed to finish perfecting all movements of Bruckner’s [ _Eighth Symphony_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wbf5SVOXI0) as well as going through tough passages of Strauss'  _[Don Juan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_um5yLJx-RM) _ and Ginastera's [ _Estancia Suite_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VjZylgB7tE). Maestro Shimazaki comments on how vigorously Sunny's bass trombone severs through the texture of the orchestra, and then how gorgeously the horns fill the auditorium. It improves Sana's mood.  
  
"Are you okay?" Chaeyoung noted the fatigued expression on her new friend's face.  
  
"I forgot to hydrate myself", Sana remembered, "Do you have water with you right now?"  
  
"I do!" Chaeyoung piped up, unscrewing the cap from the bottle before handing it over to the dehydrated , "Percussionists need water because they utilize a great deal of their muscles to play their instruments. I'm pretty sure that it's the same protocol for brass players."  
  
"True. And thanks for the water", she said with a smile, retaining her breath.  
  
The percussionist gave the girl a warm grin, satisfied to hear that she was in a better mood today, "You're welcome. It’s nice to see that you’re adjusting with the youth orchestra. You're actually a lot more talented than what your section gives you credit for, if they credit you at all, that is.”  
  
The elevator doors slid open, exposing a spacious practice room in front of them with Jihyo’s viola laid aside the piano bench. The bustling violist was in the bathroom somewhere in the Davies’ Symphony Hall. There was also a glass window, revealing the outside world that the three girls never got to see in five hours after being cramped up in the youth orchestra’s rehearsal room. The sun gawked at the world without silence through the crystal clear sky. Delicate, ornate plants withered under the brightness of the fiery orb while the trees sagged in their dismay. The warmth blistering from the streets soon generated an atmosphere of an oven. Many people sought comfort from the heat by eating ice cream or drinking chilled beverages as sweat rolled off their foreheads like liquid beads, darkening their clothing.  
  
Speaking of sweat, Chaeyoung and Sana had a lot of them radiating off their foreheads. Sana especially, as her lungs were about to give in once the elevator ascended halfway towards the second floor. Bruckner's _Eighth Symphony_  required the fifth through eighth horns to double on Wagner tuben and Sana had never heard of such a thing since her father never talked about it. Wagner tuben are difficult to control, more so than horns in the opinion of Peniel, one of Sana's sectionmates. Naeun was annoyed at Sana's incompetence at the instruments during today's sectionals.  
  
"I forgot to ask you this a few weeks ago. Why did you protect me from Naeun?" Sana asked.  
  
Chaeyoung set down her hand towel, "I just hate competitive people."  
  
"Why?" Sana asked.  
  
Chaeyoung was about to explain when a familiar friend cuts through the emphatic silence.  
  
"Oh! There you two are!" Jihyo's voice echoed down the meek hallways, "We’re about to resume rehearsals. Come downstairs to the auditorium."

* * *

Saturday: April 23, 2016  
  
"What's wrong?", Yoona noticed that Sana's tone started to sound weaker rather than following the glorious, exultant beat of the intended piece.  
  
"I-I'm just out of it", Sana sank in her chair. Her father's funeral took place yesterday and she still has thoughts about him whenever she played.  
  
Standing up from her chair and walking around in circles, the contemplative section leader went deep in thought about Sana’s condition before coming up with an idea, "How about looking over your piece a few more times until you feel comfortable? We won’t stop until you get it, okay?”  
  
"God, really now?" Naeun groaned.  
  
"We're not _last chair_ 's babysitters you kn—" Peniel stopped rambling as soon as Yoona gave him the 'death stare'.  
  
"I don't want to hear another word from you two", Yoona made clear, her voice emitting an air of authority, "And don't you dare call her _last chair._ "  
  
_She's so cool._  
  
After a long, arduous day of sectionals, practicing at the park was the only option that Sana had left if she didn't want her San Francisco neighbors nagging at her to 'shut that damn horn'. Her house was only a block away from the North Lake, so getting home wasn't much of a big deal to her.   
  
As the night grew lonelier and destitute at Golden Gate Park, so did Sana's music as she played the horn part to Forrest's [_You Are The Music_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTf_CvFJgtY) quietly in the background. It was her lovey-dovey mother and father's favorite song since their high school days. Mr. Minatozaki played the horn whereas Mrs. Minatozaki was the solo soprano voice in their school choir. Not a single thought of her late father escaped the young girl's mind as soft, somber notes escaped from her horn. Sana's father loved music so deeply, and it sometimes showed through Sana's own playing as well.   
  
_Maybe I should head back._ Sana thought to herself as she lowered her horn, nearly choking on tears as thoughts of her dad crossed her mind.  
  
The arms of the lower tree branches hung down as if they were trying to grasp her small body, swaying in the coming and going wind. Moss dripped from the sickly dark trees like decayed flesh. Deep shadows seemed to ooze of their own volition.  
  
Not far from her omnipresence, a faint sound of another dismal horn can be heard within distance, replying to the somber tone of Sana's solitary horn. Sana responded back on her primary instrument, letting her music echo through the empty park. It didn't take long for that same horn to mirror her wistful melody. That other horn also performing Forrest's composition, except they're replicating playing the soprano voice's part.  
  
Sana stood up and ventured to track the sound of the recipient, using the reverberations of its sound to tickle her well-trained musician's ear. In an attempt to receive the same musical message, Sana continued to mirror the same melody with her horn's call.   
  
Holy shit. Yoona?  
  
Yoona gave the Sana goosebumps: the pure expression on her face, the fluid motions of her agile fingers, her soft lips' touch, and most importantly the amount of emotion she was able to put into her playing. Every high note pierced Sana’s heart like an arrow, slowly climbing on wings of freedom upwards anew into heaven's highest calling while performing the soprano part that was originated for the human voice. But at the same time, her tone was so euphonious, so gentle that her horn's tender sound crawled over her entire body to envelop Sana with a sense of warmth she would never find anywhere else. For a second, her previous worries escaped her mind and she could only long for more of Yoona's music.  
  
And when Yoona stopped, Sana felt a shiver travel down her spine with the prodigious horn player called her name.  
  
"Minatozaki?" Yoona's caramel eyes captured the anxious girl's gaze, her voice low and drop-dead sexy.  
  
"Y-yes?"  
  
The doe-eyed girl lets out a soft chuckle that rings like a symphony of violins to Sana's ears, "So you were the one practicing here earlier?"  
  
The blonde girl speaks up again, "Yes."  
  
"You're really freaking good, especially for somebody who has only began to touch a horn a couple of years ago. I'm in disbelief that you would even be assigned eighth chair", Yoona compliments and Sana swears that her heart is going to jump out of her chest anytime soon.  
  
"My father was the one who inspired me", a rigid laughter escapes Sana's mouth.  
  
Yoona raised an eyebrow, " _Was?_ "  
  
Sana took in a shuddering breath, nodding at her sudden query as tears formed her eyes, "H-He was killed in the Syrian War."  
  
_Man, I didn't know that Sana's father had died. It's so sad how he can't hear her beautiful music._ Yoona thinks. She was cradling tche younger girl lose to her chest, a flood of tears gushing down her ashened cheeks; she really didn't know that Sana went through so much suffering.  
  
"I'm so sorry", was all the older girl could mouth, "I understand how you feel."  
  
Of course Yoona would know what it feels like to lose a parent. Her mom died from AIDS, and it greatly devastated Yoona because she was touring the continent of Europe at a young age while her mom was suffering at home. Sana was enjoying her childhood while her father was in the battlefield, faced with war-torn buildings and dead bodies that began to define his daily life. 

**Sana and Chaeyoung's Story To Be Continued.**

**\----**

**Next Chapter Preview :**

"Starting this spring semester, I'm expanding the size of the Juilliard Orchestra. I held auditions over the past week since we returned from Paris. Please welcome our new Juilliard Orchestra members", Maestro Gilbert greets with a rare smile, "They are from the Pops Orchestra as well."  
  
Oh my gosh. It's  ** _*BLEEP*_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I've managed to squeeze in another chapter before my final exams (YAY!) I hope that all of you are doing well. The second arc has begun and there are a lot of stories that have yet to unfold. If you'd like to read more into Yoona's backstory, I have it here. Sana and Chaeyoung's backstories are going to encompass a few more bonuses and then there will be more content from Mina and the others.


	21. basso continuo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_basso continuo_  
Origin: Italian  
Continuous bass (i.e. a bass part played continuously throughout a piece to give harmonic structure), used especially in the Baroque period.

** **

**The First Measure**

Monday: January 11, 2021  
  
The second semester has begun in the way that I least expected it.  
  
Chaekyung returned from South Korea with a bulk of souvenirs, including Korean cosmetics and K-pop paraphernalia, but that's not the odd part of my day. The strangest part of the first day was realizing how right Momo is about who my musicology classmates were — Reina, Shori, Jennie, Yuzuna, and Shuuka all bunched up next to the front row of lecture hall seats while me, Sana, Jihyo, and Eunha lodged near the furthest exit.  
  
And if things couldn't get more peculiar, just wait until the minute I walked into that class.  
  
"Look, it's Mina!" one of my classmates, whom I recognized to be Hwasa from the piano division, yelled as if she had never seen me before.  
  
Her friend, Wheein or whatever, slid a hand over Hwasa’s babbling mouth in an attempt to shut her up, "Don't be so loud! She can hear us!"  
  
When the two girls sunk in their seats, several curious eyes were focused on me. I could hear my classmates muttering and pointing fingers towards me. I didn't catch exactly what they were exactly saying, but in their faces, I could see pity in their eyes. It made me hurl; the entire cheesy high school semblence and the animated students spreading gossip with their friends after a fairly short winter break.   
  
"Is it true that Mina got second place at the festival competition?" one boy asked.  
  
"Poor her. I know that her parents aren't going to be happy about this", another girl said.  
  
"Speaking of parents, I heard that..."  
  
I shrugged off the crude comments that I was receiving and slid into an unoccupied desk next to Sana. My seat was perfect because it was next to the exit, just in case I have a panic attack during class or if my ears decide to make a mess of my awareness.   
  
"Okay class! My name is Dr. Veronika Zarkov and I'm going to be your Musicology of the year!" an eagerly petite Russian woman wearing an attire fit for a company manager came into view, "Open your textbooks to Chapter One: Pitch and Interval."  
  
"ALREADY?" The entire class stormed.  
  
“We’re reviewing music theory again?” Eunha audibly groaned.  
  
Dr. Zarkov completely ignored the violinist’s objection and went on reading, writing examples up on the whiteboard as she explained, "The pitch of a note is how high or low it sounds. The distance between two pitches is called an interval between them. The small interval from one note to the next closest note higher or lower is called the half step or semitone. A scale can go up and down by half steps, a chromatic scale plays all the notes on both the white and black keys of a piano. If you go..."  
  
I wasn't entirely listening to her speech; the fact that my classmates injected the names of my parents into their conversation had me concerned. _How do they know about the whole ordeal between my parents and I?_ I never told anybody except Sana, Chaeyoung, my Pops Orchestra section, and the “Crack Squad”. It wasn't long before Dr. Zarkov's shadow peered over my inattentive body, eyes furrowed at me.  
  
"So Mina, if you go up or down two half steps from one note to another, what happens to those notes?" she questioned. _Oh fuck me._  
  
"Eh?"  
  
I looked as if she were in a daze, perhaps even exhausted — my voice was low and echoed around the behemoth room, a trait that I barely demonstrated in front of elders. To add to my lethargic phase, I showed up to class wearing sweatpants, uggs, and an oversized knit sweater.  
  
"Fine", Dr. Zarkov proclaimed, "I'll ask Sana."  
  
"If you go up or down two steps from one note to another, then those notes are a whole step, or in other words, a whole tone apart", Sana cuts in while my professor gives me the most pretentious glare. My classmates were clearly amazed, giving the hornist a round of applause as Dr. Zarkov gave her an approving nod. My body started to sink in mortification at my inattentiveness. _Jesus Christ. I learned that in Music Theory I too._  
  
"Correct!", she piped up, "You should learn from your _friend_ to pay attention more!"  
  
_Oh hell no._  
  
That statement nearly crossed the line. I dug my head further into my arms in humiliation. _Did freaking Sana Minatozaki just answer for me? What the hell?_ My classmates started to snort at me, making coarse faces and boorish gestures while a few others paid attention to the rising star hornist, asking her questions about her intelligence and indulging themselves into Sana's life.  
  
As the day went on, Sana began to acclaim more recognition from other Juilliard peers, making the me feel a little more uncomfortable and maybe a teensy bit resentful against her. The girls who once teased Sana began to admire her for her horn playing at the competition and her new hairstyle. Many of them offered to help her carry her belongings, such as her bulky instrument case or her purse.  
  
"Oh my gosh! Hi Sana!" Jennie sang. She didn't even take a second to acknowledge my appearance. "I rewatched your performance of Strauss and I was mindblown. How do you manage to uphold such technicality while playing with such lyricism?"  
  
"What about Mina?" Sana said, her purse slipping off her shoulder and plopping down onto the floor.  
  
"Oh... right! Mina too!" she replied, glancing at me before switching her gaze back to the horn player. I sought sarcasm in Jennie’s voice; she knew that I didn't perform THAT well at the competition. "So Sana, about that Strauss, can you give me some pointers on how to play more..."  
  
I winced internally as specific images flashed through my mind. It breaks away to that one intervention I had with my cousins over the dinner table. Jennie is doing the exact same thing by disregarding my presence and obsessing with the "winner" instead.  
  
It was perplexing. Jennie _never_ talked face-to-face with Sana before. And in addition, Jennie downgraded Sana about her skills and fashion sense prior to the competition, which shows how freaking erratic she is. I should've listened to Nayeon when she told me to avoid Jennie.  
  
"Are you still working at _Café Fiorello_?" Jennie asks Sana, "I'd like to eat lunch with you there."  
  
"Oh heavens no. I quit", Sana shook her head, accompanied by a laugh that chimed of smugness, "After winning one hundred thousand dollars, I figured that I didn't need a job anymore. I also quit my job at the DIsability Resources Center so I can focus more on my music."  
  
_So Sana quit both of her jobs, huh._  
  
"Do you still want to hang out, though?" Jennie pressed.  
  
"Can Mina come too?" Sana mentions my name and it ignites a sharp pang in my heart.  
  
"I only snagged enough cash to treat _one_ of you", the clarinetist says flatly.  
  
"It's okay. I won't go", I decided passive agressively, forcing a smile and slinging the strap of my instrument case on my shoulder, "I'm just going to hide in the recesses of my misery and perfectionism in one of the practice rooms. You two have a blast!"  
  
Sana knitted her eyebrows worringly, "Are you sure?"  
  
"I'm _absolutely_ sure!" I stressed.

* * *

**The Second Measure**

Tuesday: January 12, 2021  
  
I woke up to a horrid afternoon. Even though the forecasted hail had not fallen yet, heavy snow pelted mercilessly against the glass window, waking up my weary, exhausted self. I rolled out of my bed with my blanket still caressed around my shoulders, rubbing my eyes, then reaching for the lamp switch to turn on the lights. My phone was latched to a charger across the room so I picked out a watch of the clothes drawer instead.  
   
"Oh, Jesus", I took a gander at my watch, "I’m going to be late for my lesson!"  
  
Disregarding the nutritious meal that Sana cooked up for me and Chaekyung, I hurriedly grabbed my umbrella, instrument, and backpack filled with crumpled sheet music before speeding out the door. I happened to pass by Chaekyung, who was in the lounge area with her girlfriend and Juilliard Orchestra piccolo player Kim Sohee, pouring themselves a cup of coffee.   
  
"M-Mina! You're still wearing your pajamas!" Chaekyung shouted, chasing me through the silent hallways of the dormitory.  
  
"It's snowing outside!" Sohee warns.  
  
I ignored their warnings and persevered to the exit, dashing past the dormitory's security guards, swishing the front door open as I surprised two other music students. I pumped my legs, gaining momentum with each push. My feet slapped the wet, concrete floor sending me jetting past various people that blurred in my speed. Chaekyung was too late in retrieving me. Giving off a slight sigh, I stopped once I arrived at the main building, my cold breath buffeting the glass doors as I pushed them open against the strong wind.  
  
I took a deep breath before opening the next door to my fate, or rather my next lesson. I crossed my fingers in hopes that my professor, Dr. Kevin Cseszenky, wouldn't scold me for sleeping in.   
  
"G-Good morning..." I greeted in a shaky voice as I slowly creaked the door open.  
  
Rather than rebuking me, he chuckled at my outward appearance, "It's already past noon and you're still wearing pajamas? Did you sleep in?"  
  
"I... umm…” I stuttered.  
  
"It's okay!" He reassured, reaching for a towel located in the corner of the room, "Before we start our lesson, you should dry up before you catch a cold. I wouldn't want you to get sick on the second day of a new semester. And speaking of self-care, I need to use the bathroom real quick."  
  
I wrapped the towel around my shoulders as I prepared to assemble my instrument. Before I could even reach my case, I could hear the sound of two babbling girls, most likely college freshmen, mentioning _my_ name in their talebearing conversation. _Sheesh, it's too difficult to concentrate when news about Sana and I are circulating around the school this fast._ Their voices tear through the cream-colored walls so emphatically, that it's audible even my left ear. It makes me anxious because the entire hallway could listen in on the rumors and nobody would stop them.  
  
"I'm back", as if on cue, Dr. Cseszenky returned shortly after the two girls disappeared from the hallway.  
  
"Dr. Cseszenky, do you know who was talking about me in the hallways?" I inquired.  
  
He shook his head, "Nope. Were they bothering you?"  
  
"Never mind. It's fine", I shrugged, "I'll just figure it out later. I'm ready to start our lesson."  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“I’m sure.”  
  
"Okay, we'll get a move on", he nodded.  
  
With my previous lesson ending on a lower note, Sana and I returned to our musicology class for another hell of an hour to endure. At lunch, I ran back to the dorms to change into decent clothes. Then at the lecture hall entrance, a hub of boys approached Sana and stole her away from me.  
  
"Notes in the minor scale follow a different pattern and so have different relationships with each other. Music in minor keys have a different sound and emotional feel, and develops differently in a harmonic manner. Hence, one cannot transpose a piece from C major to D minor without changing it a great deal. Minor scales are based on a different pattern of intervals. Starting the minor scale pattern on a different note will give a different key signature. To create a natural minor scale, start on the tonic note and go up the scale using the interval pattern..."  
  
I didn't listen to Dr. Zarkov's ramblings about keys and scales because I’ve already learned about this shit years ago. I sat separately from Sana and the others this time, situating myself in the empty seat next to a wide window, peering at the Lincoln Center of Performing Arts. I noticed something different. In the heart of the center, right where the fountain is placed, a little girl was crying while hugging her knees. I don't know exactly why or how, but she was crying. I can sympathize with this little girl because my inner self is in the same exact pathetic state. And to think that I believed in the proverb that "new years bring prosperity and happiness." This is not how I wanted my second semester to play out.  
  
I want to hop into a time machine and sail back to the memory of playing with Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong. I want to forget about all of this sh—  
  
"Tell me Mina, what is the relative minor?" Dr. Zarkov chose the right time to victimize me once again. She speaks in my right (deaf) ear so it takes a while for me to register the wording of her question in my head.   
  
I begin to explain when Sana’s pitchy voice overlaps my softer voice, "It’s—"  
  
"A minor key is referred to as the relative minor of the major key that also has the same key signature. Even though they have the same key signature, a minor key and its relative major sound very different. Apart from natural minor scales, there are also melodic and harmonic minor scales", Sana eagerly cut in once again, her free hand flailing in the air.  
  
"Very good Minatozaki!" Dr. Zarkov beamed before giving me a disappointed sigh.  
  
"You're welcome", Sana smirks at me.  
  
"I didn't ask for your help", I grumbled.

* * *

**The Third Measure**

Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals never go unnoticed without Maestro Gilbert's spontaneous announcements. The course of events is always the conventional assembling of instruments, wetting reeds (if you play a woodwind like me), tuning, Maestro's speech (occasionally with the interventions of Kai), and then the actual rehearsal. With my hanging from my mouth, I gloss over the orchestra syllabus that tabulates our upcoming concerts and the pieces that will become a part of the program. Berlioz's _Symphonie Fantastique_  and another piece that has yet to be announced. The date for our next concert also hasn't been listed, meaning that anything could be subjected to change.   
  
_Symphonie Fantastique?_ I'm still having nightmares about the time when Jun and Vernon shouted at Yerin.   
  
Speaking of Vernon and Jun, I haven't said a single word to them since that incident. Jun isn't at rehearsals today because the instrumentation for  _Symphonie Fantastique_ only calls for four bassoons. Vernon is still awkward with me, turning to Joshua for Mingyu for assistance instead. I don't regret calling them out for what they had said to Yerin, but gosh, it feels like everybody has exhibiting negative energy towards me since the competition. Forget about tinnitus; this notion of being abhorred by nearly the entire school is giving me a bigger headache.  
  
"Minaaaaa", Chaekyung hovers over my head. _I almost forgot about this girl since Sana came in._  
  
"H-Hi!" I sputter, my reed falling out of my mouth and landing in the palms of my hand.  
  
"Sana wanted me to tell you that she's going to stay after Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals and help me catch up", Chaekyung briefs before grabbing my wrist and propping something in my hand, "I'll leave you with our room key just in case you come back to the dorms early."  
  
"O-Okay..."  
  
Maestro Gilbert rambles on about the happenings of the Parisian Winter Music Festival, including our performance and the results of the competition. That being said, he affixed his attention towards Sana, who is still sitting in the row behind me with Chaekyung on her left.   
  
"Because of Sana's popularity, I'm keeping her in this orchestra", Maestro Gilbert declares, "She and Chaekyung will become co-principal horns."  
  
I knew it. I had a gutted feeling that Maestro wans't going to release Sana given the fact that she became a phenomenon overnight. Nobody seemed to pay attention to the fact that Chaekyung had returned home as well; they're too stoked about having Sana remain in the lineup.  
  
Speaking of this semester's lineup...   
  
"Starting this spring semester, I'm expanding the size of the Juilliard Orchestra. I held auditions over the past week since we returned from Paris", Maestro Gilbert greets with a rare smile, "They are from the Pops Orchestra as well."  
  
"The Pops Orchestra? You mean the _leftovers_?" Yuzuna scoffs from the flute section and the rest of the orchestra joins her party ideology.  
  
"Not leftovers", Maestro Gilbert gives the haughty flutist a disapproving look, "These folks possess a lot more talent and passion than I initially thought, and I believe that some out-performed others in the festival competition. In fact, because of the results of their auditions, I'm making seating arrangements to some of the sections. Anyone who disagrees will just have to deal with it until you wish to challenge them for their seat."  
  
The Juilliard Orchestra members glowered. They were not happy to hear that the new members would be overriding their supposed importance.  
  
Ten new members file into the auditorium with welcoming smiles implanted on their faces. I recognize most of them: Jackson and Eunha on violin, Youngjae on oboe, and Eric Nam on percussion. When the last six members come into my periphery, my eyes shot open — a brown pixie cut timpanist, a wavy dirty blonde second violinist, a chocolate-colored signature-ponytailed violist, a small double bassist who dyes her hair every month, a gorgeous cellist with silky dark hair, and lastly, the jet-black clarinetist who has decided to make her comeback in the Juilliard Orchestra.  
  
It's the "Crack Squad".  
  
"Please give a warm welcome our new members — Jackson Wang, Eunha, and Momo Hirai on violin; Park Jihyo on viola; Chou Tzuyu on cello; Kim Dahyun on double bass; Choi Youngjae on oboe; Im Nayeon on clarinet; Yoo Jeongyeon and Eric Nam on percussion", Maestro Gilbert sweeps an arm out to give them a handshake before leading the orchestra in a round of applause. The claps emitted from most of the Juilliard Orchestra members were rather pathetic, but at least Sana and Chaekyung were there to enliven the spirits of the ten new members.    
  
"Surprise motherfu— OW!" Dahyun opens her mouth to give a snappy regard to Yuzuna when Tzuyu pokes her in the rib with her cello's bow.  
  
"And now for seating arrangements", Concertmaster Kai pulls out a clipboard from his "man purse" and jaunts to the center stage, "Jeongyeon will be co-principal timpanist with Rocky. Eric will be on third-chair percussion in between second-chair Justin and fourth-chair Chaeyoung. Youngjae will be on second oboe next to Shuuka, Momo will be fourth chair out of sixteen second violinists. Tzuyu will be seventh chair out of twelve cellists. Dahyun will be sixth chair out of eight double bassists. Nayeon will be second chair clarinetist next to co-principals Jennie Kim and Shori Sato."  
  
"Everyone starting from principal violist Rodrigo Santos, move down one chair", Maestro Gilbert intervenes.  
  
"¡Qué mierda!" (What the hell!) Rodrigo groans in his thick, Argentine accent.  
  
Karen, the violist who is probably the most distraught at hearing Jihyo's name being called, stands up from her second chair, "This is outrageous!"  
  
"I know right?" Yeonjung, sitting in the tenth viola seat, cries in protest.  
  
"Just do what Maestro says or else we're _all_ going to get in trouble", Pinky, the seventh violinist, pleads quietly.  
  
The violists whisper amongst themselves when Maestro Gilbert and Kai's intimidating stare settles into their skulls. They make their move, grumbling and complaining in low murmurs until the very first viola seat is left wide open and unoccupied.  
  
"Jihyo, sit in that first chair. You are now the Juilliard Orchestra's principal violist", Maestro Gilbert directs and the obedient girl complies. Jihyo makes herself comfortable when Karen bursts into tears after being downgraded from second chair to third chair, as well as being surpassed.  
  
Then Kai's eyes dart towards his own section — the first violins  
  
He bit his lip before he began, "Starting from Reina Washio, move down **two** chairs. Jackson, sit in the second chair. Eunha, sit in the third chair."  
  
The prideful violinist who had once sat next to Kai was fuming, her narrowed eyes and face growing as red as a tomato. It was as if blood was boiling in her veins, clenching her violin's bow to the point where it can almost break, snapping into two pieces like the breaking of one's back. Reina was now sitting in the fourth chair instead of second chair in the first violin section, and she isn't happy about it in the slightest.  
  
Maestro Gilbert clapped his hands together in satisfaction, "I didn't make these seatings arrangements to deem anybody untalented. No one is _not_ talented. But I believe that a change of attitude needs to be enforced here. You're all aiming to become pros, right? Professional musicians need to remain confident yet also humble in their work, and I believe that humility is one of the most valuable traits a human can possess."   
  
That made everyone shut up.  
  
"I am tough on you guys, that's true. I also tend to push everyone's limits, but I don't do this out of spite; I do it because I want to see everybody succeed", he spoke deliberately and slow, "The classical music industry is a stone-cold world, and I am here to prepare you for that world."  
  
I'm pleasantly surprised. This is one of Maestro Gilbert's rare moments where he formally prepares a meaningful speech. I felt stupid, all of a sudden. Maybe naked and abashed. I used to believe that I was hot shit and I grazed that sort of mindset from The Six and my parents. I need to remind myself that I'm human too and that I make mistakes just like I did in my musicology class, and just like the London Symphony Orchestra did during _The Firebird_. I just declared that I'm not a manipulative product of my mom and dad anymore. I make music because I love to make music.  
  
"Speaking of pushing everybody's limits, I'm making an alteration to our syllabus", Maestro Gilbert gushes with elation. His hands are pumped up and it spooks the young musicians, including me. "I'm pushing back _Symphonie Fantastique_ and the other unannounced piece to a different month. Our orchestra and a select number of students from Juilliard's Voice and Opera Department has been invited to the Bay Area Opera Festival that will take place at the end of March. The opera faculty and I settled on a large-scale opera work that will surely test our students."  
  
_The end of March?_ That's around my birthday. _And the Bay Area?_ The only major city that I could think of in that locality is San Francisco.  
  
"What opera are we doing?" Sana asked, genuinely excited about these news, "And where is the festival taking place?"  
  
"The festival will take place in San Francisco", he announces coolly and the hornist screams in bliss, startling the musicians sitting around her. The thought of revisiting her hometown just whirls her head. "And for the first time, we will be performing Wagner's spectacular _Der Ring des Nibelungen,_  colloquially known as "The Ring" — all four parts:  _The Rhinegold_ , _the Valkyrie_ , _Siegfried_ , and _Twilight of the Gods_."  
  
Everywhere I turned, there was chatter — both of mixed emotions. Performing Wagner's "Ring" cycle is parallel to climbing Mount Everest. "The Ring" is the most epic, the longest, and most physically taxing opera for vocalists and musicians alike. The entire production, all four parts consolidated into one, spans fifteen hours in length if the conductor chooses to keep pace. It seems almost unthinkable to make a student orchestra, even a well-versed student orchestra like the Juilliard Orchestra, perform every single part of "The Ring" over a span of four days.    
  
Maestro Gilbert is a huge fan, one might even call him "obsessed", with Richard Wagner. When he was pursuing his master's degree at Juilliard, he took Kurtz's Wagner Class and in 2015, was stirred to push the Juilliard Orchestra to perform his rendition of called  _A Ring Synthesis_. Wagner is an unconventional choice for students because of the grandeur and longevity of his works, so assigning the actual opera itself was really pushing it.   
  
But this is what being a performer is all about: testing the waters and doing things out of our comfort zone.  
  
"I think performing "The Ring" will be a huge milestone in the Juilliard Orchestra's history", he insists passionately, "This is also why I expanded the size of this orchestra, to accomodate the required instrumentation for "The Ring". I'm also extending rehearsals to meet the needs by March."  
  
The fact that he's extending Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals means that none of us will be able to make it to Pops Orchestra rehearsals.

* * *

**The Fourth Measure**  

Jeongyeon, Jihyo, and Momo came to a consensus that the Pops Orchestra will be on hiatus for the time-being that we are preparing for Wagner. None of us could attend Pops Orchestra rehearsals anymore due to the extension of Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals. After a rather rigid practice session, where Maestro Gilbert wanted to test our familiarity with the entire piece, I returned to my dorm with rivulets of sweat rolling down my forehead as I propped my instrument case next to my bedside. Sana's makeshift bed has been laid out to accompany a familiar guest.  
  
Chaeyoung did not attend rehearsals nor any of her other classes because she contracted a fever. Sana offered to have her stay at our place since the percussionist made an effort to show up to her first class, where the professor reported Chaeyoung to the health center in the residence hall.  
  
" _How was practice?_ " Chaeyoung signed from her bed with an ice pack remained above her forehead, closing her laptop. Much to my surprise, She seemed to sound alright even after the impact of a sudden fever. She's even updating the Juilliard's admissions blog with her own posts.  
  
" _Interesting..._ " I gestured for a lack of a better word.  
  
" _I heard from Sana that Jeongyeon and the others joined the Juilliard Orchestra. We're also performing "The Ring" and attending the opera festival in San Francisco this March",_ Chaeyoung's smile is natural even in the downfall of a cold, " _I can't wait to show you my hometown."_  
  
This is good for Chaeyoung because with some of the Pops Orchestra members there, The Six and the other Juilliard Orchestra members can't go near her at their own leisure. I'm also happy for her because she has a chance to revisit the city that she grew up in.  
  
" _What are you writing about on your blog?"_ I ask the percussionist as she's typing away on her laptop.  
  
" _Stuff_ ", Chaeyoung simply answered, looking up at me.  
  
I raised an eyebrow, " _What kind of 'stuff'?_ "  
  
She seems flustered and nervously embarrassed, " _N-Nothing important! I swear!_ "  
  
" _Shouldn't you be resting then?_ "   
  
" _What about your health?_ " she counters, " _Are you going to be okay performing 'The Ring"? You know that it's a fifteen-hour opera, right?"_  
  
Dammit. Chaeyoung makes a really good point. I barely got through today's rehearsals and we were only running through the beginning of Part One:  _The Rhinegold_. I felt that my lips were going to fall off from holding that low E-flat for four minutes, added to the fact that Maestro Gilbert would rerun through the phrase  _several_ times. It's a wonder how I managed to slog back to the dormitories without a hitch. The opening drone doesn't leave any room for bassoonists to take in a proper breath and fill their lungs properly. I was constantly fighting for air even after rehearsals.   
  
This occurs during the first four minutes of a fifteen-hour opera. Now I can envision my freaking lungs climbing Mount Everest.  
  
" _Don't forget to wear your hearing protection_ ", Chaeyoung reminds me with a motherly grin, " _You're sitting in front of trombones the whole time._ "  
  
Right. That too.  
  
_*Knock Knock*_  
  
Intuitively, I got to my feet and scrambled towards the door, assuming that it was Chaekyung and Sana. But alas, they were two different figures — both in uniform, one man with lithe muscle under his suit and one man with the overhead lights reflected in his large sunglasses.  
  
My voice comes out wobbly, "W-Who is it?"  
  
"We're the NYPD", the guy with the sunglasses says, "Are you Mina Myoui?"  
  
NYPD. The only possible solution to that acronym is these two men from the New York Police Department. It's never good news when two police officers arrive at your door minutes before midnight, and it's even worse when they know your name and politely request to come inside. I took a deep, shaky breath before opening the door, struggling to keep my composure when all I see is their dark blue uniform, shiny shoes, and badges screaming "authority". Chaeyoung immediately shuts her laptop down when the attentive eyes of the officers scan the perimeters of my room.   
  
"Is it okay if we take you to the police department at this time?" the toned officer asks, "You're not in trouble. We just need to talk to you."

* * *

**BONUS (Blog Entry Number Eleven)** **  
**

**JUILLIARD ADMISSIONS BLOG**

**Performing Opportunities with The Pops Orchestra!**  
Written by: Son Chaeyoung — Second Year, Percussion Major

Before I came to Juilliard, I heard so many rumors about the community there. Many of them were true. All of the students are amazing and talented and competitive. But what I didn't notice at first glance were those who help create a community and genuinely care of the well-being of others. The friendly community that I've experienced were fostered by the members of the Pops Orchestra — Juilliard's newest ensemble made for the intention of bringing happiness to music lovers of all generations, all different genres together and inspiring others. That was Jeongyeon's philosophy and it resonated with all of the other Pops Orchestra members as well. Half of the members don't even come from the instrumental division. SinB and Bambam are dance majors, Yuju and Dawon are voice majors, Sohye and Saeron are drama majors — plus many more!   
  
The Pops Orchestra also offers a ton of outreach programs, from teaching to performing. All ninety members have performed all over places in New York City such a nursing homes, hospitals, and shelters. Often times after performances, we would stay to converse with the audience members. They give us all kinds of stories, such as how they got into a favorite song, or about how they also have a child that plays an instrument.   
  
Three days after we returned from Paris, Mina and I performed pieces from the musical _The King and I_ at a retirement village. An elderly woman came up to us crying because she hadn't been able to enjoy music after gradually losing her hearing. She told Mina, who translated to me afterwards, that our music gave her hope and it touched our hearts. Mina bursted into tears as we were on the train leaving the premises. Even though we were only there for a couple of hours, it truly represents the Pops Orchestra's motto of spreading happiness to others. When I learn that I'm making a difference in somebody's life, it becomes a reminder of why I continue to pursue music despite my deafness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow. Can you guys imagine rehearsing a fifteen-hour opera? I can't even survive a three-hour K-pop concert (The feels, man...) and I've been to four concerts in my life (B.A.P. Live On Earth Pacific Tour in San Francisco, KCON 2013, KCON 2014, and KCON 2016). Luckily, the troupe will be performing one act each day to keep the musicians sane, meaning that the Opera Festival/San Francisco story arc will span over four performance days plus the other days where there are rehearsals and the characters doing other stuff in SF (Also, Mina's birthday!). It's still too early to get into the SF arc because it takes place at the end of March/beginning of April. 
> 
> Speaking of SF, the "Sana and Chaeyoung with the Youth Orchestra" bonuses will continue once we reach the Opera Festival/San Francisco story arc. For now, I'm focusing on giving out a fresh start to the second arc as well as revisiting some highlights that were left behind in the last portions of Arc One (Mina and her parents, Sana becoming famous, etc.) Were you guys surprised to hear that Mina's friends joined the Juilliard Orchestra? Did the ending shock you? Let me know in the comment section below ^_^


	22. empfindung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and I'll give you a synopsis of this chapter. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_empfindung_  
Origin: German  
Feeling

 

** **

**The Fifth Measure**

Wednesday: January 13, 2021  
  
The interrogation room is small and square, with a cracked window causing the smell of New York City's infamous sewage system to sweep in and impair my lungs. The walls are cream-colored and bare, corners of the room curling inwards like cheap 70's wallpaper. Inside the room are the two police officers that drove me here, Mrs. Chan from Juilliard's Mental Health services, and a detective. Mrs. Chan pulled out a plastic chair and motioned me to sit next to her. The detective, a sturdy African-American man who went by the name of Mr. Howell, sat in front of me.  
  
"Do you have flashbacks of your childhood from time to time?" was his first question.  
  
"Mhm", I nodded slowly, "Maybe even more times than I'd desire."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
While hugging my knees in my chair, I went into detail about my accounts of being pulled out of bed just to practice for nine or ten hours a day, and how the slightest slip-ups met with verbal and physical abuse. I talked about having nightmares of being beaten with a stick, and if the stick snapped — my father's belt. Bruises became my best friend since I was six years-old, yet all the public would see is a lionized child prodigy.  
  
And this is all before the force-feeding of spinach.  
  
"So the beatings have been apparent since you were a kid?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Mr. Howell takes note of my autobiography and he moves on to his next question, "Did your parents give you medical or emotional attention?"  
  
I shook my head. My cheeks were blanched from the cold and my eyes partially obscured with red hair. The strands masked my nervousness. Ms. Chan held my hand and squeezed it tightly, in the way that most mothers do when they're trying to protect their child.  
  
"Must explain the growth of your acoustic neuroma..." Mr. Howell murmured.  _Oh, how right he is._  
  
"I grew up in a traditional Asian household so you and I have a couple of parallels", Ms. Chan adds, speaking softly to me and Mr. Howell, "People who believe that "sparing the rod spoils the child" dismiss the tremendous body of research showing that hitting children damages their parental relationship. The more physical punishment that the child receives, the more likely they are to suffer from mental health problems."  
  
"Correct. And Mina, you know..." Mr. Howell leaned forward, "I am not a supporter of corporal punishment."

His words were assuring to say the least.  
  
Two hours of questioning have gone by and my drowsiness was starting to become quite apparent. I had the impression of somebody trying to gaze into my eyes and I couldn't keep focus. My surroundings became a low resolution, pirated movie.  
  
"Mina", a tap on my shoulder from Ms. Chan momentarily brought me back to the outside world.  
  
"My apologies. I've kept you here long enough", Mr. Howell concluded, "I'll have those two officers drive you back to Juilliard so you don't have to worry about catching the next train. In the meantime, my team and I are going to work hard to uncover as much backstory about your parents." 

* * *

**The Sixth Measure**

I'm spent and weary, considering that I stayed at the police department past midnight and only managed to sneak in four hours of sleep after the interrogation. Past recollections of my parents disrupted my slumber, ranging from days where my mom would whip me for missing a note or times where my former private instructors cursed at me. Chaekyung even commented on the fact that I was utilizing words of dread while my eyes were closed. Presumably, Sana seemed irritated as she was combing her jet black hair in front of the mirror that held my self-affirmation post-its. I haven't updated on those posts since the day I left for Paris. I didn't see a reason to as I regained grit after venting on my mom and dad.  
  
Well. At least I have _some_ grit for now.  
  
" _Sana told me that she quit both of her jobs_ ", I told Chaeyoung over lunch break at our Juilliard's Disability Resources Center job.  
  
" _She told me that too_ ", Chaeyoung gesticulates before nipping on her sausage sandwich, "Sana needed more time to focus on her work."  
  
" _What kind of 'work'?_ "  
  
The smaller girl lays her sandwich down, wiping off the excess sauce from her face with a napkin, " _Apparently not too long ago, the president invited her, as well as a couple of other horn players and musicians, to perform at the presidential inauguration taking place on the 22nd of January."_  
  
I gagged on a gulp of soy milk, " _You're kidding? Sana has been invited to play for the freaking president of the United States?"_  
  
" _Yup_ ", Chaeyoung nods, " _On live television._ "  
  
I could imagine how troublesome it must be to give a good first impression to one of the most important political figures in the world, and not to mention on live television too. Since we returned from Paris two weeks ago, Sana has been disappearing from our room sunrise to sundown, only to disappear _again_ and retreat to one of the residence hall's practice rooms until past midnight.    
  
Chaeyoung glances up at me from her meal, " _Don't take it personally if she's acting irritable. She's under a lot of pressure to perform well, not to mention that one of the other horn players, who is also invited to the ceremony, is her father's friend and a musician within 'The President's Own'."_  
  
She's right again. I think that I need to be a little more understanding of Sana's situation. I know what it feels like to be bombarded with a flurry of important events after emerging into fame. It isn't easy nor comfortable to say the least, especially if it's a reminder of one's traumatic past. Sana's father died being in the U.S. military. It's a human thing to be stressed, and it can be a human thing to be a little bit crabby in these circumstances.  
  
For now, I'll just give her some space. If she corrects me during class again, I'll brush it off as if nothing happened.  
  
Three hours in and nobody showed up to our office. Chaeyoung is absorbed in reading a book on world music, so I take the opportunity to get some work done, whether that'd be doing homework or making new reeds for the next few rehearsals. I chose to do the latter.  
  
Chaeyoung's wheely office chair whisks to my direction, " _Mina, what are you doing?_ "  
  
" _I'm making_... uhh..." I drop my tools.  _Crap. What's the signing for the word 'reed'? Is there even a signing for it?_  
  
" _Is that the thing you put in your mouth?_ "  
  
" _It's the piece of cane that I blow on_ ", I put simply.  
  
"Heh. _Mina blowing on wood_ ", Chaeyoung snickers like an immature middle-schooler. Heck, one might even mistaken her for one given her looks.  
  
I realize what she is suggesting and my face blanches, _"It's cane, not wood!"_

 _Goddammit, Chaeyoung. Get your mind out of the gutter._  
  
Chaeyoung throws her head back in full-blown laughter, that it draws office aide Momo Hirai from the room adjacent to us: The Office of Admissions. In moments, the smaller girl's laugh intensified like a sprinkler arching into the brilliant sky, soaking every crevice around her with unbridled gales that sapped her into a thigh-slapping and pick-faced picture of glee.  
  
"What the heck is going on in here?" Momo inquires with a tilted gaze.  
  
"Chaeyoung..." I was about to explain when my eyes perceive something missing, "Oh shit. I need more thread."   
  
"Why can't you just buy reeds instead of making them?" the violinist sputtered and I rolled my eyes, "Saves you time, right?"  
  
"Buying someone else's reeds is like wearing someone else's underwear. It _doesn't work_ ", I analogized before hunching over my domain of reed-making machinery and vagrant bamboo scrappings. "Also, everyone has different preferences when it comes to things like this."  
  
"The only time I'd ever use my mouth is for eating and drinking", Momo jests.  
  
"You shouldn't be talking then."  
  
"I take that back", her shoulders sagged.  
  
"Great. Now I lost track..." I murmured, gaping at a naked piece of cane, "Oh, right! More thread. I'll have to go to my house later."  
  
Momo's arms fling in the air, "Yay! We're going to Mina's house!"  
  
"I didn't say—" my mouth freezes when the violinist lets out a pout and Chaeyoung stares at me as if she could read my mind, "Alright, fine! I'll bring you and Chaeyoung to my house after rehearsals. Just promise me that you won't touch _anything_ while we're there."  
  
"I promise!" Momo does that cute gesture again, imitating that one character from _Love Live!_ (Don't ask me. Chaeyoung would probably know.)

* * *

**The Seventh Measure**

An hour after ensemble rehearsals, sectionals were held to determine where each member would perform in each of the four acts. The instrumentation calls for three bassoons throughout all four acts, therefore I would be given the task of splitting up Mingyu, Joshua, Vernon, and Jun. I don't have a co-section leader to work with, so I have to carry the harrowing responsibility of performing in all four acts of the Ring Cycle.    
  
"So I'll take Mingyu and Jun for _The Rhinegold_ (Act One) and _Siegfried_ (Act Three), then Joshua and Vernon for _The Valkyrie_  (Act Two) and _Twilight of the Gods_ (Act Four)", I read off a page of notes that Mingyu voluntarily drafted on during our conversation, "Any objections?"  
  
In the middle of my speech, Jun leans over to Vernon's ear, "I heard that Sana bitched out at her section mates. That's unlike her."   
  
"Jimin told me that she's becoming even stricter than Yoona during her sectionals", Vernon adds.  
  
"Can the two of you focus on _our_ sectionals, please?" I appeal, attemping to keep my cool.  
  
"Mina, you're friends with Sana. Do you know what happened to her?" Joshua asks innocently.  
  
"That's none of your business", I rebuffed while massaging the nape of my neck, which is probably afflicted by bassoon strap hickeys, "I am not, nor will I ever, give away details about what's going on in Sana's private life. Just leave the poor girl alone. She has a lot on her plate already."  
  
Mingyu turns to me, "Speaking of having a lot of things on one's plate, are you going to be okay performing all four acts?"  
  
"What do you mean?" I knitted my brow.  
  
"You have an acoustic neuro—" Joshua blurts haphazardly before Mingyu sways over to cover his mouth.  
  
"I'm— WHO TOLD YOU?" I think I've lost my cool and it shows when Joshua hides behind his bassoon. _What the fuck? I never spilled this to them._  
  
"Nobody had to tell us", Jun crosses his arms, folding his right leg over his left leg to get comfortable, "It's all over the news."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Joshua fishes out his phone from his backpack and pulls out a lengthy article from the internet, scrolling down to the apex of this editorial:

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_The New York Times_ **

Is This What The Downfall of a Musician Looks Like?  
**By Dan Preston —** December 29, 2020  
  
...presidency in 2016. One contestant from the Eastman School of Music reported that his peers were clinking beer bottles at Mina's loss.

On the side, there is Mina and her parents.Various media outlets have caught the New York Philharmonic musicians and parents pulverizing their prodigious child in front of the French masses. Mina has cried out saying drastic things such as, "You treat me as if I'm your living doll; a slave", and, "You've driven me to exhaustion and made me develop not only an acoustic neuroma, but a deep-rooted anxiety disorder due to your perfectionistic tendencies. You never put your child's well-being to mind. Because of your negligence, I’m now losing my hearing."  
  
Official footage of this incident has been released from Major French outlet, _France24._  The video has angered viewers, specifically parents, both on a national and an international scale. They are demanding and pressuring Alan Gilbert, the director of the New York Philharmonic and the Juilliard Orchestra, to terminate the parents' contracts with the New York Philharmonic.  

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

After reading the headliner, it clicks in my brain that is the same damn article I read two weeks ago. I didn't get to finish it because Jeongyeon seized my laptop in an attempt to end my self-demeriting. In addition, I'm not a subscriber to the _New York Times._  
  
"It's okay, Mina. We have your back", Mingyu assures by patting my shoulder, "Right guys?"  
  
"Yeah!" Joshua complies. The other two boys don't spare a word.

* * *

**The Eighth Measure**

"Excuse me, sir. I think that it's necessary to hold a section leader meeting", Kai requests.  
  
Maestro Gilbert agreed, "You're absolutely right. I'll leave it to you then."  
  
There goes my plans of going home early.   
  
Unlike the last few section leader meetings that were held, the Juilliard staff provided a larger, newly-renovated conference room for practice space and meetings, much to everybody's satisfication because the room was widespread and there was enough open territory to roam around. We weren't able to use the Harris and Tony Woolfson Orchestral Studio because it was being occupied by the Juilliard Wind Orchestra, so having this newer conference room was a big relief to Kai, who will be facilitating today's section leader meeting.  
  
"For the three sections that have two principal players..." Kai begins the session, bringing up the first order of business while getting his papers in order, "Have you decided which person will perform in each of the four acts? I'll begin with the timpanists, then the clarinets, then the horns."  
  
It was confirmed that Jeongyeon and Jennie will perform for Act Two and Act Four, whereas Rocky and Shori will perform for Act One and Act Three. With that discussion out of the way, it leaves the two principal horns — Sana and Chaekyung — to dispute amongst themselves.  
  
"So you want Sana to perform in the first two acts, then Chaekyung for the last two acts?" Kai asks in a hesitant voice.  
  
"That's what we've decided during sectionals", Chaekyung adheres matter-of-factly, "I just didn't want to overwhelm Sana with too much work."  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea", JB, section leader of the trumpets, creases his brow at the sheet of sectionals notes that Sana handed to him.  
  
"Explain", Chaekyung says doubtfully.  
  
"Sana's style of playing is more suitable for the horn parts in _Siegfred_ and _Twilight of the Gods_ ", JB elaborates, "We need someone with a bigger, more intense sound and I don't think that you're capable of achieving that kind of caliber that Sana has already established."  
  
"So you're saying that Sana should perform in the last two acts?" Jihyo inquires.  
  
"We're saving the best for last", I hear JB whisper over to her.  
  
"It would be a waste not to use Sana's power", Rocky points out.  
  
"I also agree with them", Yuzuna submits, which astounds me because she used to _hate_ Sana.  
  
"Me too", Jennie acquiesced while sharpening her pencil, "My parents are subscribers of The Metropolitan Opera, and from my experience watching operas since I was five, everyone seems to discard the exposition and only care about how things end. Looking at the full score to the Ring Cycle, the ending has the most impact one's opinion of the entire production. We need something memorable."   
  
"You guys aren't calling Chaekyung forgettable, are you?" Shuuka asks worringly.  
  
"Let's be real", JB restates, arching over the remains of his pencil sharpenings, "Chaekyung has been gone for six months. She's still a bit rusty."  
  
The oboist tries to counter, "I know, but still. Aren't we putting too much pressure on Sana?"  
  
"That's exactly what I'm trying to convey", Chaekyung frets.  
  
"I can do the last two acts", Sana finally steps in after keeping to herself for so long.  
  
Chaekyung mumbled, "I don't want—"  
  
"This is frustrating. I'd like if we could finish this dispute quickly", Sana said in a distressed tone, exhaling peevishly while tucking her skirt under her thighs.  
  
"Fine", Chaekyung swore, looking down on herself, "I guess JB does have a point. I need to brush up on my playing."  
  
Another weak smile graced Chaekyung's soft facial features before returning to an unreadable expression. Sana, who was sitting across from me, moaned. She was starting to get tired of all this extraneous, undesirable drama that JB and the other section leaders had stirred up. If JB hadn't put Sana and Chaekyung into this mess of mulling over important horn parts, everything would've gone swell. I'm not going to berate Sana for being this irritated, mainly because I've been in the same position as her many times in the past.   
  
"Mina, you've been awfully quiet during this meeting", Kai pinpoints, "What is your stance on Sana and Chaekyung's situation?"  
  
I put my mechanical pencil down and sighed, gladly excusing myself out, "I agree with Sana. We need to move on to other matters."  
  
"Thank you, Mina", Sana's voice lowered. Just hearing those words from her alleviated my jitters.

* * *

**The Ninth Measure**

The trek to my house was anything but peaceful. Momo talks endlessly like a blubbering, drunk business man at a ramen shop. It's even more disconcerting when she does this in the NYC Metro, where the golden rule of staying quiet in train cars doesn't exist to the vigorous violinist.  
  
"What is Wagner's Ring Cycle even about?" Momo begins as we're riding the Number Two train to Tribeca, where my house is.  
  
"The plot is pretty similar to _Lord of the Rings_ ", I answered half-assedly, not wanting to go into detail about the storyline. Chaeyoung could probably do a better job at giving her an eloquent synopsis, but her voice isn't loud enough to protrude through the clanking train wheels.  
  
" _Lord of the Rings_? I fell asleep throughout the entire movie."  
  
I corrected her, "There are six movies, including _The Hobbit_ installments."  
  
"That's even worse!" Momo exclaims and the other cranky train passengers enforce her to shut up.  
  
We dismounted off the train and into the Chambers Street station. I gestured to Chaeyoung to explain _The Ring_ to an operatically-dense Momo and she did not hesitate to comply. In fact, Chaeyoung was enthusiastic in giving a full-fledged, informative compendium as if she were a walking encyclopedia. It's scary how much knowledge this tiny girl could store in her head. Her brain is comparable to that of a terabyte memory card.  
  
"So there's this ring and whoever wears it gets to rule the world?" Momo condenses the most basic aspect of the plot.  
  
"Yes, and become well-known", I said while looking down at the cobblestone streets of Tribeca. It's been a while since I last visited my house so a nostalgic feeling kicked in. Tribeca is one of Manhattan's most fashionable and trendy neighborhoods, well known for its celebrity residents, upscale shopping areas, and exquisite dining options. Moreover, affirmed by the NYPD, Tribeca is the safest neighborhood in New York City.  
  
"That's awesome! I can eat as much _jokbal_ as I want!" the violinist's eyes dart skywards, historic warehouse buildings looming over us like the tall giants, Fasolt and Fafner.   
  
"You'd think that it'd be a cool thing to have that much recognition, but everything comes with a price", I mutter, "The bearer of the ring will also be subjected to eternal anxiety and melancholy. And it's more likely that someone greedier will attempt to kill you for the ring."  
  
I say this as images of my childhood and Sana's current situation invade my thought process.  _Fuck. What is this?_  
  
"Of course you would live in a nice-ass house", Momo instigates, bringing my pensive mind back to real time.  
  
She's right; it is a nice house, a penthouse atop the premier condominium of Terrace High Line Residences to be exact. It's not a mansion but at least it's a fairly cheap living scope for an upper-middle class family like mine.  
  
The palatial space is complete with a scrupulously-designed living room, beautifully stretching walls of glass, dramatically high ceilings, a soundproof practice room, and other top-of-the-line furnishings that highpoint a privileged NYC lifestyle. The opulent building sits right in front of Teardrop Park, east of River Terrace and west of North End Avenue. Chaeyoung inherently runs up to a twitching lenses in the corner of the dining area, observing its movements. Momo wanders elsewhere, allegedly to the private rooftop oasis or the kitchen with Poliform Varenna appliances.  
  
" _You have CCTV cameras installed all over your house? In the safest neighborhood in Manhattan?_ " Chaeyoung asks incredulously.  
  
" _Those cameras are mainly there for my parents — to ensure that I don't do anything stupid._ "  
  
The percussionist's eyes roam around the house, picking out each door that leads to a specific room, " _Where are your parents anyways?_ "   
  
" _Being questioned by the police_ ", I come into eye contact with her, " _They won't be coming home for a couple of days."_  
  
" _I figured_ ", Chaeyoung decides to switch to a different topic before the air becomes strained and awkward, " _What are we doing here again?_ "  
  
" _I'm getting supplies to make more reeds._ "  
  
" _Where do you get them?_ "  
  
" _In my bedroom_ ", I answer before bounding down the alabaster-laminated hallways, motioning the younger girl to follow me, " _Come with?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung squeals like a twelve year-old fangirl, " _Boy do I!_ "  
  
I've never revealed my bedroom to anybody except my parents, not even Sana nor The Six; Chaeyoung is the first friend to witness the interiors in person. It's large and fancy, yet not very festive. My mom would kill me had I tacked on a single K-pop poster next to my bed. I never had a stuffed animal or that one doll every girl desired when they were little; musical instruments replaced toys and became my source of entertainment.  
  
" _You have a grand piano in your bedroom?_ " I'm not surprised that the piano would be the first thing that the percussionist points out.  
  
I shrugged, " _It's pretty run-of-the-mill. It's not a Steinway & Sons or anything._"  
  
" _Run-of-the-mill my ass. I don't even have a piano at home_ ", she comments, then seating herself on the seat on a whim — a very Chaeyoung thing to do.

_"You'd never understand how I feel, Mina. I don't have a piano at home like you do!"_

What the heck? Another flashback? And the problem is, I can't seem to remember where those words came from. Pictures sprout in my head like unclear, hazy photographs that haven't been developed properly in the dark room. All I see are shadows in a black and white landscape.  
  
A discordant knock hits my ear and brings me back to reality. I look over and Chaeyoung is puzzled at my reaction.  
  
" _You do know that the piano hasn't been tuned in years, right?_ " I mention before she begins playing. Chaeyoung wouldn't be able to tell by herself.  
  
"Oh", Chaeyoung lifts her fingers, " _That's right. You've been living at the Juilliard dorms since your freshman year._ "  
  
" _I did it to get away from my parents."_ , I deadpan.  
  
But she doesn't take this jaded statement to mind, immediately whipping up a new idea to brighten the mood — another very Chaeyoung thing to do, " _Say, since we didn't have dinner, we should cook together. I don't have a cold anymore so I promise that I'm sanitary."_  
  
I chuckled, " _Great idea if you want to see me set the whole building on fire_."  
  
And if Sana were here and in a sprightly mood, she'd elaborate on the happenings of our fifth grade home economics class, such as the time where I popped garlic bread into the oven under the broiler and promptly forgot all about it. There were about thirty-something kids and smoke swept up the entire classroom and into the halls. The entire school and the adjacent residences were forced to evacuate the premises until a safety call was given. I never touched an oven or any other kitchen utenstil since then.  
  
Now I'm twenty years-old and never cooked anything more difficult than cereal. Maybe I could retaliate by expounding on Sana's "cookie crisis" where she added salt instead of sugar, but it doesn't change the fact that I was a fingerbreadth close to burning my classroom into ashes.  
  
_"You've never cooked before?"  
  
"The housemaids do the cooking for us."_  
  
Chaeyoung's eyes rolled, " _Of course you'd have housemaids. Then what do you eat?_ "  
  
" _I don't know? Take-out? Or I just eat out at restaurants_ ", I mentioned nonchalantly, " _Sometimes, I forget to eat._ "  
  
" _Mina, you're an adult. It's time for you to gain some skills_ ", her facial expression reads of disapproval, but I'm finding it hilarious how a motherly character is coming out of a percussionist trapped inside the body of a twelve year-old.  
  
We get to the very basics of cooking, which is enhancing instant ramen like Chaeyoung did a few months ago with her "wacky-soba" or whatever. I've never felt so embarrassed, having to learn the most primitive tasks such as how to crack an egg, boil water, hold a chef's knife (not a reed knife), measure ingredients — you name it. A ten year-old would have knowledge on how to do these things.   
  
The most wonderful thing about cooking with Chaeyoung is the peaceful environment that encompasses us. The two of us are limited to show, not tell because Chaeyoung is deaf. Hand gestures don't cut it because we're constantly gripping cooking utensils. At one point, Chaeyoung guides my knife-wielding hand with her own while peeping her head over my shoulder, tip-toeing behind me.  
  
"When you make music, you have to learn how to touch the instruments. Fingering, embouchure, tonguing, stopping, scales, arpeggios, rudiments, etc. — and create harmony,” Chaeyoung whispers delicately in my ear as I'm chopping some green onions, her hand still maneuvering mine, “In cooking, it’s just as much craftsmanship as making music. Sautéing, curing, frying, grilling, poaching, seasoning, cutting — you learn different techniques that allow the components to mend together and bring harmony to your tastebuds.”  
  
It's a rare opportunity to hear Chaeyoung compose a paragraph with her own voice. But between the azul grey limestone floors, the brilliant kitchen lights, the warmth of Chaeyoung's body in that white drop-shoulder sweater, and outward cooking noises resonating from pots and pans were comforting, heartfelt words that put my mind in a safe refuge from the atrocious events that are whirring in my life.   
  
The end result is satisfying and rewarding. The noodles are firm, the homemade chicken and vegetable broth is hearty, the eggs are billowy, the the green onions add a bit of crunch, and the pork slices just melt in my mouth like butter.  
   
Chaeyoung and I are now curled up in the couch of my living room, slurping our noodles while binge-watching _Heartstrings_  (with subtitles), that one Korean Drama with Park Shinhye and Jung Yonghwa. I've watched the first array of episodes on the flight heading home from Paris, so it was only necessary to watch the last few. The main reason why I picked up this drama was because music was one of the main themes. Or so I thought.  
  
" _That has to be the most cringe-worthy kissing scene I've ever seen_ ", I griped to the percussionist, whose small figure was sinking into the couch.  
  
" _The fuck do **you** know about kissing?_ " Chaeyoung challenged, being quite defensive.  
  
" _I've been playing wind instruments for a long time._ _My lips are sturdy_ ", I jested.  
  
Chaeyoung sat up, " _Show, not tell._ "  
  
" _What?_ "  
  
" _Show me what those bassoon-playing lips are made of."_  
  
I was completely unprepared; I didn't expect our conversation to drive onto this course. You would think that after all the days I'd spent with Chaeyoung — watching her smile, laugh, frown, and play so flawlessly — that I would muster up all the confidence to kiss her on the lips, for the second time. Chaeyoung's eyes watch me deeply, possibly laughing at my ineptitude. _Goddammit, Mina. Five seconds won't hurt._  
  
Stealing my nerves, I shut my eyes and advanced towards Chaeyoung, aiming closer, _closer_ , **_closer_** , and—  
  
"Hey, you guys! I'm ba— WHAT THE FUCK?" Momo yelps, followed by the shattering of glass. _I totally forgot that this chick was in my house._  
  
"Holy shit!" I shouted, pulling away after only having been a few inches away from Chaeyoung's face, "That's my dad's wine you just dropped!"  
  
And it's not just any wine; it's the type of premium wine that gets shipped out from the historic, rapturous vineyards of Napa Valley. My dad cherishes his fanciful, alcoholic drinks. If he sees this bottle missing from wherever-the-heck, I'm going to be mauled like a lion's prey.  
  
"Your dad has a hundred more bottles in the attic!" she claims.  
  
"My house doesn't have a attic!"  
  
"Yes it does!"  
  
I give up. I'm starting to think that Momo is drunk and perceiving things that I can't. Hopefully, she didn't catch my failed attempt at a kiss.  
  
Eventually, Jeongyeon drove by to pick up her girlfriend from my home. It took nearly thirty minutes for the work-drained timpanist to figure out where my residence was located amongst _hundreds_ of other residencies in this condominium, only for me to trudge down to the thirtieth floor and drag her to the uppermost floor of the building. That left me and Chaeyoung to spend the rest of the night to ourselves.   
  
I wiped the sweat off my forehead before turning to the girl sitting next to me, " _Do you still want a kiss?_ "  
  
" _I-I'm fine... Thanks_ ", Chaeyoung panted, stealing a breath of cold air lingering in the living room's ambience.   
  
" _What happened to your confidence, master chef?_ " I teased.  
  
" _I just detected vaseline on your lips_ ", she grimaced.  
  
" _Hey! You take care of your marimba sticks, I take care of my lips!_ "  
  
" _They're called **mallets**! M-A-L-L-E-T-S._ "  
  
The two of us returned to watching our primetime drama, sharing comments regarding the episode while munching on the confections that Chaeyoung made. Within a matter of time, the baker/master chef between us conked out in the middle of our film, leaving stray cookie crumbs on the mattress. At the end of the episode, I turned off the TV, dimmed the lights, and took the medications that Dr. McIntosh administered to me. Despite the loss of hearing in my right ear, I slipped on a pair of earbuds to listen to Lang Lang's interpretation of Liszt's [_Libestraum_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FqugGjOkQE) (Love Dream) on Spotify, letting the slow music drift my mind into sweet dreams.

* * *

**The Tenth Measure**

Thursday: January 14, 2021  
  
The metro was closed and Chaeyoung winded up staying at my place for the night.  
  
Thursday morning began with Spanish omelettes contrived by none other than Chaeyoung herself. Potatoes, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, and carrots grazed a plate of egg and of course, the jaunty percussionist had to run down to the local farmer's market to rack up those ingredients.  
  
In the afternoon, I shifted to my work desk to make more reeds for the next batch of Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals. Well, I've managed to make a couple of new reeds, all before Chaeyoung was getting bored with her video games and she began propping her chin on my shoulder to portray how bored she was.   
  
I don't know why and how, but the two of us gravitated towards the Yamaha grand piano in my soundproof practice room. The walls were impatented with red velvet and the floors were embed with mahogany wood. There was a large window with gold curtains that can be opened or closed, and it allowed an unobstructed view of the city and Teardrop Park below, making us look like giants standing above everything.   
  
Tchaikovsky's [ _Sleeping Beauty Waltz for Piano Four Hands_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EEA6e687Nc).  
  
Chaeyoung sits on the right-hand side of the piano bench and I instinctively scooch over to the keys representing the lower octaves of the piano. The bass clef has become my friend ever since I took up the bassoon. There's something nice and assuaging about being the bottom hand. Dr. Cseszneky told me that in baseball, the batsman's bottom hand is the most dominant hand, providing the most power to a shot.  
  
Chaeyoung's lofty fingers ride off my bass accompaniment and her body swayed with the music. I closed my eyes and submerged myself in her music, listening to the percussionist's harmonious sounds trickling within my eardrum. My frantic mind and erratic breathing begins to calm down when Chaeyoung's gentle notes floated in the chilly evening air. She runs up scales as if she were skipping lightly up a row of stairs, making herself chase after my back like cat and mouse. In turn, I also envision myself running up that same flight of stairs and chasing Chaeyoung herself.  
  
In a waltz, a couple turns elegantly around and around as they progress around the dance floor in perpetual circles. The melody of Tchaikovsky's composition fluctuates from the bass line to the treble line. I see myself in Chaeyoung as Nayeon and the others see her in me. We're both holding ourselves back while simultaneously taking the lead and guiding one another, and the music tastes just as good as the meal we conjured up last night. I wonder how tasty that kiss would be if Momo didn't cockblock our moment.  
  
My heart felt warm and my mind felt appeased; nothing volatile can cross my senses, not even a bout of tinnitus.   
  
Chaeyoung stretches her arms at the end of the piece, " _You play beautifully._ "   
  
"Thank y—" I paused as her lips curled into a smile, " _Hey! You're deaf!_ "   
  
" _Yeah, but I watched your fingers graze over piano keys_ ", she cackled.  
  
" _That's kind of creepy._ "  
  
" _Okay, but in all seriousness..._ " Chaeyoung points to the tiny buds attached to her ear canals. Amazing. She has a new set of hearing aids. " _Not a miracle cure. It's not enough for me to decipher human words, but at least I can listen to music to some degree. That's how I played off you."_  
  
I smiled, " _That's awesome._ "  
  
" _Do you wanna play another piece?_ " Chaeyoung asked.  
  
_*Bing*_  
  
" _Wait, I just got a text_ ", I paused, reaching for my phone in the pocket of my silk robe.

**[Noriko Myoui]: Mina, are you home? Your Uncle Joichiro tried to contact you last night.**

_Grandma?_

**[Noriko Myoui]: Your mother and father were arrested again for dealing with dangerous alcohol and driving under the influence.**

_Is that what the attic was about?_

**[Noriko Myoui]: Mr. Howell called me to tell you that he wants to see you again.**

" _Mina, where are you going?_ " Chaeyoung inquired with a startled face.  
  
" _I'm going to deal with my parents_ ", I said, excusing myself from my practice room and heading to my room to put on a change of clothes.

* * *

**BONUS (Reina Washio)**  
  
Monday: September 19, 2005  
  
There had been a time when Mina had not become so pessimistic yet: a time before the cruelties of the prodigious life began to kick in, and a time before her parents realized what they can make out of her true potential. The only problem was that Mina couldn't make friends when she was in elementary school. The other kids sought her as an alien from a different planet just because her musical skills excelled well above them. She was already playing advanced repetoire on the alto recorder, whereas her peers were struggling with _Hot Cross Buns_  and _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ on the soprano recorder. Mina had a stacked deck on musical excellence from birth, and the other kids hated her for it.   
  
And those weren't the only things Mina was good at.  
  
"I hope you all practiced efficiently last night because I'm going to evaluate your progress so far", Mr. Schaeffer, a famous pianist who taught lessons to younger children within Tribeca, entered the room with music scores tucked under his arm, "Now who's first?"  
  
Five year-old Mina Myoui eagerly raised her hand, excited about showing her piano teacher about her improvement.  
  
"Okay, sweetie", Mr. Schaeffer nodded, gesturing her to come up to the piano, "Beethoven's _[Piano Sonata No. 28](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn2CbJls2_A) _ it is."  
  
His student aide offered to lead the excitable girl to the front, leading her in front of the piano as she affixed herself on the bench. The young girl readied her fingers at the piano, taking in a deep breath before playing her assigned piece. The other students watched as Mina's graceful fingers slowly moved up and down the black and white keys of the grand piano. The piece was relatively calm yet fanciful enough for Mina, the youngest kid enrolled in Mr. Schaeffer's advanced piano class, to show off her prodigious skill.   
  
"Beautiful. Now I'd like to see Reina try this piece", Mr Schaeffer ordered, pointing at the piano.  
  
Back then, Reina Washio was just another average kid in the class, only a few months older than Mina. Unlike Mina, however, Reina's parents held blue-collar jobs and lived in one of New York City's public housing projects since. Performing at gigs doesn't help pay off the rent and the other expenses that goes to raising a child of their own. They didn't claim their jobs at the Philharmonic until Reina was six.  
  
"Good luck, Reina!" Mina simpered while yielding an encouraging fist. Reina rolled her eyes at her cheap gestures, cracking her fingers together before placing them on the ivory keys. She played a few bars before suddenly being halted by her teacher.  
  
"Reina, no. That's wrong", Mr. Schaeffer shook his head, "The tempo of this movement is in 6/8 time. Why are you playing so fast?"  
  
"What do you mean?" she sulked.  
  
"When Beethoven wrote this sonata, he wanted the tempo marking for the opening movement to be in _Etwas Lebhaft und mit innigsten Empfindung_. Or in translation, he wanted it rather lively but with the warmest feeling. He had no intention of making the harmony some kind of virtuosic rhapsody. Try to play with feeling, just like what Mina did."  
  
_Just like what Mina did._

* * *

Wednesday: September 20, 2006 — One Year Later  
  
Parent-teacher conferences were held throughout the school day. Reina's parents were also accepted as members of the New York Philharmonic.  
  
Reina and Yuzuna's classroom was located right next to Mina's and from there, she overheard the whole conversation Mina's teacher was having with her parents. Mina's father gave off the aura of a serious Japanese businessman. Her mom, on the other hand, was a petite woman who wore an attire fit for a company manager. Reina mistakened her as the Myoui's family lawyer at first.  
  
"Your daughter is incredibly gifted in music, especially with wind instruments. Her skills excell far above her peers", Mrs. Jackson, Mina's first grade teacher, emphasized while reading over her previous progress reports from her music class, "I know that students can only join the band program when they're in the fourth grade, but I have faith that Mina can succeed in learning a more difficult instrument and stay up to par with the older kids. She needs a proper music teacher, and I don't think that I'm capable of holding that position."  
  
The young violinist was flaring up in resentment. Even Reina noticed that her mother's attention started to revolve around Mina. It was always Mina this, Mina that.  _Hey! Let's go buy her some more difficult music scores to practice on! Hey, she aced all of her music exams! Let's take Mina to Universal Studios for the winter break as a prize!_ Oh, and did Reina mention that they forgot to pay for her plane ticket to Orlando and that Mina’s mother had to buy Reina her own ticket, only to arrive a few days before her mother decided to take Mina to motherfucking Disney World afterwards (And Mina’s mother had to pay for Reina’s park tickets because well... Reina’s mother bought the couple package on accident). It sucked. Reina rode all the rides by herself; she didn't bother to follow her mother or her father around the park.  
  
As soon as their parent-teacher conference was finished, Reina stormed out of the premises to head towards the cafeteria, avoiding the likes of—  
  
"Washio!"  
  
Reina quickened her steps, panning through a wide array of students blocking the skimpy hallways of the main building, knocking down some of their instruments in the process. Mina wasn't far behind; she was dilligent in chasing Reina throughout the school's large campus.   
  
It wasn't long before the two girls had reached the courtyard of the school, startling some of the students who saw their interminable race. Reina got down on her knees and started to breathe heavily, sweat rolling down her forehead and onto her jeans. The younger girl shot a distraught glance at her, approaching Reina as she placed a soothing hand on top of her head.   
  
"Reina...", Mina responded with a shy smile, "I'll help you with Beethoven after school. I pro—"  
  
"I don't need your goddamn help!", Reina hollered at the younger girl, pushing her away.  
  
The distressed girl was starting to make a scene; students were helplessly surrounding the two while sharing muffled voices to each other.  
  
"You'd never understand how I feel, Mina", Reina hissed, "You're too rich."  
  
"W-What makes you think that? What does me being rich have to do with anything?" Mina's lips were frozen in terror about what could've been spewed up at the other end; her efforts were rendered useless, and she had been muzzled.  
  
Reina savagely glared at her overzealous friend, who returned the favor with a wide grin. Little did the oblivious Mina know about Reina's feelings towards her peers; let alone Mina herself.

  
"You tell me to keep trying, but you had everything handed to you. I didn't have a piano at home to practice with like you do! My parents did not teach me in music theory when I was three!" the other girl vented, "God, Mina... I hate you! I hate you for being so rich!"


	23. fortissimo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and I'll give you a synopsis of this chapter. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_fortissimo_  
Origin: Latin  
Very loudly

** **

**The Eleventh Measure**

Thursday: January 14, 2021  
  
"Me, my daughter-in law, and son will be living with Mina while she copes with all fo this", my grandma proclaimed with my Aunt Mineko and my Uncle Noboru sitting on my other side, "At least her house is a thirty-minute train ride from Juilliard. Also, her uncle can take the train with Mina to the Lincoln Center, drop her off at Juilliard, and go to his job as The Metropolitan Opera club manager."  
  
My parents didn't say anything. They didn't seem to care.  
  
"Seriously?" I hissed at them, "You don't have anything to say for yourselves?"  
  
The visiting room at the Manhattan Detention Complex represented a prison cell. A bare bulb dangled from the ceiling and the chairs that my grandmother and I are sitting on could have been hijacked from an inner-city public school.   
  
My mom and dad sat on the other side of the glass pane, their eyes as dead as lacerated fish at an Asian supermarket. Then my eyes flickered over to my grandma, who was no doubt disappointed in my father's, also her son, defamatory actions. She had a hardcopy of the recent  _New York Times_ issue quavering in her agitated hands. Grandma Myoui wasn't the type to get upset that easily and after all, she had brought up nine children, eight of whom are successful musicians and loving parents at the same time. She would always smile first, then unlike my parents who would fill any form of silence with their own preachment, she would listen even though her hearing is partially gone.  
  
"I..." my hands reached for my knees, tugging the sheer fabric of my pale stockings as I held myself back from breaking into tears, "I just don't get it. For all of these years, how could you use _my_ competition earnings to drown yourselves in alcohol?"  
  
They didn't answer me.  
  
"Mina, my dear", Aunt Mineko placed a comforting hand on my back, "What's wrong?"  
  
"The attic", I choked up, "I didn't know about the attic until my friend stumbled upon it and saw thousands of bottles of wine and beer. And I'm not just talking about any regular Vodka or Cognac; I'm talking Jack Daniel's, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo... God. I don't even want to name them all."  
  
My mom leaned forward to reach the telephone on the side of her booth, "Mina, what on earth were your friends doing at our ho—"  
  
"That's not the point!" I cut her off, knocking my chair down as I stood up, "The point is that your alcohol addiction is the cause of your abuse and my childhood being ruined. I'm scarred for life. I don't think I could ever recover from what you guys did to me for a long time."  
  
The remainder of visiting hours was incredibly incoherent. I counted the seconds in tense silence, waiting for my parents to mouth out a single word, but the only sound that seemed apparent was the ragged breathing of my grandma's, my aunt and uncle, and my own. The visiting room began to smell of stale beer and it made my nose twitch and my stomach churn. I don't want to be reminded of this scent ever again.  
  
"Excuse me folks, but visiting hours are over", a thirty-something year-old cop infringed on the reticence.  
  
"Thank you, sir", Uncle Noboru politely said, reaching a hand out for me to grab. Two other officers approached my parents and locked them in handcuffs, ushering them back to their cells or whatnot. The last thing that caught my eye was the distressed looks of my mom and dad.

Parents who use children as a trophy for their fake-perfect life should not be considered parents at all

* * *

**The Twelfth Measure**

Friday: January 15, 2021  
  
Friday is the one day where I don't have any classes, so the only thing I have to stress about is tonight's Juilliard Orchestra rehearsal. I use the free time that I have to pack up my things — clothes, bedsheets, books — everything. If my parents aren't going to pay for my housing arrangements at the residence hall anymore, then I really don't have a reason to stay here. After all, they won't be at home anymore because they're in jail.  
  
I did all of the calculations in my head: the time it takes to get from Tribeca to Juilliard is about thirty minutes. I'd have to walk through Teardrop Park on Warren Street until I reach North End Avenue and the Chambers Street Station, then I have the choice of taking the Number One or the Number Two train to Sixty-Sixth Street and Lincoln, finally from there, it's a two-minute walk to the main campus. I can manage the adjustments to my schedule as long as I wake up earlier and eat a suffcient meal on the way to the train sta—  
  
"Mina?" Chaekyung interrupts my thought process, her face slacking when she identifies my luggage, "Where are you going?"  
  
"Home", I answered in a low tone.  
  
"You're moving back to your house in Tribeca?"  
  
"For the time being", I answered while squeezing a row of undergarments into the smaller pocket of my pink suitcase, "I'm still attending Juilliard, of course. I'm just not going to live on campus anymore. Well actually, at least while my parents are in jail."  
  
"Oh right. I heard about it", Chaekyung said, "I saw your mom and dad on CNN last night. Something to do with alcohol or something."  
  
I shouldn't be surprised anymore. _Of course_ there will be news about my parents, two veteran members of the New York Philharmonic, dealing with dangerous (perhaps even illegal) alcohol and drinking under the influence. I searched up a couple of keywords on my phone. _Of course_ there'll be articles and forums about this topic. If everything is on mass media, then it'll spread through word of mouth, no two ways about it.  
  
"I'm going to be really sad about you leaving", a feeble smile plays on her face again, just like two days ago.  
  
"You have Sana, right?"  
  
Chaekyung tensed up, "I haven't talked to Sana since the last section leader meeting."  
  
This astounds me, "You're serious?"  
  
"T-There's nothing going on with us. I-I swear", she hesitates, hands gripping tight to the edges of her work desk, "I guess she's just getting busier and busier, that's all. But right now, I believe Jennie invited her to watch _Wicked_ on Broadway."  
  
I raised an eyebrow, "Jennie did?"  
  
"Jennie Kim, you know?"  
  
"I know who Jennie is! I... never mind" my throat is dry from sobbing yesterday. Also, I'm not in the mood to explain my encounters with Jennie.  
  
Chaekyung sees me advance towards the door, "Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm thirsty", a soft noise escapes my lips, disturbed by the itch in my throat.  
  
I didn't give the girl a minute to ask another question as I hurriedly shut the door behind my back. Retreating to a practice room and going over sections of _The Rhinegold_ may keep my mind off today's tragedies. After all, for a brief moment, I did let that fight with my parents slip from my mind when I met Chaeyeon and Chaeryeong at the Parisian music store. _Yeah, that's right._ Making music will make me forget about certain things, like how my parents are pathetic drunks, and how Jennie is a fake fuck, and also how the entire world knows that I'm losing most of my hearing, and—  
  
"Look what we have here", at the bridge leading to the main building, I run into a peculiar violinist and half of her squad sneering at me.  
  
I attempted to maneuver myself around her, "Go away, Reina. I don't want to talk to you."   
  
Yuzuna moved to Reina's right side to block me from leaving, "Did you read the recent Huffington Post?"  
  
"I don't want to!"  
  
Karen pulls out her phone and persists to read the article anyways, "As of January 13, 2021, Alan Gilbert, director of the New York Philharmonic and the Juilliard, came to a consensus with the other musicians that Mina's parents will be fired from the orchestra. The outrage of the orchestra's subscribers as well as certain musicians within the ensemble have cost the two their principal clarinet and principal bassoon jobs."  
  
"Your parents are jobless now", Reina feigns pity.  
  
Somi butts in, "Mom told me that Mina's nicer relatives are going to take her i—"  
  
Karen covers the younger girl's mouth, "Shut up!"   
  
But Reina sees this as an opportunity to belittle me even more, "Oh, I get it! Is it because Mina can't support herself?"  
  
"Go the fuck away. I just want to practice", at this point, I'm drowning in the recesses of a migraine, "Don't you have something more productive to do besides meddle in my life? Why are you so caught up with my business when you could be using that time to brush up on your own skills?"  
  
The violinist's face blushes as a beet red, "I don't need to practice."  
  
"But clearly, you're not good enough to beat Shannon Williams at the festival. Maestro Gilbert even downgraded you to fourth chair", I retaliated because I'm not having it with her anymore, "That says something about your skills, doesn't it?"  
  
The girl clutched the hems of her dress even tighter. _I knew it._ Reina is always triggered at the mention of Shannon's name.  
  
At last, my words seep into Reina's damned skull, "Let's leave, you guys. But mark my words, Myoui. I'm not done with you nor your friends."   
  
The girl shifts to my left and the rest of The Six, excluding Jennie who is with Sana, follow the snooty girl like her row of ducks. As I swiped my Juilliard ID card and entered in my phone number at the practice room kiosk, I tried to brush off our encounter in my head.  

_"I'm not done with you nor your friends."_

Her last words hit me like a stone throw, and now I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to practice in peace.

* * *

**The Thirteenth Measure**

One foot into the practice space and I could already hear the other Juilliard Orchestra musicians talk about my parents, more specifically about them being fired from the New York Philharmonic instead of the footage released by _France24_.   
  
Maestro Gilbert wanted to go over snippets of Act Two, also known as _The Valkyrie_ , as opposed to Act One today. My fingers feel clumsy and I'm left breathless.  
  
"Hmm..." Kai, who was filling in as the conductor for Maestro Gilbert, laid the baton down on the podium and surveyed the room, "Bassoons. Over here it's _fortissimo_ not _forte_. Play a little louder and with more excitement, please."  
  
Joshua, Vernon, and I responded simultaneously, "Yes, sir."  
  
Kai nodded, tucking his baton away in its case, "That's all for today. Rehearsals are dismissed for everybody except for Mina. I want to talk to her."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes, you. Follow me."  
  
I didn't have time to disassemble my instrument. The chocolate-haired concertmaster wanted to lead me into the hallway next to our practice space. I lagged behind because my bassoon is too freaking heavy and awkward to wield without hitting anybody on the head.   
  
"I'm sorry if I've been too distracted during pra—"  
  
"It's fine", Kai cuts my apology short, "I heard on the news about your suffering and how your parents had just recently been fired from the New York Philharmonic. If it makes you feel better in the slightest, Maestro Gilbert wanted me to relay something to you since he can't do it himself."  
  
_The Maestro wants to give me something?_  
  
He pulls out two pieces of paper from his leather satchel, or what the other members call his 'man purse', "Maestro Gilbert printed these out. One is an application form for the New York Philharmonic and one is an application form for the London Symphony Orchestra. Both orchestras are looking to hire a new principal bassoonist and the required repetoire is practically the same. The two of us truly believe that you'd make a good fit."  
  
The forms fall in my left hand out of surprise, "Are you serious? I haven't been in a semi-pro orchestra before."  
  
"Your youth orchestra experiences as well as this one should count", Kai explains, "Look at Peter Moore, winner of the 2012 BBC Young Musician of the Year award. He was only eighteen when he was accepted as the co-principal trombonist to the London Symphony Orchestra. In addition, Yuri and Sunny were accepted into top-tier orchestras without having been in second-rate orchestras beforehand."  
  
Yuri talked about this before, like when we were watching the fireworks on New Year's.   
  
"I know that you're just a third year and you still have one more year to graduate. Don't worry about that. Auditions will be held over the course of one year and by the time both orchestras choose their candidate, you would've already graduated from Juilliard. Consider it", Kai says with a smile before making his way home.  
  
"Umm... Kai."  
  
He turned back, "Yes?"  
  
"Have you talked to Sana yet?"  
  
"Nope. But all I know is that she'll be leaving for Washington D.C. in two days to prepare for the presidential inauguration ceremony", the concertmaster just shrugged, and it made sense.

* * *

**The Fourteenth Measure**

Chaeyoung accompanied me to the 66th Street—Lincoln Center subway while assisting me with my luggage. From there, we stood on the same platform awaiting the Number One train in all of the New York metro's stale air and famous scent of urine. Chaeyoung would get off at the 34th Street Penn Station and I'd get off at the Chambers Street Station. At my stop, one of my housekeepers will pick me up and drive me to my house.  
  
I bid the percussionist farewell before the train doors shut closed, a tunnel of gray and black surrounding the area as it speeds towards its next destination. It swifted through the wintry air enveloping me, the only passenger at this hour, in this freezing train car.   
  
I'm at ease when Im Nayoung, one of the younger maids in the penthouse who is about Nayeon's age, arrived with her studded, silver gray Mercedes S600 Maybach. She loaded my luggage in the trunk while delicately and conscientiously handling my instrument case. That's what I love about this girl — her carefulness and precision with items such as these, unlike most New York taxi and Uber drivers who'd dare thrust my case in the trunk as if it were an insignificant, inexpensive portmanteau. This is why I prefer public transportation more.  
  
"Your Aunt Mineko hired your own personal housekeeper", Nayoung talks over the purring vehicle.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well, actually. She's not really new, but she used to attend to your parents while you were housed at Juilliard."  
  
For the whole trip, the only thing in my mind was the application forms that Kai handed to me. I'm happy to hear that he and Maestro Gilbert see potential in me, and surely my aunt, uncle, and grandma will be happy to hear their words too. Aunt Mineko will cry tears of joy while Uncle Noboru will brag about this to the Metropolitan Opera club members. Grandma would probably pat my back and cordially repeat how proud she is of me. Them, along with my deceased grandfather, are the _only_ friendly relatives that I have. They hail from my dad's side.  
  
We reach the uppermost level of Terrace High Line Residences when Nayoung slides her ID card into the chip reader, allowing us to enter my penthouse. Then she left to attent to her community college night class, which begins in promptly thirty minutes. Nobody is home, not even grandma, who likes to knit while watching the Berlin Philharmonic through their Digital Concert Hall in the living room.  
  
"Welcome home, Mina", this short maid wearing a print gown and a chiffon apron pops out of my bedroom, "My name is Choi Yoojung and I'll be your personal maid from now on. Your aunt, uncle, and grandmother are at the opera so they'll be arriving home late."  
_  
Yoojung? Where have I heard that name before?_  
  
"Were you always working at my house?"  
  
"Only for a while. I used to be a waitress at that Gordon Ramsey restaurant on Fifth Avenue", she explained, "But when your mother hired me a few months ago, I accepted the position because then I'd be closer to the college that I attend: The Borough of Manhattan Community College."  
  
"Oh, okay", I said while removing my olive green parka and suspending it on the metal coat rack.  
  
"Do you need anything from me?"  
  
I took a quick glance over to my luggage, "Unpacking, I guess?"  
  
"Will do", Yoojung heaves the pink suitcase first, "Go ahead and get some rest. Oh, and don't forget to take your medications."  
  
The dorsum of Yoojung's hands come into view when they peep out of her ruffled sleeves to handle my luggage. The scratches on her hand ranged from a discoloration of blue and purple to a horrific hue of black and red, blood gushing out from the scars.  
  
"Yoojung, wait", I grabbed her startled wrist, rolling up one of her sleeves to identify the bruise before throwing back in disgust, "What happened to your hand?"  
  
"Oh, nothing! It was just a work accident", a nervous smile displayed on her face as she retracted her arm away from me.   
  
"Wait here", I ordered.  
  
I rushed over to my purse located in the opposite side of the room, drawing out a first-aid kit that Dr. McIntosh gave me. Carefully, I took the bandage wrap and sheathed it around Yoojung's bruises to prevent any further bleeding. I then took an ice pack and had her apply it to the bruises to decrease the inflammation in the area of her injury. Hopefully, the pain will stop there.  
  
"You're very kind, Mina", Yoojung grins, "Your parents would've not helped me like this."

 

* * *

**The Fifteenth Measure**

Saturday: January 16, 2021  
  
Mr. Howell, the detective, showed us a tape issued by a French media outlet where my face had hit the ground and my father's foot was planted on my back. Then the social worker, a short Asian woman named Ms. Tanaka, uncovered possessions hidden in my house that hinted at the long-drawn abuse of my parents. I recognized every single article from my past: miscellaneous, perhaps bloodstained items that my mom would spank me with if I had missed a note or failed to wake up in time for my lessons; cameras that had been installed all over our house so that they could watch my every move; a binder that documented my daily schedule since I was six; and so on. But what caught my eyes was the photo album of my attic — an orgy of alcohol that my parents hid from me for many years, more than my head could count.  
  
My parents couldn't do anything to retaliate because the evidence was clear and unmistakable. Some of the footage extracted from those cameras exposed their beatings towards me during my practice sessions. One clip displayed my mother shoving me off my bed when I was nine years-old.  
  
But the roots of my parents wrong-doings were revealed when Ms. Tanaka began the meander on about the basement. I wasn't even aware that my house had a basement because I spent ninety-percent of my life in my bedroom or in the studio room on the third floor of our home.  
  
"One hundred thousand dollars worth of hard alcohol", she accentuated, laying out palpable photographs on the table where Mr. Howell is sitting.  
  
My mom tried to requite, "How would you know if that's our alcohol?"  
  
"Ma'am. The evidence is all here", Mr. Howell says sternly and with a straight face, "The police also uncovered receipts of these purchases and we have the blood test results of you and your husband. You two have a blood alcohol content well over the legal limit."   
  
"Lying will only get you into bigger trouble", Ms. Tanaka emphasized.  
  
For the longest time, my parents have been alcoholics and I only learned of this twenty years later. I'm disgusted. It pained me to even look at their anguished faces. I feel like I'm on an episode of Dr. Phil where I'm being faced with the people I've feared all my life.  
  
"The CCTV videos that we've gathered around your penthouse reveal that you beat up your housekeeper too", Dr. Howell says further and it hits me.  
  
Those bruises on Yoojung's arm weren't an ordinary "work accident"; it was my parents who did this to her. Ms. Tanaka plays another video that must've been recorded not too long ago, wherein my drunk mother lashed Yoojung for washing the wrong laundry. She used the same wooden paddle that I've endured in my childhood. I couldn't watch what the demure girl was going through. A flood of tears gushed down my pink cheeks.  
  
"How...?" I breathed into my hand, "How can you guys do this? Not just to me, but to your maids too?"  
  
They didn't answer me. Of course they wouldn't.  
  
"Now, Mina. The next few questions are triggering, your answers will be confidential. You're allowed to be as honest as possible because none of your responses wll be released to the media", Mr. Howell said, restlessly seating himself in the chair opposite to me, "Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes", I slowly nodded.  
  
"Okay", he picked up a pencil to track my words, "How long have your parents been hitting you?"  
  
I could not talk; I was too mentally scarred to finish a complete sentence. Yoojung’s situation caused me to lower my head in guilt, ashamed by the fact that I was not able to stop my mom from hitting her. I'm also ashamed at myself for not venting out at my parents earlier. Then the figure of my father grew into a tall man's shadow lingering over the lone light in the interrogation room. _Oh great, it's flashbacks again._  
  
"What happened to that Japanese proverb we taught you about forgetting the pain once its over?" my dad exhorted.  
  
"It's not over, and it never will be!" I cried, "You guys turned into monsters!"  
  
My mom jolted out of her chair, "Don't make me regret giving birth to you! I brought you into this world I can take you out!"  
  
"You should've aborted me then", that sentence slipped out my mouth like butter and it shocked everyone in the room, even my mom. Her eyes grew back in terror at what she just told me, paralyzed by her own words. She actually began to burst into tears.  
  
I felt a lump in my throat as I couldn't speak. My legs felt like jelly and I couldn't stand up to look at Mr. Howell, Ms. Tanaka, and my parents in the eyes. But when my mother's voice resounded in my head, tears soaked up in my face. I couldn’t hold the heartbreak no longer, becoming a disheveled heap as my grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. _I can't handle this. I don't want to be here._  
  
"We can't have a productive session like this", Mr. Howell concluded, packing his things away, "We'll have to do this on another day."

* * *

**BONUS (Haters Gonna Hate)**  
  
Café Fiorello is closing in one hour and Jeongyeon, who is the only waitress active at this hour, is carefully carrying out the final orders from the last handful of customers. most of whom are intoxicated, black-suited men who are arriving home late from their hectic work schedules. When all is done, Jeongyeon heaves a heavy sigh before heading to the locker rooms to grab her belongings. _I'm finally done for the day_ , she thinks.  
  
Or so she thought.  
  
"Sup' bitch?" Nayeon's nasal yet vociferous tone cuts through the reposing atmosphere emitted by the Café's signature jazz pianist. Jihyo saunters from behind while wearing an exapserated expression on her face, her viola case in one hand and her music folder in the other. The timpanist believes that Nayeon had resurrected the hardworking violist from the catacombs that students call "practice rooms".  
  
"Goddammit, you two", Jeongyeon grumbles, fixing her work jacket on her shoulders, "I was just getting ready to head home!"  
  
"Our poor principal violist forget to eat dinner on the way to Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals", Nayeon advocated for her girlfriend, "A classic cheeseburger and a caramel macchiato will be hearty enough to bring her from the dead."  
  
"If you want something hearty, go to  _Phở Sizzle_ next door", the timpanist encourages, "They serve a mean beef broth soup there."  
  
"Jeong", The clarinetist crosses her arms, tapping her foot, "The waiter there is a fucking pervert. The line outside also stretches one mile."  
  
It's a lost cause, so Jeongyeon gives in and escorts the couple to a table close to the kitchen so she doesn't have to sprint from one place to the other (Also, she's just lazy and _dying_ to get back in bed with Momo). She assumes that both girls want the classic cheeseburger and doesn't bother to take their order, dabbling down their supposed request on a piece of paper with a pencil and then sending it to the kitchen.  
  
And that leaves Jihyo, Nayeon, and the warm yet lively ambience that surrounds them. An elderly couple sitting side by side, one glass of wine each, talk aimlessly about the Hamilton musical they watched at the Richard Rodgers Theater. A group of young women in their twenties collapsed with helpless giggles about a cute guy in one of the NYU fraternities. A studious, presumably single, female workaholic dining alone nearby looked at the swirls of her coffee and frowned. These are the kinds of people you'll only come across outside of the school.   
  
"It's been a while since we had a date like this", Nayeon bent over her empty plate, eyes open wide.  
  
Jihyo fidgeted, adjusting the strap of her bra under her sweater dress, "Y-You're right!"  
  
Nayeon leans over to pinch both of her girlfriend's pudgy cheeks, "Hey! What happened to the perky violist that I know?"  
  
"It's just..." she shifts Nayeon's hands aside with her own, "I can't help but worry for Mina. During sectionals, I lashed out at Karen and the other violists because they wouldn't stop talking crap about Mina, especially since that confrontation with Reina and The Six outside of the Irene Diamond Building. Mina even moved back to her house to remove herself from all of the negativity that's been circulating around the dormitories. Her parents aren't paying for her to live at the residence hall either, which means that she'll have to commute to school from now on."   
  
The other girl sighs, ripping apart a sugar packet to dilute in her dark coffee, "The Juilliard Orchestra members haven't changed, huh? Not even Maestro GIlbert's words about inciting 'a change of attitude' could steer them. I thought that students were supportive and caring of each other."  
  
Jeongyeon passes by with Jihyo's macchiato in her hand, "Propaganda. Of course the staff wouldn't want to diminish Juilliard's already-established reputation by exposing the real character of the student body, so only positive affirmations are allowed on Juilliard's social media sites. Don't you see the publicity bullcrap that they upload on YouTube? Reina Washio is in one of those promotional ads, portraying that ficitious smile and talking about how wonderful the students are when the reality is that she talks smack about us and the other Pops Orchestra members."  
  
"Not all Juilliard students are like this, it's just the people that I've experienced", Jihyo makes clear, "Most of these people are uninformed."  
  
"Or maybe they're just jealous of the fact that Mina has accomplished more than them", Nayeon says with sobriety.  
  
"Nabongs, you're an _Oh My Girl_ and _AOA_ fan. This is nothing new to you", Jeongyeon smirks at her neutral expression. "Kpop groups get bashed a lot, don't they?"  
  
"You're absolutely right", a blithe laugh escapes the clarinetist's lips, "There are some K-pop fans who feel the need to bash other groups, and it's mainly because the group that they resent is more successful than their bias groups."  
  
"They just need to realize that success isn't measured in how many awards you win and etcetera. They're so absorbed in tearing others down just to make themselves or their friends feel validated", Jihyo straightens up in her chair, "They need to do their **own** work and worry about themselves instead of Mina."  
  
"Preach!" Jeongyeon is about to cut the conversation because she needs to get back to work.


	24. ritardando

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_ritardando_  
Origin: Italian  
Slowing down; decelerating  
  
****

**The Sixteenth Measure**

Sunday: January 17, 2021  
  
"Mina", Yoojung called, lightly rapping on the door of my bedroom, "Ms. Chan, that counselor from Juilliard, is at your doorstep."  
  
The diminutive girl is just as proficient at pulling people out of bed just as she is proficient at doing chores. The moment she entered my room and hauled my ass out from under the covers, I hastily slipped off my pink jammies, changed into a decent winter pullover, tied my wine-colored hair into a ponytail and fastened it with a pink hairtie. Yoojung was right about Ms. Chan being outside of the premises, her North Face jacket being the only aspect of her tall demeanor noticeable from the eyehole of the front door.   
  
"I'm here on behalf of me, Mr. Howell, and Ms. Tanaka", she started as I was putting on a pair of leggings, "The three of us wanted to apologize about what happened yesterday. I understand if you don't want to let me in, but please hear me out on this."  
  
I felt bad for her. It must've been a lot of trouble for her to bury out my address and locate my home. I turned the knob and opened the door.  
  
Ms. Chan untied her shoes as I offered her a pair of house slippers, "My goodness. You really do have a nice house. Are you living alone?"  
  
"My relatives are staying over, but they're at work", I answered, "Please make yourself comfortable while I make some tea."  
  
She settles herself in the same couch where Chaeyoung and I cuddled in a few days ago, "That's very thoughtful of you, Mina. Your mom and dad clearly can't recognize your helpfulness and your benevolence. I wish that those qualities were noticed."  
  
Ms. Chan mentions my parents and unwittingly, I burn the palm of my hand by touching the water kettle too soon. I envision how tedious it's going to be when I need to use my hand to lug my instrument case to the Lincoln Center, but then I remembered that there are no Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals on Sundays according to Kai as of last week. Practicing today seems almost insurmountable after wasting my energy on uncontrollable crying. Shedding tears alone makes practice difficult enough, so there's no point in doing it.  
  
"Thanks for the tea, Mina. Have a seat", Ms. Chan motions me to the gold-glit chair on the other side of the coffee table.  
  
"So you were saying?"  
  
"Right", she laid the dainty tea cup down on its saucer, "We're terribly sorry about the ruckus we've caused yesterday with you and your parents. I thought that having the three of you in one room could mend some broken communication, but I guess I arranged that affair too soon."  
  
I reclined back in my chair and didn't say a word.  
  
"We came to a consensus that we'd keep you away from your parents until you're ready to face them. They've agreed to undergo rehabilitation with Mrs. Lee — a friend of mine who specializes in family and marriage therapy, especially those who have been afflicted by alcohol."  
  
"I don't really want to talk about my parents right now", I cut in, kicking off my slippers and curling up into a ball on the chair.  
  
"Okay then", Ms. Chan considered, "How are your friends?"  
  
_Really? This question?_  
  
"Which one?" when I speak my voice trails slowly, like a bird unwilling to take flight  
  
"Any of them", she smiles, taking another sip of her tea, "Ramble on about the people in your life."  
  
The first person that leaps up into my mind is Jihyo. I tell Ms. Chan not only about how much of a gifted violist and vocalist she is, but also about how sweet and selfless she is. Jihyo is like the mother I never had — one who would provide words of wisdom and unconditional love. Jeongyeon is next, acting as sort of a father figure. The timpanist has an odd way of portraying her affection towards her friends — she has her stupid jokes and embarrassing pulls, but at the end of the day, she deeply cares for others and only wants to make us smile.  
  
Momo is a little difficult to comprehend and much like Jeongyeon, she also has an unconventional way of portraying her love for her friends. Dahyun too but once in a blue moon, she'll say something meaningful to lift everyone's spirits, just like she did before our first Pops Orchestra concert. Tzuyu is chill and complacent, but she handles the most distressing situations with poise. She loves Dahyun too. She really does.  
  
Chaeyoung and Sana aren't that different from each other. Both girls are impulsive (okay, maybe not so much Chaeyoung), and it leads to mistakes and misunderstandings from both ends of the discussion. Sana especially gets caught up and misdirected, to an extent where she has a hard time controlling her focus and energy. But other times, her energy elicits very noble actions. Characteristically, Sana and Chaeyoung will put great importance on the people that they cherish, and will do anything they can to secure their contentment.  
  
And now Nayeon...  
  
Ms. Chan disrupts my thinking when she clicks her pen, jotting down what I reiterated to her, "We need people who can sympathize with us, people who can be depended upon during rough times liks this, and people who can lend their ears while giving us honest, constructive feedback. In psychology and in accordance to stages three and four of Maslow's hierarchy, research has showed that having a support system provides us with positive benefits such as higher levels of well-being, better coping skills, and a longer life. These are basic human needs."

* * *

**The Seventeenth Measure**

Monday: January 18, 2021  
  
I took the metro to Central Park South and met up with Nayeon at the Columbus Circle Holiday Market, where the clarinetist was reveling in the glittering aisles of art, jewelry, and delicious eats from local artisans and vendors. She bought a couple of home goods for herself and Jihyo, and while doing so, smiled and eagerly waved at every stranger that caught her eye. Her warmth was radiating within the chiliness of New York City. Even in the midst of January, the sun was out and glowing a delectable shade of egg-yolk orange in the wintry air. To see Nayeon's rabbit-like teeth form an amiable smile is a rare sight for me because I'm more accustomed to her short-tempered side.   
  
Nayeon looked up at me and flashed a bag of roasted chestnuts in front of eyes, still nibbling on one as she spoke to me with that same smile, "I'm so glad that you decided to come with me, Mina. I didn't want you to shell up in your house forever."  
  
I fished a chestnut out of the bag and smiled back, "No problem."  
  
"I've been worried about you since you moved out of your dorm", she states, "It's weird — not hearing the scales and études of your bassoon at six o'clock in the morning. Your stirring melodies in a low baritone, or your fragrant notes in the tenor range."  
  
"Or the sound of a dying duck", my giggle comes with a frosty breath of air, "You wouldn't miss my obnoxious playing at the crack of dawn."  
  
"God, you're so cynical", she pouts, placing both mittened hands on my cheeks, "I do miss your playing! Now I have to deal with that annoying trumpeter who wakes up at five o'clock just to show off his not-so-flashy Arutunian concerto. God, even Jihyo expressed the urge to secretly murder him, but you know that girl: she's too kind and motherlike to even wield a knife or any other device of torture that isn't her viola."  
  
"Don't tell Jihyo about that viola joke", I insinuate, "She won't be so motherly after that."  
  
Nayeon pops another chestnut into her mouth, "I've dated Jihyo long enough to know _not_ to share viola jokes with her."  
  
We made our casual stroll pass the Umpire Rock and the Central Park carousel when the clouds disappeared and a huge pool of blue skimmed the sky. The sun rises higher, casting in trees with their vivid hues and bringing the warm tones into the cold city.  
  
Children flocked out of the gardens and sprinted towards the colorful carousel with a Ruth  & Sohn band organ performing ecstatic waltzes and polkas. Their steps feel lighter and lighter toward the brilliant shafts breaking through the brise-soleil where the carousel is contained. Within each kid, there is a place of innocence — an incorruptible place that has not been altered or touched by any of our misguided beliefs about ourselves. They believe that everything will turn out right no matter what you do and what happens to them; they are truly happy. If the biggest problem in the world is losing their lunch money or leaving their math assignment at home on the day it is due, they are sad for while, but then they slowly heal and become happy again. To them, the world is like a bunch of untainted roses that blossom under the radiant sunlight of immaculacy.  
  
So this is what innocence was; a safeguard from the cruel reality of the real world. It is an attribute that applied to children who ignored the bad instances in life and kept their head held high. Chaeyoung and Sana are prime example of that thought. Even though Sana lost her father and Chaeyoung lost her hearing, and that there is a huge possibility that those things would never return, they became resilient and managed to move on with their lives. Those spunky girls knew how to find happiness in every single situation, whether the issue was intensely crucial or simply mild.  
  
Other than throwing a short outburst, Nayeon is good at shaking things off as well. A sign outside specifies the age limit that declares who gets to ride the carousel and who doesn't. Nayeon and I don't fit the age range, nor the height and weight requirements.  
  
The clarinetist bursts into a fit of laughter at this, "Being an adult sucks, doesn't it? Playtime slips out of your hands and the next thing you knew, your whole life is tapping on the world and then when the world turns around to look you in the eye, you forget what to say."  
  
I shrugged, "I never had playtime, not even when I was six."   
  
Her eyes widen, "Have you ever rode a carousel before? Let alone any amusement park ride?"  
  
"I don't have the courage to do those kinds of things", I muttered.  
  
"One day, The 'Crack Squad' and I are going to throw you and Momo on a rollercoaster and strap you to a GoPro just to record your reactions", Nayeon teases, "You know Luna Park on Coney Island? They have a sick rollercoaster there."  
  
"I've never been to Coney Island."  
  
"You're fucking kidding me", Nayeon laughs, "You're a native New Yorker and you've never ventured to the other boroughs in the city?"  
  
"I thought I told you about not having playtime when I was younger", I reinstated.  
  
Her shoulders slacken, "Sorry, I forgot."  
  
I never asked for playtime once I picked up an instrument; I let my parents do the bidding because I used to believe that adults always knew best. I just figured as a child that my suffering would pay off in the long run, similiarly to Cinderella, who had to bust her ass off working for her evil stepmother and stepsisters until Prince Charming finally came to the rescue. Suffering to me meant hours spent practicing, auditioning, not being able to roam around the house without being watched twenty-four-seven, not being allowed to have the freedom that my friends got to bask in. I thought it would put me ahead of everyone else once adulthood hit. Yes, I am ahead of everyone, but only until I completely lose my hearing.  
  
I've waited... and waited... and waited for that pumpkin to turn into a carriage. But in the end, that carriage will become a pumpkin once again. Adulthood is realizing that you've invested a lot of time not for a gaudy carriage and a resplendent dress, but for a fucking pumpkin all along.  
  
"That's not why I invited you on this walk, though", Nayeon cleared her throat after disposing the empty chestnut bag, "I wanted to have a deep conversation with you about something you're struggling with in the present, and perhaps something that I've been struggling with in the past."  
  
"Wh-What?" I choked.  
  
"Mina", Nayeon turns, but too slowly to be considered normal, "I know that your parents are struggling with alcoholism. It's all over the news."  
  
Of course this story would be on the news. _Of fucking course._  
  
"Sana or I might've told you this before, but just as a reminder, I don't live with my parents anymore. When Reina kicked me out of the group, I fell victim to depression and a drug addiction. My grades slipped, The Six acquired my Snapchat nudes from JB and spread them all over the internet, and my dad kicked me out of the house, with my mom reluctantly agreeing."  
  
"I knew that", I said, adjusting my linen scarf on top of my faux fur-hooded jacket.  
  
"After my parents left, I disguised my pain through drugs and control. Drugs provided an instant, closely-bonded social network for me", there's sadness in Nayeon's eyes, too brown and too glossy, "I hated myself, and I was terrified of letting anyone in."  
  
"My goodness..." hearing this made my insides ache. Tears could spring up in my eyes at any minute.  
  
"But here's other the part that you don't know", Nayeon cuts in, "Actually, let's move somewhere else — preferrably someplace with less people."  
  
The Bethesda Terrace, overlooking The Lake that was shedding from its sheet of ice, had no trace of human life in it. It's considered as the "heart of Central Park", but a heart cannot function without the breath of life that seethes within the city. The golden tears of the surrounding trees had dried out since the end of November. Half-light of the evergreens pose as dark silhouettes blending in with the grey buildings, standing starkly against the snow. Another sign indicates a structure of guidelines that all visitors must follow: No running, no rollerblading, no bike-riding, no organized sports, no live music, don't feed the birds, dogs must be leashed at all times — the list goes on. It's very morbid here.  
  
"I've moved on", Nayeon breathes her answer into the cold air at me.  
  
"Moved on?" I hesitantly replied.   
  
The clarinetist heavily sighs, hunching her body over the metal railing separating the earth from the terrace pond below, her gaze drifting off into the empty sky filled with no sign of clouds. I was about to voice something before Nayeon cut in with a sincere tone, "I quit smoking and I signed up for enough classes to be able to graduate this year, and that's because I moved on from the events that I've been bottling up in my head."  
  
"Moving on isn't going to be easy, you know", I blatantly answered, throwing a small stone into the pond as I watched the soft ripples represent my monotonous life: Practice, practice, practice, and then perform before repeating the process all over again.  
  
"You're right, it's not", Nayeon puts the truth out there as well, "It will take time, especially for you since the ordeal with your parents has been present since you were a kid. With every broken relationship comes baggage — a mixture of sadness, disappointment, and even more intense emotions like anger, fear, shame, grief, and etcetera. It's natural to have these emotions."  
  
I remained silent again, fidgeting with my fingers in the reflection of myself through the lake.   
  
"You're allowed to have those emotions", Nayeon speaks up again, "Cry if you must. That's the first step in the process of moving on, which is  acknowledging and accepting those feelings and events, and most importantly taking time out of yourself to process what you're feeling. Don't rush this. You'll probably need more time than me to recover."  
  
"I know that it takes a lot time", I stressed, throwing yet another stone into the lake as our bodily reflections became ripples, "And I've been emotionally wasted since my conversation with Ms. Chan yesterday. I just don't know how long it's going to take for me to move on from this."  
  
"For me, it wasn't a walk in the park", Nayeon says this and chuckles at the thought of us being at a park, "It took days to accept the fact that Reina wouldn't let me back in her group. It took weeks and a negative bank account for me to accept that I was depending on drugs as a stress-reliever. It took months and a closed front door for me to accept that my parents didn't want me in their lives anymore. But the hardest thing for me was accepting the fact that I was being a complete jerk to you. Your situation with your parents made me realized that you were probably just scared."  
  
Looking through the cold waters of the lake was like peering though perfect glass, unstained and unsmudged by the sticky prints of small children. Nayeon is a different person now, far compared to how she was a few months ago. She's so much more patient and understanding.  
  
If Ms. Chan mentions my friends, Nayeon will be the first person that I recapitulate to her.  
  
Nayeon is right again. I was scared; scared of tainting my own reputation for leaving Reina, scared of not reaching the expectations of other people, but most importantly, scared of my parents. Looking back to how I was before I joined the Pops Orchestra, I've become more resilient. If it wasn't for them, I would've not had the courage to rat out on Reina for doing injustice to Chaeyoung or speak up against my parents at Paris.  
  
All this time, I moved on without fully acknowledging it.       
  
"The point is..." Nayeon is struggling for sentences, "I'm so sorry. Even though I have personal experiences, I'm not a psychologist and I can't be eloquent in this subject. I'm just worried about you lingering on melancholy when you could be doing what you love instead. And in addition, I don't want you to make the same stupid mistakes that I did when I was at this stage of grief."  
  
She's got a point. I'm going to lose my hearing soon and I need to enjoy what I have now before it's all gone.  
  
"It's okay", I said remorsefully, pulling her into a hug, "I appreciate you for coming out here and taking the time to reach out to me."  
  
Nayeon snuggled in, "You've never been the first person to initiate a hug before."  
  
"It's a start", I said, my arms locking in a fraction tighter.  
  
"You don't have to go through this alone either. I would've not healed if I hadn't met Jihyo", her smile glistens, "I'll be there, as well as Sana, and Chaeyoung, and the others. Friends are there for a reason — to support you, to shower you with love, and pull you through this period."  
  
_Dammit, Mina. Don't cry. Don't cry._  
  
"By the way", she begins before a single teardrop could escape my eye, "After rehearsals, I'm going to a Harlem nightclub with Chaeyoung and Eunha. It's called the _Asian Invasion_  and Eunha has connections with the promoter. My gut tells me that you've never been clubbing before and that new experiences like these could probably raise your spirits a bit. Just wear casual clothing."  
  
"Nayeon", I released her from my embrace, "I don't want to drink."  
  
"No alcohol. Just boba and Asian music", Nayeon gleams, "Just to clear your mind a bit, and perhaps enjoy yourself."  
  
"Wait", I raised an eyebrow, "Who the hell runs this club?"  
  
She just laughs, "You'll see!"

* * *

**The Eighteenth Measure**

A one-and-a-half mile line stretches from the entrance of the venue to the Harlem Meer in Central Park North. Luckily, we are not a part of this convoluted mess. Eunha, whom arrived with Jackson and takeout from Shake Shack, slipped our group through the back door and led is into a backstage area with a snack bar, pool table, Guitar Hero — whatever. Mark and Junior are messing around with the Wii U when Jackson sneaks up from behind and ruffles their heads. I assume that Eunha snuck them in for Jackson's sanity, but that wasn't the case at all.  
  
"How the hell does Junior manage to run a nightclub at the age of twenty-two?" I ask Eunha in disbelief.  
  
"It actually belongs to his cousin — Jay Park", the violinist speaks coolly until her eyes drop to my figure, "But he's touring in Japan so Junior is temporarily taking over. And holy shit. Nayeon said that it's your first time clubbing? You look fucking _fine_ in that dress."  
  
Junior tosses his cue stick to Mark, "Really, Mina? That's your idea of 'casual' clothing?"   
  
"I don't want to look underdressed!" I insisted. But I have to admit that this sequined dress is itchy as hell.    
  
"You make the rest of us look underdressed", Jackson tugs on the sleeve of his dragon hoodie.  
  
"Mina's definition of 'underdressing' is overdressing", Eunha jokes with her milkshake straw in her mouth.  
  
Mark cuts the crap and faces his friend-slash-host, "So who's performing on stage tonight? Rap Monster? Park Kyung?"  
  
"I brought in a rookie girl group wherein the members come from four different colleges — The Borough of Manhattan Community College, the Manhattan School of Music, the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, and even Juilliard", Junior smirks and Jackson squeals as if meeting more girls would be beneficial to him (it won't, because Eunha is going to become resentful).  
  
"This 'girl group' thing is just a hobby for them. They'll be active for only one year", Eunha makes clear. Jackson's shoulders sulk in disappointment.  
  
"How many members?" Nayeon questions out of curiosity.  
  
"Eleven", Junior answers and it stumps me. _That's a lot of girls._  
  
"You should open the doors before the crowd outside dies from hypothermia", Mark suggests while clearing up the pool table.  
  
_Asian Invasion_ opened up at around ten o-clock at night and thousand of people spill into the venue like herds of sheep, taking up every last crevice until the floor below us became invisible. This isn't a typical nightclub where there are cat fights, people are getting wasted, and obnoxiously loud music proceeding to shatter everybody's eardrums from high definition speakers. Nobody is drunk and nobody is engaging in a brawl. The club is electric tonight, everyone feeding off of the smiles and dancing to a co-ed group named [K.A.R.D.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPTcKSVAEvA). The music is a drug that brings me higher, higher until my mind buzzes with pure joy. I never paid attention to K-pop in the past, but I'm digging this.  
  
Nayeon sneaks me through the crowd, a bee line for the bar where Chaeyoung is chilling on a velvet stool and sipping on pearl milk tea. She's wearing a marvelous black dress with a lovely lattice web along a simple, curved neckline and elegant sleeves.   
  
Chaeyoung set her drink down, " _You actually came?_ "  
  
" _Nayeon insisted_ ", I said, snagging the empty seat next to her.   
  
The bartender (whom Chaeyoung calls the "bobatender") swinged by and asked me for my order. I haven't had boba in a while, so I had Chaeyoung decide my drink for me. In between our drinks, a waitress shifts over a platter of Korean-styled fried chicken; lightly tossed in a sweet, spicy, and garlicky glaze; brushed over with a thin layer of sauce; and sprinkled with sesame seeds and green onions for extra crunchiness.   
  
" _I'm glad that you're in a better mood_ ", is the first sentence that Chaeyoung conjures up in her head.

 _"This is a good song_ ", she sighs, her lips glossy from the fried chicken sauce, then she pulled out her phone to text something to me.

**[Son Chaeyoung] K.A.R.D is just a rookie group but I earnestly believe that they deserve more success in the music industry. The pop music industry isn't that much different from the classical music industry — if you're from a reputable company with legitimate artists, you'll garner more attention from the masses. Likewise if you attend a reputable institution like Juilliard or Eastman, which has a ton of famous alumni, orchestral music directors will think highly of you when they look at your resumé.**

_"Wait",_ I gasped, " _You can hear the music?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung pointed to her ears, " _Hearing aids, remember?_ "  
  
" _Oh yeah._ "

Chaeyoung wiped off the sauce from her lips, " _By the way, did you apply for the those two orchestras?_ "   
  
" _I did_ ", I mentioned.  
  
Chaeyoung whipped out her phone again.

**[Son Chaeyoung] During one of my classes, SinB told me that Yerin is auditioning for the New York Philharmonic. Jun, Mingyu, and Jennie's friend, Kim Jisoo, too. None of them think that they're going to get accepted for a position, but they're willing to try.**

**[Mina Myoui] You'll never know. Yuri was accepted into the London Symphony Orchestra at the age of twenty-two.**  
  
**[Son Chaeyoung] And Sunny was accepted into the Berlin Philharmonic when she was twenty-three.**

I don't know why, but I suddenly feel at ease when Chaeyoung mentioned that Yerin and the others would be auditioning for the New York Philharmonic. Maybe it's the thought of everyone following their dreams and doing their best in what they do, despite knowing that only one person will win the position in the end. New York City is a place where dreams are made and destroyed.  
  
My cousins tell me that I’m stupid; stupid for risking a lot for a very small chance of greatness. But you know what? I'm not scared anymore. Like Nayeon said, I can overcome. I'm going to do what I love and do it _**my**_ way, even if it means that I'm going to ultimately lose all of my hearing.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Junior, the momentary club promoter, makes his entrance with a pair of oversized sunglasses and a booming voice. It startles me; he's a completely different person outside of Juilliard — he's not restrained like he usually is in half of my classes. "Thanks for coming out to 'rookie night' listen and support these hidden talents. And thanks to our performers today: K.A.R.D., SNUPER, Playback, Zico, Dean — really, you guys are fantastic. You guys truly graced the stage tonight, and we wish the best for your debut."  
  
All hand-clapping resumed as Junior's speech ended. He introduces the next group for the night — an eleven-member girl group that goes by the name of eye-oh-eye or whatever. Eunha and Junior about them backstage, and the fact that the members attend different colleges within the city.   
  
The lights slowly dimmed as the final half of this extravaganza was about to make its crescendo. Junior made his way backstage and the crowd intiated another round of applause for this temporary girl group. I counted the heads and indeed, there were eleven girls all clothed in pastel pink and blue skirts and tank tops. Ribbons donned their wavy hair whereas high tops and knee-lengthed socks hugged their long legs and feet.  
  
"MARRY ME JEON SOMI!" a high-pitched man hollered from the crowd.  
  
I choked on my drink, " _Somi is here?_ "  
  
" _Nayeon didn't tell you?_ " Chaeyoung furrowed her brow, slipping her phone out of her pocket again.

**[Son Chaeyoung] Somi is a member of this girl group, although it's understandable that you didn't realize this until now. Somi has been keeping this fact on a low-down because you know, The Six. Who knows what their reaction would be?"**

I nearly forgot about The Six. _Jesus. So Somi has been hiding something from them too?_  
  
Their first three songs are entitled "[Pick Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TlRGJiLKoQ)", "[Very Very Very](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdyy7I8JaWE)", and "[Crush](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnUmR2r6Wp8)". For the majority of their stage, Somi was the most prominent among eleven different faces. She's a crowd favorite and it shows when she runs up to the stage front and gives out high-fives to her blood-thirsty fans. It throws me off course because she upholds an entirely different persona when she's on stage compared to when she's with The Six — undying energy, euphoria, and confidence surged in her veins. Somi danced like nobody was watching, even though _everyone_ watched her.  
  
"Our last song is called '[Dream Girls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv1K-ZtPQfs)'. It may sound cliché but there's valuable message within it", Nayoung, whom I also didn't realize was a member of this group until now, is in charge of the mic. She waits for the crowd to settle down before continuing their talk.  
  
Then she hands the mic over to Yoojung — another member that stumps me because she's normally in my house washing dishes and stuff, "It's about a girl chasing her dreams and doing what she loves the most, despite the judgements that outward forces give her. Please listen!" 

* * *

**BONUS (In Loving Memory)**  
  
Monday: January 18, 2021  
  
The boughs of the cemetery twist like misshapen bones, twitching in a silent scream. Sana brushed a tear off her face as she stared at the nameplate of her father's grave at Washington D.C.’s Syrian War Memorial Cemetery. Since the outbreak in March 2011, the conflict in Syria had cost the lives of more than four-hundred thousand people, displaced millions more, and involved countless atrocities and crimes against humanity. Sana had already gone through the stages of 'moving on', but it's natural to cry in a sanctuary meant for the dead.   
  
His grave was located under a covered passageway that consisted of a metallic, sixteen-feet archway embellished with white starflowers dangling down from their stems. The display made it seem like the pearly stars in the night sky that her father never had a chance to catch, each star representing every day he spent away from his family. His death was too sudden; so unexpected that it made Sana weary at the fact that he didn't even get to hear her playing in full blossom. He didn't even get a chance to say a proper goodbye.  
  
A tap behind Sana's shoulders bring her to reality, "H-huh?"  
  
Sana looked up at the taller woman to get a better perspective of her appearance. In one of her tremendously frail hands, she was holding a bouquet of red roses gingerly wrapped around a gold ribbon. She laid the flowers down in front of her father's grave so she could communicate to Sana.  
  
" _Hello, my daughter. I've missed you._ "  
  
Here's the other missing piece of the puzzle. Sana had learned sign language way before she knew Chaeyoung. Why? Her mother is legally deaf.  
  
Sana’s mother let her cold breath decorate the chiseled air of the cemetery atmosphere. Noting the particular depth of the reticent mood her stray companion was expliciting, she lays a comforting hand on her daughter’s shoulder, following Sana’s deviant gaze into the starry sky. Again, there were no shooting stars that night; just plain white stars standing miles away from their presence.   
  
" _Mom_ ", she breathed, releasing her hands from her pockets, " _What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm going to the presidential inauguration ceremony, mainly to hear you and your Uncle Takayuki perform for the president_ ", she giggled, her voice almost just as high-pitched as her daughter's, " _But of course, I'm paying respects to your father while I'm here in D.C."_  
  
Tears were blooming in her eyes, " _You came all the way from San Francisco just to hear me perform?_ "  
  
Her soft lips stretched into a genuine smile, " _Of course. And I'm going to watch your orchestra perform 'The Ring' cycle in March._ "   
  
The dread creeps over Sana like an icy chill. She feels her stomach is full of lead; her feet are set in concrete; her mind is astonishingly empty.  
  
" _My dear_ ", she begins, " _You seem troubled. Tell me._ "   
  
" _I'm an idiot_ ", Sana admitted, her mind rewinding to the scene where she held the festival trophy in her arms, " _I put too much work on myself and now I feel stressed. It's like, I can't find a way to enjoy music after accumulating all of this fame. I'm just doing my best not to disappoint anybody."_  
  
" _It's not selfish to take care of yourself_ ", her mom's concerned face was suddenly full of optimism, " _Ironically, your father was the same. He took on the most duties when he was in the military, fearing that he was being viewed as a burden by the other soldiers."_  
  
" _If only dad was here",_ an automatic response escaped from her fingers. Sana could feel the tears coming, but she immediately forced them back.  
  
" _He is always watching you from up there_ ", her mom points to the sky decorated in diamonds that people call 'stars', " _And I'm a hundred percent sure that he's proud of what you've accomplished. Those that we lose don't go away; they walk beside us every day — unseen and unheard. Don't feel guilty about yourself just like your father did; live your life and be free. With every breath that you take, you'll take one for your father."  
  
_ " _I'm lucky to have you as a mother_ ", Sana complimented, showing a content smile on her previously gloomy face as she rearranged the blotchy flower display on her father's grave, " _You're nothing like any of the other teachers I had._ "  
  
" _Thank you_ ", her mom smiled, " _And don't be afraid to share your feelings with Mina and Chaeyoung. They'd be more than happy to talk to you._ "  
  
" _Mina and Chaeyoung?_ "  
  
" _Chaeyoung told me that she and Mina have been worried for you ever since you left yesterday without saying goodbye_ ", her mom mentioned, gaping at Chaeyoung's text message displayed on the bright screen of her smartphone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for being late on the update. I've been sick recently and barely had any strength to get up and write. But I'm feeling much better now :) The process of healing for Mina will be a slow one. I wanted to make her progress as realistic as possible, so there will be times when the topic of her parents will be touched on again (Not in an abrupt way, of course). I just wanted to point this out just in case I left you guys hanging or if you had any lingering questions in your head after the end of this chapter.


	25. prima donna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_prima donna_  
Origin: Italian  
The leading female singer in the company, the person to whom the prime roles would be given  
  


**The Nineteenth Measure**

Tuesday: January 19, 2021  
  
"I.O.I was really _daebak_ last night, huh?" Eunha props her arm around my neck on the way to our musicology class.  
  
I tilted my head, not understanding, "I.O.I is what?"  
  
"A great success", the short violinist defined as we entered the classroom, settling in the back row of seats like we always do, "Who's your favorite member? I like Yeonjung — the main vocalist. She's actually one of the violists in the Juilliard Orchestra."  
  
"I knew that", I mentioned. Of course I'd know who Yeonjung is because this is my third year in the Juilliard Orchestra with her. "But I really didn't expect Yoojung to be such a talented dancer and rapper. Nayoung, too. Those two stood out to me in 'Crush'."  
  
Eunha leans forward in interest, "Oh?"  
  
"They're my housekeepers", I spilled.  
  
She looks equal parts shocked and impressed, "You have two I.O.I members as your housekeepers? Jesus Christ. You better not tell Jackson."  
  
"I can only imagine", I said while massaging my temples. I wouldn't dare let Jackson step a foot into my house unless he's gone through a cleaning inspection. Mark and Junior warned me not to shake his hand, and that's because Jackson doesn't wash his hands after using the restroom.  
  
The two of us continue to talk about I.O.I while waiting for Professor Zarkov to set up her Powerpoint presentation. Yoojung, Kang Minah, and Nayoung are community college students planning to transfer to different colleges. Sejeong is a voice major at the Manhattan School of Music. Jung Chaeyeon and Doyeon are students at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Yeonjung, Pinky, Sohye, and Chungha are at Juilliard: Pinky is a viola major, Sohye is a drama major, Chungha is a dance major, and Yeonjung is majoring in viola because her parents don't approve of her being a vocalist. Eunha and I don't speak a single word of Somi because Reina, Yuzuna, Shuuka, and Jennie are sitting in the front row.  
  
At around one o'clock in the afternoon, a blizzard attacked the East Coast and the rest of my classes were canceled for the day. A thick blanket of snow covered the doorways and it came to me that I'd be trapped inside Juilliard's Irene Diamond building for the entire day. From indoors, I could hear the wind howling from outside, pounding on the glass walls, begging to come inside. I wanted to use this time to prepare for my upcoming NY Phil and LSO auditions, but all of the practice rooms were occupied and I can't practice anywhere without being watched by a hundred eyeballs.  
  
Near the main entrance, there's a staircase where students congregate in between classes. It's a very popular meeting spot for those working on group projects or those who simply just want to catch up with their friends. Chaeyoung and I are there enjoying a late lunch of Cup Noodles that I spiced up at home, and we only had to borrow my private teacher's microwave to heat it up.  
  
"Holy crap!" Chaeyoung exclaims after slurping up the noodles,  _"This is good! You made this?"  
  
"There are ramen hacks on YouTube", _ I chuckled. All I did was add miso paste, sliced smoked salmon, and scallions. Pretty simple enough, but there was an instance where I had to summon Nayoung for help because she's more adept at chopping vegetables than I am.  
  
The percussionist gives me a thumbs-up, " _I approve."_  
  
We talked about our mornings, our lunch, and last night's gig. Speaking of what happened the night before, for a brink second, I spotted Somi trailing behind Reina and the others on their way to the practice rooms. She was abnormally silent, inspecting her nails while Reina rambled about her repetoire for her senior recital. _She's still a third year and she's already planning for next year?_ I guess that makes sense. I still have no clue about what I'm going to do for my senior recital, but maybe I can ask Nayeon, Jeongyeon, and Momo for some advice.  
  
" _Did Nayeon brainwash you?_ " Chaeyoung asks after peering at my phone, which has an _Oh My Girl_ album cover displayed on the lock screen.  
  
I snatched my phone away from her and settled it inside my coat pocket, " _I... I can explain_!"  
  
She laughs out loud, " _What happened to being strictly classical?_ "  
  
" _I need a break. Classical music drives me crazy sometimes_ ", I sighed, stretching out my legs and propping them on top of my instrument case, " _And besides, I won't be able to listen to K-pop once I start drilling down on the required repetoire for my NY Phil and LSO auditions._ "  
  
" _I know but I thought that pop music wasn't your taste._ "  
  
" _K-pop is actually..._ " I put a finger to my chin. _What's the word?_ " _Uplifting. I may not understand what they're saying, but the feeling is just..._ "  
  
"Indescribable", Chaeyoung finishes my sentence.  
  
" _'[Je T'aime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owfTg-DNrhI) and [I Found Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfLFDUOdXVE) are my favorite songs_ ", I said while plucking out the lone earphone that hung in my left ear.  
  
" _Is it because you're in love?_ " Chaeyoung gives me _that_ face. It's almost as if she and Jeongyeon were sisters in a past life.  
  
I repositioned myself and snuggled my case in my arms," _The only relationship I'm in is with my fagott."_  
  
She sticks her tongue out at me, " _Nerd._ "  
  
"HEY!" I screamed out loud, flustered. " _What about you, smartass?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung plops her backpack in between her feet, fishes out a large black case and unveils pairs of various mallets, " _And this is only a few of many pairs. I_ _have enough sticks and mallets to fill up a large suitcase. They're practically my children._ "  
  
" _Why am I getting this sentiment about you and Jeongyeon being related?_ " I thought. Jeongyeon calls her timpani mallets her 'children' as well.  
  
" _That's because we are._ "  
  
My mind draws a long blank, "What?"  
  
" _Jeongyeon is my second cousin_ ", she expounds after twirling one of her drum sticks with her fingers, " _She's the daughter of my mom's cousin, who was my elementary school's band teacher. Jeongyeon is part of the reason why I play percussion instruments."_  
  
This fact sparks me with curious interest. Chaeyoung explains to me that Jeongyeon often came over to her house in San Francisco to bang on pots and pans and various tupperware when they were younger. Her ability to create harmony with questionable items is what sparked Chaeyoung's interest for percussion instruments. They attended the same elementary school in San Francisco's Mission District before Jeongyeon and her family moved to Brooklyn to begin middle school. Jeongyeon was the one who introduced Chaeyoung to her "Crack Squad".  
  
After answering my query, Chaeyoung abruptly gets up on her feet, " _Dammit, Mina. I now have the sudden urge to tap on things because of you._ "  
  
I'm not comprehending what she's trying to convey.  
  
" _I want to make music_ ", she simplifies.  
  
" _What are you going to do? All of the practice rooms are taken._ "  
  
" _Fuck that. I know of another place._ "

* * *

**The Twentieth Measure**

Chaeyoung is at it again — spontaneously playing in a wide, empty space within the main building. Jeongyeon is there too for some reason.  
  
There's a lone marimba lying in the vast stretch of Room 543 — the third floor orchestra studio where masterclasses are often carried out. Chaeyoung removes her footwear and rolls her sleeves up before gripping her mallets. She begins playing Keiko Abe's [_Dream of the Cherry Blossoms_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6XF1auV6kY), her initial audition piece for the Juilliard Orchestra except this time, it's not disjointed and discordant. Her interpretation is transfixing, bringing me into a fantastic realm caught in an expanse of progressively falling cherry blossoms. Her mallets strike the wooden bars in different forms — from as powerfully as flowers blossoming in vibrant colors in the springtime, to as delicately as the thinnest petals bursting out from lower branches of the tree in the fall. Chaeyoung is the grower and the instruments are her garden.  
  
Chaeyoung's smile when she's performing is incredible. It shows that she's fully immersing herself in the garden that she created with her illustruous strain of notes. Butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of her stomach and made a home within her music. Her smile is a ray of sunshine that gives a warm glow to the chilly practice space; her smile matches her earthy, mesmerizing performance.  
  
" _You're amazing_ ", I congratulate her.  
  
"Mina", Chaeyoung gestures in between the organization of her mallets, " _Since I have a new set of hearing aids, I want to hear you play._ "  
  
Shit. I saw this coming.  
  
"I want to hear bassoon-chan too!" Jeongyeon chimes in. _Oh my god._  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Oh yes you can", Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung urge simultaneously. _Jesus, it's like they can read each other's minds_. Chaeyoung is deaf too so this confuses me. But then again, there's only the three of us in this empty space and the only touch of noise is the sounds of our breathing.  
   
"My lips are chapped."  
  
"Then unchap them!" they speak concurrently _again_.  
  
"Don't be so modest", Jeongyeon grips both of my shoulders, "If you want to be first chair in the New York Philharmonic or the London Symphony Orchestra, you have to be a showoff — a superstar; a Prima donna. Play something lyrical. I want to hear your bassoon sing."  
  
Jeongyeon is right. How can you expect to grab the spotlight if you don't have the confidence? This thought takes me back to last night at the _Asian Invasion_. Somi facial expressions and sense of humor during her talk was captivating enough to put the audience in a state of trance. Nayoung and Yoojung came off charismatic with their powerful voices and vigorous dances. All three girls were comfortable in their own skin and it showed.  
  
_Fuck. If I can for thousands of spectators, I could play here, just for two people._  
  
Giving into their whim, I assembled my instrument then closed my eyes, waiting for a meaningful piece to hit me in the head. _[Bach — his first suite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyDFhRk04dU). _ I haven't played a piece that was anything  _but an assignment_  in a long time, so I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I'm staring at those two. But once the notes become apparent, I begin to relax. I'm not one for unplanned requests, but if I have my bassoon, I don't feel so stark.  
  
I initiate a quick warm up before _Bach_ , catching my breath until I'm ready for the reed.  
  
Playing in an open space changes me a bit. I feel alive and totally free, like a bird released from its cage. I'm breathing even though I'm mostly ejecting air from my lungs. Breath is what connects life to consciousness and unites the body to the mind. Bach always wanted a soloist to breathe with more imagination and freedom rather than being straight-forward. To most people, the high notes is what gives people goosebumps. For me, it's the low register. The deep, bass notes is what crawls down my spine and keeps me sane at the same time. They act as a refuge — a great escape from my parents, The Six, the numerous private instructors that I had to bear with when I was a child — everything.  
  
I open my eyes and they're clapping. Chaeyoung looks like she just might cry.  
  
"Your music is like good sex", Jeongyeon chuckles.  
  
I choke on my spit, "WHAT?"  
  
"Ha ha ha!" she wraps an arm around my neck, "That's a compliment, you know?"  
  
" _That was really beautiful",_ Chaeyoung's genuine smile is what sets the world back in rotation.  
  
" _Bach_ at it with that confidence again, ey?" Jeongyeon cracks a pun and I'm about to slap her in the face. "I never thought that I could enjoy his first suite on a bassoon rather than a cello. Don't tell Tzuyu I said that or else she'll push me down the stairs."  
  
_*RING*_  
  
NO.  
  
There goes that same ringing sound again — the high-pitched tone you get in the dead-center of your brain after a really loud concert or sporting event. It's my first tinnitus attack today. _I thought that the medications would be working. Why am I having it here, in this wide quiet room?_  
  
"Mina!" Jeongyeon jumps out, "Are you okay?"  
  
The ringing subsides and all that's left is the low whistle of tinnitus that follows.  
  
"Yeah", I said breathlessly, though I still feel like my voice is in another building.

* * *

**The Twenty-First Measure**

Three times a week before Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals, I took online ASL (American Sign Language) classes through Skype. Rehearsals were canceled due to the ongoing storm outside, causing me to hole myself inside Juilliard's cozy library with my MacBook and a bottled mocha frappucino from the vending machine. Ms. Jung is my instructor with horn-rimmed glasses and a slight Korean accent. She has two daughters: the eldest one is a voice major at Juilliard named Wheein. The youngest is Chaeyeon, an I.O.I member and a student at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts.  
  
"My goodness, Mina. You pick up things really fast. I think at this rate, I could give you the final exam", Ms. Jung compliments me, "Tell me, how do you learn things so fast? Is there somebody that you practice with? Is it correlated to how you master instruments within months?"  
  
"I... I have this friend", I spare the details about Chaeyoung. That girl isn't fond of her whereabouts being known after what The Six did to her.  
  
_*Ring*_  
  
The caller ID on my Skype displays Sana's phone number and the profile picture she took when we were in Paris, back when her hair was blonde and her cheeks were as squishy as a chipmunk's. Now her hair is black and absent of baby fat. She lost a lot of weight after the competition.  
  
"I don't mean to leave so soon, but my dear friend requests my presence."  
  
"Oh okay", Ms. Jung smiles, "We'll talk about your sign language exam during the next lesson."  
   
I hover my cursor over to the "answer with video" button and another window opens, Sana's face instantly popping on my screen. She looks tired, dark circles under her eyes only making her look pale in comparison. There's a ring-shaped scar in the center of her lips, almost as if she were deficient of blood. Judging by the wooden drawer and the dispersed blankets in the backdrop, Sana is most likely resting in her hotel room.   
  
"Good evening, little duck", she grins and it her lifts her cheekbones.  
  
I let the nickname slide, staring at her lips and the horn hickey in its center, "You're working too hard."  
  
"Says the one who blows her bassoon before the sun rises", she teases. I let that slide as well, because it's actually true.  
  
"Whatcha doin'?"  
  
"I'm— I'll catch up with you guys!" Sana turns her head to the side in response to two women, "Sorry, what was the question?"  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
Sana sighs, "Leelanee Sterrett and Sarah Willis — my hotel mates."  
  
"Holy shit", I choked on my frappucino. Those names she just mentioned are professional hornists. "You're performing with the big leagues?"  
  
"And Phil Myers, Gail Williams, Dale Clevenger, my uncle Takayuki from 'The President's Own', and three other hornists I can't remember the names of", her tongue darts out, "I was just on my way to dinner with them. Oh, and our pianist is Lang Lang!"  
  
_Freaking Lang Lang._  
  
My face falls when I hear the door close behind her, "Don't you want to go with them? I feel bad for holding you back."  
  
"I'd rather talk to you", her voice comes out high-pitched like a begging dog, "Not that I hate Lang Lang and the others; they're nice, wickedly talented, and I look up to all of them. But I'm the youngest in the ensemble and I don't understand 'adult talk' all too well."    
  
"I don't think anyone does", I put my drink down. My hands are wet from the condensation of the bottle.  
  
"Mina", Sana smiles sadly, "As I'm doing all of these sudden events, interviews, and performances, I think I'm starting to understand the pressure that you've been faced with before. I'm so focused in maintaining good image, trying to please everyone, not making mistakes and keeping up to acceptable standards during practices with Sterrett and the others. It's just... it's just..."  
  
"Overwhelming, isn't it?"  
  
She just might break into tears, "I think I'm just starting to learn what 'haters' are. I mean, I'm used to it because the SF Youth Orchestra members never liked me, but haters are different — they invest every ounce of their time into making your life miserable."  
  
"Sana. They're not worth it", I consoled, "They spend their time criticizing other people's lives because they refuse to correct their own."  
  
My body is trembling and heat is stinging my eyes. I think I'm about to cry too because I was in her state for years, and just recently in Paris too. To be so young and to have all these expectations and criticisms thrust upon you is devastating. You can’t let yourself breathe for a split second because everyone is vigilantly watching you like a hawk — noting everything you do wrong, focusing on the negatives rather than the positives, lingering on all of your mistakes rather than your accomplishments. No human deserves to live like that.  
  
Her eyes fixate on my mouth, "You look sad."  
  
I buried my face in my hand, "I had a lot going on."  
  
"I heard", she speaks through slackened lips, "It was on the news. That's also why I didn't go out with them. I don't want to drink tonight."  
  
"It's not just that. My hear—"  
  
In a flash, Sana's face disappears and a pop-up discloses that I've lost all internet access. _That's weird. Juilliard is known for their superb wi-fi reception._ Then my eyes evaded my MacBook screen to see that the library is pitch black. Not a single trace of sound was made by another human being. I came to the realization that my MacBook was the only device giving light. There's a blackout at school, and it's all because of the storm.  
  
Another factor hits me: I'm not just alone — I'm alone, in the fucking dark. I **hate** the dark.  
  
I closed my MacBook and tucked in the spare pocket of my bassoon case before checking my phone, seeing that I still enough battery to use the flashlight app. It's pitch black in here and I couldn't breathe, believing that someone was choking me. I gently took my bassoon case and slinged the straps over my shoulders like a backpack, taking my frappucino drink in one hand and my phone in the other.   
  
My heart is running a marathon with every step I take in the blackness of the library. There were instances where it seemed that the world was slowly disappearing in front of me. I wanted to curl up into a ball in the corner and sleep until the blackout was over, but this facility is boundless and there's no way in hell I can close my eyes comfortably knowing that I could get strangled at any sec—  
  
"BOO!"  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" I feel a hand on my neck and it makes me jump out of fear. My frappucino bottle escapes my grip at the same time.  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" I turn around and suddenly, all I see is Jeongyeon heartily laughing at my horrified complexion. Everything else falls away. "Holy shit, bassoon-chan. You're so cute when you're scared."  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I cried, still hyperventilating in shock.  
  
"Hah! I'm so sorry, Mina!" Jeongyeon pulls me into a warm hug, still chuckling out loud, "I thought that it'd be funny!"  
  
I pounded her chest, which is shielded by layers of shirts, "You're such a jerk."  
  
"You're done with your ASL class, right? Come join us upstairs", she tugs my free arm, "We're preparing for an outreach performance and Jihyo's group needs a bassoonist."  
  
"Outreach performance?"  
  
"Chaeyoung and I are going to do a percussion duet", Jeongyeon explains, "Jackson, Eunha, Momo, Yugyeom, Jihyo, Yuju, Tzuyu, Sowon, Dahyun, Umji, Nayeon, and Minyoung are playing  _Appalachian Spring_. The piece calls for a bassoonist and Yerin, SinB, Mark, and Junior can't do it."  
  
"So that leaves me, huh?"  
  
"I've also been hoping that this performance will give you the opportunity to you know, uplift your spirits", Jeongyeon grins, "Will you do it?"  
  
I take a moment to ponder on this. I still have to prepare for my NY Phil and LSO auditions in the spring, but outreach performances are great resume boosters and only come few and far between. Not only are these performances beneficial to a musician's career; they're incredibly rewarding.  
  
_Appalachian Spring_ is a beautiful piece too.  
  
"Alright. I'll do it", I tell her.

* * *

**The Twenty-Second Measure**

Our practice session for next week's outreach performance drags on for the entire night that we're trapped in the main building. The silver moonlight washed through the glass walls and poured into the room, not enough to ignite the space, but enough for us to look at our score.   
  
Minyoung is on piano; Jackson, Eunha, Momo, and Yugyeom are on violin; Jihyo and Yuju on viola; Tzuyu and Sowon on cello; Dahyun as our lone double bassist; Umji on flute; Nayeon on clarinet; and me on bassoon. Yuju, who is a voice major and one of the second violinists in the Juilliard Pops Orchestra, volunteered to accompany first violist Jihyo as the second violist — another instrument she dabbled on in her free time. Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung, who are performing a percussion duet together, departed to a different room on the same floor as us.  
  
Everyone voted on having Jihyo as the de facto leader of our ensemble. She and her well-trained ear and nit-picking on balance and technique while Momo makes suggestions on style and flow here and there. It surprises me how much Momo contributes to this group with her philosophy and knowledge on expression. I initially thought that she was just a dork with an undying passion for food.  
  
"I believe that the _Simple Gifts_ part should be made into a solo", Momo advocates while looking at her own score.  
  
"Why?" Yugyeom questions.  
  
"Because it's called _Simple Gifts_ , hence the word 'simple'."  
  
"I think what she's trying to convey is that we shouldn't overcomplicate this passage with all of our instruments playing at once", Umji reiterates while running a rag through her flute, "It'll defeat the purpose of this song's message."  
  
"Then who will do the solo?" Jackson asks smugly, implying himself before Eunha flicks him on his forehead with her fingers.  
  
"I vote for Mina", Sowon enthusiastically declares.  
  
"Me?" my reed escapes from my mouth. It's one of my shittier reeds because I'm saving the good ones for our performance.  
  
"Yes, princess. You", Dahyun uses her lips to point at me.  
  
Yuju, Eunha, Tzuyu, and Umji gather in, "We vote for Princess Mina too."  
  
_Goddammit Dahyun._  
  
"Jeongyeon showed us your _Bach_ from a few hours ago", Nayeon waves her phone in the air, indicating that the sneaky timpanist must've taken a video of me playing in front of her and Chaeyoung. _It's a trap._ _I'm going to stick this reed up her ass next time she walks into this room._    
  
Wait a minute. Maybe Jeongyeon is trying to do something good for me.  
  
"So where is this outreach performance going to take place?" I ask them.  
  
Dahyun is just chuckling in her stool like a bumbling idiot, "You'll find out, Your Highness."

* * *

**BONUS (Part 1/2 of Sana's Performance)**  
  
Friday: January 22, 2021  
  
The weather is amiable on the morning of the presidential inauguration. The crowd was especially grateful for the sun finally shining above the sky after dreadful clouds have been obscuring it for weeks. A cool breeze reminded everyone that they're still in the middle of the winter season, but it wasn't so bad as compared to the blizzard in New York and other surrounding states.   
  
The newly-elected, democratic president made his way outside, donned in a formal suit and walking beside his wife, The First Lady. The musical ensemble that he arranged sat in the row in front of him, Sana sitting in the far right of the group with her hair in an elegant side ponytail and her body draped in a stunning red dress made of soft, satiny fabric. The other women wore the same while the men sported full black tuxes.  
  
While the United States Marine Band was performing their four [_ruffles and flourishes_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLWWXFHdJGE) and the vice president was taking his oath of office, Sana's knees buckled together in anxiousness. She never thought that she could be this nervous, but who wouldn't when there's a cameraman on your right and an amplifer dangling above your section's heads? Not only that, but the entire nation has their eyes on her and the other performers. Outside of the White House are hundreds of thousands of spectators, all wearing heavy coats and waving miniature to life-sized versions of the American flag, directing their eyes on the important figure sitting in the row behind her. Later their eyes will all be on her and the other musicians.  
  
_*tap*_  
  
"Huh?" Sana's eyes flickered from the crowd to her uncle Takayuki Uenobori of _The President's Own._  
  
"You don't have to think of this performance as payment to the public", her uncle squeezed her cold hand, "Just play for you and your family."  
  
Sana's eyes wandered the premises until the familiar sight of her mother caught her stinging eye. She was standing in the front row of the American crowd since five o'clock in the morning, holding her stance just to see her daughter perform. The tension and anxiety that dawdled minutes ago seemed to wither within seconds as happiness and warmth creeped all over Sana's soul.    
  
Then she took heed to her mother's words at the cemetery and looked up at the sky — an unbroken backdrop of blue with a flock of birds performing a beautifully choreographed dance, pairs of wings swooping in the chilly air as the essence of life. The birds reminded her of her father: a portrait of his colorful and inspiring life, reflecting his love for music. He was able to smile and revel in the joys of life even in his final days.   
  
After a minute or so of respectful silence, it's time for them to perform.   
  
Aaron Copland's [_Promise of Living_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLVyRvp2Qbg). On this day, the choral anthem and orchestral suite had been transformed and arranged by prodigious composer Seohyun for piano and eight horns. The message is embedded in the title — don't feel hopeless because difficult times will lead to better days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The President's Own - Also The United States Marine Band, it is the premier band of the United States Marine Corps. Established by act of Congress on July 11, 1798, it is the oldest of the United States military bands and the oldest professional musical organization in the United States.
> 
> Section Leaders - Section Leaders are decision-makers and usually the best player in his/her instrumental section. In addition, all section leaders are principal players. Their jobs include possessing good interpersonal and communication skills, working in conjunction with other Section Leaders and the staff members, organizing and leading sectional rehearsals, providing coaching to their section members, attend meetings, and more. They may also be required to learn the music earlier than the rest of the members.


	26. lacrimoso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.  
> \----  
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and I'll give you a synopsis of this chapter. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_lacrimoso_  
Origin: Italian  
Tearfully (i.e. sadly)

  
** **

**The Twenty-Third Measure**

Monday: January 25, 2021  
  
After calling her dad to transfer the percussion instruments, Jeongyeon squeezed all fourteen of us into her dad's fifteen-passenger van en route to our performance location. Yugyeom was too focused on strategically packed the trunk compiled of violas, violins, Umji's flute, and Nayeon's clarinet, that he forgot all about the larger instruments as soon as he simmered down to me, Tzuyu, Sowon, and Dahyun. Traveling on a fifteen-seated vehicle may not sound like a nightmare at first glance, but add onto the fact that we have our instruments (including two cellos (or celli) and Dahyun's double bass) and you get a madhouse. Jackson was complaining about leg room and his claustrophobic tendencies for the full twenty-minute ride, and then my tinnitus hit five minutes before our final destination. The trek felt like an eternity in these circumstances.  
  
"Holy shit", I said under my breath as I watched the Manhattan Skyline become obscured by fencing installments, "Where the hell are we going?"  
  
"We're going to prison", Dahyun snickered.  
  
My eyes grew in fear, "We're performing at a freaking prison?"  
  
"Yup!"   
  
"Are you crazy?" I yelled, "We're going to get mauled!"  
  
"It's not that bad, Mina", Tzuyu tries to assure me, "The inmates are actually pretty cool people. Dahyun knows this place because of her cousin."  
  
Jeongyeon parked the van four blocks off the actual location and we wound off lugging our instruments up this steep concrete hill, in our damn concert outfits. The ringing sensation sustained in my left ear as I was trudging up this hill in Louboutin heels and my case on my back. Halfway through the climb, my head spinned and I tripped on my dress twice from the vertigo. Chaeyoung and Nayeon had to stop to support me.  
  
I caught up with everyone else and we were greeted by this tall prison guard with large breasts and a harsh, cold demeanor.  
  
"Welcome to the Queens Correctional Facility", she huffed, shuffling her boots, "You guys are the Juilliard kids from their Community Engagement Program, I suspect. Once you reach the security checkpoint, you will be asked to remove your bags and have them screened before advancing."  
  
The procedure played out similarily to TSA's at the airport — instrument cases were plopped onto plastic holders and moved down a conveyor belt under an imaging processor. Those with larger instruments had their cases seized by the security guards for a separate screening process, only to be returned after their respective owners complete the pat-down procedure and the metal detector walk-through.  
  
"You with the red hair", a blonde, thirty-something year-old checkpoint officer gestures me to come forward, "Do you do drugs?"  
  
"Huh?" I cocked my head. Jeongyeon and the others are cackling in the backdrop.  
  
"Is this a bong?" he's holding my bassoon case.  
  
I'm inwardly panicking because it's open and it's freezing outside, "That's not a bong; that's my instrument!"  
  
"Surely, you'll prove that during the performance", luckily, the officer closes my case, throws it back in my arms, and the weight catches me off balance. "Penal code three-o-five-point-twenty-five: anyone caught with contraband will be arrested immediately."  
  
"Oh lord", I rolled my eyes, trailing behind Dahyun, Tzuyu, and Sowon.  
  
That same guard with the breasts declared that our schedule would play out like this: Lunchtime first, then rehearsals at three, dinnertime at six, and lastly our performance at eight. Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung will go first and then Jihyo's group will finish it off.  
  
The prison cafeteria reeks of taco sauce and melamine proliferated everything — from the counters and tables with peeled edges to the tileboards that haven't been disinfected properly. Female prisoners dashed past us and advanced towards the dismal servers like slaughterhouse pigs earning their first decent meal in forty days. The food wasn't as sloppy or inhumane as I thought, but I'm not a fan of tacos and lunch was overall bland. The vegetables were spongy, the meat was chewy and distasteful, and the taco shell has an unfresh, aerated quality to them.  
  
Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung left early to transport their instruments, leaving me with Nayeon and the rest until Dahyun drags me out of my comfort zone and establishes me in a different table. The three other girls at the table turned out to be close to Dahyun, and one of them is the supposed cousin that Tzuyu was talking about earlier. Frankly, these girls seemed sweet and unfit for a prison, but some people turn out to be great actors.  
  
"This is Bona, my cousin as well as Jeongyeon and Momo's classmate", Dahyun introduces for me before leaving, "And these are her friends, Yeoreum and SeolA. I'll see you later, princess!"  
  
"DUBU, WAIT—"  
  
Yeoreum hunches over her food and gazes intensely into my eyes, "Do you have a girlfriend?"  
  
"What?" I paused  
  
"You look like a lesbian", SeolA quirks.  
  
"HEY!" I shouted, dropping my fork.   
  
"Don't mind them. They're high", Bona gives the two girls a disapproving glare, "On milk."  
  
"Oh sweetie pie, don't be shy. I'm complimenting you. All of us are lesbians", SeolA boldly proclaimed to me, taking Bona in one arm and Yeoreum in the other, "Back in my Manhattan School of Music days as a voice major, I did one-night stands with every type of female musician: from strings to woodwind to brass to percussion— well, maybe not bassoonists. Bassoonists are a rare commodity, especially cute girls like you. I've always wanted to try 'doing' a double reed, because I know that they're great with wood."  
  
Bona forces a hand on SeolA's face, "Enough talk about your music school sex observations."  
  
"Bassoon?" Yeoreum gapes at my case sitting under the table, "Is that the one that looks like a bong?"  
  
"IT'S NOT A BONG!" I restated, frustrated.  
  
"So are you a lesbian? Because I'm feeling single today", Yeoreum rehashed, her narrow eyes wide open.  
  
"Okay, stop!" Bona puts down her utensils and confiscates their unfinished cartons, "No more milk until you finish your fucking tacos. We're not trying to make our honorable guest uncomfortable, so both of you, stop trying to flirt with Mina!"  
  
Those two girls have a point, though — I am sexually confused. Chaeyoung and Sana's kisses are very comforting, and have influenced me to contemplate about who I am as a person more. Perhaps that's why Sana asked me to kiss her at the ball; perhaps that's why Chaeyoung challenged me to kiss her after watching _Heartstrings_. Being an artist in a diverse school swayed me to love gay culture and perhaps even become a part of it.  
  
Hold up. Am I confused? Or am I just terrified?  
  
Oh god. I'm about to shed a tear. _Don't cry in front of them, Mina. Don't._  
  
"So..." I began, trying not to let the awkward atmosphere swallow up our space, "How did you all end up in here?"  
  
"My father hid some illegal drugs in my apartment complex before he left me", SeolA explains while playing with her meat, "Yeoreum ate restaurant leftovers from trash cans because she's homeless and can't afford food. Restaurant owners were infuriated and called the police on her."  
  
"This was two months ago", Yeoreum chipped in, "I don't get out until next year. SeolA has thirteen more years."  
  
"Just for stealing food and drug possession?"  
  
"It's the system. Go America, right?" Bona says sarcastically.  
  
"Ha ha ha!" SeolA is just laughing her emotions off as if her situation wasn't a big deal to her, which it probably is, "And I don't even get out until I'm thirty-four! Just imagine that all this time that I'll be locked up in here, I could've been doing something more fun like hanging out with my friends. But I'm not going to let myself miss out on life even though I'm behind bars; I'm going to make friends here and pick up a lot of hobbies."  
  
"Me too!" Yeoreum exclaimed.  
  
They're sound so optimistic but something tells me that they're hurting inside, and I can't help but feel a pang of sorrow.  
  
I sniffled the tears away, "I'm jealous of how strong you guys are."  
  
"As long as we have each other, we'll prevail", Yeoreum flashes a toothy smile.  
  
"This facility isn't like other prisons. We're lucky to be here instead of somewhere else", Bona upholds, "Society believes that we're barbarics and that we don't deserve a second chance. They shun us because part of their taxes is being directed towards prisons. Of course, that's not to say that the inmate didn't do anything wrong and is not guilty at all, and there are certainly people who commit serious crimes that don't deserve all the leniency. However, society generalizes _all_ inmates, including the 'non-violent' and the 'non-dangerous' offenders, into one category."  
  
"I read in a book that prisoners become even more violent after they're released", SeolA brings up, sobering down from that one dozen of mini milk cartons that she and Yeoreum consumed, "The book talks about an activist who became a murderer after his release."  
  
"Why do you think that is?" I ask out of curiosity.  
  
"That's because there are modern-day prisons teach inmates to view others as enemies and to harm them", Bona answers for them, "Who teaches them that? The guards. When guards physically and mentally abuse other inmates on a daily basis for their wrongdoings, the inmates will feel inclined to answer back with violence. The system is packing prisoners up like sardines, abusing them instead of educating and improving them, and then returning them to our society worse off than when they're admitted. Our incarceraton rates are seven times higher than other countries."  
  
"What she's saying is that when said inmate is released, they wound up back in prison because they cause more violence", Yeoreum simplifies.  
  
"But not here", SeolA comments, "The Queens Correctional Facility teaches us about reform, individual accountability, and responsibility. They want to transform our lives in a positive way; a way that teaches us to have respect and compassion for others and to do valuable deeds for our communities. It's not rewarding poor behavior, it's having a balance of correction and redirection."  
  
"And that's how all prisons should be — turning inmates' lives around", Bona expresses her opinion, "People are missing a huge opportunity to generate a greater good to society because they're putting others in prison, mainly for non-violent crimes, and turning them into dangerous beasts. If anything, the uninformed are the ones that are imprisoned — caught in a delusion that punishes society instead of improving it."  
  
Wow. I was not expecting this kind of response from them at all.  
  
"I'm just curious but how did you end up in here?" I ask Bona, "You seem too sensible to wind up behind bars."  
  
"I'll give you my reason later, Mina", Bona speaks in a low voice. 

* * *

**The Twenty-Fourth Measure**

I couldn't concentrate during rehearsals. That over-the-table conversation with Bona, Yeoreum, and SeolA infused me with conflicting emotions — I want to root for them because they have so many ambitions and goals they want to pursue after they're released. Yet at the same time, I'm afraid of getting too close to them because listening to their hardships renders me teary-eyed. At the beginning, I suspected that these prisoners were going to be abhorrent and malicious, but that wasn't the case at all. They're not low-lives. These three girls are just as human as everyone outside of these walls, and they want an identity. Prison brings out the best and the worst of people, but so far, I've only seen the best and most intelligent.  
  
"Stop!" Jihyo orders, tapping her viola's bow against the rim of her music stand, "The bassline here is a little too feeble."  
  
_Oh fuck._ I'm suspecting that she's pointing out my loss of concentration, "I'm sorry."  
  
_*growls*_  
  
_UGGGGHHHHH_  
  
"Mina, did you eat anything at all today?" Eunha asks me out of concern, her violin's bow in one hand and a rosin in the other.  
  
"Not really", I mumbled. I lended my unfinished taco to Bona.  
  
"Maybe Mina was expecting something more appetizing?" Yuju suggests.  
  
"What were you expecting? Filet mignon?" Jackson teases me and I want to smack him because I'm not in the mood to be bantered with.  
  
Eunha nudged Jackson and gave him a warning finger, "Don't."  
  
"Let's take ten", Minyoung suggests from behind the grand piano, flipping the pages and docking down some notes on her music score with a mechanical pencil, "It will give Mina some time to regain her focus, and I'd like to explore this prison even more."  
  
"Mina", Jihyo fixates her gaze at me with a soft smile, "When we get to your solo feature, you don't have to pay attention to what's on the score. Just play as freely as you want: make up the tempo, dynamics, articulations — whatever. Just go for it and we'll improvise off of you."  
  
I raised my eyebrows skeptically, "Are you sure about that?"  
  
"We're artists; not robots", Momo chuckles, sliding a block of amber rosin over her bow, "Our job is to expect the unexpected."  
  
About another ten minutes into rehearsal, our group takes ten and left their instruments in the mult-purpose room with Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung. I decided to stay behind and focus on the solo feature that I was assigned, sitting in front of the music stand with a pencil in one hand and my bassoon in the other. Eventually, I threw my pencil aside and attempted to play the solo without looking at my score. I experimented with vibrato and different dynamics, extending a few notes here and there. But no matter what, I wasn't satisfied with the results and the dissatisfaction was getting to my head. A whirring headache prevented me from practicing efficiently, and I was starting to become lightheaded with every blow.  
  
_I could convey emotion and perform effortlessly in front of Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung last Friday, so why am I having such a hard time with this?_  
  
Tinnitus randomly hits me again after three run-throughs. The pain in my head is tormenting, like the old Chinese water torture. Dr. McIntosh told me that tinnitus often occurs when one is under pressure. The more stressed I am, the louder and more agonizing it gets. Peace and quiet don't exist even in the most soundproof areas, because the ringing sensation will always be there as long as I'm stressed.  
  
"Mina?" the sound of Dahyun's voice clears my mind and locks away my crunching thoughts, "You're still here?"  
  
"It's annoying, I know", I sighed, "The same passage over and over aga—"  
  
"I didn't say that it was annoying", Dahyun interrupts, snagging the empty seat next to me — the chair where Nayeon is supposed to sit for our performance, "You just sound so restrained all of a sudden. It's the complete antithesis of your performance for Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung."  
  
"I..." hearing those words shattered me on the inside because it's true; I'm not having fun with this solo and I still feel imprisoned in my own metaphorical cell, "I didn't expect to have such a hard time here. Normally, we would just rehearse and get our performance over with, but then you introduced me to your cousin and her friends. I initially had bad thoughts about performing in a prison because I expected the worst out of inmates, but having a conversation with Bona and the other girls changed my mind and I can't help but feel guilty for misjudging them."  
  
"At least you're aware. It must've taken a lot of courage for you to admit what you did, so I applaud you for that", Dahyun's voice is abnormally serious and honest, unlike most days where she's just cheery and bright.  
  
"I'm sorry for being judgmental earlier", I sulked in my seat, "I guess I'm not that different from my family after all."  
  
"Don't beat yourself up. Bona told me that people, like you and me, are imperfect, but change is not static. And that's what Bona and her friends aim to do here — to make a difference in their lives and other people's lives", Dahyun stood up from Nayeon's chair and motioned towards her own seat, where her double bass is resting next to the legs of her stool, "People like  _Simple Gifts_  because it's about simplicity. The pace of our world is so fast and people are complicated because we all have different experiences, but difference isn't not necessarily a bad thing. Uniqueness is priceless."  
  
"Thanks for that", I said while depositing my bassoon in its stand, "I'm just wondering, but was your journey of coming out difficult?"  
  
Her eyes widen in shock, "Are you looking for inspiration for your solo? Or are you actually...?"  
  
"Talking with Bona and the others had me really look at myself more", I admitted.  
  
Dahyun sets her bow down, "I don't think I'm the right person to be answering that question. My parents were accepting of the whole idea of me being a lesbian and agreed that we should evacuate to New York before attending school in fucking Texas, so I had an easy-ass journey."  
  
"Where in Texas did you grow up again?"  
  
"College Station", she answered, "Not all Texans are bad and there are progressive cities within the state. But I grew up in a conservative town where conversion therapy is acceptable and kids are harassed for coming out of the closet. It's a shitstorm. You don't want to live there."   
  
I reclined in my chair, "I'm glad I don't. But frankly, I'm surprised that your parents accepted you for being a lesbian."  
  
"I have two gay dads", she spilled, twirling a pink strand of hair out of her multicolored head, "I'm adopted."  
  
_That's why_. I thought in my head, but didn't say aloud.  
  
"Hasn't it been more than ten minutes already?" Dahyun laughs audibly, "Where the hell is our group?"  
  
I shrugged, "I don't know."  
  
"Still need some inspiration, princess?" she steadies the enormous weight of her double bass, tuning its strings. Dahyun then draws her bow across her instrument's thick strings and deep, earthy sounds make out of it. Even though she's just warming up, the low notes make me quiver in awe.  
  
"You should play the solo", I murmured, repositioning my bassoon in my hands.  
  
Dahyun's bowing arm halts, "We assigned you that solo for a reason."

* * *

**The Twenty-Fifth Measure**

Dinnertime commenced with cheeseburgers and potato chips. I situated myself in Bona's table because I had a premonition that Jackson would make fun of me for eating "common" food instead of filet mignon. _Please. Like meat is the only thing that's keeping me scatheless._  
  
The four of us talked about books, the media, social politics, mental health, our music tastes, our cultures, our dreams, and even with SeolA's musician-dating whims and Yeoreum's occasional anecdotes about the fancy foods that she ate off of trash cans, this is probably one of the most stimulating dinner conversations I've ever had. It wasn't about making comparisons to other people about their careers or talents; we were sharing our opinions and giving advice to each other in a neighborly manner. There is no squabbling here.  
  
"I long for the day that I'm not matching clothes with anybody else", Yeoreum giggles, tugging on the fabric of her decreed orange prison uniform.  
  
"I just might go back to singing, or maybe learn an instrument", SeolA said with determination, "There are instrumental and voice courses offered here."  
  
"This facility offers really cool classes, huh? I can't afford college but at least I can get my education here", Yeoreum affirms enthusiastically, flinging her arms in the air and leaning back in her chair, "I'm taking courses in social work and sociology because I want to empower those who are injusticed. I got kicked out of my home because of my sexuality and I don't want others to go through my experience."  
  
"That's awesome", I smiled at them, "Do what you're passionate about."  
  
This specific facility is really cool. It allows inmates to press a "reset" button.  
  
I turned to Bona, "What do you plan to do once you're released?"  
  
"I'll tell you", she calls after finishing her meal, "Remember the question that you asked me at lunchtime? Come with me."  
  
Bona leads me astray from the other inmates, past a hallway that consists of services such as counseling and first-aid, and into an empty cell with two bunk beds. That cell is where she, Yeoreum, SeolA, and another unnamed roomate reside for the duration of their incarceration. Bona motions me to sit in the bottom bunk while she fishes for something out of her locker, where she keeps things that she had accumulated over time, for instance Gatorade and tampons. She explains to me that inmates carry out odd jobs around the facility and are given an allowance, then they're allowed to use their earnings to purchase items from various kiosks within the building, each one pertaining to different needs.  
  
"Want one?" in Bona's case, it's cigars. She bought an ice cream cone to trade for cigarettes that were smuggled in by one of the other inmates.  
  
I shook my head, "I can't. Not for my profession."  
  
"Oh, duh. Woodwind", she realized, stuffing the cigar back in its box. "Sorry about that."  
  
Her face was impassive, like her mind was wandering off in another spatial plane. Bona pulled up the thick blanket to wrap around her shivering body, only safeguarded from her thin, orange shirt and pants. From the window, the moonlight projected its watery, silver rays onto the golden-haired girl, bathing and illuminating her pale skin. She swallowed before speaking.   
  
"The reason why I'm here", Bona began, "Is because I'm a bad parent."  
  
"Parent?" her words throw me off guard. She looks way too young to have kids of her own, at least judging by her baby face.  
  
"You're going to hate me after I tell you this. But since you asked, I'll explain", Bona smiles excrutiatingly, then chugging down a bottle of Gatorade like a drunk woman, "I'm an accidental teen mom, and I'm in prison because I was caught drinking irresponsibly and neglecting my daughter."  
  
My breath caught in my throat, a huge shock of adrenaline surging through my body as familiar pictures from my childhood flashed in my mind.  
  
"Mina, I'm sorry", her voice cracked slightly, "I know about your familial situation and I'm very darn sure that if I were in your shoes, I would've hated my parents too. I love my daughter and I'd give her the world. But at that time period, I was undergoing a lot of stress because I was balancing schoolwork with parenting and I turned to alcohol as a getaway from my problems. Go ahead and hate me for it. I deserve it."  
  
"What's her name?" I asked, "And when was she born."  
  
"My daughter, Sungyeon, is six years-old right now", she answered, "I gave birth to her on the twenty-ninth of December. I was sixteen years-old."  
  
_So her daughter has the same birthday as Sana._  
  
"How did you become pregnant?" the question slipped out of my mouth.  
  
"My stupid drunk ass can't remember, but I all I can recall is being at one of those high school parties with my ex-boyfriend", she's about to break into tears at this point and I absolutely have no words, "I told him that I was late and then a couple of positive results later, I realized that I was without a doubt, pregnant. I just cried. And he cried. He broke up with me because he was too embarrassed to be dating a teen mom. And then after being labeled as a "slut" and a "whore" at my school, I turned to drinking and forgot about my daughter. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?"  
  
"Jesus", I took in a shuddering breath.  
  
"I know. I'm a fucking idiot", Bona cried, dropping the Gatorade bottle to cradle her face in her hands. It hurt me to see her like this.   
  
I couldn't bring myself to hate her. Bona seems so sweet and so open-minded after what she had experienced. She even admitted how foolish she was for neglecting her child underage drinking, and she even said that she loves her daughter. My parents never apologized for their wrongdoings, nor did they ever utter those three significant words that a child would normally hear from their parents.  
  
"I'm sorry", I said remorsefully, "I shouldn't be asking you all of this."  
  
"Don't apologize", she insisted, consuming the last couple drops of her Gatorade drink, "I needed to get it out of my head somehow. And besides, I'm not in the right for ignoring my child and drinking alcohol. You hate me now, don't you?"  
  
I gave her shoulder an assuring hand, "I don't hate you."  
  
Bona looked at me aghast, "Why?"  
  
"You're aware of your misconduct, and it must've taken a lot of courage for you to admit what you did", somehow, Dahyun's exact words escaped from my lips, "And like you said, we're not perfect. But that doesn't mean that we can't change the course of our lives."  
  
"Mina..."  
  
"And plus, I feel bad for you because of the name-calling that you've experienced in high school", I added, "Those people are insensitive and shouldn't be using those words so casually. It's such nasty, negative word choice."  
  
"Thanks for understanding", Bona attempts to toss her empty bottle into the trash can, just missing the center by an inch and toppling to the ground instead, "It's ironic how we can console and take care of other people, but not ourselves."  
  
"For a long time, I've been my worst critic", I confessed.  
  
Sana and Chaeyoung are like this too — they can give healthy advice to their friends but they can't do it for themselves.  
  
I tried to change the topic because I don't want to cry before my performance, "Didn't SeolA state that you were a lesbian?"  
  
Bona chuckles, propping herself up from her bed to pick up the fallen Gatorade bottle and deposit it into the trash can, "When you've been in prison with only women, it really makes you think. But I'm still sexually confused. I've only been experimenting with other girls here."  
  
Bona and I are not so much different after all.  
  
"Mina", her voice dropped an octave, "Are you like, not straight?"  
  
_Oh god. Not this question._  
  
My whole life, my relatives have pushed the idea of "being straight is great" down my throat. I may be living with my nicer aunt, uncle, and grandmother now, but it doesn't help me to feel at ease because they're conservative and religious. My family has a "group-minded" culture with twofold psyche of sexuality and gender, which is enforced from the day that we’re born.  
  
Even before parents have children, they ponder about which color clothing and what kind of toys are considered socially acceptable for the baby. They would think that blue is for boys and pink is for girls, similarly to how  _Pokémon_  is for boys and _Sailor Moon_  is for girls. In my experience as a musician, girls are persuaded to play "delicate" instruments like the flute or the clarinet, whereas boys swayed towards "manlier" instruments like brass instruments. Sana and Chaekyung stressed to me that they feel irritated when the men in their section don't take them seriously, just because of their gender and the nature of their instruments.  
  
The eldest cousin from my father's side called for conversion therapy when she found out that my niece declared herself as bisexual. The distressed look on her face when I met her at one family reunion was heartbreaking. She's thirteen years-old. It's fucked up. And what if they make me go through the same process as my niece? I don't know how I can live.  
  
"I..." I sighed audibly, "I don't know."  
  
It's true. I really don't know what I am.  
  
"Just take your time", Bona smiles, holding my hand and it makes me blush madly, "Embrace the journey and enjoy it. Humans are more complex and beautiful than anticipated and that calls for celebration, not fear and restriction. You don't have to fit in; you were born to stand out."  
  
_Why am I blushing?_  
  
She squeezes my hand tighter and my chest shudders, "You're a beautiful person no matter what. Not just on the outside, but on the inside."  
  
"Okay..." I choked.  
  
"Oh shit", Bona remembers, "I forgot to answer your question at dinnertime."  
  
"No, it's fine. I—"  
  
"What I'm going to do once I'm released, right?" she cuts in, "I'm going to see Sungyeon again, and I'm going to become the mother that she never had. I will love her and praise her and ensure that she is the happiest human being alive."  
  
_Oh god. Why am I crying?  
  
Don't cry, Mina.  
  
Don't—_  
  
"Oh no! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make things emotional!" Bona shouted in fear, bringing me forward into her embrace. I couldn't hold the tears back. I weeped heavily, my tears blinding my vision, unable to grasp the figure that just entered through the door.   
  
"Bona, I need to borrow Mina", I hear Dahyun's voice from my left ear.  
  
"Don't treat her like an object!" she grabs a hold of my arm and tugs me closer to her chest.  
  
Dahyun takes a good look at the mess that I've become, "Fucking shit, cousin. You made Mina cry ten minutes before our performance?"  
  
Bona nodded.  
  
"Oh, dear", Dahyun exhales, hauling me away from Bona, "C'mon, Mina. Your lover (referring to my bassoon) is waiting for you."  
  
"Good luck, you guys!" Bona yelps.

* * *

**The Twenty-Sixth Measure**

Once the performance began, I knew that it would be the last time I'll see Bona, Yeoreum, and SeolA ever again.  
  
_[The Seal Lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPevEXrNjgI)_  is originally written for choir, much like Whitacre's other works. I wouldn't mind singing it to my own children, if I plan to have any.  
  
Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung's duet has an warmhearted, hypnotic quality to it, much like a lullaby. The tame softness of Jeongyeon's marimba and the steadfast reverbration of Chaeyoung's vibraphone indicates a dialogue between a mother and her child respectfully. Whitacre pictured the communication between a baby seal and a mother seal when he devised this piece, the opposing temperaments of the marimba and vibraphone conveying a sweet tone poem, allowing listeners to conceptualize the profound love between a mother and her baby.    
  
Combined with Bona's words from earlier, the duet moves me to tears. Seeing my classmates hold their mother's hands while walking home made me envious. Whenever I run into moms with their kids at Central Park or the playground at Teardrop Park, those who appear like healthy mothers, it chokes me in surprise. The idea that compassion is so natural for some moms makes me wonder why I'm still longing for a motherly figure.  
  
Copland's [_Appalachian Spring_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJYVH_kZkOk) is next and I'm still trying to get my shit together with a mascara applicator in one hand and a stray tear on my cheek. I ended up leaving the makeup works to Sowon, who is total salvation when it comes to spiffying up someone in under one minute.  
  
From sitting center stage left on the facility's auditorium, even with this sea of orange, I could see Bona, Yeoreum, and SeolA sitting in the front row with makeshift signs that they designed in some crafts making course within the prison. Their chipper expressions puts my inner thoughts at ease, followed by Sowon, Yuju, and Umji mouthing words of encouragement at me from their seats. (Sowon said something along the lines of "You're so sexy.") I glanced at Nayeon and Dahyun, whom I sat in between, and they gave me reassuring smiles. I returned the favor.  
  
Yuju, Momo, Jihyo, and Yugyeom start off the piece in soft, low tones, followed by an exquisite trade-off solo with Nayeon's euphonic clarinet and Umji's silvery, soaring flute and decorated by the silky undercurrents from the string section. When my part comes — low and tender yet lofty passages — it feels like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I think of today and those substantial conversations with Bona, Yeoreum, SeolA, and Dahyun. Letting out my underlying feelings is such a huge relief, and listening to Bona's after-prison goals sparks a light of hope.   
  
Speaking of Bona and the others, I peered at them from behind my bassoon and their faces are painted with jovial smiles.  
  
I licked my lips and returned with the prancing strings and Minyoung's gentle piano accompaniment, trying not to let myself get distracted. In the lighter and more elated measures, everyone in the ensemble is sharing contagious smiles with each other and it infects the audience of inmates, who are filled with joy. Dahyun, Tzuyu, Sowon, and I continue to provide depth to the other musicians with our low-pitched instruments.  
  
When [_Simple Gifts_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYi9Vr8bHJY) comes along, the ensemble mellows down and Nayeon pokes my shoulder.  
  
"You're going to do great", she whispered under the hushed warble of violins.

The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.  
  
I inhaled deeply and the solo comes out just as I had imagined, swaying like a gentle breeze in a moonlit lake, personalizing it with a deep-sounding reverence to that of the moon itself. I focus on calming myself down and letting the fingerwork play through a string of notes. I adjust as I go along with the improvisation of the strings, tongue intact for articulating, diaphragm tensed in and out for the low resonance of vibrato.   
  
And then I opened my eyes, and Bona is sitting there with her eyes blooming with tears. Seeing her moved by the music caused me to choke in a breath. _Oh god. Am I crying? Shit. I shouldn't be crying while playing._ Holding back the tears while performing a solo is much more harrowing than making cork wax, breathing exercises, wetting reeds, scrutinizing fingering charts, and finding a chiropractor after hours of intense practice.

_"I'm going to see Sungyeon again, and I'm going to become the mother that she never had. I will love her and praise her and ensure that she is the happiest human being alive"_

I can't breathe ably enough to play the next measure. 

_"You're a beautiful person no matter what. Not just on the outside, but on the inside."_

I can't stop crying and I don't know why.  
  
It's a struggle to finish off the coda because I feel heavy and congested in my chest and all of my air has been directed towards uncontrollable sobbing. God, I can't even see the audience nor the score in front of me because my vision is clouded.  
  
Even when the inmates got up on their feet and began cheering and hollering at us, I stayed there, confused and immobilized. Backstage, I fell to my knees and cradled my instrument in my hands while trying to get a freaking hold of myself. I feel like a child crying to her teddy bear after a rough day at school, but even more complicated than that. When I kissed Sana and Chaeyoung, I convinced myself that the three of us were just drunk and horny. I told myself many things, except the fact that could possibly have a liking for girls and _only_ girls. I'm just scared; afraid about how my family and the student body will react to me — a girl who has been asked out by forty or so guys to the Juilliard Ball — being a lesbian.  
  
And then Bona brings up how she's determined to become a better parent after the mistakes she had made in the past. My eyes well up the more I think about her apology. I can't find a reason as to why Bona mentioning this makes me cry.  
  
_*poke*_  
  
I whipped my head around and it's a relief when I realize that it's just Jeongyeon. I wiped away the tears with the sleeve of my short black dress before she could see them.  
  
"Let's go home", she helped me off my feet, "You performed spectacularly today."

* * *

**BONUS (Part 2/2 of Sana's Performance)**  
  
Friday: January 22, 2021  
  
The presidential inauguration ensemble moved onto [_Independence Day_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-w43w84tKk) after an astounding success with Copland's [_The Promise Of Living_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLVyRvp2Qbg). While in tacet, Sana took a moment to ponder about what she was doing with her time. Sure she got a first real glimpse inside the world of classical music's elite crew, but Sana found out that she wasn't having as much fun performing with a group of professional musicians, most of whom she doesn't know on a personal basis, compared to performing with her peers. If anything, Sana felt even more lonely and depressed. Currently, she's just reading off the score because if she deviates, the nation will have their piercing eyes at her for botching a performance for the president.   
  
Sana realizes that she missed her entrance and recollects herself, her uncle Takayuki pointing to the upcoming measure on her score. But luckily, nobody noticed. She wondered, in between intervals and puffs of hot air, how Mina and the others are doing. Yesterday, Eunha sent her a text entailing that they would be carrying out an outreach performance for female inmates (and something about the moon that night).  
  
Sana longed to be with her friends. Nobody in her inauguration ensemble even said a word to her over the successive dinner outings that their conductor, Michael Tilson Thomas, arranged after rehearsals. It was mostly her listening to their talks about the world tours they've been on. Sana has only been to three countries in her lifetime — Japan, France, and the United States of America, her home.  
   
The fact that Sana misses her friends reflects in her music. The notes come out plaintive and wistful instead of triumphant or imposing. But then again, Sana is playing the last horn part and there isn't much flair to it. _It's just like my youth orchestra days all over again._  
  
Of course Sana loves classical music. It's a decampment from her life's shortcomings — the death of her father, the death of Yoona, the stressful process of coming out to her parents, the bullying she received for being homosexual and the "worst" musician in the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra — whatever. She just doesn't like the politics that accompany classical music. But with any job, comes the civics. She knows that, and she's aware of the fact that life isn't simply just milk and honey. But in her perfect world, music can be as velvety as her tone.  
  
She doesn't feel in control of her fingers, nor her air supply — anything. Her playing seems robotic, even though her timing is precise and her horn is constantly in tune. A computer could read the notes off her sheet music and play just as well as she does.  
  
_Just one more page and then I'm finally done._ Sana thinks, inhaling through her nose and exhaling with her mouth. _Just one last page._  
  
She provides the groundwork to the ensemble again; playing the lower notes for the professionals to build off of. The final note is coming up and anxiety is impending in Sana's brain to not fuck up. She feels her insides burning as she's itching to get this piece over with.  _It's just one note, right?_  
  
_*Crack*_  
  
There it goes. That one last note.  
  
And it wasn't just a mistake; it was an obvious blunder. Sana messed up in front of her family, the president, and the entire nation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter Preview:
> 
> "SinB", I paused in the middle of our lesson, "I know this sounds random, but I need to ask you for advice."
> 
> \----
> 
> President Polisi calls us from our class, "I need Sana and Mina. It's about their upcoming performances for the BBC Proms."


	27. a capriccio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_a capriccio_  
Origin: Italian  
A free, unrestrained, capricious approach to tempo  
  


**The Twenty-Seventh Measure**

Saturday: January 30, 2021  
  
SinB is at my penthouse in Tribeca for the first time. We're both situated in my soundproof practice room.  
  
This Saturday would be SinB's last lesson with me, since I'm going to become busy once the spring season comes around with rehearsals for the Opera Festival, visits to the doctor, and auditions for the New York Philharmonic and the London Symphony Orchestra. And this is all before I even get around to making reeds, my online ASL classes, and doing my regular homework.  _Goddammit, Mina. You're terrible at time management._  
  
"I'm surprised that you're still persevering even though the dance division must be busy with their... _stuff_ ", I said with a lack for a better word.  
  
"I just don't want to lose touch with my instrument, you know?" she shyly giggled, her double reed dangling from her mouth, "Don't get me wrong. I love to dance, hence I chose this route because I'm passionate about it and I want to turn my passion into a reality. But the rules of dance drives me nuts and it starts to feel more like a hassle of a job than a passion. So I dabble on other things here and there so that I can regain my focus."  
  
"I know what you mean", I laugh, remembering that time where Chaeyoung caught me listening to K-pop, "I feel that way with classical music too."  
  
"Plus and I are preparing an outreach performance too, so I seriously need to brush up on this", she adds.  
  
"Y-You're doing outreach too?" my voice drops, my mind now rewinding to Monday's prison performance, "That... that's great."  
  
_Oh god._ _Not this tinnitus again. Just ignore, Mina. Just ignore it._  
  
"Mina, are you okay?" SinB cocks her head when she notices that I'm cupping my left ear with my hand.  
  
"I'm fine! Seriously!" I feigned a smile, and somehow SinB buys it, rather reluctantly of course.  
  
After two minutes, I regain my composure and kick back into gear. They're both playing Piazzolla's [_Libertango_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaa7QOUwKsY) with Minyoung as their piano accompanist, and their performance will take place at LaGuardia, the high school I attended with The Six. Hearing these news makes me feel nostalgic about those days when Juilliard students would drop by and perform for the school's music program. I actually recall Sowon, Mark, and Momo being a couple of those outreach performers when I was a senior at LaGuardia. That was four years ago.  
  
My self-esteem heightened after playing for the inmates at the Queens Correctional Facility and it's difficult to explain why. I feel much more relaxed demonstrating and advising SinB with her technique and performance style. And in addition to that, I'm not so much restrained in Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals and in my own self-practice sessions. Maybe it's because I was finally allowed to let out those inner emotions about my identity. It's ironic how I felt free performing for prisoners, and Dahyun told me over breakfast that Bona felt herself freed after that performance.  
  
I lean over to her score to make a comment, "You need to use more air for this run, or else you won't be able to finish each and ev—"  
  
"Mina!" Yerin's squeaky voice protrudes our environment, "Why is Nayoung from _I.O.I_ and _Pristin_ in your house?"  
  
"Yerin!" I shouted, clenching my own bassoon, "Can you not—"  
  
She interjected, "Sorry, Mina! Just a quick question, and then I'll stop bothering you two. I promise!"  
  
"She's one of the housekeepers", SinB answered for me, "Yoojung is too."  
  
She squeals, then sprints out of the room to look for Yoojung, "YIKES!"  
  
I forgot to mention that Yerin tagged along with SinB and I on our way to Tribeca, and for the main purpose of seeing what my house looks like. SinB wasn't too taken aback because her family is wealthy too. On the other hand, Yerin was in a trandescendent state, gliding around with her feet sweeping up each and every tile on the marbled floor as if she were in the promised land.  
  
Yerin didn't keep her promise. She did not stop bothering us.  
  
Every three minutes, Yerin would interrupt our practice and either peck up SinB or ask me trivial questions about my residence, such as where Tessitura, my persian cat, went after viewing family photographs on a rustic wood wall shelf (that cat is dead). And then whenever she planted a kiss on SinB's cheek or square in the lips, she'd sweetly say things like "Aww! My poor baby!" or "Your lips must hurt! Lemme smooch 'em for ya!"  
  
It's hard to explain the weird sensation I have inside when I see Yerin or SinB, or heck, any other girl-to-girl couple make such fond interactions with each other. I had this same feeling whenever I was alone with Sana and Chaeyoung as well. It's like watching an adorable puppy play around with another of its kind and deeming it cute, except these two are anything but furry, shaggy creatures. I can't scold them because they seem happy with each other, and that's how life should be: to love whoever you want regardless of gender, race, or creed.

  
And here I am, still apprehensive and fearful of my family's beliefs. It's difficult to become whomever you want when you haven't even learned how to become independent yet. I can't swim, I still suck at home economics, I don't know how to drive, and I can't imagine being financially self-sufficient because I don't know how to pay taxes and shit. Try learning those things when you have to make reeds, do homework, attend orchestra rehearsals, network with other musicians, and practice your bassoon for four to seven hours each day, seven days a week. It's preposterous.  
  
_Am I ready to face the consequences? Am I ready to be shunned by my relatives and live by myself in New York?_  
  
Yerin finally exits the practice room and leaves me alone with SinB, who is still rubbing her pink cheek with her hand after Yerin's drawn-out kiss.  
  
"SinB", I paused in the middle of our lesson, "I know this sounds random, but I need to ask you for advice."  
  
The younger girl looks flustered, "Me? Advice?"  
  
"Look", I reposed my bassoon behind my chair, "I know that you're paying me to have this lesson; not have a girl talk. But I really need to ask you this right now because we're here and after this, I won't see you on campus as often anymore and—"  
  
"It's fine!" laughter escaped from SinB's lips, "I'm just surprised that you — a role model since the Proms — are asking plain 'ole me for advice!"  
  
"What advice would you give to somebody who wants to come out, but can't?"   
  
SinB froze, took a deep breath, and then looked at me straight in the eye, "Mina. I know how you feel. My dad was intially appalled when I revealed to him that I was dating Yerin. We only began to rebuild our relationship after he accepted his teaching position at Juilliard."  
  
"Really?" I turned on her with a shocked expression. Her father was once my music theory teacher _and_ my private instructor. "I didn't know that."  
  
"But then I retaliated and told my dad that if he doesn't want to become a part of my life, then that's his loss", SinB adds a sigh before continuing, "He came around, and apologized when I got accepted into Juilliard because he realized how foolish he was for not talking to me just because he didn't accept with that part of my character. He missed out on life with me for years, when he could've used that kind of lost time to talk to me."  
  
"That's..." I said quietly, possibly close to tears.  
  
"Mina", SinB clasps my hand with hers, assuming comfort, "Coming out will be a learning process for you, your relatives, and your peers. They don't necessarily have to agree with the idea of you liking somebody of the same sex, but it's still important that they love you despite the differences. Remind them that you're worthy of love and happiness, and don't let anyone to push you to say it. There's no time frame."  
  
_Bona said something like this. Why am I asking SinB?  
  
Oh yeah. It's because you're still scared._  
  
"But when it does happen, you feel free", SinB finished, "It's like a cleansing."  
  
"Thanks", I whispered, returning my bassoon in my hands, "Let's continue the lesson."  
  
"Mina, wait", SinB pauses, pulling out her phone to check something, "Are you busy tomorrow?"  
  
I stared at her, "Why?"  
  
SinB throws her phone to me, the name of the event displayed on her screen, "Eunha, Yerin, and I are going to the Asian Invasion tomorrow night. You should come. It'd be a great way to let loose before you begin preparing for your orchestral auditions and 'The Ring' in March."  
  
"Does Yerin need help preparing for her auditions?" I asked, "I heard that she applied to the LSO too."  
  
"Erm..." she puts her finger to her chin, "London didn't say anything yet, but the New York Philharmonic didn't invite her for an audition."

  
"Seriously?"  
  
She shrugged, "Neither did Mark, Jun, or Mingyu. All I know is that Kim Jisoo, Jennie's friend from the Manhattan School of Music, was invited to audition."  
  
"That's bullshit", I grumbled and rolled my eyes. I guess it's just me, Jisoo, and a couple of other unnamed bassoonists.  
  
But truthfully, I could see why they didn't invite her or anyone else. The application process was an attempt to weed out the unqualified candidates and ensure that only "prized" players show up to the audition, making the tryout procedure operate much faster and smoother. The judging panel could also get bored of listening to two-hundred bassoonists playing the same excerpts and the same concerto over and over again.  
  
I know about the New York Philharmonic's audition process because Dr. Cseszneky had gone through it before; in 2019 when a new auditioning system was implemented within some American orchestras. About fifty or so musicians, all of whom had submitted applications, are invited to the initial audition after a judging panel reviews their resumes, cover letters, and in some cases, pre-screening tapes. In each round, the committee will whittle down the amount of candidates until there are only two or three people standing, then the finalists will play off each other for the crowning posiiton that is "principal" or "first chair". Every round takes place on a different day in intervals of either weeks or maybe even months, which is why I'm auditioning now because a winner will be chosen once I graduate from Juilliard.   
  
I still feel bad for Yerin and the others, though.  
  
"So are you coming tomorrow?" SinB retracts to her previous question, "Nayoung is performing."  
  
SinB is right. I do need a break from all of the stress that's coiling my brain like a snake. Perhaps I can invite Chaeyoung too.  
  
"Sure", I nodded.  
  
"Junior said to dress _casually,_  so don't wear dangerously high heels or a fancy dress", she stated with a humorous smile, and then my mind brings me back to my four-inch heels and that uncomfortable, sequined dress that I wore to watch _K.A.R.D, I.O.I_ , and the others.   
  
After SinB left, I was alone in my spacious practice room with the grand piano in the center and my instrument sitting on top of the piano bench. I was able to drill in a good amount of practice for a couple of hours, warming up in silk pajamas and penguin slippers. Only after I pushed my tinnitus and anxiety behind my head and got comfortable did I focus on those audition pieces for the New York Philharmonic and the London Symphony Orchestra. Most of the excerpts are virtually recognizable and similar for both orchestras: Berlioz's _Symphonie Fantastique_ , Mozart's _Overture to Marriage of Figaro_ , Stravinsky's _Firebird_ and _The Rite of Spring_  (I saw it coming), Rimsky-Korsakov's _Scheherazade_ , and so on.   
  
Auntie Mineko came home from her Metropolitan Opera Club managing job at around six o'clock, a package snug under her arm.  
  
"Mina!" my aunt called from the living room, "Did you order a new box of cane to make more reeds?"  
  
_The fuck?_ _I didn't even finish my current box._  
  
"Umm... no?" I hesitated, slowly lowering my bassoon down on the piano bench behind me, shuffling out of the room in my penguin slippers.  
  
Auntie Mineko's eyes fixate on the shipping label, "Looks like your dad's name is on it. Unfortunately, he won't be able to use it because he and your mom have been sent to a correctional facility in Queens. It should be your's then."  
  
My left ear catches two words, "Correctional facility?"  
  
"It's complicated", her lips crease into a light smile, "But you shouldn't worry about them. Direct your attention towards school and music."  
  
Auntie Mineko is right too. I have other things to worry about. I'm not complaining about this new box of cane that I can shape into more reeds. This saves a lot of money and time on my part, and I can just focus on my auditons and the upcoming opera festival.  
  
"Your interpretation of _[Scheherazade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpgRKXzB6tI)..._ " she halts her steps, "It's beautiful. You're like a bird."  
  
I hid a smile, taken aback by that bird comparison, "Umm... thanks?"

* * *

**The Twenty-Eighth Measure**

Sunday: January 31, 2021  
  
A couple of male artists performed at the  _Asian Invasion_ today, which drew the attention of several twenty year-old women who flashed fansigns and screamed as if their lungs had been pierced by a knife. Junior and JB performed as a [duo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtDYer-kkGw) for the last part of the first half, and this stumps me because they're both from opposing ensembles within Juilliard. Chaeyoung, who is sipping iced green tea in a fedora and a large-print plaid dress, discloses that both orchestras never had any hard feelings towards each other. Only select members of the Juilliard Orchestra were irked at the Pops Orchestra.  
  
Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Momo, Eunha, and a soon-to-become-legal Jihyo are stationed at the bar area for watermelon-soju cocktails and sushi burritos. Dahyun and Tzuyu charged to the dance floor and flailed about. SinB and Yerin have encased themselves in a handicapped bathroom stall for over an hour and have no intention of coming out. God knows what the hell they're doing in there, but I'm not going to question it.  
  
" _Everyone seems to be indulged in these boy bands_ ", Chaeyoung sets her glass down to gesture with me, " _But I'm not._ "  
  
" _Me neither_ ", I shook my head. Don't get me wrong; I don't hate boy groups at all. I like their songs and the choreography is on-point, but I'm not so infatuated to the point where I'd burn out hundreds of dollars for their merchandise or rave about their "chocolate abs".  
  
Then Chaeyoung rapidly claps her hands together like a vigorous sea lion, " _The second half is going to be female artists. Can't wait!_ "  
  
Junior introduces I.O.I after a brief intermission. I noticed that Somi seemed lifeless; she wasn't upholding the same amount of energy and bliss compared to their last performance. Her moves weren't sharp and her voice faltered in [_Knock Knock Knock_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqdRAIAn-DY). Clearly, she's undergoing a lot of stress.  
  
"Oh, Mina!" Eunha called, holding a glass of watermelon soju in one hand and Jackson's hand in the other.  
  
I removed my hearing protection to talk to her, "What's up?"  
  
"I can't finish my drink. Do you want it?"   
  
To be honest, I don't even know what soju is. The concept of soju had only been touched on in a couple Korean dramas that Chaeyoung recommended for me. Jackson urges me that soju isn't dangerous and that it merely just tastes like watermelon juice, so I take a moment to consider this. My throat is dry from Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals and I didn't have the chance to buy bottled water from the vending machine. Drinks here are pricey and I don't have a lot of cash in my wallet. I still need to reload my MetroCard to use the subway, or else I can't go home.  
  
"Alright", I snatch the glass from her, "I'll drink it."  
  
"Okay, folks! It's the girl group that you've all been waiting for!" Junior yelps through a microphone, marching across the ten-feet high stage as the audience becomes restless, eager, and unforbearing, "They started as a cover group but now they're slated to make their official Korean debut next month! Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to [Pristin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pristin)!"  
  
Ten gorgeous girls spurt to the stage and make their introductions before their first song — [ _WE_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TQKuWxE-Rc). I recognize Pinky and Kyla as members of the Juilliard Orchestra, as well as Nayoung, whom I don't have to explain. I don't know who the other girls are, but SinB and Yerin eventually ceased their make-out session to watch this performance. The pair seem to be familiar with the group, even to an extent where they can be considered fans. SinB shouts out "Kyungwon!" while Yerin shouts out "Eunwoo!" — two girls whom I assumed to be members of this group.   
  
_Pristin has a lot of charm._  
  
The vocals are very smooth and clear, and the choreography is very clean despite the sheer amount of members. Each and every girl has their own spark that makes them stand out while functioning as a congenial group at the same time. Nobody overpowers one another; it's all about balance.  
  
A couple of minutes later, the soju gets to me. _Goddamn. I really am a lightweight._  
  
Jackson is wrong. I think it's much more than just watermelon juice.   
  
The club became louder and louder and more upbeat than earlier. Pinky, a Pristin member named Yebin, and Kang Minah from I.O.I are left on stage to perform as a trio — _[24 Hours](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRgweOIZzdc)_. At the chorus, Chaeyoung candidly seized my arm and dragged me to the dance floor with her, drunkened by the good vibes radiating off of the other clubbers. The percussionist dances like it's her last night on this planet, and it's captivating.  
  
Seeing Bona and the others cinched behind bars made me realize that I seriously need to do something great with my life.  
  
The beats flow in like a virus, holding me captive in an EDM coma. The music moves me like I'm a puppet on strings and the next thing I knew, I was dancing along with Chaeyoung too. The hem of her plaid dress rose dangerously high, exposing her fishnet tights, and then she clutched onto her hat as if a storm was brewing inside the building. Chaeyoung looked so beautiful that I could hardly breathe.  
  
We bounced around for about an hour until everything unwinded into a slow dance session. Yewon from Pristin snags the microphone from its stand and begins singing [_When We Were Young_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ATgvqsSO6c). The atmosphere in this space was more mesmerizing than the Juilliard Ball. It wasn't about who was the best couple or who had the best dance performance; it was about being able to free youself like Chaeyoung and I did, as though the moment was infinite and memorable enough that it didn't require an Instagram post or a Facebook status.   
  
_Maybe we're not so different after all. We're both just experimenting._  
  
Then something incredible happened.  
  
We pause, looking into each other’s eyes. I swallowed hard and held my breath as Chaeyoung's eyes search mine. Without warning, she leans into me, her lips drawing near and my lips parting to receive them. I thought to myself, _Oh, fuck. I think I might actually be a lesbian._  
  
This night had been so much better than any of the other fake dates I was arranged with for high school dances.  
  
Chaeyoung's hands began to slide up my chest and encircle my neck, her lips so wistful and warm. We kissed and danced in circles until my intoxicated self crashed against the walls of the dim clubhouse, and now Chaeyoung's hand slid smoothly onto my arm, lifting it and pinning it against the wall. The heat flowing from my body grew with every lasting second of our lip-locking. The rest is history.

* * *

**The Twenty-Ninth Measure**

Monday: February 1, 2021  
  
Okay. Now I'm sober.  
  
Jihyo called me at five o'clock in the morning, asking me to relay today's assignments since she contracted fish food poisoning from the sushi burrito she ate last night. Being sick isn't fun, especially on the day you reach the age of majority.  
  
And then Eunha calls in at around 5:13, giving me a synopsis of what happened last night. Sushi burritos, stomach flu, boiling down to the same request as Jihyo. After that, Nayeon and Jeongyeon called me at 5:30 and 5:50 respectfully. Those two were also experiencing an upset stomach from the sushi burritos, and they requested for me to pass on any news that Maestro GIibert gives out.  
  
Among those five, Momo was the only one who survived. Jeongyeon did tell me that she could withstand one week-old leftovers.  
  
Trekking to the subway from my house, let alone in twenty-five degree (°F) weather and burdensome hills of snow, proved to be a tremendous struggle when dealing with a pulsing headache. My surroundings become a blur as I jaunt down a flight of steps, past a flurry of people, and onto the platform for the 1 Train. Auntie Mineko and Uncle Noboru, who use the same train to go to work, were nowhere to be found. I presumed that I lost them in the sea of commuters, hasting to work as it is now rush hour. When the train arrived and I finally boarded the car, my face pressed against the cold, steel walls as even more passengers shoved themselves inside. The train became a pig pen within seconds.  
  
During my lesson, I became lightheaded as Dr. Cseszneky was giving me pointers about my interpretation on the fourth movement of Shostakovich's _[Ninth Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6jgnoELjvI) _ — another audition excerpt for both the London Symphony Orchestra and the New York Philharmonic.  
  
Once lunchtime came around, I hid in the practice room because I was too skittish to see Chaeyoung especially after what went down last night. Neither of us expected to step it up a notch and smash each other against the seedy walls of the _Asian Invasion_ with our lips and our hands. That scene replays in my head like a hybrid between a monumental chick-flick and a poorly constructed student film — it was clumsy yet iconic and amazing.   
  
_No, Mina. Both of you were just drunk and horny. That's why you two pounced at each other like hyenas._  
  
I tell myself that Chaeyoung and I are just friends, and that the kiss was just a factor of harmless experimentation with lesbianism. We'll only go as far as cooking meals together, Chaeyoung scolding me for not knowing how to act like an independent Japanese woman, me criticizing her favorite Korean soap operas to her annoyance, and having four-hand duets on the same grand piano.   
  
We used each other to dust off the stress that musicians face day-to-day, and that's absolutely okay.  
  
Nothing takes my mind off of things than doing homework: etching out Tchaikovsky's years of suffering on pen and paper, and then formulating a research essay that exemplifies how tonal systems, scales, consonance and dissonance, and rhythmic relationships operate with respect to orchestration, ornamentation, and improvisation. A tidy workspace and a cup of coffee is unduly soothing even though my body is burnt out.  
  
I completed a good portion of my homework, which grants me enough time to take a power nap before my 19th Century Music History class with Professor Brown. Junior, Jackson, Eunha, and Sana are also registered in this course. Eunha is diligent in taking notes while Junior and Jackson are more concerned about whether their water bottle will stay upright after flipping it. I have no say for Sana since she's not here.  
  
Before Professor Brown could spurt a single word, a tall shadow advances down the row of seats from the door.  
  
And the next thing I knew, President Polisi calls us from our class, "I need Sana and Mina. It's about their upcoming performance for the BBC Proms."  
  
I forgot about the Proms. That just adds another event to my practice checklist.  
  
_Wait a minute. Sana is back already?_  
  
Indeed she is. The girl rose from her seat in the middle row and promenades down the aisle, in the direction of President Polisi. I don't know if it's just my hangover, but Sana looks so fucking gorgeous right now. She returned from Washington D.C. radiating like either a Golden Globe actress or the First Lady of the United States, draped in one of those cream-tinged Ralph Lauren dresses with long sleeves, her jet-black hair in a low side bun with a soft side-swept bang. _Fresh, elegant, yet understated._ All she needs is a million-dollar smile, but her solemn facial expression says otherwise.  
  
_Did something happen to her?_  
  
The two of us were led into President Polisi's office where a mountain of papers, abandoned pens and paper clips, fruitless highligters, and stray bottles of Wite-Out invaded his work desk. Sana and I couldn't view President Polisi's face when he lulled down in his own chair.  
  
"I'm waiting for one more girl. She should be done with her Percussive Methods class soon", he talks with a fluttering sheaf of papers clasped in his hands, using his head to point towards two lone chairs, "In the meantime, you two can have a seat over there while I file these documents."  
  
Sana and I hover over to a pair of armchairs in front of his desk, keeping to ourselves while we waited for the third person to finish their class. I didn't want to talk to Sana because she seems so drained from her flight. There could've been other factors that contributed to her obvious fatigue, such as the numerous rehearsals she had undergone for the inauguration performance and maybe some other affiliated events like the inaugural ball. I didn't find the time to watch Sana's performance yet, but I'm praying that she went off without a hitch.  
  
Behind us was Chaeyoung and her personal translator who follows according to her class schedule. The smaller girl was pleasantly surprised to see our faces in the same room; so pleasant that she heaved a sigh of relief as President Polisi pulled aside an extra chair for her. My shoulders tensed when she scooted closer to me, her smile big, not enervated in the slightest. Sana had no idea, so she fell silent and fidgeted with her fingers.   
  
"You three are pretty close, eh?" President Polisi begins, but the three of us don't say much except the fact that Sana and I let out a light chuckle. Chaeyoung's translator is rather slow at interpreting. "This is good because I have a job assigned for you three after the Bay Area Opera Festival."   
  
"A job?" Sana stares.  
  
"You three are going to be sent off to London after your last day in San Francisco", he leans back in his office chair, "For spring break."  
  
My lips twitched into a nervous smile, "London?"  
  
President Polisi makes a clarification and it all makes sense why he would bring up the BBC Proms, "Remember the festival competition back in Paris? You and Sana are practicing new, original compositions for the upcoming summer promenade concerts as a result of your winnings. Sana will be working on a concerto with Eric Whitacre while you will be working on a sonata with Seohyun."  
  
"What's Chaeyoung doing?"  
  
"Seohyun can't be your piano accompanist for the sonata because she's developing tendonitis and doesn't want to overdo herself", he explained, "So Chaeyoung will do it."  
  
"But—" I started, voice small, "She's not a piano major."  
  
He shrugged, "Seohyun specifically requested Chaeyoung."  
  
"Oh", I didn't bother to question any further.  
  
"President Polisi", Sana spoke up, pressing her trembling fingers to her knees, "I don't think I can play that concerto."  
  
I looked at her, my brows knitting in shocked disbelief, "What did you say?"  
  
"Mina, it's not really your problem", her eyes grew watery and before I could anticipate it, she dashed out of Polisi's office. _What happened to her?_  
  
President Polisi moved around his desk and placed a hand on my shoulder, "It's okay, Myoui. You didn't do anything to trouble her. Sana cracked a couple of notes during her presidential inauguration performance and the idea that she made those mistakes in front of famous figures like Lang Lang and Gail Williams is just overwhelming for her. The general public doesn't seem to be very pleased either."  
  
_Oh no. This is bad._  
  
I've been through this nightmare before — not just in Paris when I butchered the last measure of Sibelius's _Fifth Symphony_ and when I lost second place to Sana in the festival competition; but my life has been about people watching me the moment I was hailed as a prodigy. Ominous recollections fill my head as I think about thousands of indistinguishable faces brooding over me.   
  
My head lowered to the floor, caught in the sight of Sana's horn case still sitting underneath her chair in President Polisi's office.

* * *

**The Thirtieth Measure**

Maestro Gilbert is flip-flopping between all four parts of _The Ring_.  
  
The headache strengthens during Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals and by the same token, a thirty-second tinnitus attack arrives when the bassoons have to elongate the low E-flat note during the opening drone of _The Rhinegold_ , portraying the stagnant motions of the river Rhine. But I stand firm anyways and pretend that the tinnitus was never there. I inserted my hearing protection, licked my lips, and played.  
  
A ten minute break between the second and third acts of _The Valkryie_ allows me to fish out my phone from my purse, coincidentally running my rag through the joints of my bassoon to maintain its cleanliless. Also, blowing through a nine-feet tube with green gunk is a nauseating concept.  
  
President Polisi was right. None of the comments on Twitter seem appetizing at all, and there's not a single word about the U.S. President or the other performances at the inauguration. Ninety percent of the content is about Sana's fuck-ups in _[Independence Day](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-w43w84tKk)_  and perhaps some of the commentators are regular "haters" who have nothing better to do with their own lives. I'm astounded at how people dedicate their time to focusing on the negatives and making others feel miserable and worthless. It's kind of ridiculous how everyone scrutinizes Sana's small mistake in the same way that they would observe any other tragedy. It's not like she murdered anybody.  
  
"Oh, Penguin-chan! You're reading those comments about Sana?" Jennie's head drifts to my smartphone, which is sitting on my music stand.  
  
I remove my hearing protection to address the clarinetist, "What do you want?"  
  
She attempts to appear romanticizing by sighing gleefully and gazing at the tall ceiling with large eyes, "You're going to London after the opera festival, huh? I'm jealous. I want to go back to Europe over Spring Break but I have to stay in New York for the friggin' Vandoren convention."  
  
I ran my rag through my bass joint, "Okay, and?"   
  
Jennie's head lurches to the horn case sitting under my chair and the tiny percussionist sitting in the back, "And not to mention that you're going to London with Sana, Chaeyoung, and nobody else. So basically, it's an threesome?"  
  
"Jennie, please", I released a frustrated sigh, popping my bassoon's bass joint back into the boot joint, "The three of us are _just friends_. And we're not going to London to dilly-dally; we're going there to actually get shit done."  
  
"Methinks otherwise", she laughs, thrusting her hands suggestively.  
  
I shot a pointed look at Jennie before I could place my reed on my lips, "You're crazy."  
  
When Maestro Gilbert settles on switching to _Siegfried_ , Chaekyung is sent out and Sana is summoned to take over at principal horn. The problem is that she doesn't come. It makes me wonder if she's either looking for her instrument (which I have) or sulking somewhere else. He turns to Xuan Yi, the fourth horn player sitting in between Johnny and Jimin, to ask about Sana's whereabouts. Xuan Yi doesn't mouth a single word.  
   
It all comes down to me to look for Sana, because Maestro Gilbert can somehow detect social circles within the orchestra. I tucked my bassoon into its case before leaving, as I don't want to risk leaving it unattended. I also secured Sana's horn case with my other free hand.  
  
I sprinted across each and every floor in the Irene Diamond Building, yet there's no trace of Sana. I can't access the dormitories because I left my student ID card in my purse, which Chaeyoung is guarding because I didn't feel like towing more baggage than I can physically handle.   
  
Halfway through my search, I reminded myself to take the medications that Dr. McIntosh subscribed for me. I retreated to the third floor restrooms and dug out my prescriptions from the front pocket of my bassoon case. You would think that my instrument is the only thing I hold in my case, but I have other miscellaneous crap in here too. Pencils, pens, my smartphone, earphones, earplugs, chargers, a mini bottle of ketchup — you name it.  
  
"Mina?"  
  
The familiar pitch of Sana's voice lead to me choking on a pill that I tried to swallow, "The hell?"  
  
She tilted her head, "You had my horn all along?"  
  
"You left it in President Polisi's office", I made clear, handing it back to her, "Why aren't you at rehearsals?"  
  
"Mina. I can't", Sana shifts the case away from her, "I can't go back there. I can't face them. Nobody wants me there."  
  
"I want you."  
  
It's true. No other musician can play the horn parts in _Siegfried_ better than Sana. I've heard her practice during rehearsal breaks and in between classes, and only Sana can replicate the heroism and fearlessness that make up Siegfried's character. Her horn rips through the texture of the ensemble like the sword Siegfried uses to slay the dragon Fafner. She breathes through her isntrument in the way Siegfried longs for a breath of adventure. I know that Sana can do it. She just needs a little push and some encouragement, just like Siegfried.   
  
Mime explicated that Siegfried and _only Siegfried_  can kill Fafner. I believe that Sana and _only Sana_ can act out this titular role.  
  
"Think about it this way", I gave her a comforting squeeze on the shoulder, and then I think about that walk with Nayeon, "Tomorrow is a new day."  
  
She coughed, "Easy for you to say. You always win."  
  
"Remember what happened in Paris? I've read remarks about how my interpretation of Bach's _Partita_ was 'boring', 'unimaginative', 'too technical', 'emotionless'. I also messed up the last measure of Sibelius Five and there was talk about that too."  
  
Sana paused and looked up at me, momentarily confused. She must've forgot while putting herself in a self-loathing state.  
  
"Just because I win doesn't mean that I've never been bombarded by malicious comments before", I continued, "For as long as I've competed, I've been labeled as 'overrated'; that I don't deserve the acclaim that I established since I was a kid. My competitors — those who ranked lower than me — were bitter towards me for gaining fame at such a young age, and therefore they collectively detested me to make themselves feel better."  
  
Sana furrows her eyebrows, "That's not very nice of them."  
  
I studied her face, taking a breather before resumed my statement, "But you know what? I stopped giving a damn and I put those hideous events behind me, because I'm not going to let a couple of cynics hinder my passion. They can spite me all they want, but they can't stop me."  
  
I'm smiling to myself as I'm saying this. I felt a little bit of my self-confidence returning, I never thought that it could feel this good.  
  
"Our lives are strenuous. We take up a profession that is hard on our minds, hard on our bodies, hard on our emotions — the demands, the expectations, and the backstabbing is always high", I cleared my throat again, opened my case and looked down at my bassoon, which I considered a part of me for several years. I grinned as I gingerly stroked its wooden exterior. "We're human too, and humans aren't exactly perfect."  
  
"We have our bad days, and we make mistakes too", Sana added, following my gaze.  
  
"Right", it took a rush of breath for me to complete my statement, "I learned from past competitions that we can't please everybody. Some people are very opinionated, while others like to dwell on the negatives and dedicate their time into making us feel bad about ourselves. Those who are embittered think that downgrading us will raise the ego of themselves or their friends. They want you to fail. They'll never be happy."  
  
Sana's fingers closed tightly over my wrist, "I love music. I really do. I just don't like the critics; the authorities."  
  
I don't like the critics either, at least those who aren't constructive in their reviews. I've had my fair share of them in the past, and these people allot their lives into making others suffer. They treat the tiniest errors or the littlest deviations as a worldwide catastrophe, and it's no wonder why my playing had been perceived as 'technical' for all these years until _Le_ Cygne _Noir_. That piece — the one that Seohyun wrote — was relatable.  
  
At first, I wanted that performance to end. But in the aftermath where the audience broke into an emotional applause, everything felt right.  
  
Your fans; your admirers; your beloved ones — these are the people that matter the most.     
  
"You can't let the cynics win", I answered, shutting my case, "It's their victory once they've seen that you've fallen. But if you keep your head held high, follow your intuition, and ignore the egotists, they'll learn that they've wasted their time. Focus on you and the people who'll cheer for you."  
  
I feel at peace after letting all of those sentiments out. Happiness is truly a weapon that can extermine hate.  
  
A buoyant giggle emits from the hornist, "Is that really you, Mina?"  
  
"This is the 'Mina' that I want to be", I smile so hard that my eyes begin to close, "And I'm happy with her."  
  
Sana's eyelids flutter, blinking away a few tears, "You did overcome, huh?"  
  
I tucked a stray strand of red hair behind my ear, "I guess. And what about you? You're okay after your dad died?"  
  
"I've been okay", Sana laughed, "But just because I accepted my dad's death doesn't mean that I forgot about him. There will be times where those memories will spring up and I'll start to become emotional, but then I'll remind myself that he's not truly gone and that I'll meet him again soon."  
  
"Does that show through your music?"  
  
"Sometimes it does", she says softly, "Especially heroic ones."  
  
I snug the horn case back into her hands, "That's why you'd be perfect for _Siegfried_."  
  
Sana nodded, letting her dimples show as she accepted her instrument with compassion, "Thanks, Mina. I'm glad that you're becoming more brave."   
  
I supported Sana up to her feet and we held hands while walking back to the rehearsal area. Her fingers bore the innocence of a young girl — soft, delicate, and small, yet they were also the same hands used to play that all-mighty horn. She nailed the horn call in  _Siegfried_ first time around, fearless and undaunted.  
  
And that reminds me: there's another fear that I need to overcome as well. I'm tired of being dishonest and uncomfortable with myself.

* * *

**BONUS**  
  
Friday: February 19, 2021  
  
The slender Taiwanese girl seated herself in the corner of Indie Food and Wine, her cello case resting in the chair on her left as if it were another person. Her large eyes skim over the menu, occasionally making a flit towards her instrument case because she doesn't want to go through the same ordeal that Dahyun went through in Paris. The other diners seemed relatively calm and composed, too indulged in their books, but Tzuyu knows that New Yorkers aren't the most trustworthy people. She experienced that kind of culture shock firsthand when she rode the subway for the first time, during rush hour when an alluring thirty-year old attempted to abduct her three-hundred thousand dollar cello by flirting with her.  
  
Tzuyu isn't eating alone either. Jennie just happened to bump by the tall cellist on her way to class, dropping her books and music folder in front of her. Tzuyu isn't heartless enough to just ignore Jennie, so she dropped to her knees and assisted the clarinetist by picking up the fallen sheet music that was dispersed all over the floor. At that moment, Jennie wanted to thank Tzuyu by treating her out to dinner.  
  
Tzuyu's parents are at home and she's living with Dahyun in a project home in The Bronx, thus she's not in the most financially stable situation. She accepted Jennie's request with grace, even though she's confused by the exceedingly generous offer just for returning her belongings.  
  
"There you are!" Jennie exclaims from the doorway of the establishment, "Punctual as always, eh?"  
  
Tzuyu sets the menu aside, "Where have you been?"  
  
"Teaching kids in the pre-college division", she explained, hauling a vacant chair to sit in front of Tzuyu, "Apparently, a fifteen year-old Chinese kid talked about your interpretation on [Elgar's concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwMON0FsAaA) and how you sounded like sweet cream to his ears."  
  
The cellist raised an eyebrow, "Chinese kid?"  
  
"His name is Chenle."  
  
"Oh", Tzuyu hiccuped, "He's my mentee."  
  
Jennie set her spoon down after swirling her latte, "And apprently, he has a crush on you. Sowon, the other cellist mentor, confiscated his phone because he texted his friend during his lesson. No joke, Sowon read his text messages out loud and he said that he wanted to "do it" with you."  
  
"That motherfucker", Tzuyu hissed, eyes flicking to her cello and then back to Jennie, "I told him that I have a girlfriend."  
  
The two girls continue to talk about feminism, sex politics, the new U.S. president elect, Queen Elizabeth II, the 2012 Olympics, Edward Elgar, and the BBC Proms over café lattes, kale salad, pastrami and club sandwiches. Somehow, Tzuyu and Jennie wind up being the last standing customers at the restaurant. There is an antsy waiter relaxing in one of the booths, itching for the two girls to leave so that he could get off work. Much to his expense, Tzuyu orders bread pudding and the waiter has to hold off for another hour or so, just to wait for the two girls to finish their dessert and demand a check. Jennie slips her credit card into the sleeve of the checkbook, hands it to the waiter, and Tzuyu gleams at her.  
  
"I'm surprised", the cellist rasped, brown eyes blinking at the clarinetist with wonderment, "I haven't had a fun night like this in a while."    
  
"I'm happy to hear that you quit smoking too", Jennie smiles back.  
  
"Cigars became expensive", Tzuyu mentioned, "I have rent and cello maintenance to pay for too."  
  
Jennie nods slowly, "True."  
  
Tzuyu turns to her, balancing her cello case in her hands, "Thanks for dinner. Have a good night."  
  
"Wait", Jennie moves in front of the cellist, "Where are you heading?"  
  
"I take the Number Two train to The Bronx and then walk down to Mott Haven", she elucidated.  
  
"Coincidence. Me too", Jennie said, "I get off after Central Park North. Let's ride the subway together. It's dangerous to go out alone at this time."  
  
And so they went — slogging down Amsterdam Avenue until they reach the subway station at 72nd Street and Broadway. The snow from January is beginning to disintegrate and make way for the upcoming spring season, leaving thin terrains of ice on the sidewalks and the roads. Tzuyu slipped twice trying to catch up to Jennie while heaving her bulky cello case. _This chick just walks too fast_ , Tzuyu thinks.  
  
When Tzuyu and Jennie board the train, they're alone in the same car, yet not a single word was shared between the two. Jennie sets her purse on her lap to extract her smartphone, devoting herself to an unforeseen phone call from one of her friends. Tzuyu believes that it's one of The Six.  
  
She feels uneasy at Jennie's over-the-phone talk because her tone of voice suddenly fluctuated from amazingly sweet and courteous, to menacingly flippant and impudent. Jennie is speaking in her native tongue too, and the only other Korean member of The Six that Tzuyu can pinpoint is Jeon Somi. Halfway through, Reina's name is brought up and things can't become any more suspicious than this.  
  
Once Jennie stuffs her phone back into her purse, Tzuyu makes an attempt at a light conversation-starter, "W-We should eat out again."  
  
"Tzuyu", she began, shooting her most alarming frown, "I'd love to play buddy-buddy with you, but let's get real here. I didn't bring you on this date to become friends with you. Heck, I would never make friends with anybody associated with Mina."  
  
"I don't get it", the cellist felt a sting of confusion in her chest, "What do you have against Mina?"  
  
"Mina took home every award she could get her hands on", Jennie mumbled through gritted teeth, "Mine, Reina, Somi, Yuzuna, Karen, and Shuuka's parents always compare us to her. It was always 'why couldn't you be more like Mina?' I hate it."  
  
Tzuyu stared at her, trying to convert her nervous energy into spoken words, "I don't think Mina meant any harm. You have to understand that it was never easy for her to be in that position. She thrived under the harsh expectations of her parents, who wouldn't be satisfied if she had gotten anything but first place. Her backstory is on the news and online too. I don't understand how you don't know any of this."  
  
"You're just unaware. I've known Mina longer than you and her personality matches that of an entitled, haughty, and privileged son of a b—"  
  
"Mina is different now", Tzuyu interrupted, "You're the one who is unaware."  
  
Jennie snarled and stood up from her seat, and now she is chest-to-chest with the taller girl, "I'll just have you know that we're not going to go easy on you guys after Reina and her boyfriend had to pay back Chaeyoung's family."  
  
She knew it. The Six wouldn't even dare hurt Mina because of her crazy fanbase established on campus, so they would do this indirectly by hurting one of Mina's friends. The Six had always been fed up with Chaeyoung since the beginning, not just because she caused Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals to be extended, but because Maestro GIlbert agreed upon admitting her into the ensemble after a second chance at an audition — a right that none of the other auditionees were warranted to. There are competent students who couldn't get in until their third or fourth year.  
  
They sought Chaeyoung, a short girl who is hard of hearing, as vulnerable. The percussionist may have a knack for martial arts, but she wouldn't dare utilize her abilities against The Six. Doing so would only cause controversy to arise and physical assault can lead to expulsion from Juilliard.  
  
"Really?" Tzuyu sighs, wobbling in response to the train's unsteady movements, "Are you guys just too afraid to confront Mina face-to-face?"  
  
Jennie diverts "Chaeyoung is the reason why Reina's parents aren't talking to her."  
  
"Reina deserves that."  
  
_*SLAP*_  
  
Jennie's hand cracked upon Tzuyu's left cheek, like the snapping of a stick or the lash of a whip. Tzuyu was done with her crap, so she grabbed Jennie's shirt where the fabric met her collarbone, and then the she looked down at the shorter girl with blood hot in her eyes. The clarinetist realized that she underestimated Tzuyu's strength. That girl lugs around a cello case to and from school every damn day.  
  
"You need to wake up and act like an adult", Tzuyu jeered as she took a sharp breath through her nose, "If you want to be better than Mina, you need to fucking _work_  to get better than her. Mina is improving and becoming stronger every day, but are you?"  
  
"Honey. This is the classical music industry", Jennie's voice was sure, "It's about survival of the fittest and it always has been."  
  
"Then why don't you work on building your own strengths instead of undermining others and resorting to being a whiny little bitch?"  
  
"The fuck did you just call me?"  
  
"Honey", the cellist mocks, "It's the truth."  
  
"You can't touch us!" Jennie discards Tzuyu's arms, "The Spectacular Six are like a cactus."  
  
"The six of you are a cactus because everyone is a prick!" she retaliates.  
  
This heated exchange comes down to a cat fight between the two girls, in which there's hair-pulling, wrestling, and kicking involved. Neither Jennie nor Tzuyu are skilled combatants, and on the inside, they're both afraid of drawing blood and leaving bruises because the police would get involved. When the train comes to an abrupt stop at Central Park North, Jennie falls backwards and nearly hits the rear of her head against the steel interior, supporting herself by latching onto the train ring above. This inelegant, childlike fight is neutralized and counterchecks any further harm. They're both exhausted and satiated in hunger, and it's well past midnight which is why Jennie and Tzuyu are getting antsy and aggressive.  
  
"Remember what happened to Nayeon when she left The Six? Remember her Snapchat nudes and her drug controversy?" she laughed, exiting the train and entering the platform, "You have until the last day of the opera festival to give Reina her money back, or else."  
  
"Chaeyoung doesn't owe you anything", Tzuyu challenged, "Stop turning this into one of your high school soap operas and grow the fuck up."  
  
"Survival of the fittest!" Jennie repeats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I apologize for being late on updating. Winter break is over and a new semester of college has begun. A lot of stress has been resonating within me in an attempt to get the classes that I want. I've also been blasted with a lot of homework on my first week back, so I couldn't find ample time to write.
> 
> Next Chapter Preview:
> 
> So I came out to my aunt, uncle, and grandmother, and this is what happened.
> 
> \----
> 
> Sunday: March 21, 2021
> 
> "San Francisco, here we come!"


	28. pesante

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and we can have a conversation. This story was made to highlight and give awareness to serious topics that are apparent in the real world. In no way do I want to offend or hurt anybody. These events may originate from my life as well. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_pesante_  
Origin: Italian  
Heavy, ponderous  
  


**The Thirty-First Measure**

So I came out to my aunt, uncle, and grandmother, and this is what happened.  
  
They didn't handle it well, and I didn't expect them to. It began with the "how do you know?" and "it's a phase" bullshit and then it escalated to some crying, screaming, and blaming on the people that I hang out with. I've never seen that side of my Aunt Mineko and my Uncle Noboru before because they normally do their best to keep calm in the most tense situations such as these.   
  
I was prepared for the worst possible situation, so I wasn't too fazed by their reactions. I told myself that they're just in a state of shocked disbelief and prayed that they'll somehow change. Obviously, the news spread to the rest of my extended family members and they tried to come up with ways to convert me to straightness, to no avail because I was heavily persistent in being myself. I urged all of my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my grandparents that if they can't accept me for who I am, then they don't deserve me at my best. That shut them up, at last.  
  
It's unconventional for a young Japanese girl, or heck any young Asian girl, to rebel against my elders because the mindset of 'regard for authorities' has been ingrained in me since I was a child. And because my relatives grew up in Japan, the whole idea of conformity is mixed within that mindset. I don't blame them for thinking that way; it's just the environment that they were raised in.  
  
I'm still going to uphold the values of my culture — resilience, respect, determination, group collaboration, and the famous _omoiyari_ (being considerate, having compassion, feeling empathy, etc.). However, I'm also going to embrace the American values of individualism and liberty.  
  
Life goes on and I don't regret coming out at all. I feel much closer to myself than before, and I have a bunch of friends whom I know I can turn to in times of need. It's a huge weight off my shoulders because I'm no longer expending energy in putting up a façade.  
  
Now I'll give a summary of how the rest of February went.   
  
My aunt, uncle, and grandmother moved out of condominium and relocated back to their original homes spread across New York City. All of the mortgage for my family's living space had been paid off a long time ago so I don't have to worry about the costs of living in my parents' home by myself. I have a lot of practice space to myself, I get to do my homework in peace, Yoojung and Nayoung are still here to help me with any household tasks. I'm still working with Chaeyoung in the office of Juilliard's Disability Resources Center, so that's how I have enough money to pay Yoojung and Nayoung for their deeds. On weekends, the Crack Squad would come over to my place and have Korean Drama nights while Chaeyoung, Sana, and Momo would cook outrageous (yet delicious) meals in the kitchen. We also utilized the private oasis on the rooftop.  
  
February was a good month. No drama, a lot of music, and not too many tinnitus attacks that lasted more than fifteen seconds. Those medications that Dr. McIntosh prescribed for me were really working, but I'm not sure how long I can hold off the neuroma in my left ear until it totally impairs.  
  
Let's talk about March.   
  
After my pre-screening materials were reviewed, Maestro Gilbert e-mailed me specifying that my New York Philharmonic audition would be scheduled on the tenth day of that month. Yerin and the others didn't get an invitation for a live audition, so they and the Crack Squad just showed up to David Geffen Hall for moral support. Jennie was also loitering in the lobby because her friend, Jisoo, is also auditioning today.  
  
I only knew who Jisoo was because we're of the same major and she had attended Interlochen for a few years. For the most part, she's very sweet and considerate, but I never truly held a substantial conversation with her that didn't have to do with our instrument.  
  
She's also slightly crazy about me.  
  
Once my practice time was up, I carried my bassoon and ventured down the numerous hallways of the David Geffen Hall's backstage area. The other bassoonists stared at me knowingly, whispering amongst themselves and citing my name. This doesn't surprise me as I've had this kind of treatment before, mainly in competitions. They either fear you, idolize you, spite you, or even a combination of the three. One of the younger auditionees had the nerve to whistle at me as if he was expecting something. My cheeks flushed with total embarrassment, but I tried to ignore it.   
  
Right now, I need to focus on me. Not them; **me**.  
  
_*poke*_  
  
"MINA!"  
  
"EEK!" I flinched. I turned around and it was just Jisoo, two fingers placed on the nape of my neck.  
  
"Long time no see", Kim Jisoo greets with her trademark, toothy eyesmile and her glowing skin.  _Goddammit she became cute_.  
  
I looked down at the floor to hide my pink cheeks, "Don't scare me like that."  
  
"I'm surprised at how calm you are. Or more accurately, _were_ ", she giggles, "If everyone stared at me like that, I would've choked."  
  
"When's your audition?"  
  
"I'm done for the day", Jisoo mentioned in a chipper voice, "I don't think I'll actually make it past the first round. I mean, there's a ton of bassoonists here who have way more awards and experience than me. I'm surprised that I was even invited to audition."  
  
"Awards doesn't mean everything", I muttered, unaware that I was talking rather audibly in the quiet hallway.  
  
Jisoo raised her eyebrows skeptically, "Says the prodigy who has forty-something awards and tons of mindblowing recordings. Do you know how many auditonees are scared of you? You're the Darth Vader of bassoonists. You're the famous _Black Swan_ and you can freaking destroy out there."  
  
I rolled my eyes at those nicknames, "Are you trying to psych me out?"     
  
"No, I'm serious", she conceded, "Everyone sees you as a threat."  
  
"Number thirteen!" a woman with a clipboard called. I checked the number tag slapped on my sleeve and indeed, it's my turn.  
  
"Love ya, Mina! You're going to kill it out there!" Jisoo encourages as I'm being led to the stage.  
  
I'm brought to the main stage of the David Geffen Hall, where the performer has to play behind a large black curtain suspended on a rack. The practice of having a screen is customary in American orchestras. Explicit discrimination exists and has been apparent in the classical music scene since its beginning, so having this screen will ensure that the jury will base their votes solely on the performer's talent and not their gender.  
  
Speaking of a jury, I can't see them through this black curtain, so it eases the looming anxiety that built up within me since this morning.  
  
I recognized Maestro Gilbert's voice from the panel, "When you're ready, please begin with the first excerpt that has been placed on your stand."  
  
My eye squinted at the title. _So[Scheherazade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpgRKXzB6tI) is first, huh? _ Easily one of my favorite bassoon solos, based off of _[One Thousand and One Nights](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Thousand_and_One_Nights) _ where a begrudging Sultan vows to execute a new wife every day after one of his original wives cheated on him. Scheherazade manages to save the lives of the Sultan's future wives by speaking of fascinating stories for exactly one thousand and one nights. Sultan couldn't execute Scheherazade because he needed to hear her every tale, and that's what this solo is supposed to portray — mystery, apprehension, and suspense.  
  
Everything came naturally: my fingers knew the notes and my breath, diaphragm, and tongue knew the timing.  
  
The rest of the audition became a blur. A majority of my time was used to play orchestral excerpts and one full concerto. At the end, Maestro Gilbert simply said that we would keep in touch and I was immediately ushered out of the stage. The results of who would successfully pass the first round would be announced in a couple of days or so. With audition rounds being set over the course of an entire year, it gives the jury an opportunity to see if musicians can stay consistent with their skills over a long period of time instead of just rushing through all rounds in one day.  
  
The audition results mailed in on the twenty-third day of March. I passed the first round.

* * *

**The Thirty-Second Measure**

Wednesday: March 24, 2021  
  
We have a day off before the Opera Festival begins.  
  
Winter was waning with its below zero temperatures, bleak clouds, and long nights. Spring was arriving and the western horizon offered an enchanting golden sight, the beauty of sailing clouds looking like heaps of cotton balls and woolen fabric. After rehearsals in the War Memorial Opera House for _The Rhinegold_ tomorrow, Chaeyoung and Sana dragged me to the Davies Symphony Hall and drifted up a steep flight of stairs, leading to the roof where the two of them hung out in between breaks with the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra.  
  
We caught a view of all the surrounding performing arts facilities, as well as the Fillmore District and City Hall. San Francisco is truly a beautiful, progressive city with a large youth demographic, rich in culture and diversity, bustling with contemporary neighborhoods, wide streets, ravishing parks and graceful gardens. I've lived in New York City for twenty years and San Francisco is a great escape from a hectic, hustling environment.  
  
I didn't need a tour guide because Sana and Chaeyoung were there to direct me.  
  
Lunch was clam chowder at Fisherman's Wharf with the Crack Squad, and then Jeongyeon and Momo ran off to raid the famous Dungeness crab booth and the salt-water taffy shop on the pier. Nayeon wanted to go souvenir shopping with Jihyo, Tzuyu was distracted by a stranger's cute corgi, and Dahyun was running away from a seagull that lusted for her bear-shaped sourdough bread.  
  
There came a point before dinnertime where Sana whisked me away from everyone else and propped me on a bus from Pier 39 to Ghiradelli Square. I sort of figured that Sana was the type of girl who would have a sweet tooth, and it showed when she bought their world famous hot fudge sundae. Handmade hot fudge overflowed past the vanilla ice cream and coated the glass cup that it was served in.  
  
"You like sweets, right Mina?"  
  
"I guess..." my voice floundered, "Why aren't we with everybody else?"  
  
Sana was stalling for about an hour, purchasing even more chocolate goodies from the Ghiradelli's flagship store and then returning to Pier 39 to go seal-sighting. At some point during our short bond, she told me to close my eyes and it caught me off guard.   
  
"On the count of three, open your eyes", Sana instructs, holding my waist as I wobbled up a flight of steps.  
  
"Seriously Sana, what is this abo—"  
  
She whispered in my ear, "One. Two. Three."  
  
And then it turned out that Sana was just trying to distract me from their preparations. It came to my senses that we were on a yacht because the ground underneath my feet was wobbling side-to-side and the salty stench of ocean air caught in my nostrils. The yacht was styled with colorful Christmas lights strung across the exterior that shimmered in refleciton with the San Francisco Bay. Within it was The Crack Squad, SinB, Yerin, Yuju, Sowon, Umji, Eunha, and Jackson, all enrobed in penguin onesies and their arms flailing about in the air. _What the fuck is this?_  
  
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINA!"  
  
_Holy crap. I forgot about my birthday._  
  
Sowon, the president of my alleged fanclub, inherently came up with the idea of everybody dressing up as penguins for my birthday party. SinB, with all of the riches that her family maintains, was the one who paid for this birthday yacht and the other accessories that accompanied it.  
  
An elegant lemon thyme cake with precisely twenty-one candles was brought out by Yerin, a rather skilled cake maker in her own right. The cake was composed of rich velvety layers of lemon curd and luscious buttercream frosting, and then topped off with candied citrus and sprigs of mint. Once the candles were lit up and the fifteen of them sang the 'Happy Birthday' song, my anxious heart revved up in my chest at the realization that I've never celebrated my birthday before. Not when I was ten years-old, eleven, twelve, thirteen... actually, I never had a birthday party before.

**\----**

**[Flashback to thirteen year-old Mina]  
  
"Mom! Dad! Are we going to eat out tonight?"  
  
My mom set her wine glass on the coffee table, "Don't you need to practice for the National Young Artists Competition tomorrow?"  
  
"But..." I stood there awkwardly outside of my bedroom, one foot out the door "...it's my birthday."  
  
Dad interjected, tossing the score to Hummel's [_Grand Bassoon Concerto_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bltF44NIq0)across the dining table after notating it, "Each day that you don't practice is one more day you have to practice to get better, and you have no time tomorrow because of the competition."  
  
"Why is it that Sana and my other classmates get to have birthday parties while I can't?"  
  
"Sana and your peers are not talented. They're not a prodigy like you; they don't have your potential", mom started, palpably crabbed by stacks of sheet music handed to her for the New York Philharmonic's upcoming concerts, "We're utilizing your potential to its core. You'll be able to have more freedom once you land a career in classical music but for now, you can't afford to waste time on frivolous things like _birthday parties_. You need to practice on holidays, on your birthday, on sick days — every day."  
  
"You have a career. How come we didn't celebrate Christmas?" I replied in a small voice, silently hoping that they wouldn't bite me in the butt.  
  
"Mina, go to your room!" dad snapped, dropping his ballpoint pen, his rectangle prescription eyeglasses throbbing in response to his sudden jolt of anger, "If you keep wasting time like this, you're not going to eat dinner! You have a competition tomorrow and a recital next Friday."  
  
Crisp tears perched on my eyes as I released a soft sigh, "I can play well tomorrow. I promise."  
  
"Not with that kind of articulation. Your lungs need to develop and you need to stop tonguing like a machine gun", my dad replied, "You have a lot of work to get done in a short time period. If you want a celebration, then you have to earn it."  
  
"Okay..." I cried, closing the door. I didn't want to argue any further; all the energy had been sucked out of my body from practicing too hard.**

**\----**

"Mina!" Yerin squealed, flashing the cake in front of me. "Blow out the candles!"  
  
I did as I told and everyone bursted into a collection of cheers. Cake slices were distributed all around and Jeongyeon emerged from the cabin with six packs of — no, not alcohol — milk tea from Tpumps. The options ranged from basic flavors such as mango and green tea, to more unorthadox mixings with longer names such as "green apple lychee passion green tea" or "almond roca raspberry vanilla black milk tea." Eunha was projecting her calming [K-pop/K-indie playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZJ1hnLdyM0&list=PLv2942MYaIzQiV06sxqKku4AnL80q0WbZ) from her iPhone while the crew came around to give me well wishes and hand over presents that I'll open later.  
  
_This is so much better than playing 'Truth or Dare' and watching Human Centipede while getting wasted._  
  
It got to a point where SinB's private yacht had distanced itself from Fisherman's Wharf, rocking midway to Angel Island. The city skyline ravishing against a blue night backdrop, with the Golden Gate Bridge, the orange-lit Coit Tower, the Marina District, and the bulk of lanky skyscrapers from the Financial District gave off a San Francisco-like feel. No words could describe the beauty of tonight.  
  
Nayeon, still dressed in that ridiculous penguin kigurumi, raised her milk tea in the air, "Three cheers for twenty-one years of Mina-ness."  
  
I giggled inwardly at Nayeon's attempt to come up with a fanciful word to describe me.  
  
"Hip Hip."  
  
"Horray!" everyone chanted in impressive unison. Three of that and then we clinked our plastic cups of milk tea together like wine glasses.  
  
Before whatever festivities would take place, Jackson put his hands together and shouted something along the lines of, "SPEECH!"  
  
_Oh well, I guess I have to talk now._  
  
I motionined to the middle of the deck while the party guests repositioned themselves in various lounge chairs (with the exception of Momo, who was sitting on the floor with a platter of chicken wings). It was slightly cold out and I shivered in my white sundress and lace cardigan. Part of me wants to slip into a kigurumi just like the others, but a part of me fears being exposed on social media for dressing up like a penguin.  
  
_[Breaking News: The musical prodigy Mina Myoui is cosplaying as a comical penguin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXtVNc7MVVM). _ Yup, that would be such a hot topic.  
  
"I..." I looked down at my feet for a good five seconds before looking up again, "I'm not really good at talking, so I'll make this short and sweet."  
  
"We love you, Mina!" Sowon, Yuju, and Umji screamed. And then I didn't feel so nervous speaking in front of my friends. The fact that they're all wearing penguin kigurumis eased the tension. It's like how you tell a child, who is shaking on stage, to imagine the audience in their underwear.  
  
I inhaled deeply before continuing, "Honestly, I don't really know how to convey my thoughts. I doubted you guys at first for being a bunch of idiots... a-and I thought that you guys didn't take music seriously. B-But you guys have become a big influence in my life and I can't—"  
  
_Ah shit. Now I'm blubbering._  
  
I had to close my eyes because I was on the verge of tears. Chaeyoung noticed this and she instantly gripped my free hand, squeezing it firmly and reassuringly. Sana did the same thing with my other hand, twisting my fingers around her warm ones.  
  
So much had changed over the past few months. I've become more honest with myself; I'm starting to appreciate myself and my music. Who would've thought that it would take a couple of months and a squad of dorks to get me to gain a new understanding of my profession, recapture my love for music, fight through my impending hearing loss, overcome The Six and my parents, coming out — everything.   
  
None of this would've not happened had I decided not to join the Pops Orchestra.  
  
"It's okay, Mina!" Eunha pumped her fists, "These feelings are real."  
  
"Don't hold it in! Let it all out!" Dahyun hollered with a dopey smile.  
  
Those two are right.  
  
I shouldn't be ashamed of myself for being such a crybaby, because that's just who I am. I'm an emotional human being, and that's okay.  
  
I sniffled back the tears and restarted, "I-I'm just so sorry for being you know, a judgmental dick to you guys in the past. You guys are the friends and the family that have been missing throughout my twenty-one years of life. Thank you for giving me the birthday party that I never had. Thank you for making me smile, making me laugh, pushing me but not letting me fall. Because of you guys, I stand tall."  
  
The yacht remained in the Bay for as long as I created this emotional space.   
  
"Very well said", Jeongyeon smiled, clapping me on the shoulder, "You deserve all the love in this world."

* * *

**The Thirty-Third Measure**

Thursday: March 25, 2021  
  
The first day of the opera festival went without a hitch. [_The Rhinegold_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meGuEnjERxc) is the first of Wagner's _Ring Cycle_ and the shortest of his operatic works, outlining the forging of the indomitable ring and the power-hungry forces who desire superiority over all others.   
  
The Rhinemaidens, protectors of the Rhinegold and represented by the harp, bathe in the calm river Rhine that is expressed in a low chord of E flat, played by the bass-voiced instruments. They’re teasing Alberich, a dwarf who is infatuated with them, and divulging the secret of the gold that has the potential to become an omnipotent ring that can allow the bearer to rule the world, with the renunciation of love as a requirement to bear the ring. Alberich pilfers the gold and forges the ring, and then a ripple of chords and broken arpeggios come into play.  
  
Wotan, the most supreme god, and his wife, Fricka, awaken from their slumber and see the two giants, Fasolt and Fafner, have completed the construction of their desired castle — a sanctuary for all of the Norse gods. In payment, Wotan must turn over Freia, Fricka’s sister who seeks to break free from their agreement. Loge, the god of fire, then alludes to Alberich’s forging of the ring and the sacrifice of love, which interests Fasolt and Fafner as they want power over the world. The giants came to a resolution in the mind that they would acquire the ring in place of Freia, yet keep hostage of her until the ring is seized from Alberich. Wotan and Loge decide to travel to the abode of the Nibelungs, or dwarfs, hoping to secure the ring. Eerily chromatic music enters in and sweeps up the watchers in a perception of unease, both audience and musicians alike.  
  
Mime, one of the Nibelungs, informed Wotan and Loge that Alberich established a brutish regime over his people as a result of the ring. The two gods succeed in capturing Alberich and transport him to the realm of the gods. Alberich is pressurized to submit the ring to the gods, on which he puts a curse: the ring bearer must become subjected to a life of eternal anxiety and fear in order to uphold a power of such enormity. A leitmotif is laid out for the curse, which will recur in all four parts of the Ring Cycle. Wotan learns about the rings advantages and realizes that he may want to keep the ring for his own self-interest, and eventually buys back Freia's freedom by offering Alberich’s gold to the giants.   
  
Dignified music plays when Erda, the wise goddess of Earth, reminds Wotan about the consequences of bearing the ring. He gives up the ring to Fafner and Fasolt. Compelled by greed, the two giants engaged in a brawl over the sharing of the ring, eventually with Fafner killing Fasolt. Wotan leads the gods into his new castle, Valhalla, and they all unwind in paradise until the Rhinemaidens beg Wotan to give their gold back. He doesn’t comply, not knowing the curse of the Rhinemaidens. Part One ended there.  
  
"And that was the Juilliard Orchestra and the Juilliard Voice Division with their rendition of _Das Rheingold_ ", the presenter working in conjunction with the Opera festival dimisses over the tremendous applause, "Thank you so much for coming tonight. We'll see you for the rest of the week."  
  
As soon as the performance is over, the first thing I do is unplug my hearing protection, stow away my bassoon, and dodge the press who have deep-seated themselves in the lobby of the War Memorial Opera House. I'm not ready to be interviewed; I'm tired and I desperately need a drink.  
  
When I swung by the dressing room, Sana was hunched up on the far side of the room, cleaning her horn. She's probably waiting for the press to leave so that she can venture back to our hotel in peace. Chaeyoung and Jihyo appear to be making plans with a couple of alumni from their youth orchestra, and Jeongyeon is about to take a swig with Nayeon, Eunha, Jackson, Yuju, and Momo at Johnny Foley's on O'Farrell Street.  
  
"Minarr!" a high-pitched voice sounded from behind, but this voice is a lot more "kid-like" than Sana's.  
  
_Sunny?_  
  
Her chocolate hair is much longer now and she's wearing high-heels to conceal her real height, "Congratulations on passing the first round of auditions for the New York Philharmonic, and I heard that from Chaeyoung! She also told me that you finally came out to your family members, and you have no idea how proud I am of you right now. It's no wonder why you and your bassoon played remarkably tonight."  
  
"Holding an E Flat for four minutes doesn't get you into the New York Philharmonic", I joked, leaning in for a brief hug.  
  
"It did for my Berlin Philharmonic audition", she snorted.  
  
"I've missed you", I smiled, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"The Berlin Phil is playing _[Der Rosenkavalier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z3vl4SNRlo) _ this Wednesday. And with Joyce DiDonato as Octavian."  
  
"DiDonato and Strauss? With the Berlin Philharmonic? Yuju and Sana can die in peace", I giggled, "She has a great voice too."  
  
"Bass clef instruments are better", Sunny chuckled like we're in camaraderie, looping her arm around my neck, "We need to celebrate your first-round audition and your coming out victory somehow. How 'bout I take you around the city and treat you out to dinner?"  
  
"You're not going with Chaeyoung and Jihyo?"  
  
Sunny shook her head, "It's not an official reunion; just a get-together. Sana isn't going either."  
  
It saddened me to think that Sana wasn't going with Chaeyoung and Jihyo to the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra's alumni gathering. There's probably a chance that she wasn't even invited, depending on who's hosting.  
  
I cocked my head at her, "Was Sana not invited?"  
  
"She just wanted to practice", Sunny answered, "For _Siegfried_ and _Twilight of the Gods_."  
  
_This girl, I swear._  
  
"I don't care about reunions", Sunny shrugged, "And besides, when am I ever going to get the chance to hang out with you again? Not in a long time."  
  
"Can I change out of my concert dress first?" I asked.  
  
"No need. I've made reservations for a fancy restaurant in the Financial District", Sunny said, locking her phone and slipping it in her faded lavender coat pocket, "Have you ever eaten Japanese food before?"  
  
I furrowed my brow, "I'm Japanese."  
  
"Oh shit. I'm sorry", Sunny awkwardly cleared her throat, sounding nervously embarrassed.  
  
"It's okay", I chuckled, "I'm looking forward to dinner."  
  
The Japanese restaurant that Sunny talked about was merely two train stops away from the War Memorial Opera House, seated in the Financial District yet not too far off from the Embarcadero Center and the Ferry Building Marketplace, where Sana and Chaeyoung brought me to yesterday.  
  
The wall behind the front desk laid the various liscenses accomplishments of the restaurants owner — liscensed blowfish cutter, World Sushi Technical Skill Champion, EAT-Japan Sushi awards, and so on. In the perfect minimalist setting, Sunny and I established ourselves in the warm wooden bar area where a dashing, young female chef was making a brilliant show out of knives and fresh fish. It's rare to see women running a restaurant especially in the sushi scene, but this chef functions like a graceful musician. She is the performer and the utensils are her instruments.  
  
"The chef that we're watching", Sunny begins, "Is a rising star in the culinary world. She has a sister that attends Juilliard."  
  
I scratched my chin. _Momo?_  
  
"Hello guest", the chef turned to Sunny, and then me, "and Mina."  
  
_She knows me?_  
  
Sunny orders the grand Kaiseki set for the two of us and I wondered aimlessly about the chef's familiarity with my name, my mind racing about the possible embarrassing shit that Momo might've told her sister, such as the fact that I'm a lightweight or how I'm scared of the dark.  
  
And then the bell near the entrance initiated a chime, signaling the entrance of another customer. There were six of them, their hair strapped up in tight buns and their bodies all sheathed in concert black. The charming hostess at the front ushered them to a wide table in proximity to the bar area and the six girls stuffed their instrument cases under the table. It hit me that they weren't just any other group of orchestral musicians.  
  
It's The Six.  
  
"Mina, do you know them?" Sunny noticed my tense face.    
  
"To some extent, yes", I lied. I've known them since I was young and naïve about the stringent expectations of the classical music world.   
  
I came here to have a good time, not to be attacked.  
  
The first course is a rich, hot dashi soup that bursted with umami, then came creamy and heavenly pieces of assorted sashimi and nigiris that melted in my mouth. Sunny and I savored our meal while talking about Wagner's _Ring Cycle_ and the competitiveness of musicians.   
  
"Wagner's work is an analogy to the cutthroat classical music industry itself. Greed and a craving for fame are common traits that competitive musicians possess", Sunny stressed, popping a piece of horse mackerel sashimi in her mouth, "I've had my fair share of dipshits both in competitions and during my career as a professional musician. It's tough, but you'll pull through."  
  
"One of the woodwind competitors tried to give me an old reed, thinking it would fuck up my respiratory tract. Nayeon punched him in the face", I said, my eyes somehow meeting Reina's gaze as I adjusted my postion on my stool. _God fucking dammit. Why is she staring at us?_  
  
"I socked a trumpet player who tried to steal my trombone", Sunny laughed, "That motherfucker had lube plastered all over his hands."  
  
"Gross", I choked on my tea, "I hate those types of people."  
  
"Do you hate a lot people like that?"  
  
"I do", I affirmed, slapping my cup against the hardwood table, "Don't even get me started with the discrimination. I've seen enough of that, being a small, Asian girl who plays the bassoon. During my audition, I got catcalled by a nineteen year-old auditionee after exiting the practice room."  
  
In some such way, my last sentence stimulated Sunny's interest, "What did you do to him?"  
  
"I..." my morale shattered into a billion pieces "...didn't do anything."  
  
"WHAT?" Sunny bellowed in her squeaky voice, her Californian accent slipping from her tongue, "Dude! You should've whooped his ass with your bassoon! I would be have been  _hella_ pissed if that happened to me."  
  
"My bassoon is not for ass-whooping", I coughed.  
  
"Figuratively, you've 'ass-whooped' thousands of musicians in past competitions with that bassoon."  
  
Well, I guess Sunny has a point.  
  
"I know your pain, though", Sunny set her drink down and sighed, "I play the trombone and I'm a _girl_. There are less than twenty women in the Berlin Philharmonic, and one of our guest players explicated to the brass section about how women are a physical distraction to the orchestra. But do you know what I hate the most? It's when they make up the excuse that women shouldn't play wind instruments because of our lung capacity."  
  
"Bullshit!" I accidentally shouted, urgently switching to a lower tone of voice, "When did classical music become swarmed with judgmental pricks?"  
  
"I know right?" she nodded in agreement, "But then again, the world is full of them."  
  
"As long as I can make music, I'm happy", I sipped my drink, grinning confidently, "Fuck sexists. My gender does not define my degree of talent."  
  
"Cheers to that, my friend", Sunny raised her cup and we gulped down our final sips of lukewarm tea. "I love it when you get flared up. You remind me of Yuri in her high school days. Speaking of which, Yuri told me that the London Symphony Orchestra invited you for a live audition."  
  
"What?" I choked in astonishment, strangled in my own breath, "L-London did?"  
  
"You didn't know?" Sunny gawked at me, "They reviewed your pre-screening tape and sent you an e-mail invitation. The first audition is next week."  
  
_So it'll be on the same week that Sana, Chaeyoung, and I are going to London to practice for the Proms? That's convenient._  
  
While waiting for the wagyu nigiri, I overheard Karen talking noisily to Reina and the others, reiterating our conversation about the upcoming first round of auditions for the London Symphony Orchestra. _They're eavesdropping on us?_ Shuuka hid a smile and Somi seemed genuinely happy about my acceptance, but the four other girls thought otherwise. Their exchange switched over to another topic about Umji, the flutist.  
  
And then in the midst of their talk, I heard Chaeyoung's name being mentioned.  
  
Their table chimed with laughters of all pitches, with Shuuka pretending to laugh and Somi not even cracking a smile at their banter. Somi looked away and left after a few uncomfortable moments to use the bathroom, possibly avoiding the glare that Jennie is giving from across the table.  
  
Yuzuna was in the middle of some story and with a stupid wide grin, she said, "Wait until Chaeyoung sees this."  
  
My eyes widened. _See what?_  
  
Sunny abruptly dismounted her chair and the intense laughter of Reina, Yuzuna, Jennie, and Karen washed away in the shorter girl's defensive anger, "If you shitheads do anything to Chaeyoung, you're going to catch these hands."  
  
Karen curled her lip, "Who the fuck are you?"  
  
"Oh shit! She's from the Berlin Philharmonic", Jennie jumped a little at the realization.  
  
"And I suggest that if you don't want your career to go down the gutter, you back the fuck off from my friends", she spoke slowly yet threateningly. Just as expected, Sunny was just as imposing as any other professional musician. She's been through enough thick and thin to familiarize herself with hostile people especially the critics, competition judges, and those in management.    
  
Reina set the check down and folded into her coat, "Let's go. We have a performance tomorrow and we need to catch the train back to the hotel."   
  
"We're not scared of you", Karen spat until Shuuka grappled the younger sister's arm.  
  
The five girls, with Somi lagging behind, left the restaurant and made their way to the underground subway. The tension indoors dissipated and Sunny climbed onto the bar stool, resuming our meal. I'm not sure if I can sleep well tonight after extracting the details from The Six's talk.

* * *

**The Thirty-Fourth Measure**

Friday: March 26, 2021  
  
I tried to concentrate, fiddling with the fastener on my neck strap while shifting my weight in my chair. Because of the size of the pit in the War Memorial Opera House, the percussion instruments would always be situated on my left. As more musicians began to file into their seats, my eyes automatically directed towards the percussion section. Jeongyeon was tuning the timpani and three other percussionists chatted amongst themselves, ensuring that they were familiar with each other's parts and practicing their timing. And then Mei Qi, one of the percussionists who would be in charge of the tam-tam for tonight's performance, turned to Himchan, the Juilliard Orchestra's principal percussionist.  
  
"Where's Chaeyoung?" Mei Qi asked with concern, "Who is going to play the bass drum for _Ride of the Valkryies_?"  
  
Himchan shrugged indifferntly, "Beats me."  
  
_What? Chaeyoung is running late?_  
  
My absolute shock at Chaeyoung's absence was accompanied by my erratic breathing and the ringing sensation that came with my unforeseen stress. But tinnitus and playing the bassoon for the rest of this dauntingly long night became the least of my worries now. Yuzuna is sitting diagonally from me and her lips curved into a snarky grin as she's hearing Mei Qi and Himchan talking about Chaeyoung from behind.  
  
Then Maestro Gilbert entered the pit, boarded the podium, and raised his arms to indicate the beginning of our performance. We're fucked.  
  
Before arriving at the end of Act Two of [_The Valkryie_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05eVjgMEuWs), Chaeyoung sped through the only open door in the orchestra pit and crashed into a cymbal hat in an attempt to wade through a clump of percussion instruments and brass players wielding their bulky instruments. Luckily, being in the pit orchestra doesn't allow the  audience to recognize who caused the unprecedented cymbal strike, so Chaeyoung is safe.  
  
_Oh thank god she's here._  
  
During the thirty-five minute intermission between Acts Two and Three, Himchan was chiding Chaeyoung about punctuality while the small percussionist just nodded at him remorsefully. Chaeyoung couldn't process a single word that he bellowed at her, but she could grasp the message judging by his rigid eyebrows and contemptuous frown. Once Himchan left, I deposited my bassoon behind my chair, told Joshua to guard my things, and approached Chaeyoung in the rear back of the pit. We decided to relocate to the lobby because the air was getting too stuffy in here.  
  
In happenstance of the Bay Area Opera Festival, a snackbar and a congregation of CD-selling vendors assembled under the pilfered gems of the chandelier and the vaulted ceiling of the main lobby. Chaeyoung and I grabbed crab sandwiches for our dinner and sat in gold rococo chairs.  
  
" _Why were you late?_ " was my conversation starter.  
  
Chaeyoung swallowed her bite and set her sandwich down, " _I overslept, I guess."  
  
"Overslept? Are you okay?" _ I tilted my head. Chaeyoung doesn't have a bedhead and she smells like sweet cherry blossoms, just like the perfume that Sana keeps in her purse. Chaeyoung couldn't have taken a shower if she had overslept.  
  
Chaeyoung forced a smile, " _I'm fine. I promise."_  
.  
Before intermission ended, I ran to the bathroom to wash off the fishy flavor from my mouth. I don't intend to have my reed taste like crustaceans.  
  
_*RING*_  
  
_Oh no. My ears hurt._ I feel like I'm drowning and that water is infiltrating my ears, seeping into each crevice and traveling to my brain until I was completely submerged. All noise is canceled and my head is throbbing so hard that I slumped over the bathroom sink, feeling like puking. I forgot to take my prescribed medication this morning, relying on only two tablets of Advil for the rest of the night. I guess Maestro Gilbert wasn't joking when he said that the _Ring Cycle_  could give musicians a massive headache, and we're not even halfway done with the entirety of Wagner's work.    
  
If this is bad, _Siegfried_ and  _Twilight of the Gods_  will be worse.  
  
I'm seriously not having it today. I had to make reeds in the morning and Vernon turned up thirty minutes late to sectionals. I had to stay an hour after just to help him catch up on the markings Joshua and I had made. Half the time, he was texting his girlfriend — Jung Eunwoo from _Pristin_.  
  
Also, I'm still suspicious about The Six. And speaking of them—  
  
"Mina!" Somi barges in at the last minute of my tinnitus, her worried eyes trained on me, "Are you okay?"  
  
"You came here to tell me that we're on standby, right?" I guessed. _Thank god it's just Somi. She's bearable._  
  
"Well... that and I'm just worried about you", she admitted, "Are you going to be able to perform tonight?"  
  
"I'm fine. I promise. Tell Joshua that I'll be there in a sec", I insisted, and Somi just stared at me for a good ten seconds before exiting the bathroom. I used the water fountain to fill up my bottle, extracted a pack of Advil out of my purse, drank some water and gulped down a single pill.   
  
Gee. I wonder who I sound like right now.  
  
"You're not sick, are you?" Joshua questioned as I entered our row.  
  
"Sick? Hah! Not even", I laughed sheepishly, looping my bassoon's strap around my neck.  
  
"Lies", Vernon coughed.  
  
"Shut up", I choked out, "I'm still mad at you."  
  
The curtains rise and it's time to perform again.  
  
Despite the use of hearing protection, the clamorous brass from the [ _Ride of the Valkryies_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svMHBPed9Bs) succeeds in shattering my eardrums. Each trombone and each horn are tackling each other at the same piece, playing more powerfully and brilliantly than the next.   
  
_The Valkyrie_ is where Wagner goes into detail about a host of female figures called Valkyries being given orders by Fricka, Wotan's wife, to kill Siegmund, the illegitimate child of Wotan and another partner who wasn't Fricka. Brünnhilde, one of the valkyries, is conflicted as to whether or not she should obey Fricka's orders or save Siegmund. Today, Brünnhilde's character is being acted out by Yuju, one of the best performers in the vocal arts division. Yuju had been administered a blonde wig and padded armor to wear so that she can emphasize the muscularity and immenseness of her character. But now I can only think of Reina and The Six, and how Reina is sort of a representation of Fricka while the other girls represent the valkyries, some of whom blindly conform to her rules and viewpoints.  
  
At some point during the opera, Chaeyoung misses her bass drum entrance and Somi squeaks a note. These mistakes distract Yuju, who cracks a note in the middle of her short solo. Maestro Gilbert and Kai have never looked more disturbed than today.  
  
Finally, Brünnhilde is stripped of her high status as a Valkryie and is demoted to the position of a human being.  
  
And at the end of the performance, my fingers are numb and my throat is running dry. Chaeyoung looks as if she wants to cry.

* * *

**The Thirty-Fifth Measure**

Saturday: March 27, 2021  
  
After Chaekyung enacted as the principal hornist for the first two nights of the _Ring Cycle_ , it was finally Sana's turn. Unfortunately, according to Sana, Chaeyoung claimed to be ill and Maestro Gilbert demanded that she'd rest up for _Twilight of the Gods_. Eric Nam was called in as her substitute.  
  
[_Siegfried_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xbhQcVTp8U&list=PLmWZWPqX6ROMPq_eesk-Fn-E0mm0PHCzi&index=82) is a massive horn fest, and the Juilliard Orchestra's principal players were very insistent on placing Sana as first chair.  
  
The Nibelung Mime, brother to the former ring-bearer Alberich, is forging a sword. Mime is hatching a scheme to obtain the almighty ring for himself. He has raised the human boy named Siegfried as a foster child, to kill Fafner, who is currently in possession the ring and other treasures from Das Rheingold. Fafner has since transformed himself from a giant to a dragon, and Siegfried must slay him to get the ring.  
  
Normally when Sana performs, it's out of warmth and complacency. But today, as the representive of Siegfried, she showed no mercy.  
  
Before we tuned our instruments, Sana whispered something to me, and she seemed pretty damn serious about what she meant. She said this:

" _Chaeyoung seemed a bit troubled lately. So tonight, I'm going to think of Chaeyoung as I play."_

And that's also who Sana is — fiercely protective of her friends.  
  
The thing about bassoons is that they're allowed to hide. They can fade into the orchestral setting with all the weight of their lamentation, distress, and agony frittering away from their minds. My instrument, at least in the minds of certain composers, is the apotheosis of fear and apprehension.  
  
With horns, you have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. If used for the purpose of a impending trouble and a declaration of war, its bold, brassy glare would sever the other instruments in an instant. That's pretty much what Sana did tonight — her horn was shrill and loud in the sense that it could be seen as a battle cry. Just like Siegfried, the [horn call](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MkMdlfl8Hg), and his sword, she evoked an aura of heroism, power, strength, and domination. Her metallic brilliance could slaughter the violins, crumble the violas, vanquish the flutes, strangle the oboes, demolish the clarinets — and so on. Whatever evil forces were cleaving Chaeyoung would be recorded in Sana's death note.  
  
The end of _Siegfried_ met with a wondrous response from the masses. Surely, Sana redeemed herself from the mishaps of the presidential inauguration performance with her monumental playing tonight. Dinner was in Chinatown with half of the Crack Squad, then we rerouted back to our hotel in the Embarcadero. Sana, Jihyo, and I were arranged to share one room while Chaeyoung, Dahyun, and Tzuyu lodged across from us.  
  
In the middle of my shower, I heard Nayeon's strident voice peal through the walls in anguish. I slithered into my bathrobe and joined the rest of the crew in our bedroom. Sana is sobbing into her pillow while Jihyo is attemping to keep her composure.   
  
"You guys", I began, curling my towel around my head, "What's going on?"  
  
Nayeon handed Chaeyoung's smartphone to me, "Jeongyeon knows Chaeyoung's passcode and she uncovered these text messages. Look." 

**[10:13 p.m.] Untalented dirty ass.**

**[10:23 p.m.] Pretty face, but no talent.**

**[10:34 p.m.] Your height compliments the amount of skill that you have.**

**[10:38 p.m.] Why is it fair that you get to succeed while other people who are way more talented than you have to suffer?**

**[10:44 p.m.] Kissing up to Maestro Gilbert's ass just because of your disability, huh?**

**[10:45 p.m.] How about the other percussionists who didn't get a second audition? Did you think about them.**

**[10:50 p.m.] Kill yourself. It'll do a favor for those who actually deserve success.**

There were more texts that have yet to be read, but I didn't want to see them.  
  
How do people have the time and the nerve to say these things? It's despicable; it's incredibly insulting.  
  
I handed back Chaeyoung's phone to Nayeon, "This is absolutely disgusting..."  
  
"There are no caller identifications on these text messages", Jihyo considered, scratching her head, "Just phone numbers. We don't know how these strangers managed to get a hold of Chaeyoung's phone number, but these texts are not the only problem we're facing here. Dahyun and Tzuyu were just here a while ago to tell us that Chaeyoung is not in their hotel room."  
  
Jihyo says this but I think I might have an idea of who sent those text messages.   
  
"Chaeyoung doesn't even have her phone, so there's no way that we can contact her", Nayeon contemplates.  
  
I drew in a shuddering breath, "Are you telling me that Chaeyoung is missing?"  
  
"That's what it looks like", Jihyo said.  
  
"Momo contacted the police as well as Maestro Gilbert", Jeongyeon appeared through the doorway with Chaeyoung's laptop in hand, Tzuyu trailing behind, "There's going to be an enormous search around San Francisco as well as other surrounding cities."  
  
"Jeong", Jihyo pointed with her lips, "What's on Chaeyoung's laptop?"  
  
This is the first time I've ever seen Jeongyeon so debilitated, "I'm not sure if you want to hear it."  
  
"If it involves Chaeyoung then damn right I want to hear it", anger burned within me as I willed myself to figuring out Chaeyoung's situation.  
  
Jeongyeon reluctantly hands me the laptop and the bright screen reveals one of Chaeyoung's blog posts that is still in draft mode.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

**JUILLIARD ADMISSIONS BLOG**

**I'm Sorry Everyone**  
Written by: Son Chaeyoung — Second Year, Percussion Major

Dear colleagues, I'm sorry for what I've put you all through. I never meant to hurt anyone by accepting that second audition for the Juilliard Orchestra and taking the spots of people who are possible more talented than me. You're all right; I don't deserve this kind of love. I'm sorry for being such a burden by stealing the spotlight from others. I'm tired of haters. I'm exhausted of this cruel, twisted world that we live in. Again, I'm sorry for all of the pain I put towards everyone. Mina and Sana, I'm sorry for pretending to be strong. The truth is that I'm not. I can't handle the pain of being a waste of space to other people anymore, so I think it would be best if I was just gone.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

 _I can't believe it._  
  
My heartbeat was frantic, my mind resonating with the idea that Chaeyoung could just be an inch away from ending her life. I was too stunned to even cry because her blog post was just too heavy for me to process, and holding in these tears is making it difficult for me to breathe.  
  
"Hey, everyone", Tzuyu sighed, emanating seriousness, "We can't just sit here and ponder about Chaeyoung's whereabouts. We need to find her."

* * *

**BONUS (Sana and Chaeyoung. Part 3/5)**  
  
March 25, 2013: National Young Artists Competition  
  
Chaeyoung wasn't having it.  
  
_I hate competitions._  
  
She has endured the bouts of tinnitus since mid-January, and it had to hit her during the percussion section finals of the esteemed National Young Artists Competition. The ringing sensation distressed her halfway into her performance and she ended up dropping one of four mallets onto the floor, bewildering the audience members and her fellow percussionists remaining obstinate on the sidelines.  
  
"Is this the mallet musician that everyone was raving about last year?" Mei Qi, one of the percussionists, turns to her friend, Jaehyun.  
  
"I guess her magic withered away", his voice was low, disappointed.  
  
Twelve year-old Chaeyoung tried to hold back her tears as her violist friend, Jihyo, scooped the tiny girl up in her arms. _I can't believe this is happening to me. Among all moments that my hearing had to act up, why did it have to be today?_ These were her thoughts.  
  
"You performed well", Jihyo assured kindly, "It's normal to be nervous in these situations."  
  
_No Jihyo, you just don't know about my hearing problems. It's been like this since birth._  
  
But Chaeyoung didn't blame Jihyo, because she didn't even tell her about her auditory disorder, "I think we should get going. The winds are next."  
  
Then as the percussionists cleared the hallway, members of the woodwind division filed in with their skinny instruments, sweaty complexions, and reeds in their mouths. Chaeyoung groaned internally as the taller musicians tried to override her like a herd of moose, and then—  
  
_*BANG*_  
  
"Oi! Watch it motherfu—” she screamed before being cut off by Jihyo. It turned out that her head had collided into the bell of someone's bassoon.  
  
“Yah! Chaenggie, that’s rude!” the violist scolded, “Say sorry to Mina!”  
  
“Mina?” The short-haired girl’s lips twisted into a faint smile, “The one who keeps crushing everyone’s dreams at every competition?”  
  
Chaeyoung knew Mina pretty well. In fact, who doesn't? Mina is a musical prodigy born to venerated musicians of the New York Philharmonic. Whatever Mina's parents want is what Mina gets. She had never lost a single competition that she was enrolled in since the age of six.  
  
“I’m sorry?” the red-haired bassoonist questions.  
  
Jihyo attemps to ease the tension, “Oh my god. I am so sorry about her. She’s just salty because you defeated her at the World Festival for Young Artists in Belgium. By the way, my name is Park Jihyo and I’m a violist with the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra. Chaeyoung is a percussionist.”  
  
The smaller girl was becoming defensive, arms flapping almost comically, "I'm not salt—"  
  
“Yeah, I can see that”, Mina's intimidating gaze darts at the vibraphone mallets tightly gripped in Chaeyoung's left hand.  
  
And Chaeyoung had competed with Mina once before. Not directly since they both have different concentrations, but because there had been a brief moment in Belgium where one of Mina's friends, who went by the name of Reina, had ridiculed Chaeyoung after unintentionally tripping on her violin case. The rest of Mina's friends ganged up on the percussionist backstage, spouting insulting nicknames at her. On that day, Chaeyoung was glad to have tinnitus because she didn't want to hear a single word from those menacing girls and since then, Chaeyoung declared every person associated with Mina as a bully.  
  
Another thing that stumped Mina's friends was how Chaeyoung didn't even have to pay for her trip to Belgium, as her ability to travel abroad was funded by the director of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra, who valued Chaeyoung as one of their best percussionists after Sandara.  
  
“Anyways, good luck on your performance!” Jihyo flashed a smile at Mina while dragging Chaeyoung by the wristy.  
  
They arrived to the women's dressing room and Chaeyoung promptly braced for her mallet case so that she could leave the premises immediately. Briefly after the woodwind and the brass divisions had finished with their affairs for the day, the results were posted. For the woodwinds, Mina Myoui dominated the entire division with a near-perfect score, followed by Jennie Kim, Roseanne Park, Wen Junhui, and then Eunseo. For the brass division, the top five were Yoon Chaekyung, Im Jaebum, Mark Lee, Huang Ren Jun, and Wu Xuan Yi.   
  
Chaeyoung did not place in the top five of the percussion division. It was Himchan, Meng Mei Qi, Im Dayoung, Kunpimook Bhuwakul, and Jung Jaehyun. Jihyo did not rank in the strings division as well; it was Eunha, Jackson Wang, Kyla Massie, Zhou Jieqiong, and Lee Luda.  
  
"I can't believe that you're not in the top five", Chaeyoung told Jihyo, "You played with much more emotion than the contenders."  
  
"Eunha was great, though. [Kreisler](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnW_Nhpt7no) was a good choice for a lyrical piece", Jihyo smiled warmly, fingers interwined with Chaeyoung, "I still can't believe that _you_ aren't in the top five. The other percussionists were good, but I think that they're a bit overrated. Too technical, too boring."  
  
"At least they're overrated for a good reason", Chaeyoung said bitterly, "He didn't drop this mallets."  
  
"Hey, now", Jihyo shook the smaller girl's hand, "Just because you dropped one of your mallets doesn't mean that you didn't put on a good show."  
  
"I know, but—"  
  
"Can you two morons move? I can't see the rankings", Jihyo and Chaeyoung whipped their heads around to see a group of girls who were fairly taller than them.   
  
Jihyo bowed her head on impulse, "We're sorry. We were just—"  
  
"Why are you two so surprised at the results?" a girl with strong eyes and a clarinet case affronted. Jihyo speculated that it was Jennie Kim and her four-member crew, who remained reserved and composed as Jennie did a majority of the talking. "It's a formal competition; not a popularity contest. Technicality _always_ trumps emotion and personality in competitions. That's just the way things are supposed to be. If you don't like the way this world works, then maybe you shouldn't become a professional musician."  
  
"Then why are you even a musician?" Chaeyoung retaliates at the four girls encircling her and Jihyo. Her knuckles turned white from clenching her fist too hard, and gritted teeth from effort to not cause a scene. "What's the point if you can't even enjoy what you do?"  
  
"Sounds like something a newbie would say", Jennie chortled before reinstating her point, "It's not a matter of whether you like it; it's whether you're good at it. You can't be in love with something you're not good at, and you shouldn't be the one to talk if you didn't place in the top five."  
  
That devastated Chaeyoung. She was too bereaved from her dreadful performance to cry out or moan; she just stood there as still as a statue while the magnitude of her loss swept over her like the sea. _Maybe she's right. I shouldn't enter competitions like these anymore._  
  
_I hate competitions. And I hate competitive people._  
  
"Hey Jennie", the red-haired prodigy, in all of her grandness, stepped into the middle of the quarreling circle, "Leave them alone."  
  
"M-Mina?" in the grip of silent panic, Jisoo's eyes raised in surprise at her idol as she squealed aloud, "Wah! She's so cool!"  
  
"Control yourself, unnie", Rosé rolled her eyes. Lisa seemed as if she wanted to drop to the floor and roll around the carpet in intense laughter.  
  
Jennie didn't do anything to turn the tables on Mina. In these days, everyone was frightened by Mina and her influence. The longer she stared into Mina's terrorizing eyes, the greater her chances of her brain synapses firing up like a cluster bomb. Jennie snatched Rosé and Lisa's wrists and marched out of the main lobby of the competition's venue, whereas Jisoo stayed behind in an attempt to get Mina's autograph. Jihyo and Chaeyoung remained frozen in place until Jisoo left and Mina came into their full view.  
  
_Woah. She's so imposing. I think I might become her fan._  Chaeyoung thought to herself, her mind depleting into a mental soup of emotions.  
  
Then Mina turned to Chaeyoung with an apologetic smile, "I'm sorry for bumping into you earlier."  
  
_And she apologized to me too?_  
  
"Will you forgive me?"  
  
Chaeyoung nodded slowly, "Y-Yes."  
  
_Shit. Maybe Mina isn't a bad person after all._  
  
"Mina! I saw your parents waiting at the front entrance. I think that they're looking for you", a blonde girl with a horn case under her arm skipped up to them. Chaeyoung thought that she was cute too, but her high-pitched voice was gritting at her eardrums like a cheese grater.   
  
"Oh, Sana..." Mina's voice wavered after hearing the word 'parents', but she recovered her smile to address Jihyo and Chaeyoung, "I guess I better get going then."

* * *

Wednesday: April 9, 2016 — First Day of San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra Rehearsals  
  
Looking out the window, the morning fog subsided into the afternoon and the sun was peaking through the grey clouds like a pot of molten lava.   
  
_Today is going to be a new day._  
  
Chaeyoung picked at her left ear while she was riding the MUNI bus from the Mission District to the Davies Symphony Hall. She believed that her hearing had become worse since the National Young Artists Competition, and her situation didn't become much better when rowdy high schoolers began pouring into the bus like a school of fish. Chaeyoung clutched her mallet case to her chest in fear that someone might snatch it from her, even though there's a reduced chance of theft during the daytime, let alone in San Francisco.  
  
She inhaled the fresh scent of afternoon air after mounting off the bus, donning a cheap set of earphones as she migrated from the bus stop to her youth orchestra's rehearsal space. Chaeyoung found that she had to notch the volume up to near-maximum capacity because her ears weren't processing the sonority of her music in such a low degree. It was frustrating — not just the thought of losing her hearing but also worrying about whether she'll hear her own music again. She was born with hearing problems, but doctors couldn't identify what was the cause of this disability and how it could've been prevented. They speculated that it was could be because of premature birth, but the other variables were missing.  
  
Mina's recording of Debussy's _[La fille aux cheveux de lin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ts9pdxGvJU) (The Girl with the Flaxen Hair)_  with Aya Takamoto, harpist of the Tokyo Symphony Orchestra, sprung up on Spotify and Chaeyoung's crotchety attitude took a one-eighty degree turn. _La fille_ brings about a sense of mellow, low-pitched lyricism and warmth, which is uncharacteristic for a detail-oriented musician like Mina. Chaeyoung loved the dark and sustaining effect of the two instruments, ringing with clear contours that emerged especially in pianissimo passages and bass lines. It reminded her of a rather lax childhood — one before the copious strains of auditions, youth orchestra performances, critics, and competitions.  
  
Especially before competitions.  
  
And when Mina used the high register of the bassoon — light, wafting, bright, and rich — it shuddered her skin in the feeling of wistfulness. Mina and Aya's velvety and voluminous blends continued as Chaeyoung swung past the strings, beyond the woodwinds, and behind the brass.  
  
"Hey, Last Chair. You're sitting in my seat", Naeun’s pink lips moved, forming words that Chaeyoung had not expected.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Removing her earphones, Chaeyoung stole a glance at the blonde girl who was having trouble navigating her seat in the horn section. Her high-pitched voice sparked a memory of a previous competition in her mind. _Isn't that the girl who was friends with Mina?_   _What was her name again?_  
  
Naeun took a deep breath before repeating the phrase in her thick Korean accent, "You're sitting in my seat, Sana. Leave."  
  
_Oh. It's Sana._  
  
Naeun isn't one of the most friendly musicians in the youth orchestra, and Chaeyoung would know because she's a veteran of the ensemble and the assistant principal percussionist. Her personality is almost as similar to that of Jennie's or Reina's — snarky, confident, and unreasonably rude.   
  
She hates competitive people, and Naeun is no exception to that type.  
  
Chaeyoung's mind backtracked to the day that she ran into Jennie and her friends. She figured that if Mina were here, Naeun would've backed the fuck off from Sana influence is everything in the classical music world. Chaeyoung has some influence in the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra, being one of Maestro Shimazaki's favorites and being the assistant principal percussionist destined for Sandara's first seat after she graduates from college. Her gut was screaming at her to do something about Sana's situation.  
  
_Mina didn't leave me hanging when I was confronted with Jennie, so I should do the same and protect Sana, who is one of Mina's friends._  
  
And somehow, she mustered up enough confidence to oppose Naeun.  
  
"You could've asked her politely", Chaeyoung reprimanded, "No need to be snappy."  
  
"Chaeyoung?" the boorish girl turned around and fixed her gaze at the shorter girl, "I don't care if you or your friend have all authority among our sections. It's only common sense that she has to move when I arrive. Isn't she a junior? She should know better. Now please, move."  
  
"You can't just show up and expect her to know your place", Chaeyoung chided in a loud voice, attracting the attention of the rest of the orchestra members, "Sana is new here. As her fellow orchestra members, we need to be respectful and be good models to our new arrivals. It'd be shameful if she left with the dissatisfactory example that you're demonstrating right now."  
  
"But—"  
  
"Shut it, Naeun", Yoona rebuked the younger girl.  
  
Chaeyoung's thunder was long gone when the youth orchestra's principal hornist stepped into the rehearsal space, hair flowing like the goddess of beauty and skin shinning like the chandelier above. Nobody would dare talk back to Yoona, one of the most revered young musicians on earth along with Mina. It wasn't just Yoona's elegance that made her so popular; it was her reputation as one of the best hornists of the twenty-first century.  
  
Naeun attempted to reason with Yoona, "Sana started it!"  
  
But she didn't pay regard to her excuse, "I said shut it."  
  
"Let's begin rehearsals!" Maestro Shimazaki announced and everyone scrambled to their positions. _Ah fuck. I think I failed my mission._  
  
Sana stood up and started heading towards the seat that Yoona kindly directed her to, Naeun sharing a snarky look to the innocent girl. Chaeyoung's shoulders just slackened while she trudged to the back of the ensemble, surrounded by a valley of weird percussion instruments.

* * *

Sunday: April 24, 2016  
  
The youth orchestra is alive with the propelling tuning of instruments and the animated voices of the musicians themselves.  _Another day, another rehearsal._ Chaeyoung thought as she was tying a cymbal strap for Bruckner's [_Eighth_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wbf5SVOXI0), and then practicing her tambourine part for Ginastera's [ _Estancia Suite_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VjZylgB7tE). Fortuitously, her eyes were employed on the last four seats of the horn section.   
  
She recalled from last night, whilst drumming on her knees and riding the bus through Golden Gate Park, the solemn and metallic timbre of a horn or two, possessing an extremely mellow and full sound. Chaeyoung wasn't sure if she was hallucinating in that instant, but she was absolutely sure that there a girl with golden blonde hair was standing there, in a pastoral setting in San Francisco.   
  
Just like the girl with the flaxen hair.  
  
Other than Sana, no one else has blonde hair and plays the horn. It must've been her playing there last night. It had to be.   
  
Chaeyoung's eyes were zeroed in with Sana throughout the entirety of rehearsals, restless and obliged. Throughout Bruckner, Naeun was still shooting dirty looks at Sana from her second seat and whenever Naeun did so, Sana would lose her focus and miss every entrance.  
  
It came to a point where Chaeyoung became sick of Naeun's actions. Naeun isn't even the section leader; Yoona is, and Yoona isn't dumb in the slightest. If she believes that somebody in her section was not trying hard enough, she would know and give those dirty looks instead.  
  
Yoona did not do that today, because she knows that Sana is trying her hardest in the downcast of events.  
  
During breaktime, Chaeyoung made haste to the rooftop of the Davies Symphony Hall. Technically, the area is restricted and no person is allowed to trespass there, but there were no guards to supervise the premises on weekdays. The other youth orchestra musicians, at least the younger ones who aren't of the legal smoking age, don't know of the rooftop at all. Chaeyoung only knows of the rooftop because the orchestra's timpanist used to smoke weed in between breaks. But today, he wasn't there because he and his friends were having lunch at Off the Grid in Civic Center.   
  
Chaeyoung likes to visit the rooftop to clear her mind and escape from the tomfoolery expended from her section and the brass section in front of them. Her ears can only manage so much noise, so much that earplugs became her close friend. Sure it will stun her hearing, but she needs it in order not to have an earache. Lessening her hearing permits better results and less migraines compared to getting ear-split by the brass.  
  
A few flights of steps forward to the rooftop and Chaeyoung could detect the melodiousness of a singular horn. She recognized the melody from  _[The Voice of Heaven](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PJi-k5ac1U),_  an excerpt from the third movement of Bruckner's Eighth. It's the part where the horns and Wagner Tuben come together to represent a yearning for peace and security to feelings of triumph. The title is derived from the idea of the heavens opening up.  
  
_God, that sounds beautiful. Must be Yoona.  
  
Wait, no. Maybe it's Sana_  
  
The door to the rooftop was already opened by the time Chaeyoung reached the last flight of steps. The interpretation was very lustrous and bell-like; bright and ringing in the upper register like a silver lining breaking through an array of grey clouds, and that's what the weather looked like today as well. Chaeyoung turned at the corner to find that it wasn't Yoona who was playing.  
  
It was Sana. Her musicality matched that of last night's.   
  
_She sounds so much better here than during rehearsals._  
  
In fact, Sana uses so much more power in the upper register and it amazes Chaeyoung because she's _alone_ and not coupled with seven other hornists, one of whom is the sensational Yoona. Sana could just take a piece and make it into her own; she could project anything onto it and listeners would still be gratified. Chaeyoung has heard other hornists before — in competitions — but neither of them could tear her heartstrings or tug at her spine as intensely as Sana could. Talent is one aspect of success, but passion is what truly grips Chaeyoung's attention.  
  
Out of breath, Sana lowered her horn to see that Chaeyoung was just standing there, half-shadowed by the wall opposite from her.  
  
"I'm astonished", says Chaeyoung, "You're so good. I even heard you play at Golden Gate Park last night."  
  
"You did?"  
  
_Oh, so it was her._  
  
"I'm so jealous of you", Chaeyoung puffs out a laugh, "I don't think I could ever play like that. Is there some secret formula that I'm not aware of?"  
  
"I just think of my dad", Sana just shrugged, "I mean, I'm already done with emotional counseling and all that. But when you want to play emotionally, it just helps to think about a personal experience that has affected you in some way or another."  
  
_Emotional counseling? Dad? What?_  
  
"He died before I could actually become competent at my instrument", Sana's eyes are immersed in the sunlight as she speaks, "I cried about it for a couple of days, but I growing up with a spiritual background, loving parents, and a supportive counselor had helped me to overcome those things. And also, it really helps to pick up an instrument and just play your heart out in times like these. That's what my dad taught me."  
  
"I'm glad", Chaeyoung affirmed, "You're a lot stronger than I am."  
  
They sat side-by-side against the wall facing the solar panels, conversing about their favorite composers and how they began choosing their respective instruments in the first place. Oh, and Mina's name was brought into the conversation as well. Sana seemed to take pleasure in sharing hilarious, sometimes embarrassing stories about their childhood back in New York City. But Sana mostly said good things about Mina.  
  
"Not too long after switching instruments, Mina could already play piano pieces", Sana continued, "On a bassoon."  
  
"The fuck?" Chaeyoung could hardly believe what Sana was expounding about.  _How does Mina even breathe? Does she even breathe at all?_  
  
"I guess Mina's parents found out about her potential so they drilled her to work as soon as they can", she speculated, thumbing at the back of her neck, "Like, when I got to the point where I could play easy pieces on the horn, Mina was performing pieces like Hindemith's [_Sonata_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIzIE1IcBng), Dai Fujikura's [_Calling_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhvrk-MXnDk) or even Liszt's [ _La Campanella_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhvrk-MXnDk). You should watch how her fingers move, or her breathwork; it's scary to see from an eleven year-old."  
  
"I read one of her interviews in an online Classic FM article that she played to the point of a nosebleed", Chaeyoung added, "I mean, playing percussion instruments does cause pain in my wrists sometimes, but not to the point of shedding blood."  
  
"Mina dominates in competitions that way", Sana sighs, slipping her horn under her arm, "That's why I don't really compete. I'm good, but I can't possibly amount to the greatness of competitive horn players like per say, Yoon Chaekyung? Or Son Naeun? That'll drive me nuts."  
  
"I'm sure you can if the judges are open-minded and decide to use lyricism in their critera, and not just technicalities", Chaeyoung assures.  
  
"But they don't."  
  
"And that's why I declared that I hated competitions", the percussionist wagged her pointer finger.  
  
"Does that have to do with why you said that I'm a lot stronger than you?"  
  
_Oh shit._  
  
"Because from what I've seen a few weeks ago, you're a lot stronger than me", Sana pressed, "I couldn't talk back to Naeun like that."  
  
Chaeyoung is well aware of the fact that she's not an emotionally strong person when it comes to facing bullies. Just because Maestro Shimazaki likes her and the other youth musicians respect her, doesn't mean that Chaeyoung has the capacity to conquer everything and everyone that comes her way. She was only able to confront Naeun once, but the chances of her doing it again are fairly low.  
  
"My fault. I should've not asked that", Sana acknowledged, leaning in to grant Chaeyoung one of her famous tight, suffocating hugs. Chaeyoung can't breathe.   
  
_I'm not as strong as you think._

* * *

Monday: October 10, 2016 **—** ARD Interational Music Competition  
  
The stage lights bounce off the petite girl's dark eyes, gripping her mallets as if they were handguns.  
  
Son Chaeyoung holds back her tears as she stares at her reflection on the surface of her vibraphone. The so-called "percussionist extraordinaire" had just gave her worst performance tonight at one of the most revered music competitions in the world — The ARD International Music Competition in Munich, Germany. The audience, sprinkled with professional music critics here and there, gives Chaeyoung a respectful applause before chattering likes birds again, criticizing her performance. If only she had not hammered the wrong note in Sejourné's [_Vibraphone Concerto_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AeTs4p-VLE).  
  
Chaeyoung makes a quick bow and scurries backstage, whirring by a handful of percussionists who had just witnessed this embarrassment right in front of their eyes. She locates her personal backstage room at the end of the hallway. Tucking her prized mallets gently in its case, like a mother tending to her baby birds, she wipes the tears off her red eyes and takes in a deep breath.  
  
She can't wait to get the hell out of this place.  
  
"I can't believe that people like you have been allowed to compete", this one British flutist spat at Chaeyoung.  
  
Another Slovenian percussionist joined in, "Only pretty faces; no talent."  
  
"What about all of the other talented musicians who weren't even invited to perform here?" a Lithuanian timpanist said, giving off some sort of sour expression, "It's not fair to them that **you** have to take their place when they're clearly more deserving of that place."  
  
_How can you say that? You have no idea how hard I worked to get here. Mistakes do not define my abilities._  
  
"I think she's deaf", an American cellist chortled.  
  
_That's not funny. You don't know what I'm going through._  
  
The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her small face with the muscles of her chin quivering like a crying child. There is the same static in her head from tinnitus — the side effect of this constant fear, constant stress that she lives with. She sees the other contestants giggling at her, but she can't hear them. Their mouths are wide open and many of them are holding their stomachs from their conjoined laughter.  
  
_I hate competitions._


	29. lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.
> 
> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and we can have a conversation. This story was made to highlight and give awareness to serious topics that are apparent in the real world. In no way do I want to offend or hurt anybody. These events may originate from my life as well. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_lullaby_  
Origin: English  
A quiet, gentle song sung to send a person to sleep

**The Thirty-Sixth Measure**

Saturday: March 27, 2021  
  
I've been trying to run all my life, thinking that the world is out to get me. Anxiety says that everyone hates you.  
  
The music industry is not a bed of roses. There's a lot of stress to perform well especially when you've been winning all your life. One wrong move and you're out. Lack of sleep, sickness, and mental health become inexcusable because all the audience cares about is what you put out on stage.   
  
Around two years ago, around the month of August, I had to carry out the premiere of _The Black Swan_ in front of millions of viewers and hundreds of critics. Prior to the live broadcast of the BBC Proms, I experienced baffling dizzy spells accompanied by a heart speeding at a rate that I could not fathom. I was getting lightheaded; oddly detatched from reality. My panic attack built to a tremendous crescendo and I wanted to run.  
  
Guess what my parents said?  
  
Mina. The critics will always be there. Get over it.  
  
Sure. Like I have the power to control the amount of hate and skepticism that is projected towards me.   
  
Being in the spotlight was never a comfortable feeling because you feel like everyone is watching you, staring you down and sometimes praying that you'd slip up. This feeling doesn't just apply to performances; it happens everywhere — from the dressing room to the streets of New York to your very bedroom. It's difficult to breathe knowing that someone out there is talking behind your back every second of the day, gushing mean and hurtful things that could be an impediment to your self esteem. And then people tell you to get over it because it's the life that you asked for.  
  
_Maybe if you were talented, then you wouldn't get so much hate,_ is what they'd say, and they're wrong. No one deserves to be in the face of malicious comments and death threats. Chaeyoung didn't ask for it; she just wants to live doing what she loves.  
  
I know exactly how Chaeyoung feels. It's disheartening when people try to determine your worth and your hard work solely based on bad or underwhelming performances. A demanding career, the strife competition, and the pressure to live up to society's standards can leave you exhausted and on the brink of dangerous thoughts. You can become extremely sensitive and feel as though everything is an attack.  
  
"Chaeyoung! Where are you? Please..." I cried hysterically, sweat beading along my forehead after reaching the rooftop of the Davies Symphony Hall. Sana said that the rooftop was one of Chaeyoung's favorite places to hang around, so that location was the first place I had in mind.  
  
_Mina, you idiot. Chaeyoung can't hear you._  
  
It's past midnight and I think I might collapse onstage in the heap of exhaustion. I'm not even supposed to be in the auditorium after operation hours, but Sana and Jihyo claimed that the security guards around the Davies Symphony Hall are oblivious; so oblivious that the youth orchestra's former timpanist could get away with dealing marajuana. You know what? I could really use a joint right now, but it's not good for my lungs. I need my lungs not just because I'm a fucking bassoonist; because I can't breathe from the negativism encircling my existence.  
  
I haven't been able to find Chaeyoung throughout plausible areas within Civic Center, not even at the rooftop embedded with solar panels and the ghost of the drug-dealing timpanist. I'm still buzzing over what The Six were talking about a couple of nights ago and whether or not their talk had a correlation with Chaeyoung's disappearance. It's draining to rise to my knees and stand tall after hustling and hyperventilating for hours on end.    
  
There's still no phone call from Jeongyeon and the others concerning the percussionist's whereabouts. San Francisco is not as overwhelming as New York City, but it's a city with a blanket of fog that can swallow a small girl in its shadows of melancholy and worthlessness.  
  
Through a text message, Maestro Gilbert orders us to return to our hotel rooms, ensuring that the police will handle the case. On the bus heading back to the hotel, a dejected foghorn calls out within an earshot from the waterfront — a sign of uncertainty.

* * *

**The Thirty-Seventh Measure**

Today is the last day of Wagner's _Ring Cycle_ and Chaeyoung isn't here.  
  
[_Twilight of the Gods_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufTndujS5Bs) is the final part and Wagner's most monumental opera in this cycle, spanning five hours and thirty minutes in length. The epic journey of gods, mortals, giants, and dragons is about to come to a thunderous end.  
  
It's a struggle to get through this opera when you know exactly what the themes are. _Twilight of the Gods_ is all about fate and doom.  
  
The first scene illustrates the Norns, daughters of earth goddess Erda, entwining the threads of fate at the base of the World Ash Tree. The Norns perceive Siegfried’s future before the thread perplexingly breaks. This segment then shifts to the mountain where Siegfried and Brünnhilde are giving their farewells before Siegfried departs to seek adventure. Siegfried hands over the divine ring to Brünnhilde for safe-keeping to symbolize their love and trust. The scene of the World Ash Tree reflects the opening of the first opera in the _Ring Cycle_ , [_The Rhinegold_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meGuEnjERxc), with the three Rhinemaidens and the misdeed against nature with the misuse of the gold, which Wagner reminds us of with the [Rhine motif](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ATmAIo6lHQ).  
  
Gathering my dress beneath my thighs, I positioned my bassoon diagonally across my body and waited for my cue.  
  
The World Ash Tree is where Wotan submitted an eye to drink from the stream of wisdom, and also where he mangled a limb from the tree to construct his spear. Because of Wotan’s abuse of power, the tree is deceased. Wotan misemployed his judgment, dulled his intelligence, and his integrity, epitomized by the stream of wisdom becoming parched. The Norns speak of the final debacle of the old world order which has become putrid at its 'roots.' The tree now administers the funeral fuel for the lingering gods who are subdued to their doom.   
  
What comes to my mind were those degrading Chaeyoung. Wotan's narrative comes to show that there are people who go through great lengths to make themselves feel relevant or achieve fame and glory, even if their methods of fulfillment are considered questionable or immoral.   
  
There's a long intermission in between Acts One and Two, though it feels as if I had endured an entire opera. We're not even halfway done.  
  
It has become a hassle to to stand up from my seat, knee caps benumbed and eyes bloodshot. Countless instruments are resting on chairs while the musicians sitting around me gracelessly file out of the pit area like a troop of zombies. I wasn't in the mood to spiffy up since I only gained four hours of sleep, and thus I decided to leave my hair down and apply minimal makeup to my face. The _Ring Cycle_ is a debilitating work and four straight days of performances makes me want to drop dead in my chair, bassoon in two hands.  
  
In the middle of changing her reed, Jennie unanticipatedly veers over to my side and touches my shoulder with hers, "What's with the long face?"  
  
"Chaeyoung is missing and it worries me that she might be dead", I mumbled, hoping that Jennie couldn't comprehend a single word that I said.  
  
She cocks her head, "Chaeyoung is what?"  
  
"Chaeyoung is missing and she might be dead", Vernon recapitulated for her.  
  
"She probably gave up", Jennie crossed her legs and reclined in her chair, "I mean, this is the music industry. You're going to get criticized for your entire life, but you can't sugar coat things like this and expect things to get easier. She's just being a baby. In all honesty, she should quit."  
  
_A baby?_  
  
"Death threats are not constructive criticism", I'm getting infuriated at this point, but I kept my cool since Maestro Gilbert is on his podium.  
  
"She can't let that get to her", she insinuated, "You need a tough skin to survive here and death threats should be the least of her worries."  
  
"You sent Chaeyoung those death threats, didn't you?" Tzuyu accused as she entered the pit.  
  
Jennie crossed her hands and threw her head back in laughter, and now the air here is becoming suffocating, "Where does the basis of your argument come from? Do you have any proof that I sent Chaeyoung those death threats?  
  
"Don't play innocent with me. I remember exactly what you said on that train ride home last month", the cellist revealed as I laid my instrument down.  
  
"Then what did I say?" she challenged.  
  
"That you and the 'Spectacular Shits' wanted to hurt Chaeyoung as a way to trigger Mina, whom you hated ever since she defeated you in past competitions. You couldn't face Mina directly because her fanbase is here, so you decided to take out your bitterness on Chaeyoung as a way to indirectly hurt Mina. Well guess what, bitch? Mina now knows about your true intentions", Tzuyu rehashed and it puts me on edge.  
  
Jennie is so uncomfortable, that she remained eerily silent and didn't even budge when Tzuyu reiterated her plans in front of me.  
  
I keep my eyes fixed up at the clarinetist, but now my hands balled into fists by my sides, "Is this true? Did you really want to hurt me?"  
  
She didn't say anything.  
  
"Seriously, how fucking low do you have to be to invest time on harming others mentally and emotionally? What's even lower is that you consciously chose to harass someone who is disabled", I squared my shoulders and stepped into Jennie's personal space, feeling the hot blood in my ears in this second. Jennie is crumbling and so are the other musicians surrounding me.  
  
"Why don't you guys just check Chaeyoung's texts and look at the phone number of the sender before making assumptions?" Vernon was getting quite antsy at our bickering, "Then you could call that number on a different phone and figure out who the person is."  
  
"We didn't ask you to get involved, nitwit", Jennie jeered.  
  
Vernon raised his arms in defense, "Somebody had to say it."  
  
He does make a point. Ten minutes before the second act begun, I stabilized mine and Chaeyoung's phone behind my music stand: Chaeyoung's phone displaying the messaging application where she received her malicious texts and my phone listing my contacts with their phone numbers, including those involved with The Six. I never deleted their phone numbers even after our breakup and I can't recall why.  
  
There's a flow of dead air where I could feel my eyes widen. None of The Six's phone numbers match up with the caller ID who sent Chaeyoung those texts. _If Reina, Yuzuna, Shuuka, Karen, Jennie, and Somi didn't construct those texts, then who the hell did?_  
  
Unless those girls hijacked another phone and impersonated someone. Otherwise, why else would Jennie call out Vernon? I'm getting suspicious.  
  
Siegfried withheld the ring that he stole from Brünnhilde — a sign of greed in him, making him exposed to the curse of the ring. He actually repeated Wotan's mistakes in Act One — betraying love, seizing the ring from his lover by force, and being confident in his own power without knowing of the ring's origins and its curse — but I forgot to mention this. In Act Two, Brünnhilde belts out, "He forced from me delight and love," to the loveless theme, but her trembling modification of the motif alludes to her deception.   
  
_Deception._ Such a word can have so much significance.  
  
Act Three kicks off with Sana's rapturous horn pointedly juxtaposed with threatening tones, stressing the power of the Ring. The music then reminds us of the very beginning of The Ring with the instinctive cadence of the Rhine and the alluring resonance of the Rhinegold in its authentic, immaculate shape. The Rhinemaidens bathe contentedly in the reservoir until Siegfried surfaces.  
  
But this time, the Rhinemaidens are wallowing in desperation for the Rhine gold. The Rhinemaidens urge Siegfried to return the ring to escape the curse. Primitively, Siegfried is predisposed to form a transaction with the ring, but then he rebuffs and laughs at the maidens for making a contract out of his life. This show of disdain and greediness places him under the ring's curse. Siegfried reminisces of Brünnhilde for one last time and dies at the hand of Alberich's illegitimate son Hagen, who delivers a singular stab on Siegfried's back.  
  
_[Siegfried's Funeral March](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXh5JprKqiU) _ is one of Wagner's most monumental pieces within _The Ring_. In the expanse of ten minutes, Wagner musters an extensive heap of the motifs directly adhered with Siegfried, to all intents and purposes in their initial forms and at their most discernible, and pulverizes them in the inexorable grip of the funeral march. The march itself is comprised of only two strands: a firm rhythmic pattern from Jeongyeon’s timpani associated with a massive heartbeat, and a bleak, grumling bass motive which casts a shroud of gloom over the entirety of this piece. The bassoon parts are exceedingly depressing with its thick, heavy low noted plangency.  
  
The passage opens with the perishing Siegfried’s send-off to Brünnhilde, a humane passage delegated by the intermittence – over a palpitating woodwind accompaniment – of a theme correlated with the hero throughout The Ring.  
  
The Funeral Music begins as the two-note rhythm and rumbling low strings make their comeback. Moonlight splits through the barrier of clouds as the funeral procession makes its increment. During the paramount climax, there are a variety of motives especially those interconnected with Siegfried, his sword, and his mission, recited by the grim brass that displays a musical eulogy for the fallen hero.  
  
**\----  
  
Fog rolled in, flew up and over the iconic Golden Gate Bridge, wrapping it in a hazy, billowing embrace. A few inches down the runway was a girl with a small frame wearing a short, black-laced dress adorned with sheer ruffles in the front and long in the back. It was funeral wear.  
  
_Where am I? What the hell is going on?_**  
  
**As the bridge began to descend lower, I started to notice that the little girl was still there, her body hunched over the ledge as dejected eyes stared densely at the reflection of her despondent figure through the rippled waters of the Bay. I felt the loneliness and longing in her face, even though I can't actually see it from afar. With the bridge becoming flat, I thought about crossing to the other side before noting something wrong; the girl lifted one leg up to the ledge, then the other before she stood firmly, keeping her balance in the process.  
  
And then she turned her face swiveled around to acknowledge my presence, "Mina?"  
  
"Ch-Chaeyoung?"  
  
"Thank you for being a good friend", she giggled, "I hope to see you sometime in the afterlife."  
  
I dropped my instrument case and backpack in shock, throwing abandon to the wind, "NO! STOP—"  
  
But it was too late. ** **Chaeyoung leaped with a huge grin on her face, her small body plunging into the murky depths of the ocean. I kept shaking my head back and forth like a stubborn dog as tears of pain welled in my reddened eyes.  
  
_Please stop this. I hate this._**  
  
**\----**  
  
When I opened my eyes again, I was transported back into the same dusty, dim-litted pit of the War Memorial House. Somehow, tears scraped my chin and my chest was throbbing with the allusion to Siegfried's stab on his back by Hagen.  
  
_Jesus. Was I hallucinating? Or was this a sign of the future?_  
  
Joshua leaned over to turn the page on my _Twilight of the Gods_  score and I nodded at him as a way of saying thanks.  
  
Wagner settled on linking Siegfried's catastrophe with the doom of the gods. Brünnhilde ignites herself with the ring, the Rhine river floods, Valhalla is consumed by flames, the gods burn to death, and the curtain falls. According to Speer, a chief architect, the Berlin Philharmonic's final performance before their departure from Berlin at the end of World War II in Europe was Brünnhilde's sacrifice at the end of the opera.  
  
It just comes to show that the greed for greatness and dominance is a bottomless pit that will never rest until its satisfied, and it will never be satisfied. As long as greed is bigger and more powerful than compassion, happiness will never be achieved and there will always be suffering.

* * *

**The Thirty-Eighth Measure**

Sunday: March 28, 2021  
  
I don't recall getting much sleep that night. All I remember from last night was Eunha insisting that I needed a cocktail, talking about Wagner over Sangria, passing out like the lightweighted idiot that I am, and Jackson piggybacking me back to the hotel while Eunha took care of my bassoon.  
  
I just sat in bed donned in my silk pajamas, my eye traveling towards the window, where a view of buildings were veiled in the lightest of mists and the waterfront became a somber white as if daylight was encircled by twilight. My lips are sore from the past four straight days of concerts, so I didn't feel like picking up my bassoon and practicing for my LSO audition. I crawled over to the foot of the bed to reach the remote and began surfing through random channels in our room's cable television set.  
  
*click*

_["It's like a bison's penis, WHAT IS THAT SHIT?"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT7FHjpvsPo) _

*click*

[ _"Are you ready kids?"_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9L4AseD-aA)

[ _"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!"_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9L4AseD-aA)

*click*

_"Thank you, Sandra. And now we move onto the Bay Area news. On March 27, 2021 at 11:33 p.m. in San Francisco, the body of a small girl was found outside of Walgreens on the corner of Powell Street and O'Farrell Street. This girl was identified by the name of Son Chaeyoung."_

_What?_  
  
I cranked the volume up and listened attentively to the newswoman. 

_"A young girl by the name of Jeon Somi found Chaeyoung on the streets on the way back to her hotel from a music festival and immediately called the police to come and pick up Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung was rushed to the UCSF Emergency Department and doctors have been working tirelessly to recover her from what spectators had hypothesized to be an attempted suicide by drug overdose."_

Indeed. The girl projected on the screen was Chaeyoung.  
  
Outside of a pharmacy, Chaeyoung threw back a couple of sleeping pills and has been deemed unconscious. Her short hair was slightly disheveled, wearing a black knit pullover and jean shorts. In white italicized font, the text on shirt read as this:

[ _"Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities, weaknesses, and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear."_ ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/96/13/33/9613332b73db683abf187a2df501d222.jpg)

I turned off the television, laughed a little until tears welled up in my eyes.  
  
Chaeyoung was just here a three days ago, sharing the same queen-sized bed as me.  
  
Chaeyoung's mallet case is still laying limp next to the dresser, waiting for its owner to return.  
  
She might not return.  
  
With Barber's _[Adagio for Strings](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQsgE0L450) _ dolefully echoing from my headset, I threw on my green parka, white socks, and Chuck Taylors before taking off to the waterfront of the Embarcadero. The seagulls evacuated the premises before I could cry out to the waves.   
  
"CHAEYOUNG!" In my own intense silence, I screamed with my whole body: eyes wide with agony, mouth rigid and open, chalky face emaciated and stagnant, the fists grappled on the hand railings with blanched knuckles and the nails frigid and gaunt.   
  
My stomach folded over, and my fingers are shaking so violently that they could fall off. I'm having a difficult time hanging onto the railings.   
  
No, I'm having a difficult time hanging on in general.  
  
"Come back... please..." the words squeak out as my throat ran dry from all the shouting. I let the tears descend liberally, and now my cold hands are holding onto my face as I'm walking away from the railings separating land and sea. 

* * *

**The Thirty-Ninth Measure**

Monday: March 29, 2021  
  
Among all of the days I could've had my LSO audition scheduled, it had to be the day after Chaeyoung was admitted to the hospital. Sana and I are in London now and I haven't caught much sleep during the flight from SFO to Heathrow, and once we disembarked from the airplane and checked into our hotel in Westminister, I only had three hours to prepare for this audition.   
  
My audition lasted for about twenty minutes. It could've been longer if I wasn't such a blubbering mess.  
  
"When you're ready, please begin with the opening solo to Tchaikovsky's [_Sixth Symphony_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDqCIcsUtPI)", one member of the judging committee stated.  
  
_The Sixth Symphony._  
  
I complied, fought the tears, forced a great deal of air into my lungs, and prepared my embouchure.    
  
Tchaikovsky's _Sixth Symphony,_  also notated as "The Passionate Symphony", was a vast conclusion to his compositional career. The idea that it was his last symphony brought up many concerns. Richard Taruskin, a musicologist and a firm critic, explicated on this particular symphony in his book [_On Russian Music_](http://www.ucpress.edu/book.php?isbn=9780520268067) that The Sixth stipulated suicide theories as the premiere performance had taken place nine days before Tchaikovsky's death. The pensive finale is marked as  _morendo_ , meaning 'dying away'. When The Sixth was executed again weeks later, in memoriam of Tchaikovsky, everyone listened for foreshadowing. The Sixth was apparently a suicide note composed out of Tchaikovsky's episodes of depression.  
  
The opening bassoon solo is incredibly distressing and disturbing to listen to because the slow, gradual nature of it displays hardship. The low notes evoke a marked sense of anxiety and lamentation, and vibrato is sanctioned to envision a figure curled up in the fetal position, trembling in fear.  
  
It takes a lot to get through the opening solo without shedding a single tear because ideal of The Sixth _perfectly_ matches Chaeyoung's situation.  
  
"Thank you, that'll be it", the conductor of the London Symphony Orchestra waved his hand.  
  
I looked up and blinked, "I'm sorry?"  
  
"That'll be it", he restated rather impatiently and didn't say much more.  
  
_Did I mess up?_  
  
"Thank you for your time", I bowed and scurried offstage. I'm not surprised; top-tier orchestras would be this stone cold in the face of auditions.  
  
On the bus parting from the Barbican, I pulled out my phone, opened the brower, and typed in "Son Chaeyoung attempted suicide." The phone is quivering in my hands as links popped up under the search engine, headline after headline reading as  _Student Son Chaeyoung attempts suicide outside of Walgreens; Chaeyoung sent to the UCSF medical center after attmepted suicide; Chaeyoung evaluated after suicide attempt._  
  
My finger motioned towards the third link and a picture of Chaeyoung with tubes shoved down her throat. The doctors were pumping her stomach with charcoal or whatever until Chaeyoung slipped into a deep sleep. It was an incredibly unsettling image to see.   
  
Then I skimmed through the article until I reached this paragraph:  
  
_"Investigators are still looking into what might've caused Chaeyoung to commit her actions, but for now, Chaeyoung is confirmed to be in a comatose state. She's currently being hooked up to a ventilator that is supporting her breathing. With an irregular pulse however, doctors are concerned that Chaeyoung won't wake up."_  
  
I ran my finger across my phone screen, staring at the text on Chaeyoung’s shirt and simultaneously holding back the tears. Everything starts to fall into place: Chaeyoung hating The Six, and Sana and Nayeon telling me I needed new friends; Chaeyoung and I sitting together in the dorms one day, her reiterating to me that Reina was just more than just your ‘average violinist’; and then Chaeyoung stating that she hated competitions during the Parisian Winter Music Festival.  
  
But she never expressed suicidal thoughts. She didn’t seem like that type, but who am I to judge when I can only infer about what I see on the outside?  
  
I threw open the doors of the bus, walked to the edge of a pond in some random park and stood there, gaping at the London’s rapturous buildings through the reflections in the disheartening waters. It’s overcast and brisk, but the sting of early spring feels so good in my lungs.

_“Mina”, Chaeyoung said in a dream, “Thank you for being a good friend.”_

I sauntered over to a tall English yew tree and kicked the dirt, and then I hunched over, my knees touching my chest, tilling my nails into the back of my neck and itching the sore from my neck strap. I sensed the bite on my skin and continued scratching, not minding the tears cascading down my face, feeling barren and distant. I grieved the potential loss of a friend that is new and raw, as if she killed herself last night and not in the future. I rocked back and forth, sobbing and repeatedly muttering “Chaeyoung” under my breath.

* * *

**BONUS (Chaeyoung's Dreams Part 1/3)**  
  
Chaeyoung had a rather extravagant dream while asleep; her group of friends stayed at a vacation home located close to San Francisco’s Ocean Beach, surrounded by palm trees on one end and a beach facing the Pacific Ocean even though theoretically, palm trees aren't supposed to be featured in Northern California. The second movement of Dvorak's [_New World Symphony_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOX15agZ3-0) was playing in the backdrop. Chaeyoung and her friends dashed towards the warm waters that lapped at the sand before Jihyo caught their faces brimming with mirth and laughter.  
  
"Kids! Get back here!" Jihyo called from the open porch, "You need to unpack your belongings!"  
  
"But unnie!" Dahyun grumbled as Sana stumbled backwards.  
  
"Now", she firmly stated.  
  
After unpacking their belongings, Chaeyoung grabbed a pink kite from the storage room for her and Jeongyeon to meddle with while the wind was still fair and stable. It was quite old and a bit worn-out, but still flyable enough to soar through the humid air. It's a bit questionable why they chose to fly a kite at night, but they didn't care. Nobody was there to interfere and they could claim the entire beach to themselves.  
  
The girls scrambled towards the foyer of the beach house as Mina let out a soft chuckle at their whimsical antics. Chaeyoung is good at sprinting and she reached the beach in a flash, but everyone else lagged behind as Sana kept tripping on the grainy sand. After unpacking their belongings, Chaeyoung grabbed a pink kite from the storage room for her and Jeongyeon to meddle with while the wind was still fair and stable. It was quite old and a bit worn-out, but still flyable enough to soar through the humid air. It's a bit questionable why they chose to fly a kite at night, but they didn't care. Nobody was there to interfere and they could claim the entire beach to themselves.  
  
"Chaeng, I swear! If that kite flies off again, I'm going to kill you!" Jeongyeon teasingly grins at her clumsy second cousin holding the kite's spool.  
  
"Don't worry Jeong! I think I got this—" the percussionist spoke too soon; the string snapped and the pink kite traveled with the wind.  
  
"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Jeongyeon hollered, chasing the diminutive in circles as Mina and her friends amusingly watched from behind. Mina was too reserved to play with them; she just criss-crossed her legs in the warm sand while observing.  
  
Eunha sighed, reclining back on her beach chair, "I don't see what the big deal is with that kite. It's just a kite, after all".  
  
"Hey! Don't judge!", Sana nudged her shoulder with a stern expression plastered on her face, "Maybe there's some value to it."  
  
“The kite is just a kite”, Eunha contended.  
  
The violinist huffed, taking a sip of her watermelon juice as she watched a flock of seagulls and other birds scuffle for the same target; a dead, stinky flack of tuna that was abandoned by a local fisher. She dug her feet into the grainy sand and felt a string of moldy seaweed caress her toes. Sana joined in and looped Eunha around her arm, her toes coming into contact with half-crushed seashells of different sizes rocking against some mini bays formed in the sand. With the airborne pink kite drifting in different directions of the indecisive wind, the sun was starting to become dizzy, setting beyond the long horizon of lemon yellows, cotton candy pinks, and plum purples.  
  
"Mina, do you know how to fly a kite?" Chaeyoung asked as she untangled the kite's strings.  
  
"Nope", the red-haired girl answered.   
  
The percussionist approached Mina with the kite's spool, handing it to her as she explained, "So technically, you just have to hold this while pointing the kite towards the direction of the wind. Tug the string if you want it higher. I'm going to throw the kite when you're ready."  
  
Mina silently nodded at Chaeyoung to fling the kite upwards. Mina struggled a bit at keeping the kite in the air, but eventually she got the hang of it. Chaeyoung watched with glazed eyes as the pink kite cut through the warm winds of San Francisco’s Ocean Beach. The kite reminded Chaeyoung of her kiddish self — a spontaneous and carefree girl who knew how to go with the flow. Chaeyoung wasn't exactly sure if she missed her former self, but there was a pang of nostalgia and yearning in her heart when she thought about her childhood days.  
  
After all, kites resemble childhood happiness. Chaeyoung's mind immediately fleets to her carefree days flying kites with Jeongyeon.  
  
All of a sudden, there was a strong wind accompanied by the silver moon shining in the distance. The kite started to fly in various directions before the string began to snap due to the frigid wind. Mina dropped the spool and started chasing the kite along with Chaeyoung, who trailed behind as she tried to keep up in her open-toed shoes.   
  
"Ah! Mina!" Chaeyoung shouted pointing at the released kite, "It's running away!"   
  
_Silly Chaeng. Kites don't run._ But Mina couldn't keep up with the speeding wind. Eventually, Chaeyoung caught up and tripped over a rock, causing her body to collide with Mina's slim figure as their faces plunged into the soft, supple sand. Mina jerked her head out of earthly ground, spitting out the sand that clobbered in her mouth. It tasted horrible, like a failed reincarnation of salt mixed with the texture of sediments swirling around in her taste buds. Even reeds taste better than this. There was still a bitter taste in her tongue when she tried to wash it off with a bottle of water.  
  
"Hee hee hee", Mina heard Chaeyoung cackle five-feet away from her presence. It wasn't long before the girl exploded into levity. Mina joined along too, shuffling over to Chaeyoung's side as they bursted into an enormous fit of laughters. Jeongyeon and the others were watching from behind when a gratifying smile creased on their lips.   
  
"Chaeyoung?", Mina calls upon the inattentive percussionist sitting next to her.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Do you want to go for a walk?" she offered and Chaeyoung eagerly agreed to it.  
  
They handed the kite over to Sana and Eunha before leaving. The pair did not travel far; in fact, they only walked up towards a green hill overlooking the abundance of sunlight flashing on the ocean's eternal mirrors. The sky had now become a gradient of red and orange and the wind became crisp and warm, its gravity pulling the pink kite towards the ground and onto Sana’s distracted head. Chaeyoung laughed heartily as Mina shyly giggled along. Chaeyoung was still oafish about the whole idea of being alone with Mina, but she was glad that Mina's current positivity diverted her attention away from the hardships of her musician life. Even though Chaeyoung lectured Mina last week about courage and determination to move on in life, she still didn't have the guts to speak up against her tormentors without sounding incoherent.   
  
"You're great to hang out with", Chaeyoung accidentally spurted.  
  
"Thank you", She mumbled again before their short conversation drifted to another uncomfortable round of silence. All there was is the hissing sound of beach waters and the raucous cries of seabirds battering their feathered wings over the ocean. The boundless sea was embodied with externalized emotions that sympathized with the mechanizations of the human heart; love, hate, and sorrow. It withstands all pursuits to capture it with words; no matter what runs through your mind, there are no words to describe its beauty.  
  
Mina never truly understood true love before, and Chaeyoung knows that. Mina was too busy engaging in her bassoon studies to even experience an intimate relationship with her parents and her other relatives. Too long had she been traveling across the world, specifically the continent of Europe for competitions, with her parents just for the sake of keeping an image, not for reveling in the brand new sites that each country had to offer.  
  
"Hey, let's go to shore", Chaeyoung suggested, "I think you're going to like it there".  
  
"I've never actually been to shore before..." Mina timidly responded, "You know, never stuck my feet into the sand".  
  
"Are you kidding?" Chaeyoung incredulously laughed, "Having your feet soaked up by the waves is one of the best feelings you can get! It feels like the goddesses of the sea are carressing your toes with their affirmation of love. You'll have to take off your shoes, though."  
  
"Let's do it then", she confirmed.  
  
Mina's footprints followed Chaeyoung steadily across the sand as they made their way down to the water's edge. The smell of sea water tickled Chaeyoung’s nose, and she could taste the saltiness on her tongue. When they reached the shore, Mina cupped her hand over her mouth in awe. Nothing has ever been more beautiful than a mass of sapphire blue stretching to the farthest ends of what her eyes could see; it was almost as if they were trying to kiss the orange sun hanging above. She smiled as her toes wiggled in the warm sand, reaching for a glossy white shell and running her fingers over its smooth surface, all before a mysterious creature popped out from the inside. Chaeyoung was captivated by Mina's innocence and from that moment, she believed it was an illness. There is no known cure to lovesickness, and you catch it when you'd least expect it.  
  
"EEK!", Mina screeched, dropping the shell on Chaeyoung's toes in terror.  
  
"What the heck are you screaming about— YEAAAOOOWW!!" the percussionist squawked as she felt something pinch her foot. A red claw was sticking out from the shell as Chaeyoung hopped around in soreness, hoping to shake off the hermit crab from her foot.  
  
_*CRASH*_  
  
Chaeyoung experienced a short blackout before realizing whom she had toppled upon. The soft smell of roses tingled her nose and she could feel her hands plummeted in the warm sand as well. Mina’s dark eyes glittered like stars in the dim sky, deep-set against pendulous lips shivering in apprehension. Sweat was rolling down Chaeyoung’s neck like a slobbering dog; she couldn't believe what had just happened. Her body was nearly an arm's length away from coming into contact with Mina's body, and their lips nearly touched.  
  
"I'm sorry! I didn't intend to do that!" Chaeyoung yelped, throwing herself off Mina's embodiment. But the bassoonist pulled herself up and leaped into Chaeyoung’s arms, locking their lips together as Mina’s warm breath exhaled into her soft facial features. She wasn’t sure if Mina was just drunk, horny, or both, but she didn’t care.  
  
"It's alright", Mina respired, catching her breath after the long span of their kiss, "I didn't think that you were scared of crabs though."  
  
"What? You were scared too!" Chaeyoung retorted, brushing the sand off her shoulders.   
  
But then they pulled into another brief hug before the sound of roaring tidal waves crashed against a rocky cliff. Mina retracted her foot from the ground, releasing her fingers from Chaeyoung's neck as they waited for the waves to reach the longing figures. Chaeyoung laced her fingers with Mina's, rocking their hands back and forth like little children waiting for their Christmas presents.   
  
"Shit!" Mina recoiled in surprise as the cold waters washed her feet, "That’s cold!"  
  
"You didn't know that?” Chaeyoung heartily chuckled at her naive friend, "But anyways, isn't this great?"  
  
"Oh my god! Nothing has ever felt this good in all of human history! It's like the seawanted to embrace my ankes with all of her warmth and love! This is the greatest day of my life!" Mina was rambling about the sea's ambience and Chaeyoung burst into laughter at her childish manifestation; her enthusiasm was adorable. The musical prodigy had never felt this happier in her entire life; Chaeyoung was like the definition of "fun" in her dictionary. The giddy girl wanted to lean over and steal a kiss on Mina’s cheek before the tidal waves kicked in again, but instead, Chaeyoung held her hand out in front of her.  
  
"Dance with me?" Chaeyoung’s soft voice echoed in Mina’s ears.   
  
"Of course, my good friend!" Mina giggled, draping her hands around Chaeyoung's waist just like she did during the Juilliard Ball.  
  
"You’re so beautiful", Chaeyoung cooed.  
  
"No, you are", Mina mumbled.  
  
They say that there's a silver lining to every cloud; everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life behind the murky clouds. Even on a crappy day, there will still be small streams of light peaking through the mass of clouds. The white moon was grazing over the surface of the ocean, leaving only a linear streak of light cutting through the waves like the edge of a sword. Chaeyoung felt that Mina was like her moon, shining during the lightless hour when the sun isn't around, enthusing the percussionist during her darker days.  
  
Chaeyoung wasn't sure how long this dream was going to last, or whether or not it'll revolve into another dream. She even speculated that she might be dead. But at this rate, Chaeyoung didn't mind not waking up. She felt like she had reached an ethereal place.


	30. crescendo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_crescendo_  
Origin: Italian  
Literally "growing"; increasing in volume  
  


**The Fortieth Measure**

Monday: March 29, 2021  
  
I can't recall how long I've been out here. My chest feels tight, my eyes are puffy, my facial muscles are sore, and my lungs feel empty of air. The frosts are supposed to become less frequent with plants shooting up all over the UK, trees rebirthing their leaves, and animals producing offspring. But lately, London has been getting quite wet and windy. The trees at St. James's Park are still dormant and barely regaining their energy, and the lake is barren with the thin winter wind washing over from February. I guess it's safe to say that it's too early for an awakening.       
  
My phone is on top of my case, the screen littered with a hundred text messages from Sana and one unspecified missed call. I hit the call-back button and the receiver instantaneously answers the phone, a familiar voice piping out from the other end.  
  
_Somi?_  
  
"H-Hey Mina", she croaked in her kid-like voice, "How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fine", I lied. I'm absolutely  _not_ fine.  
  
"I left The Six."  
  
I opened my mouth, "You what?"  
  
"I left The Six", Somi repeats, letting out a small chuckle like she had regained her confidence again, "Shuuka told me Nayeon's story and how she's doing much better now with... err... what's the name? Jeongyeon's group? Anyways, those two still talk to each other when we're not there."  
  
Hearing this astonishes me. _Shuuka and Nayeon still talk to each other?_  
  
"I didn't want to get involved with their antics anymore", Somi continued, "I was there when Karen lied to one of our orchestra members about borrowing her phone to text her parents. Err... I don't know the name of that person whom she borrowed the phone from, but the truth is that Karen only used her phone to send those text messages to Chaeyoung. You have Chaeyoung's phone, don't you?"  
  
"I don't have Chaeyoung's phone; Jeongyeon does."  
  
"Never mind. You're in London so there's no way you can contact Jeongyeon", Somi hesitantly laughed, "Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up."  
  
Once Somi hung up, another text message flies into my home screen. It's from Jennie:

**[Jennie Kim. 6:13 p.m.] Meet me at The Tavern in Westminister. My treat.**

_What the hell is she doing in London?_  
  
I couldn't deny free food, so I sucked up the tears and arranged for an Uber to drop me off at the designated pub.  
  
Indeed Jennie was there at the tavern, situated in the bar area with a draft beer and a platter of hand battered fish  & chips laid out in front of her.  
  
"What are you doing here in London?" I asked.  
  
"I'm touring the UK with my woodwind quartet, Blackpink."  
  
_Blackpink? What the fuck kind of name is that? At least for a classical music ensemble, it's tasteless._  
  
Grey sweatpants, an indigo Hollister hoodie, black converse, mismatching socks — her attire was avant-garde and out of the blue, considering that she's fashion-conscious on a daily basis. It was almost as if Jennie had lost all of her dignity and prestige in the blight of one day.  
  
Jennie swung around in her bar chair to recognize my entrance, "I look like a dirty hippie, I know."  
  
"I didn't say anything", I alleged, lifting myself up in the seat next to her, setting my case below my feet.  
  
I seasoned a piece of fried fish with more salt and dipped it in a heap ton of ketchup before taking a bite. Jennie brings up the topic of London Symphony Orchestra auditions and I'm having war flashbacks to my own audition where one member of the faceless judging committee dismissed me after Tchaikovsky's _Sixth_. I'm usually never this sensitive about auditions and I've always manage to ride through them with ease and mirth, but the LSO proved me wrong and destroyed my morale. It was a bite from the pressure cooker of Europe's professional classical music culture.  
  
I wasn't sure what was more awkward: that audition or the fact that I'm eating and drinking with Jennie.  
  
"Mina", Jennie said sympathetically, "I have something to admit."  
  
This takes me by surprise, "I'm—sorry?"  
  
Jennie's voice sounds lower than normal as she straightens up in her stool, giggling humorlessly, "Now I realize how much of a jerk I was to you and Chaeyoung. I didn't think that Chaeyoung would actually, you know... do it."  
  
"You just realized what you've done?" I slapped my beer against the wooden table, infuriated, "How could you not foresee the consequences?"  
  
"Mina, I'm sorry. Really..."  
  
"Your apology isn't going to change anything", I raised my voice with the angry burn in my throat from the alcohol, "Even if Chaeyoung miraculously wakes up, she's not going to be the same person that she was before. You and The Six caused a great deal of suffering as a result of your actions. I couldn't even think straight during my London Symphony Orchestra auditions because I was constantly reminded of Chaeyoung."  
  
"Mina, what can I do to gain your acceptance?" Jennie says quickly, her face red because of the uprising that I caused. The other bystanders now have their eyes turned on us and it's undeniably disconcerting, but I'm content in exposing Jennie like this.  
  
"Stop associating yourself with Reina and them", I demanded.  
  
That's something I didn't do in the first place.  
  
"You want me to do the same thing that you and Nayeon did?" Jennie blinked halfway through her second glass, laughing weakly, "I need Reina for my career. She's the reason why I get introduced to more gigs, more supplies, and more connections with the classical music elite."  
  
"So you're going to sacrifice morals for greatness and your own personal gain?"  
  
"You wouldn't understand because you had everything handed over to you from birth", she mumbles, "My life was not as easy as yours."   
  
The ridiculousness in her premise was difficult for me to comprehend, "You thought that my life was easy? Once my parents learned of my potential, they deprived me of my childhood and estranged our familial relationship. I couldn't go out with my friends, I got hit whenever I made a single mistake, and I wasn't allowed to go to bed if I didn't please my private instructors. It was as if I wasn't their daughter anymore."  
  
Just like _The Ring_ , greatness comes at a damaging price — the price of your well-being, your sanity, and sometimes, your morality. For me, the cost was my physical, mental, and emotional health. For Reina and the others, the cost was their integrity.   
  
"I didn't know that", Jennie said quietly.  
  
I let out an exasperated sigh, positioning my case between my ankles, "It was all over the news. You were even in Paris with us."  
  
Silence steamed over us for a couple of minutes, slow rock songs reverberating through each surface, male singers projecting with a loud, clear high-chest voice set aside for a few vocal embellishments. Midway through the night, alternative rock begins to play, starting with Switchfoot's _[You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEaJcryL4QI)_. The alcohol reeks into my system and I feel like a soggy and saddened piece of shit, just like the British businessman sitting on my right with an oaken stench, and had probably had enough for the day and should call for a cab sometime soon. I told myself that I would stop drinking alcohol after what my parents had done, but it turns out that I'm just as much of a mess as they are. I don't know why I hadn't scheduled a counseling appointment regarding my mental health. I would've been better equipped with the tools for this situation if I had taken care of myself earlier.  
  
"I hope that things will work out", is all that Jennie says. I don't think she understands how abuse works.  
  
"I don't have plans of reuniting with my parents anytime soon", I drew a slow breath, and put down my glass again, "Even if I do reconnect with my parents, our relationship is never going to the same. They're never going to be the loving parents that they were before they recognized my prodigiousness. And just like what you guys did to Chaeyoung; she's not going to be the same person that she was before the cyberbullying."  
  
Again, silence. Jennie shifted in her seat for the third time, recognition of guilt blooming of mixed shame and confusion in her cheeks.  
  
"Can I ask you an honest question?" I gazed out at her, "Why did you hate me?"  
  
Jennie drummed her fingertips against the table, thinking, "I guess because I thought you were cocky, even though I never really talked to you that much until I transferred back to Juilliard. And my parents always compared me to you. I just got sick of hearing your name everywhere."  
  
"I'm not going to deny that I seemed a bit stuck-up in the past", I admitted, "I'm sorry about your parents making comparisons and I'm sorry if I looked arrogant at times, but I never meant to hurt you. I don't think it's fair to assess a person as a whole based on what you see on the outside."  
  
I, too, learned that through my friends. Sana isn't just some ditz, Dahyun isn't just comic relief, Momo isn't just a food enthusiast, Yerin isn't just a dork — I could probably list more examples off the top of my head, but the bottom line is that each person holds a different kind of beauty within.   
  
"I'm not excusing you from what you did to Chaeyoung", I continued, lowering my glass from my lips, "And the fact that you're using Chaeyoung to hurt me is despicable. I can't think of any other actions that require a person to go as low as that."  
  
"You're absolutely right", she breathes.  
  
Tiredness finally creeps in and my legs feel like jelly. The night has been long and I just want to get a good night's rest before—

**[Sana Minatozaki. 8:04 p.m.] Mina, where are you? We have a meeting for the BBC Proms next summer.**

_Goddammit._  
  
"I have to go", I bursted out, sliding off my seat. I looked back at my drink, finished the contents, and deposited my empty glass on the countertop.  
  
"Mina, wait. One more question", Jennie's eyes were pleading, "When will you acknowledge my apology?"  
  
"Jennie", I sighed finally, slinging my case over my shoulder before stepping outside, "If you want my acknowledgement, convince yourself and The Six to reflect and take responsibility for their actions. Either that or you disassociate yourself with them."  
  
"Fair enough", she shrugged.  
  
"But that's just the beginning of what I want from you", I stated sternly and her lips slacked, "You and The Six must to apologize to not only me and Chaeyoung, but also to those who were deeply affected by this incident. In addition, you and The Six have to comply with any punishment that is arranged by authorities. Cyberbullying and the encouragement of suicide are misdemeanors that shouldn't be taken lightly."  
  
"Can't we just get over that and move on? Things will change, I promise", Jennie appealed, "I-I don't want to get into anymore trouble."  
  
I looked back at her one more time, "Real change doesn't occur unless everyone recognizes this as an issue and pursues to resolve it."

* * *

The Forty-First Measure

The meeting went alright. Pickard, the director of The Proms, reviewed the details for our concert which will take place on the first night in the Royal Albert Hall. I will perform first and then Sana will perform last. The specifics such as performance ettiquette and sound check were nothing new to me, as this isn't my first time playing at The Proms. Sana, however, was still in a slight twitch from her presidential performance with the musical elite. It's understandable because The Proms is the largest music festival in the world and the presence of critics will be amped up.  
  
I'm not worried about those critics, though. I'm worried about Chaeyoung not being there to play with me.  
  
Sana was then escorted through the corridor to have her meeting with Eric Whitacre, the composer of her concerto following her victory from the Parisian Winter Music Festival's competition. Seohyun and I had our discussion in the second tier box seats facing the main stage of The Proms's venue, the signature fiberglass acoustic diffusers (fondly nicknamed 'mushrooms' by spectators) beetling above us like a dream.  
  
"I heard about what happened to Chaeyoung", was the first thing that Seohyun said and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest, "I'm very disheartened to hear that she's in a coma due to an attempted suicide. I originally intended for her to be your piano accompanist, but I decided to change her part into an alternating vibraphone and glockenspiel accompaniment since she's a percussionist."  
  
Seohyun is explaining the details of Chaeyoung's possible accompaniment and I can already imagine what she'd sound like — the shuddering waves of a vibraphone and the soft heartbeat of a glockenspiel, coupled with a stunning dress that she'd wear during our performance.  
  
I miss Chaeyoung already.  
  
"If Chaeyoung won't be able to do it, I was thinking of Jeongyeon being a possibe substitute", Seohyun proceeded with her ideas, "I've seen Jeongyeon's playing in Juilliard's Pre-College Division and she is, no doubt, a very competent and expressive percussionist."  
  
At least Jeongyeon is someone that I also feel comfortable playing with, even though her tone color is a slight contrast from Chaeyoung's. Rough and effacious, possibly due to the fact that she has adjusted to the role of a timpanist rather than a mallet or auxillary percussionist.  
  
"Mina", Seohyun tapped the score sitting on her lap with her fingers, "I believe that you're going to cause an even greater impact than _The Black Swan_ with this piece. I can already envision you performing it. The _patetico_ and  _cantabile_ sections are really going to bring out your musicality and lyricism. I'll leave the themes up to you to figure out, but I think that it's not as complicated to figure out compared to _The Black Swan_."  
  
"What's the name of this piece?" I asked.  
  
Seohyun closed the folder and handed it to me, "Silent Sonata."  
  
_Silent Sonata._ The title does sound a bit straightforward, but my mind is too exhausted to analyze the deeper meaning.  
  
"I want to hear you play it for our next meeting", she requested with a smile, "Not the whole thing, of course. Maybe just an excerpt or two."  
  
"Thank you", I said politely before excusing myself, "I'm looking forward to working with you."  
  
"Oh, and Mina", Seohyun paused, reaching out for my free hand, "I'm there for you if you need someone to listen to your feelings, dry your tears, or even just be around. Rough times can often bring complex and confusing feelings, and I understand that you may feel unable to focus. You don't have to come to your feelings at once; just take things step by step and everything will eventually come together."  
  
A small smile crept up on my mouth, "I appreciate that."  
  
Sana told me to leave ahead of her since she'll be released from her meeting late so I took advantage of the noiselessness, plopped my ass on our unmade queen-sized bed in the hotel, and studied the score. I initiated mental practice, visualizing the fingerings and articulations while reading my music. My eyes cross over to Chaeyoung's part, which is under my bar, and I end up reading her music instead. It sounds _so good_  with the pulsating _staccato_ from the vibraphone in the first movement and then the silvery _vibratos_ from the glockenspiel in the second movement.  
  
I think I might cry.  
  
I heard the door unlock and it reveals Sana standing on the other side of the doorframe, "I'm back."  
  
"Oh, hi!" I snorted out an embarrassed laugh, rapidly closing my folder.  
  
Sana's eyes glistened as she dived into our bed, "Is that your piece for The Proms?"  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Don't be shy. Lemme see", she demanded, breaching my folder without asking for my permission. It doesn't take Sana very long to introspectively skim through the first movement and grasp the meaning of _Silent Sonata_. Sana's genius lies in how she interprets a piece and that's why she won the Parisian Winter Music Festival Competition, so this instinct doesn't surprise me.  
  
I scooched over to her side and whispered, "What do you think?"  
  
"Seohyun is brilliant", Sana plopped her face down and mumbled into the covers.  
  
"Brilliant?"  
  
"When I read through the first measure, I think of a girl who has been silenced her whole life by outside forces", she speculates.  
  
I cocked my head, "Chaeyoung?"  
  
Sana nudged my rub, "You, you dork."  
  
_Me?_  
  
Sana then sits up and crisscrosses her legs, grapples my head without warning, and stifles a small gasp, "If the worst does happen to Chaeyoung, we'll go through it together. I was actually in the same state as you after I heard about Chaeyoung on the news. I ran out of our hotel in San Francisco, took the MUNI bus, and cried a river in the Spreckels Temple of Music at Golden Gate Park."  
  
"Really? I didn't know that", I said, oblivious.  
  
"What? Do you think that I'm some hard shelled turtle who could shelter their feelings?" she chuckled quietly, "I've experienced demise all throughout life — my dad in the war, then Yoona to AIDS. Goddammit, I live with a recollection of Yoona's."  
  
"Your instrument?"  
  
"Exactly", she nodded, "Yoona gave it to me because she liked me, for I didn't care about competition and only for the sake of playing music."   
  
Yoona would say something like that. I never talked to her personally, but I've seen her. Yoona's life has been consumed in competition and musical prominence since she was a kid. Sana's truth was something that Yoona wanted, but unfortunately happiness and greatness doesn't always mix.  
  
Chaeyoung, no doubt, was somebody that loved music dearly. But the holistic nature of competition and the cutthroat field of performing arts itself drove her to a depressive state. Juilliard students ought to be the best of the best; the cream of the crop. That's not everyone's truth. In reality, some of us are a bunch of confused cattle trying to navigate the system. We're so invested in becoming the best performers that we forget about the tools needed to adapt in the artistic world, sustain our peace of mind and connection to music. Even my parents didn't teach me about the emotional and psychological standpoint of music industry; just that I had to be the "best" in what I do.  
  
How do we remain financially stable? How do we overcome the judgments of ourselves and our peers, both in the music world and outside it? How do we persist, maintain passion, and be unique? How do musicians keep themselves **happy**? I still ask myself these questions up to this day.  
  
"Can you play a little bit of _Silent Sonata_?" Sana requested, beaming.  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Give me a sneak peek of your Proms performance", she pressed.  
  
"Fine", I heaved, rolling out of bed to grab my case from under the table side. I pulled out a reed from the box and ducked it in a glass of water while assembling my bassoon. Sana is still sitting on the bed, her eyes wide open.  
  
"My father told me that making music can temporarily relieve us from our worries", she said. It definitely sounds like something Sana would say.   
  
"Sure", after looping the strap around my neck, I fished my reed out of the water and attached it to the bocal, taking in a deep breath.  
  
The first batch of notes are quiet and low, like a gentle breeze across a stream, assimilating to the title of the piece itself. In the back of my mind, I think of myself as a child being lulled to bed by a mother figure. Then it gets sensitive, tapered notes and melodramatic dynamics that representing that same child succumbing to unswept parenting and self-loathing. Though the difficulty of _Silent Sonata_ is tantamount to that of an elementary piece, it's fucking impressive. The first movement is an anthem for those who are tackling hopelessness, and I know exactly who it reminds me of.  
  
I can't get through the entire movement without shedding a tear. It's not just my piece; it's also Chaeyoung's piece. _Silent Sonata_ is our hymn.  
  
"That was beautiful", Sana's eyes are also blooming with tears, "It really does remind me of you."  
  
Shuddering a single breath, I pulled my bassoon away from my face, "Yeah."

* * *

**The Forty-Second Measure**

Sunday: March 30, 2021  
  
I managed to locate a peaceful place to practice around London: the park.  
  
No but really, I did go to the park. I didn't want to displease the other hotel guests with scales and warm-up material, so I moved to Hyde Park once the sun rose up. A majority of Londoners are attending church during these hours, so I can encompass this space all to myself before lunchtime.  
  
I situated myself on the eastern half, seated on a marble block facing The Serpentine. Then I assembled my bassoon, closed my eyes, and began playing _Silent Sonata_  in a low volume. Yet in a matter of time, I tripped up on the first movement and this streak continued like this all morning — at one point running out of air, to butchering my vibrato because my stomach felt tight, to choking on my own spit before Chaeyoung's entrance, and then cracking a note before reaching the  _crescendo_. Even though I had somehow managed to perform it perfectly in front of Sana last night, the relapse was making me anxious as time passed. _Jesus Christ, Mina. Are you going to present your playing to Seohyun like this?_  
  
Sometime during the afternoon, I put the goddamn bassoon away and took a walk around the park to fill my lungs. Not much has been going well since Chaeyoung attempted suicide, so I needed to do something tranquilizing for myself. The vibrant, green grass sat along the border occupied by white daisies with moonlight-pale petals. The swans traversing in the lake made a tranquil, waving notion as the warm breeze passed by.   
  
Then a shadow emerged from behind me, and I knew that I was being followed.  
  
"Hey fagott. I hope that you're happy", That voice couldn't have been anyone other than Reina. That low voice, the scratchiness in her tone, and her overt bangs and violin case were unmistakable.  
  
"What are you doing here?"   
  
"I'm in London to visit relatives", Reina ran off topic for a bit, "And besides, this is the last you'll ever see of me. Somi snitched on us, Jennie and the others have suspension, and I got expelled from Juilliard. If you're not satisfied about that, Myoui, I don't know what'll satisfy you."  
  
"I don't give a rat's ass about what happened to you", I cried, "The matter of fact is that I'll never have Chaeyoung back because of you!"  
  
"She's not dead, dumbfuck", Reina rolled her eyes, "She's in a coma."  
  
"Look how unapologetic you sound", I hissed, "No surprise why Nayeon called you an entitled prick."  
  
"I'm entitled?" Reina shot off with her answer without notice, "You had the advantage of having eminent parents and a source of wealth. You got to leech off them. You didn't work hard. You don't even deserve half of the awards that you earned."  
  
"Quit being a fucking hypocrite", I said straightforwardly, outrage snaking in my palms, "Just because I get recognized easily doesn't mean that I didn't suffer in the process. The moment you declare someone as 'undeserving' based on solely your opinion with no other inspection, and the person that you're judging didn't do anything morally offensive, you're determining someone's worth. I see that as entitled. I do acknowledge my privileges, but you only look through a narrow lens and discount my adversity and other notions of hard work."  
  
She shrugged, "You have adversities? Sure."  
  
I'm getting incredibly crabbed with her, "I'm sorry but are your parents in prison for fucking child abuse?"  
  
We sat in silence for a minute. Reina's hands were shaking through her gloves.  
  
"Well... no", Reina was struggling to comeback, her hands deep in the pockets of her overcoat, "But I get compared to you. There, satisfied?"  
  
"Nothing will ever satisfy me from you", I growled in a whisper, "Especially after what you did to Chaeyoung."  
  
It sincerely pained me to hear that Chaeyoung didn't feel deserving of love and success. Clearly, they have ever seen her work outside of rehearsals, auditions, and competitions. Judgments are left to what they see with their own eyes rather than an inspection of other prospects.  
  
When it gets to the point where people believe that Chaeyoung is riding off her special treatment as a deaf person, a flush of anger boils from within. It just comes to show that people with disabilities are still struggling to find acceptance in the modern era.  
  
"Chaeyoung was tainting the traditions of the Juilliard Orchestra", Reina retaliated, "Why do you even mind? It doesn't even affect y—"  
  
_*SLAP*_  
  
My hand was stinging from the aftermath of that hit, but the pain felt so good.   
  
Reina moved her hand across her cheek, "Why did you slap me?"  
  
"You know damn well why I slapped you", tears were streaming down my eyes, veins filled with more anger and adrenaline, "This affects me because I'm hard of hearing, and this affects me when it turns into an action of hostility. You guys targeted Chaeyoung not just to get at me, but because of her accommodations, and it's repulsive. If you aren't disabled, you don't get to declare what a disabled person doesn't need. You don’t get to tell a deaf person that a chance at a second audition is ‘discrimination’ or that you deserve special accommodations too. You are not disabled, you don’t know what it’s like to be in Chaeyoung's shoes, and you have no business telling her what she does and does not need as a disabled person. That's an ableist way of thinking and I will not tolerate that. Be thankful that you're a hearie and and that you don't have parents who abuse you twenty-four seven, and shut your goddamn mouth, you ungrateful bitch. Get the hell out of my face before I do something worse."  
  
I panted. This is the biggest paragraph that I've ever congregated with my own mouth, and this is the loudest volume that I've ever spoken in.  
  
Reina said nothing. She just turned around and walked away with a defeated look on her face. She lost her spot in Juilliard and she lost her friends.  
  
My patience wilted on that woman. Like Nayeon said, I need to remove the people who are manipulative of my time and resources. I can't change them by force, but at least Reina and Jennie have heard my words. Now I hope that The Six examine their choices and their own toxicity.  
  
I need to move on, focus on myself and the people that I care about. I don't want their negativity to manifest in my daily life.  
  
I briskly walked to the Royal Albert Hall from the park, lurching through one of the less-frequented doors while keeping out of sight from the herd of young adults playing Pokémon Go outside of the venue. Slipping through the backstage hallways, I could hear Sana practicing with the BBC Symphony Orchestra on the main stage and _good god she sounds incredible_. I entered the standing area so that I could get a glimpse of her.  
  
Whitacre's concerto is the chain reaction to  _Silent Sonata_. His concerto for Sana is uplifting, joyous, _glorious_.  
  
The opening fanfare was compelling; she let her horn shout its flashy, breathtaking zeal that resonated in flourishing arpeggios. Whitacre, her concerto composer, and the rest of The Proms committee were watching her closely – no, listening to her every note that screamed excitement in their ears. Sana seemed to be in another world, and the judges could tell because no performer would appear this confident and composed during a rehearsal for a concerto that hasn't even had its premiere yet. Sana's skill was impressive; she was reincorporating all the orchestra's distinct sounds into one, and somehow, she managed to pull it off. The trills of the woodwinds, the prancing of the strings, the boldness of the brass – she played off most of these parts with unrestrained upwelling of emotional power. Sana isn't merely perfecting the concerto; she's lifting it.  
  
I overheard Whitacre whisper something along the lines of 'genius' to Pickard, along with other various comments.  
  
"That girl is not playing according to the score, she's rejuvenating the orchestra from her mind!" a male member said in astonishment.  
  
"The French picked the right winner", The eldest woman in the committee expressed, "No one could finger or tongue on a horn as quickly and as clearly as she could. And she's not looking at the sheet music. Her eyes are closed so I'm assuming that she's immersed into the music."  
  
Sana was explicating Whitacre’s headstrong concerto with such skill and prominence from her own prestige. Every note was struck with feeling and poise; she could stay perfectly in tune while portraying the brief _cadenza_ with its eminent theme, hitting the right sound at all positions, whether she's clicking the sticky keys of the horn or fluctuating her air stream. Instead of tears, I found myself with a stupid grin on my face.  
  
"Someone's in a good mood", I heard a snicker. I turned around to see whose hands were on my waist.  
  
"SANA!" I jumped up and screamed, "W-Weren't you just on that stage?"  
  
"Rehearsals for me ended two minutes ago, little duck", she winked out of delight, "It's your turn."  
  
I rolled my eyes, "I thought I told you not to call me that."  
  
"I thought I told you that I don't give a shit", she snorted, "Anyways, get on that stage and let your bassoon sing for them."  
  
I nodded wordlessly while watching Sana spurt to the nearest sink to empty the condensation from her horn's slides, then Pickard called my name from one of the private box seats facing the main stage. I felt pretty good playing my bassoon today compared to this morning. The delivery is just as I had imagined — poignant, tender, _touching_. Every held note was intended to display the breadth of my desolation.  
  
Surprisingly, Sana was right. I actually feel a little better letting out my feelings through music. 

* * *

**The Forty-Third Measure**

Sana and I left to get manicures as soon as rehearsals ended. Sana likes being photogenic and a walking aesthetic, and she enjoys noodling on Instagram. In fact, Sana spends more time taking pictures with her horn than actually practicing it. I still wonder how she manages to perform with such ease.  
  
There was a nail salon just a couple of blocks off the Royal Albert Hall and planted in front of the Kensington Palace. According to Sana and Yelp, it's an acclaimed salon with veteran employees and has even enticed the attention of celebrities like Adele. Sana joked that we need presentable hands since we're going to be on live television for The Proms, and that there are most likely going to be close-ups of our hands working our instruments. I viewed this speculation as ridiculous at first, but then I lifted my right hand to eye-level and noticed that my nails were uneven.   
  
I am not going on stage with hands like this.  
  
Sana greeted the nice lady at the front desk and we were asked to make selections regarding the colors of our nails. Then we were ushered to two work tables sitting adjacent to one another. The tall woman taking care of my nails went along the name of Sooyoung while her shorter friend, Taeyeon, was attending to Sana's nails. Sooyoung was kneeding my hand with her bony fingers before gaping at me humorously.  
  
"My god, Mina. You have big hands!" she exclaimed.  
  
"WHAT?" I blushed furiously, Sana audibly laughing next to me.  
  
"No Soo. Mina just has long fingers", Taeyeon, the more experienced nail artist, corrected. I'm surprised that both girls don't share a British accent.  
  
Sooyoung sterilized my hands while she continued talking, "So, Mina. What do you do for a living?"  
  
"I'm a musician."  
  
"What do you play?"  
  
_Fuck._  
  
I could tell her that I'm a bassoonist, but most people don't even know what a bassoon is. _How am I supposed to answer her question? Do I tell her that I spend a majority of my time manipulating air through an elongated wooden stick?_  
  
"Oh, so you guys are musicians?" Taeyeon cuts in and I'm relieved, "Do you know who Seohyun is?"  
  
"How do you know Seohyun?" Sana curiously asked.  
  
"She frequents here every Sunday that she's in London", Sooyoung said while shaping my nails with a filer, "Seohyun was talking about composing music for a gifted musician for the past nine weeks, and then she gained tendonitis. I haven't seen her since then."  
  
"Gifted musician?" the hornist gave me a knowing look, "You're talking about Mina!"  
  
"Sana! Shut—"  
  
"Oh, wait a minute. I know who you are", Taeyeon halted in her administrations to inspect my figure, "You're a bassoonist, aren't ya?"  
  
Sooyoung tilted her head, "A what?"  
  
Taeyeon is taking her sweet time explaining what the hell my instrument is and I'm frankly staggered at how cultured she is. I guess it's because she's been acquainted to Seohyun — a musician and composer who, no doubt, should know each and every Western classical instrument — longer than Sooyoung has. Sana smirked while Taeyeon was having the time of her life being an educator. Taeyeon reminds me of Chaeyoung, in a way.  
  
"You sounded really good at rehearsals", Sana turned around to compliment me, "Did something good happen today?"  
  
"I, umm..." I blushed an even deeper red, "I let my anger out at Reina this afternoon, and then Jennie the night before."  
  
"That's good to hear."  
  
"And I heard you practice with the symphony, and I was enthralled", I conceded, "You actually seemed like you were in a good mood."  
  
"Oh, Mina! Guess what?" Sana started, "This morning, I talked to Jeongyeon, who is still in San Francisco. Chaeyoung is actually doing okay."  
  
"Really?" I sat up, absolutely beaming.  
  
"Chaeyoung is still in a coma, though. It's going to take a while for Chaeyoung to wake up, and after she wakes up, she's going to be sent back to New York and attend some kind of mental institution there", she explained, "But at least she's not heavily relying on a ventilator for breathing."  
  
I sulked a little when Sana brought up the words 'coma' and 'mental institution', but I'm thankful to hear that Chaeyoung is still alive and doing considerably well. I'm just praying that nothing drastic occurs during the weeks that Chaeyoung will cease in sleep.  
  
"Jeongyeon also gave out the details for our last Pops Orchestra concert", Sana continued while Taeyeon painted her nails, "A majority of our members are graduating this year and Jihyo is not very confident in leading the group next year, so it might be our official last concert."  
  
"Why does she not feel confident?"  
  
"Mina", Sana emphasized, "Next year is our last year as Juilliard students."  
  
_Oh shit._  
  
Senior year is the year that I'm going to be overloaded with work. Senior recital, juries, auditions, Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals, **graduation** — all on top of normal classes, homework, daily practice, and reed-making. I highly doubt that I'm going to continue working at the Disability Resources Center unless I keep getting mundane tasks such as sharpening pencils and translating for the deaf.  
  
It makes sense why Jihyo not be able to lead the Pops Orchestra next year. We're losing a majority of our current members after they graduate this year. Recruiting new talents is going to be a hassle because we don't have a huge reputation on campus in comparison to the other ensembles. Maestro Ishii, our conductor, will also be fulfilling an internship overseas so there goes the trouble of finding her replacement.  
  
"Tzuyu and Dahyun devised the repertoire for our final concert", Sana continued, "It will be revealed next week."  
  
I stifled a laugh, "Wasn't Dahyun the one that recommended  _Totoro_?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
"Red is a really nice color, Mina", Sooyoung enthused, inspecting the nail polish container that I chose, "Red is the most emotionally intense of all colors and it represents strength, power, courage determination as well as passion, desire, and love. Those are the virtues of a musician."  
  
"Ha ha ha... yeah", I chuckled bashfully.  
  
"Red also indicates danger", Taeyeon warned with a teasing smile, "Oh, Mina. You have no incoming dangers, right?"  
  
My voice faltered, "I hope not..."   
  
At the end of our appointment, Sana tipped the stylists before we headed back to the Royal Albert Hall for one last late-night practice session. I'm fortunate to say that rehearsal went well; well enough that Pickard, Whitacre, and Seohyun treated Sana and I out for dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant in Central London. Cheese soufflés, grilled quail, and duchess potatoes exquisitely wrapped up a long day.  
  
I was married to my hotel bed at the end of today's odyssey. A staff member stuffed a lavender-scented pouch inside the pillow sheets and I felt that I was being transported to the countryside with this beautiful meadow. There were no buildings in sight; just woods, mountains, and rivers. The delicate warm winds swayed the tall grass and blooming daisies every so slightly. The white daisies stood tall against the true blue sky as their soft, fragrant smell drifted through the breeze. And, if you just opened your mouth, you can almost taste it. Just almost. The buzzing of bees swirling around the daisy dotted meadow and the welcoming spring breeze against your skin. I was almost positive that I was in peace.  
  
_*RING*_  
  
"Oh... fuck..."  
  
In the middle of the night, there were incessant vibrations in the left side of my head. It's like that high-pitched TV noise that rung during the 70s and the 80s, electronic static that buzzed at a speedy rate. Then I had this massive headache, as if a dam broke in my brain and all the blood began gushing out of my left ear. This has to be one of the most painful cases of tinnitus that I've experienced in months. I withheld this for an hour.  
  
I contemplated waking up Sana and calling for an ambulance, but then the pain subsided and there wasn't really a reason to shout for help anymore. I took the lavender eye pouch and dropped it on top of my eyelids in hopes that I would drift away to that same meadow in my dreams.  
  
_Calling for an ambulance is expensive. This pain will only occur once in a blue moon._ I told myself. _It's not going to happen again, don't worry._

* * *

**BONUS (Chaeyoung's Dreams Part 2/3)**  
  
Wednesday: September 11, 2019  
  
Chaeyoung's dream shifted from the beach to Shake Shack across the American Museum of Natural History. She was back in New York City again, and [_Bolbbalgan4_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOH6KuYuyoU) was resounding in the backdrop for a reason that she could not comprehend. Chaeyoung peered through the glass windows of the establishment to see Dahyun dropping in, long locks of black hair that were untainted by any kind of hair dye. Across from Dahyun was another girl with moderately long dark brown hair, drumming her knuckles against the table top. It's also Chaeyoung — first-year Chaeyoung to be exact.  
  
This was during their first year of Juilliard.  
  
_Wait. Why am I watching my first date with Dahyun?_  
  
Chaeyoung had already lost a majority of her hearing at this point, and she prepared for her worst by learning sign language beforehand. However, Chaeyoung needed some stress relief from her incoming impairment, so she did the unthinkable and turned to Tzuyu — her Aural Skills classmate — to help her find a partner. Chaeyoung _knew_  about her sexuality from that one year where she was thrown into a drum corps with toned women that pulled her in to watch lesbian movies on tour. Oh, and from the day that she began to rave about Mina Myoui too.  
  
Tzuyu hooked her up with her best friend, Dahyun, whom she moved to The Bronx with to escape from conservative College Station. Dahyun and Chaeyoung had virtually the same interests — classical music, anime, and video games. They were pretty compatible with each other.  
  
"I'm glad that you agreed to be my partner!" Dahyun stretched out her arm and exclaimed almost over-enthusiastically.  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Say, why don't I take you to the _Asian Invasion_ tomorrow?" Dahyun hyperly suggested, "Then maybe we can do some lip-smacking?"  
  
_Already?_  
  
"Oh, Chaeyoung. Our relationship is going to be great. I can already feel it!"

* * *

Thursday: November 21, 2019  
  
The double bassist puckered her lips and dragged Chaeyoung under the scalloped covers on her bed. She looked into Chaeyoung's dark brown eyes, heads at the same level. Chaeyoung's face went slack as her mouth shot open, body unmoving, and color draining from her face as they stared wide-eyed at each other. But then Dahyun leans in, soft lips pressed against the percussionist like soft, fluffy pillows.  
  
"Hey Dahyun, SinB wants to know if she can borrow your Nintendo Swi—" Tzuyu pauses in her stride, witnessing the affectionate display.  
  
Chaeyoung's blood flowed rapidly in her cheeks, making her as red as a lobster. She lifted her hands out of Dahyun's and pulled them up high to her shoulders, where the taller girl entwined them with her jet black hair. Dahyun puts her hands around Chaeyoung's waist and pulls her closer to her chest with the glow of white candlelights in the background. Two lonely figures had found love; it was their music of the night.  
  
"What the fuck?" Tzuyu whispered to herself as she slowly began to close the door. Then she shrugged; it was just young love made anew.  
  
Dahyun retracts her lips from Chaeyoung's to reply to her friend, "Tell SinBooty that she can have my shit as long as Yerin doesn't drop it."  
  
Like that one time Yerin dropped Dahyun's Nintendo 3DS.  
  
Chaeyoung picked at her ear. The tinnitus functioned like the inner workings of a computer, the processor being picked up by the computer's analog components and speakers. It wasn't just annoying, it was extremely debilitating. She couldn't enjoy Dahyun's company like she used to. It wasn't that Dahyun was a terrible person or anything; Dahyun is actually a _great_ person. Humorous, confident, whimsical — all things entertaining. Chaeyoung was just afraid that she wouldn't be able to commit time to Dahyun. The fact that Chaeyoung was going into deafness was making it difficult for her to cope with herself and her "not-deaf" girlfriend. She didn't want to be a burden to Dahyun.   
  
_What a mistake that I've made._ Chaeyoung kind of regrets going into a romantic relationship too fast. She wasn't ready for the commitment, she barely knew Dahyun before Tzuyu hooked them up. They sort of just dived into the love factor without properly getting to know each other first.  
  
"Oh, Chaeyoung", Dahyun was tugging her arm, "I'm so sorry. Do you want to continue?"  
  
"Umm..."  
  
"Chaeyoung, what's wrong? You've been out of it lately", Dahyun blinked at her, worried eyes flickering over the shorter girl's face. 

* * *

Monday: December 2, 2019  
  
Chaeyoung had officially lost all of her hearing.  
  
They had arranged to meet at Indie Food & Wine, a conventional café across the block that offered discounts to Juilliard students. Chaeyoung let out a soft sigh as she waited for Dahyun to finish reading her handwritten letter, eyes peering at the tedious swirling motions in her café au lait.  
  
_\----  
Dear Dahyun,  
  
Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet me here. I have something very important to express and I won't blame you if you become upset or even angry. All I hope is that you can understand where I'm coming from and that we can work something out.  
  
I think I need more time to myself. I've had a lot of anxiety building up within me and I don't want it to affect you in any way. I just want you to know that I'm grateful for the time that we've spent together. I've learned a lot from you and now I'm positive about what I need for myself. You're a wonderful person, but it's too early to go into a romantic relationship, I just want to remain as friends for now._ _  
  
If you find someone else that you'd favor to be in a relationship in, go ahead. You don't have to wait for me. We have to do what's best for us.  
\----_  
  
Dahyun folded the letter and surprisingly, gleamed at Chaeyoung. She whipped out her phone and texted something to Chaeyoung.

**[Kim Dahyun. 6:24 p.m.] Thank you for being honest with me. I apologize for rushing things. I should've gotten to know you better first.**

Chaeyoung beamed at the double bassist.

**[Kim Dahyun. 6:25 p.m.] I don't want to be selfish. I think it's important that you take care of yourself too.**

Tears were about to fill up in Chaeyoung's eyes.  
  
She wasn't expecting such a gracious reaction from Dahyun, among all people. Dahyun propped her hands on Chaeyoung's trembling shoulders, putting the percussionist even more in shock as her anxious gaze meets with the double bassist's enchantingly dark eyes.  
  
"Don’t give up on yourself", Dahyun optimistically outputted to the girl, her smile growing even wider. In that timeframe, Chaeyoung couldn't understand what Dahyun was trying to convey to her because she was deaf. But now that Chaeyoung is watching this scene through a dream, everything falls together. "Even though you're deaf, you can still accomplish great things! Don't let anyone try to bring you down."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Don't mind the fortieth measure, please. I love the name BLACKPINK and these are just Mina's internal thoughts.
> 
> Also, I would have Sana and Mina do pedicures but Mina would start shrieking.


	31. largo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and we can have a conversation. This story was made to highlight and give awareness to serious topics that are apparent in the real world. In no way do I want to offend or hurt anybody. These events may originate from my life as well. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_largo_  
Origin: Italian  
In a slow tempo and dignified in style.  
  


**The Forty-Fourth Measure**

Wednesday: March 31, 2021 — Friday: April 8, 2021  
  
Rehearsals and meetings for this summer's BBC Proms have been inducing burnout in me. And to add to that, tinnitus is following me wherever I go — in the hotel's breakfast buffet, on the metro, when Sana's practicing with the BBC Symphony Orchestra — typically any place that is overbearingly loud. There came a point during my own individual practice where I couldn't bring myself to play because my head was throbbing.  
  
Sana and I began showing up to rehearsals in loose leggings and oversized sweaters. Neither of us could stand performing in leather jackets, dresses, nor knee-high boots like the local Londoners do, constantly itching or sweating all throughout rehearsals.    
  
Ten hours of Proms rehearsals at the Royal Albert Hall, four hours of individual practice, two meals per day (breakfast and lunch combine to become brunch), four hours of sleep —this regimen has been going on for this entire week. Sana even took a six-hour nap while I was rehearsing. That girl is so drained, that she left her horn on the bus and had to chase after the driver to plead him to stop. The day after that, Sana boarded the wrong bus that advanced in the opposite direction of where she intended to go, and then she somehow winded up in Big Ben. Sana isn't the only clumsy one here. My dumb ass nearly left the hotel room without my box of reeds, and I sprinted from the bus stop back to the hotel to fetch it.  
  
I'm used to being overwhelmed. The bassoon is something that has consumed my entire life and it still does today, albeit in healthier amounts compared to when I was younger. Sana isn't accustomed to burnout; she's more productive in short spurts of time. But Whitacre, hitched with the advisory of Pickard, has been making spontaneous adjustments to Sana's concerto and she's exerting herself to keep up with those changes.  
  
Saturday: April 10, 2021  
  
Oh no. My feet hurt.  
  
On our last day in London, we came to a consensus about _not_ touching our instruments for the entire day. We got up at around seven o'clock in the morning, ate British McDonalds at eight, and then hopped on the Tube (London Underground) at nine. In the afternoon, we did touristy things like ride the London Eye, mosey around the Tate Modern, have afternoon tea, go on a food tour through Bourough Market, and shop on Regent and Jermyn Street. I made the huge mistake of wearing designer boots during our odyssey.  
  
"Mina", Sana stands on her tippy-toes and gazes at me, "I have a surprise for you."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your feet must be tired, eh?" Sana motions me to sit down on a bench while she extracts something from one of her shopping bags. It's a cylindrical container with images of dandelions on the label. She unscrewed the cap to dab some of the cream on her fingers before ordering me to remove my shoes and socks. I furrowed my eyebrows at her when she told me to do this, then she kneeled in front of me and asked for my feet.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Dammit, Mina. Just do it!"  
  
My feet stilled and went back to Sana's lap. There was a small smirk on her face when she unfurled my tights and dabbed more cream on her hands, and it made me uncomfortable. Then she lifted my left ankle and started rubbing on the ball of my foot, working up to the sole until—  
  
"S-Sana, STOP!" I demanded, swatting at her hand with my foot, "Th-That tickles! AH HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
"Jesus, Mina! Stop squirming!"  
  
"AHHHHHH!" I winched, "Sana, please... this feels more like a punishment than a reward."  
  
"Your foot odor is clearly a punishment!"  
  
"What's wrong with my— AHHHHHH! THAT TICKLES!" I laughed, now wiggling my toes, "What's wrong with my foot?"  
  
"You slept upside down and had your foot placed on my face last night!" she scolded, picking up the second foot and doing the exact same maneuvers she did with my left foot, "I'm doing you a favor by soothing and cleansing your worn-out, smelly feet!"  
  
"I took a shower, you dumb— AH HA HA HA HA! THAT TICKLES!"   
  
"Mina! Stop moving!"  
  
"Your nails are too shar— AHHHHHHHHH!" Sana was moving up the arch too quickly, that her nails dug into my foot.  
  
"Mina, you're hopeless", she sighed.  
  
Sana gave herself a foot massage before we continued our London journey. Surprisingly, the foot cream actually did its wonders and now my feet feel like that of a baby's. It's not excrutiatingly painful to jaunt in these boots and I can comfortably speed-walk in them. I'm not going to reveal my revelation to Sana because she's going to go off with that whole "I told you so" approach.  
  
Then the evening arrived. Sana and I returned to the hotel to change into more formal wear.  
  
Seohyun gifted us tickets to watch the London Symphony Orchestra perform at the Barbican that night. One of the pieces listed in the program was Ibert's [_Flute Concerto_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fstMc3eRzIE), performed by a guest soloist named Wendy Son. I'm familiar with Wendy because she's been in a couple of wind competitions that I participated in as a kid. She normally took third or fourth place in the flute division, rarely second and even rarer, first.  
  
Wendy smiled radiantly and nodded at conductor Sir Simon Rattle to initiate the concerto. Right when he lowered his baton with a firm flourish, the string and brass sections presented the opening theme and the flute solo began immediately. She heavily exhaled and went on with the flow, instantly picking up her flute's part of the extravagant concerto that she had just learned diligently and effcaciously. The string section shortly joined in again, still keeping their previous pace while she swirled into a furious rapidity vortex that most flutists couldn't endeavor.  
  
The second movement of Ibert's composition emphasized a slower and and more lyrical theme; an ornamentation on the return of the theme and the use of recurring motives with an improvisatory feel that was characteristic of the Classical and Baroque eras. Wendy played at a slower pace to maintain the dominance of Ibert's emotive second movement, and eventually the rest of the orchestra followed suit.  
  
Wendy's careful attention to the dynamics combined with her impassioned appeal had enamored me. Her tone quality came off as so divine that she'd give off the aura of one of God's angels. My veins were filled with more adrenaline than the impromptu soloist standing on that stage.   
  
The third movement rushed onwards from there on out, the underlying feel much more bolder than the last as the soloist and the concertmistress fought for control. Sweat rolled down Wendy's forehead as she began to reach the last part of the final movement: A jazzy _Allegro scherzando_ with a virtuosic solo cadenza that was proven difficult for most musicians in the flute field. Wendy took a deep breath before finishing Ibert's finest concerto with its distinguished solo. Far from being superficial or even featherweight, her interpretation is thematically and harmonically intricate. Effortless agility, clean articulations, and a scintillating demonstration of a fearless and valiant sound.  
  
With the orchestra reaching its impending _crescendo_ , Wendy swished through the last passages with exempt, exceptional ability. I felt a cold shiver trickle down my spine at Wendy's excellent dexterity. _Genius. Just pure genius._ My heart was pounding my chest with every passing note.   
  
In the end, everything hushed in the aftermath. All I could hear was the rushing blood swirling inside the veins of my brain.  
  
"BRAVO!"  
  
The audience erupted into a powerful, resounding applause at Wendy's prodigious performance. Wendy turned to the audience to give them a graceful bow while the other orchestra members acted in accordance. Even though she's not as famous, she's definitely not just some rookie.  
  
Late dinner took place at this high-end restaurant in downtown. It would be our last meal with the BBC Proms committee and our composers. The atmosphere was very identical to that of the Juilliard Ball's venue — resplendent decorations, palatable food, a gold ceiling, and a floral uprising.  
  
Pickard leaved the committee's table and drew nearer to our table, "I hope you ladies don't mind, but I've invited a third guest to sit with you."  
  
"Who?" we questioned simultaneously.  
  
A shorter girl with light brown hair and light skin trotted down the aisle while carrying the hem of her long, indigo dress with her fingers. She had a bodyguard trailing behind her with her flute case and purse. Oh, it's Wendy. She tried to scurry towards our table in her high heels but surprisingly, she stumbled and toppled over. Sana stood up from her chair and advanced to the opposite end of the restaurant, helping the clumsy flutist up to her feet.  
  
"Nice to meet you guys", Wendy greeted warmly, holding out her hand for us to shake.   
  
"I'm Mina."  
  
"I'm Sana."  
  
Wendy retracted her arm and gasped, "Oh my god! I know you two! You guys go to Juilliard? That's godly, holy shit!"  
  
"Where do you go to school?" I asked of her.  
  
"Eastman. Fourth year flute major", she replied as she sat herself down on her chair, tucking the silky material of her dress under her legs, "But I'm applying to Juilliard to join their Master's Program this coming school year. You know, with Kai and the others?"  
  
Sana cheerfully rejoiced, "Oh, so we'll be seeing you next year!"  
  
" _If_ I get into Juilliard. The acceptance rate is less than five percent", Wendy gingerly sighed before digging into her niçoise salad.  
  
"I bet you'll get in", I assured, "You performed spectacularly tonight!"  
  
The flutist swallowed, shook her head, and laughed, "My level of artistry is nowhere close to you two. Even though the both of you are just third years, your skills surmount to that of a professional. Sana and her version of Strauss's concerto, and then Mina with _The Black Swan_."  
  
As we were getting served exotic dishes, we talked about how music was not a competition; it was collaboration. My camp counselors at Interlochen preached a saying like that, but none of the campers took those words to heart. Neither did I. In those days, I was a hyper-competitive kid wanting to slaughter everybody. Jisoo had told me that the bassoonists were scared of me, and it makes sense why they would feel that way.  
  
The conversation had somehow resolved to a topic about love and compositions associated with love. It turns out that Wendy picked up the flute because she wanted to impress a girl named Irene in her second grade class. I had no idea that Wendy also loved girls.  
  
Wendy's idea worked. Many years later, Irene asked Wendy out to their senior year prom and they locked lips together on the balcony of the venue. Sounds familiar, right? But get this: Irene was the one who initiated the kiss; not Wendy. Her exact reason for asking for a kiss was, "just beacause." When Wendy was recounting her high school memories and reached that point of her narrative, Sana nearly choked on her fish.  
  
Wendy and Irene share a long-distance relationship. Wendy is in Rochester studying at Eastman and Irene is in Los Angeles studying at Colburn. On the bright side, Irene is also auditioning for Juilliard's Master's Program with Wendy so there's a chance that we'll get to meet her as well.  
  
"I'm sorry for pausing the in the middle of my story, but do you guys mind if I use the restroom?" Wendy asked, "I haven't been to the ladies' room all day."  
  
"Don't sweat it", I chuckled.  
  
"Ladies, I apologize for the delay. Your alcoholic drinks have finally arrived", on spur of the moment, a waiter with sleek blonde hair and a sturdy body figure returned with an enormous bottle of sparkling wine manufactured from the vineyards of the Île-de-France region (Otherwise known as Inner France). He poured the beverage into nine seperate wine glasses with an affectionate smile, handing one glass to me, one to Sana, one to Seohyun, one to Whitacre, and the rest to the comittee. Sana and I glanced at each other, raised our glasses, and then clanked them together.  
  
"It's been a while since the two of us had a meal together", Sana pointed out.  
  
I cocked my head, "What are you talking about? We just had a food tour a few hours ago."  
  
"I mean in a restaurant setting", she corrected.  
  
Everybody took a sip of their individual wines, a euphoric sigh escaping each of their mouths as the tiny bubbles melted into their mouths and set off to their conscientious brains, with the exception of an alcohol-conscious Seohyun, of course. The modest girl sitting adjacently from Whitacre and the rest lowered her glass. On the other hand, I was staring at all the swirling bubbles in my unconsumed cup of wine, contemplating if I could handle it. I stopped my train of thought, glaring at the conspicuous, bloody red liquids edding around in my glass.  
  
"Is there a reason why you asked me for a kiss at the Juilliard Ball?" I asked out of curiosity, sipping my wine.  
  
I could sense disquietude rising in Sana's stomach, mixed in with a sudden anxiety of being aroused by a situation she can't control. My blood was pounding through me, the red bodily fluids swishing back and forth through my veins I awaited an answer.  _Oh hell no. Why did you ask her that?_  
  
"Oh, that!" Sana dropped her napkin as her mind wandered off to the melody of an ethereal piano playing in the background.  
  
"Did you... like me?"  
  
"I-I", Sana sputtered, fidgeting with her fingers as her face grew as pale as a ghost, "I-I just think you're cute! And—"  
  
"What?" I interjected with a confused expression.  
  
A sigh escaped her lips, "Mina, can I be honest with you?"  
  
"Yes, please", I wiped the sauce off my lips with a napkin.  
  
"I don't know how to explain it", Sana lowered her glass and fixed her gaze towards me, "You're so talented, your music is beautiful, you're _so hot_ , and you've become... what's the word? So selfless. The fact that you ratted out Reina for throwing away Chaeyoung's hearing aids, worried for me when I didn't have a date for the Juilliard Ball, called out Reina and the rest of The Six for their bullshit."  
  
I starred at her quizzically, "You admire me?"   
  
"Yeah..." she laughed sheepishly, "Is that weird?"  
  
"Sana, it's okay", I placed my hand atop her palms, "Thank you for telling me that."  
  
Sana removed her hands and replied hastily, "Obviously, if you don't have the same feelings, you don't have to reciprocate! I'll be fine!"  
  
I smiled lightly in an attempt to ease the atmosphere, "I just think that it's too early to develop a serious relatonship, at least for me. And it's not just you; I don't feel like dating anyone in general. There's so much going on right now that I can't even..."  
  
_What the fuck? I'm crying._  
  
Sana leaned in to wipe my tears away with a napkin, feeling remorseful herself, "Mina, you're right. It's my fault. The timing just isn't right."  
  
"No, it's my fault. I should've not asked you why you kissed me."  
  
"Oh my god. I'm so dumb", she laughed nervously, "I should've learned from Chaeyoung and Dahyun's breakup that we shouldn't rush things. And as musicians, we have so much on our plate that we shouldn't have relationships as our number one priority."  
  
I think the alcohol is getting to me, and now I'm starting to break down into tears "Our job is so hard. Like, literally being a musician requires you to _listen_ and that's not easy to do when you're about to lose your hearing. I don't have any fight left in me. I feel like I could just die."  
  
Die — that's the one word I didn't want Sana to hear. But nonetheless, she heard it in this quieted ambience, and she didn't seem at ease. I didn't expect her to be. Sana wasn't really crying or anything, but she seemed as if she was trying to hold back her tears, saving it for the event where I actually lose my hearing. The girl had a blank expression on her face, and couldn't tell if she was dispirited for spouting such a drastic thing in front of her face or more astonished by the sudden news about my hearing. Either way, I knew that I wasn't off the hook anymore.   
  
Dammit. My drunk ass made this night even more awkward.

* * *

**The Forty-Fifth Measure**

Monday: April 12, 2021  
  
Today was a little bit better.  
  
It's offputting to have five members in your orchestra missing. Reina has been expelled from the institution and Jennie, Yuzuna, Shuuka, and Karen have been suspended for God knows how long. In light of these potholes, Soobin has been upgraded from second chair to first chair flutist, overtaking Yuzuna's original spot. The first violins have all moved up one chair, and so did the violas. Shuuka's spot is now occupied by Choi Youngjae, and most surprisingly, Nayeon had been ordered to replace Jennie and Shori's position, making her the sole principal of her section.  
  
Hearing that Nayeon has moved up to first chair clarinet made me ecstatic. About a year or two ago, she wasn't allowed to participate in the ensemble due to her deteriorating grades and mental health, and was thus ostracized by the members who followed Reina. But now that The Six has been exposed for cyberbullying and the cause of Chaeyoung's attempted suicide, they are the ones who are now shunned. On the other hand, Nayeon is gaining a lot of love from us as well as the other orchestra members, some of whom admitted to blindly adoring The Six in the past.  
  
"And we have other important news to share", Concertmaster Kai says, lifting his chin toward the stage, "Along with Berlioz's _Symphonie Fantastique_ , there will be another piece that'll be performed. Before spring break began, Maestro closely evaluated the cello studio."  
  
"Thus came my decision to conduct a concerto; Elgar to be exact. For the Juilliard Orchestra's next concert, which will take place at the end of this month", Maestro Gilbert announces, "The solo will go to our seventh chair cellist, Chou Tzuyu."  
  
Tzuyu's eyes instinctively widened, taken aback by the Maestro Gilbert's words.   
  
The cello section were neither surprised nor appalled. Instead, they turned at the taller girl and applauded her. Their principal cellist even sprung up from his seat and pulled Tzuyu into a bear-hug even more violent than that of Chaeyoung's little cousins or the Crack Squad's "hug attack".  
  
Maestro Gilbert continued, pulling the crook of his collar, "Tzuyu exemplifies a vivid mastery of the passion, intensity and sheer beauty behind Elgar's composition. I have faith that she will deliver in this next performance."  
  
That made Tzuyu blush, of course.  
  
"That's my girlfriend!" Dahyun hollered, "You go Chewy! Make that concerto your bitch!"  
  
"Shush!" Tzuyu austerely cried, hiding her embarrassment.  
  
Rehearsals commenced with Berlioz. As grand and majestic as _Symphonie Fantastique_ sounds, there's actually a much darker backstory to it. The symphony narrates the life of a gifted artist with a broad imagination who meets a woman, turns to narcoticsm and eventually plunges into a deep sleep. It's a very bass-heavy piece, so it requires a lot of groundwork from the double basses, the bassoons, the trombones, the tubas, etc. The principal bassoon parts are difficult, but this isn't the first time that I've played these passages before. I think that I'll pull through.  
  
During the _forte_ sections of the symphony, where the trombones blared behind my head, my left ear cancelled out and I couldn't feel my face. I had to wear hearing protection for the duration of rehearsals because the pain in my ear and in my head was unendurable.  
  
Then came the first Pops Orchestra rehearsal since we started the _Ring Cycle_. SinB is pumped, Yerin wants to borrow another reed from me, and Mark and Junior are conversing about the upcoming BABYMETAL concert taking place at Madison Square Garden this weekend. The other members are flowering over Tzuyu, congratulating her, ruffling her heads, strangling her with their arms, and Eunha calling for a celebration with wine and a keg. Tzuyu declines because she's underage and also because she doesn't want to get arrested before her debut.  
  
Jeongyeon revealed that we would be performing songs from _Kingdom Hearts_  (unsurprisingly recommended by Dahyun) and  _La La Land._  
  
  
The same symptoms recurred in this rehearsal as well — facial numbness, tinnitus, and temporary hearing loss.  
  
At break, I retreated to the bathroom to refill my reed water and well out the droning sound in my left ear. It's not as extreme as the ringing sounds that I gained from the last rehearsal, but it's still an aggravating sensation. Then I wandered to the drinking fountain to replenish my energy. I'm having the same burn out that I received last week, and it's weird because I wasn't attached to my bassoon for more than half the day.  
  
Jeongyeon is off to one side backstage, her mallets tucked under the crook of her arm, updating other colleagues about Chaeyoung's current condition. _Oh right. Chaeyoung._ According to the timpanist, Chaeyoung is still in California and has been transferred to a mental institution near UCSF. She has been denied of any contact from the outside world and there's no telling how she's handling her stay there.  
  
_I hope that Chaeyoung is okay._  
  
_*poke*_  
  
"EEEEKKKK!" I jumped. Someone's fingers have been brushing my chin.  
  
"You left the water running, bassoon-chan", Jeongyeon chided with an amusing grin.  
  
I caught my breath and moved her hand away from my chin, "Don't do that to me ever again."  
  
"Do you mind us borrowing your voice for one of our concert pieces?" she asked.  
  
The word 'voice' came through my head and it occurred to me what Jeongyeon was implying, "Eh?"  
  
"I want to hear you sing", she recapped.  
  
I wrinkled my brow, "I know but why can't you get a voice major to do it?"  
  
"No one wants to do it."  
  
"What about Yuju?"  
  
"She's saving her voice for the next opera production or whatever", Jeongyeon's eyes drift over to that girl conversing with Sowon and Umji, "I heard from Sana that you have a _**gorgeous**_ singing voice. Apparently, you sang on her birthday as a gift?"  
  
_Fucking Sana would spill something like this.  
  
Oh my god. Sana._  
  
She notices my agitation and fixes her eyes towards me, curling her arm around my neck, "What's keeping you deep in thought? Is it because of Chaeyoung? Is it because of your hearing? Is it because the end of the school year is nearing and you haven't practiced your spring jury repertoire yet? I've been watching you from the back row and I noticed that you've been picking at your ear and missing your entrances."  
  
"The hell?" I recoiled disturbingly, "You were watching me the _entire_ time?"  
  
"Only while I was in _tacet_ , silly. I'm not that creepy", she rumpled my head, "Anyways, what's up?"  
  
"I feel like it's everything", I said softly, eyes glassy in the way that you can't express your thoughts to its fullest extent, "I miss Chaeyoung a lot, and it doesn't help that my hearing is deteriorating before I could even get a chance to practice _Silent Sonata_ with her, and then—"   
  
"Mina, when was the last time you visited Dr. McIntosh or Dr. Schmidhuber's office?"  
  
"Uhh..." my mind wandered for answers, but I have nothing, "I don't know."  
  
Jeongyeon placed her hands on my shoulders and squeezed them, "Put that bassoon down and go take care of your health. I'm excusing you from the today's rehearsals and I'll tell Maestro Ishii too. _Silent Sonata_  and everything else can wait."  
  
I opened my mouth for a protest, "But—"  
  
"Oh! And let me, Jihyo, or Momo know if you've decided to sing for the concert", she interrupted, "The song is called "Audition" from _La La Land_."

* * *

**The Forty-Sixth Measure**

Tuesday: April 13, 2021  
  
The musicology test that I had today was completely multiple-choice, therefore I managed to glide through the questions within twenty-minutes and excuse myself from class early. Instead of withdrawing myself to a practice room, I took heed to Jeongyeon's words and walked over to the health center in the residence hall. In fact, I left my bassoon at home with Nayoung, who will bring it to me before tonight's rehearsal.  
  
Umji was there, in a strawberry dress and dress-overalls, doing typical office aide duties like filing and stapling papers together. Her expression immediately changed from bored to giddy when she noticed my figure enter the room.  
  
"Mina!" she cried with joy as she reached out for a hug, "I've missed you! You haven't visited in months!"  
  
_Have I not scheduled an appointment for that long?_  
  
Umji escorted me to the room where Dr. Schmidhuber is situated and the smell of a hospital fills my lungs once again. I never found comfort in such an salt-water-like odor, but at least it smells better than my bassoon after ten hours of playing in the Royal Albert Hall. The cream-colored walls and the purple curtain come into view and it hits me. _Umji is right. I haven't visited a specialist in so long._  
  
Dr. Schmidhuber is seated on a chair facing his laptop, donned in the same white lab coat that he's been wearing since our first visit. He probably purchased about ten coats of the same color. I leaned against the wall with my hand on the side of my head as I was explaining my symptoms — tinnitus, migraines, facial paralysis, vertigo — all that jazz. Then I had to go through a physical assessment with Nurse Lui.  
  
"You're deaf in your right ear and hard of hearing on your left, and you could be approaching deafness", Dr. Schmidhuber voiced weakly, "I'm going to have to contact Dr. McIntosh about what he might want to do with you next. In the meantime, I would recommend that you prepare for deafness and think about your career options. You can also consider hearing aids or cochlear implants, but keep in mind that they're not some miraculous antidote that society makes it out to be. They don't 'fix' deafness, and some people are actually proud to be deaf. They..."  
  
I spaced out as he was talking about Deaf culture and the Deaf community. I couldn't keep his first sentence out of my head.   
  
_Could be approaching deafness._ See how paramount, how mind-crunching words can be?  
  
You know what? Maybe I should sing for the next Pops Orchestra concert. It may be the last time that I'll ever hear my voice in this clarity.  
  
Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals dwelled on the first movement of Elgar's _Cello Concerto_ and the first two movements of _Symphonie Fantastique_. I secretly mounted the lyrics to "Audition" behind my music stand, sitting next to the _Symphonie Fantastique_ score that I'm supposed to be reading and playing off of. My inflexible eyes have been stuck on the first page of "Audition", which is supposed to be spoken rather than sung.

_And I remember she told us that she jumped into the river once.  
  
Barefoot.  
  
She smiled._

Guess who I was thinking about?  
  
The nightmare that conjured up during our performance of  _Twilight of the Gods_ was replaying in my head. In that dream, Chaeyoung leaped into the sea from the Golden Gate Bridge with a smile. In real life, Chaeyoung is always barefoot when she's toying with percussion instruments. Chaeyoung looked almost as if she had all the hope sucked out of her, just as Tchaikovsky might've did when he was composing his last symphony.  
  
I wonder if a deaf Beethoven held his breath the first time his fingers came in contact with the keys of a piano, in the same way that Jeremiah Clarke held his breath the first time his finger clicked the trigger of his gun. I told the Crack Squad, especially Nayeon, in my hospital bed that I would continue living on even after I lost most of my hearing. Now that the actual day is coming close, I can't imagine living without hearing their voices or their music. Everything is easier said than done and I think that I can apply this statement to my current situation.  
  
Chaeyoung can feel discouraged at times and I'm starting to understand why.  
  
"Which bassoon missed their entrance?" Maestro Gilbert projected from his podium.  
  
_Oh god._  
  
"I'm sorry, sir", I muttered remorsefully. Maestro Gilbert didn't say anything. He knows about my acoustic neuroma   
  
"Mina, what's wrong?" Mingyu asked in a low tone.  
  
"It's nothing", I reassured and Mingyu returned his focus to the piece. Sana, who is sitting in the row behind me, didn't seem so convinced.  
  
Then breaktime comes around and before I could run a rag through my bassoon, Sana flew off her seat and quickly dragged me backstage. I gagged on my spit when she did that, and I could've sworn that I was close to swallowing my reed.   
  
"What's wrong?" she asked with observable concern.  
  
I shrugged, "Nothing."  
  
"You're going to tell me or else I'm going to take off your shoes", Sana threatened, but then sighed, "Have you been taking your meds?"  
  
I pulled my reed out of my mouth, "I couldn't bring them past TSAs."  
  
"No, dumb dumb. I mean now", Sana clarified, "It's been two days since we left London."  
  
"What's the point?" I cried quietly, sulking underneath my sweater, "Most of my hearing is gone anyways."  
  
Sana couldn't say anything. She doesn't understand the position that I'm in right now. I hated swallowing capsules that felt like they didn't belong in my body, and I felt especially queasy when I learned of Chaeyoung's case with sleeping pills. The drugs aren't all acoustic neuroma-specific; most of them are headache relievers like Tylenol and Advil. They soothe the tension in my head, but they keep me awake for hours on end.  
  
"Mina, I'm sorry", Sana grabbed my shoulders and hauled me into a long hug, "I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm just worried."  
  
"Thanks for worrying about me", I choked as I remained locked in her tight hug.  
  
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but Jeongyeon wants to know if you're going to sing for the Pops Orchestra concert."  
  
"Huh? Oh, that", gasping, I released myself from the hug, "I guess?"  
  
"That's awesome! I love hearing your voice", Sana voiced with an excited tone.  
  
"You've only heard me sing once."  
  
"I know you can do this."  
  
"Sana, I can't—"  
  
"Mina, look up at me", she interjected, tickling my chin with her index finger before lifting it and having me stare into her big, lustrous eyes, "I know that things are rough, but please don't give up on what you do. You're so damn talented and losing your hearing isn't going to be the end of you. It won't prevent you from doing what you love. Please, I don't want you to go through the same ordeal as Chaeyoung."  
  
She hinted at Chaeyoung's attempt and it rendered me deep in thought.   
  
"Hey ding-a-lings! Rehearsal resumes in two minutes!" Dahyun shouted from the left wing.

* * *

**The Forty-Seventh Measure**  

Following Pops Orchestra rehearsals, Jeongyeon drove us to the In-N-Out joint next to Gordon Ramsay's Restaurant in Times' Square; also the joint where Vernon and Joshua work at. The burger that I ordered wasn't as bad as my initial order months ago, when I first went out with the Crack Squad. I still recall the moment where that stranger pushed me to the ground, and when Dahyun and Jihyo had to threaten him. I also reminisced about how Joshua brought over my meal to The Six's table, and how I was pressured to hide my relationship with the Crack Squad from The Six.   
  
My life is so much better without The Six.  
  
"Isn't this great? Eight lesbians sitting together in one table?" Dahyun cried enthusiastically, raising her soda. From the corner of my eye, there were two middle-aged men staring at our table from the moment Dahyun made that announcement. It's a little discomforting.  
  
"Chaeyoung's not here", I mumbled, fiddling with my fork.   
  
"Thankfully, Chaeyoung is alive and has been discharged from the hospital", Jeongyeon revealed, "But unfortunately, I don't know when she'll be returning home. She's at a mental institution near UCSF right now and all forms of contact have been severed."  
  
Sana swallowed her food before starting, "I never felt easy about most mental institutions."  
  
"Have you ever been in one?" Jihyo asked, "Since you had emotional therapy at one point?"  
  
"Well, no", Sana explained, "The emotional therapy that I received came from school, but the other people who were involved in these group therapy sessions shared their traumatic experiences of being in a mental institution."   
  
Dahyun set her drink down, "My cousin, Bona, was admitted to a facility in Queens but the staff members didn't really do anything to help her. They just humiliated her for being a teen mom. And in addition, going to the facility made her family further in debt, fall behind in school, and instilled paranoia in her. If anything, they just made her more depressed than she was initially."  
  
Her face fell, "I'm sorry for what your cousin had to go through."  
  
"I'm a little scared for Chaeyoung too, but let's just hope that her institution is _at least_ reputable because every place is different", Dahyun simply said, "For now, I think Yeoreum and SeolA are doing more for Bona than that mental institution she was admitted to."  
  
"Y-Yeo... Seol..." Sana raised an eyebrow, "Who?"  
  
"Oh, Sana. You weren't there", Nayeon waved her hand.  
  
"Let's move onto a different topic!" the double bassist proposed, flashing a reassuring smile, "I don't want to get so bummed that I can't eat."  
  
"Agreed", the seven of us concurred.  
  
Nayeon, Jeongyeon, and Momo were talking about their repertoire for their individual senior recitals when the topic of Beethoven's [_Violin Romance No. 2_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULbfVgaMfdE)(one of Momo's pieces) revolved into a lovey-dovey comment of Momo dedicating that piece to Jeongyeon, and then Jeongyeon dedicating her percussion concerto to Momo, and finally Nayeon dedicating her Saint-Saëns's [ _Sonata_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHt4PFKiQE0) to Jihyo.  
  
Of course, Jeongyeon had to bring up the fact that me, Sana, and Jihyo are going to be seniors next year. Jihyo started by explicating on how she wanted one of the pieces of her senior recital to be a devotion to Nayeon, and for some reason, all heads turned on me and Sana.  
  
"You two are still single, right?" Momo speculated.  
  
"Sexy, free, and single. Must be ready to bingo", Dahyun quipped.  
  
Tzuyu smacked her girlfriend's leg, "Shut up!"  
  
Sana straightened up in her seat and talked with utmost confidence, "That's right. We're single and there's nothing wrong with that."  
  
_Oh god. Why did I have to get reminded about my awkward night with Sana?_  
  
The anxiety was building up within me as Jihyo was giving a hearty lecture about how it's okay to be single, and then how people shouldn't rush into finding their destined one. A pang of guilt then hit my heart when I had a flashback about the inactivity between Sana and I during our last dinner in London, all while Wendy was rambling about her excitement of joining Juilliard's Master's Program next year.  
  
I had to tug on Sana's pink jacket sleeve to grab her attention, "Can we go outside for a bit?"  
  
The rabid winds weren't very inviting. It's expected because it's New York City and the weather is habitually at its extremes — freezing cold during the nights and thickly humid during the day (if it's not winter or autumn). But even with this frigid cold, Times Square continued to be a densely packed domain filled with bright lights and noisy tourists, giving me tinnitus. Sana and I retreated down to the Times Square-42nd Street subway station for some peace and quiet and for a few minutes, we remained completely silent as we tried to rid the outside cacophony from our ears.   
  
Then Sana started, "Mina, what's wrong?"   
  
I ducked my head, trying to cover my watery eyes.  
  
"I'm... I'm so sorry about hurting you that one night", I choked as I hid in my scarf, gripping the hems of my coat sleeves.  
  
"Mina", Sana assured, slightly giggling as she pulled me in for another bear hug, "You didn't hurt me when you rejected me."  
  
"I feel like such a bad friend", I answered back, shaking my head, "I barely talked to you when you moved to San Francisco, I stayed with The Six when Chaeyoung was being bullied, and I didn't even think about your feelings when the Ball came around. I feel like I've hurt you enough."  
  
"Don't feel guilty for those things! It's not your fault. I understand that you were just scared or occupied", she responded with a tone of affirmation, drying my tears with an In-N-Out napkin that she stuffed in her pocket, "That doesn't overweigh the fact that you're such a beautiful friend, inside and out. I'm already satisfied witnessing how much your character has developed over the course of this year."  
  
"What? From me being a bitch to becoming a friend?" I dryly replied in a manner that I hope Sana didn't register.  
  
But she did, "No. You doing what you want for yourself and not conforming to anybody else."  
  
That shocked me.  
  
"I'm happy that you rejected me because that tells me that you know what you want for yourself", she voiced with a wide smile, "Either way, we're still going to be friends forever."  
  
I didn't have much words. Just hearing Sana making that proclamation was enough to paint a childish smile on my face. I lunged towards Sana, enveloping her in a hug and whispering "I love you" with the context of us being not just any type of friend, but best friends.   
  
"I'm sorry for making you worry", I mumbled into her chest.  
  
"Dammit, Mina! If you apologize one more time, I'm seriously going to take off your shoes and tickle y—"  
  
"Aww. Ain't that cute, little homos."  
  
I removed myself from Sana's hug and looked up quickly, spotting the same two men who were glaring at our table in the restaurant. The one who cooed at us was about six feet tall and had a dry, drawling voice that spoke of threat. His shorter friend's face was masked and was holding a bat.  
  
_A hate crime?_  
  
I felt a lump in my throat; my breathing began to grow erratic at the thought of the word "homo" relentlessly reciting in my brain. I grew more tense behind Sana, the body language of the two men enforcing me to curl in fear of the unexpected. Sana held my hand and gripped it tighter.  
  
"It's none of your business whether we're gay or not", Sana took a small step back, biting her tongue.  
  
"Looks like it is our business now that you proclaimed that", the shorter man snarled.  
  
Sana threw her head back and whispered to me, "Mina, on the count of three, run and get help."  
  
I felt as if I were going to lose my breath, "I don't want to leave y—"  
  
"Not so fast, you little fags!" the taller guy growled under his breath and backed the two of us up against a corner, grabbing Sana's shoulders first and pinning her up against the cold wall, causing her to wince in pain. There was no one else in the train station except us, and it's terrifying.  
  
They weren’t planning to leave us alone. The men were too juiced up, the blood in their system giving them the fortitude and boldness to oppress others, and I knew that Sana wasn’t athletic or coordinated in the slightest. I feel so stupid for choosing this area for its remoteness and stillness.  
  
The shorter guy stepped forward and flashed his baseball bat in front of Sana, and she let out a pained cry in a struggle to break free, "People like you need to be taught a lesson in how not to corrupt our society."  
  
Sana propped her back against the wall, distraught by what she just heard. Words can't describe how enraged I've become.  
  
If Chaeyoung or the rest of The Crack Squad were here, they would've done something.  
  
I can't just sit here and let them get away with harass others for being in the minority. It would hurt my pride if I didn't teach them a lesson or two about equal rights and justice for all. I'm not good in combat, that's a fact. I was never trained to protect myself physically, and chances are that I can barely hurt a fly. But I do believe that in order to be a good friend, you have to stand up for them and fight for their humanity.   
  
After I called 9-1-1, I tucked my phone in my pocket and squared myself.  
  
"GET OFF MY FRIEND, RIGHT NOW!" I grunted.  
  
"I'd like to see you try and pry her away from us", the short guy boldly replied, gripping Sana's shoulders even tighter. No emotion. No movement. No sign of happiness in her tender heart. Sana hasn't spoken a single word since the men attempted to assault her; her sweet soprano voice ceased to make a sound. The valiant girl was broken, both physically and emotionally by the circumstances of their ideals.   
  
"The only ones who are corrupted are you", I shouted aimlessly, approaching them slowly while balling my fists through the cuffs of my sleeves, "What era are you living in? The nineteen-fifties? The world doesn't revolve around bigots like you anymore. People are going to have different viewpoints from you whether you like it or not, so get the fuck over it and move on."  
  
"Mina! Just leave!" Sana's squeaky voice sounded dully horrified, "I don't want you to get hurt!"  
  
The tall guy held a hand over her mouth, "Shut it, lesbo!"  
  
All of a sudden, the shorter man tilted his head towards me, coming at me with his leather jacket slung around his bulky shoulder, exposing his white undershirt as he puckered his lips in contentment.  
  
"You're going to hell, missy", the shorter man spat.  
  
My lack of self-defense training and experience made him nimble enough to fist me in the face, dragging me upright by the collar of my shirt, and stealing my breath away. Preparing a fist and throwing a punch wasn’t going to be enough to defend myself.   
  
Sana was about to wail something, "MINA! NO—"  
  
_*BANG*_  
  
It was his baseball bat.  
  
An extremely hard blow went to my head and the next thing I knew, I had collapsed to the floor. A severe headache accompanied my breathlessness and chest tightening. With my knees succumbing to the pain as well, I unconsciously fell into a kneeling position, entombing the temple of my head into my arms, causing Sana to let out a large gasp before bursting into tears.  
  
Before I drifted off into sleep, I heard the faint sound of sirens and perhaps Nayeon's angry voice shouting something along the lines of "Back off, you piece of shits!" to the two men. I can also somewhat recall being lifted onto a gurney and a couple of medical personnel surrounding me.  
  
At least Sana is safe.  
  
The couple of seconds before my eyes closed, I caught a sight of the words "Dyke", "Fag", and "Butch" spray-painted on a wall within the station, encapsulated with large red letters in a Neoclassical font. The dripping effect gave off the impression of blood.  
  
Then I slept.


	32. peu à peu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_peu à peu_  
Origin: French  
Little by little  
  


**The Forty-Eighth Measure**

Wednesday: April 14, 2021  
  
I have no fucking clue what drugs I was on. Maybe morphine. Maybe some other type of narcotic.  
  
When I woke up, I pretended to sleep in my hospital bed, eyes closed shut and breathing leveled. I wasn't in the mood to speak to anybody.  
  
I overheard The Crack Squad, my fanclub, and various members of the Juilliard Orchestra and the Pops Orchestra entering my room. Sowon and her two minions, Yuju and Umji, bought chocolates from Grand Central market. Mingyu and Joshua brought in a plethora of balloons and stashed them in the corner near the bookshelf. Nayeon threw a fit, proclaiming that she wanted to burn the homophobes while Jihyo had to calm her down. Yerin and SinB baked a rainbow-layered cake. Mark and Junior bought me a penguin pillow pet. For a couple of minutes, Eunha just sighed and clasped my hand until Jackson picked her up for their violin lessons. Jeongyeon, Dahyun, Tzuyu, and Momo sobbed silently for a good hour.  
  
Then Sana came in and I decided to "wake up" from my slumber.  
  
She sat on the foot of my bed with her head lolling down, white cable-knit mittens to her cheeks while she was deep in thought. Tears streamed down her face too. This comfortable silence surrounded the two of us for ten minutes until Sana finally came up with what she had to say.  
  
"You didn't have to protect me", Sana shot back, rubbing her eyes, "Why did you want to get more hurt if you're already suffering?"  
  
I straightened myself on my bed, "The degree of pain that I had to endure doesn't matter."  
  
"It matters because you have an acoustic neuroma", she defended, "You didn't have to hurt yourself; you could've called for help from upstairs. "  
  
"Sana", I heaved, praying that my voice wouldn't crack from quiet sobs, "Those men were shouting those slurs loud enough for people on the aboveground to hear. But you know what? Nobody came down to do something about it. It's the bystander effect."  
  
A clock was ticking away in front of me, ticking and ticking and ticking. The emotions were building up from inside.  
  
"It would kill me if I just stood there to watch my friend take the blow", I said, "And it would kill me even more if I didn't do anything about it."  
  
It looked like Sana's heart wanted to smile, but her mind dictated otherwise. She projected some tears instead, soaking her cheeks in the way that rain does to your boots. She wiped the tears off with her hands and switched to a different topic.  
  
"What did the doctors say about your conditon?"  
  
I gave out a sigh, "Dr. McIntosh, that neurosurgeon, wants to do another MRI on my brain since I got whacked in the head. Can't go home yet."  
  
"Oh", Sana's shoulders dropped, "I'll text you the homework and give you updates on the Juilliard Orchestra and Pops Orchestra."  
  
"Fuck. I'm going to fall behind on practice for this", I griped.  
  
Sana could feel my desperation and grief in my words, but she just grabbed my hand, "Mina. You need to rest."  
  
"I've had enough rest", I shook my head firmly.  
  
"Maybe you should've not been involved with those two men then", she retaliated.    
  
I sunk lower in my bed and under the covers. I didn't want to argue with Sana. She's going to bring up how I haven't been taking my meds recently.  
  
"You know what? I'm not upset about what happened. I'm kind of glad that I got hurt", I laughed in my bed and it kind of creeped Sana out, "Just the notion of standing up for a friend and for the LGBT community is such a gratifying feeling. Suits who I want to be."  
  
Sana couldn't dispute with that. A light smile graced her features.  
  
"You've become brave."  
  
_Brave._  
  
It felt pleasant hearing that from her, especially after succumbing to my parents, The Six, and the other evils in the classical music industry for too long. Sana leaned in to give me another hug before heading back to Juilliard for orchestra rehearsals. While waiting for a nurse to come in and call me for dinner, I pulled up the lyrics to "Audition" on my phone and studied intensively, quietly intoning the words.  
  
"You sing beautifully", one of the nurses peaked in and grin.  
  
"Jesus!" I was startled and my phone fell to my lap, "Where'd you come from?"  
  
"The cafeteria is now open for dinner", she told me, "Will you need help getting there? "  
  
I shook my head, "Nope. I can navigate myself."  
  
"You won't have vertigo?" she asked worringly.  
  
"I'm sure."

* * *

**The Forty-Ninth Measure**

I always sit alone in hospital cafeterias. It's nothing new. I grabbed my carton of chocolate milk, a plate of chicken salad, a cup of jello and went on my way to the corner. The cafeteria was empty, save for a couple of tables that were occupied by patients and their parents.  
  
I kept myself occupied by reviewing the other scores that align to our orchestra repertoire —  _Symphonie Fantastique,_ Elgar's  _Cello Concerto,_ and the Pops Orchestra pieces. Then I dragged out the score to _Silent Sonata_ and went over that, all before overpassing Chaeyoung's part and choking on a leaf of lettuce. _Silent Sonata_ is the definition of my childhood and having four smiling and being happy-go-lucky families situated on the opposite end of the cafeteria wasn't helping. The warmth and contentment that I possessed earlier was replaced with a feeling of abandonment and heartbreak. I closed the folder and tossed it in the empty seat next to me, later bringing out the lyrics to "Audition" and singing softly.

_"She lived in her liquor  
And died with a flicker  
I'll always remember the flame."_

"You didn't tell me that you could sing!"  
  
I swiveled around and looked up at the girl who was addressing me.  
  
"Oh my goodness", I clapped my hands to my mouth, "Bona?"  
  
She was wearing the same signature light blue hospital gown as me, her wavy hair gathered into a side ponytail and an intravenous drip attached to her left arm. But even though she's in the hospital, the smile on her face still matched the radiance of her skin tone. _Goddamn this girl is so pretty._  Her hand was gripping the IV stand while her other free hand hauled over an empty seat.   
  
I gave her a brief hug, "Seriously? What are you doing here?"  
  
"I did my duties at the facility and got out yesterday", she answered, "But then for some reason, as soon as I was released, I got a stomach virus."  
  
"Oh, shoot."  
  
"It's nothing serious. I'll be outta here by tomorrow", Bona beamed, "Then I'm going to pick up my daughter from mine and Dahyun's grandma."  
  
I giggled at her jovial mood, "Good for you. I forgot that you were Dahyun's cousin."  
  
"I heard on the news that you got involved in a hate crime and that you shielded your friend or something", she described and it caused me to gasp from drinking milk, "Yeah, those two men are always up to no good. They also assaulted a transgender man last month."  
  
These news are putting a damper on my mood, "I don't get why people commit hate crimes. Can't they just keep their opinions to themselves?"  
  
"Simple answer", Bona began, "They are terrified of the difference, and they are ignorant about people who are different from themselves. They can't accept the fact that subordinate communities are gaining widespread recognition, so they try to defeat us."  
  
"Without a doubt, I know who I am", I said boldly.  
  
"Mina", she swallowed the lump in her throat before talking, "What you did was admirable. Not just because you stood up for your friend and protected the LGBT community, but because you located the inner peace within yourself. I still remember when we were talking about sexualities."  
  
Bona always flashes her glistening teeth when she speaks. It ignites a feeling of satisfaction within my heart because she's right. If I hadn't met her or her friends at the correctional facility, I would've not been able to reconcile with my inner feelings about my identity.   
  
"I still recall your solo in  _Simple Gifts_ ", Bona continued with a sense of pleasant rememberance, "Forgive me because I'm not a musician and therefore I'm not a music analyst, but your playing enamored me. I found hope from your music; hope that I could change the course of my life and be a good person. So I worked my ass off in the prison cafeteria, took parenting classes, and met with a therapist until I was pardonned."   
  
I fiddled with my fingers, looking down at the floor in wonder, "I..."  
  
"I just wanted to thank you, that's all", Bona projected as she got up from her seat, "I don't mean to leave so soon, but my nurse wants me back at a certain time to take my meds."  
  
"No, it's fine", I assured, "Thank you for talking to me. I hope we can keep in touch with each other."  
  
"Mina, I hope that despite the hardships, you continue to keep in touch with yourself", she reiterated my words before leaving, "Just like you did today."

* * *

**The Fiftieth Measure**

Saturday: April 17, 2021  
  
A bunch of hearing tests and medical tests were done in the past few days. Then Dr. McIntosh sedated me before sending me off for my MRI.  
  
In my dream, I was on the subway in winter on a day where the city was blanched out by snow. At the peak of dusk I was heading to the Upper West Side from Tribeca until the icy stretch along the tracks began to thin under the train wheels, the sun's rays peaking through the gray clouds. The train perseveres but then it strayed sideways and the ice collapsed, and finally, the train tipped over until it hit the ground. Turns out that the ground was also composed of ice caps and the sun allowed it to melt into a pond, a deep one at that. The train capsized and I'm drowning with other faceless passengers, screaming for help. I was never taught how to swim in my entire life, so water clogs up my ears and I felt like I was trapped in an aquarium, surrounding by penguins who were cackling at me. _Penguins can't even laugh. What the hell?_  
  
I couldn't hear anything. I was losing my senses, and I was losing my mind.  
  
Bona, who was discharged a few days ago, visited my room after my MRI. We conversed about LGBTQ+ politics and she lent me a USB with illegally downloaded lesbian movies. I tucked it in my purse for safe-keeping, knowing that Chaeyoung would favor this treasure.  
  
Then Bona left and Dr. McIntosh came in to discuss the results of my tests.  
  
"According to the hearing test, your hearing in your left ear has been descending", Dr. McIntosh concluded.  
  
"De-Descending?" I croaked faintly.  
  
"You're a musician, aren't you?" he asked, "We're going to have to figure out a 'Plan B' if you still want to pursue working in your field. It's definitely possible to play instruments with a lack of hearing. It's been done before, but it'll be difficult. You'll need to visit the audiologist more often."  
  
I couldn't feel anything. I felt as though as I sucked into one of those medical shows, or perhaps into my dream.  
  
"I know that music is important to you so we're not going to conduct your second surgery until the day _after_ the Juilliard Orchestra's next concert", Dr. McIntosh added, "But it has to be that soon or else the untreated tumor will become life-threatening, and you'll end up dead rather than deaf."  
  
He said 'dead' and I whimpered, preferring a loss of hearing over a loss of life, "Okay."  
  
"We'll work this out, Mina", Dr. McIntosh shook my hand assuringly, "You can go home now, if you'd like. The costs for your stay will go off your family's health insurance plan, so you don't have to stress about payments or anything."  
  
"Thank you for your help", I said quietly, and then he left the room so I could change into my normal clothes.

* * *

**The Fifty-First Measure**

I didn't go home right away.  
  
Central Park was a seven minute walk from the Columbia University Medical Center. I needed a quiet space where I could just sit down and think, perhaps even cry. As the sun was about to set, the cool weather began to kick in with a few chilly breezes. The bed rock appeared extremely beautiful when the flame-colored trees appeared in the autmn. One rock used to be shaped like an upside-down strawberry, another had an exposed rock outcrop and looks like a bald dome, and other rocks looked like cones or series of cone shapes. But now in the spring, still recovering from the snow and the rain, the rocks had no variety. They were all stale and lifeless, like a flat note.

_"I hope that despite your hardships, you continue to keep in touch with yourself."_

I sat on top of the Umpire Rock, an exposed bedrock that rose like the waves of a tempest, contorted and crimped by disturbance in the earth's depths. My legs were folded and I used my arms to embrace my knees, tears starting to run down my cheeks. It was a great build up of the uncertain thoughts associated with the upcoming surgery. I don't know how I can keep in touch with myself now.

_"Descending"_

Dr. McIntosh was right. My degradation of hearing was starting to become obvious. There's a street performer standing a hundred feet away from me, but the only noise that my left ear can register is his strident voice; not his guitar. I wasn't aware that were angry taxi drivers when I distractedly jay-walked across 59th Street. I didn't know that there were birds nestling in the tree above me because their chirps are so reticent.   
  
I didn't even get to play _Silent Sonata_ with Chaeyoung yet.  
  
I'm not going to hear my own voice, my own music, my friends and their music — I'm not going to hear the minor details the same away I do now. Chaeyoung is more adept than me at sign language because she knew that she was going to be deaf for a long time.   
  
If my parents paid attention to my health condition when I was younger, I wouldn't have to go through this today.  
  
"You picked an odd place to ponder, bassoon-chan."  
  
"I'm not in the mood, Jeong—" I blinked twice before recognizing the figure in front of me, "Jeongyeon?"  
  
"What's shakin' bacon?" she chuckled, embracing me in a tight hug, "I didn't know that you were supposed to be discharged today."  
  
"Me neither", my voice faltered into that of dubiousness.  
  
"Thank god that you're alive", Jeongyeon added.  
  
I had to laugh at her last sentence.  
  
"You seem troubled", Jeongyeon observed, "Why don't you come over to my place? Momo is cooking tonight."  
  
"What are you even doing here?" I asked.  
  
"I thought about taking a walk here, but as soon as I got off the bus, Momo frantically called to inform me that she forgot to buy some stuff for her hot pot", Jeongyeon showcased her shopping bags filled with unidentifiable items, "The Trader Joe's on Broadway is the only store that sells the Japanese ingredients that Momo needs for her cooking, and after I picked them up for her, I took my walk."  
  
I glanced up at the sky, which was nearing dark, "Don't you guys have orchestra practice at this time?"  
  
"Today is staff development day. No school", she stated, "So are you coming?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess", I shrugged.  
  
Getting to the subway was a struggle. I needed to run my hand against a wall in order to walk properly, and the only walls that I've encountered are in the underground. That's one symptom of the acoustic neuroma — vertigo. Jeongyeon ended up supporting me with her arm.  
  
Momo and Jeongyeon live in a one-bedroom apartment in Bushwick, a working-class neighborhood in the New York City borough of Brooklyn. Though Jeongyeon claimed that the apartment was tiny, their living space was vast, fitted with a kitchenette, a small bathroom, and one single queen-sized bed in the bedroom. In the living room, there was also a beanbag chair and a modern corner sofa facing a wide-screened television set with a DVD player and old gaming consoles such as the Nintendo Wii, an Xbox 360, and a PlayStation 3. Wooden shelves displayed various cartoon action figures topping a bunch of board games and video games stacked upon one another. Under the shelves, there was a vintage makeup table with a NYX Cosmetics Train Case and a box of unfinished macarons. In the corner, a basket of clothes was waiting to be folded.  
  
"I thought that you guys were poor."   
  
Jeongyeon threw her head back and cackled, "Mina, what's your definition of 'poor'?"  
  
"I'm sorry", embarrassed, I hid my flushed cheeks with my palms, "That was a dumb remark."  
  
"Nah. It's fine", she cut in offhandedly, patting my back as she escorted me to their dining table, "Those games are from my childhood, and the cosmetics case was gifted to Momo from her older sister whose a chef in San Francisco."  
  
I wasn't hallucinating. Momo's sister really does work at the Japanese restaurant where Sunny treated me.  
  
And it shows.  
  
Momo's hot pot had a divine, savvy aroma diffusing from the dashi soup stock and the earthen pot that she used. Pork belly slices and thinly-cut beef coupled with daikon, green onions, enoki and shiitake mushrooms, edible chrysanthemums, and kudzu starched noodles. The components just wafted down and beckoned you. My mouth watered the moment Jeongyeon fished out a slice of pork belly.  
  
Jeongyeon slurped her noodles before she turned to me, "Are you feeling a bit better, Mina?"  
  
"Wait, what happened?"  Momo questioned.  
  
"Stress of losing her hearing in her left ear", she said.  
  
I dropped my chopsticks, "Wait, I never told—"  
  
"Little did you guys know this, but I can read people's minds", Jeongyeon joked, popping another slice of beef into her mouth.  
  
"So what am I thinking about?" Momo challenged with a smirk, the tone of her voice coming off as squeaky.  
  
"Easy", her partner twirled one of her chopsticks around and guessed, "You're thinking about food."  
  
"You're right!" Momo blurted out in astonishment and I rolled my eyes. You don't need to be psychic to know when Momo is thinking about food. If she curls her lips, sticks out her tongue, or raises the pitch of her voice then you'll know that she's hungry.  
  
"And Mina is probably thinking about deafness", Jeongyeon repeated, "Getting hit over the head with a baseball bat can lead to that conclusion."  
  
"I... okay fine. You're right", I admitted, flinging my arms up as if I were surrendering, "I don't know. I'm just stressed pondering about it."  
  
Momo chocked down another mouthful of pork and vegetables before asking, "Stressed about what?"  
  
"What Jeongyeon said: losing my hearing in my left ear", I reiterated, "I mean, I'm not trying to say that being deaf or hard of hearing is a bad thing because clearly, there are people who are content with being deaf and they can identify with others in the Deaf community. But for me, as a musician, I don't know how I can accept it."

_"It's different from being born deaf", Chaeyoung expressed through her signs, "You're more aware of what you're going to lose than what you're going to gain because you were born hearing-abled."_

Both girls weren't sure how to address my dilemma. Sixty seconds passed with the three of us not sharing a word with one another.  
  
"It's a process", Jeongyeon was the first to end the minute of silence, "I watched Chaeyoung go through this sort of acceptance as well. And she's still struggling especially after the cyberbullying she received from The Six."  
  
"Exactly", I nodded, taking in what happened in the past month, "But it's also not being able to hear music in the same way that I did in the past. I didn't actually get to fully enjoy my own music until you guys taught me to view music in a different light."  
  
"Hey, Jeong!" Momo called, "You should give Mina that USB!"  
  
Jeongyeon almost fell off her chair, "Right now?"  
  
"What USB?" I crinkled my eyebrows.  
  
The timpanist sighed as she reached for something in her purse, "Since Momo spilled the deets, your fanclub and The Crack Squad made a video for you. We intended to show it to you on your birthday but we forgot. Anyways, watch it whenever you feel discouraged."  
  
"Uhh... okay", I grabbed the pink USB and placed it in the same pocket with Bona's USB with lesbian movies.  
  
"Mina", Momo finished drinking the broth in her bowl and then she started, "I'm not disabled so I don't know the pain that you're going through, and I'm afraid that I'm going to say something that'll offend you, but I'll be glad to share your pain."  
  
I was speechless for a while, surprised by the violinist's genuineness, "I... I don't know what to say."  
  
"You don't have to say anything, Mina", Jeongyeon clapped my shoulder, "You're struggling right now and I get why. We'll see if we can figure out how to solve this together. You don't have to be alone on this because you have me, Momo, and all of your other friends who'll be there."  
  
Biting my lip, I answered, "That's really sweet. Thank you."  
  
"That's what friends are for, right?" Jeongyeon responded with a warm smile, "They'll be there for each other."  
  
"And they'll give you food", Momo jested.  
  
"You can stop right there", Jeongyeon glared at her blonde girlfriend, but Momo just leaned in and kissed her on the head.   
  
"Thank you guys for your hospitality", I smiled, sliding my chair under the dining table, "I'd love to stay longer but I need to get home and practice. I'm really behind on my work and I haven't touched my bassoon in days. My hands feel naked without it."  
  
"Don't overdo yourself, shortcake", Momo laughed, "You're still healing."  
  
"I'll see you guys at school tomorrow", I said as I waved over to Jeongyeon and Momo. They waved back before Momo closed the front door.

* * *

**BONUS (Chaeyoung's Dreams Part 3/3)**  
  
Chaeyoung has been stationed at the mental institution for a couple of days now, yet she had already accustomed herself to the daily minutiae of her assigned ward. Many of the patients in her ward are there for depression, anxiety, and have made suicide attempts before. She has a roommate named Seulgi who snores and mutters intelligible words in her sleep, sometimes reciting her own dreams and nightmares. There's another girl in her morning group session named Yeri who repeatedly cries about something Chaeyoung can't comprehend. A nurse reprimands Yeri for disrupting this so-called "safe space" and it catches Chaeyoung off guard. _Isn't that what she's here for? To get help?_  
  
Before lunchtime, there's a guy named Manuel who shouts and punches the walls with his fists, claiming that he's hearing voices in his head. A code team is appointed to sedate Manuel and place him on restraints. This is not uncommon.  
  
After lunch, Chaeyoung consumed an entire cup of the hospital's watery coffee before meeting with her psychiatrist named Dr. Sing. With an interpretor by the deaf girl's side, they run through the same questions that she's been receiving every single day since she's been admitted. "Do you still want to hurt yourself?", "Have you been taking your medications?", "Why are you here?" — those types of questions. Chaeyoung broke down when she recalled the day she overdosed on drugs and Dr. Sing called her "selfish" for trying to kill herself.   
  
As if it was Chaeyoung's fault.  
  
Chaeyoung trudged out of her room with guilt recognition sliding down her neck. Not wanting to talk to anybody, she retreated to her room and laid on her trundle bed. Seulgi is still there, reciting a nightmare about a bear sitting on her chest so that she couldn't move. That's how Chaeyoung felt right now: her heart heavy, on the brink of hysterical tears at Dr. Sing's words.  
  
Without permission, she snuck in a sleeping pill and swallowed it, waiting to fall back into a deep sleep. She didn't want to turn up to her education group in the late afternoon. Some lady was supposed to be there preaching about medications, and maybe even God.  
  
Eventually, Chaeyoung did fall asleep.

* * *

In her dream, she was transported to someone's house located off of Golden Gate Park. It was a very small and simplistic house with an old-fashioned white clapboard fixed with shutters and a wraparound porch. It has a canopied swing off to one side and has a few steps up to the door. The front yard had small little statuettes of rabbits and cubs are hidden near brazen bushes, purple flowers, pink, yellow, and blue perennials and lots of fauna and flora that drapes, shades, hides and flatters the modest structure. Even a small fountain is buried in the greenery so you always hear the softness of a babbling brook. _Man. Who could afford such a nice house in the wing of San Francisco?_  
  
Chaeyoung, first swallowing the lump in her throat, motioned towards the circled door and knocked.  
  
_*Knock Knock*_  
  
No response. She retracted her arm and waited a few seconds for a sign of life — perhaps footsteps or maybe a mother's call. But alas, five minutes have passed and not a single budge was made. This time, Chaeyoung laid her hand on the golden knob, twisted it, and maybe hoped that no one was inside. She was right. _Who the hell would leave their front door unlocked?_  
  
There was a young woman with long, chestnut-colored hair and large, crestfallen eyes staring dully at a photo frame. The picture featured a family photo with her and a handsome man with a wide smile embracing his daughter in his arms. Chaeyoung suspected that she had become a widow.  
  
The door behind her swung open again to reveal a blonde girl and her instrument case. She wasn't just some other girl; it was Sana, except she's in her early teens. Chaeyoung gasped as a young Sana strode past her, not recoginizing her existence. _I guess she can't see me._  
  
Chaeyoung was in Sana's house.  
  
Her mom lowered the picture frame and acknowledged her daughter with a soft grin, " _Hello, Sana. How was youth orchestra practice?_ "  
  
_Wait. Sana's mom is deaf? No wonder Sana is good at sign language._  
  
Sana set her case aside and plopped down onto the worn-in couch, " _Alright."_    
  
Her mom identified her dispirited features and sat down next to her, " _You don't look alright. It's okay to be honest with me."_  
  
"I..." Sana was working so hard to not show any tears, but that resilience caused her voice to crack, even though she was going to resort to signs to communicate to her mom, " _I feel like a burden to my section. Everyone calls me 'last chair' because I'm the worst musician in my section, and it's actually true. No matter how much I try to pick myself up, I always fall behind because they're better than me. When we lived in New York and when I hung out with Mina, I always felt confident in myself. This time, I'm not too sure."_  
  
That made Chaeyoung frown, subjecting to intense tears rolling down her cheek. _I know exactly how you feel, Sana._ Chaeyoung had actually used the same word choice when she was devising her suicide note on her blog page.  
  
" _Oh, my daughter. I'm so sorry_ ", her mom started, transforming into a state of vulnerability in order to connect with her daughter.  
  
"You seem distraught, my dear", Chaeyoung heard a deep, sultry voice behind her. She whipped her head around and noticed that it was the same man holding seven year-old Sana in the photo frame.  
  
"Mr. Minatozaki?" she croaked, "I-I thought you were dead?"  
  
"I am dead", he chuckled feverishly, an amusing expression carved on his youthful features, "I'm just a ghost."  
  
_What the hell is going on?_  
  
Sana's dad took off his glasses and wiped the lenses with his sleeve, "So tell me, Chaeyoung. What's going through your head at the moment?"  
  
_He knows my name?_  
  
Chaeyoung took a glimpse at the mother-daughter figure displayed on the couch front of her. Sana was venting to her mom about her loss of confidence since departing from New York and Mina, and then being difficult for her peers at the youth orchestra. Her mom listened attentively. Well, listen isn't the right word; she watched Sana's signs very closely and conscientiously. It was a scene that struck Chaeyoung close to home.  
  
Chaeyoung heaved a sigh and shifted her gaze back to the ghost of Sana's dad, "I'm deaf, and I know that sounds silly because I'm talking to you. But in real life, I'm deaf. It's been bothering my orchestra members because my lack of hearing causes them to be behind during practice, and it burdens those in my percussion section because they have to direct their attention to me more than their instruments."  
  
"But it's not your fault that you can't assimilate to the hearing environment", he reassured, "You don't have to accomodate to them."  
  
"I don't know", Chaeyoung fretted, shaking her head, "I'm just not good enough for them."  
  
"You are good enough. No, you're better than them", Sana's dad guaranteed, "You possess something that they all could wish for and that's _drive_. Look how far you've come despite your deafness. You're a student at the coveted Juilliard School of Music! You're a member of their prestigious orchestra! You've been invited to perform with Mina at the BBC Proms! Your outreach performances, such as the one with Jeongyeon at the correctional facility in Queens, has inspired people in many different forms. Those kids who are belittling you would die to be in your shoes."  
  
Chaeyoung wonders how Sana's dad knows about her whereabouts, but she doesn't question it because she remembers that she's in a dream.  
  
Her dad kneels down to meet eye-to-eye with the percussionist, "You're a lot more accomplished than what you give yourself credit for, and I think that's something to celebrate. You can't let other people define your worth. That's what I try to tell Sana and my wife every day."  
  
Chaeyoung quietly wept as she buried her head in her hands. She was frozen, too shocked to even look at Sana's father in the eye.  
  
"Do what you love and don't let anyone stop you", he gently pulled Chaeyoung to a fatherly hug, "Keep those who are important close to you."  
  
The percussionist looked up to see Sana's mom tug her daugher into a comforting hug as tears threatened to fall down Sana's face. It correlated with what Sana's dad was trying to project to her: this notion of believing in yourself and having a strong support system.    
  
"How are you so good at this?" Chaeyoung asked as she released herself from the hug.  
  
"My wife is deaf", Sana's dad stated, "When the two of us were in high school, our classmates spat the same demeaning words to her as your peers probably did to you today. Being quite the overprotective man I am, and as someone who loves justice, I wanted to protect her."  
  
"Sana is just like you", Chaeyoung revealed, "Especially today."  
  
"Really?" he beamed, "I'm elated to hear that!"  
  
And before Sana's mom went back to the kitchen to make dinner, she looked at the photo frame again and kissed it. It warmed Chaeyoung's heart.   
  
"You two love each other, don't you?" Chaeyoung asked with a light smile, searching for hope in this somber situation.  
  
"With all of my heart, yes", he sighed blissfully, "I never felt any source of pity towards her. There are people who are proud of their Deaf heritage and she's one of them, and I support that. She accepts herself as a part of the Deaf community, and she views herself as part of a distinct cultural minority as opposed to a disability community. Nonetheless, my wife possessed a beautiful singing voice and our shared love for music is what pulled us together and made us stronger in the face of hardships. And that's why I married her."  
  
Chaeyoung was getting all giddy hearing Sana's dad proposal of love towards her mom. But what drew her into his narrative the most was his wife's love for the deaf community. Having pride for what people view as a detriment was a foreign concept to her, but it built on her confidence.  
  
"Thank you so much for talking to me", Chaeyoung said in her breathy voice.  
  
"Anytime, Chaeng", he winked and it was his most dashing feature in Chaeyoung's eyes, "You can always turn to me in times of need."  
  
And the dream ended there.


	33. cantabile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_cantabile_  
Origin: Italian  
In a singing style. In instrumental music, a style of playing that imitates the way the human voice might express the music.

 **DISCLAIMER** : The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.  
  


**The Fifty-Second Measure**

Thursday: April 22, 2021  
  
Graduation is one month from today.  
  
It's already dress rehearsals for the Pops Orchestra final concert for this year, meaning that it's out last rehearsal together as an ensemble. The musicians are abuzz with mixed nervousness and nostalgia. For me, this is only my third concert with the Pops Orchestra since _The Ring Cycle_  meddled with our schedule. For those who have been members of the Pops Orchestra since the beginning, this is their nineteenth concert. Jeongyeon, Momo, Nayeon, Jackson, Sowon, Yerin, Mark, Junior, and the rest of the fourth-year members were comparing graduation gowns and some handing out commencement tickets to the younger members. Sparkles set in their eyes whenever the seniors talked about graduation.  
  
"I think you need to give the underclassmen your last words since this is your last concert here", Maestro Ishii told Jeongyeon from the front.  
  
"Eh?" she glanced at her confusedly, "But we still have a month until the actual graduation."  
  
"Please, Jeong", Maestro Ishii begged, "Just a few words of inspiration for the underclassmen to raise their spirits tonight."  
  
Jeongyeon gave in, setting down her mallets and moving towards the podium. She grips the sides, hands shaking as to hold back whatever feelings she meant to spill out, "Umm... hey guys! I don't think I need an introduction since you all know who I am."  
  
Pleasant faces sprouted around, though Jeongyeon's head was pointed towards the ground.  _I've never seen her like this._  
  
"Let's see..." Jeongyeon began with the same nervosity. "So... yeah. This is our last rehearsal together and with regard to our hectic schedules and  _The Ring Cycle_ , we haven't been able to make much music together this year. I feel guilty for not being able to make time for us, especially since Mina and a handful of freshmen joined our ensemble this year. I'm sorry for that."  
  
The auditorium fell silent and many faces fell at the sight of Jeongyeon's outward remorse.  
  
"I-I mean, if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't even be here", she stifled a stutter, willing her body not to ache, "My friends and I only joined the Juilliard Orchestra to watch over our other members like Mina, Sana, and Chaeyoung. Especially since Reina and them—"  
  
_So that's why they joined the Juilliard Orchestra._  
  
My heart began to pound, knowing that Jeongyeon and the others sacrificed their personal time to watch over the three of us. Now I feel guilty.  
  
"I'm sorry, you guys. I digress", Jeongyeon recollected herself, "Anyways—"  
  
"Hold up", Jihyo commanded in a loud voice, calling for our attention, "This will not be the last Pops Orchestra concert in history."  
  
"Jihyo, what are you—"  
  
"Because I'm going to take the helm next year", she announced passionately, abandoning her seat and moving towards the podium where Jeongyeon is standing, "You created this Pops Orchestra to bring together all divisions — from music to dance to drama — and create a sense of unity within the student body with our shared love for popular music. You've uplifted so many people, and I'm not going to let your legacy die."  
  
"You're going to be okay leading by yourself?" Jeongyeon asked.  
  
"Jihyo won't be alone", Sana suddenly sprung up from her seat, standing boldly, "I'm going to help her too!"  
  
_Why the hell am I getting goosebumps?_  
  
Jeongyeon was about to tear up, and it might be the first time I've seen her shed a tear. My heart gave a heavy, stirring lurch at the idea of Sana and Jihyo intensely declaring to carry on the Pops Orchestra's traditions for a dear friend.   
  
"Maybe I should help them too", I announced to myself.  
  
"What did you say, Mina?" Yerin asked in a high, demanding tone.  
  
"Yerin, don't—"  
  
"Everyone! Mina has something to say!" Yerin hollered and of course, all eyes would fall on me.  
  
"I..." my nerves fired, making my fingers quiver over the keys and holes my bassoon, "I want to help Jihyo and Sana manage the Pops Orchestra."  
  
"Oh my goodness, Mina. Are you serious?" Jihyo beamed so wide that her face could split into two for her enthusiasm.  
  
"Y-Yeah, of course!" I nodded with full force, "It's the least I can do for everything you guys have done for me."  
  
There was cooing all over the auditorium, and Yerin had to swing me in for one of her bear hugs.  
  
Sana, on the other hand, had a teasing smile splattered on her face, "You're going to have to learn how to talk louder first."  
  
"HEY!" I cried.  
  
But it still wasn't loud enough for her standards. "Not enough, little duck. Keep in mind that you're singing soon as well."  
  
"You shut your mouth", I grumbled. Everyone laughed and Maestro Ishii just grinned.  
  
"Thus it is official that Jihyo, Sana, and Mina will continue the operations of the Pops Orchestra for the next season!", Jeongyeon continued, face finally relaxed as she pulls Jihyo for a brief hug, "Let's get ready, everyone. The people outside are waiting to hear our sound."

* * *

**The Fifty-Third Measure**

"Break a leg, Mina!" Yerin smacked my butt as she made her way to SinB.  
  
"Uh... yeah!" I lagged.   
  
It's been a month since I last performed on stage. When I walked out from the left wing and to my seat on the second platform, the noise pollution hit my ears. The rapid clapping emitting from the audience, the fine-tuning of instruments, the wafting chatter — everything was bringing about my sensitivities. I had to tuck my hearing protection into my ears before warming up on my own instrument, which felt weird.  
  
Maestro Ishii and Concertmaster Jackson Wang made their customary entrances, a flutter of seemingly hormonal teens squealing at Jackson. They're from the pre-college division. It took nearly a minute and Eunha's scolding slap to get Jackson to sit down in his seat.  
  
"I can't believe that this is my last performance with the Pops Orchestra", Nayeon sighed over to me and it reminded me that Jackson is a fourth-year too, and those girls are wailing because it's the last time they'll ever see his handsome face.  
  
Graduation always had this notion of finality to it — the notion that it marks separation; from the friends that you've made in the past four or more years, from your seemingly happy-go-lucky life, and from the dreams you thought would come true. Reality kicks in, and it kicks in hard.  
  
And these are the themes that the Pops Orchestra aims to highlight tonight.  
  
For _La La Land_ , Dahyun switched from double bass to bass guitar, Nayeon varied between clarinet, alto and tenor saxophone, and Jeongyeon hopped onto the eight-piece drum set next to Eric Nam, who took over the timpani for her. Many of the songs require more than a chorus for the voice parts, but we couldn't recruit such a large amount of vocalists; we only used a handful of our own orchestra members for the parts. Nevertheless, despite the rusty rehearsal sessions, our ensemble managed to pull off today's rendition beyond our previous expectations.    
  
Minyoung, Yuju, Jihyo, and our newest member, Yoo Yeonjung, covered the female voice parts while Woozi, DK, Seungkwan, and Choi Youngjae covered the male voice parts for an invigorating _[Another Day of Sun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMQdZRLi_WM&list=PLywiNEAPE4I9mIv_edkzGeyJkeJmB9b8J&index=1) _ and an intoxicating _[Someone in the Crowd](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocHKTdv-l9U&index=2&list=PLywiNEAPE4I9mIv_edkzGeyJkeJmB9b8J). _ Then Minyoung expertly switched back to the piano for _[Mia& Sebastian's Theme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MN_lhz9xSw&list=PLywiNEAPE4I9mIv_edkzGeyJkeJmB9b8J&index=3)_ , her playing as graceful and refined as always. Eunha and Jackson sang _[Lovely Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLwHEzw_dZs&list=PLywiNEAPE4I9mIv_edkzGeyJkeJmB9b8J&index=4)_ (with a key change to suit their vocal ranges) as an acclaimed duet in their own right, all amidst an opulent lighting and an exhilarated crowd. I've always known that Eunha can sing pretty well and has a light soprano voice, but it just came to mind that Jackson has potential in his voice as well.  
  
_[Planetarium](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BHNa4i4CUU&index=7&list=PLywiNEAPE4I9mIv_edkzGeyJkeJmB9b8J)_ is one of my favorite pieces in the _La La Land_ repertoire. The sweet echo of woodwinds represent the stars in the deep blue sky, celestial and dreamlike. Whenever I hear this musical sequence in my head, it puts me to sleep as if I were a child being tucked into bed. The last time I was tucked into bed as a kid, I was probably four or five years-old. The cold rush of competition and the reality of shattered dreams set in my head before I was in my adolescence. Some Juilliard kids have yet to face that reality, whereas others have experienced having their hearts broken and hopes crushed, but they all share an awareness of the real world. This is usually the fear that comes before graduation.   
  
[_City of Stars_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMLi1IZ0kco&list=PLmWZWPqX6ROMPq_eesk-Fn-E0mm0PHCzi&index=97) came after the eclectic _[Summer Montage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hosPgCFl-UI&list=PLmWZWPqX6ROMPq_eesk-Fn-E0mm0PHCzi&index=96)_. There are no vocals here; Minyoung's piano takes the lead in this contemplative piece. Stars allude to a changing point in someone's life — a fitting theme for the graduates. Stars are like heavenly bodies protecting the world, ensuring our well-being and promising advancement in our lives. We often associate stars with dreams, particularly the dream that we desire to form into reality. That's why we have titles and phrases such as "rising star", "stardom", "starstruck", "reach for the stars", etc.   
  
Eventually came _[Audition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1OSVYQOd8&list=PLywiNEAPE4I9mIv_edkzGeyJkeJmB9b8J&index=11)_ , also known as "The Fools Who Dream". I set my bassoon down on its stand, removed my harness, and made my way to the center stage. The lyric sheet was not in my hands; I didn't need it. The words just hit too close to home for me.

_My aunt used to live in Paris.  
I remember, she used to come home and she would tell us these stories about being abroad.  
And I remember, she told us that she jumped into the river once. Barefoot._

_She smiled..._

But for some reason, I was still trembling when I began the opening monologue. I stuttered, my hands were shaking, and my face grew pale. My anxiety spiked before I could sing the actual song. I had a fear of crying, of breaking down in front of three thousand people.   
  
I don't have an aunt that lived in Paris and shared stories with me, but the last two lines remind me of someone: Chaeyoung, who jumped metaphorically. She was a girl who dreamed big and never gave up on her art, but others dared to crush those dreams before she could realize them. Unfortunately, that might be the obstacle that Jeongyeon, Momo, Nayeon, and the other graduating students will have to face.  
  
"You can do it", Jihyo mutters from her first viola seat and it's slightly assuaging.  
  
I can't give in. I’ve studied the notes and their shape. I’ve spent hours infusing the song into my bones.  
  
Once again, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I knew that my voice was only going to last for so long, at least to my ears. 

_Leapt without looking  
And tumbled into the Seine  
The water was freezing  
She spent a month sneezing  
But said she would do it again_

The tone of "Audition" is simultaneously optimistic and melancholic. It’s a hopeful song. It's about never giving up on your dreams. You have to chase what you believe in and you make that venture for as long as you can withstand your beliefs. 

_Here's to the ones who dream  
Foolish as they may seem  
Here's to the hearts that ache  
Here's to the mess we make_

The melody unfolds and the piano accompaniment returns. I glanced at the ceiling for a moment, envisioning stars.

_She captured a feeling  
Sky with no ceiling  
The sunset inside a frame_

_She lived in her liquor  
And died with a flicker  
I'll always remember the flame_

That idea of never giving up holds a lot of sadness and heavy-heartedness. You go through one heartbreaking audition after another without an answer of when you’re ready. You’re not there yet; you have a long way to go. Just like the stars, your dreams are still far away and you don’t know how long you’re going to be stuck in this state of gloom. You might never even get the chance to chase them because they seem so distant. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling, knowing that you’re putting your heart into your craft, but also suffering as you travel on the path that holds your dream. Sometimes, the dream becomes too far to be within reach and you wither away before its achieved.

_Here's to the ones who dream  
Foolish as they may seem  
Here's to the hearts that ache  
Here's to the mess we make_

And oftentimes, there will be things that hinder you from achieving your dream.  
  
The woodwind and brass sections become more lyrical and as the bridge starts, the piano is emulating faster arpeggios and everything starts to feel poignant. Now I really have to sing louder. Here comes the _crescendo_ , building up with more and more divinity until—  
  
_Oh no. I feel dizzy._

_She told me:  
"A bit of madness is key  
To give us new colors to see  
Who knows where it will lead us?  
And that's why they need us"_

The lyrics tell us that it is important to hold that dream. It's very dramatic and very intense. It requires a lot from my voice.  
  
_I can't give in._

_So bring on the rebels  
The ripples from pebbles  
The painters, and poets, and plays_

The trill of a flute serves as the last sprinkle of magical dust, and then it dies off.  
  
_Just keep singing, you're almost there._

_And here's to the fools who dream  
Crazy as they may seem  
Here's to the hearts that break  
Here's to the mess we make_

Reality sets back in and I'm back onstage. All at once, the concert hall is spinning around me in excruciating billows of sensation. Then I momentarily lose my hearing in my left ear. I'm breathless, unbalanced, and feeling the need to throw up. I can't suck in so much air without thinking of puking. This is probably a sign that I too, am becoming a dreamer.  
  
Maybe this acoustic neuroma will be the last of me.

_I trace it all back to then  
Her, and the snow, and the Seine  
Smiling through i—_

_My god. I feel sick._  
  
One hot breath in and I can't even finish the rest of this piece. It just comes to show that I've been becoming progressively weaker.   
  
For the rest of the concert, Yerin ends up backing up my ineffectual ass despite the average reed that she's using. _We're not even halfway through the entire concert,_ I thought, keeping my head down. So much for perseverance.

* * *

**The Fifty-Fourth Measure**

There's a thirty-minute intermission between the first and second halves of the concert, giving me a bit of extra time to prepare for the next half of the concert. But first things first, I need a quiet area where I can actually hear my own voice. I have no clue why the bathroom is always my first destination during performance breaks. Maybe it's because there's nobody else here and I can have some peace to myself.   
  
I feel kind of shitty. No — I feel _extremely_ shitty right now, especially after having messed up on the senior's  _last_ concert with the Pops Orchestra. This crushing and aggravating disappointment is circulating within me. I didn't want to acknowledge how sick I feel, but I had to accept it as a fact. After this concert and the Juilliard Orchestra's concert this Saturday, I'm going to have my surgery and eventually, I'm going to lose most of my hearing in my left ear for good.  
  
_Oh my god, Mina. Stop sulking. You still have to perform in the second half._  
  
I resolved myself to crack open my folder containing the score to the  _Kingdom Hearts_ soundtrack that Dahyun assigned for us to perform. But as the second half drew closer I was becoming increasingly fearful, imagining the next round of tinnitus or the next dizzy spell.  
  
The door creaked open and it made my heart jump. I spun around after hearing Yerin's loud voice following it.  
  
"Minaring!" she exclaimed and her voice cracked, "You left your bassoon unattended."  
  
"Don't bring it in the bathroom!" I said firmly, still hanging over the sink in frustration.  
  
"Where do I leave it then?"   
  
"I don't know?" I said sharper than I intended, "Give it to Jeongyeon?"  
  
"You're okay, right?" Yerin asked, my instrument wobbling in her hands.  
  
"Yerin I'm—" I started with a shocked expression before continuing, biting my lip at the unease I must've caused her, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm being overdramatic. I'm fine. I'm actually fine. I promise that I'll be fine. I just need more time."   
  
"I understand", she nodded, "You're under a lot of pressure right now. But I'll just have you know that you performed beautifully tonight, especially with your singing solo. You have such a soft tone when you speak, so I'm surprised by how well you managed to project your voice onstage."  
  
I sighed when she pointed out the volume of my voice, "Thank you."  
  
"Wait a minute. Sana told me to tell you something", Yerin paused, speechless and lost for a few seconds before remembering, "Ah! Now I remember! Sana wants you to meet her at the front entrance. Apparently, she has a surprise for you."  
  
"If it's another foot massage, I swear to god..."  
  
"What?" Yerin tilted her head and amusingly smiled, eyes wide open in curiosity, "She touched your feet? How did it feel—"  
  
"Ugh! Never mind!" I stressed before mellowing down, "What does Sana want?"  
  
"Dunno", Yerin just shrugged, "But this doesn't involve your feet at all. I think she just has something to tell you."  
  
"Fine, I'll go", I closed my music folder and handed it to Yerin, "Can you give my bassoon and my music folder to Jeongyeon while I'm gone?"  
  
"No problem", she nodded, "I suggest you hurry before intermission is over."  
  
I straggled backstage and through the long corridor leading up to the lobby of the Alice Tully Hall, the milky moonlight projecting through the glass walls, the [noise pollution](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9OTyOI6rY) clogging my senses. There were guests loitering around while waiting for the second half of our concert, and they're noisier than the crowd that we receive at Juilliard Orchestra concerts. To intensify this feeling, before I stepped outside, the walls couldn't even obstruct the obnoxious blaring of sirens and car horns on West 66th Street and Broadway. My earplugs were useless.  
  
It's New York City, after all.  
  
Yerin was wrong; Sana was nowhere to be found. I know exactly what she's wearing today: my lacy black dress by Michael Kors and my black Louboutin stiletto shoes. She's also wearing silver hoop earrings and I believe that she left her hair down too.   
  
I speed-walked down 66th Street in my high heels, dodging tall pedesterians, pinching my skirt with my fingers as not to slip on the silky fabric of my black concert dress. In a sitting, I passed by The Juilliard School, the Juilliard and SAB cafeteria, and the NYC - Riverside Library. Still no Sana.  
  
_Yerin, what the fuck? I don't see Sana._  
  
Then my phone vibrated in my pocket as I was heading back to the Alice Tully Hall. 

**[Jung Yerin, 9:10 p.m.] Sorry Mina ;;;;;; Sana is actually at the Lincoln Center Plaza xD**

_Are you kidding me?_  
  
Panting with hands down on my knees, I stopped in my stride to take a breather. [Music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ_MRcPtQx4) was sounding from a random young bystander's iPhone.  
  
In this chilly weather, I then sprinted down Broadway and rounded off the corner of West 65th Street. My fingertips are frostbitten and my limbs ached from sitting down for too long. I'm positive that there were blisters building around my feet once I descended down Hearst Plaza. For the first time in my life, I'm actually itching to get my hands on Sana's British foot cream. My feet could really use them once I retu—  
  
"MINA!"  
  
_I swear to god. Someone is calling my name._  
  
"Mina!"  
  
I removed my earplugs and jerked my head around to catch the voice. A diminutive girl was standing in front of the centre's fountain and bright lights emitted from the three surrounding venues, casting a golden glow on her soft features.  
  
_Oh my god. It's Chaeyoung._  
  
No wonder why I couldn't recognize that voice. It was Chaeyoung's, and she doesn't talk too much. I bet she couldn't fully hear herself call my name. Her brown hair grew a little past her shoulders and she too was wearing a long black dress and black ankle boots. She's a lot skinnier than before too, and it worries me a lot. At least she's here and she's safe, and at least she's smiling, to the point where her dimples are showing.  
  
"MINA!"  
  
"CHAEYOUNG!"  
  
Neither of us vouched for a staring contest. As soon as I recognized Chaeyoung, we started running towards each other and leaping into each other's arms. My head was no longer spinning, but my heart was pounding heavily in my chest. A rush of combined relief and ecstacy washed into my eyes and the next I knew, I was crying not out of pain, but out of pure joy. I cherished this moment, hoping that it would never end.  
  
I had to release myself from the embrace to communicate with her, " _I've missed you._ "  
  
" _Oh my god, Mina. I'm just so happy to see you again_ ", her hands were trembling, " _It was a strong sense of "us" versus "them". The people were not nice, and the nurse called me attention-seeking for my anxiety. You have no idea how badly I wanted to leave the...."_  
  
_"The what?_ " Chaeyoung was using gestures that I weren't familiar with.  
  
She spelled it out for me with her signs, " _M-E-N-T-A-L I-N-S-T-I-T-U-T-I-O-N._ "  
   
Chaeyoung proceeded to elaborate on her experiences in the mental institution. Not only did Chaeyoung undergo emotional trauma, such as being humiliated by the nurses, but also physical trauma. The staff members drew blood from her in the middle of the night, which instilled her newfound phobia of needles. They kept misreading where the veins in Chaeyoung's arms were, so the needle dug into her skin more than once. Then she was issued the wrong prescription and had to get her stomach pumped _again_. Chaeyoung's parents are aiming to sue the asylum.   
  
I could see tears flowing down Chaeyoung's cheeks and she sweated heavily. She holds that smile to stay strong, but I'm still bothered by her story. Chaeyoung and I stop hugging and we look into each other's crying eyes once again. l let off a deep breath before say— I mean, signing anything.   
  
I gestured, " _When did you come back?_ "  
  
Chaeyoung held up her hands and laughed, " _Yesterday. Sana didn't tell you?_ "  
  
" _The hell? No_ ", I stiffened.  
  
I guess Chaeyoung was the "surprise" Yerin was talking about.  
  
" _Jeongyeon and the others had planned the Pops Orchestra repertoire before they announced it to you guys, so I got to study my parts while I was in the institution. Dahyun gave the score to me before the opera festival_ ", Chaeyoung giggled before reaching for her music folder in her bag.  
  
I can't believe that nobody told me about Chaeyoung's return.  
  
She tucked her music folder under her arm, " _I've been itching to make music with you guys for a long time. I miss having mallets in my hands."  
  
"What are we waiting for?" _ I grinned, holding out my hand. Chaeyoung was flustered and this time, she was the one who was blushing.  
  
She stifled a laugh and held my hand, which sent an electric trill down my chest. I didn't think that Chaeyoung would be the first to make me feel so giddy, but it feels so good. Seeing her smile, her passion, her love for the arts — it's so refreshing to feel Chaeyoung's presence again.

* * *

**The Fifty-Sixth Measure**

The second half of the concert was a lot better than the first. What great timing it is to have Chaeyoung rejoin our ensemble. Everything would have been incomplete not just without her affectional playing, but without her existence with the rest of the orchestra.   
  
" _You ready_?" Chaeyoung indicated before squeezing my hand.  
  
I just nodded, sliding my hand out from under Chaeyoung's and wrapping it around the boot joint of my bassoon.  
  
The second half of the concert is centered on friendship. I've never played any games from the _Kingdom Hearts_ franchise nor do I intend to, but Dahyun selected these pieces for a reason: they project ideas that resonate with many of the orchestra members. We performed a medley of ten soundtracks from the game including _[Daybreak Town: The Heart of x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfvv5fAV-tc&index=10&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9),_ _[Destati](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1NDeGWBNYM&index=2&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9), [Treasured Memories](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wr1JlZo-Fvk&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=3), [The World of KINGDOM HEARTS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRN8neGOYKo&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=4), [Fate of the Unknown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI_gjBDFIwI&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=5), [Threats of the Land](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxV92l4WXe8&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=6), [Heroes and Heroines](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU9ew5Z-XVk&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=7), [Vector to the Heavens](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7na3tyuhdo&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=8), [Wave of Darkness](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6ltTZxIzwk&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=9), [The Other Promise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIfBztp1s8g&index=11&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9), [Let the Darkness Assemble](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6N9dyStAi0&list=PLhcSrKyqhfh4S32J8khP4X1xu7fw_7eK9&index=12), [Night of Fate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXuILC8o5bM&index=22&list=PLKW8Zk74zg-RVkvKitId2E4gmKdE9fApO)_ , and _[Hand in Hand](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ju9bZZIqwwI&list=PLKW8Zk74zg-RVkvKitId2E4gmKdE9fApO&index=23)_. But there are three that stand out to me — _Dearly Beloved, Passion,_ and _Hikari._  
  
[_Dearly Beloved_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHUPNrNR-6k) is the very first piece in our program. _Dearly Beloved_ does not simply signify love in the sense of a relationship with a significant other, it's about the love shared between precious friends; dear friends. They are the people that you cherish; that you want to hold close to your heart and protect. Minyoung's piano unravels into resplendent sincerity, echoing powerfully throughout each and every surface of the Alice Tully Hall. Chaeyoung's wistful vibraphone gives off a magical, yet somber effect.  
  
The rest of the ensemble take the backdrop together, reveling at how beautifully our distinct sounds blended together. The pianist is the leader, the strings are the best dancers, the winds are the best vocalists, the percussion are the best visuals.  
  
This is how music is supposed to be played — with intricate care and boundless affection.

_"Play each note with precision and pay attention to the dynamics", my mom mom asserted, "Don't be so driven by your emotions. You must never do anything to change the composition because in competitions, the judges will assume that you don't understand the piece nor the composer."_

_[Passion](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3sfBwJIUK8) _ came second-to-last.  
  
The horns dominated this piece, especially Sana. Ferocious and impetuous, undeniably passionate. It swept everyone off their feet, some literally.  
  
_Passion_ is essentially an intense emotion, a compelling enthusiasm or desire for doing something. However, this particular song has been interpreted in many ways. I was internally confused looking at this song at first glance, but then somehow, everything began to piece together.  
  
Utada Hikaru, a singer and songwriter who provided her voice for Kingdom Hearts songs, and the staff intended for this song to communicate with the audience on the emphasis of nostalgia, deliberating on the details of the past, present, and future. Another critic sported that _Passion_ seeks out childhood memories and that time will introduce the child to a “new world”. One critic believed that _Passion_ highlighted on "hope" more than "sadness". Contrariwise, another critic found weakness and strength simultaneously.  
  
Another critic sought _Passion_ as a song that resembles a emptiness; somebody with practically no passion and is seen with no purpose. Having a piece of your vitality scooped away and displaced was a major motif in the Kingdom Hearts series. Dahyun indicated that the “Nobodies” in the game were very insecure about their existence. She dissected the lyrics from “Sanctuary”, the english counterpart to “Passion”:

_(So many ups and downs)  
My heart's a battleground_

"My heart's a battleground" invokes struggle for the Nobodies become whole.

_(I need true emotions)  
(I need more affection than you know)  
(I need true emotions)_

"I need true emotions" speaks of the Nobodies seeking their hearts. This notion augments the "I need more affection than you know" line. The Nobodies want to have emotion and communicating affection to the Nobodies aids them to “feel” and develop their character. Nobodies and Hearts never completely lose contact; there's a constant drive for these elements to reconnect. Hence, the title _Passion_. A nobody is made up of the memories and personality left over, but it can still feel the presence of it's heart, no matter how far away it is.

_"I-I'm just so sorry for being you know, a judgmental dick to you guys in the past. You guys are the friends and the family that have been missing throughout my twenty-one years of life. Thank you for giving me the birthday party that I never had. Thank you for making me smile, making me laugh, pushing me but not letting me fall. Because of you guys, I stand tall."_

_[Hikari](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGidvt4NTPI) _ was the last piece in this medley.  
  
Individual bows in hand, Dahyun, Sowon, Tzuyu, Momo, Jihyo, and Yuju make eye contact with each other to follow the lofty notes of the two governing violinists, Eunha and Jackson. Chaeyoung, Jeongyeon, BamBam, and Eric Nam are flexing their wrists before preparing their sticks. Choi Youngjae nods at Umji with his tender gentleness, wordlessly ensuring that she's going to be fine and that she'll overcome her brewing anxiety. Nayeon's eyes smile as she gazes upwards into Sana's eyes, who is mouthing words of encouragement from the row behind us.   
  
"Mina", Yerin whispers, holding out her hand in front of me.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"We're in this together!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah", I breathe, lightly removing my hand from Yerin's eager grasp so I could hold onto my bassoon.  
  
_Hikari_ is Japanese for "Light", a universal force in the Kingdom Hearts universe. If _Passion_ was the dusk, then _Hikari_ was the dawn.  
  
A reviewer stated that the lyrical content discusses themes of mystery and daily life actions; he furthered believed that the song's lyrics is an open interpretation, due to its lack of major characteristics and identified philosophy and religion as examples. The focus switches to other ideas such as existential problems, finding your place in this world, understanding your emotions, and locating an individual's position on a scale from "absolute good" to "absolute evil". Finding light in darkness is a theme commonly interpreted in Hikari.  
  
"The light known as _you_ finds me in the middle of the night", is one of Sora's most famous quotes. No matter how far apart you are physically, you'll be always be together. SinB and Yerin are sharing smiles as they play. Tzuyu and Dahyun are beaming simultaneously from their sections.  
  
Studying our past helps us act on our future; that’s what finding light in darkness means. Every group exhibits their own behaviors and they are handed down from generation to generation. Those behaviors are contrived by society and the events surrounding that group. By understanding these events, we can discern why people act the way they do. We can use our knowledge to potentially predict people’s future actions as well.  
  
It also means that we have our friends behind our back to uplift us and we can guide each other through darkness. Even if we’re separated by place and time, we’re inseparable through our hearts. Friends will stick by you even when he gets to know you really well. A true friend thinks of you when all others are thinking of themselves. A true friend walks in when the world walks out.  
  
They say that distant hearts, when rejoined as one, may find the light within.  
  
And true friends may even introduce you to a world you've never anticipated on visiting.  
  
Utada as well as Shimomura, the composer to the _Kingdom Hearts_ soundtrack, would be delighted to listen to the unparalleled harmony of ninety musicians staggering the crowd with their immaculate unity of sound. _Hikari_ opens up a radiant universe of light and harmony. The strings are full and mellow, making the woodwinds sound more savory. The woodwinds are emotive and lyrical, providing the strings with more power. The brass are euphonious and breathtaking, amplifying and hyping up the percussion section for their massive moments. The various drums and cymbals are groundbreaking, blending beautifully with the immense brass and supporting them after their tremendous rips in the sound texture.  
  
Everybody is separated by section, but we remained connected through our hearts.  
  
I'm very grateful to be a part of an ensemble that prides themselves on being a tight-knit group and bringing joy to other listeners with our individual unity (yes, a paradox). I'm looking forward to leading the Pops Orchestra with Jihyo and Sana next year.

* * *

**BONUS (Blog Entry Number ~~13~~ 12)**

**JUILLIARD ADMISSIONS BLOG**

**Birthday Parties**  
Written by: Son Chaeyoung — Second Year, Percussion Major

Hi, everyone! It's Chaeyoung again.  
  
I'm sorry for having not posted in a long time. My schedule has been hectic, but today I get a break. Why? Today (4/23) is my birthday.  
  
I just recently received a text from my mother asking me what I was going to do on my birthday, especially since we live in New York City now. Birthdays back at home were [wild west](http://www.midorikittykitty.com/wp-site-content/uploads/2016/04/2016-04-26-06.47.34-3.jpg), [mermaid-princess](http://www.midorikittykitty.com/wp-site-content/uploads/2016/10/TWICE-TT-18.png), or [Harry Potter](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CSl-PNPUwAAM8Y3.jpg)-themed and usually involved dripping streamers around the house, devouring cake with sugary icing, and a makeshift swimming pool in the backyard. When I was older, I would just hang with Sana and Jihyo at Japantown to eat decadent crépes ([San Francisco has some bomb-ass crépes](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f0/3b/c6/f03bc6199a4265a11e941702df1f5035.jpg)) and mess around with the photo booths at Pika Pika.   
  
Last year, when I was a freshman at Juilliard, I was too stressed from cramming for juries to even hold a birthday party. Now a bit more experienced, I've learned to manage my time better so I could have free time every now and then.  
  
I read a couple of comments from one of my friend's "Weekends in the City" blogs. One pondered how Juilliard kids hold parties. Another wondered if Juilliard parties even exist. There's a common stereotype about our student body practicing twenty-four-seven with little time for leisure, but that's not entirely true. Even we're aware of the state of our physical and psychological health so because of that, we allocate time to let loose as well. You can still be a Juilliard student and have a life. We still stay on top of our work so we deserve a break, right?  
  
For my twentieth birthday, Jeongyeon and the others planned on holding a party in the dorm lounge with the Pops Orchestra members. I don't live in Juilliard's residence hall but we had to use the space because my apartment isn't large enough to squeeze in ninety people. Heck, the lounge itself can't accommodate half of our orchestra. We had to relocate to the student lounge at the Office of Student Affairs — a larger facility. The lounge is already supplied with games, books, computers, a television set, and a scatter of cozy chairs.  
  
A cheese fondue station and a chocolate fountain were set up alongside other delicacies. My birthday cake was coffee-flavored with espresso buttercream and a white chocolate ganache. Alcohol wasn't allowed because I'm still not of legal age.  
  
Also, thank god there was no alcohol, or else Jeongyeon would have to drive twenty people back to their own homes. Dropping off twenty intoxicated adults throughout the five boroughs of Manhattan would be an extreme pain in the ass. Actually, you don't want to drive in New York City in general. I was actually supposed to get my driver's license a long time ago, but I've forgotten how to drive since I moved into the city (public transportation is where everything is at!). Mina and Sana don't even know how to drive. Back in San Francisco, my dad tried to teach Sana how to drive in the Inner Sunset District. She panicked and ran a stoplight. Never again.  
  
You didn't have to get drunk to have a good time. Uno, Mario Kart, and Monopoly ascended from Jeongyeon and Momo's repertoire of conventional party games. The most memorable part of the day was "Truth or Dare". Sana and Mina acted as my translators for the game.  
  
I don't want to go into too much detail about our "Truth or Dare" match without the permission of the players, but I can tell you that it was a blast (albeit a little on the inappropriate side). Mina's private teacher was involved (again), as well as Jackson, Eunha, and Momo's private teachers.  
  
At the end, we watched [_Carol_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_\(film\)), one of my favorite movies of all time. It was Mina's first time watching it and she cried a river. I held Mina in my arms even though I'm smaller than her. More accurately, I back hugged her. I've always known that Mina was the sensitive type, but the movie had her stirred. I can't tell you why she cried or else I'll spoil the movie for those who didn't watch it. I highly recommend watching it!  
  
I sincerely want to thank the members of the Pops Orchestra for giving me a place to be loved and to be myself. I've been going through a lot of rough patches in the past couple of weeks so when I returned to New York to find out about this birthday surprise, I was very touched. I believe this party connects to the idea of friendship that we displayed during last night's concert with _Kingdom Hearts_. I can't stress enough how important it is to have a support system in such a competitive environment. 


	34. alla marcia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_alla marcia_  
Origin: Italian  
In the style of a march  
  


**The Fifty-Sixth Measure**

Saturday: April 24, 2021  
  
That morning, Chaeyoung came over to my penthouse. Nayoung made breakfast and then we shut ourselves in my personal practice room, going over _Silent Sonata_ together for the first time. We survery the piece in silence — not an uncomfortable silence, but a peaceful type of silence. I mean, when there's a deaf girl and an maybe-to-become-deaf girl in one room, there's bound to be silence.  
  
Chaeyoung used the grand piano in place of her mallet percussion. I situated myself on a chair adjacent to the piano, sleeved sheet music on a framed music stand and an unassembled bassoon still sitting in its case. Using the simplest signs as possible (due to my finite knowledge of sign language), I explained my interpretation of _Silent Sonata_ while she nodded at my hands, her facial expression blank. I don't think she's grasping a single word— I mean, sign — that I'm using. Now Chaeyoung is criss-crossing her legs on the piano bench and giving me a confused look.  
  
_"So you mean to say that 'Silent Sonata' is about a girl who is quiet?"_  
  
Dammit. I can't use such complex signs to explain the deeper meaning of _Silent Sonata_ without knowing _those_ signs.  
  
" _We'll work through it_ ", Chaeyoung concluded, " _But looking at the music from first glance..."_  
  
Chaeyoung is using music theory to work on the song and it's very eye-opening. She writes down notes on both of our scores and experiments each note with the grand piano. The introduction of dissonance in her accompaniment resolves into the major key in the way "Audition" switches from two conjoined lyrics ("Here's to the ones who dream, crazy as they may seem"). It's essentially a distortion of the girl's dream – the sprinkles and fairy dust of the classical music industry are removed and replaced with the bite of cold competition.    
  
The use of a major seventh makes _Silent Sonata_ feel emotionally intricate and disturbed. In the first movement, there's a lot of development to imply a person's restrained yet erratic feelings as they encounter a dire series of events. You can feel a lot of emotions within a short timeframe.   
  
" _This piece does remind me of you_ ", Chaeyoung pinpointed, removing her hands from the piano's keys.  
  
" _Really? I think more of you when I hear it_ ", I countered, staring at her hands.  
  
" _Maybe the two of us are not so much different after all_ ", she concluded with a grin and _god,_ it stirs me, " _Also, how is your hearing?"_  
  
I suck in a breath and sigh, " _Not good. I'm going to lose most of my hearing in my left ear very soon. After tonight's concert, I think."_  
  
I can feel the hot blood in my ears as I'm signing to Chaeyoung. She tried not to crane her neck while gaping at my dispirited face intensely, but I can't help but notice how glum this atmosphere is. The lighthearted scene parted to something pensive; cold sober. Then Chaeyoung pulls my wrists to have my hands sandwiched in between hers, eyelids fluttering, smiling with pinkened cheeks.  
  
Then Chaeyoung releases my tense hands from her grasp, " _I know exactly how you feel. I've been in your position before."  
  
"I know. You explained to me."  
  
"But if there's something I learned from my many dreams, it's that being deaf isn't going to be the end of the world", _ Chaeyoung signed and then wiggled her index finger, " _Sure you're not going to be able to hear your surroundings the same way you do today, and the stigma towards deaf people still exists, but there's beauty to our silence that no one can comprehend except a select few. We often look at the negatives, but there's also positives."_  
  
I glanced at her confoundedly, " _I guess?_ "  
  
" _Mina. I'm not saying that deafness is going to be all puppies and rainbows_ ", Chaeyoung continued, " _But to every cloud, there's a silver lining. And deaf people are just as capable of accomplishing things that hearing people can do."  
  
"Let's start practicing this sonata", _ I sidetracked before picking up my bassoon and propping a reed in between my lips.  
  
Some time passed, punctuated with Chaeyoung making remarks about style and the inner meaning of _Silent Sonata_. Nayoung called us for lunch but Chaeyoung can't hear her and I'm too absorbed in my bassoon-playing to acknowledge her. Chaeyoung stops in the middle of the third movement to escape to her mind mansion, and I take the opportunity to yank out a rag from my case and wipe off the building condensation inside my instrument. I don't know what the fuck is currently on Chaeyoung's mind, but she's grinning like an idiot.  
  
" _I have a theory about this movement_ ", Chaeyoung's proclaimed, hands sliding away from the piano keys. Her hand motioned towards a pencil on my music stand and she began jotting down her thoughts about _Silent Sonata_ 's third movement on my sheet music:

**These upward arpeggios on my part, then your trills in this bar, and also this _crescendo_ over here. This movement is much more optimistic. It's promising lyricism. _Silent Sonata_ isn't about being silenced by others; that's what _The Black Swan_ was about. _Silent Sonata_ is about finding hope within that silence and converting it into a voice.**

I widened my eyes.  
  
"I guess", I mumbled to myself, nodding at each word.  
  
" _Let's stop here and eat lunch before we leave_ ", Chaeyoung suggested before lowering the piano lid.   
  
I put my bassoon away and pondered over roasted lamb shanks and scalloped potatoes, not sure if I was hungry or not. Nayoung offered to fix Chaeyoung's hair for the concert, so I stepped outside to wait. I wandered around Teardrop Park under the sinking sun, whistling the first nine bars in the third movement of _Silent Sonata_ , later covering my ears when a mob of noisy students poured in from the neighboring high school. _God. I used to be unbothered by these kids._ None of this was good for my ears. Annoyed, I settled on heading back to my penthouse and taking a bath.   
  
The scorching heat seemed to wake me up.  
  
"Snap out of it!" I slapped my cheeks under the hot water gushing in from the shower head, "You still have your hearing. Embrace it tonight."  
  
With a little more resolve, I slipped on a silk bathrobe and dried my hair, laughing to myself at my steadfastness. I opened the door to release the steam from the bathroom, only to find Chaeyoung in a shimmering, halter-topped black dress and glistening wavy hair.  
  
"OH MY G— I'm so sorry!" Chaeyoung squeaked out loud, covering her eyes. It just came to my head that Chaeyoung witnessed me in a bathrobe.  
  
"I-It's okay", I stuttered, but then I remembered that Chaeyoung can't decipher my words, " _You're fine._ "  
  
While affixing my diamond drop earrings, I stared at this beautiful black beaded dress sitting on the foot of my bed, established with a body-contouring ruching on the back, sweetheart lining beneath the long-sleeved lace bodice, and a thigh-high slit on the long skirt. I recall Nayoung saying that she would head out to Macy's to go dress-shopping for a late night date with Pinky after the concert, but she said that this dress was too short for her tall, lean stature. The process of putting the dress on was like preparing for a funeral, perhaps my own funeral.   
  
_Shut up, Myoui._  
  
After squirming into the gown, Yoojung summoned me to the second bathroom to have my hair and makeup done by Nayoung. The elder housekeeper appeared to have exceptional taste when it came to makeup, giving Chaeyoung and I a sophisticated fix. It appeared that she had been playing around with my Lush and Tony Moly makeup kits, testing her creations on Yoojung whenever I was absent.   
  
"Yoojung and I can't wait to watch you guys perform", Nayoung gleamed at me, "And by the way, you look sexy in that dress."  
  
I was too abashed by her compliment to even speak properly, "Y-You have fun with Pinky tonight too!"   
  
"Oh, you bet I will", she smirked knowingly in her low, smooth voice.  
  
"What?"   
  
"Never mind", Nayoung shrugged off, "You just enjoy performing tonight."  
  
Enjoy — that's the keyword for tonight. 

* * *

**The Fifty-Seventh Measure**

"Nayoung did your's and Chaeyoung's hair?" Sana gazed at my fancy braided updo with sparkling eyes. She was taking her sweet time cleaning her horn inside and out because she wasn't going to be the acting principal for the first half; Chaekyung was.   
  
"Yes", I said, tugging at my earrings out of fear that they had disappeared while Nayoung was zooming across Manhattan with her car.  
  
"And you didn't even invite me?" Sana asked with a jab of playful jealousy.  
  
"You were shopping with Nayeon!" I reminded her.  
  
"Oh", the hornist realized, laughing shakily at her absent-mindedness, "Silly me! I guess I'm just exhausted from calling three Ubers just to go to three different places. We went to Macy's Herald Square, but neither of us could find a dress there so Nayeon called an Uber to take us to Fifth Avenue, but then the stores were too pricey there, so I called an Uber to take us to The Shops at Columbus Circle and..."  
  
Sana is running off about her shopping spree with Nayeon and I'm still incredibly dizzy from Nayoung's haphazard driving from Lower West Side to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. One would believe that Nayoung is such a calm and collected girl at first glance but in the heat of traffic, her driving offsets that kind of composure. Chaeyoung is actually in the bathroom meditating on whether she should throw up or not.   
  
There was a pause once Sana stopped speaking. She's staring at me, most likely expecting a response.  
  
"Nonetheless, you look very pretty tonight!" my eyes darted from her floor-length, chiffon evening dress to her chignon bun with floral accents.  
  
"That didn't answer my question, but thanks!" she teasingly smiled.  
  
"Wait", I blinked, "What was your question?"  
  
"Jesus", Sana sighed, cradling her horn in her arms, "And I thought _I_ was the airheaded one. I was asking you how you're feeling."  
  
"Yeah!" I exclaimed without thinking, "I-I mean I'm fine! Berlioz's  _Symphonie Fantastique_ and Elgar's  _Cello Concerto,_ right? No problem! I'm just going to focus on enjoying my playing tonight and not worry about losing my hearing!"  
  
"That's great..." Sana faltered, thrown off by my enthusiasm.  
  
"Who knows?" I chuckled, hugging my bassoon, "Tonight might be the last time I'll get to hear _Mikasa_ like this."  
   
Sana attempted to suppress a laugh, "Mina, did you just—"  
  
I was drowning in my emotions until I saw Sana's amused expression, "Shit! I mean my bassoon!"  
  
" _Suuurrreee_ ", she drawled out.   
  
"I now need Advil because of you", I snarked but luckily, Sana took it as a joke, her head still thrown back in laughter. I deposited my bassoon in its stand, ordered Mingyu to watch over it, and darted to the nearest water fountain backstage.  
  
_*RING*  
  
No, Mina. You're fine. You're going to be okay. Be strong. Please, just be strong._  
  
Ignoring the sensation, I popped single capsule in my mouth and washed it down my throat with the same cup I used for my reed water. I know it sounds repungnant, but I haven't doused any of my reeds yet, at least not after I cleansed this cup following my practice session with Chaeyoung.   
  
_Okay, let's do this._  
  
I refilled the cup with lukewarm water from the bathroom sink, popped one double reed in for a few minutes, then power walked back to my seat onstage. Jun is as calm as a cat, Vernon is talking to Jung Eunwoo on his phone, Joshua seems frightened as fuck, and Mingyu looks concerned as I inserted my hearing protection into my ears. I was just about to warm up on my bassoon when Mingyu tapped my shoulder and proceeded to talk. I couldn't decipher a single word over the myriad of instruments tuning and audience members chattering.  
  
"I'm sorry?" I asked as I removed the earplug in my left ear.  
  
"I asked _flubdfskbskjbf_...." his voice was drowned out by the trombones sitting behind us.  
  
"Can you repeat that, but louder?" I requested.  
  
Mingyu took in a deep breath before repeating his question, "Are you _sajdskadhaskjh_..."  
  
_What the fuck?_  
  
Nayeon poked me, leaned in, cupped her hands around my left ear, and spoke, "Mingyu is asking if you're okay."  
  
"I'm fine", I insisted, replugging my hearing protection and preparing my embouchure.  
  
_[Symphonie Fantastique](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK6iAxe0oEc) _ is a beautiful program symphony, narrating the Berlioz's tragedy of longing over an something unattainable, particularly an attractive woman, as well as how it leads to his spiraling dejection. The _idée fixe_ (“fixed idea”) is a very central concept; a persisting theme of rising yearning and tumbling melancholy – am illustration of riveting obsession and the embodiment of passion.  
  
The first movement ( _Rêveries—Passions_ ) is about a dream — an Artist's dream to be exact. At first, the whimsical strings and the dreamy flutes carry a lofty melody. Then the commotion from the rest of the orchestra portray the performing artist's frustrations and desperation, and daunting eruptions intersperse with occasions of reverie. There are parallels with _La La Land_ in this movement, such as how the "dream" distracts us from a reality that it is not entirely attainable. Dreams can sugarcoat the truth, but people prefer to obsess over the things they want but can't have.  
  
Speaking of obsession...    
    
The second movement ( _Un bal_ ) is a dizzying waltz. Two harpists give off the impression of Berlioz's desired lover at a festive event, though she doesn't reconcile. Berlioz is hurt from infatuation and confusion sends him into the third movement ( _Scène aux champs_ ).  
  
The music is a pulsaton away from the envious furor that emerged when the Artist noticed his treasured one recognized by someone else.  
  
I think back to my moments with The Six, about how Jennie admitted that she was jealous of my accomplishments. And then I thought about Reina believing that everyone loved me, believing that I had everything handed over to me, and believing that Chaeyoung's situation should've not affected me psychologically. They have no idea how unloved I've felt for more than half of my life. The acclaim from the public and music critics mattered nothing to me for as long as I wasn't happy and was treated like a pawn to my lineage.  
  
Could you imagine having a genuine and palpable love for something at first, only to be taken advantage of by your own parents and relatives for financial and reputational gain? Could you imagine thinking that your relatives were nice for one second, only to forsake you when you're finally feeling comfortable with yourself? I feel like that’s one of the worst positions to be put in not just as a musician, but as a person.   
  
_And soon I'm going to become—_  
  
_Mina, what the fuck? Focus!_  
  
The grand moment of _Symphonie Fantastique_ is approaching and I need to get my shit together. The [fourth movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elWQLxoXav4) ( _Marche au supplice_ ) contains one of the most monumental bassoon excerpts known to our kind — the bassoon _tutti_ , which is always demanded in auditons because of its difficulty. The _staccato_ notes must be clear and separated, creating an articulation that matches that of the strings _pizzicatos_. One must meticulously judge how much of a puff of air to give each note and be able to tongue promptly, and there are _a lot_ of notes.  
  
This march belongs to the bass clef instruments.  
  
_Marche au supplice_ reveals the blackhearted imagination of Berlioz. The sinister bassoons implicate the narcotics slipping the Artist into a deep sleep, all before bringing out his nightmares. Then the low brass echoes the sounds of real life military bands accompanying the convicted Artist to his execution for murdering the woman in his dream, Jeongyeon and Rocky's combined timpani roll act as the buildup of this suspenseful movement, and Chaeyoung's thunderous cymbals brings about the guillotine that will curtail the Artist's head. Horns and trumpets sound out the victory screech for the execution of the Artist and the drum roll imitates the truncated head bouncing down the steps.  
  
And for a brief minute between the fourth and the fifth movements, I feel as though I lost my head. White noise pervades my ears after the cymbal crash and the final trombone note, leaving me nauseated in my seat. My reed slides off my lips and my heart is tossing itself against my ribs.   
  
"One more movement. You're doing great", Nayeon says, massaging my shoulder with an assuring hand while switching clarinets with the other.   
  
I took in a deep breath and repositioned my hands on the joints, waiting for my cue in the fifth movement ( _Songe d'une nuit du sabbat_ ). A bright E-Flat Clarinet (which was assigned to Nayeon instead of the second clarinetist, much to Nayeon's expense) takes off with an eerie yet colorful solo, leading the bassoons to ooze four-note groupings with _diminuendos_. Proper breath control and tonguing speed are crucial here.  
  
The fifth movement extends the death story with the Artist surrounded by ghoulish creatures for his funeral, snickering and chortling at the Artist. This passage haunts me because it brings me back to a few months ago, when the Juilliard Orchestra members were humiliating deaf Chaeyoung as she first became a member of the ensemble. It uneases me for what's to come in my future.  
  
The bassoon-off does not end in the fourth movement, but rather they linger in _tutti_ with the tubas when they play the [_Dies Irae_ Gregorian Chant](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQWhP3Zzip8) — a traditional funeral melody repeated like a mantra. The tubas are deep and haunting, the bassoons are buzzing and gloomy. It sort of gives off the effect that we're grieving. Low and loud reverberations from the bass section invoke suffering, hence the Sabbath dance mentioned in the movement's title. My fingers are numb, my lips hurt, and my ears are disturbed.

* * *

**The Fifty-Eighth Measure**

"Wake up, hime-sama!"  
  
I was taking a power nap in the dressing room during the thirty-minute intermission when Dahyun waved her hand in front of my face. She has been guarding my bassoon while Tzuyu was changing into her concerto dress in the room adjacent to us. I rubbed my knuckles into my eyes groggilly, stretched my arms, and tried to drink in the feedback of my senses. I recall the fleeting nightmare of my death bed thanks to the fourth and fifth movements of _Symphonie Fantastique_ , and then a massive headache followed. I'm in so much pain.  
  
"Here's your girlfriend", Dahyun quirked as she pointed to my bassoon reposing on top of a wide table.  
  
I couldn't muster up the strength to reply back to her, so I just nodded.  
  
Unfortunately, the double bassist caught my lack of energy, "Oh honey. How can I help you?"  
  
"Can't I just sleep for five more minutes?" I grumbled.  
  
"But I have somebody that wants to see you!" Dahyun whined, sliding her bow across a cake of rosin.  
  
"Who—"  
  
"OH MY—" Jeongyeon shouted, panting with hands slapped on her knees after barging into the dressing room. Brown, sweaty curls clung to her forehead and her face was pale. Dahyun finished with a jerk to steady Jeongyeon's balance, dropping her bow and rosin in the process.  
  
"What the hell happened?" I questioned.  
  
When Jeongyeon caught her breath, she flashed a 'thumbs-up' sign, "I've managed to sneak in Bona past Juilliard's security and wounded her up here."  
  
I widened my eyes, "You what?"  
  
"There you guys are! I was looking all over for— OH MY GOD! YOU'RE SO SEXY!" Bona exclaimed from the doorway, trotting over to the three of us in her baby pink two-piece platform dress sandals. She looks as if she had traveled across the coastline of Italy. Thick black sunglasses obscured her eyes and her thin figure was shrouded in a rose-print, sacklike dress. I don't think she understands how concert attire works, but whatever.  
  
Jeongyeon took the compliment with certainty, "Thank—"  
  
"I'm talking about Mina, dipshit", Bona bantered.  
  
"Is that how you treat your high school friend who smuggled you backstage?" Jeongyeon said begrudgingly.  
  
"You had friends?" Bona fixed her glasses on the bridge of her nose.  
  
"YAH!"   
  
Dahyun reached for her bow and rosin, and then cackled loudly, "My cousin is so savage sometimes."  
  
"Oh my god, but Mina is so beautiful though!" Bona ignored the two and proceeded to glomp me, the ten jangling bracelets on her left wrist grating my back, "Seriously! Your hair, your dress, your makeup, and _oh my god_ , don't even get me started on your bassoon playing! I developed freaking goosebumps from your dark, deep sound and _oh my god_ , I'm so bad at describing music! I'm sorry!"  
  
"I-It's fine", following the aftermath of those bassoon _tuttis_ , I could feel my lungs tearing away at each word, "Th-Thank you so much."    
  
"Man! I wish I had started learning an instrument when I was younger!" she cried, squeezing me even tighter.  
  
I breathlessly smiled, "I-It's never too late!"  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Bona squealed and my chest was crumbling, "You think so?"  
  
"You're suffocating her, stupid", Jeongyeon reprimanded, "Mina, I'm so sorry. Bona is sort of drunk from the wine that's served in the lobby."    
  
"I'm not drunk, you bitch!" Bona coughed, releasing me from her embrace, "Besides, my daughter is here. Mommy can't be a bad influence."  
  
"I want to see Sungyeon!" Dahyun dropped her bow again from over-excitement.  
  
"My daughter is with my new girlfriend, Xuan Yi", Bona points to the women's restroom on the opposite end of the hall, "You know? Your fourth hornist? I met her on _Bridge_ , a.k.a Musician's Tinder. That girl gave Sungyeon a strip of seaweed and now she's throwing up like mad."  
  
Speaking of throwing up, I might need to do the same.  _This is ridiculous. I've never had an issue playing 'Symphonie Fantastique' before._  
  
"Mina! Where are you going?" Bona asked.  
  
"I think her bassoon got her lightheaded", Jeongyeon speculated.  
  
Xuan Yi had just turned the corner of the hallway when I was nearing the women's restroom. I didn't make eye-contact with her, but she said something along the lines of "You played spectacularly tonight!" while smacking my back. It's bizarre because I never talked to Xuan Yi before. My perspective of her was a quiet girl who obeys her section leaders and has an unconventional addiction to seaweed.   
  
Once I made haste for an empty stall, I slumped over the toilet bowl and well, threw up. Vertigo was permeating in my senses and my throat is running dry from not having a decent splash of fresh water in the last hour or so (water fountains don't count).   
  
I immediately flushed the toilet to rid of any vulgar evidence, then I leaned over the marble-topped sink, inhaling deeply. I'm not sure whether I'm having a panic attack or if it's just the symptoms of my acoustic neuroma, but god, I can't breathe. Then a twinge developed at the nape of my neck and my back from having been strapped to my bassoon for too long.  _The concert isn't even over yet; it's just the intermission._  
  
_The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhal—  
  
Nope. Fuck it._  
  
I stared at my reflection at the mirror. My hair and most of my makeup is still intact, but I needed to reapply concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I dug into my makeup pouch for a Lancome undereye concealer until I felt a slight pull on the fabric of my dress.  
  
_*tug*_  
  
A child in a lovely pink dress looked up at me with big eyes and trembling fingers. I smiled in a way that I hoped was affectionate and not ugly, but the little girl just scurried back to the sanctuary of a bathroom stall. _Did I do something wrong?_  
  
"Hey, it's okay", I whispered, "You can talk to me, I promise."  
  
"I-I'm shy..." her voice faltered.  
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"Because... y-you're Anna— no, I mean Mina", she stammered from the other side of the stall, "Th-The _balloon—_ no, wait. I-I-I mean the bassoonist. My mom and I listen to your music on... wh-what is it called?  _Spotty? Spots? Spotting?_ "  
  
"Spotify?"   
  
"Yeah, that!"   
  
"What's your name?"  
  
"Sungyeon", she answered, still hiding behind the stall, "I-It's a weird name, I know. Th-The other kids make fun of me at my school not just be-because of my stut-stutter, but because I don't have 'normal' names like Mary or Patricia or Jennifer or Elizabeth. I'm dif-different from everyone."  
  
_Is she Bona's child?_  
  
"There's nothing wrong with being different", I told her, gripping the fabric of my skirt.  
  
Sungyeon was headstrong, "Everyone thinks there is."  
  
"Who cares about what everyone else thinks?" I insisted, my mind jogging for words that suit the diction appropriate for her age, "They... They don't get to decide the type of person you want to be. You don't have to fit in; you were born to stand out."   
  
_And that's exactly what Bona told me._  
  
"Sungyeon! Where are you!" I heard Bona shout in desperation. Briefly exiting the women's restroom, I snuck a glance at the frantic girl sprinting down the backstage hallway. Xuan Yi followed closely behind, distractedly swinging her French horn in one hand.  
  
I rounded back to Sungyeon's stall to talk to her, "Dear, I think your mom is looking for you."  
  
The door stall slowly cracked open and Sungyeon's head peaked out from the crevice. She looks like a miniature version of Bona — long strands of jet black hair that stooped just below her waist into a french braid, pasty skin, big eyes, and she's also wearing a large rose-print dress.   
  
"You're very very very pretty", Sungyeon said repetitively, seeming a bit starstruck.  
  
I knealed down to reach her height and pointed at her heart, "What matters is on the inside, sweetie."  
  
"You mean like my lungs?"  
  
"Uhh..." I scratched my chin, "Your mom will explain it to you one day."  
  
"Bona, I found her!" Xuan Yi squealed, "She's with Mina!"  
  
And then Bona stumbled inside the bathroom after dashing in heels. She winces for two seconds until Sungyeon's figure comes into view and her face becomes a mixed palette of extreme worry and elation. Sungyeon runs into her arms and Bona hugs her tightly, not knowing what to say.  
  
"Oh, Mina. Thank goodness that you're here to watch over my _girlie_ ", Bona's voice sounds higher than usual, strained through exhaustion of having to scamper backstage while simultaneously avoiding Juilliard's security guards. "Sungyeonnie, what do you say to Mina?"  
  
"Thank you Hanna— I-I mean, Mina!" she squeaked, diverting her eyes away from me, "One day, I'm going to become a mu-musician like you! And, and, and I'm going to take lessons from you, be-because you really are the best musician out there!"  
  
Her words drew a smile on my face.  
  
"Intermission is almost over so we need to get back to our seats", Bona reminded me, "I think you need to be on standby too."  
  
"You're right", I nodded.  
  
"My cousin has your bassoon", she said, "Anyways, thanks for watching my daughter. Oh, and don't forget about Jeongyeon's USB too!"  
  
"Y-Yeah! Okay!" I let out a rush of breath, embarrassed by my awkwardness.  
  
_Why did she remind me about the USB?_

* * *

**The Fifty-Ninth Measure**

That thought diminished fairly quickly.  
  
"I can't believe I have to go to work after", Jeongyeon whined.  
  
Momo's eyes grew large, "This late?"  
  
Jeongyeon's shoulders sagged, "We all know that the musicians and the highbrow concertgoers are going to crash the café after the performance."  
  
"Just tell them that you're occupied", Momo said with a suggestive grin on her face.  
  
"With what?"  
  
"With me!"  
  
"Both of you, shut up and tune!" Concertmaster Kai ordered in a huff.  
  
Talking with Sungyeon sort of released some stress, that by the time I reentered the dressing room and fetched my bassoon, I could remain calm. Tzuyu was still in the private dressing room changing from concert black to her concerto dress. Momo, Jihyo, and Dahyun were plucking out notes from sweet _pizzicatos_ , Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung were initiating wrist exercises on the sidelines, and an abashed Nayeon hid her face after squeaking out a clarinet note from a horrid reed. She had to scurry to the dressing room to retrieve her reed case, as she initially didn't believe that she needed to bring it with her. Sana was well... chatting with Eunha as opposed to warming up on her horn.  
  
Enjoy tonight, right? _**Right?**_  
  
"Mina", Sana called, having Eunha hold her horn, "Give me your face."  
  
"What?"  
  
She didn't spare a single second to explain what she was going to do to my face. Sana reached for her case, popped open a mini bottle of MAC Pro longwear concealer that she kept in one of the empty pockets, and dabbed some concealer under my eyes while gritting the cap between her teeth. I guess I was too occupied with Sungyeon to take heed to the dark circles under my eyes. Sana then recapped the concealer and brushed away stray strands of hair from my face, her eyes big and glossy. I squinted as her mint-scented breath came into contact with my eyes.  
  
"You're okay, right?" she asked.  
  
"Of course", I blinked twice, "Why would you think otherwise?"  
  
Sana stared down on me sharply, "I watched you from the sidelines during _Symphonie Fantastique_. You did not look okay."  
  
"You were watching me the entire time I was performing?" I stared at her incredulously, "Sana, why would you—"  
  
"MINA! Where's your hearing protection?" Sana shrieked, her head poking at my side profile.  
  
"What are you talking about? I'm wearing..." I drilled my pointer fingers into both sides of my ears and felt nothing, "Oh no."   
  
_DId I leave them in the bathroom? The dressing room?_  
  
"Juilliard Orchestra, you may now enter the stage", a staff member instructed.  
  
_Shit._  
  
My body buzzed as ninety musicians and their instruments advanced to the main stage of the symphony hall. The usual excitement that comes with performing is thrown out the window and is replaced with anxiety and dread. Even though Sungyeon and Bona are sitting in the front row with infectuous smiles on their lips, it doesn't alleviate the pain that my left ear is enduring.  
  
Tzuyu stepped out donned in a stunning burgundy dress that accented her tall frame. Her dark, glossy was shaped into an elegant bun accented with rose gold hair pieces resembling that of Aphrodite. Indeed, with cello and bow by her side, the young girl was ready to make her solo debut. The respectful guests stood up from their seats and clapped for the cellist, a couple of classmates cheering from the rear back of the balcony.  
  
"That cello isn't going to be the only big wood in between her legs!" a quirky Dahyun hollered from her seat.  
  
"Shush!" the double bass section leader chided.  
  
Dahyun didn't catch the memo and continued joking with the younger bassist sitting next to her, "I can't wait until she works on my fingerbo—"  
  
When Dahyun learned that the curtain had been lifted one minute ago, she slouched in her stool and glanced down on her own double bass. The audience members exhibited confused faces while Tzuyu shot Dahyun a dirty look from the center stage. When Maestro Gilbert followed, my left ear fully caught the rabid clapping exuding from the audience as well as the tuning note that the oboist gives prior to every performance.   
  
Now I _really_ wished that I had brought my hearing protection.  
  
It's too late to run. Maestro Gilbert is on the podium, eyes looming over each and every section of the ensemble. Tzuyu nodded at him to begin.  
  
Sir Edward Elgar was a renowned British composer and his [_Cello Concerto_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rVW4Z70TfE) in E Minor is greatly admired by contemporary cellists. It is one of his final works before the death of his wife in 1920, after which he hadn’t been producing noteworthy pieces as the pomp of his music died out with the public, who were elegiac after the end of the First World War. There really is no intricate or specific backstory behind the concerto itself; how one decides to perform it is open to interpretation. The intention of Elgar’s concerto was to explore the meaning of life. The melody is very contemplative and melancholic, though occasionally it showcases moments of richness and grandiosity.  
  
I've never actually heard Tzuyu play before, at least in the concept of a soloist. She seems like a calm, reserved girl who didn't favor the limelight, as well as one who was content with keeping her friends in check. Since I don't have my hearing protection, I get to witness her sound in full force.  
  
Immediately after the opening note, Tzuyu comes in softly, sort of like a solemn current of air. She nuances the passionate concerto with delicate care and gratuity. There's no need for any musical ornaments — her music was so soft and sinuous, that it drew wondrous pictures in my head. Bona and Xuan Yi shaping a beautiful childhood for Sungyeon, and then a vision of Jeongyeon, Momo, Nayeon, Chaekyung, Sowon, Yerin, Mark, Junior, Jun, and Jackson finding a career that gives them the space to engage in a hobby that they adore — it imbues the idea that life does have a purpose and that everything you do holds a certain value to it. As musicians, we remind ourselves why we chose this career path in the first place.    
  
_*RING*_  
  
And we persevere.   
  
Tzuyu's music climbs with the orchestra, gradually on feathers of prospect of the good life, prodding note after note for answers to questions that might never pose a bright solution. What is the meaning of life? What do we want the most out of it? What do you want to be remembered by? What does success mean to you? Are you working towards goals that you actually care about? What stands between you and happiness?  
  
These are questions that I have yet to get figured out.  
  
The choices we make, the way we waste time, the mindsets that we hold — these are all factors that will embody the life that you live.  
  
It's kind of uplifting because many years from now on, you're going to look back at your older works and revel in how much you've accomplished. At a restaurant called _The Starry Night_ , my private teacher came across a philosophy professor from Yale University. That professor shared the meaning of life and that the journey is more important than the destination, if there is one. Then my teacher relayed his words and shared them with me before the first semester of juries. Our journey through developing the life that we want will pose ways to seek understanding about ourselves and the world around us. Any development helps us to see an old problem in a new light and it opens up a new possible position.  
  
The string section suggested the main theme again and the solo cello reshaped that singular theme into a _fortissimo_ restatement. Tzuyu's bowing arm swayed in synch with the swells of her pensive music, fingers danced upon the fingerboard like a death dance. The seriousness of Elgar's composition began, the cello shifting from deep notes to high notes in longing for a meaning, just like The Artist in _Symphonie Fantastique_.  
  
_*RING*_  
  
The moment before you die, you wonder if you had lived out a purposeful life. At the funeral, you might have loved ones circling you, or you might not have anyone attend your funeral. You either die in peace at the thought that you've accomplished most (if not everything) that you wanted, or you die miserably, full of regret that you could've done something different or made adjustments to the course of your life.   
  
Tears sprouted in my eyes when I thought about how I could've avoided losing my hearing.

_"But if there's something I learned from my many dreams, it's that being deaf isn't going to be the end of the world."_

I didn't want to realize that I never really had a childhood.

Tzuyu continued playing immense _pizzicato_ chords on the cello until flourishing in a short yet extensive _cadenza_. Whenever the music became louder, it activated a sharp, suffocating stab in my head. It felt like worms crawling into my ear canals and up my brain.  
  
I blacked out. Images of my childhood began to emerge, from the time that I sang in response to my mother's lullabies to the time I was sitting in the piano room playing honky-tonks with Reina. My younger self exhibited something that my prodigy self struggled to display.  
  
A smile.  
  
More images came. There was no stress, no agony, and no fear in my younger self's eyes. She was just another kid who sought to enjoy her youth just like every other kid. She didn't have to get up at the break of dawn to practice, nor did she have to undergo the tortures of tinnitus after orchestra rehearsals. Before her bookshelves were crammed with musical scores and technique books, there were paperback children's books such as  _The Little Prince,_ _Goodnight Moon, Where the Wild Things are, The Very Hungry Caterpillar,_ and several works by _Dr. Seuss_. The first piece that she recited on the home-owned grand piano was not Beethoven's _Piano Sonata No. 28_ , but rather _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_.  
  
So what should be the purpose of her life? Should she be able to have a "normal" childhood just like everybody else? Or should she take advantage of her potential and strive for even greater things, even if it meant the cost of her social and physical well-being?  
  
Aristotle believed that with genius comes madness. Paganini, the most celebrated virtuosi of his time, was accused of being possessed by the devil when he played his violin. My parents wanted me to be a musician before anything else — a friend, a daughter, to the most extreme, a human being (according to those Interlochen kids that called me a robot). During interviews with classical music journalists, my mother would jump in to talk on my behalf. Either that or I would have to rehearse answers to questions that all journalists tend to ask. Whenever the reporter asked me to play a piece for them, I would shoot an anxious glance to my mother and then my father, worrying about not reaching to the degree of their expectations. Other children in the neighborhood were making merry at Teardrop Park and I would be watching them from my practice room.  
  
What's the point of memorizing scales and fingerings, being disciplined in ear training, and sight-reading to sight-singing if I was going to lose these capabilities? All those years of training are about to go to waste because of a tumor. There was no purpose in those years after all. 

People pursue things thinking within those things, they will find meaning. These pursuits may include but are not limited to money, healthy relationships, happiness, being of service to others, or generally serving a purpose in their life. Many dreams uncover emptiness only after years have been wasted in chase of those dreams.  
  
_*squeeze*_  
  
Nayeon pinched my shoulder. It was the very end of Elgar's _Cello Concerto_ , and every other musician had been standing up while I remained seated. I lurched to my feet and dizziness settled over my head as I carried my bassoon. I looked over at Nayeon and I believe that she's trying to talk to me. Her mouth moves but there's no words spewing out from them. I can't even read her lips.  
  
_What is she saying?_  
  
I shook my head and looked back at the audience. They're also standing up and applauding for us as well. The only difference is, I can't hear them.  
  
I scrambled from my seat, gathered my belongings, and hurriedly cracked open my instrument case, disassembling my bassoon rather clumsily before rummaging into the pockets for my medications. Fuck. Where is it? I dashed past an aisle of startled students who had just exited the sidelines, and they were either moaning in exhaustion or crying in fear that I had gone nuts after running off stage for the hundredth time. My dress swayed with the direction of the nonexistent wind, and when I reached the dressing room, a surge of adrenaline rushed through my brain as my eyes met with the hearing protection that I was supposed to be wearing before the performance.   
  
_Jesus Christ. What the fuck is going on?_  
  
I think I'm losing it. I was trying to wake myself up from this appalling nightmare. There was no doubt that my earplugs were sitting on the table, yet I tried to convince myself that I had been dreaming. I looked down at my reed case and blew ten times into one of the reeds. No noise. Nothing.   
  
_Is this real?_  
  
I couldn't keep up with myself; fatigue strolled inside my head and before I knew it, terrible vertigo would occur. Breathing spasms would also take place before everything faded to black. The thought of going back to dark was disastruous, but I couldn't avoid it. The last person I see is Sana, sweat beaded on her forehead as she crashed down on her knees. 


	35. silenzio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [WARNING: The words beyond this notice contain drastic measures and upsetting thoughts. Due to the vulnerability of young people, if you are uncomfortable with such topics, please let me know and we can have a conversation. This story was made to highlight and give awareness to serious topics that are apparent in the real world. In no way do I want to offend or hurt anybody. These events may originate from my life as well. Again, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, hurting others, being abused, etc. please seek out help from a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult]

_silenzio_  
Origin: Italian  
Silence  
  


**The Sixtieth Measure**

Sunday: April 25, 2021 — Wednesday: April 28, 2021  
  
It's official. I lost most of my hearing.  
  
The confirmation of my sensorineural hearing loss came after a couple of hearing tests. Normally, you would raise your hand if you hear a beeping noise within the headset. I didn't register any of those noises in my right ear, and only some of those noises in my left ear, particularly the low frequency sounds. I have profound deafness in my right ear and a moderate yet near-severe loss of hearing in my left ear. There were other complicated tests that I had to go through, but I can't explain them now.   
  
I also underwent my second surgery and recovery had not become much easier compared to the first. I cried during physical therapy because I couldn't complete my post-operation walking and balance exercises. In addition, my days were met with tinnitus and countless headaches. I couldn't plan out my days anymore; I had to figure out how to get through each day without feeling like dying. Whenever Dr. McIntosh and a random interpreter discussed topics like the importance of having an audiologist or coming to terms with deafness, I would fall into a dizzy spell.  
  
During my checkup, I wobbled over to a body scale to check my weight. I lost three pounds as a result of losing my appetite. It has become a struggle to eat as well. My hospital diet consisted of crackers, water, and sometimes mashed potatoes for dinner. That's it. I denied everything else.  
  
On Wednesday, my phone vibrated on top of my chest at around lunchtime. Jisoo had texted me.

**[Kim Jisoo] Hey Minariing~ Wanna go out for lunch before the second round of our NY Phil auditions?**

Oh shit. I totally forgot.  
  
I don't have anything to prepare. No instrument, no sheet music, no hearing. Fuck.

**[Mina Myoui] I'm sorry, Jisoo. I have to practice.**

I hope that she falls for it.

**[Kim Jisoo] Awww... But you're always practicing :(**

**[Kim Jisoo] But I get your point. You really do have a passion for your craft and I respect that :) I mean, look at you! At Interlochen, you didn't return from your cabin until past midnight. Whenever the practice rooms were closed, you would be practicing in the woods. When I invited you to go swimming with me, Jennie, Vernon, and Mingyu, you declined saying that you would prefer to practice instead. You even handed your orange juice to me because you wanted to practice after dinner and you didn't want to mess up your reed xD**

Tears started to well up in my eyes.

**[Kim Jisoo] You know, I really envy your F-major scales and circular breathing. I wish that I could sound as warm and wooden as you.**

Jisoo, please.

**[Kim Jisoo] Your _Vivaldi_ , your slurred notes, and the shape of your reed with high-quality cane and colored thread. **

Seriously, stop.

**[Kim Jisoo] Oh dear. I must be bothering you from practicing. I'll talk to you in a few days then :)**

I put the phone down, hid under my covers, and cried.

* * *

**The Sixty-First Measure**

Thursday: April 29, 2021  
  
One day before I was discharged from the hospital, I lounged in my bed as soon as I finished physical therapy with the short Asian lady in the exercise center (I don't recall her name). A metal tray with warm fish and chips, ketchup, and orange juice sat on my lap as I flipped through channels on the television screen above. I can't hear anymore so I have to rely on reading subtitles.  
  
There are forty channels in all, none of which were of interest to me. Half of them were for news and a good handful were cartoons catered for children residing in this hospital. I ultimately settled on Disney Channel and paid less than half attention to  _High School Musical._  
  
A commercial break came in with an advertisement of some robotic device attached behind the ear of a child. It's called a cochlear implant or a CI for short. Reading the subtitles, the mother claimed that her daughter, who was once deaf, can now utilize her hearing like she never did before — from the pitter-patter of rain, to the barking of a dog, to the sprightly laughter of her classmates, to her own voice. The mom seemed to be crying out of joy, but her child seemed confused for some reason. Maybe it's because she's not used to being surrounded by sound.  
  
The mom believed that such a device was a miracle cure, but then I remembered Dr. Schmidhuber's words.  
  
_"You can also consider hearing aids or cochlear implants, but keep in mind that they're not some miraculous antidote that society makes it out to be. They don't 'fix' deafness, and some people are actually proud to be deaf. They..."_  
  
Dammit. I didn't fully grasp the meaning of his speech. He had a serious face when he explained this to me too.  
  
I'm so desperate to attain such a device. All I want is to hear my music again — that's really all I can ask for. I don't care about my private teacher's deep, alluring voice or the whirring of trains in the New York City subway. I just want to be able to hear the sweet baritone voice of my bassoon.  
  
I eagerly fished out my phone from under the covers and did more research on what cochlear implants do. The results were eye-popping.  
  
The cost for CI surgery (and the device itself) can range from $75,000 to $125,000 depending on where the surgery is carried out. There are also ongoing costs for the implant including batteries, cables, repair costs, and other supplies.  
  
Judging from my bank account, I could never be able to afford that. I wasn't even taught about how health insurance works.  
  
And that's not even the end. A whole list lays out the disadvantages related to both the implantation and use of CIs. There's risks associated with general anesthesia before the procedure and it poses negative impacts like seizures or sleep apnea on people with certain medical conditions. From the surgical implant procedure, there is the danger of inducing meningitis, blood or fluid collection and leakage, inflammation, and injury to the facial nerve. There's no guarantee that the implant will operate correctly and it depletes residual hearing in the implanted ear.  
  
_But honestly, do these cons matter?_  If I can't make music ever again, I'd rather be dead.

* * *

**The Sixty-Second Measure**

Friday: April 30, 2021  
  
The moment that I was discharged from the hospital, I changed out of my mandated gown and into this beige sweater dress that actually belongs to Tzuyu. The cellist dropped it off for me on the third day. It's a little oversized because Tzuyu is taller than me, but at least it's comfortable.  
  
Sana was waiting in the reception area with my instrument case and my music binder. She would be accompanying me to the second round of New York Philharmonic auditions not only as my interpreter, but also as a supporter. There was pressure exerted on the side of my head where my second tumor was removed, so I was dizzy and Sana had to support my walking to the Lincoln Center. On the way there, my ears couldn't track traces of the typical New York City noise pollution. I didn't hear the honking of the taxi drivers nor the flitting of pigeons.

It was essentially a confirmation that I have lost my hearing.

The situation grew worse once I arrived at in the lobby at the David Geffen Hall. Sana had to explain to the receptionist that I can't hear and that she needed to be here to interpret for me. He gave me a skeptical look, as if I had no chance against the other auditionees here.  
  
Then we were ushered into the waiting room in the backstage area and all of the other bassoonists were staring at me, some even snickering at my warm-up regimen. The worst part about losing your hearing is not being able to hear your own playing the same way you did before. I didn't have an ample amount of time to check pitch and go over my audition pieces. Sana tugged on my sleeve to grab my attention before we headed to the waiting room, where even more chatter proceeded to clog my thoughts and render a headache.   
  
A line of bassoonists paused in their fingering exercises to acknowledge me and not in the most positive way. When I was signing with Sana, they knew that I had lost my hearing. They knew that I had become more vulnerable. They knew that I was no longer competition to them.  
  
_*GLOMP*_  
  
I instinctively screamed from the hug attack from behind. It was Jisoo in her comfy, two-thousand dollar tech-twill bomber jacket and recycled khakis from Interlochen Summer Camp (I don't even know why she kept it in the first place). She grabbed my shoulders, swiveled my figure around to face her, and then patted my face with her warm hands. Her mouth is moving but I can't comprehend what she's saying. Sana was right — lip-reading is awfully difficult and stressful for deaf people. I also read in an article that only thirty percent of English language can be understood.  
  
"I can't hear you anymore", I told her, hoping that my words came out the way I wanted them to. It hit me that I can't hear my own voice.  
  
Jisoo's normally brightened face lost its glow. It hurt my heart so bad to see Jisoo look so sad, especially before her own audition. Jisoo disappeared behind the curtain awaiting her audition and Sana had just returned from the dressing room with my bassoon.  
  
" _You left it in the dressing room_ ", she signed after handing it over to me.  
  
I nodded at her as a way of saying thanks.  
  
My audition came right after Jisoo's and my head could've not crumbled apart at a better time. The pain started from the side of my head where my surgery was done before spreading like wildfire. There was soreness in my temples, tightening like a rubber band around my head. I couldn't orient my surroundings without Sana being there to watch my back. We went to the stage together, Sana's hand supporting my back.  
  
Sana voluntarily approached the adjudicators to explain my condition to them while I peeped through the nondiscriminatory curtain to read their bodily expressions. Truth be told, they did not handle the situation well _at all_. I could sense frustration radiating from Sana eyes. She's crying.  
  
_What the hell is going on?_  
  
I didn't even get a chance to showcase my playing. The two of us were immediately directed out of the premises to avoid any further confrontation. From my perspective, they were just eager to not waste anymore time. I feel like crying too, but it's impossible to present your emotions in front of the other auditionees. They would just view you as weak and defenseless. I'd expose myself just like I did in Paris.  
  
I tucked my bassoon away in its case and followed Sana outside. We sat on the rim of the Revson Fountain in Lincoln Center Plaza in complete silence. I mean, my life has become complete silence since the aftermath of my surgery, but I could tell that Sana didn't want to talk either. The fountain continued to spew water upwards, though I couldn't hear their ripples or their waves. That's another confirmation of my loss of hearing.   
  
When I look up to the sky and see birds, they don't chirp. When I look at the cars, they don't honk. When I look at people, they don't talk.  
  
I just can't hear them.  
   
My phone vibrated in my pocket. My lock screen displayed several messages and missed calls from Jisoo. _Why the hell would she try to call me if I can't hear?_ I reached for my phone and typed in my passcode to view Jisoo's long-winded memo.

**[Kim Jisoo] Mina, are you there?**

**[Kim Jisoo] Helllooooo?**

**[Kim Jisoo] Hey! Answer your phone!**

**[Kim Jisoo] Oh shit wait. You can't hear. I'm sorry. I forgot.**

I had to facepalm at that text.

**[Kim Jisoo] Hey, Mina. I'm sorry about what happened in there. I kind of heard what happened onstage as I was exiting stage-right. Those judges are fucking stupid. They should've not denied your chance just because you have a disability. The stuff they told Sana was incredibly disgusting, like how deaf people shouldn't be allowed to be employed in orchestras because they have no perception of sound. How discriminatory. There's been a history of deaf musicians who were able to perform just as well as hearing musicians, like Evelyn Glennie.**

**[Kim Jisoo] I'm sorry about the rant. I'm just as irked as your friend right now.**

**[Kim Jisoo] It makes me so upset that people with disabilities are still being discriminated in the workplace**

**[Kim Jisoo] You know, I actually have something to tell you**

**[Kim Jisoo] Can we meet up someday?**

I didn't bother to read any further.  
  
I shoved my phone in my pocket and ran as fast as I can. I don't know where I'm running, but I'll keep on going. I bet that Sana was trying to chase me, but I didn't bother to look back. It's not like I can hear her pitchy voice anymore or the clapping of her heels against the concrete.

* * *

**The Sixty-Third Measure**

_Why do I keep running away from people who try to comfort me?_  
  
The Riverside Public Library is always a great place to hide. I'm crouching in exact same spot that I was sitting in nine months ago — September 9, 2020. Yes, I remember dates and I also remember experiences, notably the ones that creep up in my mind when I don't want them to. I hid here after Reina questioned me about whether I was upset about Nayeon leaving The Six. My anxiety was at an all-time high, so I ran away from them.  
  
I fucking embarrassed myself in front of The Six.  
  
I'm so pathetic. I get extremely worked up about the dumbest things, often the ones that I know aren't that much of a big deal. But I can't help it. I guess having tiger parents and being placed in the cutthroat classical music industry at a young age had rendered myself super sensitive about my weaknesses. My friends have told me countless times that it's okay for me to cry, that it's okay for me to be vulnerable, that it's okay to be imperfect. But in times like these, it's easy to forget their words when you let emotions cloud your mind.  
  
All I want to do is hear music again.  
  
It isn't that I'm ashamed or embarrassed of not having my hearing, but now knowing that I could enjoy my own music as well as the music of other's, I couldn't help but wish that things were different. I can't imagine doing anything else in my life other than music.  
  
When I was denied to continue my audition as a result of my loss of hearing, it really hit me that disibility discrimination still exists and that we still have a long way to go before we put an end to it. _Why does it have to be me? What did I do to deserve this handicap?_  Oh god, that sounds offensive. I'm sorry. I should keep these thoughts to myself because neither Chaeyoung nor Sana would want to hear those things.   
  
I convinced myself that I was too naïve to understand, or that the logical and moral sides of my brain are out of whack.   
  
_Oh shut up, Mina. There's no excuse for those thoughts. Those are things a hearing person would say._  
  
Chaeyoung doesn't seem to think of her deafness as an impediment anymore. It showed when she analyzed _Silent Sonata_ before The Juilliard Orchestra concert. Oh, right. _Silent Sonata._ And it's not just that, I have music juries and the Juilliard Orchestra's last concert.  
  
I don't understand how Chaeyoung does it — how she manages to remain optimistic and still insist on pursuing music despite her deafness. She's a percussionist too, so she relies on vibrations at various frequencies to come in contact with her bare feet and other parts of her body. You can't do that with a wind instrument because sound production requires more functioning from your internal parts than external parts of your body. No reed is the same either — changing reeds is like adjusting to a different set of vocal chords.  

_"Being deaf isn't going to be the end of the world."_

Oh shut up, Chaeyoung.  
  
I'm tired of not being taunted by the birds and the taxis and the crowds that constantly remind me that I don't have a perception of sound anymore. I'm tired of people staring at me when I use sign language. I'm tired of being this self-conscious.  
  
I hate the New York Philharmonic for rejecting me just because I'm deaf. I hate Reina and the others for making fun of Chaeyoung just because she's deaf. I hate the discrimination directed towards deaf people. I hate this fucking acoustic neuroma. I hate not being able to hear my own music. I hate not being able to participate with my friends in conversations. I hate my parents for not taking care of my earlier.   
  
I hate being deaf myself.  
  
_Maybe I should get a cochlear implant._  
  
I remembered that they were too expensive.  
  
_I just want to make music. Is that too much to ask?_  
  
But orchestras don't want deaf musicians.  
  
_If I can't make music then I'd rather die._  
  
I checked the time on my watch and realized that the library was going to close soon. Then somebody tapped my shoulder and I released my head from the comfort of my knees. It was not just any librarian; it was Chaeyoung's mom, wearing the same plaid, vintage dress and circle specs she wore nine months ago. She laid down the books ontop a table before showcasing her hands.  
  
_"Chaeyoung told me that you're deaf now."_  
  
I nodded.   
  
_"Chaeyoung has something to show you. Can you meet up with her at the Alice Tully Hall on Tuesday? At 6 p.m.?"_  
  
I blinked the tears away from my eyes, _"Why?"_  
  
" _You'll find out"_ , she grinned, " _I think they will really help you."_

* * *

**BONUS (Second Chances?)**  
  
Friday: April 30, 2021  
  
Jisoo finished the second round of her New York Philharmonic audition early, so she responded to Jennie's text about meeting her at Café Fiorello by the Lincoln Center of Performing Arts. Jennie settled herself in the far-right corner of the establishment, waving at her friend behind a steaming cup of espresso macchíato. Much to Jisoo's surprise, Jennie's fashion style had taken a 180° degree turn. Rather than a light cardigan and a Forever 21 sundress, Jennie resembled that of a broke college student — worn-down Nike sneakers, gray H&M sweatpants, a loose green sweatshirt.   
  
Jisoo and Jennie were the only customers at this late hour. One of the waitresses, Jeongyeon, was leaning against the wall while fiddling with her phone and the aux cord. It caught Jisoo's attention when BIGBANG's _[If You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkStCKeLlec) _ penetrated through the speakers of the café.   
  
"May I help you two?" their waitress, Jeongyeon, asked.  
  
Jennie asked for a classic cheeseburger and Jisoo wanted pasta carbonara. After ordering, Jisoo took in her surroundings while biting down on a piece of the café's complementary bread. Soft lighting, baskets of bread, and candle-dripped wine bottles set up the homey, Italian atmosphere that Fiorello claimed to own. The tablecloth was adorned with a traditional red and white-checkered pattern, just like Mina's Vans shoes today.  
  
"How did your audition go?" Jennie finally said after she's sipped a bit of her coffee and replied to a text from Rosé, who's studying in Paris.  
  
"Mina seemed... I don't know", she pondered, "A bit off today?"  
  
"I'm asking about you; not Penguin-cha— I mean Mina!" Jennie laughed, spooning more sugar into her coffee.  
  
"Oh, me?" she sat up straight, embarrassed for spacing out, "Yeah, it was fine. I didn't pass."  
  
Jisoo only slept for four hours and woke up at four o'clock in the morning to practice her audition excerpts. In addition to the regular classes and Manhattan School of Music orchestra rehearsals, she utilized the tiny intervals of time in between two classes to work on the audition and her senior recital pieces (Her private teacher would be checking up on her progress regarding her recital repertoire). Jisoo had never felt more strained in her entire life, and she never thought that she could spend more time with her bassoon rather than her friends.   
  
Jennie licked the coffee off her lips, "Aren't audition rounds being held over the course of one year?"  
  
"The New York Philharmonic needs to find a new bassoonist as soon as possible so they decided to hasten things", Jisoo told her while unlocking her phone, "Oh, the results were just posted. Six people out of twenty will advance to the final round."  
  
"Who are they?" Jennie jumped from her seat in curious interest.  
  
Jisoo squinted her eyes at her dim phone screen, "Karol Wieniaski, Eric Lui, Emmanuel Berger, Nick Matis, Scott Reid, and Aidan McEvoy."  
  
The younger girl scoffed at the roster, "Literally who?"  
  
"Beats me", Jisoo shrugged, "I didn't make it — end of story. I already got accepted into Juilliard's Master's program so I'll just stick with that. And then I'm going to audition for the Juilliard Orchestra and hopefully become a member of Mina's section."  
  
"That's if Mina becomes section leader next year."  
  
Jisoo raised an eyebrow inquisitively, "What do you mean?"  
  
"Umm... never mind", Jennie wanted to escape the topic before her head could burn like a matchstick, "Good for you for having those ambitions. Unfortunately, I don't think that I'll be able to join the Juilliard Orchestra next year."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Jennie licked her lips again and laughed sheepishly when her eyes came into contact with Jeongyeon's. The short-haired girl peered up from her phone and glared at Jennie, almost as if she was expecting some sort of professional explanation to her wrongdoings. Jisoo uncomfortably shifted in her chair. The longer Jeongyeon stared at their table, the more Jennie's stomach churned and the hotter her face became.  
  
There was a beat of silence before Jennie decided to suck it up and tell the truth to her best friend, one who had looked up to her as a dilligent role model since the sixth grade. First she dived into an explanation as to why she resented (and sort of, envied) Mina Myoui, and it doesn't astound Jisoo because everyone wanted to be like or greater than Mina, including her. The atmosphere in the right corner of the restaurant was playful.  
  
And then Jeongyeon arrived with their meal, her face set in an orchestrated smile as she slid Jennie's platter in front of her. The younger girl choked on her macchiato under the gaze of the timpanist-slash-waitress. There was no way that Mina's friends had recovered from the incident.  
  
Jennie swallowed her hamburger bite before recapitulating her point. She talked about her similiarities with Reina and then went straight to the point about how they planned to demoralize Mina: by hurting someone whom Reina witnessed Mina protecting in the Juilliard Orchestra — Chaeyoung. When Jennie dropped the details about the death threats, silence lurked between the two and it was achingly obvious. Listening to Jennie and her friends push Chaeyoung to the point of attempting suicide, even if it wasn't their intention. And that's why Jennie, nor Yuzuna, Karen, or Shuuka, will be allowed to join any ensemble next year. That's also why Reina will never be able to step foot on campus ever again.  
  
"I..." Jisoo was struggling with words to alleviate the silence, "I'll be honest. I'm not proud of what you guys have done."  
  
"You shouldn't be", Jennie said committedly, "I'm not proud of it either. I didn't expect Chaeyoung to go to the extent where she would... you know. I feel really shitty for doing that."  
  
"You should've had it coming", she stressed with a pained look.  
  
"I know."  
  
"You do know that Mina is already struggling as she is", Jisoo asserted, "Not only are her parents in jail and not only have the Interlochen kids spread rumors about her during summer camp, but Mina is also deaf. I tried talking to her in the lobby and she couldn't register a single word that I was saying. Mina can't even hear her own playing the same way she did prior to her diagnosis. Do you know how painful that is for her?"  
  
"What did you tell Mina?"  
  
"I told Mina that I love her mu— Quit changing the subject!" Jisoo reprimanded, "You need to acknowledge what you've done!"  
  
"Yes, yes, I know!" Jennie was distressed at the older girl rebuking her, "You don't have to guilt-trip me!"  
  
"I think that you deserved to be guilt-tripped", Jisoo countered, not sparing a hint of lightheartedness. Jennie couldn't argue with her.  
  
"Jisoo", Jennie slouched, having her arms sprawled out over their table, "What do I do?"  
  
"Forgiveness is not something that can be earned; it's a gift", Jisoo began, "You can't force Mina to forgive you. That's ultimately Mina's decision, and she deserves a lot of time to think about that decision. But what you can do is become the type of person that she would want to forgive."  
  
"How do I do that?"  
  
"For starters, you can join the Pops Orchestra next year", Jeongyeon butt in as she collected Jennie's finished plate, "We're losing a lot of members next year so we could use some more players. Nayeon is also graduating, so you could possibly fill in for her spot."  
  
"Impossible. I'm not allowed to join any ensembles according to Juilliard's Student Council", Jennie fretted.  
  
"The council won't know. But in that meantime you're with the Pops Orchestra, if you can convince us that you've changed your ways and that you'll never hurt anyone ever again, we'll find a way to lift that ban", Jeongyeon reconciled, "And with that ban lifted, maybe you'll also be given a second chance to join the Juilliard Orchestra. It depends on how flexible the board members are."  
  
"Oh, okay", Jennie nodded.  
  
Jeongyeon was unamused at her nonchalance, "However, it's going to take a lot of effort on your part to convince the Pops Orchestra's future leaders that you deserve to have that ban lifted."  
  
"Who are the future leaders?" Jisoo asked.  
  
"Jihyo, Sana, and Mina", Jeongyeon answered. Once Mina's name was brought up, Jennie's heart sank.  
  
"Good luck with that, Jendeukie", Jisoo pushed her chair under the table and slung her bassoon case over her shoulder, "You offered to pay, right?"  
  
"Wait!" Jennie grappled her friend's arm, "Where are you going?"  
  
Jisoo whipped her head around, "I'm going to do what musicians are supposed to do — practice and improve myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Mina's rants were my late friend's actual words when she found out that she became deaf. She cried those words aloud but she couldn't hear her own words
> 
> Kudos to MitangMan on AFF (who is profoundly deaf and wears a cochlear implant) for assisting me in planning out this chapter! He will be my co-author from here on out. Please read the foreward on AFF for more details about him.
> 
> Cochlear Implant (CI) — A Cochlear Implant is a device that can be surgically implanted into a person's cochlea to stimulate it to cause hearing. It consists of a tiny receiver which is placed under the skin in the bony part behind the ear. (Note that CIs are not merely miracle devices that magically cure deafness. A cochlear implant does not cure deafness or hearing impairment). There is also widespread controversy about the implementation of CIs (mainly within children) within the Deaf community, as some believe that CIs are an offense to the Deaf culture in that the hearing majority is threatening the minority and forcing the Deaf to assimilate to hearing culture.
> 
> Hard of Hearing (HoH) — Refers to someone who doesn't hear well and is often used to describe people with any degree of hearing loss, from mild to profound. Many hard of hearing people don't know that they have a hearing loss. Some simply deny it, even though they may know that their hearing is diminished. 
> 
> Hearing-Impaired — We advise that you do NOT use this term to describe Deaf or HoH people. The term is offensive because it implies that Deaf/HoH people are impaired or incapable of doing something, which is not true at all. 


	36. perdendosi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_perdendosi_  
Origin: Italian  
Dying away; decrease in dynamics, perhaps also in tempo

**The Sixty-Fourth Measure**

Monday: May 3, 2021  
  
_Who is shaking me?_  
  
Someone's hand is on my hip and is clutching onto the silken fabric of my nightgown, rocking me back and forth like a pendulum.  
  
_Stop it._  
  
My eyes fluttered at the sunlight motes filtering through my bedroom window. I rolled over to my left to protect my vision when a tall figure obstructed my view, placing her palm at the top of my shoulder now. Her expression seemed pained as she was unsure how to communicate with me now that I'm completely deaf in the right ear and near-deaf in the left ear. I rubbed my eyes and sat up on my bed. _Oh, it's just Nayoung._  
  
Her intonation is supposed to be low and somewhat soft. Her voice didn't seem to match her dynamic aura (or her driving).  
  
Now I couldn't recognize her voice. She's just too soft-spoken.  
  
Nayoung reached for her phone in her coat pocket and displayed her phone screen: eleven o'clock in the morning. I already missed one class and it's one of my most important classes. There's no way that I could have overslept after setting up three wake-up alarms on my phone.   
  
Oh wait. I lost my hearing.  
  
I'm too stupid to even recognize that my ears would not catch the high-pitched  _Rite of Spring_ ringtone.

**[Im Nayoung] Do you want to get dropped off at school?**

I don't want to take the metro because I might become aggravated by the crowds and the train wheels screeching against the rails. At the same time, I also don't want to endure Nayoung's slapdash driving again. Every time I step into her car and she's in a pressured mood, I'm met with my neck snapping backwards as she stomps on the gas pedal after an abrupt stop. Even worse, Manhattan's roads are congested with taxis so driving within the city limits is counterintuitive to begin with. I looked up at Nayoung and shook my head, and thankfully, she just smiled and left.    
  
There are clothes laid out at the foot of my bed again — a black sweater dress and black stockings. _God, Mina. Why did you pick out these clothes? It's like I'm attending someone's funeral._ Could be my own funeral, but I can't speak about death after Chaeyoung attempted suicide. Everyone believed that she was finished when she succumbed to the demons inside her head. But now she's alive and well, which I'm grateful for.  
  
Speaking of Chaeyoung, her mom told me to find her at the Disability Resources Center later. I don't know why Chaeyoung wants to summon me there, but I haven't seen her in a while so I might as well go. She's the only person other than Sana who can use sign language. I'm kind of tired with having to fish out my phone from my instrument case to talk to someone, resorting to texting to compensate for the lack of communication.  
  
Rush hour is over so there's not a huge volume of people at the Chambers Street Station, which is very much what I needed. I anchored on a set of headphones to test if I still have my hearing and to ward off any aggravating noises that displease my left ear. As expected, I couldn't hear anything on the right and only the lower-pitched instruments on the left. I can feel the vibrations from beats and bass, but I can't decipher the composer.  
  
During General Musicology, I situated myself in the back row of the lecture hall. Jennie planted herself two seats away from me for some reason, but I avoided eye-contact with her by placing my bassoon case in the empty seat between us. Yuzuna and Shuuka were chatting away in the front while Eunha and Jihyo sat in the same row as me. Sana wasn't here because she planned on skipping class to focus on her jury repertoire.  
  
Oh right. _Juries._ I still haven't figured out how I'm going to get through mine with minimal hearing.  
  
I'm such an idiot for choosing to sit in the back. I can't catch a single word about Dr. Zarkov's teachings about authentic performance. Actually, I would've not been able to either way, but at least the front row offers a better acoustic and I can sit on the side where she's facing my moderate-deaf (if that's even a real term) left ear. Eunha, who fell asleep, doesn't have notes that I can copy off of and Jihyo's seat is on Eunha's left. I'm sitting here with absolutely no notes and I'm not sure how I'm going to prepare myself once my professor begins squawking at students for answers.  
  
I spoke too soon.  
  
Dr. Zarkov's hawk-like eyes gloss over the lecture hall for a millisecond until they land on me. Her mouth is moving but I can't read her lips. Jihyo noticed my inactivity, which enforced her to tear out a piece of paper from her notebook, scribble something, and slide it across our table:

**The answer is Descent, Treble, Tenor, and Bass.**

I put Jihyo's text into spoken words and I could barely hear my own voice. Dr. Zarkov just shrugged and moved onto her next victim. The older girl is beaming at me with her satiny teeth but I still feel like a sack of shit knowing that I'm burdening her and that I can't adapt to the hearing world.  
  
_Is this how Chaeyoung felt prior to her attempt?_  
  
Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals came along with the announcement of our final concert, also known as the graduation concert. Unlike the traditional two-piece standard that we use at every concert, only one piece is going to be performed since all of the other ensembles (except the Pops Orchestra) need to be featured. This singular piece, however, is not just any ordinary piece that has been conceived by famous and accredited composers. This is a self-composed piece by a Juilliard student, and that person is not even a composition major. It's Nayeon.  
  
Somewhere around February, Nayeon received the golden envelope in the middle of her Music Theory class. Her peers froze in awe as President Polisi's student aide strode through the aisle with the letter in his hands — a letter that is handwritten by the institution's President himself.  
  
Nayeon was bawling in President Polisi's office when he declared her as the ceremonial soloist for her graduation. Just last year, Nayeon didn't even believe that she would be graduating on time. Then Jeongyeon and Momo introduced her to the Pops Orchestra and things changed.  
  
She is not the smartest student in the entire school nor is she the best musician within her major, but Nayeon was chosen as the graduation soloist because the faculty recognized her persistence and dedication to her craft after she had hit rock-bottom with her grades, her relationships, and her drug addiction. In December, she received rave reviews from her adjudicators for her semester jury; in March, she was deemed the very first clarinetist to win at the Prague Spring Music Festival; and just last month, she held the highest score among clarinetists in the Vandoren Emerging Artist Competition. Nayeon told her clarinet instructor that, "the best part about hitting rock bottom is that there is only one way left to go — up."  
  
I wish that was my case right now.  
  
Now the seat on my right is empty because she's standing at the front of the stage by Maestro Gilbert's side, her self-composed solo entitled _Cherry Blossom_ mounted on a symphonic music stand. She's glowing radiantly. I'm very proud of her.  
  
_*Nudge*_  
  
I whipped my head towards Mingyu, "Eh?"  
  
_What is he doing?_  
  
"I don't understand", I told him. His mouth is moving but I can't comprehend a single word. Reading lips doesn't seem to help either.  
  
After catching a clue, Mingyu then leaned to my side and pointed at the first bar of my score. I inspected my surroundings to see bows moving, fingers pressing on opalescent valves, sticks and mallets hammering on varied surfaces, and Maestro Gilbert's baton hand flowing. I'm late and I'm frustrated because I'm _never_ late. I've always known how to stay on tempo with the rest of the ensemble. Keeping time is a musician's necessity.  
  
We've been practicing the same nine bars over and over again until I could keep up with the rest of the orchestra. I could tell that most of the musicians were getting irritated at me because would enter too early or too late. Nayeon kept her calm, but I feel incredibly bad for her because my gut is telling me that she wants to move on. It was discouraging for me to realize that I was being a burden, wasting time and holding everybody back. If it wasn't for my inadequate hearing, we would've gotten more work done and been released from rehearsals earlier.  
  
My heart ached at the sight of an expaserated or annoyed face that drifted past me, grappling furiously at the awareness that I caused so much pain to them, and this caused a tear to leak out from my eye. I forced myselt to blink the tears back when I caught a quick glimpse of these freshmen violinists pointing fingers at me. Eunha stepped in and admonished them, but I still feel like a piece of shit.   
  
I didn't really get much sleep that night.

* * *

**The Sixty-Fifth Measure**

  
Tuesday: May 4, 2021  
  
Today was hot, a rarity in New York City especially off-summer. I could finally wear the clothes that I would've not been able to wear before since the city is known to be perpetually cold. I donned a sky blue sundress, matching ballet flats, and went on my way to school. On my walk to the station, I passed by the Tribeca farmers' market and everyone was sporting jean shorts and smiles — another rarity in the city. The air was perfumed with fresh produce, beads of sweat glistened on the foreheads of shopkeepers, and a busker strummed his guitar. Even though the sounds were muffled and I couldn't grasp words nor the guitar, I felt that the citizens were becoming optimistic about summer.  
  
Summer. It is not just a season where we are freed from classes; Juilliard students often take summer as an opportunity to expand our horizons and try new things in the performing arts realm. For music majors specifically, our goals adhere to (but not limited to) entering music festivals or competitions; joining or volunteering for summer music camps; auditioning for other ensembles; taking on workshops, seminars, internships, masterclasses, etc.; touring with your youth symphony orchestra or chamber ensemble; and even simply just practicing.   
  
As for me, Chaeyoung, and Sana, it's preparing for the BBC Proms in July.  
  
Today after working on my jury pieces, my bassoon instructor wants to begin touching upon _Silent Sonata_. Sana will be there to interpret for me, but Chaeyoung can't attend our practice session because her class schedule does not line up with mine.  
  
I arrived at my lesson early, perhaps _way_ too early. Neither Sana nor Dr. Cseszneky are present and I have a whole quiet space to myself — just what I need after what happened yesterday. I could hear my own bassoon better than during NY Phil auditions and orchestra rehearsals. It's still very, very faint and sometimes inaudible so I had to practice my intonation more intensely than I ever had. I downloaded a tuning app on my iPhone, drilled myself in louder long tones, and relying on muscle memory. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I'm not even sure if I can trust my pitch. Like I said, reeds affect how you sound and no reed is guaranteed to function the same way every time. It's like wearing a new set of vocal chords.  
  
_Shoot._ It's a hot day too. Not only do I have to become increasingly conscious about the humidity and the condition of my reed, but I hate succumbing to hot weather itself. My breathing is wearing thin, I'm starting to pant, and now I'm too tired to practice. Tinnitus overrode my left ear so I had to put my bassoon down and lurch forward, rubbing my temples and groaning silently.  
  
"I'm fine!" I squawked as the door swung open. I looked up and warm hands clasped my cold ones. It's just Sana.  
  
Then she released her hands so that she could communicate with me, " _Breathe, just breathe_."  
  
The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat.  
  
Okay. I'm ready.  
  
Dr. Cseszneky came in ten minutes late, enveloping his bassoon case to his side as he sipped the last of his discount coffee from Indie Food  & Wine. With his toothy grin, he shook hands with Sana and offered her a seat beside him, which she graciously accepted.  
  
The lesson began with my jury pieces — four contrasting pieces and/or études meaning that each piece must represent a different period or style. Sana translated my instructor's comments and questions, albeit in an elementary way (with some fingerspelling) since I'm not extremely adept at sign language yet, while I responded back in spoken language. There were times where I could pick up some of his words with my left ear since he projected in a clear, deep voice and talked slowly. We continued this cycle for a good half-an-hour before moving onto _Silent Sonata_.  
  
When Dr. Cseszneky fidgeted with his man bun, almost as if something was bothering him, I couldn't help but feel crappy _again_. I'm probably causing him a lot of trouble for dragging my lesson, not being able to play up to my usual standards before my hearing deteriorated.   
  
"Mina, what's wrong?" I could somewhat hear him say in his baritone voice.  
  
I raised my head, wiping my nose and my eyes, "I don't know how this is going to work without my hearing."  
  
"Mina. Music is not just about sound; it—" Dr. Cseszneky leaned forward on the side of my left ear, but he's talking too fast and it's hurting my head.  
  
"Can you repeat the second sentence?" I requested, "Maybe slower and louder?"  
  
With a patient smile, he leaned in again and repeated his words according to my instructions, "Music is an experience that plays to all senses."  
  
I have no idea what that means.  
  
Our time limit for this lesson had been surpassed yet we didn't have enough time to go over _Silent Sonata_. While eating dinner with Sana at Indie Food  & Wine, I couldn't concentrate on my sausage sandwich nor my cup of coffee. Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals are in less than an hour and my mind fleeted to the happenings of yesterday, wherein my lack of hearing perception caused the ensemble to stay overtime. I had to mentally prepare myself for the disappointment that I'm about to encounter within the next fifty minutes or so.  
  
*tap*  
  
"Eh?"  
  
" _What's wrong?_ " Sana set her fork down and signed, " _You're not eating._ "  
  
I exhaled, shifting around in my seat for comfort, "I'm going to cause a mess for our orchestra again."  
  
"Huh?" the hornist squeaked out loud, startling the other patrons at the eatery, " _Don't think like that. Everybody knows that you lost your hearing and that you're still struggling to adjust—_ "  
  
"Then why were those violinists pointing fingers at me and laughing?" I wailed out and knocked down my chair as I stood up precipitiously, but then I chickened out after seeing Sana's dismayed face, "Oh my god. I'm... I'm so sorry! I'm not mad at you! I'm... I'm just..."  
  
She placed a finger on my lips before signing back, " _It's okay. At least you're not going to rehearsals today._ "  
  
I fumbled and knocked my chair over a second time, "What?"  
  
" _Chaeyoung didn't tell you?_ "

_"Chaeyoung has something to show you. Can you meet up with her at the Alice Tully Hall on Tuesday? At 6 p.m.?"_

Oh, that.

* * *

**The Sixty-Sixth Measure**

_Why am I here?_  
  
There are about a couple hundred or so people sitting in a half-moon in the Alice Tully Hall, all of whom are affiliated with Juilliard. Some of them are Juilliard students, some of them are from the pre-college division, a good number of them were from the adult extension program/evening division, and there were three members from the faculty, one of whom I recognized as Dr. Dupré, Chaeyoung and Bambam's percussion instructor. Dr. Dupré is not deaf or hard of hearing but I believe that he has a child who is, and thus he learned sign language.  
  
" _Where's Sana?_ " I asked Chaeyoung.  
  
" _Orchestra practice_ ", Chaeyoung signed back, " _She's a section leader so she can't leave_."  
  
" _I'm a section leader too?_ "  
  
_"You have an excuse. She doesn't."_  
  
I cocked my head at her, _"What about you?"_  
  
" _I'm pretending to be sick_ ", she snickered but I'm not quite amused. I still don't know why she skipped orchestra practice to bring me here.  
  
Nobody else said a single word, or as far as I'm concerned judging by the lack of movement from people's lips. Every minute or so, one person would get up and saunter over to the table that offered a colorful array of candies, cookies, and fruit punch. This situation reminded me of one of those group therapy sessions that Ms. Chan would arrange between me and nine other depressed or anxious Juilliard students. I was usually the only music major in that circle while the rest would be drama or dance majors. I used to not understand why there were no other music major during group therapy sessions, which caused me to fret about being the only "crazy" person in my faction, or that's how Yuzuna would word it.  
  
Maybe nobody needed to get help. Maybe nobody wanted to admit to needing help. All of my life, my parents and my mentors catechized me into believing that I was inferior to everyone; that I would never become a great musician for as long as I wasted one minute doing something else like watching Ghibli movies with Sana or playing dodgeball (and miserably losing) with the other "normal" kids in my elementary school. My elders believed that holding a mindset wherein I'm an interminable failure would help me to grow into a stronger competitor.  
  
If I asked anyone other than my instructors or my parents for help, I would be a loser. If I perpetually ask for help from my instructors or my parents instead of instantly picking up a skill, I would _still_ be deemed as a loser. There was never a way for me to win.  
  
God. This situation is just reminding of how weak and introverted of a person I am.  
  
In the midst of all silence, a young woman with wavy brown hair and porcelain skin entered the room. She released a glorious smile that could revive the dying, focusing intently on my face rather than everyone else's. She stood at the front of the room, close to my left ear. _Do I know her?_  
  
I tapped Chaeyoung's shoulder to divert her attention towards my hands, " _Do I know her?_ "   
  
" _She's Sana's mother_ ", she shot a perplexed look at me, " _You didn't know that?_ "  
  
_Sana's mom?_ She looks so young. One would've mistaken her as Sana's older sister or cousin.  
  
Truthfully, I've only seen Sana's mother once or twice during my childhood. She'd always set up a plate of hot, molten cookies and have the projector readied for movies before I arrived at the Minatozaki's residence, so I never actually communicated with her. All I know is that her mom is a music director who conducts both symphonic band and vocal ensemble at some performing arts high school in San Francisco.  
  
We made our introductions: Name, Age, Major, and our reason for attending Juilliard. Not everybody shared, so it was a quick process. Chaeyoung's opening was very detailed and long-winded while mine was short and sweet: My name is Mina, I'm twenty-one years old, I'm majoring in bassoon performance, and I chose Juilliard because it's a good school. Everyone in the circle took it as an acceptable response while Sana's mother preserved her affable smile.  
  
Going through the introductions, it hit me that the people attending this meeting are profoundly deaf (like Chaeyoung), have a certain degree of hearing loss (like me), or have a relative who is deaf/hard of hearing. Wheein, a piano major in my musicology class and the daughter of my ASL instructor, is also one of the participants. The pianist expressed that her hearing has been deteriorating over the past sixteen years and it made her question whether continuing in Juilliard is worth it. Being in that same position, I had to emphasize with her.  
  
Then the circle made its way to Sana's mom, who turned out to be the guest speaker that was invited by Juilliard. The host of this particular event stepped off and allowed her to take the stage. There were subtitles displayed on a screen behind her, but she communicated using both sign language and her spoken voice, and my left ear could grasp some traces of her voice. Eventually, I parted my attention towards the subtitles because I couldn't decipher her words nor keep up with her accelerated sign language and the speed of her hand movements.  
  
I didn't quite grasp the name of Sana's mom and it wasn't displayed in the projection behind her, so I just referred to her as, well, _Sana's mom_.  
  
_**[ A/N: I apologize for the disruption. I want to inform you guys that ****bolded black text** **in between quotations implies the subtitles that Mina is reading.]**_  
  
" **So I was not born deaf** ", she began, " **I could hear sounds just like the majority of people. I could listen to music and rely on my ears for perceiving sound. And because I was so fascinated with music and how it could bring together a community, I became a member of several choirs around this city. And then I enrolled in LaGuardia and met my late husband there. We made corny music jokes and rambled about classical composers more than hip hop, and then we were both assigned solos for a citywide competition. Forrest's _You Are The Music_ , I believe. Him with his horn, me with my voice. When I heard our sounds intermingle, we grew to become even more than just friends."**  
  
She's talking about Sana's dad, their inseparable relationship and passion for music, and it made me wish that my parents shared that mindset.  
  
Then for four minutes, Sana's mom delved into silly summer music camp accounts, all of which revolved around Sana's dad. She included the time he got chased by a deer, passed out during one rehearsal after smoking pot, and was locked in the storage room with her after assisting the staff with transporting percussion equipment. Just like Sana, her mom had so many (embarrassing) stories to tell that I began to zone out.  
  
Her facial expression changed abruptly after the "storage room story". Her teary eye pulled me in so singularly that I sat up in my chair and fixated my eyes on the subtitles again.  
  
" **And then on the final night of that camp, I heard ringing noises in my ear** ", she started with a morose expression, " **We were about to give a performance culminating what we learned within the past four weeks. I was so excited to share the evolution of my voice to the audience, but when I opened my mouth, I couldn't hear my own voice. And I looked around at my peers in the choir and I couldn't hear their voices as well, despite their mouths moving. As the audience stood up and clapped, my head was spinning. I ran offstage into the arms of my husband and he tried to console me. The saddest part of that day was not hearing his voice; my husband's voice. Before I knew it, I couldn't see anything. I blacked out."**

_"Sana, I can't hear you!"_

This narrative sounded all too familiar. Flashbacks of seven months ago infiltrated my thoughts and when everything became clear, I shivered. This was one of the first concerts the Juilliard Orchestra gave out and I was coerced into performing Jolivet's Concerto before an expectant audience. During my performance, I found out that there was something wrong with me. My hearing cancelled out, my head was spinning, my facial muscles were in unbearable pain, and I also blacked out. It was an introduction of what led me to what I am today: hard of hearing.  
  
A single tear traveled down my cheek; I remember, but now I want to forget.   
  
" **At the beginning of the second semester in my sophomore year, it was confirmed that I had not one, but two tumors in my brain. I had an acoustic neuroma.** "  
  
_Well shit._  
  
" **And those tumors were in its worst possible stage, so I had to get them removed as soon as possible before something even worse happens, like death. But the removal of those tumors didn't come without its complications. By the summer before my junior year, I was legally deaf.** "  
  
I'm speechless. I mean, I've been speechless since I entered the meeting, but I had no idea that Sana's mom was deaf, let alone from an acoustic neuroma just like me. It explained why Sana never spoke with her mom; it's because she can't hear Sana's voice. They used signed language.  
  
That also explains why Sana is so knowledgable in sign language. I wonder why she didn't tell me this earlier.  
  
" **I thought that I my loss of hearing incurred my lost my identity** ", her mom continued, trying not to break into tears, " **And I believed that way because my reality had changed. I had suddenly became the 'new kid' that couldn't keep up as well as others. The people whom I believed to be my friends turned their backs against me because they didn't want to put forth the effort to communicate with me. My choir director, who I thought as a role model, threatened to kick me out of the program because I couldn't keep up with my 'hearing' classmates. I couldn't keep time and tell whether I was harmonizing with them because I did not have my hearing anymore. I really thought about giving up; I really did."**  
  
I don't understand how she's able to sustain that smile without her voice cracking or her hands freezing.  
  
" **I love music. I don't know how I can live without it. But you need in order to be a music major, so what was the point of continuing if I didn't have my hearing? What was the point of living I can't do what I wanted to do all my life? It's been very clear from my childhood, from the moment I watched _Miss Saigon_ and  _A Chorus Line_ on Broadway, _My Fair Lady_ and  _The Sound of Music_ on television, and watched the Monteverdi Choir that I wanted to sing. I'd rather be dead than live with the thought of not listening to music and not hearing my own voice.**"  
  
I'm also asking myself these questions right now, and it's so unfortunate that I just discovered how to appreciate my music this year instead of earlier in my life.  
  
Sana's mom was pacing around the stage, looking for volunteers to share their answers, " **When you hear the word 'deaf', what is the first thought that pops into your head?"**  
  
Dr. Dupré, the percussion instructor, raised his hand and signed, " _Disabled._ "  
  
" _And how does the majority view the disabled?_ " she signed back.  
  
I was shocked when Chaeyoung offered something, " _They think that we're weak; that we're not capable of doing things that hearing people can do._ "  
  
Sana's mom rendered Dr. Dupré and Chaeyoung's signs into spoken language for those who aren't fluent in sign language, and people responded with nods or the snapping of their fingers as a way to agree or sympathize with her statement.  
  
" **My husband, who always remained by my side and never severed ties with me, encouraged me to do something different. It never involved any kind of electronical device that enhances hearing. He learned American Sign Language with me so that we can communicate with each other. Devices like cochlear implants were not prevalent back in our day."**  
  
_Oh?_  
  
Her radiant smile returned, " **He signed me up to sing at LaGuardia's annual talent show, also known as LaGuardia Arts Rising Stars. Of course I was mad at him because I thought that he was a lunatic for making me, a deaf girl, sing in front of two thousand students. But I didn't want to disappoint him so I went with the plan anyways. I had to trust what I knew about singing, which meant relying on muscle memory and sense of vibration. There were no tuning applications at the time, so my husband had to insinuate to me whether I was hitting the right notes or not.** "

_"Mina. Music is not just about sound; it is an experience that plays to all senses."_

_Is this what my instructor meant?_  
  
" **I did not win the talent show** ", she continued with a laugh, I believe, judging by the reverberation on her lips, " **But I did get a standing ovation from my peers and the school staff. My ex-friends and vocal instructor apologized for having shown prejudice against me**."  
  
It's great to hear that the people who judged Sana's mom have admitted to their mistakes. I can't say the same for some people.  
  
Sana's mom puffed out a sigh before returning to her talk, " **It's a very common assumption among able-bodied people that you need your ears in order to enjoy music. That is not true. Over time after that talent show, I found pleasure in consuming the vibrations produced by music, feeling my vocal chords, observing the body movements of musicians when they're playing so passionately, and seeing the joy in people's faces after giving a performance. Music doesn't have to be limited to the hearing majority because music — in my opinion, through the vibrations and the body language of a performer — is authentic, true, and honest emotion that can connect with the hearts of _all_ people, including the deaf and hard of hearing." **  
  
I think my eyes are already brimming with tears. By losing her hearing, she learned to adopt a different perspective on music and create her own identity. She chose to be empowered.  
  
**"I no longer feel that being deaf has taken away something from my life. If anything, becoming deaf has added to my life. If it wasn't for the new prospect I gained about music, I would've not redeemed the accomplishments that I made today. And by accomplishments, I don't mean being a music director for the award-winning San Francisco School of Performing Arts instrumental and vocal music program, which I am."**  
  
The audience laughed at Sana's mom's unforeseen fit of swagger.  
  
She mellowed down, " **By accomplishments, I mean finding self-worth by fortifying my personal dignity every single day, through post-it notes.** "  
  
_Oh my god._ That was the self-affirmation exercise that Chaeyoung was talking about months ago. I can't believe that I forgot about that.  
  
Maybe I should restart.   
  
Question time came. Wheein raised her hand first to ask a question about the song Sana's mom performed at the LaGuardia talent show. It was _[Don't Rain On My Parade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO3Gb5mkwTc)_ from _Funny Girl_ , in which the song is about striving to reach your goals without letting negative people distract you.  
  
Sana's mom is so powerful.  
  
" **I want to thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedules to come here and attend this seminar. I'd also like to thank President Polisi and the Juilliard Disability Resources Center for inviting me to speak at this prestigious institution** ", Sana's mom dismissed, " **I hope that you walk out of this hall with the mindset that you are not a failure, that deaf people can accomplish and enjoy the same activities just as much as hearing people, and that they are worthy of love and respect**."

* * *

**The Sixty-Seventh Measure**

Wednesday: May 5, 2021

I practiced _Silent Sonata_ with Chaeyoung after the seminar but we hadn't kept track of time, and for this reason we exited the Juilliard campus past midnight. The trains down in the metro began to run infrequently and the stations were about to close. Late-night drinkers retired from disparate clubs and bars around the Upper West Side, lethargically dragging their feet to the subway or hailing for taxis. Chaeyoung was anxious about me walking home alone from Chambers Street Station to my condo near River Terrace and Teardrop Park, so she and her parents offered to have me sleep over at their residence on West 34th Street. Chaeyoung is shorter than me and didn't own any sleeping shorts that didn't threaten to expose my butt cheeks. The only piece of nightwear that I would fit me was the penguin _kigurumi_ she wore at my 21st Birthday Party in San Francisco.  
  
And therefore for the night, I'm a penguin.  
  
To be even, Chaeyoung wore her tiger pajamas so that I wouldn't feel embarrassed. The percussionist may be sarcastic and sometimes temperamental but she's really the sensitive, compassionate friend that I needed especially in this time where I'm coping with my loss of hearing. It is probably because Chaeyoung can relate to my struggles as she had gone through the same ordeal before. If Sana, Jeongyeon, or heck, the rest of the Crack Squad were here, they would take pictures of me right now and threaten to post them on their social media accounts.  
  
Chaeyoung had made many changes to her room in the past couple of months. Her framed prints of her drawings and past photographs were now hung next to her bedside rather than in front of her. Instead, that wall was glistening with post-it notes of different neon colors, each featuring a positive affirmation statement that she wrote with a Sharpie pen. My eyes skimmed through the notes and came across some that stood out.

 **I am confident**  
**I am courageous  
I have the power to do whatever I want to do  
I won't let anyone stop me  
Being Deaf will not deter me; it will empower me**

I was about to cry at the last one.  
  
_*Bing*  
  
Oh?_ It's my phone. I could feel the vibration in my _kigurumi_ pocket. 

**[Son Chaeyoung] Can we just text each other right now? My arms are sore from "percussing"**

**[Mina Myoui] Oh, okay**

Chaeyoung deposited her mallet case next to her lamp table, crawled into her bed, and pulled the sheets over half of her body, leaving her hands free for texting. She patted the portion of the mattress where I would be sleeping, as her bed is big enough to squeeze in two people. I turned around and had my chin smushed into the pillow, reflecting on the seminar Sana's mom held five hours ago.

**[Son Chaeyoung] What did you think of that talk?**

**[Mina Myoui] I was moved. I didn't think of viewing my loss of hearing from that kind of perspective. Sana's mom is really something.**

**[Son Chaeyoung] Glad to hear that :) We brought her here to help you out.**

_What?_  
  
I tilted my head at Chaeyoung and she's grinning, almost as if she had won a trophy or unlocked an achievement in her game.

**[Mina Myoui] Who is "we"?**

**[Son Chaeyoung] Sana and I**

_Sana was involved in this too?_

**[Son Chaeyoung] I communicated with President Polisi and the Disability Resources Center. Sana contacted her mom through text.**

**[Mina Myoui] And how long have you guys been planning this?**

**[Son Chaeyoung] Since my birthday party ended. We both stayed after.**

I don't know what to say.

**[Son Chaeyoung] I know this might sound odd, but while I was in the mental institution, I had a dream that I was in Sana's house in San Francisco. I was talking to the ghost of her late dad and he narrated the story of his wife, or otherwise known as Sana's mom. I told Sana about this dream and she confirmed with me that her mom is, in fact, deaf. We brought her to Juilliard so that you can her hear story.**

A gentle laughter escaped from my lips.

**[Son Chaeyoung] I hope that with what happened to her and what happened to me, you'll be able to persevere**

An unanticipated amount of emotion welled up inside of me, making it seem like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Sana's mom is so thoughtful and inspirational. She didn't view her deafness as a weakness but rather, a benefit. I've never thought of viewing my loss of hearing as an asset rather than a shortcoming. Society had always painted a picture where disability equates to incapability, which explains why I was so depressed over the past few days, and which is also why Chaeyoung initially viewed herself as a strain to the Juilliard Orchestra. 

**[Son Chaeyoung] Oh, Mina. Do you have Jeongyeon and Momo's USB with you?**

**[Mina Myoui] Umm... let me check.**

I rolled off Chaeyoung's bed and unzipped the front pocket of my bassoon case. Indeed, the USB was there, unscathed.  
  
I waited for Chaeyoung to look at me before signing, " _Why?_ "

" _You'll see_ ", she signed back.  
  
The shorter girl dived for her laptop resting on the foot of her bed. Snapping it open, Chaeyoung logged into her account and motioned for me to give her the USB. I did as I was told and with an eager smile, she connected it to her laptop and waited until a notification popped up on her desktop. She glided her finger vertically across the fingerpad to click on the pop-up in order to open up the file.  
  
" _There's subtitles so don't worry_ ", Chaeyoung signed slowly to me, then deflected her gaze back to her laptop screen.  
  
I nodded at her to move the cursor up to the "Play" button on the video.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for being bad with updating lately. I'm on vacation to London and Paris so I couldn't find the time (and internet haha) to write. In addition, I'm not writing out any bonuses until after I finish Silent Sonata because I want to focus on completing the story. I hope you all have been well and I'm sorry for keeping you all waiting.
> 
> From here on out, MitangMan (who is deaf and wears hearing aids) will be assisting and counseling me in writing these chapters. There's nobody that can describe hearing loss better than someone who is actually hard of hearing themselves and I want to respect their community in that way. Even though I had a friend who was deaf and interacted with the Deaf/HoH people within my special needs group, it is difficult to write about experiences we don't fully understand. 
> 
> Doesn't the Mina and Chaeyoung sleepover scene remind you of something? Hint: It's a VLIVE


	37. calando

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that bolded text within quotation marks implies subtitles

_calando_  
Origin: Italian  
Falling away, or lowering (i.e. getting slower and quieter; _ritardando_ along with _diminuendo_ )  
  
****

**The Sixty-Eighth Measure**

Wednesday: May 5, 2021

**[Clip 1]**

There's a restless girl with above-average height and honey-colored hair. She is bouncing her toes up and down, fringe-cut bangs springing along with her movements. _Who is she?_ On the right corner of the screen was Juilliard's "Glorya Kaufman Dance Studio" printed in big, white letters. Other dancers were in session as well, wordlessly carrying out their stretching regimen and doing _demi-plies_ in the background.  
  
**"Yo! The camera is on",** Momo informed the girl. Subtitles were implemented on the bottom of the screen.  
  
She shuffled backwards against the hardwood floor to make sure that her entire body is in the frame, " **Ah, yes! Happy twenty-first birthday, Mina!"**  
  
_Happy Birthday?_  
  
**"My name is Cheng Xiao and I'm a second-year dance major at Juilliard"** , she introduced, **"I'm also one of the second violinists in the Pops Orchestra as well as a member of your fanclub. I came up with the idea of making a birthday video as a way to commemorate your legality in the U.S. So, yeah! Horray, you're legal! You can now drink and gamble. Have fun, make good choices, and practice safe sex!**  
  
The last part bewildered me. Chaeyoung swerved in my direction to give out a dorky laugh.  
  
**"Ladies and Gentlemen",**  she introduced and Momo chuckled, **"The Mina fanclub presents to you: Twenty-one reasons why we love Mina Myoui"**  
  
Then a dancer crashed into Momo, causing her to topple over and have the camera hit the floor. Luckily, it is still intact.

**[Clip 2]**

Dahyun took control of the camera.  
  
The location appeared to be a college dorm room with little white bulbs dangling across the walls and the ceiling, but the place also had the impression of a nightclub with its colorful lights, retro decor, and disco balls wavering over the guests. Then the camera deflected up towards a glowing signboard raised above the bar area, scripted in Hangul. I recognized the establishment as The Starry Night, a Korean restaurant and bar on West 33rd Street. We celebrated Nayeon and Junior's birthday here last semester.  
  
Dahyun had the camera focused on two girls: one with blonde hair and her taller friend with jet black hair, " **Hey, Mina! Not sure if you remember us but we're Bona's friends from at the correctional facility."**  
  
The shorter girl, Yeoreum, hogged the camera and nearly knocked over Seola's soju bottle, **"And we've been freed!"**  
  
The older girl shifted her friend to the side, **"Okay, okay! We'll explain how we were released during another time. But most importantly, we want to greet you a very happy birthday or well... early happy birthday. You're twenty-one years-old, right? That's a pretty big deal."**  
  
A calendar behind the two girls displayed the date: March 3, 2021. It told me that this project had been planned ahead of time, but it's quite unfortunate that they didn't have time to show me the video on my _actual_ birthday.  
  
**"Mina. We love you because..."** Seola began as Yeoreum was imitating a drumroll against the table.  
  
**"You're pretty!"** Yeoreum seemingly hollered until the clip ended abruptly. The camera must've run out of battery.  
  
_Okay..._  
  
Chaeyoung was close to spitting out the take-out coffee she was drinking.

**[Clip 3]**

The scene is dimly lit and only silhouettes could be perceived. There were the occasional strobe lights here and there but that was about it.  
  
Apparently, I.O.I is performing in the background, or so the subtitles say. I predicted that Nayoung and Yoojung would be the next ones to be included in this clip but I was wrong. They were a group of friends that I least expected — Jackson, Eunha, Bambam, Youngjae, Yugyeom, and JB. Other than Eunha, who is in most of my classes, I rarely talked to them. Yugyeom and JB are not even Pops Orchestra members; they're members of the Juilliard Orchestra. JB left a bad taste in my mouth because he was Nayeon's ex-boyfriend and possessed her "secret" Snapchat nudes.   
  
**"Jeongyeonnie, I think it's too dark in here to film"** , Yugyeom informed.  
  
The timpanist was fiddling with her phone, **"Is it okay if I turn on the flashlight?"**  
  
**"Try it"** , Bambam advised. Jeongyeon fiddled with the flashlight option on her phone until JB began complaining about the light exposing his acne (And I'm enjoying every minute of his embarrassment).  
  
The timpanist didn't spare to waste time and went on filming the video, " **So Mina's turning twenty-one at the end of March and me, The Crack Squad, and her fanclub are trying to compile at least twenty-one reasons why we love her. You see, Mina never really had a genuine birthday gift before since her parents nor The Six didn't believe in celebrating her birthday, so we're doing this to make sure that she feels special on her day."**  
  
I wiped my watery eyes with my pajama sleeve. Jeongyeon is right. I don't recall receiving birthday gifts in the past.  
  
Eunha's eyes twinkled acknowledgedly, **"Oh! Sowon told me about this project."  
  
"That's very sweet of you guys to do this for her. I hope that the project comes out successful", ** Youngjae raved.  
  
JB suddenly left and disappeared into the crowd of drunk and sappy young adults, and I'm kind of glad that he did. Nobody needed his negativity affecting the hard work The Crack Squad and my fanclub put into making this video.  
  
**"So just one thing we like or appreciate about Mina?"** Jackson asked.  
  
Jeongyeon reiterated her request, **"Whatever. It doesn't have to be long."**  
  
Bambam took a quick sip of his beverage before answering, **"Well for starters, she's hot."**  
  
_Are you fucking kidding me?_  
  
Chaeyoung nearly fell off the bed in laughter. I blushed furiously, trying to shake off this perplexing feeling of mixed appreciation and flattering inside of me. In the video, Eunha rolled her eyes in desperation, wanting to fix it but not knowing how.  
  
**"Bambam... give me a high five!"** Jeongyeon offered and I swore that I was about to go crazy.  
  
Bambam proudly raised his hand and unknowingly, Jeongyeon took the liberty to smack his forehead with her rough hand.  
  
Rubbing his temples, he glared at the timpanist in searing pain,  **"Ouch! What was that for?"  
  
"For being a flirt", ** she said, **"Let's take this _seriously_ now."**  
  
At last, Eunha was the first one to step up and share a genuine response, " **Mina is in half of my classes and she's very good with helping others. I always rely on her for homework help not only because she's very intelligent about the subject of music in general, but also because she's very clear and straightforward in her explanations. Some of my professors tend to lack clarity in their teachings and it leads to complicated and ambiguous information being passed onto students."**  
  
I agree with Eunha. I learned more about how to feel the music from outside forces and experiences as opposed to in class.   
  
**"Mark told me that Mina is a great section leader too, and I have to agree",** Youngjae intervened,  **"She always comes prepared."  
  
She's like this in the Juilliard Orchestra too",** Yugyeom added with an agreeable nod, "She's one of the first to arrive in rehearsals, the first person to warm up, the first person in her section to memorize the music, and then she's so focused on her solos.   
  
Jackson chugged the last of his soju and gave an immediate response,  **"Mina doesn't play games. She enters the rehearsal area, ready to work."**

**[Clip 4]**

Between the Riverside Church and the International House, I immediately recalled the line of pink trees, specks of cherry blossom petals, and the old building that stood in front of the park. The Manhattan School of Music — along with Oberlin, Eastman, Bard, Curtis, and Berklee — was listed as my "safety school" just in case I didn't get accepted to Juilliard. It is also the conservatory that Jisoo attends.  
  
The bright bassoonist was sitting on the steps leading to the entrance of school, munching on a wholesome avocado toast from Friedman's. She gave an amused look at Jeongyeon, the camera woman, when she was asked the question of what she loved about Mina.  
  
Jisoo's eyebrows rose incredulously, **"One thing I love about Mina? Just one thing?"  
  
"We're trying to gather at least twenty-one responses from different people since she's turning twenty-one at the end of March",** Jeongyeon explained.  
  
Jisoo swallowed the last bite of her sandwich and scrunched up her face, deep in thought at Jeongyeon's inquiry, " **At summer music camp (Interlochen), Mina was always doing things by herself. She ate meals alone so that she could finish faster and get straight to practice. She didn't waste any free time and utilized that kind of time to practice even more. I guess that's what I admire about her the most: it's that she sacrifices leisure to get better at what she's doing. She barely talked to anyone; the bassoon does the talking for her. "**  
  
I had no idea that Jisoo admired me that much. It brought about another blush and a fidget with my fingernails.  
  
**"And that's why Mina is the best at what she does"** , Jeongyeon said.  
  
**"Exactly"** , Jisoo simply answered with a smile, **"No one can match her passion for her craft."**  
  
**"Can you tell me one summer camp story about Mina?"** the timpanist asked out of curiosity.  
  
_Oh my god, please don't._  
  
**"A single story?"** the bassoonist was becoming excited **, "My friend, I have** _**many**  _ **summer camp stories about Mina."**  
  
She cackled amusingly as she fished out her phone to scroll through something. Jisoo brought up that she documented all of her summer camp stories about me in her notes application, and it creeped me the fuck out. I tapped the 'forward' button on the laptop until we arrived at the next clip.  
  
" _I wanted to hear about your summer camp stories!_ " Chaeyoung signed heatedly, her face whining with a pout.  
  
I winced, " _You can ask Jeongyeon on your own time_."

**[Clip 5]**

Cheng Xiao was in charge of the camera this time.  
  
She managed to track down the members of my section in the Juilliard Orchestra. She was stalking them with a pink-lipped grin, drifting through the crowd of tourists and ducking around the four distracted boys, who were bewildered at the wealth of lights that Times Square posessed.  
  
The In-N-Out logo hung above the heads of the four boys. Vernon and Joshua changed into their employee uniforms — oversized white Dickies pants, red aprons, collared white shirts, steel-toed shoes, and the archetypal In-N-Out paper hat. Mingyu and Jun just sported casual wear.  
  
Unexpectedly, Jun whipped his head around, **"Hey! What are y—"**  
  
It didn't take very long for Jun to notice that they were being followed. The camera wobbled as Jun began to approach and scold Cheng Xiao, but she quickly and gracefully explained the reasoning behind her light stalking. Mingyu and Joshua blithely agreed to becoming a part of the "21 Reasons Why We Love Mina" project whereas Vernon and Jun remained reticent. I think they were still awkward with me after the Yerin incident.  
  
**"Only one reason?"** Mingyu seemed dismayed, **"I think I could name plenty of reasons why I like Mina."**  
  
The other three silently laughed at him, knowing that he has a crush on me.  
  
In the nick of time, Joshua cut in before Mingyu could rant, " **But for sure, we think that Mina is one of the best principal players in our orchestra as well as the best section leader that I've ever had."**  
  
_Oh?_  
  
**"Mina is an excellent, amazing person. She's much better than my current instructor",** Mingyu laughed.  
  
I chuckled, knowing who Mingyu's instructor is.  
  
Joshua grinned extensively and nodded, **"Mina is always readily available, and is always going out of her way to make time for us. Before finals last semester, she allowed herself to stay after rehearsals to explain a concept to me. Before juries, she wrote a five-paragraph e-mail to clarify what the jurors are looking for in a performance and to ensure that I actually understood the pieces that I was playing."**  
  
**"Clearly, she cares deeply about her section",** Mingyu's eyes scanned his friends, **"Right, guys?"**  
  
He shot a suggestive look at Vernon and Jun, who were just standing there abashed until Joshua elbowed Vernon.  
  
**"Y-Yeah! Mina is great!"** Vernon stuttered.  
  
His words came out so clumsily, but I didn't mind. Joshua and Mingyu's reasons were more than enough to pacify me. A smirk creased on my lips.

**[Clip 6]**

One minute later, after drying my eyes, I pressed the "play" button again. Momo is holding the camera while sitting on the base of the long slide in Teardrop Park. Her jeans and red Spris sneakers are in the center of the frame for a few seconds until she's shoved off the slide by another kid behind her. Momo wasn't in extreme pain but the camera plunged into the sand and the violinist started to panic because the lenses were tainted.  
  
**"Hey, you okay?"** the tall, lean girl helped to support Momo off the ground.  
  
**"I'm fine, thanks",** Momo said, dusting off the sandy remnants from her jeans, **"Where's Yoojung?"**  
  
**"At her second job, I guess",** Nayoung shrugged,  **"She's really working hard to support her family."**  
  
The violinist nodded, **"I feel 'ya. I'm working as an aide at the Admissions Office so that I could help pay off Juilliard tuition."**  
  
It's circumstances like these that make me feel lucky that I have enough music scholarships to supplement my tuition fees.  
  
The two girls roamed around the park, Momo walking backwards and filming a dashing Nayoung, who's wearing one of those stunning cutout white dresses with Edelweiss lace, a sleeveless bodice, and a banded waist that gave way to a rippling circle skirt. A single thought about Nayoung's life outside of work never crossed my mind until now because I've only witnessed her in her work uniform. Seeing how casual she looks and how easygoing she is with Momo contented me because I worry about her well-being and happiness when she's working.  
  
**"And you know, that's why I like Mina",** Nayoung replied, **"She's humane. Unlike her parents and all the other rich folk that I work for, she doesn't exploit my generosity. Ever since her parents left the house, I never felt overworked. Mina is actually starting to carry out tasks on her own now too.  
  
"I heard from Jeongyeon that Chaeyoung is teaching her how to cook too",** Momo's eyes lit up eagerly.  
  
The percussionist rocked around in excitement when she saw that Momo credited her for giving me cooking lessons.  
  
**"Oh, definitely"** , Nayoung agreed without hesitation, **"Chaeyoung visits Mina's residence every now and then to teach her how to cook one dish. So far, Mina has learned how to boil pasta, measure ingredients, the different types of cuts, different ways to cook an egg — all of those basic cooking essentials. She can now make spaghetti, fried rice, shrimp scampi, pan-fried salmon, French omelettes, and also something Chaeyoung calls "Wacky-Soba" or whatever."**  
  
"And do they taste good?" Momo asked.  
  
"I hope they do..." I murmured under my breath.  
  
**"They do!"** Nayoung exclaimed, **"My favorite quality about Mina is that she's very precise. She takes a long time to accomplish each step in the cooking process but the results are spectacular. I think her keen attention to detail comes from her perfectionist self."**  
  
Those words earned another shy simper on my face. Half of me felt that Nayoung was exaggerating my skills but Chaeyoung encouraged me to accept it proudly.  
  
**"I need to bring myself and the whole Crack Squad over to her house one day. And then she can cook for all of us!"** Momo happily proclaimed.  
  
_Actually, you don't need to do that. My cooking repertoire is far from exceptional._  
  
**"Thanks for taking part in Mina's "Birthday Project". I'm that sure she'll be glad to hear this"** , Momo dismissed.  
  
**"No problem"** , an unknowing smile lifted from the corner of Nayoung's lips, **"It's my pleasure."**  
  
It felt so nice to hear what Nayoung thought of me, and I'm even more appeased to hear that she's not overburdened.

**[Clip 7]**

Indie Food & Wine's chill and laid-back atmosphere could hardly be mistaken. Cheng Xiao has the camera and it's been looming on her iced coffee, argula salad, and harvest turkey sandwich for fifteen seconds until her interviewees arrived. One of them was Chaekyung, who was surprisingly sober and not with Kim Sohee. The other girl was Somi, who dyed her hair black and is looking even more mature than ever.   
  
Cheng Xiao waved her hand to bring them over, **"'Ello, you two."**  
  
**"Hi"** , Somi greeted with a polite bow,  **"Nayeon sent me here. You're that girl from the Mina fanclub?"**  
  
**"Yes I am"** , Cheng Xiao nodded as they shook hands,  **"Thank you for coming. And how are you, Chaekyung? You're rooming with my former roommate, Sana Minatozaki."**  
  
**"I'm great"** , Chaekyung replied cordially,  **"Sana is as bubbly and talkative as ever."**  
  
I almost forgot that Sana used to live outside of the Juilliard dorms with Cheng Xiao, all until their apartment got infested with bedbugs. She moved in at the beginning of the fall semester and we were in the beginning stages of reconciliation after having been separated for our high school years. Those were bittersweet times. I still had all of my hearing back then, but I was also still associated with The Six. If someone were to offer me a time machine to blast me back to that time period and have my hearing restored, I wouldn't take it. I'm in a much better state with a new set of friends.  
  
Somi and Chaekyung grabbed their hot food and coffee from the counter and returned to the seats that Cheng Xiao saved for them. She explained the purpose of her request to bring them here and went over the specifics of the "Birthday Project".  
  
**"So who wants to start?** " Cheng Xiao asked.  
  
Chaekyung volunteered, **"I'll do it."**  
  
I'm anticipating what Chaekyung is going to say about me. We lived in the same dorm room for five semesters yet we rarely communicate with each other. Whenever I'm at the residency, she's not there and vice versa. Our reputation among the student body was contrasting as well: Chaekyung has a very likeable character whereas I'd describe myself as the opposite — cold, lonely, busy, in the lower tiers amongst The Six.  
  
I could see that the hornist was worried, **"I don't see Mina that often in the dorms, so I'm afraid that my statement won't sound as meaningful."**  
  
I knew she'd say that.  
  
Nevertheless, she continued, **"But if I had to say one thing that I like about Mina, it's her work ethic. Her work ethic is something that I can't match. She's not always at home because she's practicing. She'll always return late at night, sometimes even past midnight."**  
  
Chaeyoung and I laughed because that happened to us today. We didn't exit campus until 12:42 a.m. and we checked into Chaeyoung's apartment at 1 a.m. I glanced at the time displayed in the bottom-right corner of the computer screen and it's almost 2 a.m.   
  
" _After this clip, can we watch the other half of this video in the morning?_ " I asked Chaeyoung, yawning.  
  
" _Of course._ "  
  
Cheng Xiao switched her attention to the younger girl, "And what about you, Somi?"  
  
Somi took one final sip of her coffee and chucked it into the trash bin before answering, " **Mina? Ah you see, she used to be friends with me, Reina, and the other members of The Six. Well actually, Mina and I are still on good terms but not with the others. Anyways, I have a lot to say about Mina when she used to spend time with us."**  
  
Chaeyoung turned to face me with a curious face, stretching and shifting her weight on the mattress of her bed. I'm guesing that she's inquisitive about my time with The Six since they're (in)famous within the Juilliard student body. I'm also aware that they're the cause of her cyberbullying and she's itching to hear Somi's viewpoint about her's and my time within that kind of toxicity.  
  
**"To be honest, Reina and the others are not good people",** Somi admitted,  **"They do so many things that I disagree with, like per say, ruin the lives other people whom they see as a threat. I don't need to explain what they did to Nayeon and Chaeyoung since you probably already know this."**  
  
_And thank god._ We don't want to be reminded of what happened last month.  
  
Somi rambled on, **"But what I appreciate about Mina is that even if she stayed reserved and didn't actually take the chance to call them out until later on, she never submitted herself to their wrongdoings. She still kept true to herself and her morals. They were unjustly bullying Chaeyoung when she was first admitted into the Juilliard Orchestra, stealing her hearing aids and disposing of them in inappropriate places. This torment went on for a while until Mina told President Polisi about what The Six and their friends did. Mina did the right thing despite knowing what The Six will think of her and despite the connections she and her family are going to lose with them and their families as well. I wish I followed Mina."**  
  
Wow.  
  
The percussionist looked like she was giggling, perhaps in admiration of what Somi had just said. That decision on whether to call out Reina or not was the turning point in my life. It determined whether Sana, Chaeyoung, Nayeon, and the others would become my friends again and gain my trust, and I'm one-hundred percent sure that I made the right decision. I don't regret ratting out Reina anymore.  
  
Chaeyoung seemed to form the words "Thank you" with her lips before encircling her arms around my body, embracing me in a grateful hug.  
  
And then we stayed in that position for the duration of our slumber.

* * *

**The Sixty-Ninth Measure**

**[Clip 8]**

Jung Yerin's face filled up the entire screen.  
  
**"Yah! Get back here!"** SinB ordered.  
  
The camera zoomed out to reveal not only Yerin and SinB, but also Mark and Junior — my entire Pops Orchestra section. Seeing the empty seats behind them and the percussion instruments stowed away, this take must have took place after rehearsals. Mark threatened to yawn but SinB was agile enough to give him a quick wake-up nudge. Then Junior gave off a chortle and volunteered to do the introduction.  
  
Cheng Xiao playfully imitated a movie director's clapperboard with her hands,  ** _"Aaaannnndddd._.. action!"**  
  
**"Happy Birthday, Mina!"** Junior began, **"How does it feel to know that you're legal to drink and go clubbing all night? Now you can drink "un-virgin" soju, fruit and flower wines at the _Asian Invasion_ with most of us. Since you're my section leader, I'll give you a discount."  
  
"I doubt she'll do that. She's too absorbed into her music", ** Mark laughed.  
  
I had to chuckle at Mark's statement because it's true.  
  
**"Anyways, Mina",** Junior continued, **"We have some things to say that we haven't been able to share personally. Know that we mean what we say."**  
  
Mark extended his appreciativeness first, **"Thank you for guiding our section on the right path and getting our asses in shape. Because we took rehearsals seriously, we were able to pass our juries and enjoy our performances to the fullest extent. We didn't have confidence in our abilities at first, but you helped us find it."**  
  
Then Yerin with a warm expression, **"Thank you for realizing my efforts when I was verbally beaten down at that one masterclass in Paris. I didn't think that you would be the one to defend me and believe in me when others wouldn't do the same. You're the best section leader I could ask for**  
  
**"And from me",** SinB was suppressing her inner emotions as always, **"Thank you for taking time off your busy schedule to give me lessons. It helped me rekindle my love for music and offer me an escape from the hectic life of being a dance major. If it wasn't for your inspirational music and advice, I would probably still be depressed."**  
  
A fresh tear ticked my raw eye. I've never thought that my Pops Orchestra section would openly and candidly disclose their feelings about me. No one had ever told me that I was their best section leader either, so hearing their thanks and Yerin's use of that "best section leader" title had my eyes tingling.

**[Clip 9]**

Chaeyoung reached for a tissue from her desk and offered it to me with a warm, understanding smile. In order to prepare for the next clip, I had to sniffle back the tears from SinB's words. I wasn't sure that I was ready to endure another emotion-fest of a video clip.  
  
I nodded at her to continue the video.  
  
The camera was resting on top of a stool in an undisclosed location. A humongous poster board reading "The Mina Myoui Fanclub" was tacked against a white wall where paint seemed to have chipped off over time. The old wooden floor was perforated with boreholes and some planks exposed the dirt surface underneath. It didn't look like a sustainable clubroom, but SinB did tell me that the fanclub always migrates.   
  
Umji tapped on the lens' hood of the camera and it wobbled, **"Is this thing recording?"**  
  
**"It's been recording",** Yuju pointed out.  
  
Umji dropped her box of chocolate chip cookies and quickly gulped down her last bite. Before long, she towed her chair closer to the camera.  
  
**"You better share those cookies with me afterwards",** Sowon demanded.  
  
The voice major-slash-Pops Orchestra violinist chimed in, **"Me too!"**  
  
**"In order for you two to earn my cookies, you gotta be serious and try not to embarrass Mina like y'all did last time",** the younger girl rolled her eyes and adjusted the camera so that all three of their faces would fit within the frame.  
  
**"Hey!"** Sowon yelped, **"What did I do?"  
  
"Really, unnie?" ** Umji cocked her head unconvincingly, then mocked her,  **"Mina marry me! I want your babies!"**  
  
The club president repelled Umji and paced herself in circles around the room, feeling like a ridiculous embarrassment when those memories creeped into her head. _Oh dear lord._ I still remember that day too. It was months ago when I had to perform Jolivet's Concerto with the Juilliard Orchestra. I had not lost my hearing back then but I was experiencing heinous symptoms onstage, and it wasn't solacing.  
  
Sowon stammered, **"I-I was drunk from the wine in the lobby!"**  
  
Staring at Umji's cookies, Yuju was becoming impatient,  **"You guys, let's get on with the video!"**  
  
_Thank you Choi Yuna._  
  
**"So Mina",** Sowon started, **"I think we kinda already explained to you why we made this fanclub in the first place, but let us remind you because you're a very occupied woman and you probably have a lot going on in your head concerning like, your work and your health."  
  
"And SinB said your identity too"** , Yuju chipped in.  
  
_SinB? Oh, that must be the day she had her last lesson with me and I came out to her._  
  
**"Remember when you poured your heart out in _The Black Swan_ during the BBC Proms in 2019?" **Umji asked mirthfully.  
  
**"Oh! And remember when we performed _Appalachian Spring_ at that correctional facility and you had that solo?" ** Yuju reminisced, **"The prisoners and the staff in the audience, especially Bona and her friends, were very moved by your solo."**  
  
They're right. Looking back, I did feel comfortable playing with emotion because I wasn't in a competition setting and I couldn't see my parents in the audience.  
  
**"We just want you to know that you're perfect the way you are and you don't need to adjust yourself to anyone else's preferences"** Sowon voiced,  **"When your music is true and honest, you inspire others and you bring hope. That's why we admire you and made this fanclub."**  
  
" _We love you, Mina_ ", Umji sifted her hands from her pockets and to my amazement, used hand movements. She's using sign language.  
  
And then Yuju did the same and I swore that I was going to break down, " _And we're with you_."  
  
" _We are going to learn ASL from C-A-H-E—_ ", Sowon was signing rather clumsily so Umji had to fingerspell for her.  
  
" _C-H-A-E-Y-O-U-N-G_ ", she completed. The eldest girl ducked her head and scratched her back before speaking.  
  
Abashed by her mistake, Sowon sidetracked to spoken words, **"So yeah, obviously ASL is not an easy language and I still need heaps of practice. But yeah, learning ASL is kind of our way of giving back to you and supporting you. And so the fanclub will be spending an extra thirty minutes after meetings to go over ASL signs with Chaeyoung and maybe even Sana when she's not busy. Your "Crack Squad" friends are going to begin to attend our meetings and these ASL tutoring sessions."  
  
"We and The Crack Squad members noticed that we haven't fully involved you and Chaeyoung into daily conversations and we feel terrible", ** Yuju observed. Chaeyoung nodded in agreement with her words.  
  
**"Even if we can't become fluent before you graduate, we'll still commit to this",** Umji affirmed, steadfast.  
  
I paused the video to take out another tissue from the box, touched in awe at their dedication.

**[Clip 10]**

The camera faced a computer screen that had the Skype window opened.  
  
A video message came through from Germany. It was Sunny, standing in front of the famous Berlin Philharmonie with its iconic tent-like veneer and oddly brazened yellow tint. The Philharmonie may look like an unconventional piece of architecture, but it provided one of the best acoustics of any concert hall in the world, starting from the projecting gradations and balustrades up to the curved "clouds" suspending from the ceiling.  
  
Jihyo was the one filming. She and Sunny were both alumni of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra which is why they still keep in touch.  
  
**"Hi, Mina!"** Sunny greeted, **"Sorry that this video message had to be cut short. I have to get back to rehearsals soon."**  
  
_It's okay, Sunny. I understand. You're a member of the Berlin Philharmonic, after all._  
  
The bass trombonist rendered herself deep in thought before replying back, **"You know, the rumors about you being rude and cold are untrue. When I talked to you in Paris, I was very touched to hear that you wanted to learn more about your friends (Sana and Chaeyoung) and that you were very sensitive to their feelings, like how you didn't want to go too far into Sana's backstory because you cared about her privacy. That shows how much of a good friend you are. You're willing to listen.** **"**  
  
A veteran member of the orchestra walked over to inform Sunny about the timing.  
  
**"Oh, looks like I have to go back soon",**  Sunny said disappointedly, **"To wrap things up, stay true to yourself and don't feel the need to act like others. I hope that we can run into each other in the future. If a bassoon-playing position opens up in the Berlin Phil, I will fo' sho' contact you."**

**[Clip 11]**

The following clip featured another Skype video message, this time arriving from England.  
  
Yuri and Seohyun settled somewhere in the Barbican Centre, the performing arts centre in the City of London. The Barbican Hall, which serves as the London Symphony Orchestra and the BBC Symphony Orchestra's home base, is also stationed within the quarters of this cultural landmark.  
  
**"Hi, Nayeon!"** Yuri was chipper to hear from the younger clarinetist.  
  
_Nayeon has the camera this time?_  
  
She had the camera facing the computer screen, and now it all makes sense. Nayeon would be the one possessing Yuri's contract information since they were once in the same section in the Juilliard Orchestra. So basically, Nayeon and Jihyo are in charge of the Skype videos.  
  
**"One thing we like about Mina? Just one thing?"** Seohyun repeated the same inquiry as Jackson, Jisoo, and Mingyu.  
  
The pianist-slash-composer set down her flatbread sandwich from _Pret a Manger_ and gazed at the silvery London sky, quiet and comtemplative. Rainfall go on and off in this city, and I know this because I've competed in competitions and performed at the BBC Proms before. I still have memories of pressing my bassoon case against my body while scampering to The Underground in Paddington.  
  
**"I'll start off",** Yuri proffered, **"First of all, when I was the principal clarinetist in the Juilliard Orchestra, Mina had just become the principal bassoonist. I sat next to her and observed all of her movements because I was her senior and I thought that she needed some guidance.**  
  
Yuri made a point. When I met her for the first time, I was nervous; unconfident in my skills to be an adequate section leader. I've been a section leader for youth orchestras in the past, but the Juilliard Orchestra is a different ballgame. Many of these section leaders and/or principal players have progressed to become world-renown soloists, join prestigious chamber orchestras, and even tenured members of the finest symphonies.  
  
Adding to that kind of tension, Maestro Gilbert and other celebrated guest conductors trust you to deliver _all the time_. One of the guest conductors was the director of the Munich Philharmonic and he said, "Treat every rehearsal as if it were a live performance." Some would believe that I'm not the type of person to crack under pressure but that's not true, especially now that I'm hard of hearing.  
  
I've admired Yuri for a long time, not just because she's pretty and good at her craft, but also because she kept her calm as a section leader.  
  
**"But it didn't seem like Mina needed any guidance at all",** the clarinetist chucked a small laugh.  
  
_What?_  
  
Yuri later explained, **"Mina is very hard-working and innovative. She doesn't give in and is always looking for alternatives to resolutions. I recall during one of our very first concerts when she ran out of breath during Haydn, she skipped one or two notes during her passages so she could allow time to replenish energy without looking like she made an error. And then when we played _The Firebird_ after, with the big bassoon solo, she nailed it."**  
  
I'm shocked that Yuri could even hold memories for that long. Even I don't remember that day where we performed Haydn and Stravinsky.   
  
**"You're absolutely right, Yuri",** Seohyun concurred,  **"That's why I composed _Silent Sonata_ that way. I have faith that Mina will use her imagination and her artistry to execute this piece. _Silent Sonata_ is not merely about being in tune with your ears; it's about being in tune with your body."**  
  
_Being in tune with my body, huh?_ I never thought of viewing _Silent Sonata_ that way.  
  
Chaeyoung is imitating Sana's "I told you so" expression with her puffed-up lips and that bloated glare suffusing from her brown eyes.

_"Silent Sonata is about finding hope within that silence and converting it into a voice"_

No wonder why the percussionist looked so smug. She deconstructed the message of _my_ piece before I could do so myself.  
  
Softly yet surely, Seohyun made her last decree,  **"Mina deserves, without a doubt, to move on to bigger things because orchestras need a person who is as organized, involved, affectionate, visionary, and most importantly, passionate as she is. Since _The Black Swan,_ I've watched her growth in her music. She's perfect."**  
  
Her friend nodded agreeably, " **That's why I asked her to audition for the London Symphony Orchestra!"**  
  
_That's insane. They believe in me._

Chaeyoung explained to me that the clips with Sunny, Seohyun, and Yuri were not in the original birthday video. Nayeon and Jihyo called them after my birthday, and then Jeongyeon and Momo decided to add their clips to my late birthday video.

**[Clip 12]**

At first, Dahyun was running around with the camera, trying to figure out where in the Mott Haven Playground to perch it. Glimpses of the basketball and handball courts, public restroom, colorful playground equipment, and a cult of pigeons were caught in the scene. Then the camera rotated to meet with Tzuyu's big, dreamy eyes looking down at the shorter girl. The cellist had just returned with a box from the Dunkin' Donuts joint located one block away from the park, and she opened the box to display the assortment of donuts to the camera.  
  
**"Delicious, isn't it?" Tzuyu was hoping for an appetizing answer.**  
  
But she wasn't anticipating Dahyun's quirky response, **"Not as delicious as you."**  
  
  **"Oh, shush!"** Tzuyu blushed madly.  
  
Eventually, Dahyun came up with the conclusion of placing the camera atop a bench facing the double swing set, where the two girlfriends will sit for the remainder of their clip. Tzuyu handed a chocolate-glazed donut to her girlfriend as she waited for the camera to align its focus.  
  
**"Okay, we're ready",** the double bassist said with a 'thumbs-up'. She sprinted to the other empty swing before some other kid could claim it.   
  
**"Hello, Mina!"** Tzuyu greeted first.  
  
**"And _happurr birffdurrrr",_** Dahyun spoke with food in her mouth.  
  
**"Hey! Swallow your food first!"** the disconcerted cellist urged.  
  
Dahyun's antic somehow made me laugh. I also love it when Tzuyu scolds her girlfriend.  
  
**"What she meant to say is happy birthday",** she clarified,  **"Errr... I'll start off while Dahyun is eating. First things first, h-happy birthday Mina!"**  
  
_Is she trembling?_  
  
Among all of the Crack Squad members, I find the cellist to be the most relatable to me, in the sense that we're both straight-forward, kind of quiet, and no-nonsense people when it comes to practice. Tzuyu is the youngest in our squad yet she's so mature and calm. I mean, she was able to complete a concerto by herself, in front of thousands of people. The only difference between the two of us is that I'm more sensitive and prone to crying. Crying is my way of relieving stress. Tzuyu, on the other hand, is not entirely open with her feelings and I rarely see her cry.  
  
Tzuyu sat still, eyes hurtling from the camera to the floor,  **"I've never really said this aloud to you before, b-but I really like you. A lot. I-I mean Dahyun is my girlfriend, first and foremost, but what I mean is that I like you as a person. I've witnessed your character development over the months and I had to tell Jennie that you're so much more than what she and The Six perceive you as. You no longer care about how others perceive you and you've become more open about yourself and your emotions. What I admire about you is your openness to change and I—"**  
  
_Oh my god, she's crying._  
  
I take that back. Maybe I've never seen her cry before, and this is definitely the first time. But Tzuyu keeps willing herself not to cry, shaking her head as Dahyun tries to tell her that it's okay (at least that's what I'm reading from the subtitles). Hot tears are streaming down her face and she's too weepy to even continue. She had always kept her feelings to herself but when she revealed them, those feelings truly show.   
  
_Dammit Tzuyu. Don't make me cry too._  
  
**"What Tzuyu was trying to say is that you've helped her become more open about herself too",** Dahyun finished for her girlfriend,  **"When I heard Tzuyu play that concerto onstage, she seemed like a completely different person — one who wasn't afraid to let her passion overtake the technical demands of Elgar."**  
  
Amazing. No wonder why I felt pensive during Tzuyu's solo. It tells you that music can convey concepts and feelings that words sometimes can't. I guess we're both struggling to find meaning through hardships and trying to figure out the questions that life holds. My hardships exist in my past relationships and my diagnosis, whereas her's lie within her closeted emotions and trying to keep a fortifying façade for herself and her friends.  
  
**"And as from me, my hopes for you is that you'll find light during dark days",** Dahyun closed the clip with her own words of motivation, **"Becoming hard of hearing may look like an impasse, but it doesn't stop you from accomplishing great things. I've seen Chaeyoung do it with total hearing loss, and I believe that you can do the same too."**  
  
The double bassist's reassurance was just what I needed to get through this day or heck, the rest of my life.

**[Clip 13]**

**"Hey gorgeous",** Nayeon's name was indicated within the subtitles.  
  
The first thing that caught my eye was the exterior of the American Museum of Natural History cloaked by a line of verdant trees on Columbus Avenue, but then the camera made a ninety-degree turn to set lens on two flat-top "Shack-cago" dogs, a paper platter of crinkle-cut fries, red velvet shakes and Park Jihyo, who was feasting her eyes on the camerawoman a.k.a Im Nayeon. The two girls were sitting in the rear-end of Shake Shack, avoiding the clumsy tourists and the rowdy high school students pouring in from the entrance.    
  
**"Are you talking about me or Mina?"** Jihyo jokingly questioned.  
  
**"Obviously, Mina",** Nayeon choked out.  
  
In a small fit of jealousy, the violist coughed once into a close fit and Nayeon drew the camera's attention back to her, leaning over to pinch her cheek. To be frank, Jihyo holds so much beauty in her that I can't describe. She has an attractive fact that of an ideal of an art photographer — alluringly dark hair, round eyes, winter coats, and cherry pink lips. But the most beauteous feature of Jihyo is her personality.   
  
**"Of course Mina is gorgeous, though",** Jihyo revealed,  **"That's why forty-five guys asked her out to the Juilliard Ball last year."**  
  
And I still have nightmares about receiving copious amount of confessions.  
  
**"Can you elaborate more on what you like about Mina?"** her girlfriend requested.  
  
**"Easy",** Jihyo said confidently, **"It's her openness to trying new things. She must've felt a little uneasy before joining the Pops Orchestra and before heading to the correctional facility to do our outreach work, but she never backed out. She kept going with an open mind, and that's what I love about her."  
  
"And now she loves us",** Nayeon giggled.  
  
Jihyo nodded truthfully, **"She does."**  
  
I can't deny that. I stated during my actual birthday party that I wouldn't be who I am today without them.  
  
Nayeon gave Jihyo the camera so that she could speak, " **Hi, Mina! And happy birthday! I just want to let you know that I'm proud to be your friend and I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you in any way. I said this before but I'm sorry for holding a grudge against you when I left The Six. That was really insensitive of me and I should've known that you were too scared to think for yourself. You were in a tough situation and I don't deny that."**  
  
The violist leaned forward to pat her shoulder, " **Good job, Nayeon."**  
  
I felt incredibly bad for Nayeon because she's too apologetic. I don't want her to beat herself down like this.  
  
She continued, **"Which brings me to my next point: what I like about you, Mina, is that while you're reserved and a little timid, you're a great listener. Like for example, you were willing to listen to me rant at Central Park without judgement. And then what I've noticed during group meetings, especially section leader meetings, is that you quietly observe the atmosphere and the people around you before you talk."  
  
"Even at the outreach trip, Bona told me that Mina was listening attentively to her friends and it even changed her views about prisoners", ** Jihyo commented further after finishing her meal.  
  
The clarinetist beamed, **"I think that says something about how much of a valuable friend she is."**  
  
_Bona said that?_  
  
Chaeyoung nudged my arm to grab my attention, " _Bona did say that._ "  
  
Nayeon took a small sip of her shake before completed her statement, " **I know it sounds weird for me to admit this during a time where you're losing a majority of your hearing, but I will always believe that you have that quality in you. Truthfully, you're a much better listener than most people who have all of their hearing intact."**  
  
We laughed.  
  
**"I hope that as time goes on, you don't lose touch with who you are",** Nayeon appealed.  
  
**"Mina, you're not automatically a "lesser" person just because you don't have all of your hearing"** Jihyo expressed thoughtfully,  **"** **Just allow your mind and body to open up and become a resonating chamber. Let the music flow in places that you wouldn't think of.**  
  
She's an accomplished violist herself and she always uses her entire body when she's performing, just like she did when we were in Paris.   
  
**"I think that good listening isn't exclusive to the ears",** Nayeon remarked.  
  
**"You're right, especially in music",** Jihyo acknowledged.  
  
**"Anyhow, Mina",** the clarinetist closed off the clip, **"Thank you for sticking with us despite the heartache I might've caused you. I promise to keep in contact with you after I graduate."  
  
"Thank you, Mina. Thanks for "listening" to us", ** Jihyo inferred wittingly.  
  
_No, you guys. Thank you for bringing me to you._

**[Clip 14]**

Jeongyeon, Momo, Bona, and Sungyeon sat around a black latticed table with baked goods from the bread booth behind them, the three older girls laughing blithely as Sungyeon began poking the lens of the camera that Xuan Yi is holding. Next to the bread booth was the monument of Richard Tucker, an American tenor and one of the great voices of the Metropolitan Opera. The square in which they're sitting in is named after him.  
  
I was here months ago after missing my music theory class, eating a club sandwich and skimming over the Juilliard Orchestra's bassoon audition repertoire before judging the applicants for my section. Momo tried to persuade me to join the Pops Orchestra by shoving a flier into my face and I coldly rejected her, saying that I didn't want to "dilly dally and play show tunes and movie soundtracks".   
  
Memories flew in almost as if everything had just happened yesterday and I'm laughing.  
  
**"Hello Mina!",** Jeongyeon saluted. She didn't call me bassoon-chan this time. Funny.  
  
Momo, Bona, and Xuan Yi simultaneously gave their presentation,  **"We have an important message for you."**  
  
**"** **H-Happy Birthday!** **",** Bona's daughter adorably spread her arms out as to give a gigantic air hug, and it made me chuckle.   
  
She's lovely.  
  
**"I believe that we're approaching the end of this video, aren't we?"** Jeongyeon wondered.  
  
**"We should be",** Momo noted, **"So Mina, I hope we're not being redundant with our compliments because we have yet to edit the other clips in this very film. But I think it's still important that you remember this: I'm so proud of how far you've come since we first met in the Pops Orchestra. Initially, I perceived you as this confused puppy who didn't know how to get out of their comfort zone and was too scared to rebel.**  
  
_Really, Momo? A puppy?_  
  
Jeongyeon added to her regards, **"But at the same time, you're starting to open up and I really admire your courage to do so. What you did to The Six during rehearsals when they were being inquired about Chaeyoung's hearing aids, what you did to your parents in Paris, what you did for Sana when she was faced with those stupid hate crime folks — that was really unexpected. Honestly, I don't think I'm as brave as you.'  
  
"I heard about the hate crime incident too!" ** Bona remembered, **"I've been wanting to tell Mina how compassionate she is. I don't know if she's aware of that."**  
  
It never really crossed my mind before.  
  
**"I've only known you for so long but I've seen the way you protected Sana when she got attacked and the way you comforted Sungyeon when she was hiding in the bathroom",** Bona worded devotedly, keeping her eyes glued to the camera, seeming as if we were actually Facetiming each other in the present day, **"Mina, you're very warm — n** **ot just in your music, but also through your actions."**  
  
That's reassuring. I never sought myself as someone who is kind because my image was supposed to be menacing and cold, at least to those whom I should consider my competition. Kindness is an element that I've been missing as I was growing up, so I'm actually touched at Bona's words. I bet that she and Xuan Yi are going to become wonderful mothers for Sungyeon and nurture her with everything that a child needs.  
  
Like a real childhood, for instance.  
  
**"You agree, right Sungyeon?"** Momo turned to the younger girl,  **"Mina is a nice person."**  
  
Jeongyeon wanted to hear the child's feedback, **"What do you think of Mina?"  
  
"M-Mina is a-amazing! She is amazing!"** , Sungyeon flung her arms in the air like a blissful bird. If Bona gives me the chance to mentor her in the future, I'll give her everything that my parents couldn't — happiness. Certainly, I'll ensure that she learns to enjoy music and to play her heart out.  
  
**"Maybe when you're older, Mina can teach you how to play her instrument",** Bona voiced vigorously.  
  
There was a glint of hope in Sungyeon's eyes, **"C-Can she? Please?"**  
  
Jeongyeon chuckled, **"I'll talk to Mina about that. It'd be a great opportunity for her to learn how to deal with children."  
  
"Omg! Omg! Really?"** the little girl squealed in delight.  
  
Bona patted her head and grinned, **"Of course!"**  
  
Sungyeon knocked her chair down and appeared to be squealing, jumping up and down in exultation. God. I love this child.

**[Clip 15]**

When Chaeyoung saw her face in the video, she jolted up from under the covers.  
  
The final clip was filmed in a location that I'm very familiar with — my former dorm room at Juilliard. The J-pop posters that Sana bought are still taped to the cream-colored walls and her clothes are still all over the place, waiting to be folded and tucked into their respective drawers. It turned out that my previous affirmation notes were never discarded; Sana had just relocated them to the wall underneath the top bunk bed.  
  
Sana and Chaeyoung both signed as one,  _"Happy belated birthday, Mina!"_  
  
_Belated? Was this just filmed recently?_  
  
Both girls were sitting on the bottom bunk, where I used to sleep for a short period of time. The camera is probably sitting on top of Chaekyung's desk, still and immaculate. Sana and Chaeyoung were using sign language, but I still peered at the subtitles because I couldn't decipher all of their signs (Sana always signs too fast for some reason. Her excitable, effusive personality often transmits to her actions).   
  
**"Mina"** , Chaeyoung (in the video) began, " **So we had our ups and downs together over time but I hope you know that I'm glad to have met you. There really aren't enough words to define the kind of friend you have been to me. There are also no words for how excited I am for you after you graduate next year. Your love of learning and becoming a better person is what drew me closer to you, and that kind of quality will benefit you later on."**  
  
The percussionist sitting beside me gave a heartfelt smile and wrapped her arms above my waist.  
  
**"You're going to do so well in your career, Mina",** Chaeyoung seemed like she has so much faith instilled in her, " **Just don't give up, no matter what."  
  
"I'd like to add to that, actual—" ** Sana declared, jovially and instantaneously leaping from the bed, as a result colliding her head with the bed frame of the top bunk. The hornist grimaced in pain and Chaeyoung had to rub the crown of her head.   
  
As expected of Sana. She got too caught up in her excitement to concentrate.  
  
She sat down again and rested her head on Chaeyoung's shoulder, **"What I meant to say is that you've been an incredible friend to grow up with, even with the large gap of time that separated us. I love that you lend me your clothes when I don't know what to wear, I love that you danced with me at the Juilliard Ball, I love that you soothed me when I was in a despondent state after returning from Washington D.C., I even love that you rejected me in London after you asked me that awkward question. It just shows that kind, generous, and that you're aware of your needs."**  
  
I smiled when Sana brought up the fact that I let her borrow my clothes and danced with her at The Ball, and I don't know why I giggled when Sana mentioned how proud she was of me for rejecting her. It's rare that someone agrees with rejection.  
  
**"But before anything else, you never give up"** , Sana beamed infectiously, shifting her gaze back to the camera, **"Mina, Mina, Mina. You have no idea how strong you are. You had to deal with toxic friends, peers, competitors, judges, paparazzi and even family members for the longest time. And even when you were told that you had an acoustic neuroma and were going to become hard of hearing, you still kept going. You practice and attend rehearsals and performances, aware of the unpredictability of the side effects that come with your diagnosis. I'm absolutely confident for your future because you are capable and you don't let anything get in your way. Don't forget that."  
  
"Twenty-one years-old. You're doing great. You're still alive, after all"** , Chaeyoung proudly stated.

* * *

**The Seventieth Measure**

_You're still alive._  
  
She said that.  
  
I closed the laptop with a heart so listless that I refused to leave Chaeyoung's bed. There were no tears running down my face just yet; only the flashbacks of me and then Chaeyoung disclosing that we didn't want to live anymore.   
  
And yet here we are, laughing and crying at the video clips. Well more accurately, it was only me crying and not Chaeyoung.  
  
She bumped my shoulder with her own's before signing anything, " _You okay?_ "  
  
I turned my head to the percussionist to watch her sign, then I looked up at her face: a beautiful face fixed with cute dimples and a cheeky grin. No more grim looks and distressing sobs pressing her desire for pain, just a happy human being. Chaeyoung's existence is what I really needed right now.  
  
Chaeyoung hugs so tight that it knocks out all of the air in my lungs, stifling my cries. Her hospitable embrace was also what I needed in this moment — a hug that tells you that she's glad that you're there. It doesn't matter whether she's your close friend or something more, she's a human being communicating her tenderness and fondness, but especially their gratitude for your presence.   
  
There's a lot of concepts that I learned (and even re-learned) from watching my birthday video. It's that you're not alone and you are loved, even by the people whom you'd least expect has a say about you. It's that you should surround yourself with people who know your strengths and advocate for your improvement. It's that you deserve to live and to be happy, and you don't have to let anything hinder you from accomplishing that.  
  
I don't have to let my loss of hearing prevent me from doing what I love. In fact, I can turn it into my strength. Like Nayeon and Jihyo said, listening is not exclusive to the ears and there are ways to "feel" the music without having to use your hearing. I think I know what I'm going to do next.  
  
I'm going to make more affirmation notes and afterwards, I'm going to practice _Silent Sonata_  with Chaeyoung.  
  
The Proms is getting closer.


	38. risoluto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_risoluto_  
Origin: Italian  
Resolutely; in an admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering manner.

**The Seventy-First Measure**

Monday: May 3, 2021  
  
It's jury week but before that, I visisted my audiologist, Dr. Jung. He's the husband of my online ASL instructor, father of Juilliard piano major Jung Wheein, and Chaeyoung's audiologist as well. The percussionist herself is also accompanying me to my appointment because she had nothing else to do after her morning jury. Mine is in the evening today so I have some time to spare.  
  
Once we strode through the lavendar lobby of the NYC Audiologists Associates Building, Dr. Jung immediately recognized Chaeyoung. He pulled up the frames of his glasses before revealing his cordial smile, reaching his arm out to shake mine and Chaeyoung's hands. It turns out that he can use ASL too, albeit at a lower competency to that of his wife's. It helps because I'm still not a hundred percent confident in my skills either.  
  
People would think that with all this intensive ASL studying that I would be up to par with the level of other advanced users but that's not true at all. I still make mistakes and sometimes I become so aggravated that I switch to the texting method instead. Today when Chaeyoung asked me if I had a drink before we left, I mixed up the different signs for the word "drink" (There are two signs for "drink" — one references drinking non-alcoholic beverages and the other (which I accidentally used) specifies drinking liquor. Chaeyoung perceived that I drank alcohol with my pancakes)  
  
We're led into this small space with two chairs, a computer, and other various audiology equipment that I've encountered more than once before and after my surgeries. I sat down in one of the chairs, turned slightly to face a tinted poster with a quote that reads as this: 

_"Where words fail, music speaks."_

\- Hans Christian Andersen

I feel as though someone had told me this quote before, but my memory is running blank.  
  
Dr. Jung reintroduced himself with a wide grin, signing slowly so that I can understand him.  
  
We spent the hour running over some hearing tests and discussing the state of my hearing — profound deafness in my right ear and moderate loss of hearing in my left ear. Then the remaining thirty minutes discussing potential ways to improve it, but not entirely "fix" it as able-bodied people would claim. He said that I qualify for both hearing aids and a cochlear implant, but I can only choose one over the other.  
  
I looked over at Chaeyoung and she seemed queasy when he explained the process of the implant through a subtitled video. She became even more unsettled when he talked about the price of those things. I don't blame her; I don't think I'd be able to afford one by myself either.  
  
At the end of the session, Chaeyoung and I stood at the platform waiting for the 1 Train to turn up. The one perk about not having a lot of hearing is that you don't get to hear the screeching train wheels against the railroad tracks, along with that one crazy preacher who always embarks at this time. I always wind up in the same car as him and I can't transfer into another car without the risk of not being able to find a seat.   
  
I hugged my bassoon case firmly between my legs so that I could sign to Chaeyoung, " _The cochlear implant_ _is expensive._ "  
  
" _It's not that_ ", Chaeyoung gave off a weary smile.  
  
" _What is it?_ "  
  
" _I'm just afraid that you'll forget about Deaf people like me_ ", she fretted, " _Or worse, you'll become like those ableists, such as Reina."_  
  
That's true. While I was recovering from my second surgery, I read an article about the controversy behind cochlear implants. With the way that CI's are promoted as a "miracle cure" for deafness, it brought about agitation within the Deaf/HoH community because it implied that they're not functional and that they need to be fixed. The concern is particularly geared towards deaf or hard-of-hearing children whose hearing parents are forcing them to get CI's. They're not given the choice to think and decide for themselves. In other words, these kids aren't equipped with self-esteem within their hearing loss and their parents induce them to believe that they're broken. The frustration in the community makes sense because there are those who are proud of their Deaf heritage and don't feel that they need to change to appease hearing individuals.   
  
Chaeyoung and I kept silent during our train ride to Juilliard, or more like we kept our hands to ourselves since we don't really use our mouths to talk. She was playing with her Nintendo DS and I have a bassoon case to hold tight to just in case someone tries to steal it again.  
  
Then she stuffed her console into her sweater pocket and jabbed my arm to grab my attention, " _Mina, I'm sorry._ "  
  
I tilted my head at her.  
  
" _I know that you're a better person than Reina and people like her_ ", she signed with a sense of remorse, chapfallen eyes meeting mine, " _I shouldn't be the one deciding what you want. I was just scared and it led to me being selfish."_  
  
I waited until we alighted at the next stop, allowing me to carry my case on my back and free my hands, " _It's okay. I don't want them anyways._ "  
  
Chaeyoung stopped halfway up the stairs to focus her gaze on me _, "I'll support you."  
  
"I don't even know if I'll like the implant. I can't afford it anyways."_  
  
" _That's true_ ", she sighed and stopped trying to convince me otherwise, " _What about hearing aids then?_ "  
  
I never reflected on that. There's different brackets of hearing aids but they're considerably cheaper than CI's. I know that Chaeyoung has hearing aids to accustom herself to the sounds of an ensemble but her degree of hearing loss is much more serious than mine's. That also explains why Chaeyoung's hearing aids are quite pricey, as those with severe-to-profound hearing loss need to carry higher output and gain, and yet it still doesn't benefit Chaeyoung in talking to others unless she's in a quiet space with one person. Sometimes, she doesn't turn on her hearing aids.  
  
But when I'm alone with Chaeyoung, we still don't talk to each other. Why? Because she wanted me to practice my sign language and she can't process a whole conversation without her head hurting.  
  
_"You're not against it?"_ I asked.  
  
_"Mina, as long as you know that being hard of hearing doesn't mean that you're weak, you get to decide what your identity is as a hard of hearing person",_ Chaeyoung expressed thoughtfully, " _I mean, I have hearing aids too. I just don't use them all of the time. There are pros and cons to it_."  
  
Chaeyoung has a point. I don't have to use hearing aids all of the time; just when _really, really_ need to.  
  
_"We'll see."_  
  
During individual study in one of the practice rooms, I sat in quiet contemplation about how I'm going to complete my jury with minimal hearing. My hands clenched my bassoon as I tried my best to stay calm, but it's not entirely helping. I didn't spend months rehearsing my jury repertoire in this condition before. It's times like these where I seriously want to consider attaining those hearing devices.

_"Mina is very hard-working and innovative. She doesn't give in and is always looking for alternatives to resolutions."_

_"It is not merely about being in tune with your ears; it's about being in tune with your body."_

_"Becoming hard of hearing may look like an impasse, but it doesn't stop you from accomplishing great things."_

_"Just allow your mind and body to open up and become a resonating chamber. Let the music flow in places that you wouldn't think of."_

_"I think that good listening isn't exclusive to the ears"_

Okay. I need to focus on the present first.  
  
My jury is in two hours and I need to figure out an alternative way to pass this assessment. I can check pitch with my tuning application and with Yerin or Mingyu's feedback, scales are something that I can play in my sleep, and I've run over the repertoire over two hundred times this semester. I just need to have faith in my technique and expressiveness to get through each piece.  
  
After practice, I got in line with Mingyu and the rest of the bassoonists queuing outside of the testing room, awaiting their turn to be evaluated in front of the bassoon instructors as well as other music professors at Juilliard. The upperclassmen are calm and composed while the underclassmen are frantically air-fingering their bassoons. Entering juries appeared like a march towards execution because once a student prodded through those double doors, they would never come out (actually, they'd come out through another exit but I'm just analogizing). Juries are only supposed to last about fifteen minutes, but that stretch of time ultimately determines whether you deserve to stay enrolled in Juilliard or not.    
  
Five minutes in and Joshua, who was about to be tested, began grappling his own respective instrument with his sweaty palms. He seemed to have a meltdown and the upperclassmen were staring superficially at him, two even exchanging giggles. I wasn't laughing at all. I can relate to Joshua.  
  
This morning, I internally convinced myself that I couldn't play this agony tube called the "bassoon", that I was going to lose my breath in the middle of a run, that my fingers are incompetent and will not operate at my own will, that I was going to forget everything that I learned in the past ten years of being strapped to the instrument's harness, and to the most dramatic conclusion that I couldn't perform ever again.  
  
But then my mind backtracked to this late morning before I set off for my appointment with Dr. Jung. I was hanging out with Sana and watching her practice her repertoire for her jury in three days (Lucky girl gets more time to prepare than I do).   
  
As she was mastering Penderecki's [ _Capriccio per Radovan_ "Il sogno di un cacciatore"](https://soundcloud.com/joel-ockerman/penderecki), an unaccompanied horn piece, the transient thought that ran through my head was that she was playing a piece as opposed to practicing it. French horns are significantly louder and more strident than bassoons, therefore my left ear could at least translate most of her music into my brain. I'll preface this by reminding you that Sana treats technical pieces as trivial with the presupposition that music is suppoed to be "fun". For the most part, Sana seems more relaxed and perhaps even joyful when she's making music. She treated every orchestra rehearsal as if it were a concert and every practice session as if it were a performance. Sana makes juries look like a breeze and at first I laughed at the thought that she could see past the cold adjudicators and have "fun" during her jury.  
  
And then I found myself with the realization is that music IS in fact, fun. I skimmed through my repertoire and asked myself what I love about these pieces — the charming tone of Hummel's _[Grand Concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bltF44NIq0) _ for bassoon, the sweet and delicate essence of Vivaldi's [_Sonata in A Minor_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZGmWJ6k264) (Vivaldi isn't that bad after all), and the doleful spirit of the [_Andantino_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1NrevaO8io) in Bernard Andres's [ _Chants d'Arriere-Saison_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHDEdU0RKmw).  
  
If music isn't fun, then why are we pursuing it? It is meant to be enjoyed, savored, appreciated; not stressed over. That's one of the points that my fanclub members made in the birthday video. They gravitate towards my playing style when I'm in my element.  
  
I need to adjust my mindset and reframe it towards showing the adjudicators how I feel about each piece instead of working to please them.  
  
Leafing through pages of sheet music, my eyes stumbled upon a neon pink sticky-note with something written with a thick sharpie pen:

**Smile. You're going to do great :) — Sana**

I smiled.  
  
Eventually, it was my turn to face the judging panel, who consisted of the four bassoon instructors at Juilliard including Dr. Cseszneky, five other music professors including SinB's father, and lastly, President Polisi. The latter greeted me with a huge grin and a gracious handshake.   
  
I waited until each and every adjudicator had their full attention on me. Nobody gave me any vocal cues because they were informed about my loss of hearing ahead of time. I fastened my harness, locked my fingers in place, prepared my embouchure, and President Polisi nodded at me.  
  
_Alright, Mina. You got this The 4-7-8 method. Inhale through my nose to a mental count of four, hold my breath for a count of seven, and exhaling through my mouth to a count of eight. Rinse and repeat._  
  
I took a deep breath and played.

* * *

**The Seventy-Second Measure**

Thursday: May 20, 2021  
  
Juries and final exams are over.  
  
I'm usually good at forgetting those things after they're done, but not this time. Recollections of the judging table, the conscientious and watchful professors, and the shimmering copper walls of the testing room swelled within my brain. In my dreams, I would teleport to that very same room, at one fell swoop with the shudder down my spine and the familiar knot in my stomach, all before I could suck in the right amount of air needed to play the first few bars of a piece. I can't judge my performance because I could barely hear my own playing and my piano accompanist, Minyoung, was playing louder than me. While in queue, Mingyu also assisted me in tuning my instrument and picking out the best possible reed.  
  
For the duration of my jury, I listened to my body, trusted my pitch, and relied on muscle memory to do the talking. Rolling R's against the palate intitiates flutter tonguing, alternating fingerings or partly covering tone holes causes glissandos, movements within the diaphragm brings about vibrato — I could go on about playing techniques but you get the gist. Overall, it's difficult to judge how well I did.  
  
At least I survived without a tick of tinnitus or vertigo.   
  
Following Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals for the graduation ceremony, Chaeyoung came over to my residence to practice _Silent Sonata_. The calendar application on my phone informed me that the Proms is in two months, which seems like an ample amount of time. However, time flies. We tell ourselves to put off things until later but before we know it, it's too late. After listening to what Seohyun had to say about my piece in the birthday video, I really want to give a meaningful performance. I need to redeem myself after losing to Sana in that competition in Paris but most importantly, I need to redeem myself from all of those years of thinking that music was only a competition.  
  
I may have reduced hearing and the other symptoms from my acoustic neuroma, but I'm not going to let that stop me from playing.  
  
In the middle of our practice session, Nayoung walked into the practice room with a package and a letter folded up in a fancy gold envelope. Chaeyoung peaked over my shoulder as I delicately opened the envelope, revealing a handwritten letter from Dr. Cseszneky, my private instructor.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Dear Mina Myoui,  
  
I'd like to inform you that you got straight A's on all of your jury sheets. We're sorry for stressing you out with the timing. We were supposed to hand you your results earlier, but myself and the adjudicators had so much to say about your performance that we needed more time to express our opinions.   
  
You have been such a pleasure to work with for both semesters and I hope that you will be assigned as my student next year. Your persistent and hardworking attitude makes our work fun and interesting, and I'm glad that you haven't given up on music because of your hearing loss. I really wish that you continue doing what you love because you're so talented and the world needs to recognize that.  
  
There should've been a package that came along with this letter. Inside is a case of high-quality reeds that are handmade by my German friend who is a skilled artisan in reed-making. They're made from the best cane and every reed is tested before dispatch. Don't even think about paying me back; I'm giving these reeds to you for free. Try one out and see how much you like it. Maybe you can use one of them for the BBC Proms.  
  
I'm looking forward to your performance this summer. I've already booked a flight to London and I'm printing out tickets as I'm writing this.  
  
Sincerely,   
  
Kevin Cseszneky, D.M.A_

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

The letter is, without a doubt, written by my private instructor. He always adds his doctorate title after his full name.  
  
I'll test out the German reeds with Dr. Cseszneky or another bassoonist during a different time but right now, I want to view my jury results and the commentary along with it. Within the envelope, there's another piece of paper. I unfolded it and tried to decipher the muddled handwriting.  
  
Joshua's bassoon instructor noted how my vibrato sounded remarkably similiar to that of an operatic baritone.  
  
Three professors raved about my clear-cut, definite tone, with one of them quoting, "It definitely has that characteristic bassoon sound."  
  
But as I'm grazing through the review, my eyes cease at President Polisi's name and his report under it:

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

_This is one of the best jury performances I've witnessed and not just among bassoonists, but amongst all musicians. Despite your hearing loss, you hit every note and its accents perfectly, your tempo was one-hundred percent, and you paid close attention to the dynamics. I need not go into detail about the technicalities because the other adjudicators already highlighted them and it would be redundant for me to point them out again.  
  
But you know that I value lyricism just as much as I value technicality. Playing with emotion is important because at Juilliard, we believe in crafting musicians that can add their own flair to their music and communicate those feelings with their audience. We encourage students to become advocates for the arts and use their artistic talents to influence and inspire others, and to the greatest extent, the world.  
  
At first, I was worried because I'm aware that your parents raised you to believe that you needed to win every competition to become successful, and that can lead to musicians losing touch with their purpose in playing. But your jury performance showcased more than just progress; it showcased character development. I don't think I've ever shivered at Andre and Vivaldi before, and I've never heard Hummel's technical concerto ride with such ecstatic energy before. I noted the smile on your face before you placed the reed in your lips, and that just shows how much you love music and how you manage to find joy in these stressful situations. You remind me of that one hornist I evaluated on a different day.    
  
Anyways, I'm so proud of how far you've come since your first year here at Juilliard. You didn't let anything stop you, not even your hearing loss. It just comes to show that you can accomplish anything when you have the right mindset. I'm excited to see where the road will take you after you graduate next year. For instructors, I'm assigning you to Dr. Cseszneky again because I think he knows you the best.  
  
Mina, don't give up. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do great things for being hard-of-hearing. There are successful deaf and hard-of hearing musicians out there. Take Beethoven, Gabriel Fauré, Mandy Harvey, Sean Forbes, and Dame Evelyn Glennie for example.  
  
Come to my office if you have any questions about your career options. You have my full support._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't believe it. I passed my jury with barely any hearing.  
  
Chaeyoung gestured "congratulations" before reaching out for a brief hug. My friends are right. I should start believing in myself and not letting my loss of hearing act as an impediment from doing the things that I want. If Beethoven can do it, if Evelyn Glennie can do it, if Chaeyoung can do it, then so can I.  
  
Before the day of graduation, we celebrated the end of juries with the Crack Squad and our other Pops Orchestra friends at _miss KOREA_ , a chic Koreatown restaurant that specializes in authentic Korean cuisine. Discussions about after-graduation plans rotated within the fourth-years in our group, followed by eating Korean barbeque, uncontrollable sobbing from the underclassmen, drinking (except myself and the underaged members of the group), and then a few rounds of this Japanese game called "King's Game" because Momo wanted to.  
  
Wooden chopsticks are shuffled randomly and each person must fish out one stick. The person who gets the red-marked chopstick is the king whereas the rest have chopsticks with numbers. The king gives an order and a number and the person with that number must do what they say. I won't go into detail about the events that occurred while playing, but let's just say that some designated kings ordered people to suck face.  
  
More crying pursued after the underclassmen gave the graduates their regards, but I managed to stay composed because there's still tomorrow to deal with. It's not entirely the graduation ceremony that gets us musicians emotional; it's the commencement concert that follows.  
  
I arrived home late, safe, sound, and unintoxicated. Nayoung and Yoojung had already gone home from their duties, so I was left with this copious amount of space all to myself. My limbs are sprawled all over the couch, head facing the glass walls and my bassoon sitting in its stand, imploring me to play her— I mean, play it!  _Gosh, Mina. What's going on in your head? You probably are a little intoxicated after all._  
  
There's no way that I'd be having sober thoughts while I'm drunk so I shook off the voices in my head, propelled myself out of the couch, and advanced towards the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a quick bath. But before that, there's a black Sharpie pen sitting on my sink top.  
  
And then I remembered something: I need new affirmation post-it notes.  
  
Instead of showering, I hastily slipped on a long pajama shirt and darted to the office room within my house, yanking out a set of colorful sticky notes from one of the drawers while gripping my Sharpie pen. Taking heed to each point every person made in my birthday video, I began taking note of my strengths and tapping each post-it to the pasty pink wall in front of my bed.

**I'm pretty — Yeoreum and Seola  
I'm hot (lol) — Bambam  
I'm reliable — Eunha  
I'm always prepared — Youngjae and Yugyeom  
I'm urgent ("I don't play games") — Jackson  
I'm passionate — Jisoo  
I'm always available and selfless — Joshua  
I'm caring — Mingyu  
I don't exploit other people's kindness — Nayoung  
I'm hard-working — Chaekyung  
I'm good and honest — Somi  
I'm a great leader — Mark and Junior  
I acknowledge everyone's efforts — Yerin  
I'm inspirational — SinB  
I make beautiful music, I guess — Sowon, Yuju, and Umji  
I'm sensitive — Sunny  
I'm innovative — Yuri  
I have a great imagination — Seohyun  
I'm relatable — Tzuyu  
I have great potential for the future — Dahyun  
I'm open to trying new things — Jihyo  
I'm good at listening to others — Nayeon  
I'm compassionate — Bona  
I'm open to sharing my experiences and I'm courageous — Jeongyeon and Momo  
I have a love of learning — Chaeyoung  
I don't give in very easily — Sana  
I'm simply amazing — Sungyeon**

Wow. That's a lot of notes.  
  
Leaning back and staring at a formerly-empty wall that is now cluttered with affirmation notes, I've learned that I barely acknowledge my personal strengths. Perhaps it's because I was raised in a competitive environment where I believed that I was never good enough, and therefore I was more prone to pointing out my weaknesses more than my strengths. It's good to have a balance of both; it gives you a better understanding of yourself.   
  
Sure knowing your weaknesses can encourage you to improve give you a clearer perception of things that may be holding you back, but understanding your strengths can also help you to grow confidence and aim higher to achieve even greater things. If we don't acknowledge our strengths every now and then, our self-confidence and enthusiasm decreases, thus weakening our overall performance. Fixating on our strengths enables us to seek opportunities instead of problems. Rather than trying to fix or get rid of our weaknesses, we can utilize our strengths to work around them. I didn't fret about failing my jury because of my hearing loss; I used alternative strategies that attributed to my innovativeness.

* * *

**The Seventy-Third Measure**

Friday: May 21, 2021  
  
Clouds cleared the skies, the rain had washed the sidewalks and gutters cleaned, spring concluded with a yawn of blossoms and blooms, even the classic angry New Yorker was nowhere to be found. The vibrancy of New York City had bounced back just in time for a special day.  
  
The graduation ceremony ended on a high note. The downs were the crying amongst families and friends, along with exhuastion from a formidable four years in this prized institution. As for the ups, this year offered opportunities for personal growth and introspection for myself and my friends. The hardships we had overcome just made ourselves even stronger and our bond even tighter. I realized the importance of surrounding myself with positive and confident people, some of whom are no longer students at Juilliard anymore.  
  
Sana and I first went over to Chaekyung, who really isn't going anywhere. She's been accepted to Juilliard's Masters Program and will continue to work with the Juilliard Orchestra next year. In fact, she and her girlfriend, Kim Sohee, have sparked some interest in the Pops Orchestra as well.  
  
We then gave our goodbyes to Jackson, Mark, and Junior. Yesterday at the restaurant, these three settled on moving outside of America to test the classical waters in Europe. Jackson is going to compete in the violin category at the famed International Tchaikovsky Competition, and he's pretty confident despite the volume of unforgiving competitors that he'll be up against. In order for Jackson to concentrate in his work overseas, he had to break up with Eunha.  
  
Eunha is okay with it, though. In fact, she's genuinely happy for him and wants him to succeed.    
  
Then we walked over to Sowon, the former president of my fanclub. She pounced on me and gave me a suffocating hug in front of Yuju and Umji. She had transferred the "president" title to SinB, who is in the lobby of the Alice Tully Hall weeping to Yerin. The eldest amongst the couple has accepted a second-chair position with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and now she has to move to another country.  
  
Speaking of Yerin, she's weeping too. I wasn't sure if it was because she was leaving SinB or because she was offered a bassoon position with a professional orchestra fresh out of music school, but she's been in this state since President Polisi entrusted her with the degree that she deserved. Yerin's eyes were so fogged by her tears that she nearly tripped while sauntering down the steps.  
  
And as soon as I came by to give her a hug, her tears soaked up my concert dress for the night.  
  
I scrambled out of the lobby and straggled through crowds of overjoyed students and families to find Momo, whose parents gifted her a bouquet of bacon roses. I threatened to cry when the thought about her not being a member of the Pops Orchestra anymore came to mind, but then Momo plucked out one of her bacon roses and shoved it into my mouth to stop me from bawling.   
  
Undeterred by the fact that I couldn't hear my own voice in amidst the celebration, I still shouted "thank you" to Momo for the birthday video. She tilted her head in confusion at first, but she caught up slowly with my words. I guess my interpretation of having a loud voice doesn't match her's.  
  
To stop myself from crying, I thought about Momo's entrance to the stage to receive her degree. She strutted down to President Polisi and made the stage her catwalk. I laughed because when Momo was shaking President Polisi's hand, one of her stiletto heels snapped and she decided to complete the perimeter of the stage with bare feet. But Momo remained confident as she was making her exit, and I'm happy for her.  
  
Jeongyeon also bravely displayed a radiant face when she sashayed in her black graduation gown to President Polisi. He gagged on his spit from amusement and her degree slipped from his hand. However, Jeongyeon has great reflexes (probably due to the fact that she's a percussionist) and she managed to snatch the piece of paper, one centimeter before it hit the ground.   
  
"Congratulations", I told Jeongyeon after swallowing my bacon rose, enclosing her in my arms.  
  
Jeongyeon released herself from the hug, sifting her hands out of her gown sleeves to sign something, " _Thank you._ "  
  
Even Jeongyeon is learning some sign language and it renders me speechless, literally. If it weren't for Jeongyeon with her persistence of keeping me in the Pops Orchestra and exposing my talents, I probably wouldn't hold as much confidence today. I look up to Jeongyeon in that she's charismatic and has a great sense of leadership, awareness, and energy. Even though she teases me more than the other Crack Squad members, Jeongyeon is also my number-one defender. She's the kind of friend that every person needs in their life and I'm going to miss her greatly.  
  
"I think I owe you an apology", I started, gripping the fabric of my dress.  
  
" _Why?_ " she gestured.  
  
"I misjudged you and your friends at first", I admitted as I looked down on the floor, "I didn't think that I would enjoy the Pops Orchestra and your company. Reina and the others kind of induced me to believe that you guys were nothing but shits and giggles, and that's not true. You guys and the rest of the ensemble are among the most inspirational people I've ever met. My life has changed because of you guys."  
  
The timpanist shot back a pleased smile and whispered something to Sana.  
  
" _She said that it's not your fault_ ", Sana translated, " _You didn't need to apologize._ "  
  
"Okay, but I'm still sorry", I heaved a sigh of relief, handing Jeongyeon over to Sana before slipping out of the crowd once again.   
  
Nayeon had isolated herself from everyone else, dodging all of the typical celebratory camaraderie while meandering around the fountain at the Lincoln Center for Performing Arts. She had just stowed away her clarinet in David Geffen Hall's dressing room for tonight's performance, or so she claimed in her text message after the ceremony. I'm thinking about how there could something else that Nayeon is going through.  
  
When our eyes met, Nayeon motioned me to sit next to her at the rim of the fountain. I sat on her right so that she could speak into my left ear. There's no one else here except us and the surrounding streets are not clogged up with noisy cars for once. The fountain is also shut off to conserve water.  
  
"Hey, uhh... c-congratulations!" I said shakily, not knowing how to start the conversation.  
  
"Thank you", there was something about Nayeon's voice that made me uneasy, like how tense she sounded when she spoke in my left ear.  
  
_Crap. What do I do?_  
  
"Mina", Nayeon began, clutching her the fabric of her graduation gown, "You don't have to stay with me. You can be with everyone else."  
  
_Nayeon didn't leave you as a friend, so don't leave her._  
  
"I want to be here", I looked at her with a contented smile, "Besides, it's too loud over there. The hollering and the crying hurts my left ear."

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, not knowing what else to say. Nayeon started to fiddle with the corners of her diploma while I envisioned what Nayeon's solo is going to look like tonight. I diverted my stare away from her as a trail of goosebumps started blooming in my wake.   
  
At first unsure about whether to speak out or not, Nayeon decided to steal her nerves and make an observation, "Everyone's parents are here."  
  
_Ah. So that's what's bothering her._  
  
Now that I think about it. I don't recall anybody else except the Crack Squad and the Pops Orchestra members standing up and cheering for Nayeon as she walked across the graduation stage. Her parents must've seriously cut ties with her, and thus they didn't show up to her graduation.  
  
"I'm so sorry", I addressed meekly, lowering my eyes to my feet.  
  
"No, I'm sorry for being pessimistic for a bit", Nayeon sighed, leaning closer to my left ear again, "It's okay, Mina. I'm way over them now. I have Jihyo, Jihyo's parents, and you guys now. I consider all of you guys as part of my family."  
  
I reached out to the clarinetist and pulled her into my arms, "Don't worry, Nayeon. You won't be the only one without parents at their graduation."  
  
"Oh?" It took a while for her to process what I just said, "Mina, have you ever spoke with your parents since they got incarcerated?"  
  
"Umm... no", I shivered, struggling for words, "I... I don't want..."  
  
Nayeon turned towards me, cutting me off, "You don't have to. Just focus on yourself and the people you care about."  
  
I don't plan on talking to anyone in my family right now — not my parents, not my aunts, not my uncles, not my grandmother, not my cousins, not anybody. It's just not realistic to think that my parents have overcome their alcohol addiction and let go of their practices. It's also not realistic to think that I'm going to secure ties with my relatives within such a short amount time. They're not part of my support system and they don't care about my well-being. I need to take care of myself as I'm thinking about what I'm going to do after my graduation next year.  
  
"It's almost time for The Proms", Nayeon's head snapped up in elation, "I can't wait to hear you guys play."  
  
"Yeah", I grinned, nodding.  
  
"You do know that me, Jeongyeon, and the others are going to attend your night of The Proms, right?"  
  
"You guys can afford to fly to London at this time?"  
  
"Yup!", Nayeon said brightly, resting her head on my shoulder, rotating her head so that she's facing my ear, "We bought those plane tickets and reserved a hostel as early as possible. Also, SinB helped us with purchasing Proms tickets from the Royal Albert Hall's website."  
  
"I love you guys", I murmured softly.  
  
"Mina! You deserve it!" Nayeon laughed, pulling me into a hug and slapping me on the back.   
  
"You have a solo tonight too", I reminded her.   
  
Nayeon liberated me from her tight embrace and cupped her hands around my left ear, "There's a meaning behind this piece."  
  
_I'm sure there is, Nayeon. I'm sure there is. And you're going to nail it._  
  
Sana and the rest of the Crack Squad found Nayeon and I at the fountain. They charged towards us like a flurry of race horses, Jeongyeon and Momo dragging behind as they're trying not to trip on their gowns. Those who had not greeted Nayeon earlier are surrounding her, giving her congratulatory words and carrying out their famous "hug attack". Taking into account the immense amount of people talking at once, I can't keep up with their conversation. I drifted from the congregation and stood next to Sana, who had just finished hugging Nayeon.   
  
" _They're talking about Nayeon's solo and the London trip_ ", she summarized with signs.  
  
"I can't wait for London", I said to Sana, excited.  
  
" _You can't wait to perform?_ " her eyes widened, " _I've never heard that from you before!_ "  
  
But it's true. I really, really can't wait to stand on the stage of the Royal Albert Hall again. Sure the BBC Proms seems intimidating since it is a prestigious music festival and only the hottest acts are invited to perform, but in the end, the performers and the audience are all gathered for one purpose and that is to appreciate and enjoy classical music. It's no longer a horrifying thing to make your presence in front of thousands of people and share what you have to express. 

* * *

**The Seventy-Fourth Measure**

Now it's time for the Juilliard Orchestra's Commencement Concert.  
  
Beethoven's [_Fifth Symphony_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv2WJMVPQi8), also known as the Victory Symphony during the Second World War, was our piece for the first half. This symphony acted as a focal point of the unrest that the graduate students faced, whereas the finale highlighted the end of that arduous road to graduation (hence, their "Victory" Symphony). Years of auditions, endless studying, stiff rehearsals, sleepless nights, crying in practice rooms, and juries were thoughts that the graduating students could put behind them for now. All that was left was their final concert.  
  
As the applause for Beethoven dissipated, I pulled my hair back and removed my earplugs, letting them dangle from the chord around my neck. Nayeon's solo is next and there are going to be no instances of raucous trombones from behind me. I honestly don't know how I got through Beethoven's symphony with very little hearing, but I made it. All I did was trust my pitch and technique, then let the vibrations of the orchestra envelop me. These vibrations are like music to me.  
  
The applause relighted when Nayeon reappeared from the sidelines in this A-line, champagne pink dress with a sheer beaded bodice and floral appliques, corresponding to her piece _Cherry Blossom_. There are four movements, each movement representing a stage of Cherry Blossom tree growth and a season of the year, and each season signifying one year at Juilliard. Cherry Blossoms have a resplendent significance in that they suggest renewal. In Japanese culture, they illustrate growth, fragility, and the beauty of life.  
  
Nayeon waited, searching for Jihyo's eyes in the viola section. The principal violist blew a kiss for her girlfriend to receive, and Nayeon took it with much joy. Using Jihyo's radiant eyes as a guide, Nayeon nodded at Maestro Gilbert to commence the piece.  
  
I can't fully describe what Nayeon's playing sounds like, but I'll do my best to let it come to my imagination.  
  
The first movement is "Summer", where after peak bloom, the cherry blossom petals are trying to remain their place on the tree and the leaves begin to turn green. The petals that do fall remind us to pay attention to our surroundings: our dear friends, our beloved instruments, the tall skyscrapers, the luscious discountcoffee from Indie, the vast stage of the Alice Tully Hall — these are aspects that won't be with us forever.  
  
Buoyant clarinet notes surfaced from the bright orchestra, playful and kind. Nayeon's sound reached outwards towards the gaudy ceiling of the David Geffen Hall, weaving through the enthusiastic strings and brass, then tempered with her fellow woodwinds.   
  
As first-years, we're not fully aware about that beauty. We're disillusioned by others to think that Juilliard is a cutthroat environment where you'll create hostile rivalries and lose your love for the arts. At the same time, we could get caught up in the illusion that Juilliard is just fun and games, underestimating or even just without knowing the sacrifices you need to make to achieve your goals.  
  
Then our second year at Juilliard arrives and we're on heat. Second-year students are called by a term whose roots are perplexing and perhaps even problematic. There is a common stereotype projected towards college sophomores, suggestive of them being intellectually bold, pretentious, overconfident, conceited, while at the same time, immature. Not all second-years pertain to this stereotype (e.g. Chaeyoung, Dahyun, Tzuyu, SinB) but I'll admit that The Six and I were at our most impudent selves in this year.  
  
The second movement is entitled "Autumn" and it indicates the subsiding of sunlight, the arrival of brisk temperatures, and fallen leaves from the cherry blossom tree. Leaves are no longer painted a vibrant green, but rather intense and fierce shades of red, orange, and yellow.  
  
Dynamics oscillate like an erratic storm, _forte_ to _piano_ , _fortissimo_ to _pianissimo_ , _mezzo-forte_ to _mezzo-piano_ , _crescendo, decrescendo_ , and _diminuendo_. Eighth notes change to sixteenths before modulating dexterously into half notes, where Nayeon strayed the orchestra to a dramatic C major. I don't think I've ever heard Nayeon perform like this before. She's sending chills down my spine.  
  
And speaking of chills...  
  
The third movement "Winter" breezes in with frigid conditions and dark skies. It is the dormant period of the cherry tree, meaning that the cherry tree is inactive, similar to sleeping. As the last leaf falls from the tree, leaving the branches exposed and unattractive, the gray snow bequeaths a cold impression of difficulties, desperation, worries and anxieties, as well as more affirmative traits such as introspection and clarification.  
  
This third stage of blooming identifies with our troublesome third year at Juilliard. We're all burnt out from our hectic school life, we're all trying to figure out what to do after our fourth year, and we're all just waiting to get our degree. At this rate, graduation seems so close yet so far.   
  
Her music, I imagine, is very contemplative. Nayeon's hardships of her third year after leaving The Six and being neglected by her family are reflected in her style of playing. My third year was also a hectic year, as I had also left The Six, dealt with my family and identity, and cope with my hearing loss. A detatched _staccato_ tinkered quitely in the silent orchestral setting, then Nayeon brought up the most melodramatic _vibrato_ that's ever flown out of her own instrument, filling up each and every crevice of the concert hall, shattering like cracked ice on the pavement.  
  
But then the hall became peaceful, the instrumentation being clarinet with a harp, piano, and a signature first viola. Nayeon purposely gave Jihyo a viola feature to reiterate how their connection was substantial in keeping her sane and thoughtful. If it weren't for Jihyo and her unconditional support, Nayeon would've not been able to graduate, let alone stand on this stage and perform such a paramount composition.  
  
The clarinet-viola duet is beautiful and placid enough to appease my ear. I let my reed leave my lips and sit back, savoring how Nayeon and Jihyo's notes are like magnetic forces — glissading and plucking from their respective instruments, delicate and imperious, soft and strong, yet never leaving each other's side. Jihyo and her viola had become a focal point to Nayeon's happiness.  
  
The heartwarming clarinet and the soulful viola are likened to the beat of a heart, pounding as the orchestra returns to life for the finale.   
  
"Spring" is the final movement of this ruminative piece and it brings out so much intensity, just like the glorious blooming of cherry blossoms. Blooming season is vigorous, splendid and intoxicating, but unfortunately short-lived — a visual indication that our lives, too, are fleeting. Our last year at Juilliard is meant to be our most beautiful year, with thoughts of finality and the relief of stress. But at the same time, it is bittersweet. We also don't forget about the joyous memories and the new friends that we've made over the course of these four years. These are fleeting as well. We have to figure out what we're going to do with our degrees and everyone is bound to go their separate ways after graduation.   
  
Cherry blossoms are also revered as a motif of rebirth. Even though the trees seem deceased in the winter, they never truly die. Green buds will always sprout and become magnificent flowers as long as the tree is still standing. That being said, identity isn’t entirely innate nor is it static. You do have the power to renew yourself and improve. Identity changes overtime after said individual undergoes life experiences, delves into conversations with other people, and questions themselves. It may take time for a person to develop their self-concept, and identity can be subjected to change when that person is swayed by the opinions of other people or when other outside forces influence them to change.   
  
It's safe to say that I'm not the same person that I was last year, and I probably won't be the same person next year compared to today. I'm excited for what my fourth year at Juilliard will bring. Maybe new friends, new mindsets, new memories, new bassoon mentees, and most likely pieces that I've never played before. I'm also going to help Jihyo and Sana in leading the Pops Orchestra.  
  
When the piece ended, there was a roaring applause. Nayeon looked around the ensemble, smiling with tears in her eyes before everyone stood up and bowed. By any statistical measure, Nayeon didn't believe that she deserved the center stage. _There are other students who have better grades than me_ , is what she told me. But grades are not everything if the person does not have a good peresonality or drive.  
  
Nayeon had made her last mark as a Juilliard student today. She had never once in her life thought that she could amount to this much grandeur after her downfall, but now Nayeon believes that she can conquer almost anything and everything. She's not scared about her life after Juilliard.  
  
I feel very motivated now. I can't wait to perform at the BBC Proms, and I can't wait for my graduation. 

* * *

**The Seventy-Fifth Measure**

Friday: July 16, 2021  
  
London isn't always about the rain. July is one of the hottest months in the city and so far, there have been no reports of precipitation or fog.  
  
Sana, Chaeyoung, and I are out the door of the Ambassadors Bloomsbury Hotel at one o'clock in the British afternoon, two hours after our nap following our arrival from Heathrow. We would've taken a longer nap had Sana not led us to the wrong suite and stopped fumbling with the room key.  
  
The Underground is unbearably sweaty and congested, so I had to muster up the stamina to bear the train ride from Russell Square to South Kensington Station on the Piccadilly line. Although the trains have been rejuvenated to fit the modern age, many still lack air conditioning and cooling units. The trains and the tracks are also insufferably loud with its rumbling and noisy passengers, whom I suspect to be tourists, with big backpacks and city maps. I've been having a massive headache since the plane ride, which must've seem to arise from the haze of exhaustion and frustration I've been swamped in since I left New York City with a new pair of hearing aids.   
  
Dr. Jung, the audiologist, adjusted and fitted them in for me in June and no lie, it was a little tedious at first because hearing aids require constant maintenance and care (e.g. removing any built-up ear wax, removing them when taking a shower, replacing batteries). Hearing sounds for the first time after becoming hard-of-hearing felt overwhelming and I'm still struggling with getting used to this new feeling.   
  
I made this decision by myself, and consciously too. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop learning and practicing ASL, nor does it mean that I'm going to cease any communication with Chaeyoung or other Deaf/Hard of Hearing people.  
  
After the tourists spilled out of the train into the Piccadilly Circus, leaving the three of us with enough space to stretch our legs, I sat down and settled my case on my lap. Sana and Chaeyoung shuffled to the two empty seats in front of me, placing their respective cases on their laps too.   
  
" _Today is the day_ ", Sana signed to the two of us.  
  
That's right. Today is our Proms performance.  
  
And I've never felt more excited about performing until now. I may be jetlagged but I'm not going to let that get in the way of my performance.  
  
Once we arrived at the Royal Albert Hall, we went through soundcheck and afternoon tea in one of the eateries within the venue. Then the three of us had our nails done at the salon close to Kensington Palace; the place where Sooyoung and Taeyeon work at. I fell asleep during my manicure and woke up with filed nails and silvery polish. My hearing aids were off too so I couldn't tell when I was done.  
  
On the walk back to the venue, there were already Prommers circling around the exterior of the building. People were snacking on digestive biscuits and chocolate bars on the steps of the rear entrance. From the entry point before the foyer, scalpers were bellowing their prices while waving tickets in the air. Traffic ensued around the structure and people scrambled out from the nearest bus and Tube stations.  
  
I caught a quick glimpse of Dr. Cseszneky, his wife, and their four children in queue to get their tickets scanned. In another line was Nayeon and the others, fanning themselves with the programme in the sweltering London summer heat. Dahyun peeped her head and waved at me before disappearing into the crowd. I smiled gratefully and waved back. They really did come all the way from NYC to watch us perform live.  
  
Sana halted me to do my makeup and transform my bedhead into a French twist with a Swarovski crystal bead and rhinestone hair clip. As she finished with me and moved onto Chaeyoung to do the same, I scurried to my allocated dressing room to change into my gown — an ivory open back halter dress with a high neckline, a bodice studded with diamonds, and a floor-length satin pleated skirt.   
  
I didn't want to feel like I lived in the dressing room. So instead of moping around like I used to do in my pre-performance liturgy, I soaked one of Dr. Cseszneky's high-quality German reeds for a couple of minutes, warmed up, and promptly left the room to search for Chaeyoung.  
  
The wings offer a view of the stage and the audience. Everything about the interior of the Royal Albert Hall used to intimidate me, from the BBC Radio 3 box where presenters narrate your every move, to the standing gallery with spectators laying eyes on you as if you were an eagle's prey. But instead of noticing those things, my eyes landed on the front row of the arena standing section, just before the foot of the stage. The Crack Squad was there with LED boards labeling mine, Chaeyoung, and Sana's name in romanized letters, Hangul, and then Hiragana characters. Visitors and security guards were baffled by the signage as this form of cheering isn't customary in classical music concerts (they're more accustomed to K-pop concerts), but the six of them didn't care. Conformity is a concept that is foreign to them.  
  
_*poke*_  
  
"Ch-Chaeyoung!" I let out a squeak, then turned my head and clamped the area where I got poked.   
  
" _You look like a white swan_ ", Chaeyoung complimented, " _A white swan that emerged from being a black swan._ "  
  
" _I don't remember the black swan turning into a white swan in the story._ "  
  
" _Well today you're rewriting that story. Or better, you're rewriting history_ ", she interpreted before unzipping her case and extracting two pairs of mallets — one pair for the glockenspiel and another pair for the vibraphone. Chaeyoung's white chiffon dress had a bejeweled basque that shimmered just as bright as the two idiophones waiting to be struck by her mallets onstage.  
  
Sana turned up from her dressing room, all groomed for her performance, only she had not changed into her dress because she doesn't make her appearance until after intermission. She was eating a roll of cheese kimbap that Chaeyoung had contrived at the hotel and smugged backstage.  
  
"You're very pretty, Mina", Sana began after swallowing a bite of her roll.  
  
I grinned sheepishly, pinching the skirt of my dress, "Thanks."  
  
"Did you find Nayeon and the others in the audience?"  
  
"With the signs and everything? Yes", I giggled, "They're in the front row of the arena standing section."  
  
Sana stole a glance at the audience and laughed, then she perceived something else, "What about the person next to them?"   
  
"The person next to them?"   
  
A young woman draped her beige trenchcoat over her shoulders, revealing a dress just as dynamic as Sana's red dress for her concerto. In fact, she and Sana almost look related. Perhaps the woman passed on her genetics to her offspring, and that offspring could be—  
  
Wait.  
  
"Oh my god", I gasped a little too audibly, flinching away from the wings at the sight of that familiar woman. Sana rapidly cupped my hand over my mouth before I could say something aloud and expose myself in front of the audience.  
  
"Did you see what I mean?"  
  
I was nearly breathless at this point, "Th-That's your mom."   
  
Sana's mother secretly traveled all the way from San Francisco to London, just to watch our performances. I can imagine how euphoric Sana must be to see her mom all the way in the front row with our friends, finally about to witness Sana's improvement and musical breadth with her own eyes. She's not wearing any shoes either, which indicated that she's using the floor to "feel" the music.    
  
"Mina Myoui and Son Chaeyoung on standby, please", a staff member called.  
  
"I think you better get going", Sana said with a smile, patting my back.  
   
"For the first time in BBC Proms history, we are featuring performers with hearing loss", began a female announcer through the speakers hanging overhead, her presence possibly deriving from the BBC Radio 3 Box, "They are both accomplished musicians from the Juilliard School of Music. One of them we all know as the Black Swan, Mina Myoui, who performed at the 2019 Proms and is also the second-place winner of the Parisian Winter Music Festival Competition. The other girl is her percussionist friend who was specifically handpicked by Seohyun, the prized composer of _The Black Swan_ as well as tonight's piece for the first half."  
  
Hearing her mention _The Black Swan_ again was oddly comforting.  
  
"Seohyun said to me earlier that as she wrote this, she pictured the Black Swan from the past letting loose of its wounds and dark feathers, emerging into a happier White Swan" a male announcer added, "And right at the very end of the last movement, the White Swan turns around to look at us and tell us that everything is going to be okay. It's such a wonderful image to keep in your head as you listen to tonight's performance."  
  
Chaeyoung wasn't kidding about the black swan-white swan analogy.  
  
"Smile", Sana reminded me, pinching my cheeks in an attempt to relieve me from the jitters.  
  
"For the first half of the night, the stage belongs to the two girls", the female announcer continued, "This piece begins with a simple yet powerful opening statement and ends with a radiant message that seems to approach some kind of epic truth or silence. _Silent Sonata_ is about finding hope, passion, and self-discovery. This piece is going to rewrite history in the world of classical music."  
  
_Rewriting history, huh?_  
  
"Wait", I took a glimpse at the feet of Sana's mom.  
  
I looked back at Chaeyoung and Sana, unclasping the straps on my high heels, tossing them aside, and planting my bare feet to the ground. _My feet were hurting anyways._ Chaeyoung was satisfied to know that she wouldn't be the only barefoot individual in this hall tonight. The clapping and stomping of feet from the audience instituted vibrations from the floor beneath me, all before I could feel tickling from my legs to my eardrums. They're transferring energy to different parts of my body, like an earthquake taking over my senses.   
  
"Mina", Sana was confounded as I plucked out the hearing aid on my left ear, "What are you doing?"  
  
The announcer went on, "Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to our talented musicians, Mina and Chaeyoung."  
  
"Put these back in the case", I ordered. After removing the hearing aid on my right ear, I couldn't hear Sana's words. As I picked up my bassoon from its stand, I sighed wistfully with the same unusual, anxious happiness from my previous jury wrenching my heart.    
  
_Smile. You’re going to do great, Mina._  
  
It was the last thing I told myself before fastening my bassoon to my harness and entering the stage, side-by-side with Chaeyoung.  
  
The stage lights blinded my eyes again, forming bokeh circles in my eyes as if I were underwater. But I sought this as a light of hope rather than a light of fear. When my vision cleared, I shook hands with Chaeyoung and smiled at her, reverently. She did the same.   
  
Then we waited for the audience to simmer down from their continuous clapping. I could finally see each person with my own eyes, but I particularly gazed at the front row of the arena standing area, where The Crack Squad and Sana's mother are cheering us on with those silly signboards. But what I hadn't noticed from the left wing was that there were other guests with them, probably obscured by the curtain earlier.   
  
Mark, Junior, and their friends had actually constructed the signboards prior to the Proms.  
  
Chaekyung and Nayoung were embracing each other, praying for our success.  
  
Cheng Xiao, Yeoreum, and Seola were comforting Bona as she was overly-excited for what's to come. Sungyeon is being carried in Xuan Yi's arms.  
  
Sowon, Yuju, Umji, SinB, Yerin, Eunha, Yoojung, and Somi were on the farthest left, pouring out their eyes.  
  
Mingyu and the rest of my section are standing in the row behind them, looking hopeful.  
  
And unexpectedly, Jisoo and Jennie were placed smack in the center of the front row, squeezing each other's hands.   
  
"You got this", Jennie seemed to mouth and I swore that I was going to choke on the incoming tears, but Chaeyoung grabbed my arm just in time to calm me down, linking my cold hand with her warm one as she placed her mallets on top of the vibraphone.  
  
" _She's different now. Jisoo texted me to tell you that_ ", Chaeyoung signed after releasing my hand from her grasp. I regained my faltering breath in the assurance of her words, abandoning all shock that I had for a brief moment. Like it is implied in Nayeon's solo, people can change over time.  
  
The audience sat down now. Chaeyoung stretched her arms and reclaimed her mallets. My long fingers rolled around the keys and fingerholes of my bassoon until they're in the correct position. Then I filled my lungs with air and searched for the sweet spot on my lips to fit my reed.   
  
And we played.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So... quite a few adjustments here. The dates for the Commencement Concert and the Graduation ceremony were flipped for a greater emotional impact (Usually it's the concert and then the ceremony, but here it's the ceremony and then the concert). Also, it's not just graduating students playing with the orchestra, it's also the original Juilliard Orchestra members as well.
> 
> Also, ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT. Don't worry we will talk about Mina and Chaeyoung's performance as well as Sana's concerto. It's just that it would be a freakishingly long chapter if it were to do be done here. Chapter 40 just might be one of the longest chapters and will take time, but thank you guys so holding out until the end. We're almost done!
> 
> No but it's true. In Twice TV5, they did have trouble opening their hotel room and locating their suites!


	39. BONUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So we both been having a long discussion about this. Since Chapter 40 is a long chapter and we're not quite done, we've decided to release the Bonus ahead of time so that you guys have something to read before the final chapter is officially released. It is roughly the same length as a regular story chapter. We apologize for taking too long with writing the last chapter, but we want to deliver the best quality content since it will be the last chapter. This is the bonus that we've mentioned would take place after the lack of bonuses in the previous chapter. This is the longest bonus we've ever conceived. We just want to say thank you guys, both old and new readers, for sticking with us through the end. We couldn't have made it this far without your love and support. 
> 
> Enjoy the bonus ^^

**BONUS (Sana and Chaeyoung Part 4/5)**  
  
Wednesday: August 3, 2016  
  
It was a triumphant night for the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra as they closed their concert season with Mahler's _Second Symphony_ , Strauss's _Eine Alpensinfonie_  and _Ein Heldenleben_. Chaeyoung and Jihyo disappeared with their sections collectively, with the plan of eating out at the Cheesecake Factory in Union Square. The horn section, on the other hand, remained pensive in the lobby.   
  
Yoona dies today — through assisted suicide.  
  
Sana can't be mad about it, though. Yoona wanted this. The poor girl has been battling AIDs for her entire life and there was no hope of salvation. Her lungs, her heart, her liver — everything was giving in. When the word about Yoona's intentions lingered from orchestra member to orchestra member, it took an elongated amount time for Sana to accept this fact, especially since she already had a death in the family not too long ago.   
  
Before Yoona left, she left a note for her entire section. Haruka Shimazaki read it aloud in a shaky voice.  
  
"Goodbye my dear hornists that I love", she began, "Today is the day that I've chosen to pass away with great honor and dignity. I'm very thankful for the effort you all have put into this performance to make it meaningful. Do not stop what you're doing and please continue to carry out the legacy that I left behind. Music has been my greatest mentor, my friend, and my family member. I've learned from my time here that music isn't a weapon merely used for competition, but rather an instrument of love and satisfaction. Make good use of the life that you're blessed with."  
  
Mixed heartbreak, solace,  and guilt spread amongst the members. Even Naeun, who is notably bitter and scornful towards the girl, felt remorseful.  
  
As usual for the aftermath of a concert, the Davies Symphony Hall is silent. Heck, even desolate. The vigilance of Mahler and Strauss from earlier was replaced with grief-stricken silence, a silence that fills up Sana. Yoona's section were the last to exit the venue, or so she thought.  
  
The creaking of double doors attended to Sana's ears, followed by the clacking of high heels and an acute sigh. It was Sunny, the youth orchestra's sole bass trombonist as well as Yuri and Yoona's best friend. She noted the hornist slouching in the lobby's overstuffed chair and approached her. Sunny dropped her bass trombone case to one side and settled in the seat faced opposite to Sana.  
  
Little did Sana know that Sunny was holding another instrument case, one similiar to her's.  
  
And then the older girl spoke, "Yoona has a present for you."  
  
Sana sat up and curled forward, hands clutched on her own horn case that was sitting on her lap. Sunny propped the second case atop the coffee table situated in between them. The words "Yoona" and "present", along with the sight of that case, connected in Sana's mind.  
  
"You're kidding..."  
  
Sunny shook her head, "I'm not shitting you. Yoona wants you to have this."  
  
Sana lowered her case to the floor and placed Yoona's case on her lap. She unclasped the latches and opened it gingerly, almost like uncovering precious valuables from a treasure chest. An Alexander 103 is unearthed — a double German horn with a splendid sheen and a round yet powerful inflection. Its sound alone can move mountains and transcend time. The embedding of leaf patterns on the exterior only intimidated Sana even more.   
  
Eventually, Sana croaked out something, "A-Are you sure?"  
  
"Yoona told me to give her horn to you", Sunny spoke earnestly, "You are her favorite sectionmate. While the other section members bitched about your supposed 'incompetence' or how they wanted to be principal chair, you never talked shit and you worked your ass off. Where words fail, music speaks, right?"  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"Anyone can talk. Anyone can make promises. But no matter what is said, no matter how strong the intention behind those words are, they fail to explicitly show those intentions", Sunny explained, "Naeun can tell you that you're not good enough, or she can tell Yoona that she doesn't deserve to be section leader, but her words are meaningless as long as she continues to complain."    
  
"Kind of like how actions speak louder than words", Sana added, still admiring the horn in all its glory.  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Sana was caught so off guard by her new instrument that she lost track of time, "Oh shoot! It's getting late. S-So how much do I owe you for this horn?"  
  
Sunny huffed out a laugh, "You don't owe us anything!"  
  
"Please, something", the younger girl begged with a tinge of guilt, "This is too big of a gift to give."  
  
"Well..." Sunny rendered herself deep in contemplation as she adjusted the strap on her bass trombone case, "Just... take good care of her horn, okay? Treat it with love and respect. By that, I mean utilize it for your own musical enjoyment and growth. The horn wants you to succeed."  
  
_The horn wants you to succeed._  
  
When Yoona died and gave away her horn, Sana realized that she seriously needed to do something great with her life.  
  
_I won't let Yoona down_ , thought Sana, _I will do great things_.  
  
Sana worked her ass off from the moment she was granted that horn. Every night before attending her bed, Sana set five alarms for six o'clock in the morning, gleaming with the satisfaction that she had a drive to work ten times harder than before, all in order to access her dreams. She was the first person to turn up to rehearsals and warm up, sparing her enough time to run over the pieces for the day while everyone else was still setting up their instruments. By the next seating placement for the youth orchestra, Sana had skyrocketed from last chair to principal chair.  
  
Naeun and the other hornists couldn't talk anymore. Sana was their leader now.

* * *

Monday: August 21, 2017  
  
Sana and Jihyo's last year at SOTA, a public performing arts high school situated in San Francisco, had begun. At this rate, students would have an vague to definite idea of where they want to go after graduation, and thus make the necessary preparationg to do so. The hornist and violist discussed future plans over rice balls and mandu in the cafeteria while Chaeyoung just listened. Unexpectedly, Sana and Jihyo's plans were the same.  
  
They both wanted to audition for the same institution.  
  
Jihyo had already set this plan in stone since she was in elementary school, so she boasted her resume by winning string instrument competitions and taking masterclasses from violists within the famed institution itself. She also upheld principal viola within the youth orchestra.  
  
Sana decided to audition there for a reason — not because of the name, not because of its high caliber, not because she expected a flourishing career after getting her degree, and surprisingly, not because she wanted to reunite with Mina Myoui. She wanted to better herself as a musician. New York City is home to a plethora of performance venues and opportunities for a performer to thrive.   
  
Also, Sana wanted to challenge herself by placing herself in an environment with other musicians that are just as seasoned as her, if not more.  
  
_That's so cool_ , Chaeyoung thought while mentally collecting Sana and Jihyo's words. Her ears didn't catch the name of the institution that they're auditoning for, though.  
  
Then youth orchestra rehearsals came around. On the way back to the stage from the storage room, Chaeyoung almost dropped her cymbals case. A wild horn _[tutti](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj5XXzfh0Sk) _ from Shostakovich's _[Fifth Symphony](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS4dcZ90fN0) _ sounded from one of the larger practice spaces. They were noticeably sloppy. It's Sana's second and last year as the youth orchestra's principal hornist and she had just received a new batch of hornists. No more Naeun, no more Haruka, no more Marius, no more Kyle, no more Gilbert, no more Peniel, and more importantly, no more Yoona. These kids are all fresh meat to Sana.  
  
Sana moved her horn away from her lips and shut her eyes in exasperation, "The concert is this week and we're still at a rut from last month. When are we going to get this section down?"   
  
The younger hornists exchanged glances from around the semi-circle, trying to avoid Sana's glare.  
  
"Again, please", Sana directed quietly, remaining her cool.  
  
An ensemble of eight hornists replayed the offending secton of the first movement. They were terrible; cracked notes and poor intonation rained on the soundscape. You didn't have to be a hornist to tell how awful their playing was. It was nearly a disgrace to Shostakovich.  
  
"Can we go home now?" Matthew, the fifth chair with a tongue as similiar to that of Naeun's, grunted.  
  
"If you practiced as much as you run your mouth then we could've been home an hour ago", Sana's voice dropped dangerously severe, unsmiling.  
  
"Are you serious?" Matthew began again.  
  
"Did you think I was joking?" Sana retorted. Her patience had slipped.  
  
The seven other hornists dropped their gaze to the floor amidst the cold silence. Chaeyoung, still lingering by the sidelines, had never seen Sana this angry before. But the dimunitive percussionist understood the situation. Had she been in Sana's position, she would be equally as aggravated.  
  
Another hour later, Chaeyoung finished her own individual practice and was looking towards commuting home with Sana. She rounded the corner to the large practice room to find the lone hornist slant against the wall, eyelids dropped as she breathed heavily, occassionally snoring and whimpering. She's asleep, nestling her horn as if it were her teddy bear. Chaeyoung beamed at Sana's quiet beauty.  
  
Sana's music folder is lying on the ground, listless. Chaeyoung bent over to scoop it up before opening it slowly and smiling. Kopprasch's e _tudes_ , Nielsen's _Canto Serioso_ for horn and piano, excerpt from Wagner's _Lohengrin,_ Glière's _Horn Concerto,_ _Prelude from Act. III_ of Massenet's _Hérodiade_  — the folder's components are an array of horn pieces, sensitively cloaked by pristine sheet protectors. Sana's delicate handwriting weaved above and below the bars as well as to the margins of the paper. Chaeyoung read each and every one of them to herself.  
  
"Take a breath here, use flutter tonguing here, regard the _sforzando_ marking, play this softly as if you're carressing a child..."  
  
One the very last page of the horn concerto, there was a tiny note scrawled on the bottom right corner of the page:

**Aim for Juilliard :D**

_Oh my god_. Chaeyoung cupped her mouth with her hand. _Sana is auditioning for Juilliard._  
  
The bubbly, talkative, and highly emotive Sana Minatozaki is going to audition for freaking Juilliard — the most prestigious performing arts conservatory in the world. Even though Chaeyoung is currently the principal percussionist, she didn't feel confident enough to try out for an institution with such tremendous appetency, let alone think about Juilliard by itself. It's no wonder why Sana had become serious about her craft and in her leadership.  
  
_Sana is truly amazing._  
  
Chaeyoung wasn't set on stranding Sana in the concert hall. She snatched Sana's parka from the back of her chair and carefully lifted her horn from her hands, replacing it with the parka to act as her blanket. The percussionist then loosened her mouthpiece from the leadpipe and tucked it away in Sana's case, along with the full body of the horn itself. After locating a marimba cover from the storage room to use as her own personal blanket, Chaeyoung folded her coat into half and used it as a pillow.  
  
"At least you're working hard", Chaeyoung whispered to the sleeping hornist.

* * *

August 2017 — April 2018  
  
Light dazzled on the tall girl's golden hair as she flashed a smile at the audience sitting in front of her.   
  
Sana Minatozaki's eyes lit up at the scene — standing on the stage of the Davies' Symphony Hall and performing with the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra. This all occurred while a pool of children and their parents sat there watching her and her friends with rapt attention, wide-eyed as Park Jihyo introduced the cast of  _Peter and the Wolf_  in her typical boisterous, over-excited voice. Sana gets to play the role of the evil, nasty wolf along with two other horn players. However, this quirky girl put a spin on the whole menacing demanor of the wolf by wearing adorable dog ears.  
  
Sana took her bow and then sat down in her respective seat, tucking the lacy material of her black dress below her thighs. The children settled down, loud chatter diminishing to a soft whisper. She adjusted the mouthpiece to her lips and sucked in a deep breath.  
  
Sana couldn't wait for this performance to begin.  
  
During their last children's concert _,_ Chaeyoung listened closely as Sana progressed through the principal horn part with such ease. The percussionist could only do this when there weren't any bass drum cues for her.  
  
She held her breath with the horn's terrific reverb, she gripped her drumstick when her echoes clashed with the woodwinds and the strings, and she was very much on her tiptoes when her horn ripped through the wolf's ferocious phrases. It's just a children's song but Sana treated it with just as much respect and grandiosity as any orchestral piece deserved.  
  
For the past few months, combined with the inspiration from Sana's massive improvement, Chaeyoung has been taking care of the hornist and ensuring that she's in good health. For example, Chaeyoung would even come over to Sana's house just to wrap her up in a blanket and stow away her horn in its case (Sana's mom usually arrives home after Chaeyoung does the deed).  
  
If Sana were to miss a couple of school days, Chaeyoung would supplement her with class information and assignments after conversing with Jihyo, who is in a majority of Sana's classes. And on the days that Sana did come to school, she spent every lunch break and post-rehearsal with her horn, diligently practicing the audition pieces with intense concentration. In these instances, Chaeyoung will make lunch and dinner boxes for Sana since she doesn't spare time to prepare food herself. Sana would also ask Chaeyoung for honest feedback regarding her playing and if they're in the rehearsal area, the percussionist would join Sana in her practice sessions.    
  
Chaeyoung doesn't mind, though. She enjoyed the companionship, even if Sana's lips are strained and she can't talk. That's what sign language is for. Sana is proficient in it because she needs to communicate with her deaf mother and Chaeyoung has been studying the language for years, all in preparation for her deafness.  
  
" _You leave for New York tomorrow, right? For your audition?_ " Chaeyoung signed after laying down her mallets atop the marimba.  
  
Sana nodded with numb lips.  
  
" _You need to go home and rest then_ ", the percussionist adjured, " _You have to be at the airport early tomorrow_."   
  
The two girls gaped outside from the lucid glass walls of the lobby. There were barely any civilians wandering about at Civic Center and the Muni buses had begun to operate infrequently. Without any other youth orchestra members whispering in the halls or instruments sounding out, the nighttime scene at the Davies Symphony Hall proved to be an intimidating hangout.  
  
"Yeah... let's go home", Chaeyoung reinstated.  
  
"Sorry", Sana finally spoke, gathering her belongings and packing up, "I didn't mean to worry you. I wasn't keeping track of time."  
  
"You're going to do great. You've worked so hard for this and if Juilliard doesn't accept you then that's their loss."  
  
"It's okay, Chaeng", Sana assured in a soft-spoken voice, "I'm not doing this to gain Juilliard's approval, nor the rest of the hornists who are auditioning that day. I'm going to view the skill level of other musicians as well as challenge myself and gain some intense auditioning experience."

* * *

Tuesday: May 1, 2018  
  
Today is the day.  
  
Sana remembered the audition all too well, from her warm-up to the stiff panel of judges to the overhead lights intensifying the surface of her horn. The pieces came naturally and her fingers knew every single note, but she did deviate from each composer's intention. Not a single word was shared between Sana and the adjudicators except, "Thank you. We will try to keep in touch with you."  
  
And Sana's name was on the call-back list, along with Jihyo's and Mina's. The adjudicators, which were composed of faculty members, for the second cut told Sana the exact same words: "Thank you. We will try to keep in touch with you."  
  
She didn't think that they were interested in her.  
  
Now Sana and Chaeyoung are sitting in a circle at Golden Gate Park's Chinese Pavillion. Despite the shade provided by the rooftop, Chaeyoung could still feel the sun's rays firing on her forehead, beading with sweat as she eyed the numb hornist with such consolidation. Ducks and geese drifting Stow Lake mocked her imploring voice as she begged Sana to open the blue letter with Juilliard's logo inscribed on the front.  
  
"Open it!" the percussion demanded, "The longer we wait, the more anxious I become. And the more anxious Jihyo will become waiting for your text."  
  
"Why would Jihyo be nervous? She already got accepted into Juilliard", Sana snorted.  
  
That's right. Jihyo had received her acceptance letter the night before and Sana was met with overjoyed crying over the phone. Sana wasn't surprised because she had always known that Jihyo was a gifted musician. Such traits came with the violist's absolute ear.  
  
"So, Sana. Will you open the letter?" the percussionist tapped her fingers against the tabletop, impatient.  
  
"I— HEY!"  
  
"If you're not going to open it then I will!" Chaeyoung declared as she seized the ornate letter from Sana's fingertips, now unsealing the envelope and extracting the actual letter within it. She read all of its contents to herself in a low whisper.  
  
_Oh my god._  
  
"I didn't get in, right?" Sana assumed from reading Chaeyoung's shocked expression, "Oh well! Better luck ne—"  
  
"You did get in."  
  
Sana was still in a state of disbelief. Chaeyoung handed the letter over and told her to read it with her own eyes. The hornist sucked in a deep breath and bit her lip as her eyes frantically searched for the key word — Congratulations. It didn't take her very long to locate it.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sana, 

Congratulations! It gives me tremendous pleasure to inform you that the Juilliard Brass faculty and the Committee on Admissions have granted you admission to the **Classical Music - Bachelor of Music** program at The Juilliard School for the 2018-19 academic year. Enrollment at Juilliard is an opportunity to join a community of accomplished performing artists from around the world in an exciting and challenging education. We would like to extend to you every encouragement to join us in the fall.

 **Studio Assignment:**  
You have been tentatively assigned to study with Dr. Friedrich Scholz.

 **Financial Aid:**  
Information about how to access your financial aid award online will be e-mailed to you tomorrow. If you have any questions after receiving your financial aid information, please contact the Financial Aid Office. The phone number and e-mail address is on Juilliard's website. You may also visit the Financial Aid Office personally from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m.

 **Enrolling at Juilliard:**  
You will need to let Juilliard know your decision about where you will enroll in the fall by 7/6/2018. Your response, and a required $250 deposit if enrolling, may be submitted online through the website.

Do not hesitate to call the Admissions Office with any questions or concerns. We look forward to hearing from you and welcoming you to the Juilliard community! Thank you for auditioning and we hope to see you in the future.

Sincerely,   
Carolina Medina  
Associate Dean for Admissions

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I told y—"  
  
The percussionist lost her breath when she caught a leaping Sana in her arms.   
  
Chaeyoung tried to reiterate her point, "I told you that you can do it."  
  
Yoona's horn had become one with Sana now and she's playing it to its greatest capacity. All of the other hornists in Sana's section had the ability to read notes on a page and replicate it, but Sana was a different case. Her musicianship, artistic sensitivity, and unrelenting determination is what made her stand out. Chaeyoung saw an eternal light diffusing from not the sun's rays, but from the girl snuggling her.  
  
"I couldn't have done it without you", Sana's arms squeezed the small girl a fraction tighter. The yolk-looking sun hung higher without strings or supports, stretching its fingers across the sky blue canvas. Chaeyoung's breathing slowed, her body melting from the warmth of Sana's embrace.  
  
But like Sana said, she would've not been able to make this achievement without Chaeyoung's moral support. Chaeyoung had been surveying Sana all the way up until her audition in February, and then again after she returned to San Francisco from her live audition in New York City. They maintained this tradeoff of supporting each other even after Sana moved back to New York City to attend Juilliard.  
  
And just like Sana wanted to accomplish great things for Yoona, Chaeyoung wanted to accomplish great things for Sana.

* * *

August 2018 — May 2019  
  
After separation from Sana at SFO's security checkpoint, Chaeyoung immediately hit the ground running.  
  
Chaeyoung put aside her free time in favor of practicing — interminably, persistently. By following Sana's example, she knew that she didn't have time to waste. The comfort of video game consoles and bookshelves in her bedroom were replaced with the Davies Symphony Hall's storage room and the odd tools of a percussionist's trade: marimba, glockenspiel, xylophone, vibraphone, crotales, tubular bells, cowbell, snare drums, bass drum, timpani, tom-toms, gongs, cymbals, triangles, castenets, tambourines, and wood blocks.  
  
Percussion dictated Chaeyoung's life from day-in and day-out. If she didn't have a drum, she'd be beating sticks against school binders on the Muni bus. If she didn't have a tambourine, she'd tap on the surface of her desk as if it were its skin head. She'd even dream of percussion in her sleep.  
  
Sana learned of Chaeyoung's tough grind from one of the younger horn colleagues. Time and again, she'd text Chaeyoung to ask if she's okay. Chaeyoung's hands were usually too brittle to reply back. But she had hope that she was going to reunite with Sana in New York City soon.  
  
By the time her Juilliard audition came around the corner, Chaeyoung's hands were tattooed with bruises and skin started to peel off her knuckles.  
  
She smiled.  
  
Why? Because while she was so immersed in her practice, she forgot about her impending deafness. Each intense session trained Chaeyoung in how to feel the music within different parts of her body apart from her ears, starting from her toes to her fingertips.  
  
The judging panel still sported the same stale faces as Sana had explained, but that didn't stop Chaeyoung from carrying out the audition of her life. As she slowly picked up her sticks and crossed over the stage to the xylophone, she prepared for Kabalevsky's _Overture to Colas Bruegnon_ without twitching her wrists. A deluge of euphoria shot up her veins until she reached her final piece — Rimsky-Korsakov's _Scheherazade_ on the snare drum.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Chaeyoung, 

Congratulations! It gives me tremendous pleasure to inform you that the Juilliard Percussion faculty and the Committee on Admissions have granted you admission to the **Classical Music - Bachelor of Music** program at The Juilliard School for the 2019-20 academic year. Enrollment at Juilliard is an opportunity to join a community of accomplished performing artists from around the world in an exciting and challenging education. We would like to extend to you every encouragement to join us in the fall.

 **Studio Assignment:**  
You have been tentatively assigned to study with Dr. Maxmillian Dupré.

 **Financial Aid:**  
Information about how to access your financial aid award online will be e-mailed to you tomorrow. If you have any questions after receiving your financial aid information, please contact the Financial Aid Office. The phone number and e-mail address is on Juilliard's website. You may also visit the Financial Aid Office personally from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m.

 **Enrolling at Juilliard:**  
You will need to let Juilliard know your decision about where you will enroll in the fall by 7/5/2019. Your response, and a required $250 deposit if enrolling, may be submitted online through the website.

Do not hesitate to call the Admissions Office with any questions or concerns. We look forward to hearing from you and welcoming you to the Juilliard community! Thank you for auditioning and we hope to see you in the future.

Sincerely,   
Carolina Medina  
Associate Dean for Admissions

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I did it, Sana. I did it._

 


	40. sonata

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

_sonata_  
Origin: Italian  
A composition for an instrumental soloist, often with a piano accompaniment, typically in several movements with one or more in sonata form.  
  


**The Seventy-Sixth Measure**

Friday: July 16, 2021  
  
I still remember the day I first held a bassoon. My wrists were stinging from its sheer size and my fingers barely reached the toneholes. This contraption was so large that it took the lung capacity of an elephant to move air through the tube and squeak out a note. With that kind of a stretch, it made my classmates wonder what the hell was wrong with me when I transferred from clarinet over to bassoon.  
  
The bassoon is an extremely difficult instrument to learn. Memorizing the fingerings and scanning the fingering chart is comparable to cracking a complicated code. Crafting a double reed, which is responsible for the manipulation of sound in a bassoon, requires time commitment proportionate to that of an artisan. The pitch is affected by the way in which the reed is constructed, therefore its shape has a significant effect on the sound of the instrument. It's extremely delicate and irritable, and any factors such as the change in temperature or a small scratch can ruin the sound.  
  
Just like my cousin said, bassoonists settle for a lifetime of backseat accompaniment. Bassoonists are highly underappreciated because of their role as the supporting bass in an ensemble. Most people would rather marvel at the magnificance of a violin or the delicateness of a flute. Despite all the hard work and sacrifices that I have made to perfect my craft, I'll never be fully appreciated or acknowledged by my family nor The Six.  
  
So why did I chose an instrument as physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing as a bassoon?  
  
Learning the bassoon seems like a labor in itself, but the moment you choke up results, it's an ultimately satisfying feeling. Overcoming your problems and figuring things out gives you a sense of gratification. What's even more gratifying is discovering the beauty that the instrument holds within.   
  
Like every instrument, the bassoon upholds its own identity. In orchestral pieces, bassoons are often used to portray a wide range of expressions including apprehension, lamentation, distress, hardship, agony, and also more positive states like joy, playfulness, peace, gentleness, and lastly, courage. The bassoon is normally a low, soft-sounding instrument and is hard to distinguish in an large orchestral setting. But.when bassoons are given their chance to let its voice be heard, they sound beautiful and keep listeners on the verge of tears. Think of this as, well, an instrument's character development, yeah?   
  
We're defined by our struggles. I used to think that my hearing loss and my relationships would render me silenced, but actually, it did the opposite. Through my struggles, I learned to stand up for myself and create my own voice, even though I can't always hear my own voice.  
  
_Silent Sonata_ is about giving everyone their own voice, even if they feel that they've been silenced.  
  
With this performance, I intend to share what I've learned over the past few months. Let's begin.  
  
Even though I can't hear the notes like I used to, I can still feel the sounds from the soles of my feet to my brain. I believe that the first movement is supposed to be quiet, perhaps even somber. There are no complicated phrases or outrageous dynamics but this particular movement speaks of despondency. As I said, it's an anthem for those who are tackling hopelessness.   
  
The bassoon is supposed to be trembling, overlayed by the vibrating whimpers of a vibraphone.  
  
I used to think that I couldn't possibly do anything without my hearing. If I couldn't hear my own music, then I would've preferred to be dead. Chaeyoung thought the same way too. If she believed that she couldn't escape the bullying that others thrusted upon her for her disability, she would've preferred to be dead as well. It felt as though others wanted to silence us. Like Bona expressed back at the Queens Correctional Facility, why are we punishing people who we perceive as different and helpless, instead of seeking to understand and uplift them?  
  
The first movement of _Silent Sonata_ had been practiced religiously. My head jerked towards the percussionist and she gave the cue to delve into _pianissimo_. Chaeyoung and I had run through this movement many times in preparation for tonight, taking heed to every note and shaping them with the directions given to us. At that time, I had not become accustomed to my hearing loss and I feared that my musical intuition would fail me.   
  
I can see them — my parents, my relatives, the Six. It doesn't take their physical presence for my eyes to recognize them. Their eyes peer at the back of my head, suffocating me like pythons. Ever since the plan of shaping me into the world's most awarded musical prodigy was set into stone, I wasn't allowed to breathe. Our culture emphasizes collectivism and if I defied the orders and beliefs set by my elders, I would be shunned. If they found out about the posibility of me having a hearing disability, I'd become an outcast. I wasn't allowed to be different. I couldn't develop my own musical flair with each piece; I had to obey the laws and the lessons established by their composers.  
  
I could see visions of my parents tucking me in bed and playing a quiet duet together in the living room. I must have been five years-old, maybe six. Anyways, I don't remember. All I know is that in these times, they would actually be watching over me instead of retreating to drinking with their colleagues every night after New York Philharmonic rehearsals. I had to rely on them to take care of me because I couldn't take care of myself.  
  
Their song resurfaced in my head — Strauss's _Duet Concertino for Clarinet and Bassoon_. Mom and dad always played in perfect tandem, like an elegant waltz between the princess and the bear in Strauss's composition. At that point, I was dead-set in becoming the musician that my parents always wanted me to be. I was in love with their music and I figured that in order to play like them, I would have to give into their will. And indeed, my parents delivered. They installed a practice room in our penthouse, my dad gave me a free Heckel and free reeds, and they helped me make connections with the most distinguished musicians who would end up to be my bassoon instructors, The Six, and Seohyun, the composer of _Silent Sonata_.  
  
Oh, how naïve I was back then.  
  
It's difficult for me to acknowledge that there was once a time where my parents acted like real parents especially since over time, as they drank more and I became even better at playing the bassoon, they've grown to become more physically and emotionally abusive towards me.  
  
Suddenly, I feel demure. My scampering eyes briskly returned to the notes on the page and interpreted them as a different language: a bunch of black specks that were foreign to me. I had to close my eyes and calm down for a second, and then I remembered something.  
  
I don't need to follow sheet music or an instruction manual, just like I don't always need to obey the commands of others.   
  
The vibrations emanating from the percussionist's playing attracted my senses again. Chaeyoung is there to guide me when I feel lost.  
  
Her short solo is about to begin. Chaeyoung's body swayed side to side, forward and back, and then in circulation. Her bare feet shifts from left to right, never leaving the floor, keeping itself rooted so that she could "hear" her own music. She's nimble yet graceful, even in _Silent Sonata_ 's most melancholic movement. Even though my horrid past memories kept me in shock, Chaeyoung reminded me that we need to embrace the present. Like Chaeyoung, I need to keep myself rooted so that I don't get caught up in my nightmares and lose my way through the music.  
  
In the second movement, there's a feeling of peace. I let Chaeyoung set the tempo, nudging through playful phrases, then letting the bassoon reclaim its stage in gentle phrases. I closed my eyes and immersed myself in this silence.   
  
The word "silence" holds a negative connotation. You, or at least I, myself, think about others silencing us. Silence has made up my life even before I lost my hearing. The bassoon is not a domineering instrument and neither was my voice. From my childhood until today, I had let myself become submissive to my family and The Six, following their shadows instead of my own. I couldn't retaliate against them, not was I allowed to express my own opinions and feelings on matters, even matters of my own. I just did whatever I could to please them. It didn't matter if my health was at stake.  
  
And then came the day when I found out about my acoustic neuroma. I thought that it would be the end of my music career and I felt like dying.  But then I made new friends, most of whom are a part of the audience, listening (or feeling) the music closely.   
  
My eyes drifted towards the dark-haired girl in the red dress, enraptured from the sidelines. Sana isn't technically a new friend since we've been together throughout elementary and middle school, but I'm glad that we reunited. She's grown since the day she started learning the horn and I'm sure that she's going to portray her growth in her own performance.  
  
At a certain point, my eyes had to return to the stage. Chaeyoung tried to make eye contact with me, but her vision mainly resides on the metallic bars of the glockenspiel she had just switched to. Her notes lingered in my body, blending into chords that sung an uplifting song. As Chaeyoung played, I let the air knotted in my lungs unravel, my bassoon give tranquil nuances to the inspiriting glockenspiel.   
  
Chaeyoung — the small percussionist in the little white dress. I wish that I got to know her when I was given the chance, as I didn't get to establish a meaningful relationship with her until this year. She didn't only help me with my sign language skills and teach me how to "listen" to music through my other body parts. No, Chaeyoung taught me to revel in the near-silence that my acoustic neuroma brought upon me. Chaeyoung taught me how to find peace in misfortunes, light in times where I perceived darkness. Chaeyoung taught me how to truly listen.  
  
Proof of our harmonious exchange exhibited itself in our performance. Pure emotion bled from our very selves and eventually bursted out shamelessly from our respective instruments. I looked fondly at Chaeyoung while expanding my lungs and using that air to soar up to a high D, extending towards the celestial stage lights in the darkness of the concert hall.   
  
At last, the third movement. Silence transitioned from darkness and began to take the form of light. The moment Chaeyoung and I started to hit the notes, a deep connection developed between our polar instruments — her’s bright and whimsical, mine warm and placid. Seohyun’s unconventional piece just comes to show that even with the mallet percussion overlaying the soloist, the bassoon can still be distinct and sound beautiful. Even though the composer lays out directions in a piece, I don’t have to follow them.  
  
Even though I grew up in an authoritarian household, I can break free and develop my own style of playing. Even though the world tells me that I can’t pursue music because of my hearing loss, I don’t have to listen to them. Even though I can't hear anything, I can still play the bassoon. Growing up in silence taught me how to break it while at the same time, embrace it.  
  
Silence encompasses me now but I’m still standing on this stage, and so is Chaeyoung.   
  
We broke away from the scores on our music stands and focused on making raw, intuitive, unrestrained music. The _adagietto espressivo_ was executed as if we were exposed, yet unbothered despite the attentive critics in the audience. The liberating melodies that each of us paint expanded into a _crescendo_ so impassioned and so beautiful that words fail to form in the mouths of critics. Music is something that can transcend the boundaries of language.   
  
Now Chaeyoung and I are at the same tempo. This time I set it, yet she still manages to keep up with my pace.  
  
Now I can feel the music within me. I don't even have to rely on my ears.  
  
Now _Silent Sonata_ no longer belongs to the composer; it belongs to us.  
  
Now we aren't playing for the critics, nor the thousands of people laying their eyes on us, but for ourselves and the people we care about.  
  
Now the crowd is applauding, and I feel more alive than I've ever been. I can feel myself smiling for once.  
  
I'm breathing heavily and Chaeyoung's forehead is drenched with sweat. Her intense eyes meet mine, unwavering and untiring. No words have to be exchanged between the two of us because we've already spoken through our smiles, our song, and most importantly, our lives. I can't thank Chaeyoung enough for embarking on this emotional journey with me to find ourselves in the silence that surrounds us. 

* * *

**The Seventy-Seventh Measure**

_"I told you that you were going to do great!"_ Sana signed with a warm smile as Chaeyoung and I descended backstage. With her soft brown eyes glittering with tears, I could feel her bony hands run down my back as my dress allowed. She's slightly shaking.  
  
"You ready?" I asked her, still clutching to my bassoon.  
  
Sana nodded and released me from her embrace, still quivering.  _That girl._  I always believed that there were people in the world who don't get stage fright. Most of the time, not a hint of that fear would hit Sana in the head. But then I remembered that not too long ago, she broke down after performing for the president on live television. I'm praying that those bad memories don't resurface in her head when she performs tonight.  
  
"What are you nervous for? You're so talented." I said dumbfoundedly.  
  
Sana was signing at a speed that I can't handle. She really is _that_ nervous.   
  
I laid my bassoon on top of two chairs and used my fingers to raise the corners of Sana's lips, "Smile. You're going to do great!"  
  
"HEY! That's my line!" she exclaimed, swatting my wrists.  
  
A hilarious giggle escaped my lips as Sana grimaced, nearly dropping her horn whilst extracting it from her case. I never thought that I would unleash my giddy side so soon, specifically after walking offstage with sore lungs and an aching back after playing the bassoon for so long. I have to admit, similarly to _The Black Swan_ , I feel strangely relaxed after performing _Silent Sonata_. Must be the effect of the Royal Albert Hall.  
  
I had to put on my hearing aids again because Sana couldn't sign and hold her horn at the same time.  
  
"Are you sure that you're Mina Myoui?" Sana questioned with a pale face.  
  
I wanted to mess with her, "I _am_ the real Mina. What are you talking about?"  
  
We both laughed.  
  
Then as the BBC Symphony Orchestra began setting up onstage, she zipped over to Chaeyoung, who was heading towards the storage room to stow away the percussion equipment. The percussionist was so shocked by Sana's bear hug that her mallets fell to her toes. The hornist always wraps herself around the Chaeyoung affectionately, burying the small girl in her chest, her nose nuzzling the top of her head.  
  
She seems calm now. I hope that she doesn't crack and continues to stay true to herself during her performance.  
  
Once intermission was finished, a staff member ushered for Sana to stand by the sidelines. She put on her brave face and tucked her horn under her arm while promenading to the center stage, greeted by the audience, the accompanying BBC Symphony Orchestra, and of course, our roaring friends. Unlike me, Sana walked off like an elegant acrobat. A whiff of wind swept through the silk-like material of her haltered red dress as she shook hands with Sakari Oramo, the principal conductor of the BBC Symphony Orchestra. Composer Whitacre is standing behind me, nodding at Sana.  
  
Then the audience returned to their seats, the orchestra tuned, and the lights dimmed. The only light that was apparent was the spotlight illuminating the featured soloist, whose horn glistened like a knight's sword. The silence from mine and Chaeyoung's performance still screams out loud, but then the vibrations from the ensemble tickled my feet. Sana's performance had begun.  
  
Whitacre's _The Phoenix._  
  
There's no holding back from the start. The orchestra immediately dives into the piece with stupor and excitement. Her horn's aggressive yet playful voice sings into the depths of the Royal Albert Hall, all the way up to the ceiling like a flying phoenix. Sana's face lit up with every  _forte_ marking that was thrown at her. She loves this vibrancy, she loves raising her voice, and she loves being a bird in flight.    
  
I'm transported back to the time when Sana and I were children, carefree and naïve. She rebuilt a fraction of my missing childhood. After school, I'd lie to my parents about practicing my bassoon in the band room just to hang out with Sana for the day. Oh, how shy and apprehensive I was back then. Sana would always be the leader, introducing me to things like Studio Ghibli films and Pokémon and whatever the kids were into those days. She zipped from room to room like a squirrel, racking up gaming consoles, DVDs, and toys for the two of us to play with until my curfew hit.  
  
Just like the first movement of _The Phoenix_ , Sana herself is fast-paced and fun. Sure, she was spontaneously emotional at times (we all are) and definitely clumsy, I admittedly loved every second of her contagious laughter and dizzying yet fresh, bold excitement. At the end of our play dates, my frown would turn upside down.  
  
The concerto turns meek and depressing, and the phoenix dies in a show of flames and combustion. Sana moved away to San Francisco because of her father's work and I had no friends to hang out with after school (Until I reunited with The Six, but I'd rather not talk about them). I know that at one point during her life there, her father was shipped away to Syria and died there. I wasn't there to comfort her during her grieving and that upsets me.  
  
We both needed each other in those days. Her dad died and she experienced trials with her youth orchestra. I experienced trials with The Six and my family. I think the reason why Sana's thoughts about her father resurfaced today was because I told her that I didn't want to live, and Sana couldn't bear to lose anymore people in her life. There's probably another piece of information that I'm missing here. Maybe it relates to this concerto.  
  
Sana's nostalgic, yet pensive melody resounded severely throughout the ebony of London's skies. I haven't heard Sana play like this before. It's somber yet calming, heck reassuring. Sana is letting me know that even though we all have our own struggles, we're not alone.   
  
Sure the Phoenix can't recover its past life but then it obtains a new life after rising from the ashes, making it the epitome of rebirth. She started from the bottom and fought to attain the positions she holds now — a Juilliard student, principal player of two ensembles, and a concerto soloist standing on the stage of the esteemed Royal Albert Hall during the BBC Proms.  
  
And Sana did this with her _own_ music.  
  
I don't think I would've fallen back in love with music, stood up for myself and my friends, and kept on living if it wasn't for Sana's loyalty, warm heart, and her soulful playing. Sana refused to give into the whims of the composer; she made use of her musicality and manipulated a piece as if it she was its composer as opposed to its player. Just like her playing style and the courageous, heroic French horn in her hands, Sana showed me how to become a leader instead of a bystander.  
  
Soulful low notes ascended into the air, catching fire until it formed one intoxicating flame. I could feel Sana's spirits soaring as the piece lifted to its crescendo, keys pressed by her talented fingers, emphatic high notes supported by her strong breath and articulated by her skilled tongue. In between breaths, I could see her bright smile, the corners of her lips lifting up like a phoenix extending its wings. Sana will not let anything or anyone stop her from rising to the top of the world.   
  
And rise she shall.  
  
The irrepressible piece ended with an explosion of sound. I could feel them beneath my feet and running up my veins: a stomping timpani and a flurry of wings. Energetic strings kneaded skillfully together to support the solo horn's harmonic successions and fleeting runs. Sana is showcasing her virtuosic talents while enveloping the souls of spectators. It's normal for Sana to make improvisations, especially when she's on fire like this. My heart is pounding as her emotions played out. She's really letting herself go.  
  
Then came her horn's shrill yet resonant note, representing the phoenix's everlasting and impassioned flame. Sana exhaled loudly as she held out the note a measure too long, the only leftover sound deriving from her breathing alone. Her final note still reverberated into the silence.  
  
Like fireworks, the audience leaped up from their seats and erupted into applause. Sana's hands were still shaking, to the point where I felt that she was going to drop her horn. Conductor Sakari Oramo tenderly shook Sana's hand, then opened his arms to the rest of the BBC Symphony Orchestra members for their commemorative bow. Her performance may have been finished but I'm still in a shocked state. I can barely breathe.  
  
Sana settled her horn in her case and reached out to Chaeyoung first, pulling the smaller girl into her arms and squeezing her tight, perhaps to the point where Chaeyoung could feel Sana's heart. They exchanged some sign language that I couldn't catch, but I'm assuming it's complimentary.  
  
Just as I was about to disassemble my bassoon, Sana cut me off by yanking my arm and swamping me into her body with her arms. She's still shivering but it's the relieving kind of shivering — the one that sprouts up after giving a tremendous performance. Words need not tell how proud I am of Sana today. She found her own voice again after losing it. Better yet, she got to share it with the world.

* * *

**The Seventy-Eighth Measure**

"You three performed beautifully out there", Sunny flashed a spray of hydrangeas and roses for me backstage, Yuri following suit with two of the same bouquets for Sana and Chaeyoung, their youth orchestra allies. Then, Sunny rushed in one of her Berlin Philharmonic colleagues to take a group photo, bouquet in one hand and instrument in the other. Chaeyoung flinched and dropped her mallets at the camera's flashing light.  
  
While Sunny bickered with her colleague about her camera's functions, Yuri scooped us into a collective hug of nostalgic sentimentality.  
  
"I can't believe how much you all have grown over the past few years", she smiled over the three of us, almost in the same manner of a proud parent, "Sana and Chaeyoung with the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra, and then Mina with the Juilliard Orchestra. My babies have performed on the grandest stage in classical music history and I can't get over it!"  
  
"We're not babies anymore!" Sana laughed at her senior's mushy remark.  
  
"You're _my_ babies", Yuri restated intently before backpedaling into wistfulness again, "And you were Yoona's baby as well."  
  
"Yoona was watching you from above", Sunny quirked after picking up Chaeyoung's mallets for her, "She sent me a message from heaven saying that you used her horn well and that she doesn't regret giving it away to you in the slightest."  
  
The hornist was about to cry, but then another figure abruptly embraced her from behind.  
  
"M-Mom?" she squeaked out.   
  
Sana's mom retracted her arms, gave a brief hug to Sunny and Yuri, and then signed to her daughter, " _I'm so proud of you_."  
  
I couldn't understand the rest of their hand gestures, especially at the speed they were signing in, but I assumed that she was praising Sana's performance given her ecstatic facial expressions. Sana's mom did the same thing with Chaeyoung thereafter.  
  
Then she approached me, spinning me around like a doll until I felt delirious. She was trying to talk to me but I couldn't register her words because there was too much noise in the background, such as Sunny, Yuri, and Sana's yip-yapping. Chaeyoung is still composed as ever.   
  
Sana's mom resorted to using sign language but her vocabulary was so vast that I also couldn't catch most of the words that she was signing. So I gave her my phone number in case she wanted to text me as an alternative form of communication. 

**[Ms. Minatozaki] I noticed you playing barefoot on stage today.**

**[Mina Myoui] It's so I can feel the vibrations.**

**[Ms. Minatozaki] I wonder where you got that idea from.**

She released a little laugh before focusing on her phone.

**[Mina Myoui] You mentioned it at your seminar.**

**[Ms. Minatozaki] I know. I do recall seeing your face there, and I'm happy to see that you applied some of my methods to your performance.**

**[Mina Myoui] It wasn't easy at first. It took a lot of practice and I'm still learning.**

**[Ms. Minatozaki] Of course you're still learning! You're still a young kid, well, young adult to be exact. Oh, how I envy your talent and your youth. You're so young and yet you gave out one of the best performances I've seen during The Proms. I couldn't really hear your playing, of course, but I monitored your facial expressions and movements onstage. It seemed like you were having the time of your life.**

_My facial expressions?_  Shit. I'm never aware of what I look like when I perform onstage. Never once have I rewatched any of my past live performances, out of fear that I'll lose confidence in viewing how exaggerated I'd look while playing. I did a lot of self-reflection during _Silent Sonata_ so there's no doubt that my emotions would come through in my face.  
  
Sometimes, I still wonder if I'm hitting the right notes, like how I wonder if I'm doing the right things in life. That doesn't matter right now. I accomplished performing at the prestigious BBC Proms with very little hearing and I'm proud of myself. I don't think I've ever gained this much satisfaction and self-esteem from my own playing before today.

**[Ms. Minatozaki] I'd like to talk to you more, but we need to get to this restaurant that your private instructor placed reservations for.**

**[Mina Myoui] Where are we eating?**

**[Ms. Minatozaki] You'll see. You, me, and your friends are being treated there.**

The restaurant was barely a block away from the Royal Albert Hall. In fact, the restaurant that Dr. Cseszneky made reservations for is encased within the Royal Albert Hall. To be exact, it was on the same floor as the standing gallery.  
  
Most people sat inside the restaurant and listened to the live music that emanted from Minyoung's piano and Eunha's violin. Beethoven's [_Violin Sonata No. 9_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUWcyDEvsYA), also known as the _Kreutzer Sonata_ , has technical demands for both the pianist and the violinist, but the final movement had a joyous, celebratory ring to it. The diners sat back with their aged wine and reveled in the young musicians' harmonies.    
  
It had just occurred to me that Dr. Cseszneky and Sana's mom are close friends. In fact, Sana's father was an alumni at Juilliard and he graduated with his bachelor's degree on the same year of my private teacher. Both people were conversing about our performances for the night, all while Sana was translating their exchange back and forth, from spoken English to ASL and vice versa. Sana's mother was considering moving back to New York City and Dr. Cseszneky discussed the possibility of her getting a job as a voice instructor for the Evening Division adults with hearing loss.  
  
The nine of us are playing "Truth or Dare" again, this time in a place not so rundown as Dahyun and Tzuyu's apartment. Nayeon was forced to do the splits in front of five patrons that wandered about in the lobby, but little did Jeongyeon know that Nayeon can't do them at all so she ended up collapsing in the faces of wealthy, elderly English women, one of which was close to calling an ambulance.  
  
Momo had to say the first word that came to her head. She screamed out "Daddy!" while strolling through the gallery, not knowing that my private teacher was also roaming around that said gallery with his wife and kids.  
  
I don't remember the rest of the truths nor the dares. Everyone was talking and yelling all at once, to the point where hearing aids couldn't salvage me. The Royal Albert Hall's dome is boundless but their voices still trickle in my ears, just like how Chaeyoung's vibraphone trickled through my feet during the _Silent Sonata_ performance. I was about to turn off my hearing aids until Jihyo silenced the group.  
  
"Seohyun and Yuri want to talk to Mina?" Jihyo asked.  
  
"Y-Yes", Sunny panted, having to dart all the way from the gallery standing area to the restaurant.  
  
Soon I was dismissed from continuing their "Truth and Dare" game, which I found to be a huge relief for me. I needed a quieter space after a minute of ruckus.  
  
The gallery standing area proved to be a much calmer site with Prommers chatting about tonight's performance. Some personally went up to me with compliments and offers, an overload of emotions playing on their faces. This one Austrian woman, whose husband was deaf and died from pneumonia three days before their seventy-third anniversary, gave me a hug and told me that she felt peace within herself after my performance.  
  
I didn't want to release my arms from her.  
  
Even after I gave the old woman my regards, her hydrangea fragrance clung to my ivory dress. My mom's perfume also smells like hydrangeas.  
  
Inside one of the Grand Tier boxes, Yuri and Seohyun clinked their wine glasses with a suit jacket-clad man with a ring of white hair. I couldn't recognize him with his back facing towards me, but my hearing aids caught his deep voice thick with flattery.  
  
"Mina's here!" Yuri called out. Seohyun was also standing by her side, seemingly healthy. The cast on her arm from her bike injury had disappeared.  
  
"We were just talking about you, Mina", the pianist-slash-composer perked up before motioning the man next to her, "You know Adam Richards, right? The former principal bassoonist of the London Symphony Orchestra?"  
  
No wonder why I recognized that voice. I had the honor of taking a masterclass with him in high school, though he probably doesn't remember me. Despite only having picked up the bassoon at the age of eighteen, Adam Richards is a fine performer. Today, He's eighty-eight years-old with a teaching career at the Royal College of Music and an extensive discography under Deutsche Grammophon and Hyperion Records. However, his most noteworthy accomplishment was his service with the London Symphony Orchestra as their principal bassoonist for fifty-nine years.   
  
"Splendid performance tonight, darling", he applauded as he approached me with my own glass of wine, "Your playing has matured greatly since I last worked with you in... what was it? LaGuardia?"  
  
"Yup", I nodded, pinching the stem of my wine glass, "LaGuardia High School of Performing Arts."  
  
"I see that you're wearing hearing aids right now", he pinpointed, "Will you be wearing them all the time?"  
  
"No. I can't handle environments that are too loud, like people are talking all at once or if there's noise pollution in the subways", I laughed sheepishly, taking a sip of the wine. There's a tingling sensation at the tip of my tongue, sort of like pop rocks.  
  
"What about in a large orchestra setting?"  
  
"I'm not sure. I've only played in an orchestra once after my last surgery and I'm still not settled with the trombone section sitting behind me. I'm still anxious about whether an orchestral job is the right career choice for me after graduation."  
  
"But you passed the first round of London Symphony Orchestra audition for the principal bassoon position, didn't you?" Yuri inquired.  
  
_What the heck is she talking about?_  
  
I cocked my head, "Did I?"  
  
The three of them stared at me strikingly, as if someone's words flew over my head. Without a doubt, there must've been something that I missed. I don't remember receiving a word about who passed or not. If anything, remembrance of that dreaded New York Philharmonic audition that followed seemed to block any consciousness about my London Symphony Orchestra audition.  
  
"Maestro sent you an email two weeks ago", Adam Richards told me, "When was the last time you checked your inbox?"  
  
Ah, that's it. I haven't read any of my emails since I began my practice regiment for tonight's performance.  
  
I opened the Gmail application on my phone and swiped off random junk mail until I saw the London Symphony Orchestra's name in bolded text. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Dear Mina,  
  
I am pleased to inform you that among the hundreds of applicants, the London Symphony Orchestra has considered you for the second round of auditions for the position of principal bassoonist, succeeding Adam Richards. Attached below are the repertoire that we will be testing you on. It is imperative that you begin practicing as soon as you've reviewed the audition requirements.  
  
We can't wait to see you on November 9, 2021._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

They weren't wrong.  
  
"Now do you believe us?" Yuri asked. I was too stunned to respond.  
  
"See, Mina?' Adam Richards began, "Your deteriorating hearing didn't stop you, and the committee couldn't even tell that you were hard of hearing. We watched over one hundred auditions and you were among the nine people selected to advance to the second round."  
  
_Only nine bassoonists were considered for the second round?_ That's even less admittance compared to the New York Philharmonic. I'm absolutely sure that the bassoonists that I will be competing against are all going to be at the top of their game too. They're the cream of the crop.  
  
"Many of the London Symphony Orchestra members expressed interest in you, Mina", Seohyun imparted, sharing a jubilant smile as she toasted her glass with mine, "And you bet that the members were here watching your's and Chaeyoung's performance tonight. I'm actually glad that I let Chaeyoung play my original accompaniment part."  
  
"Percussion and bassoon is such an interesting combination. It adds such a young, ecstatic touch to the composition", Adam Richards remarked, "Mina, tell your percussionist friend that she has my regards too."   
  
"You should give yourself credit", I insisted to Seohyun, "You composed _Silent Sonata._ "  
  
She released a light laugh, "Oh, Mina. The players are what bring the piece to life. And you did, splendidly."   
  
"Oh! Well..." I faltered.  
  
"Mina, it's true!" Yuri smiled as big as her heart, "You really did give a great performance, and you do deserve to be considered as our next principal bassoonist. I'm actually part of the committee and I voted for you to advance to the second round."  
  
"I actually do hope that the orchestra selects you as my replacement", Adam Richards gives an idyllic nod, raising his glass, "Now go on and spend the rest of the night with your friends. Tell them about the good news!"  
  
After the hall was barren, the Crack Squad sneaked out food from the restaurant to dine atop of the Royal Albert Hall's grand stage, sort of in a picnic style. The fiberglass saucers drooping from above don't scare me anymore, and neither do the velvet-embedded seats that encircle the hall. I felt much more relaxed knowing that I've stood on this stage before as. I'm seeing how capable I am of passing auditions and sharing my music with thousands of spectators, even though I lost most of my hearing and will never regain it.   
  
"So what you and Seohyun and Yuri talk about?" Jeongyeon asked, "The Proms, Juilliard, London—"  
  
"Yeah! What did they tell you?" Dahyun disrupted.  
  
"Did they give you any advice about life after graduation?" Nayeon butt in.   
  
All of the sudden, many voices were coming from different directions. I cupped my ears with my hands, praying that they would stop. Even Chaeyoung seemed distressed despite not having a single comprehension of what they're saying.  
  
"You guys!" Sana voiced over the group, "Mina can't process your questions if you're all talking at once."  
  
_Thank you, Sana._  
  
"We're sorry, Mina", Jihyo said apologetically, "The first question was, what did you talk about with Seohyun and Yuri?"  
  
I situated myself in the circle between Sana and Chaeyoung, criss-crossing my legs, "Oh, nothing much! They just wanted to inform me that I passed the second round of London Symphony Orchestra auditions for the principal bassoon position."  
  
"Nothing much? Are you kidding me?" Dahyun raised her eyebrows, "You're literally one step closer to joining a professional orchestra."  
  
"And not just any orchestra, but the _London Symphony Orchestra_ ", Tzuyu emphasized, "They are ranked in the top five of Gramophone's World's Greatest Orchestras alongside the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, the Vienna Philharmonic, the Berlin Philharmonic, and the Royal Concertgebouw."  
  
With every compliment, my nervous giggle grew. At least through their whirlwind of voices, I can still communicate with Sana and Chaeyoung.  
  
" _I'm happy for you_ ", Chaeyoung signed ecstatically after Sana translated my words for her.  
  
" _Me too_ ", Sana added with a pinch to my cheek, " _You deserve it._ "  
  
On the other end of our circle, the elder members threw sideways glances at each other. The noise only fully settled down once Nayeon finished her chocolate and vanilla-flavored Battenberg cake. An air of thoughtful joviality filled the hall.  
  
"I think Mina's advancement is a sign that we need to step our game up", Nayeon playfully nudged the arms of Jeongyeon and Momo.  
  
"Yeah!" the violinist affirmed, "We graduates aren't just going to sit around and wait for opportunities to be handed to us."  
  
"What are you guys going to do once the rest of us go back to school?" Sana asked the trio of Juilliard graduates.  
  
Jeongyeon briefed the group about their upcoming plans, "The three of us have mainly been doing freelance work over the summer, and Nayeon just completed a festival. But once we won't have time to spend with you guys anymore, we're going to start looking around for vacant orchestra positions. It's going to be difficult, especially for me since timpani positions come once in a blue moon, but we're not going to give up."  
  
"We're also going to be giving instrumental lessons too. That way we have some source of income", Momo added, "Nayeon already has one student."  
  
"Really? Who?" Jihyo asked.  
  
Nayeon's cool eyes connected with the curious violist, "Sungyeon, Bona's daughter. She actually wants to learn the bassoon but the instrument is still too big for her to handle, so we're starting off small. At least she'll have a general idea of how woodwinds work."  
  
Sungyeon's situation reminded me of when I was younger. The bassoon wasn't my first instrument either; it was the clarinet.  
  
"Mina's impact", Nayeon laughed and another nervous giggle escaped from my lips.  
  
"Don't worry. We're not going to disappear from your lives forever", Jeongyeon promised, "I promise to visit the Pops Orchestra every now and then, especially since Jihyo, Sana, and Mina will be succeeding our positions. I'm curious of how our future will turn out."  
  
"First things first, we need more members", Jihyo stressed, rubbing her eyes.  
  
"And a new conductor", Sana added.  
  
"Oh, right. That too", the violist fretted.  
  
"Well if you guys need any assistance, you can always hit us up", Momo offered, "We should still be around the city."  
  
At some point during our meeting, one of the Royal Albert Hall security guards kicked us out of the premises because it had already been past concert hours. Before we left, she wanted to take a picture with me, Sana, and Chaeyoung because we were the performers for the night. I guess our concert dresses and instrument cases gave away our presence, but it benefitted us because she offered to pay for our taxi ride back to the hotel. _You three have performed so beautifully tonight, that you all deserve to be escorted back safely_ , is what she expressed before she sent us away.  
  
"Can you guys promise that even if we go our separate paths, that we will all still keep in contact with each other?" Chaeyoung cried out loud to the entire group, "I don't want to forget you guys. I can't think of living without you guys."  
  
" _Of course_ ", Jeongyeon signed back to the percussionist.  
  
" _We... We... won't leave_ ", Momo signed clumsily yet held a sincere face.

* * *

**The Seventy-Ninth Measure**

Wednesday: September 15, 2021  
  
It's been a year since the events of this story had begun.  
  
Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Momo, and most of the Pops Orchestra members have already graduated, leaving a lot of empty spaces to fill. But luckily, Jihyo discovered a good number of new applicants within the first week, some of whom I recognize.  
  
At the forms, Chaekyung and Sohee gave their forms to Sana. Both graduate students now, they wanted to join the Pops Orchestra to cultivate their ensemble-playing experience by exposing themselves to different genres of music — one that the Juilliard Orchestra doesn't offer.     
  
Somi personally turned in her application form to Jihyo during Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals. After leaving The Six, she wanted to surround herself with positive people who were passionate in their studies and genuinely enjoyed making music. The Pops Orchestra will definitely help her grow.  
  
Bona's application form was among the first few in the pile. Her decision to apply solely rose from the fact that she was inspired by our performances and wanted to take up a new skill for her own personal growth. She doesn't have a lot of background musical experience but she's enrolled in Evening Division music theory and ear training courses at Juilliard. Jeongyeon told her that Juilliard's Evening Division is open to learners of all ages and abilities, and thus she encouraged her to join the Pops Orchestra as well. Sana agreed to teach Bona how to play the French horn and in fact, she's more than delighted to share her love of French horn with a new friend.  
  
Additionally, Bona wanted to be in the same section as Xuan Yi.  
  
And speaking of Xuan Yi, her form was right under Bona's. Last year, she was the fourth chair hornist in the Juilliard Orchestra and as a result of seating placements, she's now two seats away from Sana, who managed to maintain her principal position. Xuan Yi actually begged Bona to join the Pops Orchestra, mainly because she didn't want to apply alone and sought the comfort of her girlfriend in a sea of unfamiliar faces.   
  
Bona isn't the only novice who is about to join the Pops Orchestra. Yeoreum and Seola plan to join too, though we're still waiting for their applications. Nayoung and Yoojung also expressed interest in the Pops Orchestra, perhaps because I always invite them to watch our performances. Without my knowledge, they've been taking music courses at their community college and are also enrolled in the same Evening Division classes as Bona. Chaeyoung is going to teach Yoojung about the art of percussion whereas Jihyo will tutor Nayoung in viola.   
  
"Eunice, Rena, Pinky, Mimi, Sally, Elly, Lucy, Daniel, Daehwi, Justin, Samuel..." I'm reading the names of the applicants out loud until my eyes fell on a particular name, "... Jennie Kim."  
  
Oh.  
  
According to Jennie's explanation, she wanted to improve herself and stop blaming others for her lack of development, whatever that means. I guess Jisoo wasn't wrong when she told me that Jennie had changed since she broke ties with Reina, but I need to see this change for myself. The good thing about Jennie, though, is that she has musical talent. The Pops Orchestra needs its share of experienced musicians since most of the recent applicants are beginners and non-music majors who need guidance.   
  
After reviewing each application, I opened my laptop and drew up rotational seating chart to examine how many seats needed to be filled. The strings, which are arguably the focus of the orchestra, are gravely lacking in numbers. The flutes and trumpet sections also need a musician or two.   
  
I then moved up to my section, the bassoon section, to find that there were only two members in the section — me and SinB. Among the new applicants, none of them are bassoonists or expressed interest in wanting to learn the bassoon. SinB can't be my second chair because her major prevents her from making time for rehearsals and her skills are still not quite up-to-par to be my second-hand. It would take a miraculous convention to reel in more members and we need a great deal of promotions, starting from the Student Activities Fair.   
  
Up to this day, I still reminisce about my first encounter with Momo. She was looking to recruit a bassoonist for the Pops Orchestra and I was reluctant to join. Now I'm the one in need of bassoonists.  
  
Suddenly, a Skype notification sprung up on the corner of my laptop screen. Apparently, Jisoo was trying to contact me.  
  
I turned on my hearing aids and slung my bassoon case over my shoulder, preparing to exit the library. Knowing Jisoo, her voice is going to fill up the entire room and there are people studying here (Yes, we study this early in the year. Some professors aren't too forgiving with assignments).  
  
"Where are you going?" Jihyo asked as I tucked my chair under the table. She was in the middle of filing application forms.  
  
"I have to take this call", I told her. It's been a while since I've talked to Jisoo and I needed to take a break from staring at an Excel sheet.  
  
Once I settled down in the first floor lounge area, upon a cushioned red couch, I called back Jisoo through a video call. Thankfully, it's quiet so my ears won't be overwhelmed. She answered immediately. Jisoo's appearance changed drastically compared to the last time we saw each other — from Prada and dangerous red hair to purple hair, PINK sweatpants ,and a sweatshirt from Victoria's Secret. She's probably still stuck in her state of senioritis since she graduated from MSM last year. Her newly dyed hair proved to be discernible with the red couch behind her—  
  
Wait.  
  
"Mina!" Jisoo sounded through the laptop and next to my left ear.   
  
"JESUS!" I screeched and she laughed at me.  
  
"You fool! I was sitting right next to you!" Jisoo bantered, carressing my cheeks before pinching them, "Why are you ignoring me? I Skype called you six times! You see, I didn't call your cellphone because I know you're hard-of-hearing and I didn't know whether you were wearing your hearing aids."   
  
I could feel my cheeks tinge red, "I... I've been busy."  
  
"Oh, shoot. It's your last year at Juilliard!" she declared enthusiastically, her fingers still pressing my cheeks, "Your life begins afterwards, huh? Will you be applying for Juilliard's graduate program like me?"  
  
"I... I don't know yet", I answered honestly, swatting her arms away from my face, "Anyways, why did you want to talk to me?"  
  
"Oh, you know. I just wanted to catch up with you", Jisoo smiled, "I've been meaning to talk to you during the BBC Proms but I could never find you. The fact that I couldn't use my phone in London didn't help either."  
  
Jisoo and I talked about a lot of things, ranging from reeds to the trees at Interlochen. It seems that Jisoo had also purchased a used bassoon from her friend at Eastman — a Heckel just like mine, except hers is a Crest while mine is a 41i. I also forgot to mention that Jisoo joined the Juilliard Orchestra and is acting as my assistant principal. She congratulated me on passing the first round of auditions for the London Symphony Orchestra, then proceeded to talk about my _Silent Sonata_ performance at the Proms. I will never forget that night.  
  
I know it sounds stupid that two months later, I'm still talking about _Silent Sonata_ , but that piece seriously speaks to me.  
  
"I think you played your best that night", Jisoo said.  
  
"I think so too."  
  
"Do you think I can play on that stage too?" she asked.  
  
I nodded, "You can."  
  
Jisoo set her bottle of orange juice aside, straightened up in the couch, and leaned her head on my shoulder, "Maybe we can both stand on the Proms stage together, just like we did in band camp."  
  
"You should've auditioned for the London Symphony Orchestra with me", I murmured.  
  
"Please, Mina. Only you have the capacity to become a principal player."  
  
"There's two vacant bassoon positions", I mentioned while readjusting one of my hearing aids, "Adam Richards retired and then one of the other LSO's bassoonists died from colon cancer last August. You still have time to submit an application."  
  
"That's very sad", she sulked at the news before watching me humorously picking at my ear, "Are you going to wear hearing aids all the time now?"  
  
"No", I shook my head, "I actually can't stand them sometimes. I remove them during orchestra rehearsals because we have sound shields installed in the practice space now. You know? The ones that protect the ears of woodwind players from the brass players. And besides, I think I can play just fine without my ears. I've done it during the commencement concert and the Proms, and I think that I can do it again."   
  
Jisoo smiled, " _Silent Sonata_ taught you that, huh?"  
  
"I guess you can say that."  
  
Speaking of the London Symphony Orchestra, the next round of auditions is approximately two months from now.  
  
Jisoo had to get to class so we each gave our regards and went our own ways.  
  
It became a habit to practice outside unless it was too chilly for my bassoon. Practice rooms were small and suffocating, kind of like a cage. I need to be free, I need to expose myself. No more cream-colored walls and carpeted floors; just me, my bassoon, and the fresh air outside.   
  
I made my way back to the Umpire Rock at Central Park, climbing on top of it, standing firmly with bassoon in hands. There's this exhilarating feeling of performing in open spaces especially when you've positioned yourself above the ground, overseeing every audience member, even if your audience consisted of pigeons or geese. I felt as though I was in the Royal Albert Hall again, sharing my thoughts and feelings through music.  
  
Kicking my ballet flats off, I wiggled my toes until I felt that my feet were fully planted. I turned off my hearing aids so that I could cancel out the chirping of cicadas from the deciduous trees. At this point, I've become more comfortable playing my bassoon without my hearing. The music may not come fully through my ears, but I can rely on my other body parts to do the "hearing."  
  
Smiling under the sun's burning gaze, I lifted the double reed to my lips and played a passage from the last movement of Sana's concerto, _The Phoenix_. A bassoon can't sing as powerfully as a horn, but it holds its own special power within its deep, reticent voice. Rising note after note beckoned questions of what's to come next.   
  
If there's one thing I'm going to change about myself compared to last year, it's that I'm not going to chicken out. I'm going to go out of my comfort zone and do everything in my power to get what I want. Shitty relationships and hearing loss won't be an impediment. Like the phoenix, I will rise...  
  
**_and I will continue this piece._**

* * *

** BONUS (Sana and Chaeyoung Part 5/5) **

Monday: September 9, 2019  
  
"Thank you for attending Juilliard's New Student Orientation! We welcome you to an exciting year at this prized institution!"  
  
Chaeyoung couldn't hear more than half of the information that was being projected at the college freshmen. After exiting the Alice Tully Hall, she jammed her brochure into her backpack, then cupped her ears from the blaring traffic and emphatic voices that New York City had to offer. Unfamiliar smells, unfamiliar sounds, and unfamiliar sights impeded the short girl's awareness. Soaring skyscrapers danced around ant-sized citizens, food carts could be seen almost everywhere, New Yorkers walked faster than she could run, and so on. Chaeyoung could've sworn that this city was five times bigger than San Francisco.   
  
Among the six percussionists that were granted admission into Juilliard, only Chaeyoung hailed from the West Coast. She couldn't recognize any familiar faces at the orientation, aside from Jeongyeon who is her cousin and is only there to act as a quintessential tour guide for the new students. Chaeyoung garnered news from her mother that Jeongyeon found a girlfriend after moving to Brooklyn. Hirai, was it?  
  
She made two new friends during an ice-breaker activity at the orientation. The first girl was named Chou Tzuyu, a calm cellist who exuded the aura of a princess. Chaeyoung mistakened her as an upperclassmen in the dance division. The second girl was her best friend, Kim Dahyun, an excitable double bassist who likes chocolate and can't settle on a single hair color. With her gargantuan instrument case on the small girl's back, it's easy for one to misconstrue her as a middle school concert band student.    
  
"Chaeyoung!" Dahyun called for the thirteenth time, "Are you going to walk around the campus with me and Chewy or not?"  
  
"Coming!" she shouted while running.  
  
There's a certain hallway in the Irene Diamond Building that displayed a row of noteworthy alumni through pictures and a tiny description box beneath the frame, almost like an art gallery except none of the musicians have been arranged in alphabetical nor chronological order. Chaeyoung recognized a majority of faces in the musician's corner, such as Nina Simone, Leon Milo, Itzhak Perlman, Midori Goto, Sarah Chang, Philip Glass, Emanuel Ax, Yo-Yo Ma, and John Williams. But there was one frame that she didn't skim through.  
  
Sandwiched in between Mancini and Whitacre's portrait was a man with horn-rimmed glasses and a dorky grin. Some of his features were similiar to—  
  
Wait.

_Nicknamed 'The Phoenix' by the students for his undying courage and fiery passion for music, Minatozaki was like a walking ball of life. His life was only so short-lived but it seemed as though he lived for a hundred years. His gallant smile still lives in our hearts._

_Her father attended Juilliard._

"Mr. Minatozaki, eh?"  
  
Chaeyoung whipped her head around at the voice behind her. He was tall and incredibly handsome; almost like a Ryan Gosling lookalike. She recognized the man as Dr. Cseszneky, a bassoon instructor at Juilliard and the second-chair bassoonist of the New York Philharmonic.  
  
"We graduated from Juilliard on the same year", he continued with a hint of nostalgia in his tone of voice, "Minatozaki and I were members of Juilliard's Wind Orchestra when the guy next to him, Whitacre, was the conductor. Whitacre actually granted Minatozaki the nickname of 'The Phoenix' because even though he was tired or stressed, he'd still stand firm while blowing his horn at dusk. He loved music, his wife, and his friends so much. Minatozaki motivated me to pursue my doctorate and audition for the New York Philharmonic."  
  
"Dr. Cseszneky", Chaeyoung looked up at him, "Why did he join the military?"  
  
The instructor sighed, "Even if one graduates from Juilliard, they're not guaranteed success in their field. I don't know how students view Juilliard today, but back then it was a paradox of some sorts. You're encouraged to be expressive, creative, and innovative in your craft but at the same time, the workload does not give you time to explore yourself and you're forced to abide to the strict demands of the instructors, or else you fail."  
  
The percussionist murmured, "That's really sad."  
  
"I agree", Dr, Cseszneky nodded, "Minatozaki was bouncing from job to job under increasing financial pressure as he still had loans to pay off. For his side of the family, the military is a family trade. Minatozaki's father, grandfather, and brothers served in the army and were quite disappointed when they learned that he wanted to become a hornist. His father made a deal with him that if he couldn't find a job with his horn performance degree for two years after graduating from Juilliard, he'd have to enlist."    
  
Chaeyoung wasn't sure how to respond. The whole 'collectivity and obeying your elders' mentality that roamed within most Asian families was not something new to Chaeyoung, even though her own parents don't submit to that mindset. But the thought of Sana's father's death is what disconcerted her. Had he not been urged to enlist by his family members, the chances of him remaining alive would've been greater.    
  
"Anyways, creative restriction is not what I want for my students, and President Polisi agrees", Dr. Cseszneky's words brought Chaeyoung back to her inquisitivity, "Mina Myoui is a gifted musician and her skills surpass my other students, even the upperclassmen and the graduate students, but she has extreme stage anxiety and a fear of expressing herself."  
  
_Holy— Did he just mention Mina?_  
  
"My ideals clash with her parents. Her father is my section principal in the New York Philharmonic and oftentimes he has too much of a drink to handle. Same goes for her mother. I never figured out where their habits derived from, but I'm usually the one that ends up driving them home."  
  
"You're a really good instructor, you know that?" Chaeyoung told him.  
  
"The Rate-my-professor-dot-com reviews don't lie but thank you, freshman. That means a lot", he smiled warmly, "You know what? Speaking of Minatozaki, his daughter is actually a student here. I was at her call-back and her performance was absolutely beautiful. I might've teared up one or two times while gauging her audition. Reminded me of her dad. She got accepted here for a reason."  
  
"I feel like I'm surrounded by talent all the time", she fretted, "I don't know if I'll measure up to the other students here."  
  
"It's easy to feel inferior when you're accepted into an amazing music school such as this one, but you need to remind yourself that you are special", Dr. Cseszneky placed a hand on Chaeyoung's shoulder and shook it meaningfully, "Just like that Minatozaki kid, you got accepted here for a reason."  
  
"Sana! Minatozaki Sana!" she exclaimed and it startled Mina's bassoon instructor, "I need to find Sana!"

* * *

Dahyun and Tzuyu were gone by the time Chaeyoung exited the new gallery hallway. It was getting late and Sana wasn't replying to any of her texts. Chaeyoung couldn't figure out a singular place on campus where Sana would be hanging around. All ninety-eight practice rooms weren't in operation, the library and classrooms were locked, and not a single soul could echoed in the student lounge nor the June Noble Larkin lobby.  
  
If Chaeyoung thought that San Francisco at night was horrifying, New York City's night scene was even more frightening. The Lincoln Center was at its darkest. There were no concerts in any venues, therefore all the lights were switched off to conserve energy. Chaeyoung's only source of light derived from the street lamps, the cars, and the fountain smack in the middle of the center.   
  
The percussionist wordlessly sank to the concrete floor, cold and exhausted from sprinting all over campus. She considered going home and trying again tomorrow.  
  
*bing*  
  
_A text?_

**[Yoo Jeongyeon] Hey cuz, are you still on campus?**

She texted away, rapidly.

**[Son Chaeyoung] Yeah. Can you come pick me up? It's dark.**

**[Yoo Jeongyeon] Actually, I was wondering if you could come to me. We need more members for the Pops Orchestra.**

_Juilliard has a Pops Orchestra?_

**[Yoo Jeongyeon] It's a new ensemble. We had our inaugural season last year and most of the members graduated. We specialize in playing pieces outside of the typical classical music repertoire including movie soundtracks, video game OSTs, pop music — you name it. We're accepted all majors at Juilliard since some non-music majors want to branch out and participate in other activities as a stress reliever.**

**[Son Chaeyoung] I'm interested. Where do I go?**

**[Yoo Jeongyeon] We're at the Alice Tully Hall, where you had your orientation. I'll introduce you to my friends.**

_It wouldn't hurt to make new friends, right? Connections are important afterall._  
  
She has an affinity for video games and all that jazz, so she figured that the Pops Orchestra might make the perfect home for her. The Juilliard Orchestra can wait since mainly upperclassmen and graduate students comprise of the orchestra's student body.  
  
Chaeyoung picked herself up the ground before speedwalking down Broadway to the venue. When she hastily shut the doors to the lobby, she was introduced to a bunch of music majors and non-music majors milling around with enough food to go around. Jeongyeon was clinking glasses with a friend when Chaeyoung fell into the latter girl's line of sight. She dropped her glass and pounced at the smaller girl.  
  
"NEW MEMBER?" she let out a short, high cry. Chaeyoung awkwardly embraced her, suffocating in such close proximity to her... well... big heart.  
  
"Oh Chaeng, you're here!" Jeongyeon exclaimed as she yanked the other girl away by her shirt collar, "This is Momo Hirai, a fierce violinist and my girlfriend. We've been close friends since I first moved to New York."  
  
"We live in the same apartment", Momo added, flipping her hair back from her face.  
  
_She's hot.  
  
Wait, snap out of it! You need to find Sana._  
  
It took Chaeyoung a moment of resolution in order to ask a question to the upperclassmen, "Have you guys seen Sa—"  
  
"You're a percussionist, right?" Momo interrupted, "That's great! We've been having a shortage of percussionists, and cellists, and double bassists, and bassoonists, and—"  
  
"We'll find more string players and we have enough bassoonists! Yerin brought in her girlfriend, remember?" Jihyo butt in. She wasn't about to let Momo reveal the plunging state of the Pops Orchestra.  
  
"Oh, right! Hwang Eun— I mean, SinB!" the violinist stumbled upon names.  
  
_Tzuyu is a cellist and Dahyun is a double bassist. Maybe I should invite them to join_ , Chaeyoung thought.  
  
"So you're looking for Sana, right?" Jihyo recalled and it relieved Chaeyoung, "Wait here. I'll go get her."  
  
_Sana is here?_  
  
Chaeyoung exhibited a far-reaching grin after taking a sip of apple cider, cells firing excitedly like the carbonated bubbles touching her tongue. She hadn't seen Sana for more than a year. Sana texted Chaeyoung more sparingly due to her concentration in her horn studies, especially when finals/jury season arrived. She couldn't return to San Francisco during winter or summer vacations because she would either be participaing in music festivals or performing according to the Pops Orchestra's agenda.  
  
Scanning the lobby with her very two eyes, Chaeyoung perceived something. Incredible singers and instrumentalists, brilliant actors, and phenomenal dancers — she's surrounded by excellence, a vacuum of talent. Almost everyone knew each other. The Pops Orchestra members were exchanging conversations about their summer break, their activities including but not limited to music festivals, competitions, intensives, plays, choreographing, performance outreach, and traveling to Europe. Heck, one drama major was offered a part-time acting job on _Sesame Street_.  
  
Chaeyoung wondered, maybe even fretted about her relationship with Sana since she relocated to New York City. She probably improved her playing in extraordinary lengths, she probably has a new circle of friends, she might not even recognize Chaeyoung. The percussionist had chopped off a couple of inches of her hair after Sana left, the tips barely reaching her shoulders.  
  
Sana might've moved on from Ch—  
  
"Chaeyoung!" that voice was a clarion call, reminding Chaeyoung of the severe sound of a horn crying over all instruments.  
  
Sana Minatozaki.  
  
The two girls hugged in reunion, like fitting two missing puzzle pieces together. Chaeyoung is frozen, thrilled and emotional with the entwining of Sana's arms around her. Sana's fingers raked through Chaeyoung's hair as she pulled the small girl into her chest. Being reunited with her best friend and basting in her warmth moved Chaeyoung to teats. They came to the realization that their mutual support since day one had worked and that they're no longer on the opposite sides of the country. A hug was an exchange of triumph between the two girls.  
  
They did it. Sana and Chaeyoung are both officially students at Juilliard.


	41. Author's Note + Announcements!

What do you guys think of the last chapter? We're aware that it took a long time to conceive. Writing those scenes was harder than we thought and life decided to hit the both of us within those months of writing, so we apologize for taking so long to release the final chapter >< We hope it was worth the wait, though. The title of Sana's concerto was created by [IndianaMinaFan](https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1428607), who also conceived the crackfic [Of Reeds and Lube](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1241677/of-reeds-and-lube-crackfic-mina-2na-sana-twice), which is a spinoff of SS (Check it out if you need a break from the angst). You can also follow this author on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/IndianaMinaFan).   
  
We made it! It's been approximately more than a year since the beginning of  _Silent Sonata_.  
  
Thank you guys for enduring every single chapter alongside the immense word count that each chapter contained. We like to think of each chapter as an episode to a TV series hence the longevity. Apologies for the fluctuation of emotions you guys probably have undergone during this rollercoaster of a fanfic. One of our goals was to evoke the emotions, but most importantly we aimed to educate and spread awareness about certain topics. So give yourselves a round of applause for keeping an open mind and taking the journey to learn (or relearn) something new about people and the world that we live in.   
  
I (Minariina/SunnyBunny023), with the original intent of sharing my late friend's story and spreading awareness, learned more about the Deaf/HoH community through research and working with MitangMan, my co-author. He's such a wonderful person to work with and I do not regret making the choice of hiring him as a co-author at all. He inspired me to take initiative and bring my goal of dismantling discrimination beyond fanfiction writing. Wanting to empower people with disabilities, I am currently volunteering at a daycare where I'm communicating with children who encompass different learning disabilities, including those with hearing loss. I tell them that they are worthy of love and that they're a lot stronger than people make them out to be.  
  
I (MitangMan) accepted the position of co-author after being so enamored by the premise of _Silent Sonata_ and SunnyBunny023's ambition to spread awareness as opposed to simply using hearing loss as an angst mechanism. I was inspired by the message in  _Silent Sonata_ that I achieved newfound confidence within my own hearing loss. I didn't think that I would be able to pursue a music degree because of my disability but after reading and working on  _Silent Sonata_ , I've switched majors and am now majoring in music education and learning how to play many instruments (including the bassoon and horn, percussion has been my primary). When I become a music teacher, I will not only teach people how to play instruments, but I will also teach them how to overcome hardships whether it'd be a physical or psychological form of hardship.   
  
Thank you guys for your kind comments and feedback. We appreciate your responses and are always striving to improve not only in our writing, but in ourselves as well. 

 

WAIT.  
  
Did you think we were done?  
  
Because of the reception that Silent Sonata is receiving from fans on our fanfiction and social media platforms, we've decided to make a second season! We haven't quite settled on how long it would be but there are going to be not two, but  **three**  arcs. There are still stories that need to be told and issues that need to be addressed hence why we decided to go forward with the decision of a second season. The first chapter is already in the works and we're aiming for a release on January 2018. We'll also give a sneak peak pretty soon. Keep an eye out for it!

Again, thank you guys for your undying love and support. You all are the reason why we continue to write and enrich our lives. We don't regret any second pouring our hearts out into this fic and entertaining the readers. If you want to spazz about  _Silent Sonata_ or just talk to us in general, please don't hesitate to reach out to us.   
  
Take care and we'll see you guys later!!!

 


	42. Glossary of Terms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello my lovelies ^_^ Sorry for your disappointment but this is not a chapter update. I didn't change the plot at all, but I'm planning on adding definitions to the musical terms in this box. I've realized that not all of you guys are familiar with classical music so I will provide definitions to any unfamiliar terms here and past chapters. I wouldn't want all of you to go through the trouble of having to look them up on the internet while you're reading my story. I'd like to thank one of my readers, chom_poo9, for making me self-aware about this and I promise to work hard to improve everyone's reading experiences. Let me know in the comments below about your thoughts or if you have any questions or if I need to add more definitions to make things clearer. This list will be updated constantly.
> 
> UPDATE: Terms pertaining to Deaf culture and medical conditions will be added by MitangMan

**A**

Acoustic Neuroma — Acoustic neuroma is an uncommon, noncancerous (benign) and usually slow-growing tumor that develops on the main nerve leading from your inner ear to your brain. Because branches of this nerve directly influence your balance and hearing, pressure from an acoustic neuroma can cause hearing loss, ringing in your ear and unsteadiness.

ARD International Music Competition — The ARD International Music Competition (German: Internationaler Musikwettbewerb der ARD) is the largest international classical music competition in Germany. It is held once a year in Munich.

Adagietto — Rather slow, yet faster than an  _adagio._

Allegro — Cheerful or brisk, but commonly interpreted as lively or fast.

Arpeggio — An arpeggio is a type of "broken chord" where the notes comprising a chord are played or sung in a rising or descending order. An arpeggio may also span more than one octave. The word "arpeggio" comes from the Italian word "arpeggiare", which means "to play on a harp".

Articulation — In music, articulation refers to the direction or performance technique which affects the transition or continuity on a single note or between multiple notes or sounds.

American Sign Language (ASL) — A natural language that serves as the predominant sign language of Deaf communities in the United States. Many people believe that only Deaf people use ASL (or other sign languages), but many hard of hearing people also use sign language as well. ASL uses hand shapes, positions, movements, facial expressions, and body movements to convey meaning. ASL uses an alphabet (finger spelling), sign representing ideas, and gestures. ASL is an independent language that has its own grammar and syntax; it is not simply a manual version of English.

 **Important Note:** The syntax for ASL (American Signed Language) and English are different, so therefore they are not the same language. Just because the words are italicized using the English syntax does not mean that ASL users utilize this sentence structure in signing (For example, you say "I am going home" in English. but in ASL it is formatted as "ME GO HOME"). Proper nouns (e.g. Mina, Chaeyoung, Beethoven, Oreos, etc.) and other words (e.g. Happy Hour) are finger-spelled, meaning that they spell out the words with the sign for each letter.

Audiologist — A health care professional who is trained to evaluate hearing loss and related disorders, including balance (vestibular) disorders and tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and to rehabilitate individuals with hearing loss and related disorders.

Aural Skills — Ear training or aural skills is a skill by which musicians learn to identify, solely by hearing, pitches, intervals, melody, chords, rhythms, and other basic elements of music.

  
**B**

Bassoon — Also known as a _fagott_ , the bassoon is a tall, double-reed woodwind instrument and is one of the lowest-pitched instruments in the woodwind family. The bassoon is known for its warm, dark, reedy timbre. Bassoons can be extremely expressive as solo instruments and their warm vibrato enables them to sound human. Listeners often compare its sound to that of a male baritone voice. Folded upon itself, the bassoon stands 1.34 m (4 ft 5 in) tall, but the total sounding length is 2.54 m (8 ft 4 in). Known bassoonists in this story include  **Mina Myoui, Mina's father, Kim Mingyu, Joshua Hong, Hansol Vernon Choi, Jung Yerin, Park Jinyoung (Junior), Hwang Eunbi (SinB), Kim Jisoo,** and **Mina's private teacher, Mr. Kevin Cseszneky.**

Bass Drum — A bass drum is a large drum that produces a note of low definite or indefinite pitch. The type usually seen or heard in orchestral, ensemble or concert band music is the orchestral, or concert bass drum. It is the largest drum of the orchestra.

Basso Continuo — Continuous bass, used especially during the Baroque Period

Baton — A baton is a stick that is used by conductors primarily to enlarge and enhance the manual and bodily movements associated with directing an ensemble of musicians.

Bell \- the upper joint of a bassoon.

Bocal \- In some double reed instruments, the bocal connects the reed to the rest of the instrument. Bocals can be made from a variety of metals, including nickel silver, brass, sterling silver, or even gold, and are covered at the lower end with a cork sleeve, allowing the bocal to fit tightly in the socket at the top of the instrument.

Bocca chiusa — Closed mouth i.e. wordless humming.

Boot Joint \- the joint at the bottom of the bassoon and folding over on itself. The tenor and bass joints are joined here.

Bow — In music, a bow is moved across some part of a musical instrument, causing vibration which the instrument emits as sound. The vast majority of bows are used with string instruments, most notably the violin, viola, cello, and double bass.

Brillante \- Brilliantly, with sparkle.

  
**C**

Cadenza — A virtuoso solo passage inserted into a movement in a concerto or another work, typically near the end.

Cambiare — To change.

Cantando \- In a singing style. In instrumental music, a style of playing that imitates the way the human voice might express the music, with a measured tempo and flexible, legato.

Cello \- The cello or _violoncello_ is a bowed string instrument with four strings tuned in perfect fifths. The strings from low to high are generally tuned to C2, G2, D3 and A3, an octave lower than the viola. The cellos are a critical part of orchestral music; all symphonic works involve the cello section, and many pieces require cello soli or solos. Much of the time, cellos provide part of the harmony for the orchestra. Often, the cello section plays the melody for a brief period, before returning to the harmony. The only known cellists so far are  **Chou Tzuyu and Kim Sojung (Sowon).**

Chromatic \- often refers to structures derived from the chromatic scale, which consists of all semitones.

Chord \- In music, a chord is three or more notes that combine harmoniously.

Circular breathing \- a wind instrument technique that allows the player to sustain a tone for an extended period of time. This is accomplished by storing air in the mouth (inflating the cheeks) and using this reservoir of air to inhale through the nose while air is still coming out the mouth.

Clarinet — A family of woodwind instruments. The clarinet has a wide range and is versatile in the sense that it could be used in a wide variety of ensembles such as in an orchestra, concert bands, military bands, jazz bands, etc. Many beginners start off with the most common type of clarinet, which is pitched in B-Flat or Bb, before branching out to other instruments if they wish. Other common clarinets include the Eb and the Bass. Known clarinetists include  **Im Nayeon, Mina's mother, Shori Satou, Jeon Somi, Jennie Kim, Kwon Yuri, and (formerly) Mina, Sana, and SinB.**

Clef — A clef is a musical symbol used to indicate the pitch of written notes. Placed on one of the lines at the beginning of the stave, it indicates the name and pitch of the notes on that line. This line serves as a reference point by which the names of the notes on any other line or space of the stave may be determined. Only one clef that references a note in a space rather than on a line has ever been used. There are three types of clef used in modern music notation: F, C, and G. In modern music, only four clefs are used regularly: the treble clef, the bass clef, the alto clef, and the tenor clef. Of these, the treble and bass clefs are by far the most common.

Cochlear Implant (CI) — A Cochlear Implant is a device that can be surgically implanted into a person's cochlea to stimulate it to cause hearing. It consists of a tiny receiver which is placed under the skin in the bony part behind the ear. (Note that CIs are not merely miracle devices that magically cure deafness. A cochlear implant does not cure deafness or hearing impairment). There is also widespread controversy about the implementation of CIs (mainly within children) within the Deaf community, as some believe that CIs are an offense to the Deaf culture in that the hearing majority is threatening the minority and forcing the Deaf to assimilate to hearing culture.

Coda — A term used in music primarily to designate a passage that brings a piece (or a movement) to an end.

Colorguard — Color guard uses various equipment, such as flags, rifles, and sabres, along with dance, to express dynamic passages in the music accompanying the marching band show or winterguard show. Usually marching bands and color guards perform during football games at halftime, out of tradition. During marching band competitions, the guard adds to the overall score of the band and is also judged in a category usually called auxiliary. Winterguard competitions are very similar to marching band competitions.  **SinB**  has been a color guard before.

Composition — Musical composition can refer to an original piece of music, either a song or an instrumental music piece, the structure of a musical piece, or the process of creating or writing a new song or piece of music. People who create new compositions are called composers in classical music.

Concerto — A musical composition for a solo instrument or instruments accompanied by an orchestra, especially of one conceived on a relatively large scale.

Con fuoco \- with fire, in a fiery manner.

Cor Anglais — The cor anglais or English horn in North America, is a double-reed woodwind instrument in the oboe family. It is approximately one and a half times the length of an oboe. The only known cor anglais player in the story are **Shuuka and Karen Fujii's mother.**

Corrente — Running

Concert Band — Also called symphonic band, wind ensemble, wind orchestra, etc. Concert bands are performing ensembles consisting of members of the woodwind, brass, and percussion families of instruments, along with the double bass. Many schools have these types of bands at varying levels. School bands vary in size and instrumentation, depending on the number of students, and the versatility and virtuosity of the players.

Concertmaster — The Concertmaster or Concertmistress is the second-most significant person in an orchestra, symphonic band or other musical ensemble after the conductor or director. In many concert bands, the principal clarinetist is the equivalent of the concertmaster/concertmistress in a symphony orchestra. They are second in-command in an orchestra after the conductor, and are typically ranked highest out of all the section principals in terms of group pecking order. The concertmaster is recognized with a separate stage entrance, during which they bow to the audience and shake the conductor's hand. **Kai (Kim Jongin)** and **Reina Washio** are the concertmaster and assistant concertmistress of the Juilliard Orchestra respectively. **Jackson Wang** and **Jung Eunbi (Eunha)** are the concertmaster and assistant concertmistress of the Juilliard Pops Orchestra respectively.

Concerto — A musical composition for a solo instrument or instruments accompanied by an orchestra, especially one conceived on a large scale.

Contrabassoon \- The contrabassoon, also known as the double bassoon, is a larger version of the bassoon, sounding an octave lower. Its technique is similar to its smaller cousin, with a few notable differences. **Wen Junhui (Jun)** and **Mark Tuan** play the contrabassoon.

Crescendo \- A crescendo is a way for composers to indicate that a passage of music should gradually increase in loudness over time (opposite of a decrease in volume which is described as a 'decrescendo'). It is also used in non-musical context to describe any situation in which volume is increasing.

Crotales — Crotales, sometimes called antique cymbals, are percussion instruments consisting of small, tuned bronze or brass disks. However, they may also be played by striking two disks together in the same manner as finger cymbals, or by bowing. Their sound is rather like a small tuned bell, only with a much brighter sound, and a much longer resonance. Like tuned finger cymbals, crotales are thicker and larger; they also have slight grooves in them which give their sound more sparkle.

Cuivré — Brassy. Used almost exclusively as a French Horn technique to indicate a forced, rough tone. A note marked both stopped and loud will be cuivré automatically.

Cymbals — A cymbal is a common percussion instrument. Cymbals are used in many ensembles ranging from the orchestra, percussion ensembles, jazz bands, heavy metal bands, and marching groups. Orchestral **crash cymbals** are traditionally used in pairs, each one having a strap set in the bell of the cymbal by which they are held. Such a pair is always known as crash cymbals or plates. Another use of cymbals is the **suspended cymbal**. This instrument takes its name from the traditional method of suspending the cymbal by means of a leather strap or rope, thus allowing the cymbal to vibrate as freely as possible for maximum musical effect. Crash cymbals evolved into the low-sock and from this to the **hi-hat**.

 

**D**

Deaf — partially or wholly lacking the power of hearing; unable to hear. There are varying degrees of hearing loss, which refers to the severity of the hearing loss. The numbers are representative of the patient's hearing loss range in decibels (dB HL).

**Degree of Hearing Loss** | **Hearing Loss Range (dB HL)**  
---|---  
Normal | -10 to 15  
Slight | 16 to 25  
Mild  | 26 to 40  
Moderate | 41 to 55  
Moderately Severe | 56 to 70  
Severe | 71 to 90  
Profound |  91+  
  
  
Diminuendo — Dwindling; decreasing in volume.

Dissonance — Harsh, discordant, or lack of harmony. Also a chord that sounds incomplete until it resolves itself on a harmonious chord.

Dolce — Sweetly.

Dolore — Pain, distress, sorrow, grief _con dolore_ ; with sadness.

Double Bass — The double bass or simply the bass (and numerous other names) is the largest and lowest-pitched bowed string instrument in the modern symphony orchestra. Double basses are typically found in symphony orchestras, chamber orchestras, concert bands, jazz bands, and other string ensembles. The only known double bassist so far is **Kim Dahyun**.

Double stop \- In music, a double stop refers to the technique of playing two notes simultaneously on a bowed stringed instrument such as a violin, a viola, a cello, or a double bass. In performing a double stop, two separate strings are bowed or plucked simultaneously. 

Drum corps — Also known as drum and bugle corps, is a musical marching ensemble consisting of brass instruments, percussion instruments, synthesizers, and color guard. Drum corps typically perform in parades, festivals, and other civic functions. But most conceivably, durm corps participate in competitions especially the widely-known competitive summer tour, Drum Corps International.  **Santa Clara Vanguard**  and the  **Concord Blue Devils**  are both competitive drum and bugle corps based in Northern California. Chaeyoung mentions both corps. SinB also brings up **Carolina Crown** , a competitve drum and bugle corps based in Fort Mill, South Carolina.

Dynamics \- In music, dynamics are instructions in musical notation to the performer about hearing the loudness of a note or phrase. More generally, dynamics may also include other aspects of the execution of a given piece.

 

**E**

Elegy — An elegy may denote a type of musical work, usually of a sad or somber nature.

Embouchure — the use of facial muscles and the shaping of the lips to the mouthpiece of woodwind instruments or the mouthpiece of the brass instruments. Each instrument has a unique embouchure that takes time and practice to learn.  A well-developed embouchure helps a player develop good sound quality; a poorly developed embouchure leads to poor sound quality. 

Empfindung — Feeling.

Etude — A short musical composition, typically for one instrument, designed as an exercise to improve the technique or demonstrate the skill of the player.

Excerpt — A short extract from a film, broadcast, or piece of music or writing.

 

**F**

Falsetto \- a method of voice production used by singers to sing notes higher than their normal range

Fingering — In music, fingering, or on stringed instruments stopping, is the choice of which fingers and hand positions to use when playing certain musical instruments. Fingering typically changes throughout a piece; the challenge of choosing good fingering for a piece is to make the hand movements as comfortable as possible without changing hand position too often.

Finger Spelling — A form of sign language in which individual letters are formed by the fingers to spell out words. If a character decides to use fingerspelling, then it would be represented in **bold text** within the _italicized text_  that represents signing. Other than that, finger spelling may be used to represent words from an oral language which have no sign equivalent (e.g. proper nouns), or for emphasis, clarification, or when teaching or learning a sign language. If the person doesn't have a sign name, the person's name is fingerspelled.

Flat \- In music, flat means "lower in pitch". In music notation, the flat symbol, ♭ derived from a stylised lowercase "b", lowers a note by a half step (semitone). Intonation or tuning is said to be flat when it is below the true pitch.

Flute \- The flute is a family of musical instruments in the woodwind group. Unlike woodwind instruments with reeds, a flute is an aerophone or reedless wind instrument that produces its sound from the flow of air across an opening. It is the most common variant of the flute is the Western concert flute. Known flutists in the story include **Yuzuna Takebe** and **Kim Yewon (Umji)**.

Fortissimo — Very loud.

Fortississimo \- with greatest loudness

 

**G**

Grammy Award — An honor awarded by The Recording Academy to recognize outstanding achievement in the music industry. 

Glockenspiel \- A glockenspiel is a percussion instrument composed of a set of tuned keys arranged in the fashion of the keyboard of a piano. In this way, it is similar to the xylophone; however, the xylophone's bars are made of wood, while the glockenspiel's are metal plates or tubes, thus making it a metallophone. The glockenspiel, moreover, is usually smaller and higher in pitch.

  
**H**

Hard of Hearing (HoH) — Refers to someone who doesn't hear well and is often used to describe people with any degree of hearing loss, from mild to profound. Many hard of hearing people don't know that they have a hearing loss. Some simply deny it, even though they may know that their hearing is diminished. 

Hearing Aids — A hearing aid is a small electronic device that you wear in or behind your ear. It makes some sounds louder so that a person with hearing loss can listen, communicate, and participate more fully in daily activities. A hearing aid can help people hear more in both quiet and noisy situations.

Hearing Loss — Hearing loss, also known as hearing impairment, is a partial or total inability to hear. A deaf person has little to no hearing. Hearing loss may occur in one or both ears.

Hearing-Impaired — We advise that you do NOT use this term to describe Deaf or HoH people. The term is offensive because it implies that Deaf/HoH people are impaired or incapable of doing something, which is not true at all. 

Horn — Most commonly referred to as a French Horn, the horn is a brass instrument made of tubing wrapped into a coil with a flared bell. The double horn in F/B♭ is the horn most used by professional bands and orchestras. Pitch is controlled through the adjustment of lip tension in the mouthpiece and the operation of valves by the left hand, which route the air into extra tubing. The sound can vary from extremely warm to extremely bright and the horn can produce a wide range of notes. Known horn players in the story so far are  **Sana Minatozaki, Yoon Chaekyung, Yuta Nakamoto, Kim Taehyung,** and **Im Yoona.**

 

**I**

Interlochen Arts Camp \- An annual summer camp attended by young artists from around the world. Programs are offered to students in grades three through twelve, providing an opportunity to learn, create and perform alongside leading artists and instructors.

Interval — In music theory, an interval is the difference between two pitches.

Intimo — Intimately.

 

**L**

Lacrimoso — Tearfully (i.e. sadly)

 

**M**

Mallets \- A percussion mallet or beater is an object used to strike or beat a percussion instrument in order to produce its sound. Mallets used as drumsticks are often used to strike a marimba, xylophone, glockenspiel, metallophone, or vibraphone, collectively referred to as mallet percussion.

Marimba \- The marimba is a percussion instrument consisting of a set of wooden bars struck with mallets to produce musical tones. Resonators suspended underneath the bars amplify their sound. The bars are arranged like the keys of a piano, with the groups of 2 and 3 accidentals raised vertically, overlapping the natural bars to aid the performer both visually and physically. This instrument is a type of idiophone, but with a more resonant and lower-pitched tessitura than the xylophone.

Master class \- A master class is a class given to students of a particular discipline by an expert of that discipline—usually music, but also painting, drama, any of the arts, or on any other occasion where skills are being developed. In a master class, all the students (and often spectators) watch and listen as the master takes one student at a time. The student (typically intermediate or advanced, depending on the status of the master) usually performs a single piece which they have prepared, and the master will give them advice on how to play it, often including anecdotes about the composer, demonstrations of how to play certain passages, and admonitions of common technical errors. The student is then usually expected to play the piece again, in light of the master's comments, and the student may be asked to play a passage repeatedly to attain perfection. Master classes for musical instruments tend to focus on the finer details of attack, tone, phrasing, and overall shape, and the student is expected to have complete control of more basic elements such as rhythm and pitch.

Measure \- In musical notation, a bar (or measure) is a segment of time corresponding to a specific number of beats in which each beat is represented by a particular note value and the boundaries of the bar are indicated by vertical bar lines. Dividing music into bars provides regular reference points to pinpoint locations within a piece of music. It also makes written music easier to follow, since each bar of staff symbols can be read and played as a batch.

Mode \- a type of scale, coupled with a set of characteristic melodic behaviours.

Motif \- A short musical idea, a salient recurring figure, musical fragment or succession of notes that has some special importance in or is characteristic of a composition

Mouthpiece \- The mouthpiece of a woodwind instrument is that part of the instrument which is placed partly in the player's mouth. On brass instruments the mouthpiece is the part of the instrument placed on the player's lips. The mouthpiece is a simple circular opening that leads, via a semi-spherical or conical cavity, to the main body of the instrument. Mouthpieces vary to suit the tone of the instrument. Lower instruments also have larger mouthpieces, to maximize resonance (see pitch of brass instruments). Also, mouthpieces are selected to suit the embouchure of the player, to produce a certain timbre, or to optimize the instrument for certain playing styles. For example, trumpet and trombone mouthpieces are usually semi-spherical whereas French horn mouthpieces are conical.

Movement \-  A self-contained part of a musical composition or musical form. While individual or selected movements from a composition are sometimes performed separately, a performance of the complete work requires all the movements to be performed in succession.

Music Jury — A music jury is a final performance by a music student for a panel of jurors, usually consisting of faculty of the institution. Students attend private lessons throughout the year, and they perform at the end of a semester or the year, to illustrate progress before the panel.

 

**N**

National Youth Orchestra — In some cases, there are national youth orchestras, which consist of the best young musicians in a country, as determined by auditions. Mina was a veteran member of the  **NYO-USA**  or the  **National Youth Orchestra of the United States of America** , performing as their principal bassoonist since she was sixteen years-old. Members of the NYO-USA must be aged 16-19. Since Mina is currently twenty years-old going on twenty-one in the following year, her last year with the NYO-USA was the summer before her second year at Juilliard. Mina also brings up the  **European Union Youth Orchestra.**

Nocturne — A piece for the night.

NYSSMA \- Abbreviated for the **New York State School Music Association** , the NYSSMA is a professional organization that evaluates student musicians in New York state from elementary school to high school. Each spring, thousands of students register through their school music programs to attend NYSSMA Evaluation Festivals where they are adjudicated. These festivals take place at local middle and high schools within the fifteen NYSSMA zones, each of which covers an area in New York State. Usually, county high schools take turns to host the festival every few years.

 

**O**

Oboe \- The oboe is a double-reed woodwind instrument. The distinctive oboe tone is versatile, and has been described as “bright.” The pitch of the regular oboe is affected by the way in which the reed is constructed, which has a significant effect on the sound of the instrument. Orchestras normally tune to a concert A played by the oboe, since the pitch of the oboe is secure and its penetrating sound makes it ideal for tuning purposes. Known oboists in the story include **Shuuka Fujii** of the Juilliard Orchestra and **Choi Youngjae** of the Juilliard Pops Orchestra.

Octave \- A series of eight notes occupying the interval between (and including) two notes, one having twice or half the frequency of vibration of the other.

Offbeats \- Any of the normally unaccented beats in a bar, such as the second and fourth beats in a bar of four-four time. They are stressed in most rock and some jazz and dance music, such as the bossa nova.

Ostinato — A continually repeated musical phrase or rhythm.  


**P**

Partita \- A suite, typically for a solo instrument or chamber ensemble.

Passionato — In music, noting a passage to be rendered with emotional intensity.

Percussion — A percussion instrument is a musical instrument that is sounded by being struck or scraped by a beater (including attached or enclosed beaters or rattles); struck, scraped or rubbed by hand; or struck against another similar instrument. Percussion instruments are most commonly divided into two classes: Pitched percussion instruments, which produce notes with an identifiable pitch, and unpitched percussion instruments, which produce notes or sounds without an identifiable pitch. Principal percussionists determine who plays which instrument for each piece. Known percussionists include **Son Chaeyoung, Kim Himchan, Park Minhyuk (Rocky), Eric Nam** , and **Kunpimook Bhuwakul (Bambam)**

Piccolo — The piccolo is a half-size flute, and a member of the woodwind family of musical instruments. The modern piccolo has most of the same fingerings as its larger sibling, the standard transverse flute, but the sound it produces is an octave higher than written. In the orchestral setting, the piccolo player is often designated as "piccolo/flute III", or even "assistant principal". The larger orchestras have designated this position as a solo position due to the demands of the literature. Piccolos are often orchestrated to double the violins or the flutes, adding sparkle and brilliance to the overall sound because of the aforementioned one-octave transposition upwards. The only known piccolo player in the story is **Kim Sohee** , Chaeykung's girlfriend and a piccolo player of the Juilliard Orchestra.

Pidgin Signed English (PSE) — Pidgin Signed English (PSE) is a combination of American Sign Language (ASL) and English. With PSE, someone might sign most of the English words of a sentence and use approximately the English syntax.

Pitch — Pitch is a perceptual property of sounds that allows their ordering on a frequency-related scale or more commonly, pitch is the quality that makes it possible to judge sounds as "higher" and "lower" in the sense associated with musical melodies. Pitch can be determined only in sounds that have a frequency that is clear and stable enough to distinguish from noise. Pitch is a major auditory attribute of musical tones, along with duration, loudness, and timbre.

Pops Orchestra — A pops orchestra is an orchestra that plays popular music (generally traditional pop) and show tunes as well as well-known classical works. Pops orchestras are generally organised in large cities and are distinct from the more "highbrow" symphony or philharmonic orchestras which also may exist in the same city. Examples of Pops Orchestras include the Boston Pops Orchestra and The Cincinnati Pops.

Practice Room \- A room, often soundproof, designed for musicians to practice their instrument.

Principal Player — Principal Players, sometimes called the "first chair," is typically the most skilled player in each instrumental section. This player is usually charged with playing any solos written in the music. Depending on the politics of an ensemble, their jobs may also include possessing good interpersonal and communication skills, working in conjunction with other staff members, organizing and leading sectional rehearsals, providing coaching to their section members, attend meetings, and more. They may also be required to learn the music earlier than the rest of the members. In some cases, there can be two principal players also known as "co-principals". Known principal players are **Mina Myoui,**   **Sana Minatozaki,**   **Kai (Kim Jongin), Reina Washio, Yuzuna Takebe, Shuuka Fujii, Shori Satou, Wen Junhui (Jun), Yoon Chaekyung, Im Jaebum (JB)** , **Kim Himchan,**   **Jackson Wang, Jung Eunbi (Eunha), Momo Hirai, Park Jihyo, Choi Youngjae, Kim Sojung (Sowon), Mark Tuan, Im Nayeon, Eric Nam,** and **Yoo Jeongyeon** are are known principal players. Note that principal players aren't always section leaders; for example, Mark Tuan plays principal contrabassoon but Mina Myoui is still his section leader, in addition to being principal bassoonist.

Prodigy \- In psychology research literature, the term child prodigy is defined as a person under the age of ten endowed with exceptional qualities or abilities. Child prodigies are rare; and, in some domains, there are no child prodigies at all. Prodigiousness in childhood does not always predict adult eminence. Known prodigies in the story are **Mina Myoui** , **Reina Washio** , and **Im Yoona**.

The Proms — The Proms, more formally known as the BBC Proms or Promenade Concerts presented by the BBC, is an eight-week summer season of daily orchestral classical music concerts and other events held annually, predominantly in the Royal Albert Hall in central London, England, UK. The Last Night of the Proms is the concert that sells out the most tickets and takes place on the second Saturday of September.

 

**R**

Reed — A thin strip of material which vibrates to produce a sound on a musical instrument. There are two types of reeds — single reeds and double reeds. Single reeds are used on the mouthpieces of clarinets, saxophones, etc. A single reed consists of one piece of cane which vibrates against a mouthpiece made of metal, hardened rubber, resin, or some other material. Double reeds are used on the oboe, bassoon, etc. For double reeds, two pieces of cane are vibrated against each other to produce a sound.

Register \- In music, a register is the relative "height" or range of a note, set of pitches or pitch classes, melody, part, instrument, or group of instruments. (ex. A higher register indicates higher pitch.)

Repertoire — A stock of plays, dances, or pieces that a company or a performer knows or is prepared to perform.

Ritardando — Slowing down; decelerating.

Roll \- a technique that a percussionist employs to produce, on a percussion instrument, a sustained sound, "over the value of the written note." Rolls are used by composers to sustain the sound and create other effects, the most common of which is using a roll to build anticipation.

Rondo \- A musical form in which a certain section returns repeatedly, interspersed with other sections

 

**S**

Scale \- In music theory, a scale is any set of musical notes ordered by fundamental frequency or pitch. A scale ordered by increasing pitch is an ascending scale, and a scale ordered by decreasing pitch is a descending scale. Some scales contain different pitches when ascending than when descending.

Scherzo — A light, "joking" or playful musical form, originally and usually in fast triple metre, often replacing the minuet in the later Classical period and the Romantic period, in symphonies, sonatas, string quartets and the like; in the 19th century some scherzi were independent movements for piano, etc.

Score \- A full score is a large book showing the music of all instruments and/or voices in a composition lined up in a fixed order. It is large enough for a conductor to be able to read while directing orchestra or opera rehearsals and performances. In addition to their practical use for conductors leading ensembles, full scores are also used by musicologists, music theorists, composers and music students who are studying a given work. "Score" is a common alternative (and more generic) term for sheet music, and there are several types of scores. The term "score" can also refer to theatre music, orchestral music or songs written for a play, musical, opera or ballet, or to music or songs written for a television programme or film.

Sectionals \- The term "sectionals" is used when the band breaks off into its individual "sections" (usually divided by the instrument you play) in order to practice as a group. During this time, the section leader usually helps the section members work on what they need help with the most.

Section Leaders - Section Leaders are decision-makers and usually the best player in his/her instrumental section. In addition, all section leaders are principal players. Their jobs include possessing good interpersonal and communication skills, working in conjunction with other Section Leaders and the staff members, organizing and leading sectional rehearsals, providing coaching to their section members, attend meetings, and more. They may also be required to learn the music earlier than the rest of the members.

Sforzando \- Sforzando (sfz) is an indication to make a strong, sudden accent on a note or chord. Sforzando literally means subito forzando (fz), which translates to “suddenly with force.”

Sharp \- In music, sharp means higher in pitch. More specifically, in musical notation, sharp means "higher in pitch by a semitone (half step)," and has an associated sharp symbol, ♯, which may be found in key signatures or as an accidental.

Sheet Music \- Sheet music is a handwritten or printed form of music notation that uses modern musical symbols to indicate the pitches (melodies), rhythms and/or chords of a song or instrumental musical piece. Sheet music is the basic form in which Western classical music is notated so that it can be learned and performed by solo singers or instrumentalists or musical ensembles. 

Sight Read — Sight-reading, also called a prima vista (Italian meaning "at first sight"), is the reading and performing of a piece of music or song in music notation that the performer has not seen before. Sight-singing is used to describe a singer who is sight-reading. Both activities require the musician to play or sing the notated rhythms and pitches.

Signed Exact English (SEE) — Signed Exact English (SEE) was developed in 1972 by Gerilee Gustason. It is not a language; it is a manually coded form of English that uses ASL signs supplemented with special signs or inflections that allow English to be signed exactly as it is spoken.

Sign Name — In Deaf culture and sign language, a sign name (or a name sign) is a special sign that is used to uniquely identify a person, just like a name. In the meantime, nobody in _Silent Sonata_ is known to have a sign name.

Slides — A slide is a part of a wind instrument consisting of two (or more) pieces of tubing fitted one closely inside the other, and used to vary the overall length of the tube, and therefore the pitch of the instrument. In instruments such as the french horn, there are many slides used to tune the instrument, sometimes even during practice. In instruments such as the trombone and slide whistle, moving the slide is the main way of selecting the note while playing.

Snare Drum — The snare drum or side drum is a percussion instrument that produces a sharp staccato sound when the head is struck with a drum stick. Snare drums are often used in orchestras, concert bands, marching bands, parades, drumlines, drum corps, and more. It is one of the central pieces in a drum set, a collection of percussion instruments designed to be played by a seated drummer, which is used in many genres of music. Snare drums are usually played with drum sticks, but the use of other beaters such as the brush or the rute can be used to achieve a very different sound. The snare drum is a versatile and expressive percussion instrument due its sensitivity and responsiveness to playing technique.

Staccato — Italian for "detached", staccato is a form of musical articulation. In modern notation it signifies a note of shortened duration, separated from the note that may follow by silence.

String Instruments — String instruments are musical instruments that produce sound from vibrating strings when the performer plays or sounds the strings in some manner. There are several types of string instruments: those in which the strings are plucked, hit or struck, or bowed with rosin-coated hair stretched out onto a tensioned musical bow. Bowed instruments include the string section instruments of the Classical music orchestra (violin, viola, cello and double bass) and a number of other instruments (e.g., viols and gambas used in early music from the Baroque music era and fiddles used in many types of folk music). All of the bowed string instruments can also be plucked with the fingers, a technique called "pizzicato".

Subito — Suddenly.

Syncopation \- a temporary displacement of the regular metrical accent in music caused typically by stressing the weak beat.

 

**T**

Tacet — Silent; do not play.

Temperament — Refers to the tuning of an instrument.

Tempo \- In musical terminology, tempo is the speed or pace of a given piece or subsection thereof, how fast or slow. Tempo is related to meter and is usually measured by beats per minute, with the beats being a division of the measures, though tempo is often indicated by terms which have acquired standard ranges of beats per minute or assumed by convention without indication.

"The President's Own" — Also **The United States Marine Band,** it is the premier band of the United States Marine Corps. Established by act of Congress on July 11, 1798, it is the oldest of the United States military bands and the oldest professional musical organization in the United States.

Time Signature \- The time signature is a notational convention used in Western musical notation to specify how many beats (pulses) are to be contained in each bar and which note value is to be given one beat.

Timpani — Timpani, or kettledrums (also informally called timps) are musical instruments in the percussion family. A type of drum, they consist of a skin called a head stretched over a large bowl traditionally made of copper. They are played by striking the head with a specialized drum stick called a timpani stick or timpani mallet. A standard set of timpani (sometimes called a console) consists of four drums: roughly 32 inches (81 cm), 29 inches (74 cm), 26 inches (66 cm), and 23 inches (58 cm) in diameter. The only known timpanist in the story is  **Yoo Jeongyeon.**

Tinnitus — The sensation of hearing ringing, buzzing, hissing, chirping, whistling, or other sounds. The noise can be intermittent or continuous, and can vary in loudness.

Tone — Traditionally in Western music, a musical tone is a steady periodic sound. A musical tone is characterized by its duration, pitch, intensity (or loudness), and timbre (or quality). The notes used in music can be more complex than musical tones, as they may include aperiodic aspects, such as attack transients, vibrato, and envelope modulation.

Tone Hole — A tone hole is an opening in the body of a wind instrument which, when alternately closed and opened, changes the pitch of the sound produced. Tone holes may serve specific purposes, such as a trill hole or register hole.

Tonguing — Tonguing is a technique used with wind instruments to enunciate different notes using the tongue on the reed or woodwind mouthpiece or brass mouthpiece. A silent "tee" is made when the tongue strikes the reed or roof of the mouth causing a slight breach in the air flow through the instrument. If a more soft tone is desired, the syllable "da" (as in double) is preferred. Tonguing also refers to articulation, which is how a musician begins the note (punchy, legato, or a breath attack) and how the note is released (air release, tongued release, etc.) For wind players, articulation is commonly spoken of in terms of tonguing because the tongue is used to stop and allow air to flow in the mouth.

Tremolo — A trembling effect.

Triangle \- The triangle is an idiophone type of musical instrument in the percussion family. It is a bar of metal, usually steel but sometimes other metals like beryllium copper, bent into a triangle shape. The instrument is usually held by a loop of some form of thread or wire at the top curve. Most difficulties in playing the triangle come from the complex rhythms which are sometimes written for it, although it can also be quite difficult to control the level of volume. Very quiet notes can be obtained by using a much lighter beater — knitting needles are sometimes used for the quietest notes. Composers sometimes call for a wooden beater to be used instead of a metal one, which gives a rather "duller" and quieter tone. When the instrument is played with one beater, the hand that holds the triangle can also be used to damp or slightly modify the tone. For complex rapid rhythms, the instrument may be suspended from a stand and played with two beaters, although this makes it more difficult to control.

Trill \- The trill (or shake, as it was known from the 16th until the 19th century) is a musical ornament consisting of a rapid alternation between two adjacent notes, usually a semitone or tone apart, which can be identified with the context of the trill.

Triplets \- A triplet is a rhythm playing three notes in the space of two. That is, three evenly spaced notes in the space of two notes of the same rhythmic value. 

Trumpet \- The trumpet is a musical instrument. It has the highest register in the brass family. The most common is a transposing instrument pitched in B♭ with a tubing length of about 1.48 m (4 ft 10 in). Earlier trumpets did not have valves, but modern instruments generally have either three piston valves or, more rarely, three rotary valves. Each valve increases the length of tubing when engaged, thereby lowering the pitch. The only known trumpet players in the story so far are **Im Jaebum (JB)** and the Pops Orchestra's Maestro **Anna Ishii**.

Trombone \- The trombone is a musical instrument in the brass family. Like all brass instruments, sound is produced when the player’s vibrating lips (embouchure) cause the air column inside the instrument to vibrate. Unlike other brass instrument that using a valve, the trombone mostly uses a telescoping slide mechanism that varies the length of the instrument to change the pitch. The most widely-used trombone is _a tenor trombone_. There is also a  _bass trombone,_ where Its tubing length of 9 feet (2.7 m) and is slightly identical to that of the tenor trombone, but it has a wider bore, a larger bell, and a larger mouthpiece. **Sunny Lee** plays the bass trombone.

Tuner \- A tuner is a device used for measuring pitch, typically to the standard pitch of A440 (a stand A pitch), though there is a recent trend of many bands increasingly tuning sharper to A441, A442, or even A443.

Tutti — All together, a passage to be performed with all voices or instruments together.

 

**V**

Vertigo — a sensation of whirling and loss of balance, associated particularly with looking down from a great height, or caused by disease affecting the inner ear or the vestibular nerve; giddiness.

Vibraphone — The vibraphone (also known as the vibraharp or simply the vibes) is a musical instrument in the struck idiophone subfamily of the percussion family. Each bar is paired with a resonator tube that has a motor-driven butterfly valve at its upper end. The valves are mounted on a common shaft, which produces a tremolo or vibrato effect while spinning. The vibraphone also has a sustain pedal similar to that on a piano. With the pedal up, the bars are all damped and produce a shortened sound. With the pedal down, they sound for several seconds.

Vibrato — Vibrating (i.e. a more or less rapidly repeated slight variation in the pitch of a note, used as a means of expression). Often confused with tremolo, which refers either to a similar variation in the volume of a note, or to rapid repetition of a single note.

Violin — The violin is a wooden string instrument in the violin family. It is the smallest and highest-pitched instrument in the family in regular use. The violin typically has four strings tuned in perfect fifths, and is most commonly played by drawing a bow across its strings, though it can also be played by plucking the strings (pizzicato). Violins make up a large part of an orchestra, and are usually divided into two sections, known as the first and second violins. Composers often assign the melody to the first violins, typically a more difficult part using higher positions, while second violins play harmony, accompaniment patterns or the melody an octave lower than the first violins. Known first violinists in the story are **Reina Washio, Kai, Jackson Wang** , and **Jung Eunbi (Eunha)**. Known second violinists in the story include **Momo Hirai, Kim Yugyeom,** and **Choi Yuna (Yuju).**

Viola \- The viola is a bowed and plucked string instrument. It is slightly larger than a violin and has a lower and deeper sound than a violin. Since the 18th century it has been the middle or alto voice of the violin family, between the violin (which is tuned a perfect fifth above it) and the cello (which is tuned an octave below it). Known violists in the story include **Park Jihyo, Karen Fujii,** and  **Nozomi Bando.**

Virtuoso \- A virtuoso is an individual who possesses outstanding technical ability in a particular art or field such as fine arts, music, singing, playing a musical instrument, or composition. The defining element of virtuosity is the performance ability of the musician in question, who is capable of displaying feats of skill well above the average performer.  **Mina Myoui** is a bassoon virtuoso.

Volante — Move with light rapidity; flying.

 

**W**

Wind Instruments — A wind instrument is a musical instrument that contains some type of resonator (usually a tube), in which a column of air is set into vibration by the player blowing into (or over) a mouthpiece set at the end of the resonator. The pitch of the vibration is determined by the length of the tube and by manual modifications of the effective length of the vibrating column of air. In the case of some wind instruments, sound is produced by blowing through a reed; others require buzzing into a metal mouthpiece.

Wind instruments are typically grouped into two families:  **Brass instruments** (horns, trumpets, trombones, euphoniums, tubas, etc.) and  **Woodwind instruments** (recorders, flutes, oboes, clarinets, saxophones, bassoons, etc.) Although brass instruments were originally made of brass and woodwind instruments have traditionally been made of wood, the material used to make the body of the instrument is not always a reliable guide to its family type. For example, the saxophone is typically made of brass, but is classified as a woodwind instrument because it produces sound with a vibrating reed. A more accurate way to determine whether an instrument is brass or woodwind is to examine how the player produces sound.

In brass instruments, the player's lips vibrate, causing the air within the instrument to vibrate. In woodwind instruments the player either (1) cause a reed to vibrate, which agitates the column of air (as in a clarinet, oboe, bassoon) (2) blow against an edge or fipple (as in a recorder), or (3) blows across the edge of an open hole (as in a flute).

Wind quartet \- an ensemble of consisting of a mixture of brass and woodwind instruments, or music written for four such a combination of instruments.

 

 

**X**

Xylophone \- The xylophone is a musical instrument in the percussion family that consists of wooden bars struck by mallets. Each bar is an idiophone tuned to a pitch of a musical scale, whether pentatonic or heptatonic in the case of many African and Asian instruments, diatonic in many western children's instruments, or chromatic for orchestral use. Concert xylophones have tube resonators below the bars to enhance the tone and sustain. Frames are made of wood or cheap steel tubing: more expensive xylophones feature height adjustment and more stability in the stand.

 

**Y**

Youth Orchestra — A youth orchestra is an orchestra made of young musicians, typically ranging from pre-teens or teenagers to those in their mid-20s. The typical youth orchestra involves members from across an entire city or town. Sana, Chaeyoung, Jihyo, and the principal characters of my previous story [ _The Bucket List_](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1029519/the-bucket-list-angst-drama-schoollife-snsd-yoona-yoonyul-yuri) were members of the  **San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra (SFSYO)** , which comprises of musicians from the San Francisco Bay Area.  
  


**Z**


	43. Season 2 Preview

**SEASON 2 PREVIEW**

* * *

December 19, XXXX  
  
It's been years since I inhaled the oppressive air of New York City.  
  
The salty snow falling from cumulus clouds floating above, the stench of chopped-cheese sandwiches from Bodegas, the hissing sounds of gas escaping from cars and other modes of public transportation, but I love it. After all, I grew up here.  
  
Juilliard is still the same as it was when I graduated. Aspiring performing artists still use the name as a benchmark for their pilgramage to success. The shadows of past alumni remind you that time is fleeting, and that you must make haste before someone else snags that principal horn position in the New York Philharmonic. Sure, Juilliard's name on your resumé will impress the panel, but it doesn't grant everyone a job. I know this for sure because most of my friends are still struggling to make a name for themselves in the world of classical music. Some of them even gave up.  
  
Including some members of the Crack Squad.  
  
But even if you do score a position with a major orchestra, you can't be complacent. You have to hold yourself up to the expectations of the conductor and the other musicians, suck up to personnel management, and give stellar performances even when your lungs want to give in. Failure to attend to these rules and you'll get fired. And if you do get fired, good luck trying to find another job.  
  
I'm still here, standing my ground with my bassoon. It's my second trial year with this orchestra and if I hang on for another year or so, I can get tenured. But even at this point, the finish line still seems so far.  
  
I'm not happy. In fact, ever since my only other friends in London didn't outlast their trial period, I've become lonely. No one in the United Kingdom uses American Sign Language and nobody cares that I'm hard-of-hearing. They treat me as if my ears are perfect, which they aren't. It's difficult to build relationships with these people because they're either concentrated within their own "friend groups" or they're absorbed within their own personal bubble. I'm currently the newest member on roster and also the youngest. Almost fifty-nine percent of the members are private instructors and/or professors in the orchestra academy or conservatories such as Guildhall, RCM, the Royal Academy, and Trinity Laban. Then, since we're a self-governed orchestra, the next thirty-five percent are board members. Kwon Yuri is one of them. The remaining are reaching retirement.  
  
And then there's me.  
  
I should've not severed ties with my friends after graduation. It's arduous to keep in contact with your friends when you relocate to a new country and take up a job that involves demanding rehearsals and recording sessions, back-to-back concerts and events, and spontaneous tours that range from domestic to cross-continental. Sometimes, I'm fearful of bothering their busy lives as well. But the regret of distancing myself has been hitting me so hard, that I've experienced a slight tremor run down my spine whenever I glanced at the affirmation posts on my bedroom mirror. Yes, I brought those post-its to London because I thought that they would help me, but they didn't.    
  
After extensive visits to the psychiatrist, I found out that I had clinical depression. Sometimes I'll drink a little more than I can handle, and then I'd return to my flat in Chilworth Mews feeling like a sack of shit. I honestly don't know if I'm enjoying music anymore. Performing with those that I love versus performing with a bunch of strangers — there's a difference.  
  
I wonder if they still remember m—  
  
"Mina!"  
  
 _Is someone calling me?_  
  
"Mina Myoui!"  
  
I adjusted my hearing aids and scanned the Lincoln Center, nothing catching my eye.  
  
"I'm right behind you, idiot."  
  
I jerked my head around and looked up at the tall girl dressed in maroon, black overcoat draping just her shoulders, cello case resting on her back like a tired child. Her hair is tired up in a high ponytail with tendrills of hair hanging down, like she usually does for concerts and receptions.   
  
"I've missed you, Tzuyu", I told her, pulling her into an awkward hug as I clutched my bassoon case with my other hand.  
  
"Me too", she said, "I came here to watch your concert with the Squad."  
  
We caught up on each other's lives while ambling around Juilliard's campus, occassionally commenting on the weary students entering and exiting the Irene Diamond Building. It's the middle of December, so it must be the season for juries.  
  
Anyways, a lot of things occurred while I was in London. Dahyun and Tzuyu are still together, making ends meet by tutoring children in their respective instruments during the daytime and taking up gigs at night. Nayeon, Momo, and Jeongyeon are doing the same. Additionally, the five of them plus other Pops Orchestra alumni are arranging and covering popular songs whilst posting their covers on YouTube and Instagram. On the flip side, Jihyo is experiencing much success by touring the country with the New York City Chamber Orchestra. She's also giving masterclasses with her colleagues at Mannes, MSM, and even Juilliard.   
  
"What about Sana and Chaeyoung?" I asked eagerly, "What are they doing? Are they going to watch tonight's concert?"  
  
With much hesitation, Tzuyu coughed up a nervous laugh, "They're gone."  
  
I knitted my eyebrows, "What?"  
  
"They're not in New York anymore",  she continued, "They left last year."  
  
"Where did they go?"  
  
"Sana and Chaeyoung, well... they ***BLEEP*** "


End file.
